Tag: Kids

When Is My Kid Ready for a Phone?

What’s the right age to get your kid a phone?

How do you know if your kid is ready for a phone?

This has been such an interesting generational shift! This was simply not a conversation our parents had, so it doesn’t come with the same sort of ability to look back and think, Oh, I’ll do it the way my parents did (or didn’t!).

But there’s a lot to consider when deciding if your kid is ready for a phone.

There are inherent risks to kids having a phone- screen addiction, falling prey to the social media comparison trap, online bullying, exploitation, sexting, and more. 

But there are also benefits to phones, like communication, building friendships, and learning/growing interests and skills.

So instead of just giving you the answer about exactly when the right time is for a kid to have a phone, here are some questions, and possible workarounds you could use. Because what’s right for one family may not be the answer for another.

Questions to Ask When Considering a Phone for a Child:

Why does your kid need a phone? 

  • To stay in touch with family? Are you a split-custody family, and need to be able to contact your kid when they’re at their mom/dad’s?
  • Does your kid spend time alone at home? Maybe you work outside the home, and would like to check-in with your child when they get home from school.
  • To call for a ride home from activities? (Gone are the days of using the collect phone at school and leaving a quick “It’s-Alex-need-a-ride” before your family declines the charges and hangs up on you. Just me? 🙂 )
  • They walk to school or ride to friend’s houses on their bike and you would like to know where they are

These circumstances may shift the emphasis you put on the next section, when you consider their maturity level. You can also use these questions to identify the features you would need in a phone or other smart device.

What’s my child’s general maturity level?

Instead of randomly choosing an age, let’s look at some maturity markers that tell you a kid might be ready for the responsibility of having a phone:

  • Can they take care of their own personal hygiene with minimal reminders?
  • Can they turn off the TV or video games without complaining?
  • Are you able to trust them to stay home alone?
  • Do they frequently lose small (or larger) items, like glasses, books, coats, etc?
  • Do they follow through with other responsibilities, like completing homework or chores?

Reasons your kid might want a phone

Hint, these may not be good reasons to get a kid a phone.

  • To be like their friends. Peer pressure never goes away
  • To play games
  • To be on social media
  • So they’re not bored all the time

For me, it comes down to a cost-benefit. Is the child (or family) going to experience a net positive from having a phone?

Growing up is a gradual process, and we naturally give our kids more responsibility and privileges over time. So it can be helpful to find a way to introduce them to phones, and then build the privileges up over time, instead of just throwing them in the deep end.

Things you can do instead of giving kids their own phone

You can have a family cell phone (one that all the kids share, and that stays in an agreed-upon place), or even install a landline, depending on the identified need for a phone. Hear me out, but a landline might be a nice option for younger kids in a split-custody arrangement; if you can screen your calls, you should barely have to speak to the other co-parent.

You can also use smartwatches, some of which come with minimal texting and calling abilities. So, if you need to know where your kid is, and want the ability to check-in with them, this could be a better solution than a full phone.

Teaching kids to use phones as tools

If you have come to the conclusion that your kid does, in fact, need a phone, this is a great learning opportunity. 

We can teach our kids how to use phones responsibly, instead of them becoming dependent on them. Screen addiction is real, and so are the dangers of social media, online bullying, and being exploited. 

We need to let them build up their knowledge and self-control about using phones properly instead of just throwing them in the deep end and hoping they figure it out. Whether that’s by putting limits or parental controls on the phone, or by monitoring with apps like Bark, you need something to help them with the structure. Especially at first.

What does a therapist do in her own house for kid phones?

Affiliate disclaimer- I am an affiliate for Pinwheel, and if you purchase a product from them, I will receive a small commission at no-cost to you. BUT, we have had this phone in our home for about 6 months, and had recommended it to several friends and family members, before I became an affiliate.

I’ve been a huge fan of using Pinwheel with my oldest kid. It’s a smartphone operating system specifically for kids, preteens, and teenagers, and has been a great first phone. 

I love that it gives him a phone he can talk to his friends and family on. And, it’s a smartphone (so he doesn’t look like the odd kid out), but it also has no access whatsoever to social media, or to a general search engine. The phone numbers are all safe-listed, so he’s not going to receive spam. Pinwheel’s app store is curated to give kids tools to support their growth, not mindless games or content.

For our family, it made sense that he got a phone around age 11; we had moved about an hour away, and he was missing the ability to talk to his old friends. He had also shown a lot of the maturity markers that I already mentioned. 

But I think my favorite thing is that he is 100% not addicted to this phone. He gets on to text a friend or two, listen to a podcast, or learn Welsh (his choice!), but will then put it back down and forget about it. He’s the only 12-year-old I know, who has his own phone, who is not stuck on it constantly. 

For more- visit Pinwheel.com to order a phone and Pinwheel monthly subscription at $15/mo 

Your Plan for Getting Your Kid a Phone

Hopefully, now you have a plan about if and when you will get your child a phone of their own (or not!). There’s no magic age to get your kid a phone, but there are lots of signs that your kid will give you to show that they’re ready. And that little feeling of trepidation you have about giving your child more independence? That’s normal! It’s wonderful and hard- all at the same time- to watch them grow up!

Best of luck whenever you choose to move forward with this! 

How to Gain Your Kid’s Respect in 6 Easy Steps

Respect is Critical

Getting our kid’s respect can feel like the Holy Grail. “If they just respected me, they’d listen to me!” Or they might be more willing to take your advice, or just generally more cooperative, or respectful.

You intuitively understand how important their respect is. If we don’t respect someone, it is very unlikely that we’ll give them our best effort. I mean, when was the last time you went above and beyond for a boss you didn’t respect? My guess is that if you did turn in your best work, it’s because you respect yourself, the client, or your co-workers. Kids are just like us. Everything is going to work better if they know they can respect us.

So the trick to getting your kid to respect you is to ask yourself, “How would I measure whether or not to give someone else respect?” It’s the same for them.

6 Steps to Get Your Kid’s Respect

1. Listen to them.

They want to be heard. They want to be known, especially by you, the most important person in their life. When you listen, don’t interrupt or jump ahead and assume you know what they will say. Really listen. Ask questions. Make eye contact.

2. Actions are worth 1000 words.

Kids are great BS detectors. If you are a person of integrity and walk the walk, especially when things are most difficult, that will mean much more than any lecture.

3. Follow-through.

Actually do what you say you’ll do; from the small stuff to the big. It’s pretty difficult to respect someone if you can’t trust them.

4. Fight fair.

When you need to offer correction or discipline, don’t put them down when you do it. No name-calling or screaming is necessary. Speak respectfully to them, clearly let them know the issue, any potential consequences, and what you expect next time. “I know you can do better” is way different than “you suck.”

5. Avoid talking behind backs.

If you’re throwing your neighbor’s kids under the bus in front of your family, I can almost guarantee your kids are wondering if you talk about them the same way. If you want to get your kid’s respect, a little restraint can go a long way.

6. Let your work be seen.

There’s no question that you’re pulling your weight for the family, but often the unseen is unknown. Basically, your kid may not know that you’ve been working hard all day while they’re at school, or that there’s no magic laundry fairy who transformed that pile of dirty laundry. This step requires walking a tightrope of saying just enough, without sounding like you have a martyr -complex. But it’s important because part of respecting someone is knowing that they’re contributing to the team, too.

Respect Can Strengthen Relationships

I know I use way too many analogies, but respect is a lot like the soil in a garden. Without healthy soil, flowers won’t grow; and without healthy amounts of your kid’s respect, your relationship with them may wither over time.

Have you ever noticed a change in your kid’s behavior related to respect? Leave a comment, or email me at alex@choosingyourbattles.com- I’d love to hear!

Does My Kid Have ADHD? (What Else Could It Be?)

Does my child have ADHD or not?

It’s no secret that kids are being diagnosed with ADHD in the US more and more frequently. Depending on which study you read, somewhere between 5-11% of children across the US are diagnosed with ADHD. And there’s been an increase of over 3% in just 8 years! 

BUT- it’s entirely possible that many kids who are told they have ADHD are actually being misdiagnosed.

This is because the symptoms of ADHD are well known (hyperactivity, impulsiveness, lack of focus, disorganization), so it may be one of the first diagnoses doctors have in mind. And doctors and clinicians can observe these behaviors in a relatively short amount of time, which makes it easy to use for a diagnosis. 

But there are many other reasons kids may be exhibiting these behaviors most often seen with ADHD. 

Does My Child Have ADHD? Maybe Not…

ADHD is not always the answer. If you’ve been told your child has ADHD, but it doesn’t seem like the best explanation for your child’s behavior, there are other explanations.

Reasons to Question Whether or Not Your Child Has ADHD:

–There is no family history of ADHD. The hereditability rate of ADHD is around 76%. This means that if there’s someone in your (biological) family with ADHD, it’s very likely that another person will have ADHD, too. However, this also works in reverse. It’s unlikely, although possible, that one person in the gene pool will just pop up with ADHD.

–You don’t see any symptoms at home. If you’re only seeing symptoms like hyperactivity or impulsivity at school, and not at home, ADHD may not be an accurate diagnosis. For a true ADHD diagnosis, symptoms need to occur across different settings. (There’s a difference between seeing a symptom and it being a problem. It’s possible that you’re able to manage the high-energy level better at home than it can be at school. So the symptoms are still occurring across settings, but they may not be as problematic in different places.)

-If your child is receiving medication, but you don’t feel like it’s working well/correctly. It could be a sign that the brain chemistry is showing that the ADHD diagnosis is wrong. (It could also just be the wrong medication for your child; make sure to speak with your prescriber before stopping any medication as some medications can have adverse effects is suddenly stopped.)

What Else Could It Be? Other Explanations for ADHD-Like Behaviors

1. Anxiety

Anxiety makes it hard to focus, pay attention, and follow directions. Additional input is hard to process if your mind is already whirling with worries.

You may want to look into this if your child doesn’t have the typical hyperactive behaviors, but was diagnosed because of the attention-deficit part of ADHD.

2. Sensory Processing Disorder (Specifically Sensory-Seeking)

It can be tricky to tell the difference between ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. When a kid has a Sensory Processing Disorder, particularly if they’re a sensory-seeking child, they are lacking enough input on their body to tell it that they’re grounded in place. This can make them (literally) look like they’re bouncing off the wall, and they can look pretty hyperactive.

You may want to rule this diagnosis out if you have a child who can focus, but is high-energy. At this moment in time, I would recommend seeking an opinion from an OT (Occupational Therapist) since they tend to be more familiar with sensory issues than many mental health clinicians.

3. Giftedness

When kids understand the concept in 5 minutes, but the teacher spends an hour teaching, you have a recipe for boredom and lack of focus. Which can make these kids look like they have ADHD. Additionally, gifted children tend to have high (although not quite hyper) levels of energy.

These kids absolutely get misdiagnosed with ADHD. And instead of being given the education they need, they get medicated.

Black and Hispanic children are severely underrepresented in gifted programs in schools. And yet Black children are diagnosed with ADHD more often than white children, which should be a red flag.

I believe this study from the American Educational Research Association hits the nail on the head with the explanation, “What a teacher may attribute to precocity for one student may be considered disruptive behavior for another.” Of course, there are also many other variables, like access to quality education, socio-economic status, and adverse childhood events (more on that later) but don’t think the perceptions of those in charge should be discounted.  For more, here’s a great article about nurturing gifted children of color.

4. Poor Diet/Lack of Exercise or Free Time Outside

Let me start by saying, in no way do I mean to sound blaming with this one. But kids have small bodies, and they can have bigger responses to smaller doses of sugar, etc. Before you put a kid on medication, it might be worth looking at how much excess sugar, pop and caffeine they’re consuming.

Free time, especially non-structured time outside, is also critical. Kids need a chance to move their bodies. If you’re noticing an increase in hyperactive behavior during the months you stay the most indoors, this is an explanation worth exploring.

5. Learning Disorders

Non-verbal learning disorders (like dyslexia/dysgraphia/dyscalculia/slow-processing disorder) can create challenges when asked to focus at school. If you’re struggling to read the words or numbers in front of you, or you just can’t make the words come out of your pencil, chances are you’re going to lose focus and not want to pay much attention.

This could be the case if you didn’t see any signs of ADHD at home, and school was the first place it was noticed. If you think your child might have a learning disability, here are some additional steps you can take.

5. Auditory Processing Disorder

Kids with Auditory Processing Disorder have a difficult time taking in verbal instructions. They may also have a delay in responding to questions, which can make it seem like they’re not paying attention. This leads to the appearance of being inattentive, or even actual inattentiveness because it’s a challenge to pay attention. 

You may want to talk to the school psychologist about this if ADHD is being suggested as a diagnosis, but you’re not seeing much impulsivity (because all kids are a little impulsive) or hyperactivity.

6. PTSD/Stress Disorders

As much as we’d all like to think of childhood as this really idyllic, safe, wonderful time, it’s an unfortunate truth that many kids experience stressful- and even violent- events during their childhood. 

If you’re constantly stressed and in fight-or-flight (or freeze) mode, it’s hard to focus. You may also have additional energy to burn off from all the adrenaline. You may have also developed coping skills that would distract others before conflict could arise (which may appear as some ‘class clown’ type of behavior). 

Additionally, kids who live in poverty have higher incidents of adverse childhood events– most of which could be considered trigger events for PTSD. This mimics the impact of poverty on the rate of ADHD diagnosis. 

My Child Has An ADHD Diagnosis. Why Should I Mess With It?

First, let me assume you’ve read this far because you’re truly wondering if your child has ADHD. We both know that pursuing a new/additional diagnosis can be time-consuming, expensive, exhausting and even heart-breaking.

But you know your child better than anyone. Trust yourself, and follow your parenting instincts. The worst case scenario is that you don’t find any other explanation, but you get to know that you are a great advocate for your child and you tried your best. At best, you find a more correct diagnosis for your kid.

The right diagnosis can open the door to the right treatment. Seeking the most complete information about your child is a form of advocacy. And it shows your kid that you won’t stop fighting for them.

It’s important to note that ADHD can occur in addition to many of the previously discussed disorders/explanations. It is possible that you could come away from investigating this more closely with two diagnoses; the ADHD + something else. But if you have the flu and a broken leg, you’re going to want treatment for both. Not just one, and hope the other resolves on it’s own.

Does My Child Have ADHD? Getting Second Opinions

You know your child better than anyone. After educating yourself about the symptoms and what it may look like in your kid, if you still don’t think ADHD is the answer, you may want to consider a second opinion.

If you have a therapist, doctor or counselor who balks at the idea that it’s anything but ADHD, try getting another assessment from someone else. At the very minimum, they should be willing to explore and rule other diagnoses out. A good clinician will always be open to exploring and improving their diagnosis to find the answer to whether or not your child has ADHD.

So if your child has an ADHD diagnosis that isn’t sitting right with you, do some self-reflection and figure out why.

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28 Fun & Easy Summer Activities {Free Printable}

Great Summer Activities for Kids = Great Summer Memories

Kids laughing together with neighborhood friends, running through sprinklers, glasses of lemonade. Those are the images of summer I hope for.

Needless to say, 2020 is going to be a little different.

But kids still deserve to have a great summer full of wonderful memories- and you deserve some simplicity with these easy summer activities for kids. 

28 Easy Summer Activities for Kids

Even during typical summers, kids are saying, “I’m bored” a week after school ends. These ideas can make summer more fun for you and your kids, while staying safe and socially distant this summer. Bonus- not a single video game is included! 

Each of these ideas is in it’s most basic, simplest form. For example, “water play.” That way it’s most easily tailored to what you have around the house- whether that’s a pool, sprinkler, squirt guns, water table or water balloons. 

Outdoor Summer Activities for Kids

  • Water play (water tables, slip & slides, sprinklers, pools, squirt guns, water balloons, etc. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Water is just fun!)
  • Build a fort out of natural materials
  • Check out a field guide for birds from the library, and go bird-watching
  • Have your own family Olympics
  • Blow giant bubbles
  • Go on scavenger hunts. To make it simple for yourself, have the kids come up with the list of what they’re looking for!
  • Take plenty of nature walks
  • Go stargazing, maybe even bring a guide (book or app!) to identify constellations
  • Create an obstacle course
  • Have a family field day with games like 3-legged race, potato sack race, and water-balloon toss
  • Plant something and care for it all summer
  • Take indoor toys outside for an afternoon
  • Learn to fix a bike
  • Play outdoor yard games, like cornhole, ladder golf, badminton, and volleyball (I’ve heard of families who don’t use a net, and just try to volley the ball back and forth as many times as possible!)
  • Build a rain barrel
  • Go ‘creeking’ (walking in a shallow creek)

Indoor Summer Activities for Kids

And here are some indoor options, too. These are for those rainy/stormy/too hot days when you’re still stuck inside.

  • Try a new craft to learn together
  • Watch an old “classic” movie
  • Write letters to friends/find a pen pal
  • Have a family party, complete with Minute-to-win-it games and dessert
  • Re-arrange, or redecorate (with stuff you already own) a kids bedroom
  • Make your own puppets and put on a puppet show
  • Make a meal for a neighbor
  • Pick names and secretly do something nice for that person (kind of a twist on Secret Santa, but not necessarily gifts!)
  • Create a family flag or crest- great for Flag Day or Independence Day
  • Create a time capsule
  • Put shaving cream or whipped cream on a baking sheet and have fun playing in it!

Grab the Free Printable

These 28 fun summer activities for the family are also available as a pdf so you can print them and keep them around for those “I’m bored” moments.

You may also be interested in the summer activity bingo card. There are a handful of different games and ideas on there, and it’s in a fun format to challenge your kids to do an extra activity per week (or day!).

Recent Posts

Autism and Wandering: 13 Tips to Keep Kids Safe

Wandering. Eloping. Running. Whatever you call it- it’s a terrifying part of many kid’s lies. Most commonly, it can impact kids with Autism, but it can also affect kids with other special needs, and even ADHD.

Strategies to keep kids with ADHD, Special Needs, and Autism from Wandering

The strategies to address wandering are unique, because this behavior is such a huge safety risk. While you’re trying to work with your kid on resisting this urge, you’re also going to need to put every measure possible in place to ensure their safety. 

Kid-Based Solutions for Wandering:

  • Develop a routine path for common trips, (like home to school) so if their body starts going on auto-pilot, they’ll know where they are when they start paying attention again. 
  • Use visual stories about how dangerous wandering can be
  • Emphasize the need for the buddy system. Help them identify who can be a buddy, and how to ask.
  • Help identify why they may be wandering. This can help you know when the likelihood for wandering may increase, and may alert you to where they’re going.
    • Parents of kids on the autism spectrum report some of the most common reasons for wandering as:
      • Enjoying running, and exploring new things
      • Desire to be at their favorite place
      • The need to escape an anxious situation 
      • The strong desire to pursue a special topic of interest (like trains, cars, etc.)
      • Trying to avoid an uncomfortable sensory stimuli

Parent & Community-Based Solutions for Wandering:

  • Consider a GPS bracelet, especially a water-proof one. It is possible that your insurance, or a local grant, may cover this, and you may want to ask your pediatrician, or even the local police department, about recommendations.
  • There are trackers, like AngelSense, which will allow you to locate your child and monitor their GPS location.
  • Consider that this is not a kid who can be out of your sight yet- create a plan for how you get a chance to shower, take care of yourself, make dinner, etc., while your kid is still monitored.
  • Install chime alerts on the doors and windows in your house to give you a heads up if a child is eloping.
  • Provide them with wearable ID.
  • Think about making the local police department aware of your child’s tendency toward this behavior. Provide them with up to date pictures, and your contact information.
  • Develop a plan to prevent wandering at school, and a recovery plan, in case the worst happens.
  • Alert neighbors to alert you if they see him/her walking alone.
  • Many kids who wander are drawn towards water, since it can be so calming. Identify bodies of water (drainage ponds, pools, wells, lakes, etc) near you as first places to check. If you are very tied into your community, you may even know people near those locations and can set-up a sort of alert system with them as a first step for where to check if your child is missing. 

Autism Wandering Devices

One tracking device that consistently rises to the top is AngelSense. It’s a device that can be worn, and allow the parent to access from their phone- and you can even hear what’s going on from the ‘walkie talkie’ function!

The device can be worn in pockets, or even in special undershirts so it can’t be removed.

One of the best benefits of the AngelSense, when it comes to kids with autism wandering off, is the GPS locator, which is specific enough to find a kid in a certain area of a large school campus. There’s also an alarm that a parent can set-off remotely to alert adults or authorities in the area that your child may be in danger. (It’s also come in handy for kids who like to play ‘hide-and-seek’ with school staff- without letting anyone know.

Here’s more about what parents have to say about AngelSense.

Can I Completely Prevent My Kid From Wandering?

Unfortunately, completely preventing elopement is unlikely. The real goals here are to a) prevent it when possible, and b) catching it as soon as possible to avoid/reduce the negative consequences.

Being prepared is the best way to handle any emergency.

There’s a lot you can do to get prepared, but a good place to start would be to find the easiest step to put into place, and start with one step per week (or day if you’re ambitious). Then choose the 2nd easiest, and so on, working up to the most challenging option for you.

If it seems like too much to think about right now, I would encourage you to save this article for later.

Looking for more practical fixes?

Create New Family Traditions in 15 Minutes (Or Less!)

Why Are Family Traditions So Important?

In short, because they anchor us. Family traditions give us a sense of place and time. They take us from just knowing that it’s Christmas, or the 4th of July, or Friday night, to experiencing it. 

Have you ever had a holiday where you didn’t do what you normally do? Maybe you went on vacation instead of to Grandma’s house. I’ll bet anything that you (or someone next to you) said, “It just doesn’t feel like Christmas this year.” 

That is the power of family traditions.

They create a sense of order within the year. And they help us continue to look forward to the next thing! 

Are Family Traditions Only for Holidays?

No! Family traditions are usually associated with the big holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but you can have traditions for every day of the week if you wanted!

Some examples of how to build family traditions into your weekly life would be Friday-night-pizza-night, or having family game night on Sunday evenings. Even week-night dinners can turn into family traditions!

Of course, there are also birthdays, and smaller holidays, like Valentine’s Day or Father’s Day, that lend themselves pretty naturally to family traditions, as well.

Family Traditions and Childhood Memories

Family traditions may be the easiest way to hardwire happy childhood memories into your kids. 

Human memory is endlessly fascinating, but in general, we tend to remember the things that either happened all the time or the things that are so unique and important (for better or for worse) that they leave an indelible imprint on our minds.  

Family traditions can actually hit both those categories. A simple tradition, like singing “Happy Birthday” can be something that happens all the time (like at every birthday) and something that is unique and important (think of how special you feel when everyone is singing to you on your birthday, especially as a kid!).

Memory and the 5 Senses

Our 5 senses are also very important in creating those memories. When something happens to heighten our senses, it tends to alert our minds that something important is going on. It also creates additional ‘points’ on our ‘memory maps’ (aka neural networks) that help strengthen the staying power of that memory.

So it would make sense that a childhood memory that goes beyond the base of making an emotional connection would become more likely to stick around for the long-term. Playing a game with your family can be a great memory. But if there’s some music in the background, laughter, or even the smell of homemade cookies in the oven? And if you do that weekly? That’s the recipe for a long-term memory- and your kid remembering their childhood as a happy one.

How to Start New Family Traditions

Using this free printable, and the examples of family traditions below can make it easy.

Create a Family Tradition in Just 15 Minutes

Grab a timer and a notebook. Let’s go!

Minutes 0:00-2:00- Who 

Who is this family tradition for? Is it everyone, or is it just one parent and one of the kids? Maybe it’s for the whole extended family. Deciding who will be involved will set the stage for the rest of the family tradition.

Example: This tradition is about the kids- either or both parents will be just fine.

Minutes 2:01-4:00- When and Where

Is this going to be a daily, weekly or holiday/event-based tradition? Or maybe it’s more on an as-needed basis?  Then choose where this will occur. Knowing whether this is something that you want to occur in the kid’s bedroom, the car or the kitchen will determine a lot about how many other factors you can incorporate.

Example: This is going to be a tradition around coming home from school and transitioning to the evening. I’m not sure I’ll have enough bandwidth to do this every day, so I’m going to start with just Friday after-school. This will generally be at home, although it could vary on special occasions.

Minutes 4:01-6:00: Taste

Will there be a taste specifically associated with this tradition? This would definitely be the category to consider if your family tradition will include food (like birthday cake!).

Example: I’d love to have a ‘predictable’ treat, but balance it with something healthy. Cheese and crackers are an easy treat, and maybe even have a bowl of m&ms out, too! 

Minutes 6:01-8:00: Touch

Touch can mean so many things! Touch can include anything from a sprinkler, to a hug to a sensory bin. Is there a specific blanket, or even a secret handshake involved in this family tradition? 

Example: A big bear hug is going to be part of this tradition- and mandatory if they want candy! (I’m only sorta kidding!) 

Minutes 8:01-10:00: Smell

Smells are the sense that is most closely associated with our memory, because the olfactory bulb (aka the smell center in the brain) is physically the closest to the hippocampus, where memory is processed and stored. Although it can be a weird thing to spend a minute thinking about, try not to overlook it just for that sake.

Example: I could make cookies every week, but honestly that sounds like it could be too much of a commitment for me. I’m more likely to buy a certain scent of a candle, and only have it lit on Friday afternoons.

Minutes 10:01-12:00: Sight

Sight is where you can include any decorations you might put up. You can also consider what the lighting might be like- dim for bedtimes, pitch-black for movie nights, and natural lighting for outdoor activities!

Example: For a weekly Friday-fun-day I’m not planning to have any decorations. Maybe eventually I’ll pick a certain bowl and or plate in my cupboard, or a fun one from a thrift store, and have it be the official snack-plate and/or candy bowl of Fun Fridays.

Minutes 12:01-14:00: Hear

I love using the senses as a way to guide your thoughts about starting new family traditions because it’s such a wide-open guideline! ‘Hearing’ is no different! Whether it’s a question (like “what are you thankful for?” during Thanksgiving dinner) or certain music (Christmas, anyone?), incorporating it into your family traditions can lead to even stronger memories.

Example: My kids aren’t natural ‘talkers’, so to help draw them out, I’d like to start with questions. We could either do the standard, “What was the best and worst part of your week?” or we could use our box of dinner questions. Maybe I’ll eventually get around to making a playlist of some upbeat oldies I know they won’t hear anywhere else.

Minute 14:01-15:00: Bring it all together

Take a (literal) minute to review everything you wrote down, and bring it all together. Pick one or two things to start with, and then build it up from there! Star those, and then you can even write dates (like 1 month from now, next year, whatever works for you) so that you know you’ll be back for it. 

Example: I’m coming up with a Fun Friday for my kids to highlight the transition home from school for the weekend. We’ll have a simple snack of cheese and crackers, with a special treat (like bagged candy), and everyone will get a big bear hug when they come home. Everyone can share their highlights and low points from the week.

Once I get that going strong, I’ll get a candle and light it just on Fridays (like in the kitchen, not like I’m trying to set a mood or something). I’ll also keep my eyes open for a snack plate/candy bowl. And maybe make a fun playlist when I have some downtime! 

The Importance of Family Traditions

Family traditions are one of the best tools you have to create that indescribable sense of family.

Traditions give a kid a sense of time within the year, and keep them looking forward to the small things. They also build a sense of place for them within the family, and help them feel like they are rooted and belong. And as a bonus- they keep that childhood energy alive for you, too!

In short, “The traditions we create today will be the memories our children cherish in the future.”

What family traditions do you have? Are there any you’re excited to start? Leave your comments below!

A Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

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A Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

It’s 6:45 am, and I can hear him screaming 2 floors away. I grumble, set down my coffee, and make a sarcastic remark about “another great day” as I head up the stairs to sort this out. 

Anxiety has destroyed the peace in my house.

OK, I have 3 boys. Maybe not the peace. But definitely the joy. 

What wouldn’t I give to start the day with happiness? With little smiling faces coming down the stairs? 

Instead, I see little faces who have already lost the battle with control and overwhelm, and can’t bear for me to even say good morning to them.

Managing Anxiety In Kids Under 10

In my experience, managing anxiety, especially childhood anxiety, is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm. When you have anxiety, you have the sense that you can’t control anything.

Which can be a big problem, because kids don’t naturally have a lot of control.

One easy way to give that control back to them is to give them specific times and tasks that they can assert their independence. Not only will this help them gain a bit of control- it’s completely developmentally appropriate! 

[bctt tweet=”Managing childhood anxiety is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm” prompt=”tell a friend”]

The Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

Let them choose what to wear.

The specific solution I’m sharing today is letting your kid choose what to wear in the morning (or the evening for pjs) and then dress themselves. And the nice thing about this task is that, for as long as your kid is wearing those clothes, they are a reminder that they were able to make a choice for themselves. 

Even kids as young as 2 can choose their clothes! And it gives them such a sense of satisfaction. Has your kid even come to you, fully dressed in the morning, with that look of pride on their face? The look that says, “Hey, I’m awesome, Mom! Look what amazing thing I did!”

And while that look definitely wears off for slightly older kids, they still love the chance to start expressing themselves and their personal choices.

Yes, your kid may decide to wear plaid and stripes together, or may decide that a neon orange athletic shirt is a great look under a button-down. As long as they’re dressed appropriately for the weather,  just think of it as a chance to choose your battles. 😉

Clothes Can Cause More Anxiety

Unfortunately, sometimes the clothes can be more of a struggle than a solution. A kid with anxiety can easily get overwhelmed if there could be too many choices.

Or a child with perfectionist tendencies may get stuck, doubting their ability to match something. 

Maybe the clothes are uncomfortable for your kid, and there are weird seams or tags they need to avoid. (It’s not uncommon for kids with anxiety to also have sensory issues.) And some clothes have graphics that are just downright scary to kids. 

Whatever the reason, one of the ways to help children with anxiety is to create a personal uniform, using only the basics they reliably wear.

“Uniforms” Are An Easy Way to Help Children With Anxiety

A lot of people tend to think of uniforms as a restrictive thing, but since this is a personal uniform, created around your specific child that you have complete control over, I tend to think of it as hitting the sweet spot to fight childhood anxiety. It really is one of the simplest ideas to help children with anxiety.

First, the clothes are based on what your kid already likes, so they have control.

Second, the options are limited, so they’re not overwhelmed every time they open the dresser or closet.

“Uniform” examples

In my house, pocket t-shirts are a big hit. (I don’t personally get it, but they unquestionably make my son happy, so I roll with it!) So, in the summer, we can do solid pocket t-shirts, plus neutral shorts. 

Keeping it to the basics helps with the matching aspect so I don’t have to send kids back upstairs to change, creating frustration for everyone. In the winter, we really don’t mess around with too many layers. So, it’s jeans and plain long-sleeves to keep the choices, and the overwhelm to a minimum.

 

Where We Find the Basics

We stumbled into Primary a few years ago when we were creating a homemade “green ninja” costume for my then 6-year-old. And at that point, it felt close to a miracle to find plain, green pajamas in a size 7! 

I love Primary’s mission to create clothes that don’t say nonsense like, “I’m too pretty for math” or have a million graphics on them. Just because my kids tend to be on the big side, that doesn’t mean they should have to wear clothes with designs meant for boys 2-3 years older than they actually are. I just want my 4-year-old to look like a 4-year-old? You know? (OK, rant over!)

Primary’s quality of fabric is awesome, which means I can hand these bad boys down for yeeeaaaars. And they’re the basics, so they never go out of style. Which is good, because we’re part of an 8 boy hand-me-down chain. I’ve come to realize that investing a little more for the oldest one saves me a ton of money. 

Some of my favorites for the uniforms for boys are:

(sorry- mom of all boys here, not trying to be biased. It’s just what I know! There are tons of cute options for girls, too!) 

Managing Childhood Anxiety With A Uniform

Trust me, I am absolutely aware that this is not a complete solution. Still, anytime you can use a simple idea to help children with anxiety have control and reduce their overwhelm -it’s a win in my book!

That’s what easy wins are good for. Taking the edge off, and building momentum. And really, if you’re a parent of a kid with anxiety, what wouldn’t you do to start the day right with your child? 

 

Is this something you’ve already tried out? Share what sort of uniform works for your kid in the comments below!

About Alex

Alex is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

7 Games to Get Kids to Open Up and Talk to You

7 Games and Activities to Get Kids to Open Up and Talk to You

I’ve been using games to get kids to open up for over a decade now. And let me tell you- they work!

It’s pretty much a guarantee that I will ask myself on a daily basis, “How can I communicate better with my son?” (I have 3 boys, so communication always needs to be tweaked with someone.)

Exhibit A- I used to go in and pick my 4-year-old up from preschool. I’d hear all about his day from the teachers, and find out about what crafts they made or what books they read. Then we would get back in the car to go home.

“How are you, sweetie? How was preschool? Did you have a good time?”

“Mom that’s too many questions!”

That’s literally what my 4-year-old said to me. “That’s too many questions.” 3 questions was too many.

He’s never been what you might call a ‘talker.’ But I knew right then that this was truly going to be an uphill battle just to stay informed about what was going on in his life.

And as a family therapist, this drives me particularly nuts. I talk to kids for a living! So I thought I’d have it all figured out with my own kids. HA! Luckily, as a therapist, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. There are LOTS of games to get kids to open up!

Communication is Key

True, some kids just don’t like to talk. But that doesn’t mean that we’re free as parents to not communicate with them. In fact, I believe it raises the stakes on the need for communication.

As a parent, it’s my responsibility to know about the basics of what’s going on in his life. So when he’s four, that means knowing what he did at preschool. I need to know who he’s playing with at free-time, and how he’s getting along with his teachers, and generally what he’s learning so I can help supplement when (or if) necessary. The things I’ll need to know about him will change as he grows and becomes more independent, and as my role in his life slowly shifts.

I also see it as my responsibility to be the best parent I can be for him. Which means being responsive to his needs and connecting with him. And it’s nearly impossible to connect with a kid (or anyone!) who won’t open up to you! Seriously, if you asked, “So tell me about your day,” and the guy answered, “It was ok,” how long would that date last?!

Being responsive to our kids is one of the basic measures of being an Authoritative parent. It’s pretty much the gold standard of parenting, and backed-up with lots of research. You might want to check out this article if you want to learn more about Authoritative parenting.

How Do I Get My Kid to Talk to Me?

So how do you get your kids to actually talk to you? Fair question. Let’s start by setting ourselves up for success.

1. Don’t Require Eye-Contact When Talking About Big Things

Kids can often struggle with face to face conversation, especially if they’re more introverted, have a history of trauma, or have diagnoses like Depression, ADHD, Anxiety or Autism. But it can be tough for any kid to look a parent in the eye, especially when having conversations about ‘big’ things. (Their definition will vary from yours.) So don’t make it a requirement here if you can help it.

2. Know Their Development

It’s critical to know what your child is capable of understanding and discussing. Kids with various developmental delays may also have a delay in metacognition (thinking about thinking). So they may truly struggle to answer the question, “What were you thinking about when that happened?” Kids with ADHD will struggle to focus on the conversation for a long period of time.

Know your kid, and what they’re capable of. If you’re unsure, you can do a quick Google search, or talk to your pediatrician about it. You can get a PhD in child cognitive development, so I can’t even begin to do it justice here.

Games and Activities to Get Your Kid to Talk To You

These games are so simple, it’s easy to overlook their power. Some of them are games in the typical sense of the word, and some of these are ways to turn the conversation (or your approach to it) itself into a game!

1. Try Having a Conversation with Them While They’re in the Car

This is a time-tested ‘game.’ Chances are that your parents may have even used it on you! Simply starting the conversation in the car takes away your kid’s concern about seeing your reaction when they tell you something. So it’s much easier for them to open up that way!

2. Don’t Talk About Them

Start by talking about someone else; take the roundabout path, don’t direct the conversation AT them. Try asking a question like, “I haven’t heard about your friend in a while- how are they doing?” If you let them steer the conversation, starting from a non-threatening place, it might just wind up back where you were hoping. Warning- this option is kind of a long-game.

3. Talk Over Card Games and Easy Board Games

Chances are, these are the ones already in your cupboard. You want to choose ones that don’t take a lot of mental bandwidth so that your kid can think about the game AND be able to talk to you still. Board games like Trouble or Chutes and Ladders are great for this. So are card games like Go Fish or War. (These card holders make it so much easier for little hands, or limited fine motors skills to play along!)

4. Let Your Kid Fidget with Something

Letting your child fuss with something in their hands while they talk is a great strategy to help kids open up. A fidget, clay, theraputty, or play-doh or can serve two functions. First, it’ll help draw the eye-contact away, which helps with potentially awkward conversations. Second, it helps occupy that impulsive or distractable part of the brain, which means your child might actually be able to attend to what you’re saying!

5. 20 Questions

An oldie, but a goodie, for a reason. If you’re really trying to get them to open up about a specific topic, like, how to get your child to talk about school, this is a great game to play. You can start with a broad question- something like, “What was your favorite part of school today?” And if you’re like most parents of reluctant talkers, you’ll get a response of anything from “I dunno” to complete silence. Then, just ask if you can turn it into a fun game of 20 Questions! (Or even 10 Questions depending on their attention and development level!) The best part is that you’ll get collateral information while you’re on your way to finding out the answer!

6. Turn Dinner Into A Game

To say that talking to our kids about school is like pulling teeth is an understatement. Our older son is extremely private, and all information is deemed to be either something we ‘should’ already know, or something we don’t need to know. Our other kids are both receiving speech therapy- so I completely understand what it’s like to sit at a table with people who won’t- or can’t- talk to you!

Using “Dinner Questions” -at least that’s what we call them in our house- has been a really nice way to communicate with our boys. I think there’s something about the fact that the questions don’t technically come from mom and dad that they appreciate. My husband and I take turns answering the questions, too- which I think contributes to the draw of the dinner questions.   (Here’s a link to the ones we have in our home- they’ve been good for an age range of about 4 -5 and older.)

We also instituted the “Roses and Thorns” (basically, what were the good or bad parts of your day) question at dinner time, which has gone surprisingly well. The four-year-old can’t quite answer such an open-ended question. But the 8-year-old has been really open with us! Even to the point of letting us know about friend troubles I’m confident we never would’ve learned about otherwise.

7. Using a Mom and Me Journal

I’m totally saving the best for last here. I absolutely LOVE journaling as a communication tool. And there are so many formats you could use that will help your child open up. It could be as simple as having a composition notebook that you pass back and forth. Or you could use a journal with prompts to get the creative juices flowing. You could choose to write about your days, or write fictional stories together. The options are truly endless!

Thoughts on Using Games to Get Kids to Open Up

A kid’s job is to play. The more we ‘gameify’ things, the more we are reaching down to their level to connect. Play and imagination are so real and so necessary to their development that it’s often the best place to find out about what’s really going on in their lives. It’s why there’s an entire branch of therapy dedicated to play! (ie: play therapy)

So when you use one of the activities or games to help your kid open up and talk to you, you’re sending a signal of unconditional acceptance to your kiddo; that you’ll meet them where they are. Not to mention, you’re also doing some very smart parenting! And when they feel connected to you, and you feel good about your parenting, the communication is only going to keep flowing!

If you’d like to receive weekly tips, resources and advice about parenting kids with challenging behaviors, please make sure to sign-up for my newsletter below! (And make sure to look out for some great freebies! Because I love a good printable as much as the next girl!)

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How Much Quality Time Do Kids Need?

How Much Quality Time Do Kids Really Need?

Quality Time Can Come With A Lot Of Stress

There is immense pressure on us as parents to spend as much time as possible with our kids. AND to have that time filled with amazing activities and quality time.

The incredible thing is- we’re spending twice the amount of time with our kids than the parents of 1975. And it’s driving a lot of parents to the breaking point. Working parents feel stressed and guilty for not having as much time with their kids, and stay at home parents are exhausted by the endless attempt to engage with kids all day. No one is winning.

But how much quality time do we need to actually be spending with our kids per day? What if I told you that you could hack the quality time system to make it enjoyable for everyone? You can- just by zeroing in on what your kid needs, so you can drop all the extras, and ditch the stress. Wouldn’t that be the dream?! Happy kids AND happy parents!

Personally, the goal for me is to see quality time as something I want and get to do with my kid. If it’s something I’m measuring, or counting, or worrying about, I’ve missed the point.

Research on Quality Time Shows the Unexpected

This study from the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that the sheer amount of time we’re spending with our 3-11 year olds IS NOT making a difference in their outcomes. The researchers measured time moms spend with their kids- both time that moms are accessible to their kids, and times that they are engaged with them. They found no link between the amount of time (accessible OR engaged)  spent with kids and their behavioral health, emotional health, or academic performance.

Despite this research, I DO BELIEVE that quality time with our kids matters. My takeaway from all the research is that:

  • Quality is better than quantity.
  • It takes less quality time than we think to make a difference in our kids’ lives.
  • Time with dad, or both parents, is important, too.

So How Much Quality Time Do Kids Actually Need With Their Parents?

I know this is going to sound low to you, so prepare yourself. My recommendation is 30 minutes. And to do it in a low-pressure, stress-free way. It may not seem like much, especially if you’ve been pressuring yourself to put in hours a day. But releasing yourself from that stress will make this time more enjoyable, and even more beneficial to your kiddo! Here are some useful ideas to help you successfully incorporate quality time with your kid into your life.

1. Break the 30 minutes of quality time up into chunks

One way to do it would be to have 10 minutes in the morning, before work/daycare/school, 10 minutes after school/work, and 10 minutes at/after dinner.

2. Regular, daily family-life counts as quality time

IF you’re engaging with your kid, on their level, grocery shopping, family dinner, even folding the laundry can count! Quality time can absolutely be found in mundane moments of life.

3. Build Up To It

It can be hard to start any new routine, so if 30 minutes sounds like an immense amount of time that will put you over the edge, go ahead and start with 5 minutes!  Just make the minutes count!

4. You Can Give More Than 1 Kid Quality Time at Once!

If you’re engaging with everyone, it all counts. Family game night with all 4 kids? Congrats, you rockstar, you’ve just provided ALL the kids quality time at once! In the playroom with two kiddos, simultaneously playing princess tea party and trucks?! You are knocking this out of the park! Kids are watching Netflix, while you’re in the same room, but on your phone? NOT quality time. But hey, we all need some downtime, too.

Where Is This Pressure for More Quality Time Coming From, Anyway?

The truth is, we came by this stress honestly. It’s the bath-water we’ve been swimming in, and most of us don’t know any differently. But there are a few different factors that got us here. And if we know the causes of our stress and overwhelm, we can fight it more effectively.

1. Moms are viewing their children’s success differently.

In a survey asking Millennial moms what success would look like for their child, 71% responded with answers other than professional and/or academic success. “Strong, lasting, personal relationships” and “a healthy lifestyle” accounted for 23% of the responses, each. [Rounding out the answers for the 71% of moms who will measure their children’s success by something other than work or school are, “Lasting, meaningful service to others” (7%), “Artistic or creative achievement” (6%) and “A strong spiritual/religious life” (12%).]

More millennial moms are focusing on the long-term relationships and health of their kids. And it would seem logical that quality time should improve the chances that our kids have strong relationships and healthy lifestyles. So it’s an easy transition from that to the idea that “my kid’s healthy development- and later success in life- depends in large part on how much time they spend with me [their mom] and that I am unique and irreplaceable.” (Fun fact- in family research, this is called intensive mothering. I think the name says it all.) It might sound like a blessing and joy at first, but for many it can quickly end up feeling like a burden.

2. Quality time as a status symbol.

Don’t believe me? When I started research for this article, one of the first things I ran across was a CALCULATOR for measuring how much time you spend with your kids. Do you want to know the kicker? YOU COULD THEN LITERALLY COMPARE HOW YOU STACKED UP TO OTHER PARENTS!! People- we are better than that!!! Aren’t we?! When we are in contest with other parents, that’s a pretty clear indication to me that quality time is being used a measure of status. (Sorry for the rant- I’ll regain my composure soon!)

Still don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think of a mom who has the ability to spend hours with her children, creating Pinterest worthy crafts, and going on Facebook perfect vacations. What does she look like in your mind? Does she look like a fairly privileged person to you?

3. The relationships with our kids may be the most enduring of our lives.

The systemic fragility and decline of marriage, and the changing landscape of romantic relationships, now means that our relationships with our kids is quite possibly going to be more long lasting than the relationships with have with our spouses/partners. The focal relationship used to be between spouses, but now it’s often moms hyper-focusing on their kids.

4. It’s literally being marketed to us!

Think of all the Disneyland commercials, and the ads for family getaways to a-city-near-you. Think of the car commercials with the children smiling and behaving in the backseat while the family goes somewhere for some wonderful quality time together. We are constantly being told that we NEED to have quality, one-on-one time with our kids.

I’m exhausted and overwhelmed just writing that. No wonder levels of parental stress seem like they’re at an all time high! But that’s exactly what we want to avoid. Because research has shown that kids have fewer negative behaviors at school, if dads enjoy parenting more.  And kids have better general outcomes when moms have lower stress levels.

In Conclusion 

There is so much pressure on parents to “perform.” But really, it would be so much better for us (and our kids) if we all just relaxed. The research shows that we’re putting in more than enough quality time. If we just focus on trying to enjoy our kids more, the rest will follow, I promise.

If you’re ready to reduce your parenting stress, sign-up for my newsletter, where you’ll get helpful, actionable parenting tips every other week.

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About Alexandria

Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

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