Disclaimer- although I am an Independent Marriage and Family Therapist, please understand I am not your child’s therapist, and none of what I say below should be construed as a diagnosis. If you have concerns about your child after reading this, I encourage you to contact your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or local therapist as a first step to getting help.
Are you concerned that your child may be depressed? As a parent, you want nothing more than for your child to be happy and healthy. But sometimes it can be hard to tell if there is something deeper going on, or if they’re just having a bad day. Use this handy guide of the top 10 signs that your child might need extra help coping with depression, and where to go from here.
10 Signs Your Kid Might Be Depressed
1. They lost interest in activities they used to enjoy
One of the first and most noticeable signs that your child may be depressed is a change in their interests. If your child suddenly loses interest in activities they used to love, such as playing sports or hanging out with friends, it could be a sign that something is wrong. Additionally, if your child begins to withdraw from social activities and starts spending more time alone, this may also be a sign of depression.
2. Your child is having difficulty concentrating or completing tasks
Another sign that your child may be depressed is difficulty concentrating or completing tasks. If your child is struggling to focus at school or is beginning to get poor grades, it may be due to an underlying depressive disorder. Additionally, if your child seems forgetful or disorganized, this may also be a sign of depression.
I know these also overlap with some symptoms of ADHD and even Anxiety. They’re kind of like a fever- it’s an important symptoms that tells you something is wrong, but you can’t diagnose based on that alone.
3. Your child is experiencing changes in their eating habits
Changes in eating habits are another common sign of depression in children. If your child has lost their appetite or is skipping meals, this may be a cause for concern. Additionally, if your child is comfort-eating or overeating, this may also be a sign that they are depressed.
4. Their sleeping habits have changed
Changes in sleeping habits are another common sign of depression. If your child is having difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, this may be due to an underlying depressive disorder. Or, if your child is sleeping more than usual or experiences fatigue during the day, this may also be a sign of depression. Whether it’s sleeping more, less, or having interrupted sleep- all of those changes could indicate a bigger problem.
5. They’re feeling hopeless or helpless
If your child feels like there is no hope for the future or that they are powerless to change their situation, this may be a sign of depression. Children who are depressed often feel like things will never get better and that there is nothing they can do to change their circumstances.
6. Your child experiences low self-esteem or has a negative self-image
Children who are suffering from depression often have low self-esteem and a negative self-image. If your child seems down on themselves or talks negatively about themselves, this may be a sign that they are depressed. Additionally, if your child withdraws from social activities or avoids eye contact, this may also indicate low self-esteem caused by depression.
7. Fatigue or low energy
Fatigue and low energy are common symptoms of depression, so if your child seems unusually tired or sluggish, it may be a cause for concern. Depression can make it difficult for people to find the motivation to do anything, so if your child seems like they’re struggling just to get through the day, it’s worth talking to them about how they’re feeling.
8. Thoughts of death or suicide
One of the most serious signs that your child may be depressed is if they express thoughts of death or suicide. This can manifest itself in a number of ways, such as talking about wanting to die, making statements about being better off dead, expressing a desire to hurt themselves, or making plans for suicide. Giving away items they cherish, and/or a sudden positive mood change can also be clues. If your child expresses any of these thoughts, it is imperative that you seek professional help immediately (In the US, 9-8-8 is a National Suicide Prevention Hotline)
9. Withdrawing from friends and family
Withdrawing from friends and family is another common symptom of depression. If your child seems isolated and doesn’t want to spend time with others, it may be a sign that they are struggling emotionally.
10. Lack of motivation
Lack of motivation is another symptom of depression. If your child seems uninterested in activities that they used to enjoy, it may be a sign that they are depressed. Depression can make it hard to find pleasure in anything.
What To Do If You See Signs of Depression?
If it’s been just one day, or a couple bad days, take a breath. Also make sure totake into account if there’s some other natural grief your child is experiencing (Death of a grandparent? Moving? Loss of a pet?)
Beyond that, make sure that your kid knows you’re always there for them. Some distractions- that don’t take much energy, like a funny movie- are usually a welcome reprieve. You cannot tell a person who is depressed to “feel better,” or “cheer up,” any more than you can tell someone with asthma to “breathe better.” But you CAN continue to show your unconditional love for them.
Nearly a million kids in the US, under the age of 10, suffer from childhood depression. That’s 2-3% of of that age group. And nearly 13% of adolescents (ages 12-17) struggle with depression. That’s over 3 million teens in the US alone. And half of all lifetime mental illness are present before age 14.
And while those numbers may be jarring to see, honestly, they kind of don’t matter right now. Because there’s really only 1 kid you’re worrying about. Yours.
So let’s take a breather for a second. (Seriously. Pause and take a deep breath.) This is going to be OK. Here’s the bottom line- I will get you the information you need, so you can get your kid the help they need.
So, you can stop searching through all the dizzying lists that leave you with more questions than answers. You don’t have to read lists of symptoms that jack up your adrenaline so that you’re not even able to think straight.
Just imagine that we’re good friends (because you have the good luck of having a family therapist for a friend!) and we’re just drinking coffee and talking on the couch together. Let’s go through this piece by piece, together, so you can make the best decision for your kid.
Symptoms of Childhood Depression
My caveat before giving you these symptoms is this: DO NOT TRY TO DIAGNOSE YOUR KID YOURSELF. I’m not just saying that because I need to legally cover my backside. I don’t want you to feel like you have to diagnose your child in order to get treatment. That’s the professional’s job.
Think of it this way, when you take your kid into the pediatrician because they’re not feeling well, no one is asking for you to already know their diagnosis. Your job is simply to know that something is wrong, and to bring them in.
I know, that doesn’t stop the worry, and the need for information. I’m a mom, too. And when I think there’s something up with one of my boys, I want to learn everything I can. So I’ll give you as much information as I can. Let’s dive in.
What Does Depression Look Like In Kids?
Kids with depression can look and act differently from adults with depression. For a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms need to be around for at least 2 weeks, for most of the day, each day. If it’s been less than 2 weeks, I’d still keep an eye on them, but your kid may ‘just’ be having a rough patch. If it’s been longer than 2 weeks, but you’re thinking, “She just laughed at her sister’s joke at dinner yesterday,” remember that mood can still have some fluctuation, even in depression.
Changes in sleep patterns, like trouble sleeping, (including trouble staying asleep all night and waking up too early in the morning) OR increased amounts of sleeping (beyond what you would typically expect for their age).
Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities
Changes in appetite, changes in weight, or failure to gain appropriate weight
They may be feeling restless, or they may feel slowed down, like they have literal weights tied to them
Feelings of worthlessness, self-blaming thoughts and behavior, include self-inflicted punishments
Having a hard time concentrating, focusing, or remembering
Frequent thoughts about death, including suicidal thoughts
If your child is having suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, please get them help immediately. Suicide in young kids is rare, but very real.
Depression Or Grief?
The other reason I gave you that caveat about not diagnosing your own kid, is that it can be hard to figure out if they have depression, if they’re just feeling down, or if there’s something else going on. One more thing to add to your consideration is whether or not your kid has experienced a loss recently (death of a loved one, divorce, a move, etc.). If so, they may be experiencing grief, instead of depression. You can help them by giving them space to process the loss in their own way. Some kids need to talk, others need to create, and still others just need your physical presence.
I know that this isn’t easy to read and think about. And the whole question of your child even having depression is overwhelming and a little numbing. You’re doing a great job being this on-top-of-it that you’re trying to figure out what’s going on and how to help them.
This is usually the point where we try to talk ourselves out of something seriously being the matter. But remember, you’re here for a reason. Take a breath, and let’s keep going.
“Kids don’t really get depression” and Other Myths About Childhood Depression
There is a lot of misinformation floating around out there that I feel compelled to clear up for you. Here are some of the most common myths people have about childhood depression.
Myth- “My daughter is only 7; she’s too young for depression. She’s just being dramatic.”
Answer- Depression does impact children as young as pre-schoolers. It’s rare to diagnose that young, but possible. Half of all lifetime mental illnesses show themselves before a child is even in high school.
Myth- He still seems like he’s happy sometimes. How could he have depression?
Answer- You want to look at the bigger picture here. People- including kids- with depression can have good days, where some of the weight seems to have been lifted, and they will appear happy. Just like the rest of the world, they will experience good and bad days. But if you can think back over the last 2 weeks and you son has been more sad, or angry, than he has been happy, it may be a symptom of depression. They may also have good social skills, know what sort of behavior is expected from them, and be putting on a brave face.
Myth- What could they be that sad about? Nothing bad has happened!
Answer- Depression is not simply a response to stressful life events. It is a disease impacting the brain. It changes how certain chemicals are transmitted, and impacts the circuitry and functioning of certain areas of the brain. Negative events in your kids life can act as a type of trigger for depression, but depression can rear it’s ugly head at any time. Depression is a sneaky, insidious disease, and doesn’t require any ‘help’ before it makes an appearance.
Myth- I don’t want my kid to be on medication for depression, so there’s no point in talking about this.
Answer- Medication is only one of the options for treatment. Only 2% of kids and teens with depression are treated with medication only. 19% are treated with talk therapy combined with medication, and 19% are treated with talk medication only. 60% receive no treatment at all. Please, don’t withhold all treatment just because you don’t like one of the options.
Different Kinds of Depression
There is some jargon you will probably run into while researching depression. So let’s break this down, like the index at the back of the book.
Depressive episode:
A brief(ish) period of time when someone had symptoms of depression. For example, they may have had a depressed mood for a few weeks, but then returned to a normal mood afterwards. An episode could last for weeks or months.
Major Depressive Disorder:
The official medical diagnosis for what is just generally called ‘Depression.’ You may also hear it called ‘clinical depression.’
Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia):
This is a type of depression that is long-lasting. For kids, they have to have a depressed mood (with other symptoms) for at least a year, with no more than 2 months of remission at any point during that year.
Remission:
A break or end to symptoms.
Other Depression-related words to know:
Assessment or screen:
A set of questions (aka a ‘test’) to determine the appropriate diagnosis for your kid.
Psychiatrist:
A doctor who specializes in medications for mental illnesses.
Psychologist:
A doctor who may prescribe medication, but may also provide talk therapy for their clients.
Therapist:
A person who is able to provide talk therapy for your child. They have gone through graduate school training, and are licensed by state boards. This can include Marriage and Family Therapists, Social workers, and Professional Counselors.
What does this mean for my kid’s future? The trajectory of childhood Depression
This is a good news, bad news section. So let’s take a look at what’s at stake for your kid, and then I’ll give you the good news!
BAD NEWS
The bad news is that if your child has depression, they are more than likely going to fight this on and off throughout their life, because there is no ‘cure’ for childhood depression in the traditional sense.
Simply put, kids with depression are more likely to become adults with depression.
And adults with untreated depression tend to have poorer health, worse job performance, and more stressful relationships than the general population. They are also more likely to use drugs or alcohol, typically because they’re trying to self-medicate.
GOOD NEWS
But your kid is not necessarily doomed to be depressed for their entire life. It is possible that they may only suffer from a few more bouts of depression, but otherwise have a typical mood throughout life.
More good news is that you caught this early! Your kid’s brain is still amazingly elastic, and can learn so many coping skills. This is the perfect time for talk therapy! So many changes to their way of thinking can be developed; and learning resiliency is so much easier in childhood. So your kid is about 800 steps ahead of the game, simply because you’re being alert and looking for help.
You are so on top of it that you’re going to help your kid beat the statistics. The average delay between onset of symptoms and intervention is 8-10 years. Basically, from the first symptom of depression, it typically takes 8-10 YEARS for someone to get help!!! But you are recognizing right now what you need to do. You are not going to let your child suffer silently for a decade.
Getting Help for Childhood Depression
So what do you need to do? Here are a couple steps to help you decide if your child needs further help, and then directions for how to get that help. Remember, when you’re trying to decide if your kid needs help, you’re not responsible for diagnosing them. You just need to cross the line where your gut response is, “Something isn’t right.”
In the Freebie Library, I have a guide to finding professional help for your kiddo.
Monitor Your Kid’s Mood
When they’re upset, sad or angry, does there seem to be a cause? How long does the bad mood last? Hours? Days? Weeks?
How is their sleep, and overall energy level? Are they still interested in playing with friends, or doing other activities that they generally like? Take a look back at the symptoms, and keep an eye on some of them.
Unless your kid is expressing suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, (in which case, GET THEM HELP IMMEDIATELY) it’s okay to take your time and gather information.
Talk to Other Adults in Their Life
You’ll also want to talk to your kid’s teacher, daycare provider, coach, or any other adult who’s around them when you’re not. The goal is to see what their mood and behavior is like in different places. Depression impacts kids across settings, not just one. So it’s important to see what else is going on. If you’re only seeing the bad mood in one location (like just at home, or just at home) you may not be looking at depression.
Choose Whether (or not) You Need To Get Additional Help
Now, here’s the bottom line. If you have any reason at all to believe your kid has depression, it’s crucial to seek out help from a professional. There is no need to be certain. Just like when you take a kid in to the pediatrician for a sore throat- it may be strep, it may be a virus, or it might be because they were screaming too much! No one is angry at you for bringing in a kid that you’re concerned about. It’s the same with mental health!
Even if they don’t have a diagnosable case of depression, there’s no arguing that your kid is having a hard time managing their feelings. And they may appreciate having someone (a therapist) to talk to and teach them some tools.
Getting an Appointment with a Professional
The goal here is to get your child assessed for depression. You may also hear the phrase “depression screening.” For a starting place, you can talk to your pediatrician, or your school psychologist, about your concerns. You’ll want to say something along the lines, “I’m worried about John. He’s been showing some symptoms of depression, and I would like for him to be assessed for depression.”
If those professional drag their feet, or say your kid is too young, you can ask for a referral or recommendation (based on what your insurance company requires) for a child therapist. You can also just look at who your insurance covers, and call them directly. You can still use the script from above requesting an assessment directly.
If the therapist’s office tells you there’s a waitlist, or a 6-8 week time frame before they’ll be able to be seen, know that this is- unfortunately- common. You can either take that appointment and wait, or you can ask if they know anyone else in the area who would be able to see your child sooner. (You could also take the appointment and then cancel it if you’re able to find one sooner.)
After the Assessment
After the assessment for depression, you’ll talk with the therapist about their recommendations for treatment. You can feel free to take notes if you need; it’s a great tactic for slowing the conversation down a bit and making they’ve explained everything well to you.
How to Cope as the Mom of a Child with Depression
The journey towards discovering if your child has depression is heartbreaking one. It is excruciatingly painful to watch someone you love hurt so much. And it can be a lonely process, especially as you ask yourself questions like, “Did I cause this?” Here are a few bits of advice to help your healing process.
Stop the guilt.
It does no one good to blame yourself. Let it go. (Easier said than done, but it still needs to happen.)
Focus on the positive.
You caught this sooooo early, and that will have an impact on the trajectory of this disease. You are actively making this better for them!
Understand that your child can still have a good quality of life.
They will still have good days, and years. There can even be months of remission of their depressive symptoms. In the best case scenarios, they will find a way to balance their life so that the depression no longer has control.
Acknowledge that it’s really hard to live with someone with depression.
It’s like living in a deflated balloon. You know what life was like when it was light, but now everything is just kinda limp, and you’re looking around at the wasted potential. And to complicate the matter, if your kid has depression, there’s a 40% or greater chance that you or their dad has depression, too. That is really tough! Just acknowledging that you’re doing something objectively difficult can help give you perspective.
You need to give yourself permission to be happy.
There is a saying, “You’re only ever as happy as your saddest child.” And if that’s true, sister, this is going to be a long journey. Although I generally agree with thought, I think it might not hold up for parents of kids on the far ends of the happiness bell-curve.
So, let me be clear. You are allowed – no, you are encouraged– to be happy while your child is sad. If you go down into that pit of despair and sadness with them, who is going to pull you out.
If you find that you’ve lost that spark of joy, you need to find it again, and quick. Find something that just puts a goofy smile on your face. I ran into an amazing quote as I was writing this that I think really sums it up:
“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”
You may need to do some soul-searching to find what sparks that little light.
Get your own therapist.
I know it’s really hard to find a time to schedule therapy, and then what will you do with the kids, and how many co-pays can you really afford? If you’re running into these stumbling blocks, you could try a babysitting swap, like with Komae. Or, you may want to explore some of the online therapy options, like TalkSpace or BetterHelp. Getting your own therapist can be completely life changing. And no, you don’t have to have a mental health diagnosis to benefit; it’s enough that you’re struggling with your current life circumstances. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!
Bonus- find a cheer leader.
When all the energy and joy is being sucked out of you, it’s important to have people who can build you back up. This is a season, and you will become more resilient to the effect of living with someone with depression over time. But for now, you need to arm yourself with all the emotional support you can find.
Conclusion
You have now had a quick- but immersive- introduction to childhood depression. You know the symptoms, and you’re aware of the myths. You’re prepared with the jargon that doctors may throw at you, and you even have a script for how to call and get help for your kid. You know the stats, and the importance of getting help in a timely manner. If knowledge is power, then girl, you’re armed.
So, what will you do with it? Take a quick moment to stop and choose one action-step that will benefit your kid, and commit to seeing it through. Let me know in the comments what activity you’re committing to!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
Wandering. Eloping. Running. Whatever you call it- it’s a terrifying part of many kid’s lies. Most commonly, it can impact kids with Autism, but it can also affect kids with other special needs, and even ADHD.
Strategies to keep kids with ADHD, Special Needs, and Autism from Wandering
The strategies to address wandering are unique, because this behavior is such a huge safety risk. While you’re trying to work with your kid on resisting this urge, you’re also going to need to put every measure possible in place to ensure their safety.
Kid-Based Solutions for Wandering:
Develop a routine path for common trips, (like home to school) so if their body starts going on auto-pilot, they’ll know where they are when they start paying attention again.
Use visual stories about how dangerous wandering can be
Emphasize the need for the buddy system. Help them identify who can be a buddy, and how to ask.
Help identify why they may be wandering. This can help you know when the likelihood for wandering may increase, and may alert you to where they’re going.
The strong desire to pursue a special topic of interest (like trains, cars, etc.)
Trying to avoid an uncomfortable sensory stimuli
Parent & Community-Based Solutions for Wandering:
Consider a GPS bracelet, especially a water-proof one. It is possible that your insurance, or a local grant, may cover this, and you may want to ask your pediatrician, or even the local police department, about recommendations.
There are trackers, like AngelSense, which will allow you to locate your child and monitor their GPS location.
Consider that this is not a kid who can be out of your sight yet- create a plan for how you get a chance to shower, take care of yourself, make dinner, etc., while your kid is still monitored.
Install chime alerts on the doors and windows in your house to give you a heads up if a child is eloping.
Provide them with wearable ID.
Think about making the local police department aware of your child’s tendency toward this behavior. Provide them with up to date pictures, and your contact information.
Develop a plan to prevent wandering at school, and a recovery plan, in case the worst happens.
Alert neighbors to alert you if they see him/her walking alone.
Many kids who wander are drawn towards water, since it can be so calming. Identify bodies of water (drainage ponds, pools, wells, lakes, etc) near you as first places to check. If you are very tied into your community, you may even know people near those locations and can set-up a sort of alert system with them as a first step for where to check if your child is missing.
Autism Wandering Devices
One tracking device that consistently rises to the top is AngelSense. It’s a device that can be worn, and allow the parent to access from their phone- and you can even hear what’s going on from the ‘walkie talkie’ function!
The device can be worn in pockets, or even in special undershirts so it can’t be removed.
One of the best benefits of the AngelSense, when it comes to kids with autism wandering off, is the GPS locator, which is specific enough to find a kid in a certain area of a large school campus. There’s also an alarm that a parent can set-off remotely to alert adults or authorities in the area that your child may be in danger. (It’s also come in handy for kids who like to play ‘hide-and-seek’ with school staff- without letting anyone know.
Unfortunately, completely preventing elopement is unlikely. The real goals here are to a) prevent it when possible, and b) catching it as soon as possible to avoid/reduce the negative consequences.
Being prepared is the best way to handle any emergency.
There’s a lot you can do to get prepared, but a good place to start would be to find the easiest step to put into place, and start with one step per week (or day if you’re ambitious). Then choose the 2nd easiest, and so on, working up to the most challenging option for you.
If it seems like too much to think about right now, I would encourage you to save this article for later.
Think of it this way: Your ADHD child is like a 2-liter bottle of soda-pop.
They’ve been shaken up all day at school and they’re ready to burst. You can see the plastic seams by the cap starting to expand pull apart because they want to just explode!
Everything they went through at school today- from playing with equally energetic friends to sitting still for teachers to trying their hardest to focus on a lesson- has shaken that little pop bottle more and more. And the pressure inside that plastic bottle is immense.
Without any plan in place to help them calm down, or release the pressure slowly and evenly, they will burst.
And it won’t be pretty.
Of course, some days they’ll burst before they even get home. And some days it’ll be the safety of your arms that lets them relax enough to feel safe ‘exploding’ with you.
It’s not fun for them, either. To be so out of control. To be feeling like they can’t contain themselves, and can’t put themselves back together.
So, back to the question, why would you create an after-school routine for a kid with ADHD? Because you both deserve better.
Benefits of an After School Routine for Kids With ADHD
There are so many benefits of having a strong routine or structure in your home. Especially for kids with ADHD, or lack of focus, or impulse control problems!
It can seem counter-intuitive, but kids continue to need structure when they come home from school (they seem like they need to just ‘be free’ after having structure all day). Having a predictable schedule when they come home from school can provide a smooth transition and a sense of security and safety.
Second, structure helps limit the impact of distractions and helps by pre-setting priorities throughout the day. Which are two major problems kids with poor impulse control struggle with.
So, having a before and after-school routine helps establish some guidelines for kids, and helps narrow their focus. They don’t lose time in the morning wondering if they should get dressed first, or eat breakfast first, or maybe just go ahead and turn on the TV because they’re overwhelmed and distracted by all the thoughts bumping around in their mind.
Questions & Myths About After School Routines for Kids with ADHD
Won’t it make home feel like school? Or a jail?
Structure isn’t restrictive. Think of no structure as a blank page, and structure as a coloring book. But, you’re not limited to just the picture with a coloring book; you can improvise, add things in the white space, or just color in the lines. The blank page can seem free-ing, but many kids freeze when given a blank page with zero instruction.
I’m already really busy, and this seems like an additional task I just can’t take on
It’s not hard to put a structure into place. And the nice thing is you can do it bit by bit! It’s one of those things in life where a little bit of work up-front makes your life so much easier in the long run.
I don’t want to nag my kid about one. more. thing.
If your teen or kid is struggling with impulse control, you’re already reminding them a million times a day to do (or not do) a bajillion different things. Giving your kid a routine will NOT increase what you’re reminding them about- it will give structure and predictability to what you’re telling them to do. For example, in the morning, instead of shouting, “Turn off the TV! Did you brush your hair? And your teeth? And change your underwear? Is your bed made? Did you eat breakfast?” you can use the morning routine to help trigger all those behaviors. AND, it’ll help your child learn some basic task management!
This seems like something that other families do. It wouldn’t work at my house.
First, your family CAN do this. Second- if your reasoning is that you’re too busy, you work outside the home, you have more kids than those other imaginary families, or your kid has worse ADHD, or whatever other reason makes it harder for your family to do have a schedule- I’d argue that you NEED this at your house even more. You are more than strong enough and smart enough to use a before-school and after-school routine in your home.
How to create a routine that works for your ADHD Child
There are a couple ways to go about creating a routine. For example, it can be a daily, or a weekly, routine. IE, every day at 4 I do my homework, or every Saturday morning I do my chores. However, if you’re working with a kid who has a challenge focusing, you’re more likely to have success if you start with a daily schedule.
My best suggestion is to focus on one time of the day, and avoid starting with your most challenging time. So, if the mornings are your toughest time with your kid or teen, starting with the nightly routine would make the most sense, and get you the most traction. You want to make this easy for yourself and your child!
Start with small successes and build from there!
Printable Daily & Weekly Chart for Bedtime, Before School, and After School Routines
I have a printable daily schedule template for you to use. It’s divided into three sections- morning (for before school routines), afternoon (for after-school schedules) and evening (for bedtime routines).
There’s a page of this PDF that can be used for a whole week, or you can take things day-by-day with the daily page. For kids who get overwhelmed easily, or who have a lot going on, the daily chart is a great option.
Make Routines Easy
Keep it simple! These blank printable charts make it easy to customize your daily or weekly schedules.
Hooray!!
Check your inbox in a minute or two for your free Daily/Weekly Routine printable and a quick message from me!
Use a scheduled/established homework time, when you can plan to stay close.
Work with your child’s teacher(s) to see if you can have a reasonable time-limit on homework. Some teachers go by a general guideline of 10 minutes per grade level. For example, a 3rd grader wouldn’t be expected to do more than 30 minutes of homework per night.
Have a reward (family time, playtime, a certain toy/activity becomes available) after homework.
Have some screen-free wind-down time. They can calm down by reading books, playing puzzles, or coloring.
Layout everything for the next morning
Have the same routine daily; it will start triggering their brain that it’s about time for sleep if you can help them be consistent.
Use scents or a warm shower/bath to your advantage.
Make bedtime rewarding by having it be a time you read a special book to them, or when you do snuggles, or a special ‘tuck-in’ routine.
Make sure phones/tablets/computers are charging in a different room overnight. Remove the temptation to get back out of bed!
Optional- Talk to your pediatrician about if melatonin is a good option for your kid.
Kids Thrive With Structure
Give your kid the comfort of having a before and after school routine. It’s important for all kids, but possibly even more so for kids with ADHD.
Even a loose structure or routine can help you all have a sense of order, peace, and security. Kids need to know what to expect next, and you can play a critical role in that by providing routine.
Please, share in the comments below, what’s been the best benefit for you in having a nightly, morning, or after school routine for ADHD?
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A Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety
It’s 6:45 am, and I can hear him screaming 2 floors away. I grumble, set down my coffee, and make a sarcastic remark about “another great day” as I head up the stairs to sort this out.
Anxiety has destroyed the peace in my house.
OK, I have 3 boys. Maybe not the peace. But definitely the joy.
What wouldn’t I give to start the day with happiness? With little smiling faces coming down the stairs?
Instead, I see little faces who have already lost the battle with control and overwhelm, and can’t bear for me to even say good morning to them.
Managing Anxiety In Kids Under 10
In my experience, managing anxiety, especially childhood anxiety, is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm. When you have anxiety, you have the sense that you can’t control anything.
Which can be a big problem, because kids don’t naturally have a lot of control.
One easy way to give that control back to them is to give them specific times and tasks that they can assert their independence. Not only will this help them gain a bit of control- it’s completely developmentally appropriate!
[bctt tweet=”Managing childhood anxiety is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm” prompt=”tell a friend”]
The Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety
Let them choose what to wear.
The specific solution I’m sharing today is letting your kid choose what to wear in the morning (or the evening for pjs) and then dress themselves. And the nice thing about this task is that, for as long as your kid is wearing those clothes, they are a reminder that they were able to make a choice for themselves.
Even kids as young as 2 can choose their clothes! And it gives them such a sense of satisfaction. Has your kid even come to you, fully dressed in the morning, with that look of pride on their face? The look that says, “Hey, I’m awesome, Mom! Look what amazing thing I did!”
And while that look definitely wears off for slightly older kids, they still love the chance to start expressing themselves and their personal choices.
Yes, your kid may decide to wear plaid and stripes together, or may decide that a neon orange athletic shirt is a great look under a button-down. As long as they’re dressed appropriately for the weather, just think of it as a chance to choose your battles. 😉
Clothes Can Cause More Anxiety
Unfortunately, sometimes the clothes can be more of a struggle than a solution. A kid with anxiety can easily get overwhelmed if there could be too many choices.
Or a child with perfectionist tendencies may get stuck, doubting their ability to match something.
Maybe the clothes are uncomfortable for your kid, and there are weird seams or tags they need to avoid. (It’s not uncommon for kids with anxiety to also have sensory issues.) And some clothes have graphics that are just downright scary to kids.
Whatever the reason, one of the ways to help children with anxiety is to create a personal uniform, using only the basics they reliably wear.
“Uniforms” Are An Easy Way to Help Children With Anxiety
A lot of people tend to think of uniforms as a restrictive thing, but since this is a personal uniform, created around your specific child that you have complete control over, I tend to think of it as hitting the sweet spot to fight childhood anxiety. It really is one of the simplest ideas to help children with anxiety.
First, the clothes are based on what your kid already likes, so they have control.
Second, the options are limited, so they’re notoverwhelmed every time they open the dresser or closet.
“Uniform” examples
In my house, pocket t-shirts are a big hit. (I don’t personally get it, but they unquestionably make my son happy, so I roll with it!) So, in the summer, we can do solid pocket t-shirts, plus neutral shorts.
Keeping it to the basics helps with the matching aspect so I don’t have to send kids back upstairs to change, creating frustration for everyone. In the winter, we really don’t mess around with too many layers. So, it’s jeans and plain long-sleeves to keep the choices, and the overwhelm to a minimum.
Where We Find the Basics
We stumbled into Primary a few years ago when we were creating a homemade “green ninja” costume for my then 6-year-old. And at that point, it felt close to a miracle to find plain, green pajamas in a size 7!
I love Primary’s mission to create clothes that don’t say nonsense like, “I’m too pretty for math” or have a million graphics on them. Just because my kids tend to be on the big side, that doesn’t mean they should have to wear clothes with designs meant for boys 2-3 years older than they actually are. I just want my 4-year-old to look like a 4-year-old? You know? (OK, rant over!)
Primary’s quality of fabric is awesome, which means I can hand these bad boys down for yeeeaaaars. And they’re the basics, so they never go out of style. Which is good, because we’re part of an 8 boy hand-me-down chain. I’ve come to realize that investing a little more for the oldest one saves me a ton of money.
Some of my favorites for the uniforms for boys are:
(sorry- mom of all boys here, not trying to be biased. It’s just what I know! There are tons of cute options for girls, too!)
Trust me, I am absolutely aware that this is not a complete solution. Still, anytime you can use a simple idea to help children with anxiety have control and reduce their overwhelm -it’s a win in my book!
That’s what easy wins are good for. Taking the edge off, and building momentum. And really, if you’re a parent of a kid with anxiety, what wouldn’t you do to start the day right with your child?
Is this something you’ve already tried out? Share what sort of uniform works for your kid in the comments below!
Alex is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
So, you’ve been waiting for the day when your kid is in-tune enough with themselves to begin to take some real responsibility for their impulse control. And it’s finally here!
The only problem is that you have no idea where to get started.
Managing impulse control can look a bit like climbing a mountain when you’re getting started. It looks giant and imposing, and you might have no clue where to start.
But, just as with climbing a mountain, the path starts with putting one foot in front of the other. If you’re ready to start this journey with your kid, the Impulse Control Workbook is here to guide you!
I can’t promise it will be easy, but it will be sooooo worth it. Because the view from the top is amazing!
Who Is The Impulse Control Workbook For?
The workbook was designed for parents with kids who are struggling with impulse control. In short, it’s for parents:
Who want to help their kid develop more control over their impulsive behavior
With children who may or may not have a diagnosis of ADHD
Who have a teen or older kid who is capable of recognizing their impulsiveness
With a kid who has an identifiable problem with impulse control (ie: there is a certain area(s) of their life where their lack of impulse control is causing a problem, like blurting out answers in class, or not listening to directions at home)
Who are dreaming of a more peaceful, cohesive home
Who want their teen or older kid to have the tools to succeed, in the classroom and at life
And, who are determined to make a difference in their kid’s life.
What’s In The “Impulse Control Workbook” PDF?
This 7-page workbook takes a 3 step process to help teens (and older kids) develop greater self-control.
Section 1- Tips for Parents
The first section helps set the stage for you as the parent. In it, you’ll learn what it takes to become prepared to teach impulse control to your teen. The goal is to set you up for success, and reduce the amount of frustration and hopelessness you may feel on this journey.
Section 2- Life Skills
Next, in the second section, impulse control is broken down by category. There are different life skills that every person needs to mature into an emotionally healthy adult, like delayed gratification and stress management. Looking at impulse control through this lens helps clearly identify your teen’s strengths and weaknesses. And once you identify the life skills they need to develop better impulse control, you can zero in on how to best help them.
Section 3- Impulse Control Activities for Teens (and Older Kids!)
Lastly, this leads us to section 3- activities for impulse control for teens. This section lists out simple activities that can lead to better self-control. It’s broken down by life-skill, so they can personalize what activities make the most sense for them to work on!
Here are 2 “sneak peak” pages of the Impulse Control Workbook!
Further Reading
You might want to check out these other articles about impulse control, ADHD, and ways to make this challenging parenting journey a little more fun!
Some of the links on this page are affiliate links. As a member of Amazon affiliate and other affiliate programs, I earn a small commission if you purchase through these links, at no additional cost to you!
Finding the right present for a highly intelligent child, especially a birthday or a Christmas gift, can be difficult! They seem to plow through toys at an alarming rate, since gifted boys and girls tend to master things so quickly.
One of the best strategies I have seen, is to stick with the basics which can be re-created or re-built a million times. Things like Legos, Erector sets, or a set of pastels go a long way with gifted kids!
Also, with this group of kids, feel free to disregard the ‘manufacturers recommended age’ on the side of the box. If you’re looking for challenging toys, one of the easiest ways to do this is to forget about the age group, and just find a toy that fits the kid’s interest, and is slightly beyond the ability.
The 7-year-old to 9-year-old range can be particularly tricky. Kids are growing-up, and they want to be treated more and more like adults. And with gifted kids, it can be hard to forget that they aren’t older than they are because of their verbal and logical skills. But they’re still kids! And they still certainly hope to receive toys for their birthdays and holidays!
Here are some of the best toys for gifted kids for 2019:
Best Puzzles for Gifted Kids
These puzzles all have a great price point- right around $10. Which makes them an awesome choice for birthday parties or even stocking stuffers!
It will keep your kiddo busy for hours. There are over 200 of these brain teasers! And they can even play competitively (if they want) by keeping track of their completion time and challenging a friend! There’s also a 2nd volume of logic puzzles, if you need.
Riddlecube the Game combines brain-teasers, fast-paced fun, and spatial reasoning. There are challenge cards and 4 “riddlecube shape shifters” that you use to solve the challenges in 60 seconds or less. If you have a highly intelligent child in your life that loves spatial reasoning challenges, they will have a blast with this game!
You can’t go wrong with the Rubik’s Cube. The original is a great place to start- but if they master it, there are pyramids, and many other shapes they can mess around with, too!
Best Games for Gifted Kids
Board games are a great choice to give as a present for a gifted child. They’re fun, make a kid develop strategy and foresight, and foster relational skills (since they have to at least play against someone else!) Here are some of the standouts:
Reviewers love SpyAlley, and it’s not hard to see why it’s won a bunch of awards, including Mensa Select. You’ll need your powers of observation and deduction- and it’s marketed as a family game (which is nice, especially if the kid you’re shopping for has siblings). It’s a mystery-solving game, so if they like Clue, chances are they’ll love SpyAlley.
Another Mensa Select winner, Planetis a great family board game. There’s a 3D puzzle of a globe, and players get to enjoy the challenge of creating the perfect world and ecosystem for their wildlife. It’s ideal for the animal and nature loving kids in your life!
There are varying levels of difficulty, which makes it versatile enough for the whole family to enjoy- which is great, because playing board games by yourself is no fun! The goal of Labyrinth is to collect objects while going through a hidden maze. It’ll test their memory, logic and planning skills!
Best Activities for Gifted Kids
Building activities that allow for creativity and/or lots of creative thinking make excellent gifts for gifted kids. Especially if the building can be taken apart and put together again!
A great STEM toy- this is a awesome choice for any kid who likes building. Snap Circuits teaches the basic “complete the loop” concept with electricity, and includes rewarding components like fans, buzzers and switches that let you know right away if you’ve put the circuit together completely. Once your kid has mastered that, they’re free to create the most complicated electrical path they can- no permit required! (There’s also a Junior Snap Circuit version with a few less pieces and a slightly lower price point.)
If you did o-chem in college, you’ll recognize this set! It’s a molecular model kit that’s marketed for grades 7-university. But I have it here, because gifted kids are often ready to be introduced to complicated concepts much earlier than ‘recommended grade level.’ If you have a budding scientist, introducing the elements this way could be truly fascinating, and a concrete way to see some of the world’s smallest components.
I’m super partial to K’Nex. They’re one of those ‘next-step-up-from-Lego’s’ toys (yes, I just created that category) that really stand the test of time. You can build as standard or complicated structures as you want, but these also give you the opportunity for more moving parts. So if your gifted kid is becoming bored with Lego’s because they just sit there, this would be a great gift option.
No gift guide for gifted kids would be complete without recommending a coding option. My First Coding And Computer Kit is a great starter since it allows kids to learn about computer science while creating binary necklaces, ancient encryption devices, sorting races, mystery mazes, and even pixelated pictures.
Gifts for Gifted Kids
If you’re getting stumped about what to get for a gifted kid, remember, there’s often something that they’re currently taking a ‘deep dive’ into. Use this specialized interest to your advantage!
Take whatever they’re interested in, and add a little twist. For example, maybe they’re very artistic. What mediums haven’t they experimented with yet? Could you get a canvas, or pastels, or even some fabric for them?
Art supplies, and notebooks are almost always a safe bet for this group. They’re such open ended options, they’ll be able to find something to do with it!
Books are another awesome option, although gifted kids can tend to be pretty voracious readers so it might be tricky to find something age and level appropriate they haven’t read yet. I’ve found that a good librarian or teacher are worth their weight in gold for book recommendations!
And lastly, a magazine subscription that incorporates their specialized interest is the gift that keeps on giving!
The other day, my 8-year-old was a captive audience in the van. And I wanted to touch base with him about something that had been on my mind. So, I asked, “Honey, I’m curious, do you ever think about climate change? Is it something you have any feelings about?”
His immediate answer? An emphatic YES. “Oh really?” I said. “Yeah, I have tons of feelings about it.”
“Really? Which ones?”
“Well, just one type of feeling…Worry.”
That caught me off guard. I don’t know why it did; everything points to the fact that he should be worried. But as a mom, I wanted to brush this back under the rug. To tell him, “Oh, it’ll all be ok. The grown-ups will fix this. Don’t worry.”
But, therapeutically, this is unhelpful at best, and damaging at worst. He’s allowed to experience whatever feelings he has.
I also know too much to believe that any of what I wanted to say is actually true.
But most importantly, I know he’s not alone.
What Is Climate Anxiety?
It really is just what it sounds like. It’s anxiety, specifically based on concern or worry about the environment and/or climate. You may also hear it called eco-anxiety.
Excessive worry over weather patterns, melting glaciers, extinction, over-population, plastics (and the list goes on) are all examples of climate anxiety. It can become paralyzing for kids, and adults, alike. If your kid is experiencing climate anxiety, and it can spiral into hopelessness and a fairly existential crisis if left unaddressed.
Although it’s not currently in the DSM-5, which means you can’t get an actual diagnosis, you can receive climate anxiety counseling.
The good news is that there’s a fine line between overwhelming and paralyzing anxiety about the climate, and a sense of urgency that pushes us into action. When addressing eco-anxiety with our kids, we’re ultimately going to focus on ways to take individual action.
How to Talk To Your Kids About Climate Change
Climate change is a HUGE topic, with lots of moving parts. But personally, teaching my kids about these giant topics and getting to emphasize the parts that I value the most, is one of my favorite parts of parenting!
So, just like with any other large, sometimes challenging concepts (think sex, or religious beliefs) it’s best to go slow, and start with the basics.
Start with a foundation of what nature is, and grow an appreciation for it! Spend time at parks, on walks, or visiting nearby National or State parks. This step cannot be understated. And it should be repeated as often as possible.
And then proceed based on the developmental level of your child. A 4-year-old and 10-year-old are going to be able to think- and process their feelings- about climate change very differently!
If you’re looking for a few books to help explain climate and the environment to kids, here are a (very) few recommendations:
Hope and Action are the Best Solutions for Climate Anxiety
I know it can be tough, especially if you’re experiencing eco-anxiety yourself- but try to leave your kid with an actionable step (keep reading for a few ideas), and a little bit of hope. Try to leave the apocalyptic imagery and most of the doom and gloom out of your discussions.
Finding a balance between urgency is terror is hard. But giving them hope is one of the best ways to avoid climate anxiety or depression, while still raising a kid who cares about the environment.
RESOURCES TO GIVE YOUR CHILD HOPE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT
If you’re struggling to think about the positives yourself, The New Climate is an entire site dedicated to sharing positive environmental news.
[bctt tweet=”Hope and action are the best solutions for climate anxiety.” prompt=”tell a friend”]
How Kids Can Address Climate Change, by Age Group
Climate change is a problem too large for any single person- or even country- to solve. Which is the paradox that has led to so much inaction over the decades. Psychology even has a term for this: the bystander effect.
Effectively, the more bystanders are around, the less likely they are to assist a person (or in this case, an environment) in distress. The thought process is, “Oh, there are plenty of people here. Someone else MUST already be doing something about that. I don’t want to intervene, I’ll just get in the way.”
And while those thoughts are pretty typical, they’re wildly unhelpful.
To help combat the bystander effect, and get your kid engaged in protecting the environment, encourage your kid to think about their efforts multiplied by 7.7 billion.
Action is the number one tool to help kids cope with climate anxiety.
Actions to Help Kids Cope with Climate Anxiety & Save The Environment- Toddlers and Preschoolers
For the youngest kids, (toddlers and preschoolers) these are easy introductions that will help to start build a habit. Most of these actions will focus on what they can do around the home, because in the toddler, preschool and even early elementary ages, their world isn’t that big.
Plant something. The larger the better. But even an herb will do. A tree is great, but the point at the younger ages is an appreciation of nature.
If they like pushing the kid-size carts at the store, have them be in charge of their own reusable bag at the store
Teach them to put clean or lightly-worn clothes back in their drawers (thus reducing the amount of laundry to-do)
Do a garbage pick-up at a local park
Have them be in charge of turning off lights when people leave a room
Actions to Help Kids Cope With Climate Anxiety & Save the Environment- Elementary School
As kids grow, their world view grows. A 4th grader is much more aware of the world around her, and more capable of interacting with it. While building on the ideas above, these ideas will start including other places in their life (school, etc.) and advocacy.
Let them walk, bike, or ride the bus to school at least one more day per week than they already are.
Ask their school (or church, etc.) to begin a compost program, or to increase their recycling program.
Work on delayed gratification. If we all- including adults- practiced more delayed gratification, we could reduce our impulse consumerism drastically.
Explore the idea of receiving experiences, like tickets for an event, as gifts, instead of toys or clothing.
Take them to thrift stores to purchase gifts for others. I typically take my kids (who’s budget is $1-$3) to the Dollar Store to buy presents for the brothers during Christmastime. We could go to the thrift store instead and achieve the same goal, AND avoid all the carbon emissions that come with making cheap plastic toys.
Actions to Help Kids Cope With Climate Anxiety and Save the Environment- Middle and High Schoolers
These steps are going to continue building on the work you’ve already done, and continue with the theme of expanding the size of the world.
Honestly, for responsible and thoughtful teenagers, (and preteens!) there are no limits to what they can do, and how many people they can influence. See: Greta Thunberg.
(Side note: if you don’t understand why your kid is up in arms about climate change and experiencing eco-anxiety, watch Greta Thunberg’s speech to the UN. It’s only 4ish minutes long, and is a powerful indictment against business as usual.)
There are nearly limitless ideas for ways to get involved for this age-group. We’re only limited by our creativity here! So, I broke down the actions into individual steps they could take, and larger scale, or ‘big picture’ ideas.
INDIVIDUAL CLIMATE ACTIONS FOR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS & HIGH SCHOOLERS
Teach kids to sew so they can mend small holes or rips in clothes
Get serious about biking and walking places; organize carpools when the distance is too far.
Find a way they can use their skills to fight climate change. How can they contribute with their unique skills? We’re going to need writers, leaders, engineers, teachers, farmers- and more- to solve this! So what angle would engage your kid the most?
Teach them to plan, purchase ingredients for, and cook a meatless or zero-waste meal (or two!)
BIG PICTURE CLIMATE ACTIONS FOR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS & HIGH SCHOOLERS
This is the list of actions for teens and pre-teens who want to get involved in protecting the environment on a larger scale. Here are some “big picture” ideas:
Encourage them to take political action. Individual changes, while important, aren’t going to be enough to keep us under 1.5 degrees Celsius to prevent irreversible global changes. So, we’re going to need sweeping changes that have to start at the political and/or business level. Some examples are:
Participating in climate marches
Writing to government representatives- and don’t forget the local and state reps! Big changes can happen on a city or state level!
Voting for candidates who are serious about taking steps to reduce our impact on the climate. (If they’re not 18, and you’re willing to vote on their behalf, teach them to do their research and ask who they’d like you to vote for.)
ENCOURAGE THEM TO SHARE NEW IDEAS! This one may be the most important. They are looking at this problem with a fresh set of eyes, and a new perspective. Encourage them to share what solutions they may see, listen, and help them put these ideas into action if possible.
What Can We Do About Climate Anxiety and Kids?
As adults, we understand there is a deep urgency to addressing climate change. But it’s absolutely overwhelming to our kids. When we present information in a way like, “Here are the Top 10 Environmental Issues That Should Make You Worry,” (not kidding, a real title of an article from some of the first research I was doing for this post) we aren’t giving our kids the tools they need to cope with climate anxiety.
Instead, what they end up hearing is, “Things are so out of control that the adults can’t handle it, so yes, you as a 7-year-old should be worrying about this.”
What we do, and the tone we set as parents deeply matters if we want our kids to be able to cope with climate anxiety, and ultimately be able to DO something about it.
We can explain the basics, foster an appreciation of the natural world, find cause for hope, and find ways they can take action.
Because actions always feels better than anxiety.
Do you think your kid is suffering from climate anxiety? Have you asked? How has climate change affected your family?
School just started back up, and you’re realizing this year that homework is now a nightmare for your kid. There are nightly tears about homework, and you’re starting to just feel drained from it all.
Or maybe your kid wouldn’t mind doing math sheets all night, if that just meant they didn’t have to do their nightly reading.
It’s obvious that for whatever reason, your kid needs help learning. You think it might be a learning disability, or would at least like to rule that out. You may even have narrowed it down, and are able to voice a specific concern like, “I think my kid might be dyslexic.”
Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out how to help your struggling student.
So how do you get help if your child has a learning disability?
Where do you go from here? You’ve read all about the signs and symptoms of learning disorders like dyscalculia, and dysgraphia.
But how do you get from reading all this information, to actually putting school interventions in place?
Here are a few steps you can take to go from having this be a suspicion of yours, to getting your child some real help in school.
1. Gather Your Evidence/Concerns
The first step to figuring out if your child has a learning disability is to put it in writing. Are you concerned about a learning problem, or a behavior problem? Both? Is one of the primary?
(It’s very common for one to mask the other. For example, if I child has dyslexia and is struggling to read, they may act out in class- either out of frustration, shame, or as a distraction.)
[bctt tweet=”It’s common for behavior problems in school to mask learning disabilities.” prompt=”tell a friend”]
What exactly are you seeing that concerns you? Be specific. For example, don’t be vague like, “Eva spent way too long on her homework every single night this week.”
Keeping notes like, “Eva cried for 20 minutes before starting her homework, saying things like, “I’m too dumb for this,” and then it took her 45 minutes to finish 10 math problems. She got 2 correct.”
2. Talk To The Teacher
Let me be clear- you are speaking with the teacher to gather his or her observations- NOT to get their blessing about whether or not you’ll continue pursuing this. It’s especially important to remember this if you have a teacher who’s dismissive of the idea that your child needs additional support.
But generally, the teachers are a wealth of information. They’ll tell you what reading or math group your kid is in, and how much extra help they’ve been needing.
They might even surprise you and say, “Oh yeah, I was planning to bring that up at our next parent-teacher conference.”
You’ll also want to ask if they’re using any interventions already.
3. Schedule an evaluation with the school psych.
Using the information you’ve gathered, you need to call the school and schedule an eval. It’s a critical step in getting an answer to the question of, “Does my kid have a learning disability?”
Just say something like, “I believe that my kid is having a problem with math, and would like her to be evaluated for a learning problem” and they’ll be able to take if from there.
YOU don’t have to have to pre-diagnose your child, you just need to clearly state the concern.
4. Wait for the eval/results.
This may be the hardest part. Try to just breathe, and remember that your kid is still the same person that you love and think is amazing, whether or not they have a diagnosis of dyscalculia or not.
Once the results come back, decide if they make sense to you. Did they test the area you were concerned about? Did they treat your family with fairness and respect?
In short, do you think the school psychologist got a clear and unbiased look at your child’s abilities?
From here, you have two choices: One, accept the result and work towards a plan. Two, seek a second opinion.
Also, even if the school said your kid doesn’t have a learning disability, that doesn’t mean you can’t create a plan to help your kid! You can develop one on your own; there are plenty of ways to address learning problems at home.
5. (Optional) Seek a second opinion.
If you don’t think the evaluation accurately represented your kid’s abilities, you can seek a second opinion.
Be warned, in the US, this is likely to get expensive because now you’re going to be looking for a private psychologist or group to do the testing. Which means you’re more than likely going to have to pay out of pocket.
It’s obviously up to you, but keep in mind that this should only be a one-time cost that you have to deal with, if that helps make this an easier pill to swallow..
6. Create a plan.
If your child received a diagnosis of learning disability, ask the professional for a plan to address this before you walk out of the room/get off the phone. At the very least, schedule a meeting to follow-up on this.
Additional tutoring, a 504 plan, an IEP, or behavioral counseling are all options for your kid that you may want to explore.
If this is your first venture into the world of IEP, my friend Laurie has written a wonderful explanation of The IEP Process for Parents. Even if you’ve dealt with IEPs or 504s before, it’s worth a refresher!
Keeping the Team Accountable
I always like to keep a ‘paper’ trail, so even if you talk on the phone or in person, you can send a quick email as a follow-up. “Just to summarize, we talked about Johnny’s school performance, and potential learning disabilities, and your thoughts were… and my thoughts were…” That type of thing.
If you’re like me, and your brain is colander on the best of days, this is also a nice way to make sure you have everything in one place when it’s time to re-evaluate.
Make sure to re-evaluate the diagnosis and results from time to time. Every quarter, report card, or just at the end of the school year are all times that make sense to do this. IEP meetings are only required to be held annually, but as the parent it’s your right to request more, if needed.
So, what do you do if you think your child has a learning disability?
It’s straight-forward- don’t ignore your gut feeling! You know your child better than anyone else. You’ve got the tools you need, now it’s time to be strong and advocate for them!
Let me know if you’re running into any roadblocks- I’m always happy to brainstorm solutions with people!
Ahhhhhhhhh. Internally motivated kids. That’s the dream, right?
Because, wouldn’t it be great if your kid wanted to do their chores and clean their room? Or if they would do their homework without you ever reminding them? What if you never had to nag them to practice piano or free-throws ever again?!
But it doesn’t have to remain a fantasy. You can help your child develop their internal motivation. Which will not only help you, but is an incredibly important part of excelling in adulthood! (So maybe they’ll actually move out one day!)
But First, What is Internal Motivation?
(Ok, bear with me while I geek out for a minute 😋)
Intrinsic motivation theory (the psychological study for all things related to internal motivation) suggests that people engage in some activities purely for the internal reward. There are things that we do, simply because they’re enjoyable to us. They fulfill our sense of competence, independence and/or connectedness.
In contrast, external (or extrinsic) motivation would be doing something for a reward outside of ourselves; like praise, money, or fame.
A kid who is internally motivated does something for the internal reward it brings; a sense of accomplishment, or the sense that volunteering brings them closer to their community, or even the peace that comes from ‘doing their part.’
Steps for How to Motivate A Child
1. Figure out what motivates them.
Sure, you want them to do well in school, but clearly that’s not resonating with them. Look deeper into what’s driving them right now; what psychological need are they trying to fulfill? Are they a kid who loves to learn and will dive deep about topics that are interesting, even if it has nothing to do with school? (Competence) Or are they always trying to find a way to be different from the norm? (Independence) Use that knowledge to reframe why they would want to do well in school.
2. Help your kid develop their identity.
You can help motivate a child by assisting them in defining their identity. Use their behaviors that point towards what drives them (the ones you identified in step 1), to help them identify that as part of their identity. “I am a person who loves to learn” or “I am a person who values individualism.” Essentially, here you are helping them define some of their values. And a value-driven personal is functioning on internal motivation.
3. Find Their “Why”
We need to figure out why this would be a meaningful task for them to accomplish for themselves, rather than for someone else. Depending on the developmental age of your kid*, this would be an awesome conversation to have. (Usually, the most direct way to these answers is to just ask!)These examples of internal motivation would be a great place to dig in. For example, if your trying to motivate your child in sports, you can help them kid see the difference between practicing their free-throw because they simply enjoy basketball, (or the act of mastering a new skill) or because Coach said they had to practice.
*Quick Note*
If you have a kid who hasn’t hit the age of reason or meta-cognition yet (approximately 8ish, but it’ll vary pretty widely) then I would just sprinkle in little sentences throughout the day like, “You seem really proud of the Lego creation you built- I love that you enjoy the process of creating so much!” It may seem small, but after years of hearing how they’ve enjoyed being creative, it’s going to imprint on their brain, and one day that’ll come right back to them, “Oh yeah, I’m someone who loves to create!” That’s when you can help them explore if they like creating new recipes, stories, or even larger projects that are masquerading as homework.
Once your kid hits tween years, I stop trying to be ‘sneaky’ with this sort of conversation, and just talk to them like their adults. They may not understand or process it all completely on an adult level, but it’s a great way to model conversation, and they’ll appreciate the respect.
4. How do you motivate an unmotivated child? Find the hook.
Use those psychological needs that they’re trying to meet, and use those to your advantage. Maybe they’re really working towards connectedness at this moment; some kids balk at homework and studying due to the isolation they feel while they’re doing it. In that case, maybe hosting a study group at your house with kids in their class would help your child do more of their homework during that time?
5. Use personality quizzes!
There’s no denying that personality quizzes are fun to take! Gretchen Rubin, of The Happiness Project, developed a whole personality quiz, called the 4 Tendancies , with the specific tagline, “One of the daily challenges of life is: “How do I get people- including myself- to do what I want?” It’s a great resource for learning how to motivate unmotivated kids, utilizing their personality (especially for older kids/teens who have developed a more stable personality).
Essentially, you’re helping them understand and harness the power of their unique disposition towards why they will do something. According to Gretchen, there are 4 categories of people, Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel.
So, for example, if my teenager took this quiz, and it told him that he’s a Questioner, we would understand that his drive to know why is very deep, and he will only tend to do things once he understands the purpose and it makes sense to him. That definitely gives us something to work with when we’re trying to internally motivate a child!
6. Tie small facts into the process.
Fun fact- learning small, new, novel facts hits your brain the same way that scrolling Facebook for new information does. It gives us a tiny hit of dopamine, and lights up the reward centers in our brains.
So, learning tiny, interesting facts is a very rewarding process, (although understanding it as a reward is fairly subconscious). Essentially, it will complete the loop in the brain that says, “I just did something, where’s my reward” without offering an external reward.
To use this tip, just keep it simple and tell your kid that after they complete whatever task you’re trying to get them to do, you will tell them a fun fact! (Or a weird fact, or a gross fact. You know your kid best. Use this to your advantage.)
While technically this fact could be about anything, bonus points for making the topic relevant to what they’re working on. (Ie: you want your kid to make their bed every day? Arm yourself with weird bed facts, like that the spring mattress was invented in Germany in 1871)
Avoid This Trap If You Want to Raise A Self-Motivated Child
If you want to self-motivate your child, The one thing NOT to do: DO NOT GIVE AN EXTERNAL REWARD! It’s a trap. You think you can reward a task, create a positive association, and then remove the reward. It makes sense. It follows everything we’ve been taught in Psych 101 and that we know about Pavlov and his famous drooling dogs. But I repeat, it’s a trap! (And yes, as a mom of 3 boys, I really want to put a Star Wars joke here. But I digress…)
What really happens when we reward the completed task is that our children are now working towards an external reward. Things like praise, ice cream, or even gold stars are all external rewards. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what we were going for. It seems like a great short-cut, even like common sense, but the result will be an externally motivated child, not an internally motivated one.
Now You Know How to Motivate A Child
These steps will work for whatever reason you have for needing to motivate a child. Whether they need motivated to work on school and learn, or to practice music or sports, these steps are universal. They’ll even help a kid who may seem unmotivated, stubborn, or even lazy.
The trick is as simple and challenging as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.
[bctt tweet=”The trick to motivating our kids is as simple- and challenging- as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.”]
Becoming an adult means doing the hard and unfulfilling tasks, even if you don’t want to. So helping your kid find (and use) internal motivation is a key part to helping them become a successful, independent adult.
What are you trying to motivate your child to do? Share in the comments below!
Are you in search of a few quick, easy ways to make bath time fun? And do you need those answers, like, yesterday?
I get it! Some kids HATE bathtime. Maybe they struggle with Sensory Processing Disorder, maybe they have a phobia of the bath, or other anxiety about water, maybe they’d rather just keep their well-earned filth on them. Who knows! (Actually, you probably do!)
But that doesn’t mean they don’t eventually neeeeeed a bath. And it is truly exhausting when it reaches that point. 30 minutes of screaming and crying, and you’re remembering some history book that said people 200 years ago got a bath once a year. Your kid would live, right?
But it might not have to be this hard. I have some great ideas to make bath time more fun for even the toughest customer, so keep reading!
Ideas To Make Bath Time Fun
1. Bath Fizzes
Whether it’s homemade bath bombs, or the little fizzes, these will definitely distract your kid long enough to get them washed
2. Bath Crayons
Because when else are they allowed to draw on the wall?!
3. Water Toys
There are a bajillion bath toys on the market. Find one that’ll peak their interest! Also, anything can be a bath toy as long as it’s not electric, or maybe wood. We’ve definitely taken favorite plastic super-hero toys in the bath under the pretense that the Avengers needed a good washdown, too.
4. Glow sticks
This is a really cool bath idea! Grab a pack of glow sticks, turn off the lights in the bathroom (maybe keep a nightlight on for safety) and watch your kid become mesmerized by the neon lights!
5. Bath Foam
Or you can just use shaving cream.
6. Fun Bath Time Music
Nothing turns it into a party faster than some good music!
7. Rewards for getting clean without crying!
If your kid knows they can earn a special show or book, or a small treat, or whatever, they might just start asking for bath time!
Ideas to make bath time fun for kids with sensory processing disorder or anxiety
Maybe your kid needs more or less bumpy. Some kids can’t handle the soapy feeling, and others the roughness of a washcloth.
10. Avoid unsupported head-tilting
Head tilting may be hard- because it involves the vestibular sense- so you could try washing hair in the sink. (And then rest their head on a propped-up collander if they would feel more secure that way.)
11. Sponge bath
Have them sit in a plastic kids chair and do a sponge bath if they can’t sit in water
12. Gradual is key
Let them sit in the water as you start the tub so they can gradually get used to the sensation of water. If they have a phobia of water, this may help them feel more confident that they can control how much water is going in.
13. Wear a swim suit
If you have a kid who’ll go swimming, but not take a bath, break out the swim suit!
14. Try a suds-free shampoo
That soapy sensation from most typical shampoos may be too much to handle, depending on the child. Some love it, some really don’t.
15. Take less (or more) baths
Reduce or increase the amount of bath times as needed! Some kids need repeated exposure to feel more comfortable, and others need less. Kids who have started edging towards puberty don’t need to bathe as often as we may think. It’s very unregimented, but try just washing when they’re dirty or smelly.
How To Make Bath Time Fun For Kids Who Hate Getting Their Hair Washed
16. Use A Focal Point
Put stickers on the tub for kids to focus on and look at so you can get different angles of their hair washed/rinsed
17. Swimming goggles/ear plugs
For a lot of kids, getting water in their ears or eyes is a deal-breaker. Yes, the swimming goggles complicate hair washing. But just imagine having bath time with NO screaming!
18. Hand-held shower attachment
Using a hand-held shower attachment is another option for a more controlled way to wet and rinse the hair to try and avoid the eyes and ears.
19. Empty shampoo bottle
These also have a small opening for a more controlled pour
20. Let kids be in control
See if your kid wants to be in charge of at least wetting their hair. Being in control may be a great way to help make bath time for fun for a toddler, and make it less stressful for them. (and you!)
21. Cover their face during hair washing
I have to credit my husband for this tactic that works like a charm in my house. We start with 2 hand-towels, and let our son hold a dry towel over his face while I pour the water over his head, and I help check that his ears are ‘plugged’ with the towels, too. Then we use another dry, fresh hand-towel to hold over his face while we rinse.
22. Focus on Play Time
Just let them play in the bath every other time (unless your kid is super dirty) and save the washing for next time! Nothing will make bath time more fun than just being allowed to play! Also, this will help identify where you’re real problem is: the feeling of water, or of being washed.
23. Avoid unsupported head tilting
I know it’s already above, but in case you missed it, head tilting may be hard- because it involves the vestibular sense- so you could try washing hair in the sink. (And then rest their head on a propped-up collander if they would feel more secure that way.)
24. Inflatable bath pillow
This is in the same vein as the last tip, but it might help your child feel more secure if they can lay down flat in an inch or two of water and have their head on a pillow while you wash their hair.
Bonus tips to make bath time fun!
25. Try a shower If bath time just isn’t working out, try giving your kid a shower!
Turn it on low water pressure and let the water fall down. A little ‘verbal judo’ (because with kids, it’s ALL about the marketing), and your child could play in a “waterfall” instead of having to take a bath.
26. Wear swim suits and make it a party!
This is more of a temporary solution, but if you can get your kid into the shower or tub, and help them have a positive association with it, I’d call that a win!
How to develop your own tactics to make bath time fun for your child
Any time you need a solution, it’s always critical to pinpoint the problem. Honestly, the best way to do that is to be a scientist and run mini science experiments on your kids. It’s WAY more harmless than it sounds. Just change one thing at a time, and watch for any differences.
Make notes as you go, and remember, even if you find that one change doesn’t work for your child, that’s still progress! Learning is always a step forward! And we all know that parenting isn’t easy. But through trial and error, you’ll find what works!
If you’re in need of more practical parenting tips, encouragement and support, make sure to sign up for the newsletter below.
Are there any alternatives to washing a kid’s mouth out with soap when they swear or use bad words?
Well, gosh, thanks for asking! Of course there are! As parents, we just need to get creative with the punishments we’re using when kids curse.
So, let me underscore this. You are better at parenting than to resort to an ‘easy’ tactic like washing a kid’s mouth out. It’s easy because it’s the gut reaction for you. Your kid swore at you. You’re a human- of course you’re upset!
But washing their mouth out with soap (or using hot sauce, or whatever spray) doesn’t teach the lesson not to swear. It teaches the lesson that you are still bigger and scarier and (for the time being) can physically overpower them.
So let’s find some alternatives to washing kid’s mouth out with soap; it’s dangerous, and it’s a gray area of child abuse. At best, it’s ineffective. At worst, it’s traumatic.
Keep reading after I give you some ideas about creative punishments for cursing because it’s also important to address swearing with prevention, and monitoring your reaction in the moment. But we’ll start with the consequences- because that’s what you’re here for!
5 Creative Punishments for Cursing
I want to give you a word of guidance about selecting a punishment for cursing for your child. The key to coming up with punishments or consequences is to find one that you can and will follow-through on. So, you need to find one that’s not a burden to you. If you find yourself reading through these thinking, “I’d never be able to get them to do that!” I would encourage you to keep looking and brainstorming until you can figure out what will work best for you.
1. Write a letter/poem/creative writing piece about the positive aspects about whatever they were swearing at
So, if they saying, “I f***ng hate school” then they’d need to write something about the positive aspects of school. This exercise will help them learn to see that there’s good in everything if you look hard enough.
2. Do something kind for that person, or a good deed for the day if it was general swearing
Why is using bad language such a problem in the first place? Partly, because it can be very hateful. This one is especially poignant for a kid who curses at you. If your son or daughter calls you a bitch, then they have to do something nice for you. It could be up to you to choose; if they’re old enough, they could make dinner that night. Or you could let them surprise you with something nice.
3. Have them brainstorm more creative non-swear words they could use next time
There’s a common belief that cussing indicates a person has a limited vocabularly, and limited intellect. This study put that to the test, and found reason to disagree with that long-held belief. But why use cuss words when there are excellent words like, “curmudgeon” “flibbertigibbet” and “abhor.”
4. Ask your kid what they would do/what consequence they think they might deserve
If you really want to watch your child squirm, this is the creative punishment for cursing you’ll want to use. Kids typically inflict a much stronger consequence on themselves than you would have. Which can leave you smelling like a rose if you impose a lesser punishment after their suggestion.
5. “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
You can lock down their email, social media, phone, etc. You may have to change the wifi password, or physically take their phone/tablet/computer for this. The point would be to remove the privilege of speaking to other people. Yes, this is pretty much like grounding, but the phrasing and reasoning sets the tone for the punishment to fit the crime a little better. Depending on the severity, you could choose for this to last for an afternoon, or a week. You’ve got the power!
6. Have them create something pretty
This ties in nicely with punishments 1 and 2. The other half of the problem with cussing is that it’s ugly and offensive (in addition to potentially being hateful.). We addressed the hate part by giving the consequence that your son or daughter practice kindness and learn to see the good in things. We’ll address the problem of swearing being ugly by requiring your kid to create something to beautify the space. Go with their strengths here- it could be a song, could be a craft, it could be cleaning or organizing. Use whatever particular skill set makes most sense.
Prevention: How To Stop Cussing Before It Starts
This, of course, is the gold standard- preventing the need to come up with creative consequences in the first place!! Here are a few quick tips.
Watch your own language.
Monitor your kid’s peers. Telling them they can’t be friends with Mason will probably backfire; but you can fill their time with other positive activities and people to limit the amount of time they can hang out with Mason.
Proactively discuss foul language with your kid. Giving them the time and space to ask questions about what words actually mean will take some of the mystique out of swearing. If they seem hesitant to start the conversation, dive in first and start with something on the tamer end. Like defining that the word ‘shit’ just means ‘poop.’ It might encourage them to open up if they see you discussing these words with a straight face.
Monitor their social/media intake. When your kid swears at you, your first reaction is usually anger. The second reaction is “I have NO idea where they learned that from!” And if you generally feel comfortable with friends and the people they’re around, you probably need to take a good look at what they’re watching. YouTube is a minefield, but so can anywhere your kid thinks they’re operating out of your view. Make sure you know what they’re up to online, and what they’re watching on TV.
Reacting to Your Kid Swearing
Stay calm
Reacting in a big way reinforces that this is a way for your kid to get attention. Whether it’s blowing your top, or giggling, this isn’t helpful if your aim is to stop your kid from swearing. The best thing to do is remain as neutral as possible while you tell them this isn’t okay.
Decide if cursing is something you want to punish
For some families, swearing isn’t a huge deal. And there’s an interesting argument that cursing is the last step to mastering a language. You might feel that this is developmentally appropriate, and just needs to be reined in. Maybe some places or words are OK in your family (see considerations for kids kids with ADHD, ODD, IED etc.) Figure out where you and your partner stand on this, and if this is a battle you want to fight.
Choose a punishment that fits the crime
When your kid cussed, was it experimentation? Does your kid actually know what the word means? Or, was the foul language meant to be hateful? Those are 3 different behaviors, and they need 3 different types of consequences.
(Everyone) calm down before enforcing any of the creative punishments for cursing.
Once your kid has their anger under control, the punishment will be more effective. And (bonus!) enforcing the consequence will be easier for you. Also, you’ll feel better knowing that you didn’t end up parenting out of anger, so you don’t have to go to bed tonight with a knot in your stomach!
This is probably the best thing you can do if you are trying to find alternatives to washing your kid’s mouth out with soap. Because, when you’re stressed and angry, cortisol floods your brain and you aren’t thinking clearly. But if you give yourself a chance to cool down you’ll be able to find a consequence for cussing that actually makes sense. The easiest way to accomplish this might be to send your kid to their room while everyone takes a beat.
Considerations for kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), ADHD, Autism and more
If your kid has ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, or any number of learning disabilities, mental illness or special needs you already know that the typical discipline ‘rules’ need a little tweaking to make sense in your family. So, here are some special considerations about implementing creative punishments for cursing
Avoid complicated rules about swearing. Generalization and learning social situations and impulse control is hard. Don’t over complicate it. You’re not being too strict of a parent if you tell a 12-year-old “no swearing, ever, anywhere.” You’re keeping the rules simple and easier to remember. You’re setting them up for success.
Monitoring their intake is even more important. If your kids don’t know bad words, then they can’t say them. But I know, that ship has already sailed if you’re here.
Teach kids to express anger in safe ways. Kids with ODD and IED are going to need a safe place to explode, so if you hear cussing while they’re in their room raging, it’s probably not worth the fight to address it.
Don’t give a consequence for something that happens during a rage if you can help it. Your kid was out of control when they were acting that way, so you’re better off dealing with the root cause of the meltdown than giving a punishment for swearing during it.
You may already know from experience that ADHD and foul language often go hand in hand. If you’re finding that your child is having a hard time controlling themselves and their language, I would recommend some additional reading on impulse control and self-control:
Which of the 6 Creative Punishments for Cursing Will You Use?
It’s always best to be prepared, so make sure to tuck away one (or two!) of these consequences for swearing in your back pocket for when you need it!
And make sure to sign up for the weekly newsletter so you don’t miss any of the useful and practical tips I share about parenting kids with challenging behaviors!
Use the Impulse Control Techniques PDF below to jump-start your kid’s self-control and impulse control skills!
Although kids with ADHD are most associated with having a lack of impulse control, (and for good reason- it’s a defining factor of the diagnosis!) ALL kids need to develop their impulse control ‘muscles.’
Impulse control isn’t something that comes naturally to many kids. And it’s something we are still working on as adults! (Think about the last time you walked past the candy jar. Or how many times you can go into Target and ONLY get the things on your list. I’m just saying, the struggle is real.)
If you’ve noticed that your kid tends to interrupt, has trouble listening to directions, or generally seems to act without thinking, these are all signs of under-developed impulse control. But it’s never too late to help your kids strengthen those impulse control muscles!
Try Out The Impulse Control Techniques PDF
This free printable is a great place to begin. You’ll get new ideas for impulse control activities for kids- that you can do today! And you’ll have a place where both you and your kid can learn about how to recognize and label the feeling of impulsivity. That’s a critical step in learning to control impulses
How to Use the “Impulse Control Techniques PDF”
You’ll notice there are 2 sections to this printable. The technique we’re using here is stunningly simple, but so effective. First, identify the problem. Second, put actions in to place to improve the problem. So let’s briefly go over each step!
1. Label and Recognize the Feelings
The first step here is to call-out and label what impulse control looks like in your kid’s life. By recognizing times when they are good at resisting impulses, and times that they are not, you can help identify their strengths and then carry those throughout the rest of their day.
2. Activities to Build Stronger Impulse Control Muscles
Now that they know what that impulsive feeling is, you’ll need to help your kid strengthen their impulse control muscles. Your kid needs a chance to slowly build up these skills. It’s not a light switch; self-regulation and self-control takes time to improve. But you can have fun getting there with these impulse control activities for kids!
Further Reading
You might want to check out these other articles about impulse control, ADHD, and ways to make this challenging parenting journey a little more fun!
If you’ve been concerned about your kid’s impulse control, try starting with the activities on this impulse control printable. Get your FREE download by using the sign-up form below.
Impulse Control Games You’ll Want To Play With Your Kid
Disclaimer- I am a member of the Amazon affiliates program. Should you make a purchase, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you.
HOW DO YOU HELP A CHILD WITH IMPULSE CONTROL?
If you really want to make a dramatic impact on your kid’s ability for impulse control, it’s something you’re going to need to work on every day.
But, a kid’s job is to play. Working on their ‘stuff’ should never feel like work. If it does, you’re doing it wrong.
So to help with that, I’ve compiled a list of board games to help keep it fun. There are some classics, but there are also some I promise you haven’t heard of before!
Incorporating Impulse Control Games Into Your Life
Here are some great ways to seamlessly incorporate these games into your life. After all, if won’t do you any good if your kids are suspicious about why you’re suddenly shoving board games in their face.
1. Add It to Your Game Rotation
If you’re already a board game type family, this should come easily! Just swap out a few games you’re already playing. Or add a few of these to your rotation of favorites.
2. Family Game Night
If you’re not big on board games in your house, try implementing a family game night. You could have Friday Family Funday! Not only is the alliteration great, it’s helpful to already have a plan for Friday night since you’ll probably be exhausted from the week. (I know I am!) Throw in a frozen pizza or two, and bam! A new family ritual is born!
3. Alternative to Screen-Time
You can also use these games an alternative to screens. Many of these games won’t require parental involvement after the first round or two (although that probably won’t stop your kids from asking you to play non-stop!). That makes it the perfect alternative to suggest when your kid’s ask if they can turn on the tv or tablet. Some of these would make a good quiet-time activity, too, if you still have little ones who nap during the day.
4. Get Kids Moving On A Rainy Day
Lastly, some of these impulse control games will get your kid up and moving- in a controlled way. It’s ideal for rainy days, days when you’re stuck inside, or maybe the entire winter season!
What Makes It An Impulse Control Game?
In order to call it an “impulse control game” (a category I might have just invented!), I’m looking for something that will give your kid that tiny moment of frustration. But the game needs to balance that with being so much fun that your kid actually wants to take that deep breath and continue.
Alternatively, it could be something that strengthens their endurance for attention (here’s looking at you, puzzles and Taco, Cat, Goat, Cheese, Pizza). Or something that makes them maintain control of their bodies (like Bounce-off and Twister). I’m not necessarily looking for it to be a learning game full of strategy and decision-making.
Games that can help kids improve their impulse control and self-control
Operation is one of those classic games that hits that sweet spot of being fun and exciting, but will force your kid to take a deep breath to steady their body if they want to avoid setting off the buzzer! If you really want to kick this up a notch, to your kids, pick-up a version that speaks to their special interest. There are options, like a Chewbacca/Star Wars, Trolls, and even Despicable Me!
This is another great classic game that requires full-body control! It’s also a great winter/rainy day game because it’ll help their need for movement! Kids under the age of 6 could probably play the game if you were flexible about their ability to actually reach their body across the board.
Jenga is the last impulse control game in the classics category. Don’t let the simplicity of the game fool you into thinking it can’t teach impulse control! Part of it’s beauty is how easy the rules are to follow, so your kid can focus on trying to not knock the tower over. For a bonus, you need to perform two controlled movements- one to remove the block and one to replace the block- per turn. Perfect for teaching self-regulation!
Silly Street is for ages 4 and up. It’s a blast to play, with lots of silly shenanigans for even the youngest player. I think you could definitely have fun with this one, even with younger siblings, though. On vacation, we even had a 2-year-old join in (on a kid-parent team; but still!).
It’s positives are that it’s a straightforward game to play, it doesn’t last forever! It’s a great game for impulse control because kids have to wait for their turn to come back around, and they may get cards they don’t like, etc. It also helps develop focus because you need to pay attention- but it’s so fun your kid’s won’t even notice their gaining some awesome skills!
This game is a blast for the family. It’s essentially a building game, where you use cards to build up a tower so that the very brave and heroic rhinos can climb up! It’s great for kids with ADHD (and even kids who struggle with their sense of proprioception) because it requires body control, dexterity and spatial awareness. It’s also the winner of the Major Fun! Award, the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval, and the PTPA (Parent Tested – Parent Approved)!
Magic Labyrinth is a magical board game that elementary AND middle schoolers will love. There are varying levels of difficulty, which makes it versatile enough for the whole family to enjoy. The goal is to collect objects while going through a hidden maze. It’s the perfect game for impulse control because kids have to slow down since their memory will be tested in this game. Dealing with (literal) obstacles in their way is a nice challenge, too!
Qwirkle is an awesome game for developing impulse control! Even though it’s playable for younger kids, the strategy and skill make it (in my opinion) more fun to play for older kids. It promotes flexible thinking, future planning, and adjusting on the fly (like if someone ‘steals’ the move they planned). A great skill set for ANYONE to learn!
Bounce-Off is a combo of ping pong and Connect 4. It’s lots of fun, and they won’t even notice the effort they’re putting in to control their bodies to give the ball a controlled bounce. This game is about skill instead of strategy, so it puts parents and kids on a fairly even playing field. Bounce-Off gets everyone up and moving, so it might be a good game for the kid who doesn’t like board games. It’s also a great party game that even your older middle schoolers and high schoolers will enjoy playing with their friends!
Suspend requires LOTS of body control. The rules are simple, but the technique is tricky! You have to keep placing the bent (rubber-tipped) wires on the structure, without knocking it all over! Perfect for kids with ADHD since it’ll help develop their strategic thinking, hand-eye coordination, and logic. There’s even a Junior version for ages 4+ if your younger kids are intrigued by it!
Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza, by DolphinHat Games. Ages 8+
Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza isn’t a new, weird flavor of pizza; it’s a hilarious and fast-paced card game! There’s so much movement and action that your kid won’t even notice that they’re mastering their impulses on every turn. (Seriously, it’s harder than you think to identify a taco when someone tells you with conviction that it’s a goat! I dare you not to flinch!) Bonus: It’s a quick game, so you won’t be stuck playing it forever. And it’s tons of fun for adults, too!
Puzzles deserve to be their own category. There are so many different levels of puzzles, so it’s a good option for all ages. And they offer so many benefits!
They promote visual motor planning, concentration, attention to detail, and can even help with centering yourself and calming down!
Then the sky’s the limit! 500 piece puzzles (or larger) are great for families to work on together and come back to. Or even if you want to set it up as an ongoing project- I know several families that love to have a puzzle going during the winter months, especially. Just grab a puzzle mat or card table and you’re good to go!
Bonus: Make Up Your Own Game
You can even encourage your kids to create their own board game for family game night! Give them some poster board and art supplies and watch their creativity flow!
Impulse Control Games for the Win!
There are so many board games that will help develop better impulse control in your kid! From the classics, to ones for preschoolers, all the way to high schoolers. Board games don’t have to be tedious anymore!
Commit to helping your kid, and commit to making it fun! How will you- routinely- incorporate games to help impulse control into your life? Which one sounded like the most fun? If you have other suggestions for games that have worked for your family, share your ideas in the comment section!
It’s been getting worse. Every day is a ‘bad day’ now. And it’s exhausting.
You monitor behaviors. You follow the direction of all the therapists and doctors. Meds are never missed. But something is still off.
You love your kid. But they’re a puzzle to figure out. A solution can work one day, and cause a fit the next. Your head is swimming trying to remember everything you’ve done before to see if it was successful, or if you could tweak it somehow.
And it’s all coming at you so fast right now. You can hardly deal with one crisis before the next one comes banging down your door. You’re not even getting a chance to take a breather. Let alone time to think!
What if it’s not getting better because you’re treating the wrong thing?
ADHD And Sensory Processing Disorder
If you’ve been treating your kid for ADHD, but not getting much traction, you owe it to yourself to learn more about Sensory Processing Disorder. Specifically, sensory seeking behavior.
ADHD and Sensory seeking can look very similar. They share some of the same behaviors. And there is even a huge amount of overlap of people who have both ADHD and sensory issues.
Is ADHD a sensory disorder?
The short answer is no. But there’s a lot of overlap between the two, so it’s easy to see why you may think that. They are two separate entities, though. So, let’s start by clarifying the two things.
ADHD is a mental health disorder. It’s caused by imbalances in the brain. It is recognized by most psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists as a mental illness, and can be treated by both medication and talk therapy.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is a neurological disorder. It is not in the current diagnostic manual (DSM 5) for mental health professionals, and therefore they generally would not be able to accurately identify or diagnose SPD.
Research has not determined the exact cause of SPD. The current understanding is that the brain has trouble processing sensory input from a person’s environment. It can be either over, or under, responsive. And this is how you end up with people who are either sensory-avoiding or sensory-seeking.
Although these are distinct diagnosis, and each has unique defining characteristics, there IS a large percentage of people with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder.
Common Symptoms of ADHD
Since people tend to be more familiar with ADHD, they tend to think they’re also familiar with what it looks like and the associated behaviors.
But that can be dangerous! You can see the danger when teachers, other parents, and even just people on the street may try to diagnose your kid based on one or two classic symptoms.
So here is a list of some of the classic behaviors you would see in a kid with ADHD. For a complete list, grab the printable.
Symptoms of ADHD in Kids
• Rushes through work and make careless mistakes
• Will not pay attention to detail, or only listens to the first half of the directions
• Will start ‘fun’ tasks but has trouble finishing them
• Doesn’t want to do tasks that require lots of trying, or ‘sustained mental effort’
• Has poor time management skills; over or underestimates how much time it takes to do something or get somewhere, or doesn’t have a good sense of what time it actually is.
• Has challenges with sequential activities, or knowing what to do next, even with daily routines
• Doesn’t appear to be listening, even if you’re talking directly to them
• Mind wanders freely and easily
*Make sure to grab this printable checklist for Sensory Processing Disorder! That way you can take your time to think it over and observe your child in a new context!
What does it mean to have sensory issues?
It just means that a person has trouble processing one or more of their senses. They’re either under-stimulated by their senses, and seeking more input. (Another, less discussed option is that they’re oversensitive to certain senses and feeling overwhelmed by the input.)
One of the easiest ways to think of SPD is on a spectrum. Sensory avoiding would be on one far end, and sensory seeking would be on the other end. Sensory balance would be the center point.
Note- I’m not an OT, so this is a super-simplified explanation
Everyone in the world needs to process sensory information, so everyone is somewhere on this continuum. When someone struggles to process all their sensory input, that means they have “sensory issues.” You’ll often hear people say they (or their kid) have sensory problems or sensory issues. Usually, this is because A) it’s easier to discuss without sounding medical, or B) because their child hasn’t received the full diagnosis of SPD.
What are the types of sensory disorders?
While there aren’t different types of sensory disorders, people may have challenges with any of their seven senses. WHAT?! 7?! Yup- I typed that correctly!
Most people are already very familiar with the first 5 senses- sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. But there are 2 MORE!
• Vestibular– This sense deals with movement and balance.
• Proprioceptive– This is about where your body awareness and where you are in space.
And then you throw into the mix whether your kid is sensory seeking or sensory avoiding.
• Sensory Seeking– These kids are under-stimulated by the senses. They appear to always crave MORE. More movement, more noise, more things to chew on, more spinning, more touching (or just plain old crashing).
• Sensory Avoiding– They are over-stimulated by the senses around them. These are kids who appear to try and block things out. They may put their hands over their ears, or complain about brightness, or avoid swings and slides.
• Sensory Disregarder– There is also the possibility that your kid is under-responsive to sensations. It sounds similar to sensory seeking, but is a separate category although it’s not talked about nearly as much. These are kids who don’t seem to respond to their sensory environment. They may look “clumsy” or “slumpy” or withdrawn.
So, there is only one Sensory Processing Disorder, but it could appear in many, many ways. You could have any combination of seeking, avoiding, or disregarding with any of the 7 senses.
Can a child be sensory seeking and avoiding?
Yes! Of course! Is anything with your kid straight-forward?! Sorry to let you know, but that trend isn’t going to change now!
Kids can process each of their senses in different ways, so it’s completely possible for them to be a Seeker and Avoider.
For example, a kid might be easily overstimulated by light but under-stimulated by their vestibular system. It is possible for a kid to have different responses to different senses. AND, fun fact, it’s totally possible for a kid to be averse to sounds, but still be the loudest kid you know.
Sensory Seeking vs. ADHD
I have a comprehensive printable Sensory Processing Disorder checklist that you can use to check out which senses your kid may need more- or less- of! And, bonus, I’ve included the checklist of ADHD symptoms so you can compare!
Remember, you can’t fix what you don’t understand.
You’ll get a good idea of different signs of sensory issues, and if your kid is showing sensory seeking behaviors and/or ADHD. I’ve included different ideas for both seeking and avoiding behaviors for the 7 senses.
Personally, I didn’t see the sensory issues in my kids until I saw them listed out in front of my face. Maybe you don’t need to be hit over the head with things (like me!) but I would definitely encourage you to take a look! In any case, it’s nice to rule something out.
Can Sensory Processing Disorder Be Outgrown?
No. But I totally get why this is an enduring myth. I mean, you don’t see many adults walking around having sensory melt-downs because their tag is itchy or the sun is too bright or the music in the car is too loud. But that’s because- over the decades- we’ve learned our triggers and have developed coping mechanisms.
For example, most adults buy their own clothes. If you go into a store and try on a shirt, and you can’t stop the weird shimmying because it feels itchy and wrong to you, then you just don’t buy it. No one asks you to wear that shirt every Tuesday.
And there are a million tiny coping mechanisms like that that adults do every day. People put earbuds in at work to drown out the buzzing of the lights or the printer. They stash sunglasses in every purse, diaper bag and nook of their car. They simply don’t eat foods they don’t like. Remember, everyone is somewhere on that sensory continuum.
So with treatment and time, it IS possible to learn to cope with sensory problems.
What is the Treatment for Sensory Processing Disorder?
The most common treatment for toddlers and kids with SPD is to work with an Occupational Therapist (OT). They will do an assessment to develop a sensory profile of your child. Then they can work with them to address their sensory needs and develop coping skills.
The OT may do Sensory Integration Therapy with your kid to help organize their brain with the sensory input they receive. Or they may work on desensitization. Desensitization can be a great tool for sensory, and help kids build up tolerance, especially for their ‘smaller’ challenges. A good OT will also work with you to develop coping skills your kid can use in their daily life. They’ll work with you so you can help your kid implement those coping skills into their actual lives. (Because real life is waaay different than the nice controlled therapy setting.)
They may also recommend a “sensory diet.”
What Is a Sensory Diet?
Very generally, a sensory diet is the plan you develop, possibly in conjunction with your OT, to help address your child’s sensory needs each day. It may involve providing chances for your child to explore new sensations in a sensory bin, to help desensitize their sense of touch. Or it may involve satisfying their vestibular needs with activities like swinging and spinning. The plans can range from simple to fairly complicated.
Can Sensory and ADHD Affect Each Other?
A recent study from the University of Colorado suggests that up to 40% of kids with ADHD also have sensory issues. This is a very high level of co-occurence, but so far researchers have not been able to definitively explain why these 2 disorders go hand in hand so often.
Can ADHD Cause Sensory Issues?
Technically, no. But they can definitely exacerbate each other. The lack of impulse control can become even more apparent, and it’s possible to see kids respond to their sensory needs at an even lower threshold than they otherwise might have.
To complicate the issue, many of the symptoms of sensory processing can masquerade as ADHD. When a kid hits their sensory threshold and ventures into sensory overload, they can often become impulsive, or even aggressive, because of this innate, deep desire to find balance in their world.
Sensory Overload and ADHD
What Is Sensory Overload? Is Sensory Overload A Symptom of ADHD?
Sensory overload is when a person reaches the point when they are overstimulated by their surroundings. When I was trying to explain this to my son I used the analogy of a jar of pebbles or rocks. (We were -unsuccessfully- trying to force a flower bulb at that time, and conveniently had a mason jar of pebbles on our table.)
So, imagine that everyone has a mason jar for their sensory needs. When they wake up, it tends to be pretty well balanced. But (in our case, I was talking about an avoider) throughout the day, each little sensory challenge adds up and causes more rocks to be put in. Each little tag being weird, or the sun’s brightness, or kids being too loud at school adds rocks to their jar. And different events can add different amounts of rocks.
If they’re given a chance to find some balance afterwards, then it’s also possible for the rocks to be removed from the jar. (This is why you would want to consider putting a sensory solution into your child’s behavior plan or IEP at school.)
Most often though, kids end up accumulating these rocks, and filling up waaaaaaay faster than they can respond. And when they’re full, it’s called sensory overload.
What’s a Sensory Threshold?
Now imagine that most kids walk around with a generic sized 1-quart mason jar. They have a typical sensory threshold. Kids with sensory processing issues tend to have jars that are sized differently. A sensory avoider may have a little tiny jam jar. It may only take a small handful of rocks for them to reach their sensory threshold and venture into sensory overload- and sensory meltdown- territory.
A kid who is sensory seeking may have a giant 2-quart jar. With a lonely little pebble rattling around inside of it. And that kid is desperately seeking to fill his jar at least half-way.
Everyone one of us has a different sensory threshold.
The nice thing about kids is that, if you pay attention to their behavior, they’ll tell you when they’ve reached their limit!
So How Can I Help My Child With Sensory Issues?
The best way to help your kid is to get them into therapy, work with their school, and provide opportunities at home to support them. Explain what’s going on to them if they’re old/mature enough to understand. Personally, I’ve found that just understanding these behaviors through the lens of sensory -and not because they’re trying to deliberately be bad- is incredibly helpful.
If you’d like to take things into your own hands, I have to recommend Sensory Solutions free online workshop. (*Affiliate link- although I would never recommend something I don’t personally believe in!) Thousands of parents have gained amazing insight into their kid’s behavior, which is so valuable for supporting and then helping them.
Does My child Have Sensory Issues or ADHD?
Start with downloading the “Sensory or ADHD Behaviors” handout. If you have any concerns after reading through that, you may want to schedule an appointment with a mental health therapist and/or an OT. Even if you’re not sure, I always recommend getting the input from professionals. Even just ruling things out can be great.
Dealing With People Who Don’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real
The Excruciating Pain of someone Else’s Denial
“Autism isn’t real; it’s just a made-up diagnosis by the anti-vaxxers.”
“Kids don’t get depression; your kid is just being a brat.”
“Why don’t you actually discipline your kid? Then they wouldn’t be so hyper.”
“Sensory Processing Disorder is just an excuse for your bad parenting.”
I feel physically sick just reading that; do you? Has one of those lines, or something like it every been thrown carelessly at you? One of the most emotionally painful things someone can do to us is to discredit our journey. Having someone sweep your child’s condition under the rug, or even worse, lay the blame at your feet is hurtful.
And if the person discrediting your kid’s condition is someone you love? It’s downright excruciating.
Why Don’t People Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?!
Unfortunately, not everyone will agree that your child’s condition is a ‘real thing.’ There is still such stigma that there are some people who believe mental health problems are just someone being weak or undisciplined. Same with autism, sensory processing disorder, and more!
Maybe they don’t believe the research, or have seen the research and think it’s funded by biased parties. It’s possible that this person thinks ADHD, for example, can be a real condition, but your kid doesn’t have it.
When someone doesn’t believe our kid’s diagnosis is real, it’s painful. Because it means they don’t support us. And when you’re raising a challenging kid, you need all the support you can get!
To add to that, when our kids’ behaviors aren’t being explained by a diagnosis, it means that the person is viewing their problem behaviors through the lens of discipline, or parenting, or brattiness. And that usually means that it’s the parent’s ‘fault.’ Ouch.
If you’ve had someone say these things to you, it can leave you shaking with a mother’s fury for a week. Or it can cause knee-jerk reactions where you say one of those things you immediately wish you could stuff back into your mouth.
So How Do You Deal With It?
First, you need to establish, “Is it worth it to engage with this person?” Ask yourself, does it affect my child that this person doesn’t buy-in to their diagnosis. If it’s your co-worker, probably not. If it’s their dad, definitely.
If you’re not sure, let me ask this another way. Is this about you? Or is it about your kid? Are you personally hurt by this person’s views, or is it preventing your kid from getting the treatment they need? Why does this person’s buy-in matter?
I’m not saying that in a ‘no one else’s opinion should matter’ sort of way. I’m asking you a real question. There are plenty of reasons that this person’s opinion DOES matter.
How To Figure Out If Their Opinion Matters
For example, if your sister-in-law thinks ADHD is fake, then she is going to have a lot less tolerance for your son’s behavior- and your parenting. She may even try and take it upon herself to discipline your son in a way that’s counter-productive to what you’re trying to do. And (not so) eventually, you’re probably not going to feel very welcome in her house. Family gatherings just got a lot more awkward. In this case, it might be a good idea to engage at least enough to keep the peace.
Continuing with that example, there are also plenty of reasons your sister-in-law’s opinion DOESN’T matter. As long as she behaves civilly and kindly towards you, your kid, and family, then it may not be worth it to engage. Unless you have one of those best-friend/sister-in-law combo packs, it doesn’t matter if she disagrees with the course of treatment, or the IEP goals, or what steps you’re taking to manage behavior in your house. You and your partner get to make those decisions. No one else. You two are the ones who have to sleep at night with the decisions you’ve made.
Advocacy
Now, lest (that word doesn’t get used often enough!) you think I live in a world that’s black and white, there can be valid reasons to engage with someone whose opinion doesn’t matter. The main reason would be for advocacy’s sake. If advocacy is an important value to you, you’re probably sitting there reading this thinking, “But I want to give them the information and open their mind so this isn’t so hurtful to the next person!” If so, YOU are an advocate.
If you’re an advocate, I still want you to be cautious of a few things, in the interest of self-preservation. Where are you on this journey? Are you to a place where you can handle rejection, even after presenting well-planned information, and not take it personally? Consider what level you can engage in with this person that doesn’t burn you out? Your most important job is to leave enough in your reserves that you’re still able to go back and care for your kid in the best way you are able.
At this point, you should have been able to make a decision about whether it’s worth it to engage this person, or not.
Choosing Your Approach to Informing Why This Diagnosis Is Real
So you’ve decided that it’s worth it to engage with this person. Just for the sake of using an example, let’s say this person is your mother-in-law who also watches your kids after school once a week.
Now you have to choose your approach.
1. Agree to disagree
You can agree to disagree about the technicalities of the diagnosis or condition. But you cannot deny the symptoms. Find some common ground. Point out the symptoms that concern you; your mother-in-law is probably seeing the same things. If your son has depression, he may have stopped coming home from school and shooting hoops for a half hour before he comes in for a snack. He may be going straight to his room and sleeping. And, he may be extra difficult to engage.
It’s possible that your mother-in-law saw all those symptoms, but attributed them to other things. “Oh, he’s just going through a growth spurt,” or “The weather’s been bad so he can’t play outside.” But you could still present to her the way you would like to address those symptoms. Maybe you’re taking walks after school, without talking so there’s no pressure, just to make sure that your son is getting some physical movement (which can be very helpful for people with depression). Hopefully, your mother-in-law would be able to get on board with taking walks. Sure, you may have different reasons, but your responses are the same.
2. Present the facts
NOTE– I did NOT say convince them. Changing their mind is their own journey, and is out of your control. You can only present the facts in an unbiased way. This is CRUCIAL to remember!
If you choose to engage your mother-in-law, for example, you can opt to present just the facts to her. See if you can figure out from your previous conversations where her knowledge gap is missing, or what types of facts will have the most effect on her.
• Lean on the Doctors
If you know your mother-in-law respects medical professionals, this would also be an optimal way to start. For instance, if she’s never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder, you could give her a summation of the condition by starting with, “My doctor explained it to me like this.”
• Work with The Obvious Symptoms
But maybe she’s skeptical of doctors. If that’s the case, you might want to focus on the obvious cluster of symptoms your kid displays. You could say something like, “Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder often are super sensitive to how clothing feels, louder noises, how food feels in their mouth, and sensations like swinging and spinning. There is just a disconnect between their brain being able to process what their body is feeling, and so everything ends up feeling and seeming exaggerated.” Give her the symptoms that she can’t help but think, “Oh yeeaah, Ethan totally did that last week!” The goal is to connect the dots for her in a way she just can’t miss.
• Start with the end in mind
To borrow a phrase from Stephen Covey, you could start with the end in mind. Work with your mother-in-law and explain that you’re seeking this diagnosis, or these interventions, because you want the best for your kid in adulthood. You recognize the power in early intervention! As they say, “early diagnosis leads to timely intervention and timely intervention leads to better outcomes.”
On average, it takes 8-10 years from the time symptoms first appear to the time kid’s get mental health treatment. There are a million reasons for this, but mainly, this happens because a) finding appropriate treatment can be hard; b) actually taking your kid for treatment requires lots of coordination with schedules, etc.; and c) parents don’t have the support they need to be able to pull it off. Help your mother-in-law see that she could help your kid beat the statistics, and set them up for future success, by being supportive.
• Provide The Facts About Why The Diagnosis Is Real In Writing
The last option to explore would be printing off information from a trusted source (to your mother-in-law). I know a lot of people are tempted to just slip it in a purse, or ‘sneakily’ leave it laying out somewhere she’ll definitely see it. But I don’t like those methods for a few reasons.
First, because there’s nothing sneaky about it! She is abundantly aware this is you. Who else is going to leave reading material about Sensory Processing Disorder or ADHD or Autism just laying around?!
Second, because it comes off as passive-aggressive. Which could have the opposite affect on her that you’re trying for. So, when she sees the paper, instead of being receptive to the information, she’ll be put off by your behavior and potentially become more blocked to even reading it.
The more helpful approach to printing off the facts is to just be up-front about it. Maybe next time she’s at your house, and she’s on her way out the door, you can just casually say, “Oh, I almost forgot. I found some new information about Sensory Processing Disorder. I would mean a lot to me, and Ethan, if you could read this when you get a chance.” Be careful NOT to phrase this as a question. Like, “Would you mind reading it?” That way she’s less likely to shoot you down right then and there.
3. Address the fears
If it’s someone who loves your child who is dismissing their condition, they may be resisting the condition or diagnosis out of denial.
The good news is that this denial could be based in love and fear. It’s because they have an inkling (or maybe even full knowledge!) of what it would mean for their child to have this disease. And because they love your kid, they want to do everything they can to protect them. Including, making sure they don’t carry around that sort of life-long diagnosis.
Hey, no one ever said love was logical.
This would be a great opportunity to step in to their shoes. Treat them with love, and share your own story of how hard it is for you. And help this other person see that you are accepting the diagnosis because you love your child, and want them to be able to get help.
• What If Dad Doesn’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?
Let’s switch trains of thought, and say the person you’re working to persuade is your kid’s dad. Just like you, Dad has to work through that grieving process.
So, ask what his fears are. If possible, find examples of adults who have lived with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Depression, and so on, and show him how successful these people can be in different areas of life. Or maybe there’s a support group in your area he would want to join? You know this is a painful process; you’ve been here. So meet him where he’s at.
4. Cultural Barriers
It could be that there are cultural barriers. Cultural barriers are often related to myths and stigmas of the diagnosis, which are usually based in fear. I find that the best way to combat fear is with knowledge, presented in a loving way. Showing people all the ways they’ve been wrong their whole life isn’t a winning strategy. So no matter how much it pains you, go slow if you’re working with someone in this category.
Convincing People The Diagnosis is Real
No one has ever had their mind changed by someone screaming at them. By creating a plan, you won’t have to respond reactively anymore! And, you’ll know that you have done what you can, for the greatest benefit of your kid.
Either you have chosen not to engage, and saved your energy and resources for yourself, your family and your kid. Or you have chosen to try and present the facts. You could appeal to them logically, using authorities like doctors to support you. If you’re not a fan of conflict, sharing the facts in writing for that person to read at a later time might be the best option for you.
Meeting someone where they’re at, in all their pain, is incredibly challenging. But maybe that’s what’s being asked of you. You may have to really put in some wok for both you, and your kid, to get the support you need.
Whatever the outcome, by creating a plan you will know you have done the best you can. Your job is over, and now it’s on that person to expand their mind.
Have you personally dealt with people who don’t believe your kid’s diagnosis is real? How did you respond? Share your story in the comments below!
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
How To Use Special Interests To Love A Challenging Child
Obsession. Preoccupation. Fanaticism. Fixation.
These are probably some of the words you’d use to describe your kid’s intense special interest. Maybe you’d even include words like ‘odd’ or ‘irritating.’
My guess is that words about love and communication most likely weren’t on the list. And most of us have felt that crazy desire to scrape our own ear drums out with a spork if we have to hear one. more. thing. about trains/dinosaurs/sports stats/Mickey/fill-in-your-own-version-of-Hades-here.
But, we can flip the script, here! If your kid has an intense special interest, instead of it being something that drives your crazy, you have a unique opportunity to speak love to them!
What Are Special Interests?
All kids (and adults!) have different topics of interest that appeal to them. But some kids, especially those with ADHD, Autism and/or giftedness, develop an intense focus on a special interest. They truly deep dive in those areas.
A ‘special interest’ is exactly that. It’s a topic that someone is deeply interested in, and is incredibly meaningful to them. They may appear to have ‘superpowers’ with this special interest. Like being able to focus on it for an incredible amount of time, (people use phrases like “getting lost in it”) even when their ability to focus is limited in general. They may remember seemingly trivial details, like a specific part number, or a score from a game that happened years ago.
Another way to differentiate a special interest from a general topic of interest is that there tends to only be one (maaaaybe 2) special interest at a time. Common special interests can be:
Transportation- like cars, trains, planes, etc
Pets or animals
Sports facts
Computer games
Series (books or shows)
And so many more!
Special Interests In Childhood
When one of my boys was younger, he became incredibly fixated on trains. He focused on trains for so long and in such detail that I began to worry he would never want to learn about anything else! I was concerned he wouldn’t want to interact about anything else. Basically, I was terrified he was limiting himself, and wouldn’t experience the full human range of experiences.
Then my husband showed me this YouTube video where a grown man absolutely loses his mind when a (very specific) train went by. And all I could think was how lucky I, or my son, would be to be that enthusiastic about anything. That was the moment when I decided to just let him and his trains be.
So I took a deep breath, and repeated to myself “Everything was going to be ok.”
Special Interests As Kids Grow
One great way to ease some of your fears about how life will turn out for your kids is to look at their older peers. Seeing other people’s experiences with their special interests is a really helpful way to see the trajectory for your kiddo. For example, this woman talks about her experience with her “specialized interests.” I love how she describes them as recharging and comforting. These areas of specialized interest are so important to some people, it’s like an extension of themselves.
Another thing to know about special interests is that this is going to be an enduring and life-long personality trait. Your child will always be a person who ‘deep dives’ into different areas, even though the topic may change throughout their life.
It may also help you to know that many kids who develop intense special interests are able to take one of the more pervasive or enduring ones and turn it into a career. A good example is a kid who’s always been interested in mechanics. Maybe they have taken apart and repaired more items in your house than you care to count. They may be able to turn that love and interest into a career as an engineer, or an inventor, or an electrician! The possibilities are endless!
Love Languages
Let’s segue to a completely new topic! Love languages!
The idea behind love languages is that everyone ‘hears’ and ‘speaks’ love differently. The best way to communicate with anyone is in their first language, and it’s the same with love.
Gary Chapman is the original author of the “Five Love Languages.” And he proposes that there are 5 languages of love. They are; words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. If you’ve ever had someone say to you, “Saying ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough for me to feel connected to you,” then you’ve experienced this idea first hand.
If you’re interested, you can use this fun online quiz to see what your child’s love language is. (I highly recommend it!) The quiz was designed for kids 9 and older, because younger kids tend to speak all the languages before narrowing down their focus to just one or two. But they will eventually develop one (or more!) language that speaks the loudest to them.
(These are affiliate links. There is no additional cost to you, but a small portion of your purchase goes towards running this site.)
Work Smarter Not Harder
To give your parental love the biggest bang for it’s buck, it will help if you speak your kid’s love language. You can save a lot of time and energy by doing this! If you know your kid doesn’t speak the language of acts of service, you can reduce the amount of time and energy you spend on doing things in that category, and instead focus your time on their primary language.
And this is where the special interest comes back in. Engaging with your child about their intense special interest is one of the most effective ways to show your love. If your kid feels their area of specialized interest is an extension of themselves, and then you show that you’re interested and engaged with it, you’re showing love to a very important part of your child. (If I had a dry erase board in front of me, I’d draw an awful illustration to help demonstrate this!)
Speaking Love Via Special Interests
You can speak all five love languages to your kid via their area of interest. Let me show you. I’ll use trains as the example, since they’re such a common special interest.
Gifts– You could give (parts of) train sets, or even just go to the library and pick up a new book or two about trains for them.
Quality Time– You can go to a train show with them.
Touch– Try sitting right next to them while they’re playing or reading about trains.
Acts of Service- You could help them organize their train sets or books; you could assist with a chore so they’ll have more time to spend on trains.
Words of Affirmation– Listen to them talk about trains, and genuinely respond with encouraging and positive words. Ask questions. Let them know you’re interested in them by engaging with their knowledge and love of trains.
Creating a Bond That Lasts
Connecting with your kid over their area of interest helps them know you are interested in them; they feel loved because you are involved. Sometimes, kids with ADHD, Autism, or giftedness can be hard to love. Their behaviors and personalities can be a bit…idiosyncratic. So, it’s critical they receive (and feel!) your unconditional love. The need for love is a massive human drive. Every person on Earth wants to be loved and know they are worthy of love.
The impact of kids knowing they are unconditionally loved cannot be understated. When a kid knows they are loved, unconditionally, their subconscious thought process will be able to say things like, “I know I am loved, so I am loveable.”
It gives your kid self-worth to know that you love them, and find them interesting. Your love for them, shown by your engagement with your kid’s special interest, may not be a magic bullet that prevents all harm from coming to your child. But it does give them a very strong shield to protect themselves with.
The Wrap Up
At first, it may not seem like your kid’s intense focus on their special interest has anything to do with them feeling loved. But if we start to see their special interest as almost an extension of themselves, it becomes clearer that we need to extend our love for them to include that part of themselves.
Their special interest is a part of them. It fulfills the need for comfort, exploration and order. It also presents an amazing opportunity for you to be able to speak your child’s love language in a way that they will hear the best.
I understand- I’ve been there. It can be SO draining to engage in those areas of interest, because it’s painfully repetitive to us as their parents. But every tiny detail is a new nuance to them that is fascinating and intriguing. You’ll find that if you can move past your own personal lack of enthusiasm for their special interest, you’ll be able to engage with your kid on a whole new level.
So how are you going to combine your kid’s love language and special interest? Let me know in the comments below!
It took me 2 years to say the words, “I have a kid with special needs.*”
2 years with surgeries, and consults, and waiting, and filling out every developmental checklist people would send me. 2 years filled with OT, PT, speech therapy; with in-home therapy, with IEP meetings, with requests for re-evaluation, with special needs transportation to school.
Avoiding the ‘Special Needs’ Label
You’d think with all that staring me in the face on a daily basis, it would be hard to dance around the phrase, “special needs.” And you’d be right.
I did consider it frequently. (What can I say? Denial is powerful.) But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about other kids I would see at the therapy office. There were kids who were non-verbal, or were using walkers; kids with more significant challenges than my son. Surely, no one would argue that they had special needs. But I was always left searching myself for the answer to the question, “Does my son belong in the same category?” He doesn’t have the most severe ‘issues’ you’ve ever seen. But he’s also not typical.
Somehow, in my mind, giving him the distinction of special needs took away from the kids with more severe disabilities than his. I had a taste of the extra challenges he faced because of his differences, and understood that bigger differences meant bigger challenges. And I felt like labeling him ‘special needs’ would minimize the work and effort of kids (and their parents!) with more significant disabilities.
Living In A Gray Area of Special Needs
Because my son doesn’t look different, it felt like we were living in the shadow world of disabilities. It was like we didn’t fit in anywhere. There were times when I felt embarrassed to be asking for services for him, because I assumed people thought I was just some hypochondriac parent. It’s not easy to advocate for your kid when you are your own biggest obstacle.
But I also experienced the challenges of trying to help him fit in with kids his age who were typically developing. I felt that I had to be extra vigilant during play groups. Things like story time at the library or swim lessons were hard to take him to, because they were categorized by age. Which meant they expected him to behave in a way he wasn’t capable of, yet. And finding someone I was willing to let watch him was incredibly stressful. Who could I find who would understand he wasn’t being bad? Who could I trust to handle his behavior and not judge me or my family?
If I had accepted the label ‘special needs’ earlier, I could’ve had access to different resources for him. I could’ve brought him to story times specifically for kids who were atypical, and felt free of judgement. I could’ve had the words to share my story with close family earlier, and experienced their amazing support.
Coming to Terms
Before I could get to the point where I could acknowledge that my son has disabilities, a number of things had to happen. First, we received a diagnosis of a long-term condition for him. The therapists were great, and gave me language to explain this new diagnosis to close family. But even though I cognitively understood this condition would be with him for the rest of his life, I found myself continuing to think that he could outgrow it. (Again, denial is powerful. And sneaky.)
Secondly, he got a pair of ‘super-hero boots.’ It became much more difficult to deny that he had special needs when I’m strapping up his ankle braces every day, and staring at the physical manifestation of his diagnosis. And reaching out to other moms of kids with ankle braces was the most efficient way to deal with the shoe ‘drama’ that comes with the territory.
Third, was my experience at his school’s field day. He was the most severely, (at least physically) delayed kid in his class. It was an acutely painful experience watching my kid struggle just to run and keep up with his peers. It forced me to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t just ‘not quite typically developing,’ he really does have some special needs that deserve attention and treatment.
I Should’ve Known He Had Special Needs
Somehow, (in the irrational, mama-bear part of my brain) I felt by being a Family Therapist, I should’ve been able to see this happening. Possibly even to prevent this. I should be able to see the behaviors, and flawlessly implement a strategy that would help him calm down. That would fix him. If I were a good mom, I should be able to help him catch up to his typical peers.
But those ‘should’s’ are a lie. Don’t believe them for a minute.
They weighed me down for too long. They still like to sneak around, and knock on the door from time to time. I’m getting quicker at catching them, so they don’t do as much damage as they used to.
We’re still in a place where we’re looking for answers. I (lovingly) compare him to an onion, and I’m slowly getting used to the idea that we may always be peeling back layers. But it is so amazing every time he takes a step forward, and I get to know him a little better.
You’re not Alone
So why am I sharing my** story now? Because I don’t want you to have to spend years wondering if you’re doing too little, or too much. I want you to be an empowered advocate for your kid, because you know them better than anyone else on this Earth. I don’t want you to be lonely, and isolated, and feel like you have to do this alone. You do belong.
Does your life story include living in this gray area between special needs and typical? How has it impacted you? I would love to hear your story!
Notes:
*I have chosen this phrase because I like how broad it is. During the stage when we didn’t have a formal diagnosis, it still fit. In it’s definition, it includes kids with learning difficulties, physical disabilities, and emotional and behavioral difficulties which are significant enough to impact their learning at school. And if it’s significant enough to impact school, it’s absolutely impacting their home life, as well.
**I do want to respect that this is his (my son’s) life. But, being his mom is a defining role in my life. I’ve tried to keep focused on my experience, and not his. In the future, it will be his decision to decide if he wants to talk about how having special needs has (or has not) impacted his life. However, I know there are other moms out there going through the same thing. If that’s you, I sincerely hope that my experience can bring you comfort, and a quicker learning curve!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
Solving Your Kid’s Sleep Problems
MY KID HATES TO GO TO SLEEP
Why don’t kids like to go to sleep? It’s a nearly universal truth that kids will try to avoid bedtime and naptime like a cat avoiding water. (I’m literally writing this as my 1 year old is yelling his protest about being put down for naptime!)
But even teenagers resist the chance to get more sleep by going to bed early. Although that phenomenon is largely explained by a developmental shift in their circadian rhythm, it still doesn’t compute with us as adults! Ugh! If only they knew what we knew…they’d sleep as much as they could!
But since that isn’t the reality that we’re facing, it’s probably best to look at the challenges head-on so we can find some solutions.
Types of Sleep Problems
There are a couple different sleep problems your kid could be facing. So to find an appropriate solution, you need to correctly identify the problem.
This is not an exhaustive list, just some common problems. Sleep problems can also be an indicator of a medical issue, so if it persists, please consult a doctor.
1. Fear of Sleep
For some kids, falling asleep can be frightening. It’s a dark unknown, and who knows if you’ll even wake back up! These kids might be suffering from nightmares and/or night-terrors, which could be causing the fear, and feeding into a vicious cycle. It would also be common for kids to struggle with fear of sleep if they recently suffered a loss.
2. Anxiety
Anxiety might take the form of making your kid’s mind race to the point where they have trouble falling asleep. If you knew you were doomed to lay in bed for 90 minutes every night before you could sleep, thinking about the things that went wrong or things left undone, you wouldn’t want to go to bed either!
3. They’re Not Tired
Your kid may physically not be ready for bed. They may have napped late in the day, or maybe they just weren’t physically active enough. Additionally, teenagers start to develop later circadian rhythms, which means even if you sent them to bed at 9pm and they complied, they may not be able to fall asleep until 11. Blame nature for that one.
4. They Don’t Want to Stop
Whatever they’re doing right before bed is so engaging that they don’t want to quit. Or maybe your kid believes that the night is a magical time when the rest of the world is having fun without them. (Proving you’re never too young for FOMO.) Whether that’s the middle of a video game (more on screen time later!) or a chapter of a particularly good book, they just can’t put it down. And even if they do physically put it down, it’ll be racing through their minds for a while.
These can all be found in the Freebie Library!
SOLVING THE SLEEP PROBLEMS
I always recommend starting with the basics. Everyone needs a bedtime routine, including a consistent bed time. And all screens should be off at least a half hour before bed, although an hour before would be best.
Additional Sleep Interventions
If the basic bedtime routine isn’t working. It’s time to try some new solutions, and soon. Because we can all agree- sleep is precious.
1. Remove the Screens
Make sure all screens are removed from the bedroom. You could try being the ‘nice guy’ by telling your kid it’s because you’re being helpful and want to make sure devices are charged for tomorrow. Or, use a family docking station, and get your kid into the habit of placing it there before bed themselves.
2. Check with The Pediatrician
If your child is on any medication, it could be worth checking if this is a side-effect, and if a change might be warranted. At minimum, you would want to bring this up at their next well-check.
3. Checking Into Supplements
Since you’re already talking to the pediatrician, you could discuss if melatonin, magnesium, or other supplements are a path you may want to pursue.
4. Make Sure They’re Active
It’s a well-know fact that kids aren’t as active as they once were. So make sure they’re getting plenty of physical activity. Maybe plan a family hike once a week, or encourage your kid to play outside or ride their bike when they tell you, “I’m bored.” Making sure kids get outside all year is important, too. One of my favorite sayings is, “There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.” Meaning, (generally) dress for the weather and you’ll be fine!
If your child is competitive, you could try using a fitness tracker watch, like the Fitbit for Kids or an off-brand version. You can have them challenge themselves, or a family member!
5. Watch out for caffeine
Caffeine seems like it’s sneaking into everywhere now! Obviously, make sure your kid isn’t drinking coffee at 6pm, but look for the more covert places it could be, like soft drinks, chocolate, chocolate or coffee flavored foods, and medications like Midol and Excedrin (PMS and migraine relief, respectively).
6. Cue the Transition with Music
When it’s time for ‘wind-down time’ (my favorite term I learned from our favorite daycare provider!) help create the mood by playing relaxing music. You simply set a timer on your phone or tell Alexa to play soothing music at a certain time.
The genius of this is that over time, you can actually condition your kids to this music! After using this routine for a while, your kids may hear this music and actually start to feel sleepy! I love how our brains work!
7. Weighted Blankets
Weighted blankets can be useful for people with anxiety, Autism, ADHD, sensory-processing disorder, and general sleep problems. They’re wonderfully comforting, and can help your kid feel secure in their bed for a full night’s sleep.
8. Darken the Room
Create the best sleep environment you can by making sure the room is cool (not cold), free of distraction, and dark. Blackout curtains can be your best friend if you’re battling with extra light coming in through the windows.
9. Use White Noise
White noise machines have been used for everything from helping kids sleep longer, to eliminating night-terrors. Personally, when my kids are struggling with sleep problems, my attitude is “I’ll try (almost) anything once.” We did have phenomenal success with using white noise to help my two older kids sleep better.
10. Guided Relaxation
Guided relaxation is a wonderful method for relaxing your body and your mind. And it can be used for kids and adults. You can choose to use one of a number of different apps or audio tracks, or you can read below and try your hand at the self-guided version. (Make sure to grab the PDF so you can reference it later, too.) For the first few times, your kid may prefer to have you guide them through it rather than an app with a voice they don’t know.
Guided relaxation is a great solution for kids who have a hard time physically or mentally calming down enough to go to sleep.
How to Combat Sleep Problems with Guided Relaxation
The point of Guided Relaxation is to focus on your body’s sensations, instead of what is going on in your mind. It involves controlled breathing, and small, controlled muscle movements.
Start by getting into a comfortable position, and take 3 to 5 deep belly breaths. Try to quiet you mind, and just focus on how your belly feels going up and down with the breaths. Then, starting with the toes, you’ll clench different muscle groups tightly for a few breaths, and then relax. Start with the toes, and go up through the leg muscles, then from your fingers to your shoulders. Then from your stomach, to your chest, to your back and up through the neck. Make sure to include the face muscles like the jaws and forehead.
This exercise can last for just a few minutes, or you can choose to draw it out for as long as you may need.
Optionally, you can even incorporate gratitude into Guided Relaxation. (I.e.: “As you tighten your toes, think of everything they did for you today, and thank them for their hard work.) Gratitude is a wonderful antidote to anxiety, sadness and depression, and a million other things.
Check for these in the Freebie Library
Is this normal? Or something bigger?
Sleep problems can be a common reaction to normal, yet stressful, life events. Stressful events like exams, relationship/friend problems, moving, death of a relative, or an unstable living situation can all be temporary causes of poor sleep.
Sleep problems can also be related to several mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar disorder.
Once you’ve crossed the threshold of about 2-4 weeks, it’s worth calling a doctor. Make sure to document what’s going on at night so you can give the pediatrician the full scoop. Because if your kid isn’t sleeping- you’re not sleeping. And we all know the havoc that wreaks on our brains.
So, here’s to a good night’s sleep for both of you!
Kids acting impulsively- whatever that looks like for your family- is often some of the most challenging behavior for us to deal with as parents. Impulsive behaviors are, by nature, spontaneous. So your home can feel unpredictable and chaotic; like you can never get ahead of your kid’s behaviors. Every day there are battles to be on time, verbal outbursts, and even bigger worries like lying, stealing, and wandering/running away. It’s overwhelming when you feel like you can’t impact your child’s behaviors.
It’s Exhausting and Heartbreaking
Every single parent I’ve met who has a kid with poor impulse control and/or ADHD has felt like a failure at some point. You’re not alone. I’ve been there, too. But my message for you is this: you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for.
You are parenting an objectively difficult to raise child. You are trying every single day. There is no such thing as an ‘easy day’ for you; even if your kid’s away at someone else’s house, you’re worrying about how they’re behaving there. Self-care is often an after-thought, or just something that parents with ‘normal’ kids do.
Your emotional stores are depleted, but your kid still needs you to show up for them. The solution is not about giving them another half hour outside to ‘run it off.’ These kids have brains that are wired differently, and no amount of physical activity will change their brain composition. So, how do you start making changes when you feel stuck?
Impulse Control Strategies for Better Behavior
Whenever you start to implement impulse control strategies, it is critical to consider a kid’s developmental level. For example, if we identify the major behavior that needs addressed is temper-tantrums because a kid didn’t get their way, we need to consider the age of the child. If that kid is 2, the realistic answer is that they’re not ready for full-blown interventions, and we need to take a look at safety planning and/or making a plan to respond to the behavior when it does happen. But, if that kid has a developmental age of 6 (even if they’re 8 years old), they’re ready to start talking about the emotions and how they connect with the physical feelings in their body to start and prevent some of this behavior.
There is no quick fix. I wish I could sugar-coat that, but I know you already know that in your heart, so there’s no point in hiding it. Don’t let it stop you, though! Just think of where you could be in 6 months if you start working on this with your kid now!
Possible Pre-Step: Safety Plan
If your kid is exhibiting any behaviors that are dangerous to themselves or others, you absolutely need to safety plan first. Some examples of dangerous behavior could be throwing things, hitting, biting, wandering or even self-harm. Kids with poor impulse control don’t stop to think about the consequences of their actions, so we need to build a safety-net around them.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has found that the predominant mental health diagnosis of children (ages 5-11) who completed suicide was ADHD, and not Depression like in other age groups. This suggests that a child’s impulsivity is related to the suicide, and that safety planning by removing the temptation for impulsive behaviors can be an effective prevention tool. Once you have a plan to keep everyone safe, you can move on to the next impulse control strategies.
1. Choose ONE behavior to zero in on.
It may not be the biggest problem, but choose something that will either be impactful for you or your kid to deal with, OR something you’re pretty sure you can get traction on. Choosing just one behavior helps your kid get focused in on improving it, too.
The thought behind choosing something small that you think you could realistically change is that it will build confidence; both in you, and your kid. Every day, kids with poor impulse control are receiving the message that they’re bad, disobedient, out-of-control, or plain-old not-good-enough. If you help them make a change in their behavior, no matter how small it is, you’ll be giving them the confidence that they are capable of doing anything. That’s a powerful lesson!
2. Be a super sleuth.
Notice everything related to the ONE behavior you’ve chosen. Now you need to notice everything from how much sleep they’re getting, to foods they’ve eaten, to the environment(s) they’re in. Don’t limit yourself to looking at certain times of day, we’ll look for patterns later. Also- don’t forget to notice when they’re doing well! THAT’s really important data, too! Enlist teachers, baby-sitters, grandparents, or whoever else is involved in your kid’s life, to help you out by sharing observations. Try to keep it non-judgmental and objective. For example: “Jackson ran out of the room and screamed about not wanting to do homework.” Not, “Jackson was terrible and behaved like a wild animal.”
3. Document.
Pick a method that everyone involved will use. Make a google spreadsheet, use a spare notebook from back-to-school sales, use a shared app on your phone. Just pick the easiest thing for you!
I know you’re crazy busy and already overwhelmed, so I made a free, printable, fillable worksheet for you to help you keep your thoughts and observations organized. Check it out!
4. Go back and look for patterns and make connections.
Does Jackson scream more after he comes home from school? Maybe school is draining for him, and he needs a different after-school routine? Whatever your kid is doing, it’ll be much easier to tackle if you have a sense of why (or at least when) it’s happening. We’re not excusing it; we’re trying to understand it.
5. Implement Impulse Control Strategies Based on Your Findings
You’re not just going to throw something at the wall and see what sticks. Nope! Not you. You’re way smarter than that! You are going to choose some impulse control strategies based on what your child actually needs. There are 4 groups of skills, beyond continuing emotional, social and cognitive development that kids need to build stronger impulse control. There are stress-reduction skills, mindfulness, problem-solving skills, and tolerating delayed gratification.
Implementing Impulse Control Strategies is a Long-Game
This isn’t an over night fix. But you’re on the right path. Just a few closing tips:
It’s best to use these strategies when your kid is calm, and not during the middle of impulsive behavior.
It may be time to re-evaluate your kid’s medication (if they’re on any) and possibly even their diagnosis.
If your child is taking any psych meds, you want to make sure they’re seeing a child psychiatrist or psychologist. The pediatrician is a good stop-gap person, but you need a specialist.
Getting momentum is the hardest part. So take a deep breath, and dive in. There’s really no better way.
