Tag: Impulse control

Does My Kid Have ADHD? (What Else Could It Be?)

Does my child have ADHD or not?

It’s no secret that kids are being diagnosed with ADHD in the US more and more frequently. Depending on which study you read, somewhere between 5-11% of children across the US are diagnosed with ADHD. And there’s been an increase of over 3% in just 8 years! 

BUT- it’s entirely possible that many kids who are told they have ADHD are actually being misdiagnosed.

This is because the symptoms of ADHD are well known (hyperactivity, impulsiveness, lack of focus, disorganization), so it may be one of the first diagnoses doctors have in mind. And doctors and clinicians can observe these behaviors in a relatively short amount of time, which makes it easy to use for a diagnosis. 

But there are many other reasons kids may be exhibiting these behaviors most often seen with ADHD. 

Does My Child Have ADHD? Maybe Not…

ADHD is not always the answer. If you’ve been told your child has ADHD, but it doesn’t seem like the best explanation for your child’s behavior, there are other explanations.

Reasons to Question Whether or Not Your Child Has ADHD:

–There is no family history of ADHD. The hereditability rate of ADHD is around 76%. This means that if there’s someone in your (biological) family with ADHD, it’s very likely that another person will have ADHD, too. However, this also works in reverse. It’s unlikely, although possible, that one person in the gene pool will just pop up with ADHD.

–You don’t see any symptoms at home. If you’re only seeing symptoms like hyperactivity or impulsivity at school, and not at home, ADHD may not be an accurate diagnosis. For a true ADHD diagnosis, symptoms need to occur across different settings. (There’s a difference between seeing a symptom and it being a problem. It’s possible that you’re able to manage the high-energy level better at home than it can be at school. So the symptoms are still occurring across settings, but they may not be as problematic in different places.)

-If your child is receiving medication, but you don’t feel like it’s working well/correctly. It could be a sign that the brain chemistry is showing that the ADHD diagnosis is wrong. (It could also just be the wrong medication for your child; make sure to speak with your prescriber before stopping any medication as some medications can have adverse effects is suddenly stopped.)

What Else Could It Be? Other Explanations for ADHD-Like Behaviors

1. Anxiety

Anxiety makes it hard to focus, pay attention, and follow directions. Additional input is hard to process if your mind is already whirling with worries.

You may want to look into this if your child doesn’t have the typical hyperactive behaviors, but was diagnosed because of the attention-deficit part of ADHD.

2. Sensory Processing Disorder (Specifically Sensory-Seeking)

It can be tricky to tell the difference between ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. When a kid has a Sensory Processing Disorder, particularly if they’re a sensory-seeking child, they are lacking enough input on their body to tell it that they’re grounded in place. This can make them (literally) look like they’re bouncing off the wall, and they can look pretty hyperactive.

You may want to rule this diagnosis out if you have a child who can focus, but is high-energy. At this moment in time, I would recommend seeking an opinion from an OT (Occupational Therapist) since they tend to be more familiar with sensory issues than many mental health clinicians.

3. Giftedness

When kids understand the concept in 5 minutes, but the teacher spends an hour teaching, you have a recipe for boredom and lack of focus. Which can make these kids look like they have ADHD. Additionally, gifted children tend to have high (although not quite hyper) levels of energy.

These kids absolutely get misdiagnosed with ADHD. And instead of being given the education they need, they get medicated.

Black and Hispanic children are severely underrepresented in gifted programs in schools. And yet Black children are diagnosed with ADHD more often than white children, which should be a red flag.

I believe this study from the American Educational Research Association hits the nail on the head with the explanation, “What a teacher may attribute to precocity for one student may be considered disruptive behavior for another.” Of course, there are also many other variables, like access to quality education, socio-economic status, and adverse childhood events (more on that later) but don’t think the perceptions of those in charge should be discounted.  For more, here’s a great article about nurturing gifted children of color.

4. Poor Diet/Lack of Exercise or Free Time Outside

Let me start by saying, in no way do I mean to sound blaming with this one. But kids have small bodies, and they can have bigger responses to smaller doses of sugar, etc. Before you put a kid on medication, it might be worth looking at how much excess sugar, pop and caffeine they’re consuming.

Free time, especially non-structured time outside, is also critical. Kids need a chance to move their bodies. If you’re noticing an increase in hyperactive behavior during the months you stay the most indoors, this is an explanation worth exploring.

5. Learning Disorders

Non-verbal learning disorders (like dyslexia/dysgraphia/dyscalculia/slow-processing disorder) can create challenges when asked to focus at school. If you’re struggling to read the words or numbers in front of you, or you just can’t make the words come out of your pencil, chances are you’re going to lose focus and not want to pay much attention.

This could be the case if you didn’t see any signs of ADHD at home, and school was the first place it was noticed. If you think your child might have a learning disability, here are some additional steps you can take.

5. Auditory Processing Disorder

Kids with Auditory Processing Disorder have a difficult time taking in verbal instructions. They may also have a delay in responding to questions, which can make it seem like they’re not paying attention. This leads to the appearance of being inattentive, or even actual inattentiveness because it’s a challenge to pay attention. 

You may want to talk to the school psychologist about this if ADHD is being suggested as a diagnosis, but you’re not seeing much impulsivity (because all kids are a little impulsive) or hyperactivity.

6. PTSD/Stress Disorders

As much as we’d all like to think of childhood as this really idyllic, safe, wonderful time, it’s an unfortunate truth that many kids experience stressful- and even violent- events during their childhood. 

If you’re constantly stressed and in fight-or-flight (or freeze) mode, it’s hard to focus. You may also have additional energy to burn off from all the adrenaline. You may have also developed coping skills that would distract others before conflict could arise (which may appear as some ‘class clown’ type of behavior). 

Additionally, kids who live in poverty have higher incidents of adverse childhood events– most of which could be considered trigger events for PTSD. This mimics the impact of poverty on the rate of ADHD diagnosis. 

My Child Has An ADHD Diagnosis. Why Should I Mess With It?

First, let me assume you’ve read this far because you’re truly wondering if your child has ADHD. We both know that pursuing a new/additional diagnosis can be time-consuming, expensive, exhausting and even heart-breaking.

But you know your child better than anyone. Trust yourself, and follow your parenting instincts. The worst case scenario is that you don’t find any other explanation, but you get to know that you are a great advocate for your child and you tried your best. At best, you find a more correct diagnosis for your kid.

The right diagnosis can open the door to the right treatment. Seeking the most complete information about your child is a form of advocacy. And it shows your kid that you won’t stop fighting for them.

It’s important to note that ADHD can occur in addition to many of the previously discussed disorders/explanations. It is possible that you could come away from investigating this more closely with two diagnoses; the ADHD + something else. But if you have the flu and a broken leg, you’re going to want treatment for both. Not just one, and hope the other resolves on it’s own.

Does My Child Have ADHD? Getting Second Opinions

You know your child better than anyone. After educating yourself about the symptoms and what it may look like in your kid, if you still don’t think ADHD is the answer, you may want to consider a second opinion.

If you have a therapist, doctor or counselor who balks at the idea that it’s anything but ADHD, try getting another assessment from someone else. At the very minimum, they should be willing to explore and rule other diagnoses out. A good clinician will always be open to exploring and improving their diagnosis to find the answer to whether or not your child has ADHD.

So if your child has an ADHD diagnosis that isn’t sitting right with you, do some self-reflection and figure out why.

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Create An After School Routine For ADHD

Why Create An After School Routine For ADHD Kids?

Think of it this way: Your ADHD child is like a 2-liter bottle of soda-pop.

They’ve been shaken up all day at school and they’re ready to burst. You can see the plastic seams by the cap starting to expand pull apart because they want to just explode!

Everything they went through at school today- from playing with equally energetic friends to sitting still for teachers to trying their hardest to focus on a lesson- has shaken that little pop bottle more and more. And the pressure inside that plastic bottle is immense.

Without any plan in place to help them calm down, or release the pressure slowly and evenly, they will burst.

And it won’t be pretty.

Of course, some days they’ll burst before they even get home. And some days it’ll be the safety of your arms that lets them relax enough to feel safe ‘exploding’ with you.

It’s not fun for them, either. To be so out of control. To be feeling like they can’t contain themselves, and can’t put themselves back together.

So, back to the question, why would you create an after-school routine for a kid with ADHD? Because you both deserve better.

Benefits of an After School Routine for Kids With ADHD

There are so many benefits of having a strong routine or structure in your home. Especially for kids with ADHD, or lack of focus, or impulse control problems!

It can seem counter-intuitive, but kids continue to need structure when they come home from school (they seem like they need to just ‘be free’ after having structure all day). Having a predictable schedule when they come home from school can provide a smooth transition and a sense of security and safety. 

Second, structure helps limit the impact of distractions and helps by pre-setting priorities throughout the day. Which are two major problems kids with poor impulse control struggle with. 

So, having a before and after-school routine helps establish some guidelines for kids, and helps narrow their focus. They don’t lose time in the morning wondering if they should get dressed first, or eat breakfast first, or maybe just go ahead and turn on the TV because they’re overwhelmed and distracted by all the thoughts bumping around in their mind.

Questions & Myths About After School Routines for Kids with ADHD

Won’t it make home feel like school? Or a jail?
  • Structure isn’t restrictive. Think of no structure as a blank page, and structure as a coloring book. But, you’re not limited to just the picture with a coloring book; you can improvise, add things in the white space, or just color in the lines. The blank page can seem free-ing, but many kids freeze when given a blank page with zero instruction.
I’m already really busy, and this seems like an additional task I just can’t take on
  • It’s not hard to put a structure into place. And the nice thing is you can do it bit by bit! It’s one of those things in life where a little bit of work up-front makes your life so much easier in the long run.
I don’t want to nag my kid about one. more. thing.
  • If your teen or kid is struggling with impulse control, you’re already reminding them a million times a day to do (or not do) a bajillion different things. Giving your kid a routine will NOT increase what you’re reminding them about- it will give structure and predictability to what you’re telling them to do. For example, in the morning, instead of shouting, “Turn off the TV! Did you brush your hair? And your teeth? And change your underwear? Is your bed made? Did you eat breakfast?” you can use the morning routine to help trigger all those behaviors. AND, it’ll help your child learn some basic task management!
This seems like something that other families do. It wouldn’t work at my house.
  • First, your family CAN do this. Second- if your reasoning is that you’re too busy, you work outside the home, you have more kids than those other imaginary families, or your kid has worse ADHD, or whatever other reason makes it harder for your family to do have a schedule- I’d argue that you NEED this at your house even more. You are more than strong enough and smart enough to use a before-school and after-school routine in your home.

How to create a routine that works for your ADHD Child 

There are a couple ways to go about creating a routine. For example, it can be a daily, or a weekly, routine. IE, every day at 4 I do my homework, or every Saturday morning I do my chores. However, if you’re working with a kid who has a challenge focusing, you’re more likely to have success if you start with a daily schedule.

My best suggestion is to focus on one time of the day, and avoid starting with your most challenging time. So, if the mornings are your toughest time with your kid or teen, starting with the nightly routine would make the most sense, and get you the most traction. You want to make this easy for yourself and your child! 

Start with small successes and build from there!

Printable Daily & Weekly Chart for Bedtime, Before School, and After School Routines

I have a printable daily schedule template for you to use. It’s divided into three sections- morning (for before school routines), afternoon (for after-school schedules) and evening (for bedtime routines). 

There’s a page of this PDF that can be used for a whole week,  or you can take things day-by-day with the daily page. For kids who get overwhelmed easily, or who have a lot going on, the daily chart is a great option.

I have a few suggestions to help get your brain going for creating routines that work for your family.

Morning Ideas/Before-School Routines:

  • A set wake-up time
  • No TV or screens in the morning
  • A consistent order of responsibilities (have the same pattern every day: wake-up, brush teeth, get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast)
  • Include a healthy breakfast
  • Lay everything out the night before; clothes, shoes, backpacks, lunch boxes, coats/mittens, etc.
  • Use a certain playlist to cue the fact that it’s morning routine time.

Afternoon Ideas/After-School Routines:

  • Have a healthy snack prepped for when kids get home
  • Make outside play-time mandatory (There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing!) There’s a critical link between physical activity and a kid’s physical and mental health.
  • Use a scheduled/established homework time, when you can plan to stay close.
  • Work with your child’s teacher(s) to see if you can have a reasonable time-limit on homework. Some teachers go by a general guideline of 10 minutes per grade level. For example, a 3rd grader wouldn’t be expected to do more than 30 minutes of homework per night.
  • Have a reward (family time, playtime, a certain toy/activity becomes available) after homework.

Evening Ideas/Bedtime Routines:

Don’t forget about a solid nightly routine for your kid or teen! Set yourself up for success in the morning by making sure you have a well-rested kid.

  • Have some screen-free wind-down time. They can calm down by reading books, playing puzzles, or coloring.
  • Layout everything for the next morning
  • Have the same routine daily; it will start triggering their brain that it’s about time for sleep if you can help them be consistent.
  • Use scents or a warm shower/bath to your advantage.
  • Make bedtime rewarding by having it be a time you read a special book to them, or when you do snuggles, or a special ‘tuck-in’ routine.
  • Make sure phones/tablets/computers are charging in a different room overnight. Remove the temptation to get back out of bed!
  • Optional- Talk to your pediatrician about if melatonin is a good option for your kid.

Kids Thrive With Structure 

Give your kid the comfort of having a before and after school routine. It’s important for all kids, but possibly even more so for kids with ADHD.

Even a loose structure or routine can help you all have a sense of order, peace, and security. Kids need to know what to expect next, and you can play a critical role in that by providing routine. 

Please, share in the comments below, what’s been the best benefit for you in having a nightly, morning, or after school routine for ADHD?

Impulse Control Workbook PDF

Help your teen or older kid learn the steps to developing better impulse control with this free workbook!

Living with Impulsive Kids?

So, you’ve been waiting for the day when your kid is in-tune enough with themselves to begin to take some real responsibility for their impulse control. And it’s finally here!

The only problem is that you have no idea where to get started.

Managing impulse control can look a bit like climbing a mountain when you’re getting started. It looks giant and imposing, and you might have no clue where to start.

But, just as with climbing a mountain, the path starts with putting one foot in front of the other. If you’re ready to start this journey with your kid, the Impulse Control Workbook is here to guide you!

I can’t promise it will be easy, but it will be sooooo worth it. Because the view from the top is amazing!

Who Is The Impulse Control Workbook For? 

The workbook was designed for parents with kids who are struggling with impulse control. In short, it’s for parents:

  • Who want to help their kid develop more control over their impulsive behavior
  • With children who may or may not have a diagnosis of ADHD
  • Who have a teen or older kid who is capable of recognizing their impulsiveness
  • With a kid who has an identifiable problem with impulse control (ie: there is a certain area(s) of their life where their lack of impulse control is causing a problem, like blurting out answers in class, or not listening to directions at home)
  • Who are dreaming of a more peaceful, cohesive home
  • Who want their teen or older kid to have the tools to succeed, in the classroom and at life
  • And, who are determined to make a difference in their kid’s life.

What’s In The “Impulse Control Workbook” PDF?

This 7-page workbook takes a 3 step process to help teens (and older kids) develop greater self-control. 

 

Section 1- Tips for Parents

The first section helps set the stage for you as the parent. In it, you’ll learn what it takes to become prepared to teach impulse control to your teen. The goal is to set you up for success, and reduce the amount of frustration and hopelessness you may feel on this journey.

Section 2- Life Skills 

Next, in the second section, impulse control is broken down by category. There are different life skills that every person needs to mature into an emotionally healthy adult, like delayed gratification and stress management. Looking at impulse control through this lens helps clearly identify your teen’s strengths and weaknesses. And once you identify the life skills they need to develop better impulse control, you can zero in on how to best help them.

 

Section 3- Impulse Control Activities for Teens (and Older Kids!)

Lastly, this leads us to section 3- activities for impulse control for teens. This section lists out simple activities that can lead to better self-control. It’s broken down by life-skill, so they can personalize what activities make the most sense for them to work on! 

Here are 2 “sneak peak” pages of the Impulse Control Workbook!

Further Reading

You might want to check out these other articles about impulse control, ADHD, and ways to make this challenging parenting journey a little more fun!

Grab Your Copy of the Impulse Control Workbook Now

Get your FREE download by using the sign-up form below.

There are no strings attached, and you have nothing to lose!

11 Impulse Control Games You’ll Want To Play With Your Kid

Impulse Control Games You’ll Want To Play With Your Kid

Disclaimer- I am a member of the Amazon affiliates program. Should you make a purchase, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you.

HOW DO YOU HELP A CHILD WITH IMPULSE CONTROL?

If you really want to make a dramatic impact on your kid’s ability for impulse control, it’s something you’re going to need to work on every day.

But, a kid’s job is to play. Working on their ‘stuff’ should never feel like work. If it does, you’re doing it wrong.

So to help with that, I’ve compiled a list of board games to help keep it fun. There are some classics, but there are also some I promise you haven’t heard of before!

If board games realllly aren’t your thing, read about these fun activities for better impulse control!

Incorporating Impulse Control Games Into Your Life

Here are some great ways to seamlessly incorporate these games into your life. After all, if won’t do you any good if your kids are suspicious about why you’re suddenly shoving board games in their face.

1. Add It to Your Game Rotation

If you’re already a board game type family, this should come easily! Just swap out a few games you’re already playing. Or add a few of these to your rotation of favorites.

2. Family Game Night

If you’re not big on board games in your house, try implementing a family game night. You could have Friday Family Funday! Not only is the alliteration great, it’s helpful to already have a plan for Friday night since you’ll probably be exhausted from the week. (I know I am!) Throw in a frozen pizza or two, and bam! A new family ritual is born!

3. Alternative to Screen-Time

You can also use these games an alternative to screens. Many of these games won’t require parental involvement after the first round or two (although that probably won’t stop your kids from asking you to play non-stop!). That makes it the perfect alternative to suggest when your kid’s ask if they can turn on the tv or tablet. Some of these would make a good quiet-time activity, too, if you still have little ones who nap during the day.

4. Get Kids Moving On A Rainy Day

Lastly, some of these impulse control games will get your kid up and moving- in a controlled way. It’s ideal for rainy days, days when you’re stuck inside, or maybe the entire winter season!

What Makes It An Impulse Control Game?

In order to call it an “impulse control game” (a category I might have just invented!), I’m looking for something that will give your kid that tiny moment of frustration. But the game needs to balance that with being so much fun that your kid actually wants to take that deep breath and continue.

Alternatively, it could be something that strengthens their endurance for attention (here’s looking at you, puzzles and Taco, Cat, Goat, Cheese, Pizza). Or something that makes them maintain control of their bodies (like Bounce-off and Twister). I’m not necessarily looking for it to be a learning game full of strategy and decision-making.

Games that can help kids improve their impulse control and self-control

Category 1: The Classics


Operation, by Hasbro. Ages 6+

1. Operation

Operation is one of those classic games that hits that sweet spot of being fun and exciting, but will force your kid to take a deep breath to steady their body if they want to avoid setting off the buzzer! If you really want to kick this up a notch, to your kids, pick-up a version that speaks to their special interest. There are options, like a Chewbacca/Star Wars, Trolls, and even Despicable Me!


Twister, by Hasbro. Ages 6+

2. Twister

This is another great classic game that requires full-body control! It’s also a great winter/rainy day game because it’ll help their need for movement! Kids under the age of 6 could probably play the game if you were flexible about their ability to actually reach their body across the board.


Jenga, by Hasbro. Ages 6+

3. Jenga

Jenga is the last impulse control game in the classics category. Don’t let the simplicity of the game fool you into thinking it can’t teach impulse control! Part of it’s beauty is how easy the rules are to follow, so your kid can focus on trying to not knock the tower over. For a bonus, you need to perform two controlled movements- one to remove the block and one to replace the block- per turn. Perfect for teaching self-regulation!

Category 2: For Younger Kids (ages 4-6)


Silly Street, by Buffalo Games. Ages 4+

4. Silly Street

Silly Street is for ages 4 and up. It’s a blast to play, with lots of silly shenanigans for even the youngest player. I think you could definitely have fun with this one, even with younger siblings, though. On vacation, we even had a 2-year-old join in (on a kid-parent team; but still!).

It’s positives are that it’s a straightforward game to play, it doesn’t last forever! It’s a great game for impulse control because kids have to wait for their turn to come back around, and they may get cards they don’t like, etc. It also helps develop focus because you need to pay attention- but it’s so fun your kid’s won’t even notice their gaining some awesome skills!


Rhino Hero, by HABA. Ages 5+

5. Rhino Hero

This game is a blast for the family. It’s essentially a building game, where you use cards to build up a tower so that the very brave and heroic rhinos can climb up! It’s great for kids with ADHD (and even kids who struggle with their sense of proprioception) because it requires body control, dexterity and spatial awareness. It’s also the winner of the Major Fun! Award, the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval, and the PTPA (Parent Tested – Parent Approved)!


Magic Labyrinth, by Drei Magler Spiele. Ages 6+

6. Magic Labyrinth

Magic Labyrinth is a magical board game that elementary AND middle schoolers will love. There are varying levels of difficulty, which makes it versatile enough for the whole family to enjoy. The goal is to collect objects while going through a hidden maze. It’s the perfect game for impulse control because kids have to slow down since their memory will be tested in this game. Dealing with (literal) obstacles in their way is a nice challenge, too!


Qwirkle, by Mindware. Age 6+

7  . Qwirkle

Qwirkle is an awesome game for developing impulse control! Even though it’s playable for younger kids, the strategy and skill make it (in my opinion) more fun to play for older kids. It promotes flexible thinking, future planning, and adjusting on the fly (like if someone ‘steals’ the move they planned). A great skill set for ANYONE to learn!

Category 3: Older Kids (Ages 7+)


Bounce-Off, by Mattel. Ages 7+

8. Bounce-Off

Bounce-Off is a combo of ping pong and Connect 4. It’s lots of fun, and they won’t even notice the effort they’re putting in to control their bodies to give the ball a controlled bounce. This game is about skill instead of strategy, so it puts parents and kids on a fairly even playing field. Bounce-Off gets everyone up and moving, so it might be a good game for the kid who doesn’t like board games. It’s also a great party game that even your older middle schoolers and high schoolers will enjoy playing with their friends!


Suspend, by Melissa & Doug. Ages 8+

9. Suspend

Suspend requires LOTS of body control. The rules are simple, but the technique is tricky! You have to keep placing the bent (rubber-tipped) wires on the structure, without knocking it all over! Perfect for kids with ADHD since it’ll help develop their strategic thinking, hand-eye coordination, and logic. There’s even a Junior version for ages 4+ if your younger kids are intrigued by it!


Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza, by DolphinHat Games. Ages 8+

10. Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza

Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza isn’t a new, weird flavor of pizza; it’s a hilarious and fast-paced card game! There’s so much movement and action that your kid won’t even notice that they’re mastering their impulses on every turn. (Seriously, it’s harder than you think to identify a taco when someone tells you with conviction that it’s a goat! I dare you not to flinch!) Bonus: It’s a quick game, so you won’t be stuck playing it forever. And it’s tons of fun for adults, too!

Category 4: Puzzles


Puzzles! For Everyone!

11. Puzzles

Puzzles deserve to be their own category. There are so many different levels of puzzles, so it’s a good option for all ages. And they offer so many benefits!

They promote visual motor planning, concentration, attention to detail, and can even help with centering yourself and calming down!

Your youngest kids can start with 12 piece wooden puzzles, like the ones by Melissa & Doug, or with giant floor puzzles covered in characters they love. From there you can work up to 60 or 100 piece sets!

Then the sky’s the limit! 500 piece puzzles (or larger) are great for families to work on together and come back to. Or even if you want to set it up as an ongoing project- I know several families that love to have a puzzle going during the winter months, especially. Just grab a puzzle mat or card table and you’re good to go!

Bonus: Make Up Your Own Game

You can even encourage your kids to create their own board game for family game night! Give them some poster board and art supplies and watch their creativity flow!

Impulse Control Games for the Win!

There are so many board games that will help develop better impulse control in your kid! From the classics, to ones for preschoolers, all the way to high schoolers. Board games don’t have to be tedious anymore!

Commit to helping your kid, and commit to making it fun! How will you- routinely- incorporate games to help impulse control into your life? Which one sounded like the most fun? If you have other suggestions for games that have worked for your family, share your ideas in the comment section!

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Impulse Control Activities for Teens

This is Part 3 of a series about impulse control for kids and teens. Click on the links for Parts 1, 2 and 4.

Impulse Control is an Essential Skill to Develop

But I don’t need to convince you. MOST parents I talk to are already way on board with wanting to help their kid, tween or teen gain impulse-control (or self-control) skills. But actually helping our teens learn impulse control skills is a much different task. Talking about it, telling them they need more impulse control, and lectures won’t get us anywhere. The best way to teach is through specifically designed impulse control activities for teens, tweens and big kids.

Tips for Parents Before Teaching Impulse Control Activities For Teens

Before you dive in- whenever you’re working with a teenager, you need to know it’s a two way street. We still have to prepare ourselves as parents, even more than when they were younger. I have a couple of suggestions to help ensure that once you get to the point of actually implementing these impulse control activities for teens things will go more smoothly.

1. Have Realistic Expectations

Don’t set the bar too high, but don’t set it too low, either. If you know what they’re currently capable of, your expectation should be 1 or maybe 2 steps beyond that. Also, understand that there will always be some low-level impulsive ‘stuff’ to their personality. Yes, it may drive you crazy, but try not to get bogged down by the little things.

2. Use Routines to your advantage

You can initially reduce some of the need for impulse control by using routines. These are people who desperately need routines and structure. When your brain is acting like a pinball machine, structure is a safe place to rest; even if your teen seems resistant to it at first. If you’re on a diet, (which takes an immense amount of impulse control) you would set yourself up for success by removing the treats from your house, and planning out your meals. Give your teens the same benefit with routine in their life! Just because they’re impulsive, doesn’t mean they need- or even want- everything to be spontaneous.

3. Give Extra Support to the Extra Challenging Times

If you can, create extra structure around a particularly stressful time of day (or event- like exams) to help find more peace. Is getting to school on time a challenge? Implement a routine for night that includes making sure clothes are laid out, homework- and anything else they need- is already in the backpack, etc.

4. Get Their Buy-In

When you’re working with a teen, you need their buy-in to implement change. Find the common ground during a calm moment. For example, “Can we both agree that there’s too much fighting in the mornings before school?” Instead of “You’re always running late, and it’s not ok.” Maybe your teen has some ideas about what would help them be on time? If you give them the time and space to open up, you might be surprised how insightful they are!

5. Pick One Area to Work On at A Time

Have you ever had a big project going on at work, while you’re trying to stay on a very strict diet, and you’re also not spending money because you’re on a tight budget?  It’s completely overwhelming to focus on so many things, and share your attention span and impulse control over so many facets of your life. Classwork, peers, girl/boyfriends, jobs, parents, and extracurriculars are all vying for that limited amount of impulse control.  So, from where I’m standing, you have two choices for deciding which area to start with. Option 1– Where is impulse-control getting your kid into trouble the most? Are they interrupting, or wandering, or chronically late? Choose one topic, and if you can, break it down even smaller, like working on not interrupting your teachers (we’ll get to parents later). Think of it as ‘niching down.’ Option 2– Where will you be able to make the biggest impact the quickest? Will simply making sure the homework actually gets back to school be the biggest difference maker? You could choose to focus on that first.

6. Understand They Will Still Need Your Help

Teens are doing everything they can to gain more and more independence- which is completely developmentally appropriate! So I understand that it feels incongruent to say that they need even more help right now. But when we give them a new task to try, they’re going to need our support. If they have support, they’ll be more successful, which will give them more confidence, which will make them want to continue on their own. Once they’re confident in the task, you can peel back some of your support- layer by layer.

7. Practice, Practice, Practice

Impulse control is best compared to a muscle, and not a set of knowledge. You can’t go to the gym once a month, or even once a week, and really expect to grow stronger. This isn’t something that can be taught once, and then you expect them to know how to do it. It will take consistent work, for a lifetime, to grow and keep the impulse control ‘muscles’ strong.

8. Be A Good Role-Model

The need to continue practicing impulse control extends into our adult lives. So be the best role-model you can! If you can’t be perfect, (and no one expects you to be!) talk about it with your kid. You can even check out ideas for improving your own impulse control.

Life Skills to Improve Impulse Control

So, now that you have your teen’s buy-in, let’s talk about what skills actually make a difference in improving impulse control. Then we’ll get to translating those skills into actual impulse control activities for teens.

First, teenagers need to continue in their emotional, mental and social development. As they continue developing, the brain matures through experience and they can start to feel some of the regret, and see the social consequences of poor impulse control. And with greater mental development, they will gain the ability to think about different behaviors that would lead to different outcomes.

Second, we need to help them with their stress-reduction skills. Think about when you’re most likely to break your diet and have that dessert, or glass of wine, you told yourself you wouldn’t. It’s not when you’re calm and in control. It’s when you’re feeling stressed out, and out of control. Most teens experience a tremendous amounts of stress, so giving them better stress-reduction techniques can help improve impulse control in the same way it can help you stick to a diet, etc.

Third, we can help our teenagers develop mindfulness. This goes hand in hand with stress-reduction. But by learning mindfulness, too, they can start sensing their body’s physical cues about when stress and impulses are about to take over. Mindfulness is excellent for helping overall regulation. If you think of your teen as a car, that would be the care and maintenance part. It’s also great for quick stress-reduction, which addresses ’emergency repairs.’

Fourth, we need to give them concrete problem-solving skills. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If we haven’t taught our teens to respond in a different way when a problem arises, they will continue with the same problematic (impulsive) behavior from the past. We need to give them the tools to be able to step-back, analyze, and solve a problem.

Lastly, we need to provide them opportunities to practice delayed gratification. The need for instant gratification can get teens into a lot of trouble. Unprotected sex, verbal outbursts, physical aggression, and using drugs are all things people do because they ‘wanted to’ or because it felt like the right thing at the time. If you’re asking, “Why did you do that?” and getting responses like, “I don’t know,” “just because,” or “because I wanted to,” chances are you’re dealing with a teen with very little ability to tolerate delayed gratification.

Impulse Control Activities for Teens

I’ll break these activities down by life-skill. Many of these skills may seem basic to you as an adult, but your teen may need a reminder to use the new tools in their toolbox. Gentle, friendly reminders are going to help them create routines and new, positive habits. But they won’t be able to do it without you. New habits can take at least 28 days to build, but they can fall apart quicker than that through sporadic use.

1. Emotional, Mental and Social Development

  • Organized sports/activities/clubs
  • Keep a journal; reflect on when you were able to exhibit impulse control, and when you were not. What did you mean to happen?
  • Have a few pre-planned responses to help ward off peer pressure
  • For teens with trouble regulating time, use a planner with hour (or even half hour) time slots. Build in timers and routines for filling out the planner and referencing it. (Read about more time management tips for teens here.)

2. Stress-Reduction Techniques

  • Take a shower
  • Have a mantra or Bible passage memorized. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NRSV) is a personal favorite, but a quick Google or Pinterest search will help you find many more.
  • Write out the things you are, and are NOT in control of.
  • Practice deep breathing.
  • Dance
  • Physical activity
  • Blowing bubbles
  • Coloring
  • Journaling

3. Developing Mindfulness

  • Practice yoga, meditation, or even just controlled breathing
  • Identify  which situations are most likely to get you in trouble, then work backwards. What feelings do you have before it? What events precede it? Are you misreading situations? (Also applies to Continued Development and Problem-Solving Skills.)
  • Use the “Stop, think, go” technique when you start to have feelings that indicate impulsivity.

4. Problem-solving Skills

  • Understand problem areas, and develop a few planned responses
  • Practice breaking problems down into smaller chunks
  • Ask for help
  • Make a plan
  • Step back, and come back to the problem later with fresh eyes

5. Practicing Delayed Gratification

  • Plan and budget for a special purchase
  • Gardening
  • Long-term (start with 1-2 weeks, and build from there) crafts or projects.
  • Large puzzles

Bonus- Activities for Impulsive Interrupting/Verbal Outbursts

If these techniques are mainly going to be used in a classroom setting, your teen may want to talk to their teachers, or you could send a quick email to let them know what’s going on, so your kid doesn’t feel pressured or rushed. I would recommend practicing this at home to the point where your teen is comfortable before bring this to school, though.

  • Before talking, practice taking a deep breath, and taking that extra second to consider the response.
  • Practice literally talking slower.
  • ‘Parrot’ back the question. Try not to repeat word for word, but state your understanding. “So, you’re asking if…” This one take a lot of practice.
  • Use imagery to help. Imagine a zipper on your mouth. Or, imagine your mouth is stuffed full of marshmallows, and you can only respond with 1 or 2 words.

Removing the Layers of Support

Your support is critical to your teen. If they try to push you away, or act like the don’t want or need your help, just remember that they’re doing their developmental job. It also probably means you need some more buy-in from them.

Once they have developed the routine, you can slowly remove some of your supports. But think of it like Jenga- things don’t go well if you just take 10 pieces at once out of the base. But if you slowly and strategically remove blocks from the bottom, you can be left with something that stands stronger and taller than when you started.

If you’ve been left feeling drained, exhausted, and out of ideas, sign up for the newsletter! I will help build you back up, through encouragement, new tips, and by being someone to bounce ideas off of. I hope to hear from you soon!

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Impulse Control Activities For Kids: Teaching The Basics

This is Part 1 in a series about impulse control for children and teens. Click on the links for Part 2: How to Teach Impulse Control in Children or for Part 3: Impulse Control Activities for Teens.

 

Impulse Control Is Critical

Kids without impulse control are hard to manage. They are reactors, and not thinkers, which can make parenting them feel like your parenting a hand-grenade. You never know when they’ll have a fit or meltdown, try to run away, throw something across the room, or act out aggressively.  Learning impulse control is imperative for kids, whether they are typically developing or they are experiencing a range of mental health or cognitive disorders. 

 

Impulse Control Is Part of Child Development

Impulse control isn’t about “bad kids” and “good kids.” It’s about whether their brain has had a chance to develop brakes. I know it’s not a scientific term, but it really is the best descriptor I’ve found. Just because your child is having fits, or throwing something across the room DOES NOT mean they are a “bad kid.” Their brain simply hasn’t had a chance to develop yet.

Everyone will eventually develop these brakes that stop us from impulsively making poor choices- like eating an entire bowl full of cookie dough, or running out into the street without looking to chase a ball. (Interestingly, a new way to conceptualize ADHD is as a developmental delay in impulse control.) Impulse control, or self-restraint, will vary in strength from person to person- like other personality traits. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give it a helping hand!

 

Teaching Impulse Control

I hear you! It’s REALLY hard to live with a kid who’s throwing things, hitting people, or running out into the street because they’re not thinking it through. The good news is, you can help them develop impulse control with practice. The bad news is, it’s also going to take patience because you literally have to wait for their brain to develop. But you can help their brain start making all the connections and create the right pathways through practice. You’ve helped your kid achieve a million other milestones, and you can help coach them to learn better impulse control, too! 

There are actually a lot of similarities to teaching impulse control, and potty training. In potty training, the kid has to recognize the feeling of needing to use the bathroom, understand what it means, and then choose to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. And in both cases, some kids will be a breeze to teach, and will seemingly pick this up by themselves. Others will be a hard-fought battle, whether due to temperament or developmental delays or cognitive differences. The silver-lining here is that the most difficult challenges are the sweetest to overcome!

 

Parent Or Coach?

As a sidebar before these awesome practice activities- I know coaching and teaching your kid to go further than they thought possible is an amazing part of being a parent. But being the person who loves them unconditionally, and thinks they’re perfect and wonderful and amazing just how they are? That’s something only you can do. You are their parent, and it’s an awesome and singular responsibility. Take some pressure off yourself; you’re not their therapist. So don’t push too hard, follow your child’s lead with these activities, build-up their tolerance gradually, and have fun!

 

Impulse Control Activities for Kids

 

1. Red Light, Green Light

It may not be a fancy, or glamorous game, but this has all the components of good activity for developing impulse control. The kid has to listen, has to choose to follow the rules, must have control of their body, and has to temporarily do something they don’t want to (i.e.: stop at the “red light”).

 

2. Simon Says 

Another low-tech, no-prep impulse control activity for children that focuses on listening, body control, and the ability to physically restrain yourself. 

 

3. Balloon Toss

This one takes 15 seconds of prep-work. Give your kid an inflated balloon, and ask them not to throw it up in the air for 30 sec. (or less depending on your kid- this isn’t a punishment.) You want them to have that feeling of “but I waaaaant to” before you let them toss it a few times. Then talk about that feeling, and how they were able to overcome it. Just for a few sentences; this shouldn’t be a lecture! They just exemplified impulse control!!

 

4. Board Games 

Turn taking is an excellent way to practice restraining impulsive behavior! Games like Chutes and Ladders, Sorry, Trouble, or Monopoly, where there are negatives like being sent back to the start (or jail!!), provide a second-layer of ‘fun discomfort’ to challenge your kid! Try these less common board games for impulse control for a great twist on game night 

 

5. Organized Sports

Many communities start offering organized sports around age 3. Don’t worry about whether or not your kid will be good! It’s not about that. Even super young organized sports require basic listening, sharing and self-restraint. And playing on a team can be a fun way to practice these skills, and maybe even make some friends!  

 

Transferring These Skills To Real-Life

You may be feeling anxious for these skills to start showing in real-life, instead of just games. But remember when your sweet little baby started walking? He or she didn’t start just walking down the street by themselves! And you didn’t berate them for holding onto the couch to get to you while you waved a stuffed animal at them so they’d walk to you. You played games, and cheered them on and maybe even caught those first steps on camera! And when they fell, even after they learned to walk, you helped them back up. Your kiddo will get there with impulse control, too. It may not be on your time-frame, but it’ll happen.

To help this transfer to real-life, you can work on recognizing any time that they exhibit self-restraint/impulse control, and commenting on it immediately. (This is not a group that responds well to delayed gratification.) In the meantime, I’d suggest practicing excellent self-care and getting a break when you can. 

Have patience, and have fun! 

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