Children Archives - Choosing Your Battles

School just started back up, and you’re realizing this year that homework is now a nightmare for your kid. There are nightly tears about homework, and you’re starting to just feel drained from it all.

Or maybe your kid wouldn’t mind doing math sheets all night, if that just meant they didn’t have to do their nightly reading.

It’s obvious that for whatever reason, your kid needs help learning. You think it might be a learning disability, or would at least like to rule that out. You may even have narrowed it down, and are able to voice a specific concern like, “I think my kid might be dyslexic.”

Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out how to help your struggling student.

So how do you get help if your child has a learning disability?

Where do you go from here? You’ve read all about the signs and symptoms of learning disorders like dyscalculia, and dysgraphia.

But how do you get from reading all this information, to actually putting school interventions in place?

Here are a few steps you can take to go from having this be a suspicion of yours, to getting your child some real help in school.

1. Gather Your Evidence/Concerns

The first step to figuring out if your child has a learning disability is to put it in writing. Are you concerned about a learning problem, or a behavior problem? Both? Is one of the primary?

(It’s very common for one to mask the other. For example, if I child has dyslexia and is struggling to read, they may act out in class- either out of frustration, shame, or as a distraction.)

[bctt tweet=”It’s common for behavior problems in school to mask learning disabilities.” prompt=”tell a friend”]

What exactly are you seeing that concerns you? Be specific. For example, don’t be vague like, “Eva spent way too long on her homework every single night this week.”

Keeping notes like, “Eva cried for 20 minutes before starting her homework, saying things like, “I’m too dumb for this,” and then it took her 45 minutes to finish 10 math problems. She got 2 correct.”

2. Talk To The Teacher

Let me be clear- you are speaking with the teacher to gather his or her observations- NOT to get their blessing about whether or not you’ll continue pursuing this. It’s especially important to remember this if you have a teacher who’s dismissive of the idea that your child needs additional support.

But generally, the teachers are a wealth of information. They’ll tell you what reading or math group your kid is in, and how much extra help they’ve been needing.

They might even surprise you and say, “Oh yeah, I was planning to bring that up at our next parent-teacher conference.”

You’ll also want to ask if they’re using any interventions already.

3. Schedule an evaluation with the school psych.

Using the information you’ve gathered, you need to call the school and schedule an eval. It’s a critical step in getting an answer to the question of, “Does my kid have a learning disability?”

Just say something like, “I believe that my kid is having a problem with math, and would like her to be evaluated for a learning problem” and they’ll be able to take if from there.

YOU don’t have to have to pre-diagnose your child, you just need to clearly state the concern.

4. Wait for the eval/results.

This may be the hardest part. Try to just breathe, and remember that your kid is still the same person that you love and think is amazing, whether or not they have a diagnosis of dyscalculia or not.

Once the results come back, decide if they make sense to you. Did they test the area you were concerned about? Did they treat your family with fairness and respect?

In short, do you think the school psychologist got a clear and unbiased look at your child’s abilities?

From here, you have two choices: One, accept the result and work towards a plan. Two, seek a second opinion.

Also, even if the school said your kid doesn’t have a learning disability, that doesn’t mean you can’t create a plan to help your kid! You can develop one on your own; there are plenty of ways to address learning problems at home.

5. (Optional) Seek a second opinion.

If you don’t think the evaluation accurately represented your kid’s abilities, you can seek a second opinion.

Be warned, in the US, this is likely to get expensive because now you’re going to be looking for a private psychologist or group to do the testing. Which means you’re more than likely going to have to pay out of pocket.

It’s obviously up to you, but keep in mind that this should only be a one-time cost that you have to deal with, if that helps make this an easier pill to swallow..

6. Create a plan.

If your child received a diagnosis of learning disability, ask the professional for a plan to address this before you walk out of the room/get off the phone. At the very least, schedule a meeting to follow-up on this.

Additional tutoring, a 504 plan, an IEP, or behavioral counseling are all options for your kid that you may want to explore.

If this is your first venture into the world of IEP, my friend Laurie has written a wonderful explanation of The IEP Process for Parents. Even if you’ve dealt with IEPs or 504s before, it’s worth a refresher!

Keeping the Team Accountable

I always like to keep a ‘paper’ trail, so even if you talk on the phone or in person, you can send a quick email as a follow-up. “Just to summarize, we talked about Johnny’s school performance, and potential learning disabilities, and your thoughts were… and my thoughts were…” That type of thing.

If you’re like me, and your brain is colander on the best of days, this is also a nice way to make sure you have everything in one place when it’s time to re-evaluate.

Make sure to re-evaluate the diagnosis and results from time to time. Every quarter, report card, or just at the end of the school year are all times that make sense to do this. IEP meetings are only required to be held annually, but as the parent it’s your right to request more, if needed.

So, what do you do if you think your child has a learning disability?

It’s straight-forward- don’t ignore your gut feeling! You know your child better than anyone else. You’ve got the tools you need, now it’s time to be strong and advocate for them!

Let me know if you’re running into any roadblocks- I’m always happy to brainstorm solutions with people!

How to Motivate a Child or Teen

Ahhhhhhhhh. Internally motivated kids. That’s the dream, right?

Because, wouldn’t it be great if your kid wanted to do their chores and clean their room? Or if they would do their homework without you ever reminding them? What if you never had to nag them to practice piano or free-throws ever again?!

But it doesn’t have to remain a fantasy. You can help your child develop their internal motivation. Which will not only help you, but is an incredibly important part of excelling in adulthood! (So maybe they’ll actually move out one day!)

But First, What is Internal Motivation?

(Ok, bear with me while I geek out for a minute 😋)

Intrinsic motivation theory (the psychological study for all things related to internal motivation) suggests that people engage in some activities purely for the internal reward. There are things that we do, simply because they’re enjoyable to us. They fulfill our sense of competence, independence and/or connectedness.

In contrast, external (or extrinsic) motivation would be doing something for a reward outside of ourselves; like praise, money, or fame.

A kid who is internally motivated does something for the internal reward it brings; a sense of accomplishment, or the sense that volunteering brings them closer to their community, or even the peace that comes from ‘doing their part.’

Steps for How to Motivate A Child

1. Figure out what motivates them.

Sure, you want them to do well in school, but clearly that’s not resonating with them. Look deeper into what’s driving them right now; what psychological need are they trying to fulfill? Are they a kid who loves to learn and will dive deep about topics that are interesting, even if it has nothing to do with school? (Competence) Or are they always trying to find a way to be different from the norm? (Independence) Use that knowledge to reframe why they would want to do well in school.

2. Help your kid develop their identity.

You can help motivate a child by assisting them in defining their identity. Use their behaviors that point towards what drives them (the ones you identified in step 1), to help them identify that as part of their identity. “I am a person who loves to learn” or “I am a person who values individualism.” Essentially, here you are helping them define some of their values. And a value-driven personal is functioning on internal motivation.

3. Find Their “Why”

We need to figure out why this would be a meaningful task for them to accomplish for themselves, rather than for someone else. Depending on the developmental age of your kid*, this would be an awesome conversation to have. (Usually, the most direct way to these answers is to just ask!)These examples of internal motivation would be a great place to dig in. For example, if your trying to motivate your child in sports, you can help them kid see the difference between practicing their free-throw because they simply enjoy basketball, (or the act of mastering a new skill) or because Coach said they had to practice.

Quick Note

If you have a kid who hasn’t hit the age of reason or meta-cognition yet (approximately 8ish, but it’ll vary pretty widely) then I would just sprinkle in little sentences throughout the day like, “You seem really proud of the Lego creation you built- I love that you enjoy the process of creating so much!” It may seem small, but after years of hearing how they’ve enjoyed being creative, it’s going to imprint on their brain, and one day that’ll come right back to them, “Oh yeah, I’m someone who loves to create!” That’s when you can help them explore if they like creating new recipes, stories, or even larger projects that are masquerading as homework.

Once your kid hits tween years, I stop trying to be ‘sneaky’ with this sort of conversation, and just talk to them like their adults. They may not understand or process it all completely on an adult level, but it’s a great way to model conversation, and they’ll appreciate the respect.

4. How do you motivate an unmotivated child? Find the hook.

Use those psychological needs that they’re trying to meet, and use those to your advantage. Maybe they’re really working towards connectedness at this moment; some kids balk at homework and studying due to the isolation they feel while they’re doing it. In that case, maybe hosting a study group at your house with kids in their class would help your child do more of their homework during that time?

5. Use personality quizzes!

There’s no denying that personality quizzes are fun to take! Gretchen Rubin, of The Happiness Project, developed a whole personality quiz, called the 4 Tendancies , with the specific tagline, “One of the daily challenges of life is: “How do I get people- including myself- to do what I want?” It’s a great resource for learning how to motivate unmotivated kids, utilizing their personality (especially for older kids/teens who have developed a more stable personality).

Essentially, you’re helping them understand and harness the power of their unique disposition towards why they will do something. According to Gretchen, there are 4 categories of people, Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel.

So, for example, if my teenager took this quiz, and it told him that he’s a Questioner, we would understand that his drive to know why is very deep, and he will only tend to do things once he understands the purpose and it makes sense to him. That definitely gives us something to work with when we’re trying to internally motivate a child!

6. Tie small facts into the process.

Fun fact- learning small, new, novel facts hits your brain the same way that scrolling Facebook for new information does. It gives us a tiny hit of dopamine, and lights up the reward centers in our brains.

So, learning tiny, interesting facts is a very rewarding process, (although understanding it as a reward is fairly subconscious). Essentially, it will complete the loop in the brain that says, “I just did something, where’s my reward” without offering an external reward.

To use this tip, just keep it simple and tell your kid that after they complete whatever task you’re trying to get them to do, you will tell them a fun fact! (Or a weird fact, or a gross fact. You know your kid best. Use this to your advantage.)

While technically this fact could be about anything, bonus points for making the topic relevant to what they’re working on. (Ie: you want your kid to make their bed every day? Arm yourself with weird bed facts, like that the spring mattress was invented in Germany in 1871)

Avoid This Trap If You Want to Raise A Self-Motivated Child

If you want to self-motivate your child, The one thing NOT to do: DO NOT GIVE AN EXTERNAL REWARD! It’s a trap. You think you can reward a task, create a positive association, and then remove the reward. It makes sense. It follows everything we’ve been taught in Psych 101 and that we know about Pavlov and his famous drooling dogs. But I repeat, it’s a trap! (And yes, as a mom of 3 boys, I really want to put a Star Wars joke here. But I digress…)

What really happens when we reward the completed task is that our children are now working towards an external reward. Things like praise, ice cream, or even gold stars are all external rewards. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what we were going for. It seems like a great short-cut, even like common sense, but the result will be an externally motivated child, not an internally motivated one.

Now You Know How to Motivate A Child

These steps will work for whatever reason you have for needing to motivate a child. Whether they need motivated to work on school and learn, or to practice music or sports, these steps are universal. They’ll even help a kid who may seem unmotivated, stubborn, or even lazy.

The trick is as simple and challenging as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.

[bctt tweet=”The trick to motivating our kids is as simple- and challenging- as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.”]

Becoming an adult means doing the hard and unfulfilling tasks, even if you don’t want to. So helping your kid find (and use) internal motivation is a key part to helping them become a successful, independent adult.

What are you trying to motivate your child to do? Share in the comments below!

Tag: Children

What To Do If You Think Your Child Has A Learning Disability