A notebook to jot down your questions for the teachers, and their comments
I know I’m not the only one bracing myself for the worst when it comes to parent-teacher conferences.
I love my kids, but there’s a certain amount of breath-holding and worrying about what the teacher is going to say about any one of my sons.
“Mrs. Cooper, he’s that kid.”
“He’s never quiet in class, and he’s a complete disruption.”
“He can’t keep up.”
It’s easy for us to worry that we’re going to be embarrassed or feel like a failure or maybe even cry in front of this teacher! After all, we generally see the worst of their behavior, while they save their best self for the rest of the world.
What’s a parent to do?
We can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. One of the things I like to do is think about the strengths of each of my kids, because it can be a big classroom and those unique, wonderful things can go unnoticed.
Step 1 for successful parent-teacher conferences
So, step one is starting with a new perspective.
Instead of assuming the worst, I’m going in thinking about the best parts of my kids. Whatever the teacher may bring up, I will remember the strengths of my kid. If she says he’s falling behind in reading, I will remember what a tender heart he has. No, this doesn’t fix the reading problem, but it does help me to not feel so gutted when I hear the bad news.
Step 2 for successful parent-teacher conferences
The second thing I do is remember that this is a two-way conversation.
I can ask the teacher questions as well. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to come off as combative. I’m very appreciative of the incredibly difficult job that these teachers have, but I take my role as my child’s advocate seriously.
So, if I have concerns, or just questions, II try to write those down in a cheap notebook. And I’ll have each kid or each teacher on a different page with a questions I specifically want to ask. These are questions like:
Have you seen *this behavior* show up in class?
How is he reading (or fill in your concern here) compared to the beginning of the school year?
What are some additional ways I can support him at home?
Have you noticed him getting along, or not, with the other students?
Those questions are more for elementary school age, but they should help get you started.
These are usually questions I will run past or brainstorm with my husband. And I might get one more friend or sister’s opinion on it as well.
Step 3 for successful parent-teacher conferences
Don’t forget to set aside time to speak with the specials teachers, and/or the person working on interventions with your kiddo. If your child has a passion for music, chances are the music teacher may have a different view of them than their general teacher. It can be refreshing, and exciting, to learn about your kid’s growing abilities in art, music or gym! Even if you don’t think they have a particular talent in any of the specials, these teachers deliver their curriculum in a different way, which might result in a different kind of student-teacher relationship- so it’s worth hearing their perspective.
Bonus step for success!
Lastly, if I’m concerned about a specific problem behavior, I try to be proactive. For example, if they’re coming home, telling me that they’re not finishing their classwork on time, I would probably reach out to the teacher at that time, rather than wait until conferences.
(Unless it’s a particularly egregious thing, my general rule of thumb is to let it go if it happens once, and watch and see. Twice is a pattern, and at that point I’ll get involved. It helps to keep me from jumping in on every. little. thing. And, it gives my kids a bit of self-efficacy.)
I have found that by being proactive and working with the teachers there are fewer surprises at the parent-teacher conference. And when I walk in, they don’t view me as that kid’s mom. They view me as an important part of my son’s team. It doesn’t change the potential issues, but it does change the perspective.
Do you have any dread leading up to parent-teacher conferences? I’d love to hear your experiences!
It’s no secret that kids are being diagnosed with ADHD in the US more and more frequently. Depending on which study you read, somewhere between 5-11% of children across the US are diagnosed with ADHD. And there’s been an increase of over 3% in just 8 years!
BUT- it’s entirely possible that many kids who are told they have ADHD are actually being misdiagnosed.
This is because the symptoms of ADHD are well known (hyperactivity, impulsiveness, lack of focus, disorganization), so it may be one of the first diagnoses doctors have in mind. And doctors and clinicians can observe these behaviors in a relatively short amount of time, which makes it easy to use for a diagnosis.
But there are many other reasons kids may be exhibiting these behaviors most often seen with ADHD.
Does My Child Have ADHD? Maybe Not…
ADHD is not always the answer. If you’ve been told your child has ADHD, but it doesn’t seem like the best explanation for your child’s behavior, there are other explanations.
Reasons to Question Whether or Not Your Child Has ADHD:
–There is no family history of ADHD. The hereditability rate of ADHD is around 76%. This means that if there’s someone in your (biological) family with ADHD, it’s very likely that another person will have ADHD, too. However, this also works in reverse. It’s unlikely, although possible, that one person in the gene pool will just pop up with ADHD.
–You don’t see any symptoms at home. If you’re only seeing symptoms like hyperactivity or impulsivity at school, and not at home, ADHD may not be an accurate diagnosis. For a true ADHD diagnosis, symptoms need to occur across different settings. (There’s a difference between seeing a symptom and it being a problem. It’s possible that you’re able to manage the high-energy level better at home than it can be at school. So the symptoms are still occurring across settings, but they may not be as problematic in different places.)
-If your child is receiving medication, but you don’t feel like it’s working well/correctly. It could be a sign that the brain chemistry is showing that the ADHD diagnosis is wrong. (It could also just be the wrong medication for your child; make sure to speak with your prescriber before stopping any medication as some medications can have adverse effects is suddenly stopped.)
What Else Could It Be? Other Explanations for ADHD-Like Behaviors
1. Anxiety
Anxiety makes it hard to focus, pay attention, and follow directions. Additional input is hard to process if your mind is already whirling with worries.
You may want to look into this if your child doesn’t have the typical hyperactive behaviors, but was diagnosed because of the attention-deficit part of ADHD.
It can be tricky to tell the difference between ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. When a kid has a Sensory Processing Disorder, particularly if they’re a sensory-seeking child, they are lacking enough input on their body to tell it that they’re grounded in place. This can make them (literally) look like they’re bouncing off the wall, and they can look pretty hyperactive.
You may want to rule this diagnosis out if you have a child who can focus, but is high-energy. At this moment in time, I would recommend seeking an opinion from an OT (Occupational Therapist) since they tend to be more familiar with sensory issues than many mental health clinicians.
3. Giftedness
When kids understand the concept in 5 minutes, but the teacher spends an hour teaching, you have a recipe for boredom and lack of focus. Which can make these kids look like they have ADHD. Additionally, gifted children tend to have high (although not quite hyper) levels of energy.
These kids absolutely get misdiagnosed with ADHD. And instead of being given the education they need, they get medicated.
I believe thisstudy from the American Educational Research Associationhits the nail on the head with the explanation, “What a teacher may attribute to precocity for one student may be considered disruptive behavior for another.” Of course, there are also many other variables, like access to quality education, socio-economic status, and adverse childhood events (more on that later) but don’t think the perceptions of those in charge should be discounted. For more, here’s a great article aboutnurturing gifted children of color.
4. Poor Diet/Lack of Exercise or Free Time Outside
Let me start by saying, in no way do I mean to sound blaming with this one. But kids have small bodies, and they can have bigger responses to smaller doses of sugar, etc. Before you put a kid on medication, it might be worth looking at how much excess sugar, pop and caffeine they’re consuming.
Free time, especially non-structured time outside, is also critical. Kids need a chance to move their bodies. If you’re noticing an increase in hyperactive behavior during the months you stay the most indoors, this is an explanation worth exploring.
5. Learning Disorders
Non-verbal learning disorders (like dyslexia/dysgraphia/dyscalculia/slow-processing disorder) can create challenges when asked to focus at school. If you’re struggling to read the words or numbers in front of you, or you just can’t make the words come out of your pencil, chances are you’re going to lose focus and not want to pay much attention.
This could be the case if you didn’t see any signs of ADHD at home, and school was the first place it was noticed. If you think your child might have a learning disability, here are some additional steps you can take.
5. Auditory Processing Disorder
Kids with Auditory Processing Disorder have a difficult time taking in verbal instructions. They may also have a delay in responding to questions, which can make it seem like they’re not paying attention. This leads to the appearance of being inattentive, or even actual inattentiveness because it’s a challenge to pay attention.
You may want to talk to the school psychologist about this if ADHD is being suggested as a diagnosis, but you’re not seeing much impulsivity (because all kids are a little impulsive) or hyperactivity.
6. PTSD/Stress Disorders
As much as we’d all like to think of childhood as this really idyllic, safe, wonderful time, it’s an unfortunate truth that many kids experience stressful- and even violent- events during their childhood.
If you’re constantly stressed and in fight-or-flight (or freeze) mode, it’s hard to focus. You may also have additional energy to burn off from all the adrenaline. You may have also developed coping skills that would distract others before conflict could arise (which may appear as some ‘class clown’ type of behavior).
My Child Has An ADHD Diagnosis. Why Should I Mess With It?
First, let me assume you’ve read this far because you’re truly wondering if your child has ADHD. We both know that pursuing a new/additional diagnosis can be time-consuming, expensive, exhausting and even heart-breaking.
But you know your child better than anyone. Trust yourself, and follow your parenting instincts. The worst case scenario is that you don’t find any other explanation, but you get to know that you are a great advocate for your child and you tried your best. At best, you find a more correct diagnosis for your kid.
The right diagnosis can open the door to the right treatment. Seeking the most complete information about your child is a form of advocacy. And it shows your kid that you won’t stop fighting for them.
It’s important to note that ADHD can occur in addition to many of the previously discussed disorders/explanations. It is possible that you could come away from investigating this more closely with two diagnoses; the ADHD + something else. But if you have the flu and a broken leg, you’re going to want treatment for both. Not just one, and hope the other resolves on it’s own.
Does My Child Have ADHD? Getting Second Opinions
You know your child better than anyone. After educating yourself about the symptoms and what it may look like in your kid, if you still don’t think ADHD is the answer, you may want to consider a second opinion.
If you have a therapist, doctor or counselor who balks at the idea that it’s anything but ADHD, try getting another assessment from someone else. At the very minimum, they should be willing to explore and rule other diagnoses out. A good clinician will always be open to exploring and improving their diagnosis to find the answer to whether or not your child has ADHD.
So if your child has an ADHD diagnosis that isn’t sitting right with you, do some self-reflection and figure out why.
Wandering. Eloping. Running. Whatever you call it- it’s a terrifying part of many kid’s lies. Most commonly, it can impact kids with Autism, but it can also affect kids with other special needs, and even ADHD.
Strategies to keep kids with ADHD, Special Needs, and Autism from Wandering
The strategies to address wandering are unique, because this behavior is such a huge safety risk. While you’re trying to work with your kid on resisting this urge, you’re also going to need to put every measure possible in place to ensure their safety.
Kid-Based Solutions for Wandering:
Develop a routine path for common trips, (like home to school) so if their body starts going on auto-pilot, they’ll know where they are when they start paying attention again.
Use visual stories about how dangerous wandering can be
Emphasize the need for the buddy system. Help them identify who can be a buddy, and how to ask.
Help identify why they may be wandering. This can help you know when the likelihood for wandering may increase, and may alert you to where they’re going.
The strong desire to pursue a special topic of interest (like trains, cars, etc.)
Trying to avoid an uncomfortable sensory stimuli
Parent & Community-Based Solutions for Wandering:
Consider a GPS bracelet, especially a water-proof one. It is possible that your insurance, or a local grant, may cover this, and you may want to ask your pediatrician, or even the local police department, about recommendations.
There are trackers, like AngelSense, which will allow you to locate your child and monitor their GPS location.
Consider that this is not a kid who can be out of your sight yet- create a plan for how you get a chance to shower, take care of yourself, make dinner, etc., while your kid is still monitored.
Install chime alerts on the doors and windows in your house to give you a heads up if a child is eloping.
Provide them with wearable ID.
Think about making the local police department aware of your child’s tendency toward this behavior. Provide them with up to date pictures, and your contact information.
Develop a plan to prevent wandering at school, and a recovery plan, in case the worst happens.
Alert neighbors to alert you if they see him/her walking alone.
Many kids who wander are drawn towards water, since it can be so calming. Identify bodies of water (drainage ponds, pools, wells, lakes, etc) near you as first places to check. If you are very tied into your community, you may even know people near those locations and can set-up a sort of alert system with them as a first step for where to check if your child is missing.
Autism Wandering Devices
One tracking device that consistently rises to the top is AngelSense. It’s a device that can be worn, and allow the parent to access from their phone- and you can even hear what’s going on from the ‘walkie talkie’ function!
The device can be worn in pockets, or even in special undershirts so it can’t be removed.
One of the best benefits of the AngelSense, when it comes to kids with autism wandering off, is the GPS locator, which is specific enough to find a kid in a certain area of a large school campus. There’s also an alarm that a parent can set-off remotely to alert adults or authorities in the area that your child may be in danger. (It’s also come in handy for kids who like to play ‘hide-and-seek’ with school staff- without letting anyone know.
Unfortunately, completely preventing elopement is unlikely. The real goals here are to a) prevent it when possible, and b) catching it as soon as possible to avoid/reduce the negative consequences.
Being prepared is the best way to handle any emergency.
There’s a lot you can do to get prepared, but a good place to start would be to find the easiest step to put into place, and start with one step per week (or day if you’re ambitious). Then choose the 2nd easiest, and so on, working up to the most challenging option for you.
If it seems like too much to think about right now, I would encourage you to save this article for later.
It may seem like a fuzzy, broad topic, but it’s one of the most critical life-skills we need to teach our teens.
It’s not something people are born with; it’s a skill developed and honed over time.
So, if you’ve been thinking that your teenager- or kid, or pre-teen (or even you!) -needs better time management skills, there’s hope!
What Are Your Goals for Your Time?
The first step to working on time management is to figure out why you need to be working on it in the first place. If it’s just a vague fuzzy feeling that this is something they could be better at, your teen is going to have a hard time gaining the correct time management tools.
But if you know why time management matters to you, and them, it’s easier to have the motivation and drive to actually want to work on this. Because the reality is that you can have all the tools and tricks in the world, but it usually comes down to just doing the thing. AKA self-discipline. (Which is also a muscle that can be strengthened- so no fears!)
And self-discipline is much, much easier if you remember your WHY.
Common Challenges of Time Management for Teens
Typically when people look for time management skills, you get a list of things like, “wake up 15 minutes earlier” or “use a planner” and hope and cross your fingers that something will work. But there are actually a few different concrete challenges that people have with managing their time effectively.
Once you know where the problem is, it’ll be easier to find the correct solution!
Challenge #1: Knowing How Long It Takes To Do A Task
The first common problem is just knowing how long it takes to DO something. People with this challenge often over or underestimate the time they need to prep for activities, and then are constantly running late.
Have you ever eaten dinner at 8:30 because you underestimated how long it would take dinner to cook? Imagine feeling that way all the time. Teens struggling with this typically want to be able to be on time, so they end up feeling chronically frustrated, or even paralyzed because it seems like there’s just not enough time to do everything.
Time Management Tools for Teens
Start a log of how long it takes to do things like get ready in the morning, get to school, do homework, eat a meal, get to work, etc. Any activity that comes immediately before something where they’re chronically late, or something they’re routinely not finishing is a good candidate to monitor.
Keep the log for at least a week- you’ll want multiple times to be able to get an average.
Then use this information to plan better. Maybe they thought they could get ready for school in 25 minutes. But if it took anywhere between 20-45 minutes, you need to plan for 45 minutes because the consequences of arriving early are significantly less than arriving late!
Challenge #2: Getting Started
AKA task initiation. This may look like someone who’s just avoiding their work, or putting it off, or dawdling. The key to helping teens who struggle with getting started is understanding why it’s a challenge to them. Does the task seem too challenging, or too long? Maybe there is something more fun they want to be doing? Or does focus (and being easily distracted) seem to be the main problem?
Time Management Tools for Teens:
If the task is too long:
Break it into chunks and use a timer so there’s a clear, manageable time limit. You may have to start with shorter times, like 10 minutes and build from there. But this teaches your teen that they are completely capable of doing this, which will help build their confidence, self-esteem and potentially even re-wire their brain!
If the task is too challenging:
Break the task apart into smaller parts. So, the chore wouldn’t be, “Clean the bathroom” it would be “clean the toilet and sink,” “clean the tub,” “wipe down the mirror,” etc.
Is there something more fun?
Use it as a reward to motivate your teen. You may want to gently remind them about responsibilities and privileges, and that responsibilities have to come first. Of course, do that at a different time than when they’re trying to get this task started. Because then it will come off as a lecture, and we all know lecturing teens is no good!
Game-ify whatever they’re working on! ‘Beat the clock’ is the easiest option (how many problems can you do in 5 minutes, how much can you clean during this song?, etc) but the options are endless, so let your creativity shine!
Are they easily distracted?
What is the maximum attention-span of your teen to challenging work? Use that as a guide to set timers for 5 minutes of work, etc.
A healthy adult attention span (for challenging work) is shorter than you may have thought- college students average 3-5 minutes under lab conditions! The point is that you (and they!) shouldn’t feel badly about a short attention span- we’re built to constantly seek new information.
Put away the phone. Like in a completely different room. And turn off notifications on a smartwatch if they wear one.
Try some white noise to drown out all the other distractions.
Challenge #3: Having enough time in the day to get it all done
Kids and teens with this challenge generally know what needs to be done, and are capable of starting and completing the task, but they always seem to end the day with the feeling of, “I just wasn’t able to get it all done!”
Time Management Tools for Teens
Manage expectations. Use a planner, or even just a sheet of paper and some sticky notes, write down all the tasks they think need to happen. Work on spreading things out, and…
PRIORITIZE. This is one of the main problems. Everything feels important, so it’s hard to cut things out, or even place them in order. A good question to have your teen ask themself is, “what would realistically happen if I didn’t do this?”
Monitor time wasters. Screens are the most obvious examples here. You can encourage them to experiment with keeping phones, etc in a different room when they’re studying or trying to get something done.
Re-claim the lost time. I was working with a gentleman who claimed he had no time to get anything done. But we did a time audit, and found that he had an additional 2 HOURS EVERY DAY spent waiting (for transportation, and for his classes or work to begin once he got there). Once we were able to plan for what he could realistically do with that time, he was able to stop feeling like he was falling behind.
Challenge #4: Finishing the Job (Task Completion)
It was that first gorgeous day of spring, the weather was warm, it was sunny, I was a senior at college, and everyone else was outside having all the fun.
I, however, had to finish a finals paper. It was agony. The last paragraph must’ve taken an hour, and at one point I vividly remember laying at the top of my basement-bedroom stairs, half here and half there, longingly looking outside.
Dramatic? Why, yes.
But it paints the picture of someone who struggles with finishing tasks. And there are a dozen nearly finished projects around my house to prove that I start things with gusto and enthusiasm, and either get bored, frustrated, or distracted before I finish what I started.
If your teen (or you!) has a problem with just finishing the job, there are a few time management solutions for you.
Time Management Tools for Teens
Set aside extra time at the end; you know you’re going to slow down, like a car running out of gas, so plan for it.
If possible, start with the end. You can write your conclusion at the same time as your introduction!
Reframe the ‘end’ as an entirely new task in it’s own right. This is especially effective if you’re good at task initiation.
Time yourself to see how quickly you can finish the job.
Give yourself a scheduled break if you’ve been at it awhile. Scheduling the break and planning to come back is very different then quitting, and is why I think the Pomodoro Technique(essentially, work for 25 min, break for 2-3 min, work for 25, break for 2-3, etc.) can be useful!
Challenge #5: Having a plan
People without a plan are flying by the seat of their pants. They’re subject to whims, and being overly driven by their emotions (ranging from “I feel great- let’s do all the things!” to “I don’t feel like it today). They also waste a lot of time figuring out what to do next.
Develop a routine; put yourself on autopilot to save on your mental load.
Try a brain-dump. Some people freeze when they’re overwhelmed. Seeing everything written out so that you can attack it one piece at a time may help. If the list is so long that it still seems unmanageable, try re-writing it with just the top 3 priorities, OR…
Use a planner, even for non-study related activities. For “every minute spent in planning saves as many as ten minutes in execution.” So, if you spent just 10 minutes planning your day, it’ll save you more than an hour and a half! You can even leave space or time to still be spontaneous if that’s important for you. Win!
Time Management Isn’t Something We’re Born With
Time management is such a critical life skill, but for many of us it may not come naturally. The good part is that it can be taught- at any age. So to recap, here’s a summary of all the time management tools for teens (or anyone)!
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The Complete List of Time Management Tools for Teens
Track how long it takes to do a task, and then use that info for planning
Break jobs into 10-minute chunks and use a timer so there’s a clear, manageable time limit.
Use your maximum attention span for challenging tasks as a guide for how long to set the timer. Stretch it as you get better!
Break a task apart into smaller parts. So, the chore wouldn’t be, “Clean the bathroom” it would be “clean the toilet and sink,” “clean the tub,” “wipe down the mirror,” etc.
Have something ‘fun’ planned as a small reward for completing the job (or doing it on-time, etc.)
Game-ify it with games like ‘Beat the clock’ or ‘how much can you clean during this song?’ The options are endless, so let your creativity shine!
Put the phone in a completely different room, with sound and notifications off.
Manage expectations of how much can realistically be done in a day.
PRIORITIZE. Ask yourself, “does this get me closer to where I want to be?” Or on the opposite side, “what would realistically happen if I didn’t do this?”
Do a time-audit
Reclaim your ‘lost’ time
Set aside extra time at the end of a task
If possible, start with the end.
Reframe the ‘end’ as an entirely new task in it’s own right.
Use a mantra like, “I can do anything for 10 minutes.”
Give yourself a scheduled break if you’ve been at it awhile.
Try the Pomodoro Technique (essentially, work for 25 min, break for 2 min, work for 25, break for 2, etc.) using whatever time frames would be most helpful to you
Develop a routine for daily and weekly tasks.
Try a brain-dump.
Use a planner, even for non-study related activities.
Identify your most productive time of day
What is a good daily routine for a teenager?
The priority for a good daily routine for teenagers is that it needs to include 8-10 hours of sleep, and time for physical activity. Everything else will become much easier after that. Maintaining a consistent routine is also important for the routine to become habit.
How do you manage time in high school?
The best way to manage time in high school is to identify your goal, and prioritize the activities/classes that move you towards that goal. Identifying where you struggle with time management is also a key step in managing time. Planners can be a concrete way to help you see where your time is going, and relieve some anxiety because you can see that you DO have time for everything (if you truly don’t- it’s time to make some hard decisions).
How can I help my teenager with time management?
The first step is always to get them on board- you cannot manage your teenager’s time for them. From there, you’ll want to help them figure out what their biggest problem with time management is, and provide tools that match the need.
What are the best time management tools?
The best time management tools are a) planners and b) timers. These tools are flexible enough to be used how individuals would benefit the most.
Think of it this way: Your ADHD child is like a 2-liter bottle of soda-pop.
They’ve been shaken up all day at school and they’re ready to burst. You can see the plastic seams by the cap starting to expand pull apart because they want to just explode!
Everything they went through at school today- from playing with equally energetic friends to sitting still for teachers to trying their hardest to focus on a lesson- has shaken that little pop bottle more and more. And the pressure inside that plastic bottle is immense.
Without any plan in place to help them calm down, or release the pressure slowly and evenly, they will burst.
And it won’t be pretty.
Of course, some days they’ll burst before they even get home. And some days it’ll be the safety of your arms that lets them relax enough to feel safe ‘exploding’ with you.
It’s not fun for them, either. To be so out of control. To be feeling like they can’t contain themselves, and can’t put themselves back together.
So, back to the question, why would you create an after-school routine for a kid with ADHD? Because you both deserve better.
Benefits of an After School Routine for Kids With ADHD
There are so many benefits of having a strong routine or structure in your home. Especially for kids with ADHD, or lack of focus, or impulse control problems!
It can seem counter-intuitive, but kids continue to need structure when they come home from school (they seem like they need to just ‘be free’ after having structure all day). Having a predictable schedule when they come home from school can provide a smooth transition and a sense of security and safety.
Second, structure helps limit the impact of distractions and helps by pre-setting priorities throughout the day. Which are two major problems kids with poor impulse control struggle with.
So, having a before and after-school routine helps establish some guidelines for kids, and helps narrow their focus. They don’t lose time in the morning wondering if they should get dressed first, or eat breakfast first, or maybe just go ahead and turn on the TV because they’re overwhelmed and distracted by all the thoughts bumping around in their mind.
Questions & Myths About After School Routines for Kids with ADHD
Won’t it make home feel like school? Or a jail?
Structure isn’t restrictive. Think of no structure as a blank page, and structure as a coloring book. But, you’re not limited to just the picture with a coloring book; you can improvise, add things in the white space, or just color in the lines. The blank page can seem free-ing, but many kids freeze when given a blank page with zero instruction.
I’m already really busy, and this seems like an additional task I just can’t take on
It’s not hard to put a structure into place. And the nice thing is you can do it bit by bit! It’s one of those things in life where a little bit of work up-front makes your life so much easier in the long run.
I don’t want to nag my kid about one. more. thing.
If your teen or kid is struggling with impulse control, you’re already reminding them a million times a day to do (or not do) a bajillion different things. Giving your kid a routine will NOT increase what you’re reminding them about- it will give structure and predictability to what you’re telling them to do. For example, in the morning, instead of shouting, “Turn off the TV! Did you brush your hair? And your teeth? And change your underwear? Is your bed made? Did you eat breakfast?” you can use the morning routine to help trigger all those behaviors. AND, it’ll help your child learn some basic task management!
This seems like something that other families do. It wouldn’t work at my house.
First, your family CAN do this. Second- if your reasoning is that you’re too busy, you work outside the home, you have more kids than those other imaginary families, or your kid has worse ADHD, or whatever other reason makes it harder for your family to do have a schedule- I’d argue that you NEED this at your house even more. You are more than strong enough and smart enough to use a before-school and after-school routine in your home.
How to create a routine that works for your ADHD Child
There are a couple ways to go about creating a routine. For example, it can be a daily, or a weekly, routine. IE, every day at 4 I do my homework, or every Saturday morning I do my chores. However, if you’re working with a kid who has a challenge focusing, you’re more likely to have success if you start with a daily schedule.
My best suggestion is to focus on one time of the day, and avoid starting with your most challenging time. So, if the mornings are your toughest time with your kid or teen, starting with the nightly routine would make the most sense, and get you the most traction. You want to make this easy for yourself and your child!
Start with small successes and build from there!
Printable Daily & Weekly Chart for Bedtime, Before School, and After School Routines
I have a printable daily schedule template for you to use. It’s divided into three sections- morning (for before school routines), afternoon (for after-school schedules) and evening (for bedtime routines).
There’s a page of this PDF that can be used for a whole week, or you can take things day-by-day with the daily page. For kids who get overwhelmed easily, or who have a lot going on, the daily chart is a great option.
Make Routines Easy
Keep it simple! These blank printable charts make it easy to customize your daily or weekly schedules.
Hooray!!
Check your inbox in a minute or two for your free Daily/Weekly Routine printable and a quick message from me!
Use a scheduled/established homework time, when you can plan to stay close.
Work with your child’s teacher(s) to see if you can have a reasonable time-limit on homework. Some teachers go by a general guideline of 10 minutes per grade level. For example, a 3rd grader wouldn’t be expected to do more than 30 minutes of homework per night.
Have a reward (family time, playtime, a certain toy/activity becomes available) after homework.
Have some screen-free wind-down time. They can calm down by reading books, playing puzzles, or coloring.
Layout everything for the next morning
Have the same routine daily; it will start triggering their brain that it’s about time for sleep if you can help them be consistent.
Use scents or a warm shower/bath to your advantage.
Make bedtime rewarding by having it be a time you read a special book to them, or when you do snuggles, or a special ‘tuck-in’ routine.
Make sure phones/tablets/computers are charging in a different room overnight. Remove the temptation to get back out of bed!
Optional- Talk to your pediatrician about if melatonin is a good option for your kid.
Kids Thrive With Structure
Give your kid the comfort of having a before and after school routine. It’s important for all kids, but possibly even more so for kids with ADHD.
Even a loose structure or routine can help you all have a sense of order, peace, and security. Kids need to know what to expect next, and you can play a critical role in that by providing routine.
Please, share in the comments below, what’s been the best benefit for you in having a nightly, morning, or after school routine for ADHD?
So, you’ve been waiting for the day when your kid is in-tune enough with themselves to begin to take some real responsibility for their impulse control. And it’s finally here!
The only problem is that you have no idea where to get started.
Managing impulse control can look a bit like climbing a mountain when you’re getting started. It looks giant and imposing, and you might have no clue where to start.
But, just as with climbing a mountain, the path starts with putting one foot in front of the other. If you’re ready to start this journey with your kid, the Impulse Control Workbook is here to guide you!
I can’t promise it will be easy, but it will be sooooo worth it. Because the view from the top is amazing!
Who Is The Impulse Control Workbook For?
The workbook was designed for parents with kids who are struggling with impulse control. In short, it’s for parents:
Who want to help their kid develop more control over their impulsive behavior
With children who may or may not have a diagnosis of ADHD
Who have a teen or older kid who is capable of recognizing their impulsiveness
With a kid who has an identifiable problem with impulse control (ie: there is a certain area(s) of their life where their lack of impulse control is causing a problem, like blurting out answers in class, or not listening to directions at home)
Who are dreaming of a more peaceful, cohesive home
Who want their teen or older kid to have the tools to succeed, in the classroom and at life
And, who are determined to make a difference in their kid’s life.
What’s In The “Impulse Control Workbook” PDF?
This 7-page workbook takes a 3 step process to help teens (and older kids) develop greater self-control.
Section 1- Tips for Parents
The first section helps set the stage for you as the parent. In it, you’ll learn what it takes to become prepared to teach impulse control to your teen. The goal is to set you up for success, and reduce the amount of frustration and hopelessness you may feel on this journey.
Section 2- Life Skills
Next, in the second section, impulse control is broken down by category. There are different life skills that every person needs to mature into an emotionally healthy adult, like delayed gratification and stress management. Looking at impulse control through this lens helps clearly identify your teen’s strengths and weaknesses. And once you identify the life skills they need to develop better impulse control, you can zero in on how to best help them.
Section 3- Impulse Control Activities for Teens (and Older Kids!)
Lastly, this leads us to section 3- activities for impulse control for teens. This section lists out simple activities that can lead to better self-control. It’s broken down by life-skill, so they can personalize what activities make the most sense for them to work on!
Here are 2 “sneak peak” pages of the Impulse Control Workbook!
Further Reading
You might want to check out these other articles about impulse control, ADHD, and ways to make this challenging parenting journey a little more fun!
School just started back up, and you’re realizing this year that homework is now a nightmare for your kid. There are nightly tears about homework, and you’re starting to just feel drained from it all.
Or maybe your kid wouldn’t mind doing math sheets all night, if that just meant they didn’t have to do their nightly reading.
It’s obvious that for whatever reason, your kid needs help learning. You think it might be a learning disability, or would at least like to rule that out. You may even have narrowed it down, and are able to voice a specific concern like, “I think my kid might be dyslexic.”
Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out how to help your struggling student.
So how do you get help if your child has a learning disability?
Where do you go from here? You’ve read all about the signs and symptoms of learning disorders like dyscalculia, and dysgraphia.
But how do you get from reading all this information, to actually putting school interventions in place?
Here are a few steps you can take to go from having this be a suspicion of yours, to getting your child some real help in school.
1. Gather Your Evidence/Concerns
The first step to figuring out if your child has a learning disability is to put it in writing. Are you concerned about a learning problem, or a behavior problem? Both? Is one of the primary?
(It’s very common for one to mask the other. For example, if I child has dyslexia and is struggling to read, they may act out in class- either out of frustration, shame, or as a distraction.)
[bctt tweet=”It’s common for behavior problems in school to mask learning disabilities.” prompt=”tell a friend”]
What exactly are you seeing that concerns you? Be specific. For example, don’t be vague like, “Eva spent way too long on her homework every single night this week.”
Keeping notes like, “Eva cried for 20 minutes before starting her homework, saying things like, “I’m too dumb for this,” and then it took her 45 minutes to finish 10 math problems. She got 2 correct.”
2. Talk To The Teacher
Let me be clear- you are speaking with the teacher to gather his or her observations- NOT to get their blessing about whether or not you’ll continue pursuing this. It’s especially important to remember this if you have a teacher who’s dismissive of the idea that your child needs additional support.
But generally, the teachers are a wealth of information. They’ll tell you what reading or math group your kid is in, and how much extra help they’ve been needing.
They might even surprise you and say, “Oh yeah, I was planning to bring that up at our next parent-teacher conference.”
You’ll also want to ask if they’re using any interventions already.
3. Schedule an evaluation with the school psych.
Using the information you’ve gathered, you need to call the school and schedule an eval. It’s a critical step in getting an answer to the question of, “Does my kid have a learning disability?”
Just say something like, “I believe that my kid is having a problem with math, and would like her to be evaluated for a learning problem” and they’ll be able to take if from there.
YOU don’t have to have to pre-diagnose your child, you just need to clearly state the concern.
4. Wait for the eval/results.
This may be the hardest part. Try to just breathe, and remember that your kid is still the same person that you love and think is amazing, whether or not they have a diagnosis of dyscalculia or not.
Once the results come back, decide if they make sense to you. Did they test the area you were concerned about? Did they treat your family with fairness and respect?
In short, do you think the school psychologist got a clear and unbiased look at your child’s abilities?
From here, you have two choices: One, accept the result and work towards a plan. Two, seek a second opinion.
Also, even if the school said your kid doesn’t have a learning disability, that doesn’t mean you can’t create a plan to help your kid! You can develop one on your own; there are plenty of ways to address learning problems at home.
5. (Optional) Seek a second opinion.
If you don’t think the evaluation accurately represented your kid’s abilities, you can seek a second opinion.
Be warned, in the US, this is likely to get expensive because now you’re going to be looking for a private psychologist or group to do the testing. Which means you’re more than likely going to have to pay out of pocket.
It’s obviously up to you, but keep in mind that this should only be a one-time cost that you have to deal with, if that helps make this an easier pill to swallow..
6. Create a plan.
If your child received a diagnosis of learning disability, ask the professional for a plan to address this before you walk out of the room/get off the phone. At the very least, schedule a meeting to follow-up on this.
Additional tutoring, a 504 plan, an IEP, or behavioral counseling are all options for your kid that you may want to explore.
If this is your first venture into the world of IEP, my friend Laurie has written a wonderful explanation of The IEP Process for Parents. Even if you’ve dealt with IEPs or 504s before, it’s worth a refresher!
Keeping the Team Accountable
I always like to keep a ‘paper’ trail, so even if you talk on the phone or in person, you can send a quick email as a follow-up. “Just to summarize, we talked about Johnny’s school performance, and potential learning disabilities, and your thoughts were… and my thoughts were…” That type of thing.
If you’re like me, and your brain is colander on the best of days, this is also a nice way to make sure you have everything in one place when it’s time to re-evaluate.
Make sure to re-evaluate the diagnosis and results from time to time. Every quarter, report card, or just at the end of the school year are all times that make sense to do this. IEP meetings are only required to be held annually, but as the parent it’s your right to request more, if needed.
So, what do you do if you think your child has a learning disability?
It’s straight-forward- don’t ignore your gut feeling! You know your child better than anyone else. You’ve got the tools you need, now it’s time to be strong and advocate for them!
Let me know if you’re running into any roadblocks- I’m always happy to brainstorm solutions with people!
Use the Impulse Control Techniques PDF below to jump-start your kid’s self-control and impulse control skills!
Although kids with ADHD are most associated with having a lack of impulse control, (and for good reason- it’s a defining factor of the diagnosis!) ALL kids need to develop their impulse control ‘muscles.’
Impulse control isn’t something that comes naturally to many kids. And it’s something we are still working on as adults! (Think about the last time you walked past the candy jar. Or how many times you can go into Target and ONLY get the things on your list. I’m just saying, the struggle is real.)
If you’ve noticed that your kid tends to interrupt, has trouble listening to directions, or generally seems to act without thinking, these are all signs of under-developed impulse control. But it’s never too late to help your kids strengthen those impulse control muscles!
Try Out The Impulse Control Techniques PDF
This free printable is a great place to begin. You’ll get new ideas for impulse control activities for kids- that you can do today! And you’ll have a place where both you and your kid can learn about how to recognize and label the feeling of impulsivity. That’s a critical step in learning to control impulses
How to Use the “Impulse Control Techniques PDF”
You’ll notice there are 2 sections to this printable. The technique we’re using here is stunningly simple, but so effective. First, identify the problem. Second, put actions in to place to improve the problem. So let’s briefly go over each step!
1. Label and Recognize the Feelings
The first step here is to call-out and label what impulse control looks like in your kid’s life. By recognizing times when they are good at resisting impulses, and times that they are not, you can help identify their strengths and then carry those throughout the rest of their day.
2. Activities to Build Stronger Impulse Control Muscles
Now that they know what that impulsive feeling is, you’ll need to help your kid strengthen their impulse control muscles. Your kid needs a chance to slowly build up these skills. It’s not a light switch; self-regulation and self-control takes time to improve. But you can have fun getting there with these impulse control activities for kids!
Further Reading
You might want to check out these other articles about impulse control, ADHD, and ways to make this challenging parenting journey a little more fun!
If you’ve been concerned about your kid’s impulse control, try starting with the activities on this impulse control printable. Get your FREE download by using the sign-up form below.
Impulse Control Games You’ll Want To Play With Your Kid
Disclaimer- I am a member of the Amazon affiliates program. Should you make a purchase, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you.
HOW DO YOU HELP A CHILD WITH IMPULSE CONTROL?
If you really want to make a dramatic impact on your kid’s ability for impulse control, it’s something you’re going to need to work on every day.
But, a kid’s job is to play. Working on their ‘stuff’ should never feel like work. If it does, you’re doing it wrong.
So to help with that, I’ve compiled a list of board games to help keep it fun. There are some classics, but there are also some I promise you haven’t heard of before!
Incorporating Impulse Control Games Into Your Life
Here are some great ways to seamlessly incorporate these games into your life. After all, if won’t do you any good if your kids are suspicious about why you’re suddenly shoving board games in their face.
1. Add It to Your Game Rotation
If you’re already a board game type family, this should come easily! Just swap out a few games you’re already playing. Or add a few of these to your rotation of favorites.
2. Family Game Night
If you’re not big on board games in your house, try implementing a family game night. You could have Friday Family Funday! Not only is the alliteration great, it’s helpful to already have a plan for Friday night since you’ll probably be exhausted from the week. (I know I am!) Throw in a frozen pizza or two, and bam! A new family ritual is born!
3. Alternative to Screen-Time
You can also use these games an alternative to screens. Many of these games won’t require parental involvement after the first round or two (although that probably won’t stop your kids from asking you to play non-stop!). That makes it the perfect alternative to suggest when your kid’s ask if they can turn on the tv or tablet. Some of these would make a good quiet-time activity, too, if you still have little ones who nap during the day.
4. Get Kids Moving On A Rainy Day
Lastly, some of these impulse control games will get your kid up and moving- in a controlled way. It’s ideal for rainy days, days when you’re stuck inside, or maybe the entire winter season!
What Makes It An Impulse Control Game?
In order to call it an “impulse control game” (a category I might have just invented!), I’m looking for something that will give your kid that tiny moment of frustration. But the game needs to balance that with being so much fun that your kid actually wants to take that deep breath and continue.
Alternatively, it could be something that strengthens their endurance for attention (here’s looking at you, puzzles and Taco, Cat, Goat, Cheese, Pizza). Or something that makes them maintain control of their bodies (like Bounce-off and Twister). I’m not necessarily looking for it to be a learning game full of strategy and decision-making.
Games that can help kids improve their impulse control and self-control
Operation is one of those classic games that hits that sweet spot of being fun and exciting, but will force your kid to take a deep breath to steady their body if they want to avoid setting off the buzzer! If you really want to kick this up a notch, to your kids, pick-up a version that speaks to their special interest. There are options, like a Chewbacca/Star Wars, Trolls, and even Despicable Me!
This is another great classic game that requires full-body control! It’s also a great winter/rainy day game because it’ll help their need for movement! Kids under the age of 6 could probably play the game if you were flexible about their ability to actually reach their body across the board.
Jenga is the last impulse control game in the classics category. Don’t let the simplicity of the game fool you into thinking it can’t teach impulse control! Part of it’s beauty is how easy the rules are to follow, so your kid can focus on trying to not knock the tower over. For a bonus, you need to perform two controlled movements- one to remove the block and one to replace the block- per turn. Perfect for teaching self-regulation!
Silly Street is for ages 4 and up. It’s a blast to play, with lots of silly shenanigans for even the youngest player. I think you could definitely have fun with this one, even with younger siblings, though. On vacation, we even had a 2-year-old join in (on a kid-parent team; but still!).
It’s positives are that it’s a straightforward game to play, it doesn’t last forever! It’s a great game for impulse control because kids have to wait for their turn to come back around, and they may get cards they don’t like, etc. It also helps develop focus because you need to pay attention- but it’s so fun your kid’s won’t even notice their gaining some awesome skills!
This game is a blast for the family. It’s essentially a building game, where you use cards to build up a tower so that the very brave and heroic rhinos can climb up! It’s great for kids with ADHD (and even kids who struggle with their sense of proprioception) because it requires body control, dexterity and spatial awareness. It’s also the winner of the Major Fun! Award, the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval, and the PTPA (Parent Tested – Parent Approved)!
Magic Labyrinth is a magical board game that elementary AND middle schoolers will love. There are varying levels of difficulty, which makes it versatile enough for the whole family to enjoy. The goal is to collect objects while going through a hidden maze. It’s the perfect game for impulse control because kids have to slow down since their memory will be tested in this game. Dealing with (literal) obstacles in their way is a nice challenge, too!
Qwirkle is an awesome game for developing impulse control! Even though it’s playable for younger kids, the strategy and skill make it (in my opinion) more fun to play for older kids. It promotes flexible thinking, future planning, and adjusting on the fly (like if someone ‘steals’ the move they planned). A great skill set for ANYONE to learn!
Bounce-Off is a combo of ping pong and Connect 4. It’s lots of fun, and they won’t even notice the effort they’re putting in to control their bodies to give the ball a controlled bounce. This game is about skill instead of strategy, so it puts parents and kids on a fairly even playing field. Bounce-Off gets everyone up and moving, so it might be a good game for the kid who doesn’t like board games. It’s also a great party game that even your older middle schoolers and high schoolers will enjoy playing with their friends!
Suspend requires LOTS of body control. The rules are simple, but the technique is tricky! You have to keep placing the bent (rubber-tipped) wires on the structure, without knocking it all over! Perfect for kids with ADHD since it’ll help develop their strategic thinking, hand-eye coordination, and logic. There’s even a Junior version for ages 4+ if your younger kids are intrigued by it!
Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza, by DolphinHat Games. Ages 8+
Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza isn’t a new, weird flavor of pizza; it’s a hilarious and fast-paced card game! There’s so much movement and action that your kid won’t even notice that they’re mastering their impulses on every turn. (Seriously, it’s harder than you think to identify a taco when someone tells you with conviction that it’s a goat! I dare you not to flinch!) Bonus: It’s a quick game, so you won’t be stuck playing it forever. And it’s tons of fun for adults, too!
Puzzles deserve to be their own category. There are so many different levels of puzzles, so it’s a good option for all ages. And they offer so many benefits!
They promote visual motor planning, concentration, attention to detail, and can even help with centering yourself and calming down!
Then the sky’s the limit! 500 piece puzzles (or larger) are great for families to work on together and come back to. Or even if you want to set it up as an ongoing project- I know several families that love to have a puzzle going during the winter months, especially. Just grab a puzzle mat or card table and you’re good to go!
Bonus: Make Up Your Own Game
You can even encourage your kids to create their own board game for family game night! Give them some poster board and art supplies and watch their creativity flow!
Impulse Control Games for the Win!
There are so many board games that will help develop better impulse control in your kid! From the classics, to ones for preschoolers, all the way to high schoolers. Board games don’t have to be tedious anymore!
Commit to helping your kid, and commit to making it fun! How will you- routinely- incorporate games to help impulse control into your life? Which one sounded like the most fun? If you have other suggestions for games that have worked for your family, share your ideas in the comment section!
It’s been getting worse. Every day is a ‘bad day’ now. And it’s exhausting.
You monitor behaviors. You follow the direction of all the therapists and doctors. Meds are never missed. But something is still off.
You love your kid. But they’re a puzzle to figure out. A solution can work one day, and cause a fit the next. Your head is swimming trying to remember everything you’ve done before to see if it was successful, or if you could tweak it somehow.
And it’s all coming at you so fast right now. You can hardly deal with one crisis before the next one comes banging down your door. You’re not even getting a chance to take a breather. Let alone time to think!
What if it’s not getting better because you’re treating the wrong thing?
ADHD And Sensory Processing Disorder
If you’ve been treating your kid for ADHD, but not getting much traction, you owe it to yourself to learn more about Sensory Processing Disorder. Specifically, sensory seeking behavior.
ADHD and Sensory seeking can look very similar. They share some of the same behaviors. And there is even a huge amount of overlap of people who have both ADHD and sensory issues.
Is ADHD a sensory disorder?
The short answer is no. But there’s a lot of overlap between the two, so it’s easy to see why you may think that. They are two separate entities, though. So, let’s start by clarifying the two things.
ADHD is a mental health disorder. It’s caused by imbalances in the brain. It is recognized by most psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists as a mental illness, and can be treated by both medication and talk therapy.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is a neurological disorder. It is not in the current diagnostic manual (DSM 5) for mental health professionals, and therefore they generally would not be able to accurately identify or diagnose SPD.
Research has not determined the exact cause of SPD. The current understanding is that the brain has trouble processing sensory input from a person’s environment. It can be either over, or under, responsive. And this is how you end up with people who are either sensory-avoiding or sensory-seeking.
Although these are distinct diagnosis, and each has unique defining characteristics, there IS a large percentage of people with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder.
Common Symptoms of ADHD
Since people tend to be more familiar with ADHD, they tend to think they’re also familiar with what it looks like and the associated behaviors.
But that can be dangerous! You can see the danger when teachers, other parents, and even just people on the street may try to diagnose your kid based on one or two classic symptoms.
So here is a list of some of the classic behaviors you would see in a kid with ADHD. For a complete list, grab the printable.
Symptoms of ADHD in Kids
• Rushes through work and make careless mistakes
• Will not pay attention to detail, or only listens to the first half of the directions
• Will start ‘fun’ tasks but has trouble finishing them
• Doesn’t want to do tasks that require lots of trying, or ‘sustained mental effort’
• Has poor time management skills; over or underestimates how much time it takes to do something or get somewhere, or doesn’t have a good sense of what time it actually is.
• Has challenges with sequential activities, or knowing what to do next, even with daily routines
• Doesn’t appear to be listening, even if you’re talking directly to them
• Mind wanders freely and easily
*Make sure to grab this printable checklist for Sensory Processing Disorder! That way you can take your time to think it over and observe your child in a new context!
What does it mean to have sensory issues?
It just means that a person has trouble processing one or more of their senses. They’re either under-stimulated by their senses, and seeking more input. (Another, less discussed option is that they’re oversensitive to certain senses and feeling overwhelmed by the input.)
One of the easiest ways to think of SPD is on a spectrum. Sensory avoiding would be on one far end, and sensory seeking would be on the other end. Sensory balance would be the center point.
Note- I’m not an OT, so this is a super-simplified explanation
Everyone in the world needs to process sensory information, so everyone is somewhere on this continuum. When someone struggles to process all their sensory input, that means they have “sensory issues.” You’ll often hear people say they (or their kid) have sensory problems or sensory issues. Usually, this is because A) it’s easier to discuss without sounding medical, or B) because their child hasn’t received the full diagnosis of SPD.
What are the types of sensory disorders?
While there aren’t different types of sensory disorders, people may have challenges with any of their seven senses. WHAT?! 7?! Yup- I typed that correctly!
Most people are already very familiar with the first 5 senses- sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. But there are 2 MORE!
• Vestibular– This sense deals with movement and balance.
• Proprioceptive– This is about where your body awareness and where you are in space.
And then you throw into the mix whether your kid is sensory seeking or sensory avoiding.
• Sensory Seeking– These kids are under-stimulated by the senses. They appear to always crave MORE. More movement, more noise, more things to chew on, more spinning, more touching (or just plain old crashing).
• Sensory Avoiding– They are over-stimulated by the senses around them. These are kids who appear to try and block things out. They may put their hands over their ears, or complain about brightness, or avoid swings and slides.
• Sensory Disregarder– There is also the possibility that your kid is under-responsive to sensations. It sounds similar to sensory seeking, but is a separate category although it’s not talked about nearly as much. These are kids who don’t seem to respond to their sensory environment. They may look “clumsy” or “slumpy” or withdrawn.
So, there is only one Sensory Processing Disorder, but it could appear in many, many ways. You could have any combination of seeking, avoiding, or disregarding with any of the 7 senses.
Can a child be sensory seeking and avoiding?
Yes! Of course! Is anything with your kid straight-forward?! Sorry to let you know, but that trend isn’t going to change now!
Kids can process each of their senses in different ways, so it’s completely possible for them to be a Seeker and Avoider.
For example, a kid might be easily overstimulated by light but under-stimulated by their vestibular system. It is possible for a kid to have different responses to different senses. AND, fun fact, it’s totally possible for a kid to be averse to sounds, but still be the loudest kid you know.
Sensory Seeking vs. ADHD
I have a comprehensive printable Sensory Processing Disorder checklist that you can use to check out which senses your kid may need more- or less- of! And, bonus, I’ve included the checklist of ADHD symptoms so you can compare!
Remember, you can’t fix what you don’t understand.
You’ll get a good idea of different signs of sensory issues, and if your kid is showing sensory seeking behaviors and/or ADHD. I’ve included different ideas for both seeking and avoiding behaviors for the 7 senses.
Personally, I didn’t see the sensory issues in my kids until I saw them listed out in front of my face. Maybe you don’t need to be hit over the head with things (like me!) but I would definitely encourage you to take a look! In any case, it’s nice to rule something out.
Can Sensory Processing Disorder Be Outgrown?
No. But I totally get why this is an enduring myth. I mean, you don’t see many adults walking around having sensory melt-downs because their tag is itchy or the sun is too bright or the music in the car is too loud. But that’s because- over the decades- we’ve learned our triggers and have developed coping mechanisms.
For example, most adults buy their own clothes. If you go into a store and try on a shirt, and you can’t stop the weird shimmying because it feels itchy and wrong to you, then you just don’t buy it. No one asks you to wear that shirt every Tuesday.
And there are a million tiny coping mechanisms like that that adults do every day. People put earbuds in at work to drown out the buzzing of the lights or the printer. They stash sunglasses in every purse, diaper bag and nook of their car. They simply don’t eat foods they don’t like. Remember, everyone is somewhere on that sensory continuum.
So with treatment and time, it IS possible to learn to cope with sensory problems.
What is the Treatment for Sensory Processing Disorder?
The most common treatment for toddlers and kids with SPD is to work with an Occupational Therapist (OT). They will do an assessment to develop a sensory profile of your child. Then they can work with them to address their sensory needs and develop coping skills.
The OT may do Sensory Integration Therapy with your kid to help organize their brain with the sensory input they receive. Or they may work on desensitization. Desensitization can be a great tool for sensory, and help kids build up tolerance, especially for their ‘smaller’ challenges. A good OT will also work with you to develop coping skills your kid can use in their daily life. They’ll work with you so you can help your kid implement those coping skills into their actual lives. (Because real life is waaay different than the nice controlled therapy setting.)
They may also recommend a “sensory diet.”
What Is a Sensory Diet?
Very generally, a sensory diet is the plan you develop, possibly in conjunction with your OT, to help address your child’s sensory needs each day. It may involve providing chances for your child to explore new sensations in a sensory bin, to help desensitize their sense of touch. Or it may involve satisfying their vestibular needs with activities like swinging and spinning. The plans can range from simple to fairly complicated.
Can Sensory and ADHD Affect Each Other?
A recent study from the University of Colorado suggests that up to 40% of kids with ADHD also have sensory issues. This is a very high level of co-occurence, but so far researchers have not been able to definitively explain why these 2 disorders go hand in hand so often.
Can ADHD Cause Sensory Issues?
Technically, no. But they can definitely exacerbate each other. The lack of impulse control can become even more apparent, and it’s possible to see kids respond to their sensory needs at an even lower threshold than they otherwise might have.
To complicate the issue, many of the symptoms of sensory processing can masquerade as ADHD. When a kid hits their sensory threshold and ventures into sensory overload, they can often become impulsive, or even aggressive, because of this innate, deep desire to find balance in their world.
Sensory Overload and ADHD
What Is Sensory Overload? Is Sensory Overload A Symptom of ADHD?
Sensory overload is when a person reaches the point when they are overstimulated by their surroundings. When I was trying to explain this to my son I used the analogy of a jar of pebbles or rocks. (We were -unsuccessfully- trying to force a flower bulb at that time, and conveniently had a mason jar of pebbles on our table.)
So, imagine that everyone has a mason jar for their sensory needs. When they wake up, it tends to be pretty well balanced. But (in our case, I was talking about an avoider) throughout the day, each little sensory challenge adds up and causes more rocks to be put in. Each little tag being weird, or the sun’s brightness, or kids being too loud at school adds rocks to their jar. And different events can add different amounts of rocks.
If they’re given a chance to find some balance afterwards, then it’s also possible for the rocks to be removed from the jar. (This is why you would want to consider putting a sensory solution into your child’s behavior plan or IEP at school.)
Most often though, kids end up accumulating these rocks, and filling up waaaaaaay faster than they can respond. And when they’re full, it’s called sensory overload.
What’s a Sensory Threshold?
Now imagine that most kids walk around with a generic sized 1-quart mason jar. They have a typical sensory threshold. Kids with sensory processing issues tend to have jars that are sized differently. A sensory avoider may have a little tiny jam jar. It may only take a small handful of rocks for them to reach their sensory threshold and venture into sensory overload- and sensory meltdown- territory.
A kid who is sensory seeking may have a giant 2-quart jar. With a lonely little pebble rattling around inside of it. And that kid is desperately seeking to fill his jar at least half-way.
Everyone one of us has a different sensory threshold.
The nice thing about kids is that, if you pay attention to their behavior, they’ll tell you when they’ve reached their limit!
So How Can I Help My Child With Sensory Issues?
The best way to help your kid is to get them into therapy, work with their school, and provide opportunities at home to support them. Explain what’s going on to them if they’re old/mature enough to understand. Personally, I’ve found that just understanding these behaviors through the lens of sensory -and not because they’re trying to deliberately be bad- is incredibly helpful.
If you’d like to take things into your own hands, I have to recommend Sensory Solutions free online workshop. (*Affiliate link- although I would never recommend something I don’t personally believe in!) Thousands of parents have gained amazing insight into their kid’s behavior, which is so valuable for supporting and then helping them.
Does My child Have Sensory Issues or ADHD?
Start with downloading the “Sensory or ADHD Behaviors” handout. If you have any concerns after reading through that, you may want to schedule an appointment with a mental health therapist and/or an OT. Even if you’re not sure, I always recommend getting the input from professionals. Even just ruling things out can be great.
Dealing With People Who Don’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real
The Excruciating Pain of someone Else’s Denial
“Autism isn’t real; it’s just a made-up diagnosis by the anti-vaxxers.”
“Kids don’t get depression; your kid is just being a brat.”
“Why don’t you actually discipline your kid? Then they wouldn’t be so hyper.”
“Sensory Processing Disorder is just an excuse for your bad parenting.”
I feel physically sick just reading that; do you? Has one of those lines, or something like it every been thrown carelessly at you? One of the most emotionally painful things someone can do to us is to discredit our journey. Having someone sweep your child’s condition under the rug, or even worse, lay the blame at your feet is hurtful.
And if the person discrediting your kid’s condition is someone you love? It’s downright excruciating.
Why Don’t People Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?!
Unfortunately, not everyone will agree that your child’s condition is a ‘real thing.’ There is still such stigma that there are some people who believe mental health problems are just someone being weak or undisciplined. Same with autism, sensory processing disorder, and more!
Maybe they don’t believe the research, or have seen the research and think it’s funded by biased parties. It’s possible that this person thinks ADHD, for example, can be a real condition, but your kid doesn’t have it.
When someone doesn’t believe our kid’s diagnosis is real, it’s painful. Because it means they don’t support us. And when you’re raising a challenging kid, you need all the support you can get!
To add to that, when our kids’ behaviors aren’t being explained by a diagnosis, it means that the person is viewing their problem behaviors through the lens of discipline, or parenting, or brattiness. And that usually means that it’s the parent’s ‘fault.’ Ouch.
If you’ve had someone say these things to you, it can leave you shaking with a mother’s fury for a week. Or it can cause knee-jerk reactions where you say one of those things you immediately wish you could stuff back into your mouth.
So How Do You Deal With It?
First, you need to establish, “Is it worth it to engage with this person?” Ask yourself, does it affect my child that this person doesn’t buy-in to their diagnosis. If it’s your co-worker, probably not. If it’s their dad, definitely.
If you’re not sure, let me ask this another way. Is this about you? Or is it about your kid? Are you personally hurt by this person’s views, or is it preventing your kid from getting the treatment they need? Why does this person’s buy-in matter?
I’m not saying that in a ‘no one else’s opinion should matter’ sort of way. I’m asking you a real question. There are plenty of reasons that this person’s opinion DOES matter.
How To Figure Out If Their Opinion Matters
For example, if your sister-in-law thinks ADHD is fake, then she is going to have a lot less tolerance for your son’s behavior- and your parenting. She may even try and take it upon herself to discipline your son in a way that’s counter-productive to what you’re trying to do. And (not so) eventually, you’re probably not going to feel very welcome in her house. Family gatherings just got a lot more awkward. In this case, it might be a good idea to engage at least enough to keep the peace.
Continuing with that example, there are also plenty of reasons your sister-in-law’s opinion DOESN’T matter. As long as she behaves civilly and kindly towards you, your kid, and family, then it may not be worth it to engage. Unless you have one of those best-friend/sister-in-law combo packs, it doesn’t matter if she disagrees with the course of treatment, or the IEP goals, or what steps you’re taking to manage behavior in your house. You and your partner get to make those decisions. No one else. You two are the ones who have to sleep at night with the decisions you’ve made.
Advocacy
Now, lest (that word doesn’t get used often enough!) you think I live in a world that’s black and white, there can be valid reasons to engage with someone whose opinion doesn’t matter. The main reason would be for advocacy’s sake. If advocacy is an important value to you, you’re probably sitting there reading this thinking, “But I want to give them the information and open their mind so this isn’t so hurtful to the next person!” If so, YOU are an advocate.
If you’re an advocate, I still want you to be cautious of a few things, in the interest of self-preservation. Where are you on this journey? Are you to a place where you can handle rejection, even after presenting well-planned information, and not take it personally? Consider what level you can engage in with this person that doesn’t burn you out? Your most important job is to leave enough in your reserves that you’re still able to go back and care for your kid in the best way you are able.
At this point, you should have been able to make a decision about whether it’s worth it to engage this person, or not.
Choosing Your Approach to Informing Why This Diagnosis Is Real
So you’ve decided that it’s worth it to engage with this person. Just for the sake of using an example, let’s say this person is your mother-in-law who also watches your kids after school once a week.
Now you have to choose your approach.
1. Agree to disagree
You can agree to disagree about the technicalities of the diagnosis or condition. But you cannot deny the symptoms. Find some common ground. Point out the symptoms that concern you; your mother-in-law is probably seeing the same things. If your son has depression, he may have stopped coming home from school and shooting hoops for a half hour before he comes in for a snack. He may be going straight to his room and sleeping. And, he may be extra difficult to engage.
It’s possible that your mother-in-law saw all those symptoms, but attributed them to other things. “Oh, he’s just going through a growth spurt,” or “The weather’s been bad so he can’t play outside.” But you could still present to her the way you would like to address those symptoms. Maybe you’re taking walks after school, without talking so there’s no pressure, just to make sure that your son is getting some physical movement (which can be very helpful for people with depression). Hopefully, your mother-in-law would be able to get on board with taking walks. Sure, you may have different reasons, but your responses are the same.
2. Present the facts
NOTE– I did NOT say convince them. Changing their mind is their own journey, and is out of your control. You can only present the facts in an unbiased way. This is CRUCIAL to remember!
If you choose to engage your mother-in-law, for example, you can opt to present just the facts to her. See if you can figure out from your previous conversations where her knowledge gap is missing, or what types of facts will have the most effect on her.
• Lean on the Doctors
If you know your mother-in-law respects medical professionals, this would also be an optimal way to start. For instance, if she’s never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder, you could give her a summation of the condition by starting with, “My doctor explained it to me like this.”
• Work with The Obvious Symptoms
But maybe she’s skeptical of doctors. If that’s the case, you might want to focus on the obvious cluster of symptoms your kid displays. You could say something like, “Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder often are super sensitive to how clothing feels, louder noises, how food feels in their mouth, and sensations like swinging and spinning. There is just a disconnect between their brain being able to process what their body is feeling, and so everything ends up feeling and seeming exaggerated.” Give her the symptoms that she can’t help but think, “Oh yeeaah, Ethan totally did that last week!” The goal is to connect the dots for her in a way she just can’t miss.
• Start with the end in mind
To borrow a phrase from Stephen Covey, you could start with the end in mind. Work with your mother-in-law and explain that you’re seeking this diagnosis, or these interventions, because you want the best for your kid in adulthood. You recognize the power in early intervention! As they say, “early diagnosis leads to timely intervention and timely intervention leads to better outcomes.”
On average, it takes 8-10 years from the time symptoms first appear to the time kid’s get mental health treatment. There are a million reasons for this, but mainly, this happens because a) finding appropriate treatment can be hard; b) actually taking your kid for treatment requires lots of coordination with schedules, etc.; and c) parents don’t have the support they need to be able to pull it off. Help your mother-in-law see that she could help your kid beat the statistics, and set them up for future success, by being supportive.
• Provide The Facts About Why The Diagnosis Is Real In Writing
The last option to explore would be printing off information from a trusted source (to your mother-in-law). I know a lot of people are tempted to just slip it in a purse, or ‘sneakily’ leave it laying out somewhere she’ll definitely see it. But I don’t like those methods for a few reasons.
First, because there’s nothing sneaky about it! She is abundantly aware this is you. Who else is going to leave reading material about Sensory Processing Disorder or ADHD or Autism just laying around?!
Second, because it comes off as passive-aggressive. Which could have the opposite affect on her that you’re trying for. So, when she sees the paper, instead of being receptive to the information, she’ll be put off by your behavior and potentially become more blocked to even reading it.
The more helpful approach to printing off the facts is to just be up-front about it. Maybe next time she’s at your house, and she’s on her way out the door, you can just casually say, “Oh, I almost forgot. I found some new information about Sensory Processing Disorder. I would mean a lot to me, and Ethan, if you could read this when you get a chance.” Be careful NOT to phrase this as a question. Like, “Would you mind reading it?” That way she’s less likely to shoot you down right then and there.
3. Address the fears
If it’s someone who loves your child who is dismissing their condition, they may be resisting the condition or diagnosis out of denial.
The good news is that this denial could be based in love and fear. It’s because they have an inkling (or maybe even full knowledge!) of what it would mean for their child to have this disease. And because they love your kid, they want to do everything they can to protect them. Including, making sure they don’t carry around that sort of life-long diagnosis.
Hey, no one ever said love was logical.
This would be a great opportunity to step in to their shoes. Treat them with love, and share your own story of how hard it is for you. And help this other person see that you are accepting the diagnosis because you love your child, and want them to be able to get help.
• What If Dad Doesn’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?
Let’s switch trains of thought, and say the person you’re working to persuade is your kid’s dad. Just like you, Dad has to work through that grieving process.
So, ask what his fears are. If possible, find examples of adults who have lived with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Depression, and so on, and show him how successful these people can be in different areas of life. Or maybe there’s a support group in your area he would want to join? You know this is a painful process; you’ve been here. So meet him where he’s at.
4. Cultural Barriers
It could be that there are cultural barriers. Cultural barriers are often related to myths and stigmas of the diagnosis, which are usually based in fear. I find that the best way to combat fear is with knowledge, presented in a loving way. Showing people all the ways they’ve been wrong their whole life isn’t a winning strategy. So no matter how much it pains you, go slow if you’re working with someone in this category.
Convincing People The Diagnosis is Real
No one has ever had their mind changed by someone screaming at them. By creating a plan, you won’t have to respond reactively anymore! And, you’ll know that you have done what you can, for the greatest benefit of your kid.
Either you have chosen not to engage, and saved your energy and resources for yourself, your family and your kid. Or you have chosen to try and present the facts. You could appeal to them logically, using authorities like doctors to support you. If you’re not a fan of conflict, sharing the facts in writing for that person to read at a later time might be the best option for you.
Meeting someone where they’re at, in all their pain, is incredibly challenging. But maybe that’s what’s being asked of you. You may have to really put in some wok for both you, and your kid, to get the support you need.
Whatever the outcome, by creating a plan you will know you have done the best you can. Your job is over, and now it’s on that person to expand their mind.
Have you personally dealt with people who don’t believe your kid’s diagnosis is real? How did you respond? Share your story in the comments below!
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
How To Use Special Interests To Love A Challenging Child
Obsession. Preoccupation. Fanaticism. Fixation.
These are probably some of the words you’d use to describe your kid’s intense special interest. Maybe you’d even include words like ‘odd’ or ‘irritating.’
My guess is that words about love and communication most likely weren’t on the list. And most of us have felt that crazy desire to scrape our own ear drums out with a spork if we have to hear one. more. thing. about trains/dinosaurs/sports stats/Mickey/fill-in-your-own-version-of-Hades-here.
But, we can flip the script, here! If your kid has an intense special interest, instead of it being something that drives your crazy, you have a unique opportunity to speak love to them!
What Are Special Interests?
All kids (and adults!) have different topics of interest that appeal to them. But some kids, especially those with ADHD, Autism and/or giftedness, develop an intense focus on a special interest. They truly deep dive in those areas.
A ‘special interest’ is exactly that. It’s a topic that someone is deeply interested in, and is incredibly meaningful to them. They may appear to have ‘superpowers’ with this special interest. Like being able to focus on it for an incredible amount of time, (people use phrases like “getting lost in it”) even when their ability to focus is limited in general. They may remember seemingly trivial details, like a specific part number, or a score from a game that happened years ago.
Another way to differentiate a special interest from a general topic of interest is that there tends to only be one (maaaaybe 2) special interest at a time. Common special interests can be:
Transportation- like cars, trains, planes, etc
Pets or animals
Sports facts
Computer games
Series (books or shows)
And so many more!
Special Interests In Childhood
When one of my boys was younger, he became incredibly fixated on trains. He focused on trains for so long and in such detail that I began to worry he would never want to learn about anything else! I was concerned he wouldn’t want to interact about anything else. Basically, I was terrified he was limiting himself, and wouldn’t experience the full human range of experiences.
Then my husband showed me this YouTube video where a grown man absolutely loses his mind when a (very specific) train went by. And all I could think was how lucky I, or my son, would be to be that enthusiastic about anything. That was the moment when I decided to just let him and his trains be.
So I took a deep breath, and repeated to myself “Everything was going to be ok.”
Special Interests As Kids Grow
One great way to ease some of your fears about how life will turn out for your kids is to look at their older peers. Seeing other people’s experiences with their special interests is a really helpful way to see the trajectory for your kiddo. For example, this woman talks about her experience with her “specialized interests.” I love how she describes them as recharging and comforting. These areas of specialized interest are so important to some people, it’s like an extension of themselves.
Another thing to know about special interests is that this is going to be an enduring and life-long personality trait. Your child will always be a person who ‘deep dives’ into different areas, even though the topic may change throughout their life.
It may also help you to know that many kids who develop intense special interests are able to take one of the more pervasive or enduring ones and turn it into a career. A good example is a kid who’s always been interested in mechanics. Maybe they have taken apart and repaired more items in your house than you care to count. They may be able to turn that love and interest into a career as an engineer, or an inventor, or an electrician! The possibilities are endless!
Love Languages
Let’s segue to a completely new topic! Love languages!
The idea behind love languages is that everyone ‘hears’ and ‘speaks’ love differently. The best way to communicate with anyone is in their first language, and it’s the same with love.
Gary Chapman is the original author of the “Five Love Languages.” And he proposes that there are 5 languages of love. They are; words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. If you’ve ever had someone say to you, “Saying ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough for me to feel connected to you,” then you’ve experienced this idea first hand.
If you’re interested, you can use this fun online quiz to see what your child’s love language is. (I highly recommend it!) The quiz was designed for kids 9 and older, because younger kids tend to speak all the languages before narrowing down their focus to just one or two. But they will eventually develop one (or more!) language that speaks the loudest to them.
(These are affiliate links. There is no additional cost to you, but a small portion of your purchase goes towards running this site.)
Work Smarter Not Harder
To give your parental love the biggest bang for it’s buck, it will help if you speak your kid’s love language. You can save a lot of time and energy by doing this! If you know your kid doesn’t speak the language of acts of service, you can reduce the amount of time and energy you spend on doing things in that category, and instead focus your time on their primary language.
And this is where the special interest comes back in. Engaging with your child about their intense special interest is one of the most effective ways to show your love. If your kid feels their area of specialized interest is an extension of themselves, and then you show that you’re interested and engaged with it, you’re showing love to a very important part of your child. (If I had a dry erase board in front of me, I’d draw an awful illustration to help demonstrate this!)
Speaking Love Via Special Interests
You can speak all five love languages to your kid via their area of interest. Let me show you. I’ll use trains as the example, since they’re such a common special interest.
Gifts– You could give (parts of) train sets, or even just go to the library and pick up a new book or two about trains for them.
Quality Time– You can go to a train show with them.
Touch– Try sitting right next to them while they’re playing or reading about trains.
Acts of Service- You could help them organize their train sets or books; you could assist with a chore so they’ll have more time to spend on trains.
Words of Affirmation– Listen to them talk about trains, and genuinely respond with encouraging and positive words. Ask questions. Let them know you’re interested in them by engaging with their knowledge and love of trains.
Creating a Bond That Lasts
Connecting with your kid over their area of interest helps them know you are interested in them; they feel loved because you are involved. Sometimes, kids with ADHD, Autism, or giftedness can be hard to love. Their behaviors and personalities can be a bit…idiosyncratic. So, it’s critical they receive (and feel!) your unconditional love. The need for love is a massive human drive. Every person on Earth wants to be loved and know they are worthy of love.
The impact of kids knowing they are unconditionally loved cannot be understated. When a kid knows they are loved, unconditionally, their subconscious thought process will be able to say things like, “I know I am loved, so I am loveable.”
It gives your kid self-worth to know that you love them, and find them interesting. Your love for them, shown by your engagement with your kid’s special interest, may not be a magic bullet that prevents all harm from coming to your child. But it does give them a very strong shield to protect themselves with.
The Wrap Up
At first, it may not seem like your kid’s intense focus on their special interest has anything to do with them feeling loved. But if we start to see their special interest as almost an extension of themselves, it becomes clearer that we need to extend our love for them to include that part of themselves.
Their special interest is a part of them. It fulfills the need for comfort, exploration and order. It also presents an amazing opportunity for you to be able to speak your child’s love language in a way that they will hear the best.
I understand- I’ve been there. It can be SO draining to engage in those areas of interest, because it’s painfully repetitive to us as their parents. But every tiny detail is a new nuance to them that is fascinating and intriguing. You’ll find that if you can move past your own personal lack of enthusiasm for their special interest, you’ll be able to engage with your kid on a whole new level.
So how are you going to combine your kid’s love language and special interest? Let me know in the comments below!
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
Solving Your Kid’s Sleep Problems
MY KID HATES TO GO TO SLEEP
Why don’t kids like to go to sleep? It’s a nearly universal truth that kids will try to avoid bedtime and naptime like a cat avoiding water. (I’m literally writing this as my 1 year old is yelling his protest about being put down for naptime!)
But even teenagers resist the chance to get more sleep by going to bed early. Although that phenomenon is largely explained by a developmental shift in their circadian rhythm, it still doesn’t compute with us as adults! Ugh! If only they knew what we knew…they’d sleep as much as they could!
But since that isn’t the reality that we’re facing, it’s probably best to look at the challenges head-on so we can find some solutions.
Types of Sleep Problems
There are a couple different sleep problems your kid could be facing. So to find an appropriate solution, you need to correctly identify the problem.
This is not an exhaustive list, just some common problems. Sleep problems can also be an indicator of a medical issue, so if it persists, please consult a doctor.
1. Fear of Sleep
For some kids, falling asleep can be frightening. It’s a dark unknown, and who knows if you’ll even wake back up! These kids might be suffering from nightmares and/or night-terrors, which could be causing the fear, and feeding into a vicious cycle. It would also be common for kids to struggle with fear of sleep if they recently suffered a loss.
2. Anxiety
Anxiety might take the form of making your kid’s mind race to the point where they have trouble falling asleep. If you knew you were doomed to lay in bed for 90 minutes every night before you could sleep, thinking about the things that went wrong or things left undone, you wouldn’t want to go to bed either!
3. They’re Not Tired
Your kid may physically not be ready for bed. They may have napped late in the day, or maybe they just weren’t physically active enough. Additionally, teenagers start to develop later circadian rhythms, which means even if you sent them to bed at 9pm and they complied, they may not be able to fall asleep until 11. Blame nature for that one.
4. They Don’t Want to Stop
Whatever they’re doing right before bed is so engaging that they don’t want to quit. Or maybe your kid believes that the night is a magical time when the rest of the world is having fun without them. (Proving you’re never too young for FOMO.) Whether that’s the middle of a video game (more on screen time later!) or a chapter of a particularly good book, they just can’t put it down. And even if they do physically put it down, it’ll be racing through their minds for a while.
These can all be found in the Freebie Library!
SOLVING THE SLEEP PROBLEMS
I always recommend starting with the basics. Everyone needs a bedtime routine, including a consistent bed time. And all screens should be off at least a half hour before bed, although an hour before would be best.
Additional Sleep Interventions
If the basic bedtime routine isn’t working. It’s time to try some new solutions, and soon. Because we can all agree- sleep is precious.
1. Remove the Screens
Make sure all screens are removed from the bedroom. You could try being the ‘nice guy’ by telling your kid it’s because you’re being helpful and want to make sure devices are charged for tomorrow. Or, use a family docking station, and get your kid into the habit of placing it there before bed themselves.
2. Check with The Pediatrician
If your child is on any medication, it could be worth checking if this is a side-effect, and if a change might be warranted. At minimum, you would want to bring this up at their next well-check.
3. Checking Into Supplements
Since you’re already talking to the pediatrician, you could discuss if melatonin, magnesium, or other supplements are a path you may want to pursue.
4. Make Sure They’re Active
It’s a well-know fact that kids aren’t as active as they once were. So make sure they’re getting plenty of physical activity. Maybe plan a family hike once a week, or encourage your kid to play outside or ride their bike when they tell you, “I’m bored.” Making sure kids get outside all year is important, too. One of my favorite sayings is, “There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.” Meaning, (generally) dress for the weather and you’ll be fine!
If your child is competitive, you could try using a fitness tracker watch, like the Fitbit for Kids or an off-brand version. You can have them challenge themselves, or a family member!
5. Watch out for caffeine
Caffeine seems like it’s sneaking into everywhere now! Obviously, make sure your kid isn’t drinking coffee at 6pm, but look for the more covert places it could be, like soft drinks, chocolate, chocolate or coffee flavored foods, and medications like Midol and Excedrin (PMS and migraine relief, respectively).
6. Cue the Transition with Music
When it’s time for ‘wind-down time’ (my favorite term I learned from our favorite daycare provider!) help create the mood by playing relaxing music. You simply set a timer on your phone or tell Alexa to play soothing music at a certain time.
The genius of this is that over time, you can actually condition your kids to this music! After using this routine for a while, your kids may hear this music and actually start to feel sleepy! I love how our brains work!
7. Weighted Blankets
Weighted blankets can be useful for people with anxiety, Autism, ADHD, sensory-processing disorder, and general sleep problems. They’re wonderfully comforting, and can help your kid feel secure in their bed for a full night’s sleep.
8. Darken the Room
Create the best sleep environment you can by making sure the room is cool (not cold), free of distraction, and dark. Blackout curtains can be your best friend if you’re battling with extra light coming in through the windows.
9. Use White Noise
White noise machines have been used for everything from helping kids sleep longer, to eliminating night-terrors. Personally, when my kids are struggling with sleep problems, my attitude is “I’ll try (almost) anything once.” We did have phenomenal success with using white noise to help my two older kids sleep better.
10. Guided Relaxation
Guided relaxation is a wonderful method for relaxing your body and your mind. And it can be used for kids and adults. You can choose to use one of a number of different apps or audio tracks, or you can read below and try your hand at the self-guided version. (Make sure to grab the PDF so you can reference it later, too.) For the first few times, your kid may prefer to have you guide them through it rather than an app with a voice they don’t know.
Guided relaxation is a great solution for kids who have a hard time physically or mentally calming down enough to go to sleep.
How to Combat Sleep Problems with Guided Relaxation
The point of Guided Relaxation is to focus on your body’s sensations, instead of what is going on in your mind. It involves controlled breathing, and small, controlled muscle movements.
Start by getting into a comfortable position, and take 3 to 5 deep belly breaths. Try to quiet you mind, and just focus on how your belly feels going up and down with the breaths. Then, starting with the toes, you’ll clench different muscle groups tightly for a few breaths, and then relax. Start with the toes, and go up through the leg muscles, then from your fingers to your shoulders. Then from your stomach, to your chest, to your back and up through the neck. Make sure to include the face muscles like the jaws and forehead.
This exercise can last for just a few minutes, or you can choose to draw it out for as long as you may need.
Optionally, you can even incorporate gratitude into Guided Relaxation. (I.e.: “As you tighten your toes, think of everything they did for you today, and thank them for their hard work.) Gratitude is a wonderful antidote to anxiety, sadness and depression, and a million other things.
Check for these in the Freebie Library
Is this normal? Or something bigger?
Sleep problems can be a common reaction to normal, yet stressful, life events. Stressful events like exams, relationship/friend problems, moving, death of a relative, or an unstable living situation can all be temporary causes of poor sleep.
Sleep problems can also be related to several mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar disorder.
Once you’ve crossed the threshold of about 2-4 weeks, it’s worth calling a doctor. Make sure to document what’s going on at night so you can give the pediatrician the full scoop. Because if your kid isn’t sleeping- you’re not sleeping. And we all know the havoc that wreaks on our brains.
So, here’s to a good night’s sleep for both of you!
But I don’t need to convince you. MOST parents I talk to are already way on board with wanting to help their kid, tween or teen gain impulse-control (or self-control) skills. But actually helping our teens learn impulse control skills is a much different task. Talking about it, telling them they need more impulse control, and lectures won’t get us anywhere. The best way to teach is through specifically designed impulse control activities for teens, tweens and big kids.
Tips for Parents Before Teaching Impulse Control Activities For Teens
Before you dive in- whenever you’re working with a teenager, you need to know it’s a two way street. We still have to prepare ourselves as parents, even more than when they were younger. I have a couple of suggestions to help ensure that once you get to the point of actually implementing these impulse control activities for teens things will go more smoothly.
1. Have Realistic Expectations
Don’t set the bar too high, but don’t set it too low, either. If you know what they’re currently capable of, your expectation should be 1 or maybe 2 steps beyond that. Also, understand that there will always be some low-level impulsive ‘stuff’ to their personality. Yes, it may drive you crazy, but try not to get bogged down by the little things.
2. Use Routines to your advantage
You can initially reduce some of the need for impulse control by using routines. These are people who desperately need routines and structure. When your brain is acting like a pinball machine, structure is a safe place to rest; even if your teen seems resistant to it at first. If you’re on a diet, (which takes an immense amount of impulse control) you would set yourself up for success by removing the treats from your house, and planning out your meals. Give your teens the same benefit with routine in their life! Just because they’re impulsive, doesn’t mean they need- or even want- everything to be spontaneous.
3. Give Extra Support to the Extra Challenging Times
If you can, create extra structure around a particularly stressful time of day (or event- like exams) to help find more peace. Is getting to school on time a challenge? Implement a routine for night that includes making sure clothes are laid out, homework- and anything else they need- is already in the backpack, etc.
4. Get Their Buy-In
When you’re working with a teen, you need their buy-in to implement change. Find the common ground during a calm moment. For example, “Can we both agree that there’s too much fighting in the mornings before school?” Instead of “You’re always running late, and it’s not ok.” Maybe your teen has some ideas about what would help them be on time? If you give them the time and space to open up, you might be surprised how insightful they are!
5. Pick One Area to Work On at A Time
Have you ever had a big project going on at work, while you’re trying to stay on a very strict diet, and you’re also not spending money because you’re on a tight budget? It’s completely overwhelming to focus on so many things, and share your attention span and impulse control over so many facets of your life. Classwork, peers, girl/boyfriends, jobs, parents, and extracurriculars are all vying for that limited amount of impulse control. So, from where I’m standing, you have two choices for deciding which area to start with. Option 1– Where is impulse-control getting your kid into trouble the most? Are they interrupting, or wandering, or chronically late? Choose one topic, and if you can, break it down even smaller, like working on not interrupting your teachers (we’ll get to parents later). Think of it as ‘niching down.’ Option 2– Where will you be able to make the biggest impact the quickest? Will simply making sure the homework actually gets back to school be the biggest difference maker? You could choose to focus on that first.
6. Understand They Will Still Need Your Help
Teens are doing everything they can to gain more and more independence- which is completely developmentally appropriate! So I understand that it feels incongruent to say that they need even more help right now. But when we give them a new task to try, they’re going to need our support. If they have support, they’ll be more successful, which will give them more confidence, which will make them want to continue on their own. Once they’re confident in the task, you can peel back some of your support- layer by layer.
7. Practice, Practice, Practice
Impulse control is best compared to a muscle, and not a set of knowledge. You can’t go to the gym once a month, or even once a week, and really expect to grow stronger. This isn’t something that can be taught once, and then you expect them to know how to do it. It will take consistent work, for a lifetime, to grow and keep the impulse control ‘muscles’ strong.
8. Be A Good Role-Model
The need to continue practicing impulse control extends into our adult lives. So be the best role-model you can! If you can’t be perfect, (and no one expects you to be!) talk about it with your kid. You can even check out ideas for improving your own impulse control.
Life Skills to Improve Impulse Control
So, now that you have your teen’s buy-in, let’s talk about what skills actually make a difference in improving impulse control. Then we’ll get to translating those skills into actual impulse control activities for teens.
First, teenagers need to continue in their emotional, mental and social development. As they continue developing, the brain matures through experience and they can start to feel some of the regret, and see the social consequences of poor impulse control. And with greater mental development, they will gain the ability to think about different behaviors that would lead to different outcomes.
Second, we need to help them with their stress-reduction skills. Think about when you’re most likely to break your diet and have that dessert, or glass of wine, you told yourself you wouldn’t. It’s not when you’re calm and in control. It’s when you’re feeling stressed out, and out of control. Most teens experience a tremendous amounts of stress, so giving them better stress-reduction techniques can help improve impulse control in the same way it can help you stick to a diet, etc.
Third, we can help our teenagers develop mindfulness. This goes hand in hand with stress-reduction. But by learning mindfulness, too, they can start sensing their body’s physical cues about when stress and impulses are about to take over. Mindfulness is excellent for helping overall regulation. If you think of your teen as a car, that would be the care and maintenance part. It’s also great for quick stress-reduction, which addresses ’emergency repairs.’
Fourth, we need to give them concrete problem-solving skills. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If we haven’t taught our teens to respond in a different way when a problem arises, they will continue with the same problematic (impulsive) behavior from the past. We need to give them the tools to be able to step-back, analyze, and solve a problem.
Lastly, we need to provide them opportunities to practice delayed gratification. The need for instant gratification can get teens into a lot of trouble. Unprotected sex, verbal outbursts, physical aggression, and using drugs are all things people do because they ‘wanted to’ or because it felt like the right thing at the time. If you’re asking, “Why did you do that?” and getting responses like, “I don’t know,” “just because,” or “because I wanted to,” chances are you’re dealing with a teen with very little ability to tolerate delayed gratification.
Impulse Control Activities for Teens
I’ll break these activities down by life-skill. Many of these skills may seem basic to you as an adult, but your teen may need a reminder to use the new tools in their toolbox. Gentle, friendly reminders are going to help them create routines and new, positive habits. But they won’t be able to do it without you. New habits can take at least 28 days to build, but they can fall apart quicker than that through sporadic use.
1. Emotional, Mental and Social Development
Organized sports/activities/clubs
Keep a journal; reflect on when you were able to exhibit impulse control, and when you were not. What did you mean to happen?
Have a few pre-planned responses to help ward off peer pressure
For teens with trouble regulating time, use a planner with hour (or even half hour) time slots. Build in timers and routines for filling out the planner and referencing it. (Read about more time management tips for teens here.)
2. Stress-Reduction Techniques
Take a shower
Have a mantra or Bible passage memorized. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NRSV) is a personal favorite, but a quick Google or Pinterest search will help you find many more.
Write out the things you are, and are NOT in control of.
Practice deep breathing.
Dance
Physical activity
Blowing bubbles
Coloring
Journaling
3. Developing Mindfulness
Practice yoga, meditation, or even just controlled breathing
Identify which situations are most likely to get you in trouble, then work backwards. What feelings do you have before it? What events precede it? Are you misreading situations? (Also applies to Continued Development and Problem-Solving Skills.)
Use the “Stop, think, go” technique when you start to have feelings that indicate impulsivity.
4. Problem-solving Skills
Understand problem areas, and develop a few planned responses
Practice breaking problems down into smaller chunks
Ask for help
Make a plan
Step back, and come back to the problem later with fresh eyes
5. Practicing Delayed Gratification
Plan and budget for a special purchase
Gardening
Long-term (start with 1-2 weeks, and build from there) crafts or projects.
Large puzzles
Bonus- Activities for Impulsive Interrupting/Verbal Outbursts
If these techniques are mainly going to be used in a classroom setting, your teen may want to talk to their teachers, or you could send a quick email to let them know what’s going on, so your kid doesn’t feel pressured or rushed. I would recommend practicing this at home to the point where your teen is comfortable before bring this to school, though.
Before talking, practice taking a deep breath, and taking that extra second to consider the response.
Practice literally talking slower.
‘Parrot’ back the question. Try not to repeat word for word, but state your understanding. “So, you’re asking if…” This one take a lot of practice.
Use imagery to help. Imagine a zipper on your mouth. Or, imagine your mouth is stuffed full of marshmallows, and you can only respond with 1 or 2 words.
Removing the Layers of Support
Your support is critical to your teen. If they try to push you away, or act like the don’t want or need your help, just remember that they’re doing their developmental job. It also probably means you need some more buy-in from them.
Once they have developed the routine, you can slowly remove some of your supports. But think of it like Jenga- things don’t go well if you just take 10 pieces at once out of the base. But if you slowly and strategically remove blocks from the bottom, you can be left with something that stands stronger and taller than when you started.
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How many times do you find yourself saying “Whhhhy did you do that?!”
If it’s too many to count, you’re probably struggling with poor impulse control in children at your house.
And to top it off, is your kid’s response your questioning “Why,” just a shoulder shrug and “I dunno.” Or, “I just wanted to”?!
It’s frustrating on a good day, and it’s downright infuriating on the others! It’s like a brick wall that blocks all further conversation, and stops your from taking any steps forward.
But even if you can’t move forward, you still have options. You can take a step back.
If your son or daughter doesn’t recognize the cause of their action, we need to address that before we’re able to move on to the action itself. I really like the analogy of teaching impulse control in children to teaching potty-training. Because A) it’s something we’ve all done with our kids, B) it’s massively based on child development, and C) even though it can be hard to teach -and learn- the payoffs are enormous.
The First Steps of Impulse Control
The steps from ‘going’ in a diaper to using a potty need to include recognizing the urge, understanding what it means, and then choosing to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. There can be different feelings behind impulsive behavior for kids; anger, anxiety, or even joy. Cognitive differences, such as ADHD, autism or developmental delays also contribute to poor impulse control in children. Kid’s developmental stage has a huge impact on impulsive behavior. Strong emotions have the ability to block out rational thought, so we need to control our emotions before we’re able to control our thoughts and actions.
So the first step is recognizing the feeling.
Steps For Better Impulse Control In Children
Maybe I should clarify, and say that the first step is really for kids to recognize the feeling AND label it. It does us no good if you’re calling something yellow, and I’m calling it green. We’ll be mixed up and confused before we can even talk about what to DO with the emotions. We need to be on the same page, and that starts with the language we use. In light of that, here are some first steps to addressing impulse control in children.
1. Sensations in the Body are the first clue
This is huge. Kids often experience feelings in their bodies before they understand their emotions. Things like upset stomachs, a dizzy head, and clenched fists are all great clues for how a kid is feeling. You might even call anger the ‘tight fist feeling’ (if that’s the actual physical response your kid has- otherwise fill in the blank) before it starts to really click in your kid’s head that the emotion they’re having is anger.
2. Use the kid’s own language
If your son or daughter says, “I feel worried” or “my stomach gets sick about getting an answer wrong at school” that’s a goldmine! Use THEIR words! When you parrot it back, just say, “I’m so sorry to hear your stomach gets sick, let’s talk about that.” You don’t have to try and translate it to “you sound like you’re anxious.” They’ll feel more understood, and accepted for who they are, if you’re taking the effort to listen to exactly what they’re saying. Which, will make them more likely to talk about it with you in the future!
3. Use Lots of Books
So your kid’s not a talker? That doesn’t mean they get to shut down the whole conversation. Don’t underestimate the power of a good book, especially for topics like impulse control in children. They can be a great tool for starting conversations, normalizing feelings, and giving kids the language to talk about what’s going on with them! Some books to check out (These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon associate I earn from qualifying purchases):
If you can’t find a book about a specific topic, or don’t feel like running out to the library, you can always tell a short story. Keep it short and simple, and close to your kid’s situation without being an exact duplicate. *Hint hint* The story doesn’t actually have to be about a friend. It could be your younger self, or it could be a made-up person. Or if you’re not comfortable with your story-telling skills, you could flip the script and ask your kid to tell you a story (about someone in their position) instead.
5. Talk About Feelings In Everyday Life
Tell your kid(s) how you’re feeling -while still maintaining boundaries, please- to help normalize that humans feel all kinds of emotions. There’s no wrong emotion- it’s just about what you do with it. (I.e.: Your kid is allowed to feel mad, but they’re not allowed to hit.) I like to also drive the point home with reinforcing the physical aspects of emotions. So I might tell kids, “when I get nervous or scared, my chest feels tight, like there’s an elephant sitting on it.” When I can use descriptive language like that, I’m much more likely to get them to chime in with something like, “Oh yeah!! I felt like that when I couldn’t see my mom at school pick-up!”
Start Talking About Impulse Control In Children
We can help improve impulse control in children by giving them the language to talk about it. How are you currently talking about feelings, in general, with your kid? Are you helping them make the connections? Did you think of a specific word or phrase they use, especially about impulsive behaviors?
The free printable (that you can grab right above!) has some prompts and spaces where you can write down these answers for a quick reference.
Which of these steps do you think your kid, in particular, would relate to best? Let me know in the comments below!
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Kids without impulse control are hard to manage. They are reactors, and not thinkers, which can make parenting them feel like your parenting a hand-grenade. You never know when they’ll have a fit or meltdown, try to run away, throw something across the room, or act out aggressively. Learning impulse control is imperative for kids, whether they are typically developing or they are experiencing a range of mental health or cognitive disorders.
Impulse Control Is Part of Child Development
Impulse control isn’t about “bad kids” and “good kids.” It’s about whether their brain has had a chance to develop brakes. I know it’s not a scientific term, but it really is the best descriptor I’ve found. Just because your child is having fits, or throwing something across the room DOES NOT mean they are a “bad kid.” Their brain simply hasn’t had a chance to develop yet.
Everyone will eventually develop these brakes that stop us from impulsively making poor choices- like eating an entire bowl full of cookie dough, or running out into the street without looking to chase a ball. (Interestingly, a new way to conceptualize ADHD is as a developmental delay in impulse control.) Impulse control, or self-restraint, will vary in strength from person to person- like other personality traits. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give it a helping hand!
Teaching Impulse Control
I hear you! It’s REALLY hard to live with a kid who’s throwing things, hitting people, or running out into the street because they’re not thinking it through. The good news is, you can help them develop impulse control with practice. The bad news is, it’s also going to take patience because you literally have to wait for their brain to develop. But you can help their brain start making all the connections and create the right pathways through practice. You’ve helped your kid achieve a million other milestones, and you can help coach them to learn better impulse control, too!
There are actually a lot of similarities to teaching impulse control, and potty training. In potty training, the kid has to recognize the feeling of needing to use the bathroom, understand what it means, and then choose to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. And in both cases, some kids will be a breeze to teach, and will seemingly pick this up by themselves. Others will be a hard-fought battle, whether due to temperament or developmental delays or cognitive differences. The silver-lining here is that the most difficult challenges are the sweetest to overcome!
Parent Or Coach?
As a sidebar before these awesome practice activities- I know coaching and teaching your kid to go further than they thought possible is an amazing part of being a parent. But being the person who loves them unconditionally, and thinks they’re perfect and wonderful and amazing just how they are? That’s something only you can do. You are their parent, and it’s an awesome and singular responsibility. Take some pressure off yourself; you’re not their therapist. So don’t push too hard, follow your child’s lead with these activities, build-up their tolerance gradually, and have fun!
Impulse Control Activities for Kids
1. Red Light, Green Light
It may not be a fancy, or glamorous game, but this has all the components of good activity for developing impulse control. The kid has to listen, has to choose to follow the rules, must have control of their body, and has to temporarily do something they don’t want to (i.e.: stop at the “red light”).
2. Simon Says
Another low-tech, no-prep impulse control activity for children that focuses on listening, body control, and the ability to physically restrain yourself.
3. Balloon Toss
This one takes 15 seconds of prep-work. Give your kid an inflated balloon, and ask them not to throw it up in the air for 30 sec. (or less depending on your kid- this isn’t a punishment.) You want them to have that feeling of “but I waaaaant to” before you let them toss it a few times. Then talk about that feeling, and how they were able to overcome it. Just for a few sentences; this shouldn’t be a lecture! They just exemplified impulse control!!
4. Board Games
Turn taking is an excellent way to practice restraining impulsive behavior! Games like Chutes and Ladders, Sorry, Trouble, or Monopoly, where there are negatives like being sent back to the start (or jail!!), provide a second-layer of ‘fun discomfort’ to challenge your kid! Try these less common board games for impulse control for a great twist on game night
5. Organized Sports
Many communities start offering organized sports around age 3. Don’t worry about whether or not your kid will be good! It’s not about that. Even super young organized sports require basic listening, sharing and self-restraint. And playing on a team can be a fun way to practice these skills, and maybe even make some friends!
Transferring These Skills To Real-Life
You may be feeling anxious for these skills to start showing in real-life, instead of just games. But remember when your sweet little baby started walking? He or she didn’t start just walking down the street by themselves! And you didn’t berate them for holding onto the couch to get to you while you waved a stuffed animal at them so they’d walk to you. You played games, and cheered them on and maybe even caught those first steps on camera! And when they fell, even after they learned to walk, you helped them back up. Your kiddo will get there with impulse control, too. It may not be on your time-frame, but it’ll happen.
To help this transfer to real-life, you can work on recognizing any time that they exhibit self-restraint/impulse control, and commenting on it immediately. (This is not a group that responds well to delayed gratification.) In the meantime, I’d suggest practicing excellent self-care and getting a break when you can.
