7 Games and Activities to Get Kids to Open Up and Talk to You
I’ve been using games to get kids to open up for over a decade now. And let me tell you- they work!
It’s pretty much a guarantee that I will ask myself on a daily basis, “How can I communicate better with my son?” (I have 3 boys, so communication always needs to be tweaked with someone.)
Exhibit A- I used to go in and pick my 4-year-old up from preschool. I’d hear all about his day from the teachers, and find out about what crafts they made or what books they read. Then we would get back in the car to go home.
“How are you, sweetie? How was preschool? Did you have a good time?”
“Mom that’s too many questions!”
That’s literally what my 4-year-old said to me. “That’s too many questions.” 3 questions was too many.
He’s never been what you might call a ‘talker.’ But I knew right then that this was truly going to be an uphill battle just to stay informed about what was going on in his life.
And as a family therapist, this drives me particularly nuts. I talk to kids for a living! So I thought I’d have it all figured out with my own kids. HA! Luckily, as a therapist, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. There are LOTS of games to get kids to open up!
Communication is Key
True, some kids just don’t like to talk. But that doesn’t mean that we’re free as parents to not communicate with them. In fact, I believe it raises the stakes on the need for communication.
As a parent, it’s my responsibility to know about the basics of what’s going on in his life. So when he’s four, that means knowing what he did at preschool. I need to know who he’s playing with at free-time, and how he’s getting along with his teachers, and generally what he’s learning so I can help supplement when (or if) necessary. The things I’ll need to know about him will change as he grows and becomes more independent, and as my role in his life slowly shifts.
I also see it as my responsibility to be the best parent I can be for him. Which means being responsive to his needs and connecting with him. And it’s nearly impossible to connect with a kid (or anyone!) who won’t open up to you! Seriously, if you asked, “So tell me about your day,” and the guy answered, “It was ok,” how long would that date last?!
Being responsive to our kids is one of the basic measures of being an Authoritative parent. It’s pretty much the gold standard of parenting, and backed-up with lots of research. You might want to check out this article if you want to learn more about Authoritative parenting.
How Do I Get My Kid to Talk to Me?
So how do you get your kids to actually talk to you? Fair question. Let’s start by setting ourselves up for success.
1. Don’t Require Eye-Contact When Talking About Big Things
Kids can often struggle with face to face conversation, especially if they’re more introverted, have a history of trauma, or have diagnoses like Depression, ADHD, Anxiety or Autism. But it can be tough for any kid to look a parent in the eye, especially when having conversations about ‘big’ things. (Their definition will vary from yours.) So don’t make it a requirement here if you can help it.
2. Know Their Development
It’s critical to know what your child is capable of understanding and discussing. Kids with various developmental delays may also have a delay in metacognition (thinking about thinking). So they may truly struggle to answer the question, “What were you thinking about when that happened?” Kids with ADHD will struggle to focus on the conversation for a long period of time.
Know your kid, and what they’re capable of. If you’re unsure, you can do a quick Google search, or talk to your pediatrician about it. You can get a PhD in child cognitive development, so I can’t even begin to do it justice here.
Games and Activities to Get Your Kid to Talk To You
These games are so simple, it’s easy to overlook their power. Some of them are games in the typical sense of the word, and some of these are ways to turn the conversation (or your approach to it) itself into a game!
1. Try Having a Conversation with Them While They’re in the Car
This is a time-tested ‘game.’ Chances are that your parents may have even used it on you! Simply starting the conversation in the car takes away your kid’s concern about seeing your reaction when they tell you something. So it’s much easier for them to open up that way!
2. Don’t Talk About Them
Start by talking about someone else; take the roundabout path, don’t direct the conversation AT them. Try asking a question like, “I haven’t heard about your friend in a while- how are they doing?” If you let them steer the conversation, starting from a non-threatening place, it might just wind up back where you were hoping. Warning- this option is kind of a long-game.
3. Talk Over Card Games and Easy Board Games
Chances are, these are the ones already in your cupboard. You want to choose ones that don’t take a lot of mental bandwidth so that your kid can think about the game AND be able to talk to you still. Board games like Trouble or Chutes and Ladders are great for this. So are card games like Go Fish or War. (These card holders make it so much easier for little hands, or limited fine motors skills to play along!)
4. Let Your Kid Fidget with Something
Letting your child fuss with something in their hands while they talk is a great strategy to help kids open up. A fidget, clay, theraputty, or play-doh or can serve two functions. First, it’ll help draw the eye-contact away, which helps with potentially awkward conversations. Second, it helps occupy that impulsive or distractable part of the brain, which means your child might actually be able to attend to what you’re saying!
5. 20 Questions
An oldie, but a goodie, for a reason. If you’re really trying to get them to open up about a specific topic, like, how to get your child to talk about school, this is a great game to play. You can start with a broad question- something like, “What was your favorite part of school today?” And if you’re like most parents of reluctant talkers, you’ll get a response of anything from “I dunno” to complete silence. Then, just ask if you can turn it into a fun game of 20 Questions! (Or even 10 Questions depending on their attention and development level!) The best part is that you’ll get collateral information while you’re on your way to finding out the answer!
6. Turn Dinner Into A Game
To say that talking to our kids about school is like pulling teeth is an understatement. Our older son is extremely private, and all information is deemed to be either something we ‘should’ already know, or something we don’t need to know. Our other kids are both receiving speech therapy- so I completely understand what it’s like to sit at a table with people who won’t- or can’t- talk to you!
Using “Dinner Questions” -at least that’s what we call them in our house- has been a really nice way to communicate with our boys. I think there’s something about the fact that the questions don’t technically come from mom and dad that they appreciate. My husband and I take turns answering the questions, too- which I think contributes to the draw of the dinner questions. (Here’s a link to the ones we have in our home- they’ve been good for an age range of about 4 -5 and older.)
We also instituted the “Roses and Thorns” (basically, what were the good or bad parts of your day) question at dinner time, which has gone surprisingly well. The four-year-old can’t quite answer such an open-ended question. But the 8-year-old has been really open with us! Even to the point of letting us know about friend troubles I’m confident we never would’ve learned about otherwise.
7. Using a Mom and Me Journal
I’m totally saving the best for last here. I absolutely LOVE journaling as a communication tool. And there are so many formats you could use that will help your child open up. It could be as simple as having a composition notebook that you pass back and forth. Or you could use a journal with prompts to get the creative juices flowing. You could choose to write about your days, or write fictional stories together. The options are truly endless!
Thoughts on Using Games to Get Kids to Open Up
A kid’s job is to play. The more we ‘gameify’ things, the more we are reaching down to their level to connect. Play and imagination are so real and so necessary to their development that it’s often the best place to find out about what’s really going on in their lives. It’s why there’s an entire branch of therapy dedicated to play! (ie: play therapy)
So when you use one of the activities or games to help your kid open up and talk to you, you’re sending a signal of unconditional acceptance to your kiddo; that you’ll meet them where they are. Not to mention, you’re also doing some very smart parenting! And when they feel connected to you, and you feel good about your parenting, the communication is only going to keep flowing!
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