How To Start Teaching Impulse Control In Children
(Note: This is Part 2 in a series on impulse control in children. Click on the link for Part 1, Impulse Control Activities: Teaching The Basics, or Part 3, Impulse Control Activities for Teens)
How many times do you find yourself saying “Whhhhy did you do that?!”
If it’s too many to count, you’re probably struggling with poor impulse control in children at your house.
And to top it off, is your kid’s response your questioning “Why,” just a shoulder shrug and “I dunno.” Or, “I just wanted to”?!
It’s frustrating on a good day, and it’s downright infuriating on the others! It’s like a brick wall that blocks all further conversation, and stops your from taking any steps forward.
But even if you can’t move forward, you still have options. You can take a step back.
If your son or daughter doesn’t recognize the cause of their action, we need to address that before we’re able to move on to the action itself. I really like the analogy of teaching impulse control in children to teaching potty-training. Because A) it’s something we’ve all done with our kids, B) it’s massively based on child development, and C) even though it can be hard to teach -and learn- the payoffs are enormous.
The First Steps of Impulse Control
The steps from ‘going’ in a diaper to using a potty need to include recognizing the urge, understanding what it means, and then choosing to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. There can be different feelings behind impulsive behavior for kids; anger, anxiety, or even joy. Cognitive differences, such as ADHD, autism or developmental delays also contribute to poor impulse control in children. Kid’s developmental stage has a huge impact on impulsive behavior. Strong emotions have the ability to block out rational thought, so we need to control our emotions before we’re able to control our thoughts and actions.
So the first step is recognizing the feeling.
Steps For Better Impulse Control In Children
Maybe I should clarify, and say that the first step is really for kids to recognize the feeling AND label it. It does us no good if you’re calling something yellow, and I’m calling it green. We’ll be mixed up and confused before we can even talk about what to DO with the emotions. We need to be on the same page, and that starts with the language we use. In light of that, here are some first steps to addressing impulse control in children.
1. Sensations in the Body are the first clue
This is huge. Kids often experience feelings in their bodies before they understand their emotions. Things like upset stomachs, a dizzy head, and clenched fists are all great clues for how a kid is feeling. You might even call anger the ‘tight fist feeling’ (if that’s the actual physical response your kid has- otherwise fill in the blank) before it starts to really click in your kid’s head that the emotion they’re having is anger.
2. Use the kid’s own language
If your son or daughter says, “I feel worried” or “my stomach gets sick about getting an answer wrong at school” that’s a goldmine! Use THEIR words! When you parrot it back, just say, “I’m so sorry to hear your stomach gets sick, let’s talk about that.” You don’t have to try and translate it to “you sound like you’re anxious.” They’ll feel more understood, and accepted for who they are, if you’re taking the effort to listen to exactly what they’re saying. Which, will make them more likely to talk about it with you in the future!
3. Use Lots of Books
So your kid’s not a talker? That doesn’t mean they get to shut down the whole conversation. Don’t underestimate the power of a good book, especially for topics like impulse control in children. They can be a great tool for starting conversations, normalizing feelings, and giving kids the language to talk about what’s going on with them! Some books to check out (These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon associate I earn from qualifying purchases):
Baxter Turns Down His Buzz: A Story for Little Kids about ADHD
What Were You Thinking?: Learning To Control Your Impulses
4. Tell A short story about a friend
If you can’t find a book about a specific topic, or don’t feel like running out to the library, you can always tell a short story. Keep it short and simple, and close to your kid’s situation without being an exact duplicate. *Hint hint* The story doesn’t actually have to be about a friend. It could be your younger self, or it could be a made-up person. Or if you’re not comfortable with your story-telling skills, you could flip the script and ask your kid to tell you a story (about someone in their position) instead.
5. Talk About Feelings In Everyday Life
Tell your kid(s) how you’re feeling -while still maintaining boundaries, please- to help normalize that humans feel all kinds of emotions. There’s no wrong emotion- it’s just about what you do with it. (I.e.: Your kid is allowed to feel mad, but they’re not allowed to hit.) I like to also drive the point home with reinforcing the physical aspects of emotions. So I might tell kids, “when I get nervous or scared, my chest feels tight, like there’s an elephant sitting on it.” When I can use descriptive language like that, I’m much more likely to get them to chime in with something like, “Oh yeah!! I felt like that when I couldn’t see my mom at school pick-up!”
Start Talking About Impulse Control In Children
We can help improve impulse control in children by giving them the language to talk about it. How are you currently talking about feelings, in general, with your kid? Are you helping them make the connections? Did you think of a specific word or phrase they use, especially about impulsive behaviors?
The free printable (that you can grab right above!) has some prompts and spaces where you can write down these answers for a quick reference.
Which of these steps do you think your kid, in particular, would relate to best? Let me know in the comments below!
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Related Articles
- Impulse Control Activities: Teaching the Basics
- Impulse Control Activities for Teens
- Parenting With A Plan
- My Problem With Positive Parenting
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I love the concepts here, but our daughter (who is 14 now) still struggles with impulse control and we need some ideas that will help someone in the teenage years. Do you have any ideas? Thanks!
Thanks, Kristin! Let me pull some ideas together- but as step one, I would still pick one area where she’ll be able to get some traction as the starting place. With a 14 year old, you’ll really need her buy-in that this is something that she wants wants to work on, too. Is there a specific area where the lack of impulse control is really causing trouble?