Tag: Quick Tips

How I Use InstaCart To Choose My Battles

**This post contains affiliate links and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.

Happy 2020!

I love the New Year! It’s a beautiful time to start fresh, with enthusiasm, to make those changes we’ve been wanting to happen in our lives.

For me, remaining patient and present with my kids is an annual resolution (because there’s always room for improvement!). And one of the ways I try to accomplish this is by choosing my battles.

I try to let go of perfection, of housework, and of filling my schedule (and theirs!) to the brim- because I know nothing gets my anxiety going like a day filled with running from errand to errand. 

InstaCart has been a huge help for me with this.

In fact, it might be my favorite “mom hack” of all time.

The Right Tools to Accomplish Your Resolutions

I know, those are some pretty grand claims, but InstaCart has helped me get closer to my resolutions to remain present and patient by:

  • Being able to keep a running grocery list on the app. Out of vanilla? Just put it in the ‘cart’ and you don’t have to dedicate any more brain-space to it!
  • Being able to grocery shop when the kids are asleep. I make the list and place my order after everyone’s in bed! This gives me so much time back with my kids.
  • AVOIDING THE ENTIRE GROCERY STORE EXPERIENCE WITH TODDLERS (sorry for screaming- this can NOT be understated!)
    • No more getting sick because they’re licking the cart
    • They’re not begging for M&Ms
    • I don’t have to shush them in the store when they’re screaming about not getting M&Ms.
    • No more packing the diaper bag, bundling kids up, having them sweat and overheat in the store because we’ve been there so long, stopping the trip for an emergency potty break (even though everyone was told to go before we left), and hearing “are we done yet?” like we’re on a 10 hr drive, all while trying to follow a list and keep a rough tally of how much I’m spending in my head.
    • No more begging for Mac N Cheese because Olaf is on it
    • No more singing nursery rhymes in public the grocery store to keep my kids happy.

I’m very much in the camp that parenting is about our response to our kids, not their behavior. But geez, if I can avoid that potential quagmire of whiny behavior, and the deep breaths I’ll have to take to stay calm, why wouldn’t I?!

InstaCart to the Rescue

So instead of taking my kids out for a 2-hour excursion grocery shopping, I have the lovely people at InstaCart do that for us. My kids and I get to play, eat lunch, or even nap while our grocery shopping is being done.

And once the food has been delivered, there’s the added bonus that they haven’t been so burned out by shopping that they’ll actually help me unpack! (Or maybe it’s because I let them make forts out of the cereal boxes and canned food.)

InstaCart is an important parenting tool for me to remain patient and present with my kids.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s true. 

Choosing your battles isn’t just the name of the site- it’s truly a manifesto of my parenting style. And InstaCart has helped me choose one less battle each week!

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PS- I forgot to mention that InstaCart is a life-saver when you have sick kids! They’ll deliver all the Tylenol, soup and tea that you need! And you can try it risk-free with free delivery on your first order!

Free Delivery on Your First Order with Instacart!

A Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

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A Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

It’s 6:45 am, and I can hear him screaming 2 floors away. I grumble, set down my coffee, and make a sarcastic remark about “another great day” as I head up the stairs to sort this out. 

Anxiety has destroyed the peace in my house.

OK, I have 3 boys. Maybe not the peace. But definitely the joy. 

What wouldn’t I give to start the day with happiness? With little smiling faces coming down the stairs? 

Instead, I see little faces who have already lost the battle with control and overwhelm, and can’t bear for me to even say good morning to them.

Managing Anxiety In Kids Under 10

In my experience, managing anxiety, especially childhood anxiety, is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm. When you have anxiety, you have the sense that you can’t control anything.

Which can be a big problem, because kids don’t naturally have a lot of control.

One easy way to give that control back to them is to give them specific times and tasks that they can assert their independence. Not only will this help them gain a bit of control- it’s completely developmentally appropriate! 

[bctt tweet=”Managing childhood anxiety is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm” prompt=”tell a friend”]

The Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

Let them choose what to wear.

The specific solution I’m sharing today is letting your kid choose what to wear in the morning (or the evening for pjs) and then dress themselves. And the nice thing about this task is that, for as long as your kid is wearing those clothes, they are a reminder that they were able to make a choice for themselves. 

Even kids as young as 2 can choose their clothes! And it gives them such a sense of satisfaction. Has your kid even come to you, fully dressed in the morning, with that look of pride on their face? The look that says, “Hey, I’m awesome, Mom! Look what amazing thing I did!”

And while that look definitely wears off for slightly older kids, they still love the chance to start expressing themselves and their personal choices.

Yes, your kid may decide to wear plaid and stripes together, or may decide that a neon orange athletic shirt is a great look under a button-down. As long as they’re dressed appropriately for the weather,  just think of it as a chance to choose your battles. 😉

Clothes Can Cause More Anxiety

Unfortunately, sometimes the clothes can be more of a struggle than a solution. A kid with anxiety can easily get overwhelmed if there could be too many choices.

Or a child with perfectionist tendencies may get stuck, doubting their ability to match something. 

Maybe the clothes are uncomfortable for your kid, and there are weird seams or tags they need to avoid. (It’s not uncommon for kids with anxiety to also have sensory issues.) And some clothes have graphics that are just downright scary to kids. 

Whatever the reason, one of the ways to help children with anxiety is to create a personal uniform, using only the basics they reliably wear.

“Uniforms” Are An Easy Way to Help Children With Anxiety

A lot of people tend to think of uniforms as a restrictive thing, but since this is a personal uniform, created around your specific child that you have complete control over, I tend to think of it as hitting the sweet spot to fight childhood anxiety. It really is one of the simplest ideas to help children with anxiety.

First, the clothes are based on what your kid already likes, so they have control.

Second, the options are limited, so they’re not overwhelmed every time they open the dresser or closet.

“Uniform” examples

In my house, pocket t-shirts are a big hit. (I don’t personally get it, but they unquestionably make my son happy, so I roll with it!) So, in the summer, we can do solid pocket t-shirts, plus neutral shorts. 

Keeping it to the basics helps with the matching aspect so I don’t have to send kids back upstairs to change, creating frustration for everyone. In the winter, we really don’t mess around with too many layers. So, it’s jeans and plain long-sleeves to keep the choices, and the overwhelm to a minimum.

 

Where We Find the Basics

We stumbled into Primary a few years ago when we were creating a homemade “green ninja” costume for my then 6-year-old. And at that point, it felt close to a miracle to find plain, green pajamas in a size 7! 

I love Primary’s mission to create clothes that don’t say nonsense like, “I’m too pretty for math” or have a million graphics on them. Just because my kids tend to be on the big side, that doesn’t mean they should have to wear clothes with designs meant for boys 2-3 years older than they actually are. I just want my 4-year-old to look like a 4-year-old? You know? (OK, rant over!)

Primary’s quality of fabric is awesome, which means I can hand these bad boys down for yeeeaaaars. And they’re the basics, so they never go out of style. Which is good, because we’re part of an 8 boy hand-me-down chain. I’ve come to realize that investing a little more for the oldest one saves me a ton of money. 

Some of my favorites for the uniforms for boys are:

(sorry- mom of all boys here, not trying to be biased. It’s just what I know! There are tons of cute options for girls, too!) 

Managing Childhood Anxiety With A Uniform

Trust me, I am absolutely aware that this is not a complete solution. Still, anytime you can use a simple idea to help children with anxiety have control and reduce their overwhelm -it’s a win in my book!

That’s what easy wins are good for. Taking the edge off, and building momentum. And really, if you’re a parent of a kid with anxiety, what wouldn’t you do to start the day right with your child? 

 

Is this something you’ve already tried out? Share what sort of uniform works for your kid in the comments below!

About Alex

Alex is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

Stop Power Struggles With A Fun Way to Change A Kid’s Behavior

If you have a single sarcastic bone in your body, you can use this tool to prevent power struggles. It’s also a fun way to help your preschooler or toddler listen, and change their behavior. And it’s easy, and doesn’t take much effort at all!

I’m talking about reverse psychology. This little beauty is nearly magical- and you don’t even need to know Freudian Psychology to use it! 

Let’s say that you have a toddler who is a dawdler (aren’t they all?!) but you really need them to put their shoes on by themselves, quickly, while you multitask and get everything else ready.

Turn Power Struggles into Giggles
You could choose to of have a power struggle with someone less than half your size. OR you could have a happy, giggly, cooperating kid. (I know which, I’d choose, but hey, if you’re into masochism, you do you.)
So, instead of telling your kiddo, “Put your shoes on! And Mommy needs you to be quick today!” you’re going to actually tell them “Don’t put your shoes on.” 

Turn Power Struggles into Giggles

You could choose to of have a power struggle with someone less than half your size. OR you could have a happy, giggly, cooperating kid. (I know which, I’d choose, but hey, if you’re into masochism, you do you.)

Instead of telling your kiddo, “Put your shoes on! And Mommy needs you to be quick today!” you’re going to actually tell them “Don’t put your shoes on.” 

I know. Stay with me.

 

 

The Power of Marketing

Now, the trick to this is the same trick for anything toddler related. It’s ALL about the marketing. If you really want them to change their behavior, you’ve got to sell this.

Start by putting their shoes right in front of them. It’ll make it even more tempting, and less likely that they get distracted by something else. Then lay it on thick. “Sweetie, I’ll be right back to put your shoes on. I knooooow you don’t like to do it, so I don’t want you, under any circumstance, to put your shoes on. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even touch those shoes!” 

 

Be Over the Top

If they’re not giggling before you leave the room, you need to lay it on thicker. “Oh! I see you’re being suuuuch a good listener!! You are soooo good to not put those shoes on! I don’t even know what I’d do if I came back and you had them on!”

If you’re one of those awesome people who can make their eyes twinkle, you should do that while you’re saying this. We need to make sure they understand to listen to our non-verbal cues, and not the words we’re saying.

 

Mixed Messages?

Obviously, we’re sending two different messages, but that’s the great part! Don’t worry too much about it. Kids are incredibly intuitive, and they are excellent at interpreting their parents.

We’ve turned this normal, every day task into a game. So you’re building relationship with your kid, and spending quality time with them, and getting them to put their darn shoes on! It’s a win-win-win.

We’re able to stop power struggles with this because we’ve created a Catch-22 where you have all the power! You’ve told them to put on their shoes, and to NOT put on their shoes.

So, regardless of the outcome, your kid ACTUALLY LISTENED TO YOU! No more power struggle. You are firmly back in charge.

Say that Jane didn’t put her shoes on. Well then, you actually have nothing to be angry about, because she listened to you. Plus, with all the joking and giggles and smiles, it’ll be hard to be angry. 

And if she did put her shoes on, then she’s done what you wanted. We’re happy and can continue peacefully with the day!

 

Precautions

For older kids, it doesn’t work as well to be so over the top. So this is definitely a tool to use with the littler ones. 

Also, you don’t want to use this as your only behavior modification tool. But it is great for a ‘quick fix’ or for small problem times, like getting out the door. 

 

If you want to learn about other ways to help manage your kid’s behavior, and avoid power struggles, make sure to sign-up below for the weekly newsletter!

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About Alexandria

Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

How to Become a More Patient Parent

If I Just Had More Patience…

Patience is one of the most elusive things for parents. We know- without a doubt- when our patience is gone, and it never seems to be in abundant supply! We’ve been told “patience is a virtue” and heard many parents say they’re praying for more patience. And this definition of patience really says it all:

“Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”

It seems like patience is this holy grail of parenthood. Have you ever thought, “If I could just be more patient, I’d be a better mom/dad?” Or have you seen a mom at the playground and thought, “Wow. She has so much patience with her daughter. If I could do that, it would be a game changer.”

9 Steps To Becoming a More Patient Parent

The good news is that there are immediate, actionable steps you can take to grow your own patience. TODAY! (Just in case you’re feeling impatient to become more patient! Ha!)

So without further ado, here is your 2-part plan.

Part 1: Prepare Yourself

1. Know Your Own Buttons

Know your own buttons, and try to limit your kids ‘access’ to them. For example, if constant questions drive you up a wall, you can work on teaching them to look up answers themselves. If the idea of tolerating delay causes anxiety for you, plan for an extra 10, 20 or however many minutes you’ll need to allow for the inevitable.

2. Practice Good Self Care

Practice good self care. I am far from the first person to say it, but this goes back to the airplane analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping the others around you. You are no good to anyone else if you have passed out because you neglected your own mask! If you are completely exhausted I can just about guarantee you are going to have a hard time being patient with your kids. The same goes if you’re hungry, or too cold or too hot, or stressed, and the list could go on. When your resources are depleted, you have nothing left to give.

Part 2: Prepare for your specific kid

3. Know Your Kid’s Actual Development Level

Understanding what you can reasonably expect, and knowing what is beyond your child, can set you up for success. If you are constantly over demanding, you are going to get frustrated and your kid is going to overwhelmed. You’ll also want to keep in mind how any development or cognitive delays may affect their developmental level. Sure, you kid looks like they’re 7 (or even BE 7, chronologically), but they may only be functioning at a 5 year-old level. And, I promise, nothing will drive you crazier than expecting him or her to act like a 7 year old!

• If you want to brush up on developmental milestones for ages 3-11, here are a couple trusted and easy to read sites. There’s the Ages and Stages of Development from California’s Department of Education. And Stanford Children’s has a good page about The Growing Child for ages 6-12.

4. Lay Out Your Expectations and Limits

Clearly stating your expectations, and the limits, is critical. If your kid doesn’t truly understand what they’re supposed to be doing, they won’t be able to complete the task, which will try your patience.

Stating the limits beforehand helps because it takes the emotional aspect out of it. It’s just the facts!

5. Make A Plan Before You’re In Crisis Mode

If you know your kid struggles with transition, or it makes your eye start twitching when they’ve asked you the 32nd question in a row, make a plan for yourself.

Like, leave your family a ridiculous amount of time before you leave, or develop a mantra for yourself (“curiosity is good” or whatever helps you!) You can also put a limit on things like asking 32 questions. It’s great modeling to show that you need a few minutes to re-center. Or better yet, teach your kid how to use an ‘old-fashioned’ encyclopedia!

6. Give Choices

But only give choices you truly mean. Once you start practicing choices you’ll start seeing that you have so many more options than you realized.

For example, with young kids, it’s not a choice that they have to run errands with you. But you could give them the choice of which grocery cart to ride in, or they could help choose what fruit you buy (like apples vs. grapes). For older kids, it’s not a choice that they have to do their homework, but they could choose the rewarding activity they get to do afterwards in their free time (like art, music, video game, playing outside, spending special one on one time with you, etc.)

7. Be A Cheer Leader

Know that relentlessly cheering your kid on is faster than yelling. Saying, “Great job,  keep going!” is going to get a much better, and often quicker result than, “Come on, why are you going so slow?!”

8. Keep Smiling

Sometimes the simplest things are best; so keep smiling. Study after study has shown that simply smiling -even if you don’t feel happy- can trick your body into releasing chemicals in your brain which in turn actually DO make you happy. And isn’t it so much easier to be patient when you’re feeling happy?

9. Pray

Step back and pray (or meditate if that’s not your thing). Just taking a quick break, and connecting with something beyond yourself is a time-tested way to calm down and regain your patience.

The Wrap Up

I know it’s tough out there, but you can do this. Patience isn’t something you’re born with. (Think of all those crying toddlers!) It’s something we cultivate and grow. So yes, even you will be able to grow more patient over time!

Start by recognizing your own triggers, and practicing excellent self-care. Then you can work on understanding your kid, and being clear about your expectations. Make a plan! And you can use techniques like giving choices, remaining positive, and prayer to help you along the way.

I’d love to hear how any of these steps worked out for you- let me know in the comments below!

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