Tag: Depression

A Complete Guide to Childhood Depression

Childhood Depression

Nearly a million kids in the US, under the age of 10, suffer from childhood depression. That’s 2-3% of of that age group. And nearly 13% of adolescents (ages 12-17) struggle with depression. That’s over 3 million teens in the US alone. And half of all lifetime mental illness are present before age 14.

And while those numbers may be jarring to see, honestly, they kind of don’t matter right now. Because there’s really only 1 kid you’re worrying about. Yours.

So let’s take a breather for a second. (Seriously. Pause and take a deep breath.) This is going to be OK. Here’s the bottom line- I will get you the information you need, so you can get your kid the help they need.

So, you can stop searching through all the dizzying lists that leave you with more questions than answers. You don’t have to read lists of symptoms that jack up your adrenaline so that you’re not even able to think straight.

Just imagine that we’re good friends (because you have the good luck of having a family therapist for a friend!) and we’re just drinking coffee and talking on the couch together.  Let’s go through this piece by piece, together, so you can make the best decision for your kid.

 

Symptoms of Childhood Depression

My caveat before giving you these symptoms is this: DO NOT TRY TO DIAGNOSE YOUR KID YOURSELF. I’m not just saying that because I need to legally cover my backside. I don’t want you to feel like you have to diagnose your child in order to get treatment. That’s the professional’s job.

Think of it this way, when you take your kid into the pediatrician because they’re not feeling well, no one is asking for you to already know their diagnosis. Your job is simply to know that something is wrong, and to bring them in.

I know, that doesn’t stop the worry, and the need for information. I’m a mom, too. And when I think there’s something up with one of my boys, I want to learn everything I can. So I’ll give you as much information as I can. Let’s dive in.

 

What Does Depression Look Like In Kids?

Kids with depression can look and act differently from adults with depression. For a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms need to be around for at least 2 weeks, for most of the day, each day. If it’s been less than 2 weeks, I’d still keep an eye on them, but your kid may ‘just’ be having a rough patch. If it’s been longer than 2 weeks, but you’re thinking, “She just laughed at her sister’s joke at dinner yesterday,” remember that mood can still have some fluctuation, even in depression.

Symptoms of Childhood Depression:

  • Sadness, emptiness, hopelessness AND/OR irritable mood
  • Changes in sleep patterns, like trouble sleeping, (including trouble staying asleep all night and waking up too early in the morning) OR increased amounts of sleeping (beyond what you would typically expect for their age).
  • Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities
  • Changes in appetite, changes in weight, or failure to gain appropriate weight
  • They may be feeling restless, or they may feel slowed down, like they have literal weights tied to them
  • Feelings of worthlessness, self-blaming thoughts and behavior, include self-inflicted punishments
  • Having a hard time concentrating, focusing, or remembering
  • Frequent thoughts about death, including suicidal thoughts

If your child is having suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, please get them help immediately. Suicide in young kids is rare, but very real.

Depression Or Grief?

The other reason I gave you that caveat about not diagnosing your own kid, is that it can be hard to figure out if they have depression, if they’re just feeling down, or if there’s something else going on. One more thing to add to your consideration is whether or not your kid has experienced a loss recently (death of a loved one, divorce, a move, etc.). If so, they may be experiencing grief, instead of depression. You can help them by giving them space to process the loss in their own way. Some kids need to talk, others need to create, and still others just need your physical presence.

I know that this isn’t easy to read and think about. And the whole question of your child even having depression is overwhelming and a little numbing. You’re doing a great job being this on-top-of-it that you’re trying to figure out what’s going on and how to help them.

This is usually the point where we try to talk ourselves out of something seriously being the matter. But remember, you’re here for a reason. Take a breath, and let’s keep going.

 

“Kids don’t really get depression”  and Other Myths About Childhood Depression

There is a lot of misinformation floating around out there that I feel compelled to clear up for you. Here are some of the most common myths people have about childhood depression.

Myth- “My daughter is only 7; she’s too young for depression. She’s just being dramatic.”

Answer- Depression does impact children as young as pre-schoolers. It’s rare to diagnose that young, but possible. Half of all lifetime mental illnesses show themselves before a child is even in high school.

Myth- He still seems like he’s happy sometimes. How could he have depression?

Answer- You want to look at the bigger picture here. People- including kids- with depression can have good days, where some of the weight seems to have been lifted, and they will appear happy. Just like the rest of the world, they will experience good and bad days. But if you can think back over the last 2 weeks and you son has been more sad, or angry, than he has been happy, it may be a symptom of depression. They may also have good social skills, know what sort of behavior is expected from them, and be putting on a brave face.

Myth- What could they be that sad about? Nothing bad has happened!

Answer- Depression is not simply a response to stressful life events. It is a disease impacting the brain. It changes how certain chemicals are transmitted, and impacts the circuitry and functioning of certain areas of the brain. Negative events in your kids life can act as a type of trigger for depression, but depression can rear it’s ugly head at any time. Depression is a sneaky, insidious disease, and doesn’t require any ‘help’ before it makes an appearance.

Myth- I don’t want my kid to be on medication for depression, so there’s no point in talking about this.

Answer- Medication is only one of the options for treatment. Only 2% of kids and teens with depression are treated with medication only. 19% are treated with talk therapy combined with medication, and 19% are treated with talk medication only. 60% receive no treatment at all. Please, don’t withhold all treatment just because you don’t like one of the options.

 

Different Kinds of Depression

There is some jargon you will probably run into while researching depression. So let’s break this down, like the index at the back of the book.

 

Depressive episode:

A brief(ish) period of time when someone had symptoms of depression. For example, they may have had a depressed mood for a few weeks, but then returned to a normal mood afterwards. An episode could last for weeks or months.

Major Depressive Disorder:

The official medical diagnosis for what is just generally called ‘Depression.’ You may also hear it called ‘clinical depression.’

Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia):

This is a type of depression that is long-lasting. For kids, they have to have a depressed mood (with other symptoms) for at least a year, with no more than 2 months of remission at any point during that year.

Remission:

A break or end to symptoms.

 

Other Depression-related words to know:

Assessment or screen:

A set of questions (aka a ‘test’) to determine the appropriate diagnosis for your kid.

Psychiatrist:

A doctor who specializes in medications for mental illnesses.

Psychologist:

A doctor who may prescribe medication, but may also provide talk therapy for their clients.

Therapist:

A person who is able to provide talk therapy for your child. They have gone through graduate school training, and are licensed by state boards. This can include Marriage and Family Therapists, Social workers, and Professional Counselors.

 

What does this mean for my kid’s future? The trajectory of childhood Depression

This is a good news, bad news section. So let’s take a look at what’s at stake for your kid, and then I’ll give you the good news!

 

BAD NEWS

The bad news is that if your child has depression, they are more than likely going to fight this on and off throughout their life, because there is no ‘cure’ for childhood depression in the traditional sense.

Simply put, kids with depression are more likely to become adults with depression.

And adults with untreated depression tend to have poorer health, worse job performance, and more stressful relationships than the general population. They are also more likely to use drugs or alcohol, typically because they’re trying to self-medicate.

 

GOOD NEWS

But your kid is not necessarily doomed to be depressed for their entire life. It is possible that they may only suffer from a few more bouts of depression, but otherwise have a typical mood throughout life.

More good news is that you caught this early! Your kid’s brain is still amazingly elastic, and can learn so many coping skills. This is the perfect time for talk therapy! So many changes to their way of thinking can be developed; and learning resiliency is so much easier in childhood. So your kid is about 800 steps ahead of the game, simply because you’re being alert and looking for help.

You are so on top of it that you’re going to help your kid beat the statistics. The average delay between onset of symptoms and intervention is 8-10 years. Basically, from the first symptom of depression, it typically takes 8-10 YEARS for someone to get help!!! But you are recognizing right now what you need to do. You are not going to let your child suffer silently for a decade.

 

Getting Help for Childhood Depression

So what do you need to do? Here are a couple steps to help you decide if your child needs further help, and then directions for how to get that help. Remember, when you’re trying to decide if your kid needs help, you’re not responsible for diagnosing them. You just need to cross the line where your gut response is, “Something isn’t right.”

In the Freebie Library, I have a guide to finding professional help for your kiddo.

Monitor Your Kid’s Mood

When they’re upset, sad or angry, does there seem to be a cause? How long does the bad mood last? Hours? Days? Weeks?

How is their sleep, and overall energy level? Are they still interested in playing with friends, or doing other activities that they generally like? Take a look back at the symptoms, and keep an eye on some of them.

Unless your kid is expressing suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, (in which case, GET THEM HELP IMMEDIATELY) it’s okay to take your time and gather information.

Talk to Other Adults in Their Life

You’ll also want to talk to your kid’s teacher, daycare provider, coach, or any other adult who’s around them when you’re not. The goal is to see what their mood and behavior is like in different places. Depression impacts kids across settings, not just one. So it’s important to see what else is going on. If you’re only seeing the bad mood in one location (like just at home, or just at home) you may not be looking at depression.

 

Choose Whether (or not) You Need To Get Additional Help

Now, here’s the bottom line. If you have any reason at all to believe your kid has depression, it’s crucial to seek out help from a professional. There is no need to be certain. Just like when you take a kid in to the pediatrician for a sore throat- it may be strep, it may be a virus, or it might be because they were screaming too much! No one is angry at you for bringing in a kid that you’re concerned about. It’s the same with mental health!

Even if they don’t have a diagnosable case of depression, there’s no arguing that your kid is having a hard time managing their feelings. And they may appreciate having someone (a therapist) to talk to and teach them some tools.

Getting an Appointment with a Professional

The goal here is to get your child assessed for depression. You may also hear the phrase “depression screening.” For a starting place, you can talk to your pediatrician, or your school psychologist, about your concerns. You’ll want to say something along the lines, “I’m worried about John. He’s been showing some symptoms of depression, and I would like for him to be assessed for depression.”

If those professional drag their feet, or say your kid is too young, you can ask for a referral or recommendation (based on what your insurance company requires) for a child therapist. You can also just look at who your insurance covers, and call them directly. You can still use the script from above requesting an assessment directly.

If the therapist’s office tells you there’s a waitlist, or a 6-8 week time frame before they’ll be able to be seen, know that this is- unfortunately- common. You can either take that appointment and wait, or you can ask if they know anyone else in the area who would be able to see your child sooner. (You could also take the appointment and then cancel it if you’re able to find one sooner.)

 

After the Assessment

After the assessment for depression, you’ll talk with the therapist about their recommendations for treatment. You can feel free to take notes if you need; it’s a great tactic for slowing the conversation down a bit and making they’ve explained everything well to you.

 

How to Cope as the Mom of a Child with Depression

The journey towards discovering if your child has depression is heartbreaking one. It is excruciatingly painful to watch someone you love hurt so much. And it can be a  lonely process, especially as you ask yourself questions like, “Did I cause this?” Here are a few bits of advice to help your healing process.

 

Stop the guilt.

It does no one good to blame yourself. Let it go. (Easier said than done, but it still needs to happen.)

Focus on the positive.

You caught this sooooo early, and that will have an impact on the trajectory of this disease. You are actively making this better for them!

Understand that your child can still have a good quality of life.

They will still have good days, and years. There can even be months of remission of their depressive symptoms. In the best case scenarios, they will find a way to balance their life so that the depression no longer has control.

Acknowledge that it’s really hard to live with someone with depression.

It’s like living in a deflated balloon. You know what life was like when it was light, but now everything is just kinda limp, and you’re looking around at the wasted potential. And to complicate the matter, if your kid has depression, there’s a 40% or greater chance that you or their dad has depression, too. That is really tough! Just acknowledging that you’re doing something objectively difficult can help give you perspective.

You need to give yourself permission to be happy.

There is a saying, “You’re only ever as happy as your saddest child.” And if that’s true, sister, this is going to be a long journey. Although I generally agree with thought, I think it might not hold up for parents of kids on the far ends of the happiness bell-curve.

So, let me be clear. You are allowed – no, you are encouraged– to be happy while your child is sad. If you go down into that pit of despair and sadness with them, who is going to pull you out.

If you find that you’ve lost that spark of joy, you need to find it again, and quick. Find something that just puts a goofy smile on your face. I ran into an amazing quote as I was writing this that I think really sums it up:

“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”

You may need to do some soul-searching to find what sparks that little light.

Get your own therapist.

I know it’s really hard to find a time to schedule therapy, and then what will you do with the kids, and how many co-pays can you really afford? If you’re running into these stumbling blocks, you could try a babysitting swap, like with Komae. Or, you may want to explore some of the online therapy options, like TalkSpace or BetterHelp. Getting your own therapist can be completely life changing. And no, you don’t have to have a mental health diagnosis to benefit; it’s enough that you’re struggling with your current life circumstances. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Bonus- find a cheer leader.

When all the energy and joy is being sucked out of you, it’s important to have people who can build you back up. This is a season, and you will become more resilient to the effect of living with someone with depression over time. But for now, you need to arm yourself with all the emotional support you can find.

Conclusion

You have now had a quick- but immersive- introduction to childhood depression. You know the symptoms, and you’re aware of the myths. You’re prepared with the jargon that doctors may throw at you, and you even have a script for how to call and get help for your kid. You know the stats, and the importance of getting help in a timely manner. If knowledge is power, then girl, you’re armed.

So, what will you do with it? Take a quick moment to stop and choose one action-step that will benefit your kid, and commit to seeing it through. Let me know in the comments what activity you’re committing to!

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About Alexandria

Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

Dealing With People Who Don’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real

Dealing With People Who Don’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real

The Excruciating Pain of someone Else’s Denial

“Autism isn’t real; it’s just a made-up diagnosis by the anti-vaxxers.”

“Kids don’t get depression; your kid is just being a brat.”

“Why don’t you actually discipline your kid? Then they wouldn’t be so hyper.”

“Sensory Processing Disorder is just an excuse for your bad parenting.”

I feel physically sick just reading that; do you? Has one of those lines, or something like it every been thrown carelessly at you? One of the most emotionally painful things someone can do to us is to discredit our journey. Having someone sweep your child’s condition under the rug, or even worse, lay the blame at your feet is hurtful.

And if the person discrediting your kid’s condition is someone you love? It’s downright excruciating.

Why Don’t People Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?!

Unfortunately, not everyone will agree that your child’s condition is a ‘real thing.’ There is still such stigma that there are some people who believe mental health problems are just someone being weak or undisciplined. Same with autism, sensory processing disorder, and more!

Maybe they don’t believe the research, or have seen the research and think it’s funded by biased parties. It’s possible that this person thinks ADHD, for example, can be a real condition, but your kid doesn’t have it.

When someone doesn’t believe our kid’s diagnosis is real, it’s painful. Because it means they don’t support us. And when you’re raising a challenging kid, you need all the support you can get!

To add to that, when our kids’ behaviors aren’t being explained by a diagnosis, it means that the person is viewing their problem behaviors through the lens of discipline, or parenting, or brattiness. And that usually means that it’s the parent’s ‘fault.’ Ouch.

If you’ve had someone say these things to you, it can leave you shaking with a mother’s fury for a week. Or it can cause knee-jerk reactions where you say one of those things you immediately wish you could stuff back into your mouth.

So How Do You Deal With It?

First, you need to establish, “Is it worth it to engage with this person?” Ask yourself, does it affect my child that this person doesn’t buy-in to their diagnosis. If it’s your co-worker, probably not. If it’s their dad, definitely.

If you’re not sure, let me ask this another way. Is this about you? Or is it about your kid? Are you personally hurt by this person’s views, or is it preventing your kid from getting the treatment they need? Why does this person’s buy-in matter?

I’m not saying that in a ‘no one else’s opinion should matter’ sort of way. I’m asking you a real question. There are plenty of reasons that this person’s opinion DOES matter.

How To Figure Out If Their Opinion Matters

For example, if your sister-in-law thinks ADHD is fake, then she is going to have a lot less tolerance for your son’s behavior- and your parenting. She may even try and take it upon herself to discipline your son in a way that’s counter-productive to what you’re trying to do. And (not so) eventually, you’re probably not going to feel very welcome in her house. Family gatherings just got a lot more awkward. In this case, it might be a good idea to engage at least enough to keep the peace.

Continuing with that example, there are also plenty of reasons your sister-in-law’s opinion DOESN’T matter. As long as she behaves civilly and kindly towards you, your kid, and family, then it may not be worth it to engage. Unless you have one of those best-friend/sister-in-law combo packs, it doesn’t matter if she disagrees with the course of treatment, or the IEP goals, or what steps you’re taking to manage behavior in your house. You and your partner get to make those decisions. No one else. You two are the ones who have to sleep at night with the decisions you’ve made.

Advocacy

Now, lest (that word doesn’t get used often enough!) you think I live in a world that’s black and white, there can be valid reasons to engage with someone whose opinion doesn’t matter. The main reason would be for advocacy’s sake. If advocacy is an important value to you, you’re probably sitting there reading this thinking, “But I want to give them the information and open their mind so this isn’t so hurtful to the next person!” If so, YOU are an advocate.

If you’re an advocate, I still want you to be cautious of a few things, in the interest of self-preservation. Where are you on this journey? Are you to a place where you can handle rejection, even after presenting well-planned information, and not take it personally? Consider what level you can engage in with this person that doesn’t burn you out? Your most important job is to leave enough in your reserves that you’re still able to go back and care for your kid in the best way you are able.

At this point, you should have been able to make a decision about whether it’s worth it to engage this person, or not.

Choosing Your Approach to Informing Why This Diagnosis Is Real

So you’ve decided that it’s worth it to engage with this person. Just for the sake of using an example, let’s say this person is your mother-in-law who also watches your kids after school once a week.

Now you have to choose your approach.

1. Agree to disagree

You can agree to disagree about the technicalities of the diagnosis or condition. But you cannot deny the symptoms. Find some common ground. Point out the symptoms that concern you; your mother-in-law is probably seeing the same things. If your son has depression, he may have stopped coming home from school and shooting hoops for a half hour before he comes in for a snack. He may be going straight to his room and sleeping. And, he may be extra difficult to engage.

It’s possible that your mother-in-law saw all those symptoms, but attributed them to other things. “Oh, he’s just going through a growth spurt,” or “The weather’s been bad so he can’t play outside.” But you could still present to her the way you would like to address those symptoms. Maybe you’re taking walks after school, without talking so there’s no pressure, just to make sure that your son is getting some physical movement (which can be very helpful for people with depression). Hopefully, your mother-in-law would be able to get on board with taking walks. Sure, you may have different reasons, but your responses are the same.

2. Present the facts

NOTE– I did NOT say convince them. Changing their mind is their own journey, and is out of your control. You can only present the facts in an unbiased way. This is CRUCIAL to remember!

If you choose to engage your mother-in-law, for example, you can opt to present just the facts to her. See if you can figure out from your previous conversations where her knowledge gap is missing, or what types of facts will have the most effect on her.

• Lean on the Doctors

If you know your mother-in-law respects medical professionals, this would also be an optimal way to start. For instance, if she’s never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder, you could give her a summation of the condition by starting with, “My doctor explained it to me like this.”

• Work with The Obvious Symptoms

But maybe she’s skeptical of doctors.  If that’s the case, you might want to focus on the obvious cluster of symptoms your kid displays. You could say something like, “Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder often are super sensitive to how clothing feels, louder noises, how food feels in their mouth, and sensations like swinging and spinning. There is just a disconnect between their brain being able to process what their body is feeling, and so everything ends up feeling and seeming exaggerated.” Give her the symptoms that she can’t help but think, “Oh yeeaah, Ethan totally did that last week!” The goal is to connect the dots for her in a way she just can’t miss.

• Start with the end in mind

To borrow a phrase from Stephen Covey, you could start with the end in mind. Work with your mother-in-law and explain that you’re seeking this diagnosis, or these interventions, because you want the best for your kid in adulthood. You recognize the power in early intervention! As they say, “early diagnosis leads to timely intervention and timely intervention leads to better outcomes.”

On average, it takes 8-10 years from the time symptoms first appear to the time kid’s get mental health treatment. There are a million reasons for this, but mainly, this happens because a) finding appropriate treatment can be hard; b) actually taking your kid for treatment requires lots of coordination with schedules, etc.; and c) parents don’t have the support they need to be able to pull it off. Help your mother-in-law see that she could help  your kid beat the statistics, and set them up for future success, by being supportive.

• Provide The Facts About Why The Diagnosis Is Real In Writing

The last option to explore would be printing off information from a trusted source (to your mother-in-law). I know a lot of people are tempted to just slip it in a purse, or ‘sneakily’ leave it laying out somewhere she’ll definitely see it. But I don’t like those methods for a few reasons.

First, because there’s nothing sneaky about it! She is abundantly aware this is you. Who else is going to leave reading material about Sensory Processing Disorder or ADHD or Autism just laying around?!

Second, because it comes off as passive-aggressive. Which could have the opposite affect on her that you’re trying for. So, when she sees the paper, instead of being receptive to the information, she’ll be put off by your behavior and potentially become more blocked to even reading it.

The more helpful approach to printing off the facts is to just be up-front about it. Maybe next time she’s at your house, and she’s on her way out the door, you can just casually say, “Oh, I almost forgot. I found some new information about Sensory Processing Disorder. I would mean a lot to me, and Ethan, if you could read this when you get a chance.” Be careful NOT to phrase this as a question. Like, “Would you mind reading it?” That way she’s less likely to shoot you down right then and there.

3. Address the fears

If it’s someone who loves your child who is dismissing their condition, they may be resisting the condition or diagnosis out of denial.

The good news is that this denial could be based in love and fear. It’s because they have an inkling (or maybe even full knowledge!) of what it would mean for their child to have this disease. And because they love your kid, they want to do everything they can to protect them. Including, making sure they don’t carry around that sort of life-long diagnosis.

Hey, no one ever said love was logical.

This would be a great opportunity to step in to their shoes. Treat them with love, and share your own story of how hard it is for you. And help this other person see that you are accepting the diagnosis because you love your child, and want them to be able to get help.

• What If Dad Doesn’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?

Let’s switch trains of thought, and say the person you’re working to persuade is your kid’s dad. Just like you, Dad has to work through that grieving process.

So, ask what his fears are. If possible, find examples of adults who have lived with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Depression, and so on, and show him how successful these people can be in different areas of life. Or maybe there’s a support group in your area he would want to join? You know this is a painful process; you’ve been here. So meet him where he’s at.

4. Cultural Barriers 

It could be that there are cultural barriers. Cultural barriers are often related to myths and stigmas of the diagnosis, which are usually based in fear. I find that the best way to combat fear is with knowledge, presented in a loving way. Showing people all the ways they’ve been wrong their whole life isn’t a winning strategy. So no matter how much it pains you, go slow if you’re working with someone in this category.

Convincing People The Diagnosis is Real

No one has ever had their mind changed by someone screaming at them. By creating a plan, you won’t have to respond reactively anymore! And, you’ll know that you have done what you can, for the greatest benefit of your kid.

Either you have chosen not to engage, and saved your energy and resources for yourself, your family and your kid. Or you have chosen to try and present the facts. You could appeal to them logically, using authorities like doctors to support you. If you’re not a fan of conflict, sharing the facts in writing for that person to read at a later time might be the best option for you.

Meeting someone where they’re at, in all their pain, is incredibly challenging. But maybe that’s what’s being asked of you. You may have to really put in some wok for both you, and your kid, to get the support you need.

Whatever the outcome, by creating a plan you will know you have done the best you can. Your job is over, and  now it’s on that person to expand their mind.

Have you personally dealt with people who don’t believe your kid’s diagnosis is real? How did you respond? Share your story in the comments below!

Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission,  at no extra cost to you. Learn more here. 

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