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Book Review for “Differently Wired”
Differently Wired, (affiliate link), explores the challenges of parents and caregivers raising kids who are developing outside the norm. Differently Wired is a very inclusive term, which can mean everything from learning disabilities, developmental delays, and Down’s Syndrome, to autism and/or giftedness. It’s basically any diagnosis that would result in kids thinking, learning, or behaving differently. It’s a book about changing our mindsets, for the better. To proudly stand beside our kids, to grow with them, to advocate for them.
Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. By Deborah Reber
The author, Deborah Reber, spends the first section of the book laying out why we can no longer accept the status quo- both as parents and as a society- for our kids. She then goes into how we can shift our mindset, with “TiLTS” in thinking.
The TiLTS can mainly be grouped into the categories of: 1) letting your child be the wonderful person they are; 2) finding personal growth as a parent, and; 3) advocacy and how to deal with the world/school systems. Each of the 18 TiLTS is an easily digestible chapter, complete with pro-tips and actionable advice.
It’s (sadly) not often we hear the up-side of diagnoses like dyslexia (an amazing ability to rotate shapes and figures in your mind!) or any of the many other causes of being differently wired addressed in the book. But she insists on you- and others- seeing your child with their strengths first. She somehow also balances this with our need to sometimes grieve about the loss of the “typical” dream. But she doesn’t let you stay down for long! In fact, one of my favorite quotes from the book,
“Maybe, just maybe, a bad day is actually a good day in disguise.” (Page 131)
Differently Wired is written from the author’s perspective as the parent of a son with autism, giftedness and ADHD, and she leans heavily on her own experiences. But she does bring in plenty of other experts, and anecdotes from people in her community to help balance it. I do believe any parent of a differently wired child would be able to take something positive away from this book.
Who Should Read Differently Wired?
This book is primarily for parents and caregivers of differently wired children. It would also be a very worthwhile read for anyone spending a lot of time around these kids- like grandparents, teachers, or coaches. If you’re a parent of a typically developing child, it’s an interesting read to broaden your horizons, but it may not be “required” reading.
Yes! I emphatically recommend it! To be honest, I had meant to quickly skim this book so I could get this review to you almost a month ago. But once I started, I couldn’t put it down quickly. It deserved to be read. Every. Single. Word. As a parent of 2 differently wired kids, this spoke to me personally, and to the balancing act between the ‘normal’ and differently wired worlds I occupy as their mom. Reber scoops you up, and lets you know you are not in this alone. And that’s the real power of this book.
Are there any parenting books you’re on the fence about reading, or would like me to review? Let me know in the comments below, and I promise to add them to the list!
But I don’t need to convince you. MOST parents I talk to are already way on board with wanting to help their kid, tween or teen gain impulse-control (or self-control) skills. But actually helping our teens learn impulse control skills is a much different task. Talking about it, telling them they need more impulse control, and lectures won’t get us anywhere. The best way to teach is through specifically designed impulse control activities for teens, tweens and big kids.
Tips for Parents Before Teaching Impulse Control Activities For Teens
Before you dive in- whenever you’re working with a teenager, you need to know it’s a two way street. We still have to prepare ourselves as parents, even more than when they were younger. I have a couple of suggestions to help ensure that once you get to the point of actually implementing these impulse control activities for teens things will go more smoothly.
1. Have Realistic Expectations
Don’t set the bar too high, but don’t set it too low, either. If you know what they’re currently capable of, your expectation should be 1 or maybe 2 steps beyond that. Also, understand that there will always be some low-level impulsive ‘stuff’ to their personality. Yes, it may drive you crazy, but try not to get bogged down by the little things.
2. Use Routines to your advantage
You can initially reduce some of the need for impulse control by using routines. These are people who desperately need routines and structure. When your brain is acting like a pinball machine, structure is a safe place to rest; even if your teen seems resistant to it at first. If you’re on a diet, (which takes an immense amount of impulse control) you would set yourself up for success by removing the treats from your house, and planning out your meals. Give your teens the same benefit with routine in their life! Just because they’re impulsive, doesn’t mean they need- or even want- everything to be spontaneous.
3. Give Extra Support to the Extra Challenging Times
If you can, create extra structure around a particularly stressful time of day (or event- like exams) to help find more peace. Is getting to school on time a challenge? Implement a routine for night that includes making sure clothes are laid out, homework- and anything else they need- is already in the backpack, etc.
4. Get Their Buy-In
When you’re working with a teen, you need their buy-in to implement change. Find the common ground during a calm moment. For example, “Can we both agree that there’s too much fighting in the mornings before school?” Instead of “You’re always running late, and it’s not ok.” Maybe your teen has some ideas about what would help them be on time? If you give them the time and space to open up, you might be surprised how insightful they are!
5. Pick One Area to Work On at A Time
Have you ever had a big project going on at work, while you’re trying to stay on a very strict diet, and you’re also not spending money because you’re on a tight budget? It’s completely overwhelming to focus on so many things, and share your attention span and impulse control over so many facets of your life. Classwork, peers, girl/boyfriends, jobs, parents, and extracurriculars are all vying for that limited amount of impulse control. So, from where I’m standing, you have two choices for deciding which area to start with. Option 1– Where is impulse-control getting your kid into trouble the most? Are they interrupting, or wandering, or chronically late? Choose one topic, and if you can, break it down even smaller, like working on not interrupting your teachers (we’ll get to parents later). Think of it as ‘niching down.’ Option 2– Where will you be able to make the biggest impact the quickest? Will simply making sure the homework actually gets back to school be the biggest difference maker? You could choose to focus on that first.
6. Understand They Will Still Need Your Help
Teens are doing everything they can to gain more and more independence- which is completely developmentally appropriate! So I understand that it feels incongruent to say that they need even more help right now. But when we give them a new task to try, they’re going to need our support. If they have support, they’ll be more successful, which will give them more confidence, which will make them want to continue on their own. Once they’re confident in the task, you can peel back some of your support- layer by layer.
7. Practice, Practice, Practice
Impulse control is best compared to a muscle, and not a set of knowledge. You can’t go to the gym once a month, or even once a week, and really expect to grow stronger. This isn’t something that can be taught once, and then you expect them to know how to do it. It will take consistent work, for a lifetime, to grow and keep the impulse control ‘muscles’ strong.
8. Be A Good Role-Model
The need to continue practicing impulse control extends into our adult lives. So be the best role-model you can! If you can’t be perfect, (and no one expects you to be!) talk about it with your kid. You can even check out ideas for improving your own impulse control.
Life Skills to Improve Impulse Control
So, now that you have your teen’s buy-in, let’s talk about what skills actually make a difference in improving impulse control. Then we’ll get to translating those skills into actual impulse control activities for teens.
First, teenagers need to continue in their emotional, mental and social development. As they continue developing, the brain matures through experience and they can start to feel some of the regret, and see the social consequences of poor impulse control. And with greater mental development, they will gain the ability to think about different behaviors that would lead to different outcomes.
Second, we need to help them with their stress-reduction skills. Think about when you’re most likely to break your diet and have that dessert, or glass of wine, you told yourself you wouldn’t. It’s not when you’re calm and in control. It’s when you’re feeling stressed out, and out of control. Most teens experience a tremendous amounts of stress, so giving them better stress-reduction techniques can help improve impulse control in the same way it can help you stick to a diet, etc.
Third, we can help our teenagers develop mindfulness. This goes hand in hand with stress-reduction. But by learning mindfulness, too, they can start sensing their body’s physical cues about when stress and impulses are about to take over. Mindfulness is excellent for helping overall regulation. If you think of your teen as a car, that would be the care and maintenance part. It’s also great for quick stress-reduction, which addresses ’emergency repairs.’
Fourth, we need to give them concrete problem-solving skills. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If we haven’t taught our teens to respond in a different way when a problem arises, they will continue with the same problematic (impulsive) behavior from the past. We need to give them the tools to be able to step-back, analyze, and solve a problem.
Lastly, we need to provide them opportunities to practice delayed gratification. The need for instant gratification can get teens into a lot of trouble. Unprotected sex, verbal outbursts, physical aggression, and using drugs are all things people do because they ‘wanted to’ or because it felt like the right thing at the time. If you’re asking, “Why did you do that?” and getting responses like, “I don’t know,” “just because,” or “because I wanted to,” chances are you’re dealing with a teen with very little ability to tolerate delayed gratification.
Impulse Control Activities for Teens
I’ll break these activities down by life-skill. Many of these skills may seem basic to you as an adult, but your teen may need a reminder to use the new tools in their toolbox. Gentle, friendly reminders are going to help them create routines and new, positive habits. But they won’t be able to do it without you. New habits can take at least 28 days to build, but they can fall apart quicker than that through sporadic use.
1. Emotional, Mental and Social Development
Organized sports/activities/clubs
Keep a journal; reflect on when you were able to exhibit impulse control, and when you were not. What did you mean to happen?
Have a few pre-planned responses to help ward off peer pressure
For teens with trouble regulating time, use a planner with hour (or even half hour) time slots. Build in timers and routines for filling out the planner and referencing it. (Read about more time management tips for teens here.)
2. Stress-Reduction Techniques
Take a shower
Have a mantra or Bible passage memorized. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NRSV) is a personal favorite, but a quick Google or Pinterest search will help you find many more.
Write out the things you are, and are NOT in control of.
Practice deep breathing.
Dance
Physical activity
Blowing bubbles
Coloring
Journaling
3. Developing Mindfulness
Practice yoga, meditation, or even just controlled breathing
Identify which situations are most likely to get you in trouble, then work backwards. What feelings do you have before it? What events precede it? Are you misreading situations? (Also applies to Continued Development and Problem-Solving Skills.)
Use the “Stop, think, go” technique when you start to have feelings that indicate impulsivity.
4. Problem-solving Skills
Understand problem areas, and develop a few planned responses
Practice breaking problems down into smaller chunks
Ask for help
Make a plan
Step back, and come back to the problem later with fresh eyes
5. Practicing Delayed Gratification
Plan and budget for a special purchase
Gardening
Long-term (start with 1-2 weeks, and build from there) crafts or projects.
Large puzzles
Bonus- Activities for Impulsive Interrupting/Verbal Outbursts
If these techniques are mainly going to be used in a classroom setting, your teen may want to talk to their teachers, or you could send a quick email to let them know what’s going on, so your kid doesn’t feel pressured or rushed. I would recommend practicing this at home to the point where your teen is comfortable before bring this to school, though.
Before talking, practice taking a deep breath, and taking that extra second to consider the response.
Practice literally talking slower.
‘Parrot’ back the question. Try not to repeat word for word, but state your understanding. “So, you’re asking if…” This one take a lot of practice.
Use imagery to help. Imagine a zipper on your mouth. Or, imagine your mouth is stuffed full of marshmallows, and you can only respond with 1 or 2 words.
Removing the Layers of Support
Your support is critical to your teen. If they try to push you away, or act like the don’t want or need your help, just remember that they’re doing their developmental job. It also probably means you need some more buy-in from them.
Once they have developed the routine, you can slowly remove some of your supports. But think of it like Jenga- things don’t go well if you just take 10 pieces at once out of the base. But if you slowly and strategically remove blocks from the bottom, you can be left with something that stands stronger and taller than when you started.
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How many times do you find yourself saying “Whhhhy did you do that?!”
If it’s too many to count, you’re probably struggling with poor impulse control in children at your house.
And to top it off, is your kid’s response your questioning “Why,” just a shoulder shrug and “I dunno.” Or, “I just wanted to”?!
It’s frustrating on a good day, and it’s downright infuriating on the others! It’s like a brick wall that blocks all further conversation, and stops your from taking any steps forward.
But even if you can’t move forward, you still have options. You can take a step back.
If your son or daughter doesn’t recognize the cause of their action, we need to address that before we’re able to move on to the action itself. I really like the analogy of teaching impulse control in children to teaching potty-training. Because A) it’s something we’ve all done with our kids, B) it’s massively based on child development, and C) even though it can be hard to teach -and learn- the payoffs are enormous.
The First Steps of Impulse Control
The steps from ‘going’ in a diaper to using a potty need to include recognizing the urge, understanding what it means, and then choosing to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. There can be different feelings behind impulsive behavior for kids; anger, anxiety, or even joy. Cognitive differences, such as ADHD, autism or developmental delays also contribute to poor impulse control in children. Kid’s developmental stage has a huge impact on impulsive behavior. Strong emotions have the ability to block out rational thought, so we need to control our emotions before we’re able to control our thoughts and actions.
So the first step is recognizing the feeling.
Steps For Better Impulse Control In Children
Maybe I should clarify, and say that the first step is really for kids to recognize the feeling AND label it. It does us no good if you’re calling something yellow, and I’m calling it green. We’ll be mixed up and confused before we can even talk about what to DO with the emotions. We need to be on the same page, and that starts with the language we use. In light of that, here are some first steps to addressing impulse control in children.
1. Sensations in the Body are the first clue
This is huge. Kids often experience feelings in their bodies before they understand their emotions. Things like upset stomachs, a dizzy head, and clenched fists are all great clues for how a kid is feeling. You might even call anger the ‘tight fist feeling’ (if that’s the actual physical response your kid has- otherwise fill in the blank) before it starts to really click in your kid’s head that the emotion they’re having is anger.
2. Use the kid’s own language
If your son or daughter says, “I feel worried” or “my stomach gets sick about getting an answer wrong at school” that’s a goldmine! Use THEIR words! When you parrot it back, just say, “I’m so sorry to hear your stomach gets sick, let’s talk about that.” You don’t have to try and translate it to “you sound like you’re anxious.” They’ll feel more understood, and accepted for who they are, if you’re taking the effort to listen to exactly what they’re saying. Which, will make them more likely to talk about it with you in the future!
3. Use Lots of Books
So your kid’s not a talker? That doesn’t mean they get to shut down the whole conversation. Don’t underestimate the power of a good book, especially for topics like impulse control in children. They can be a great tool for starting conversations, normalizing feelings, and giving kids the language to talk about what’s going on with them! Some books to check out (These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon associate I earn from qualifying purchases):
If you can’t find a book about a specific topic, or don’t feel like running out to the library, you can always tell a short story. Keep it short and simple, and close to your kid’s situation without being an exact duplicate. *Hint hint* The story doesn’t actually have to be about a friend. It could be your younger self, or it could be a made-up person. Or if you’re not comfortable with your story-telling skills, you could flip the script and ask your kid to tell you a story (about someone in their position) instead.
5. Talk About Feelings In Everyday Life
Tell your kid(s) how you’re feeling -while still maintaining boundaries, please- to help normalize that humans feel all kinds of emotions. There’s no wrong emotion- it’s just about what you do with it. (I.e.: Your kid is allowed to feel mad, but they’re not allowed to hit.) I like to also drive the point home with reinforcing the physical aspects of emotions. So I might tell kids, “when I get nervous or scared, my chest feels tight, like there’s an elephant sitting on it.” When I can use descriptive language like that, I’m much more likely to get them to chime in with something like, “Oh yeah!! I felt like that when I couldn’t see my mom at school pick-up!”
Start Talking About Impulse Control In Children
We can help improve impulse control in children by giving them the language to talk about it. How are you currently talking about feelings, in general, with your kid? Are you helping them make the connections? Did you think of a specific word or phrase they use, especially about impulsive behaviors?
The free printable (that you can grab right above!) has some prompts and spaces where you can write down these answers for a quick reference.
Which of these steps do you think your kid, in particular, would relate to best? Let me know in the comments below!
GET MORE HELP!
A new course, Easier Impulse Control, designed specifically to help stressed-out parents with kids who have impulsive behaviors is here!
Learn the trick to finding the strengths in your kid’s behaviors
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Kids without impulse control are hard to manage. They are reactors, and not thinkers, which can make parenting them feel like your parenting a hand-grenade. You never know when they’ll have a fit or meltdown, try to run away, throw something across the room, or act out aggressively. Learning impulse control is imperative for kids, whether they are typically developing or they are experiencing a range of mental health or cognitive disorders.
Impulse Control Is Part of Child Development
Impulse control isn’t about “bad kids” and “good kids.” It’s about whether their brain has had a chance to develop brakes. I know it’s not a scientific term, but it really is the best descriptor I’ve found. Just because your child is having fits, or throwing something across the room DOES NOT mean they are a “bad kid.” Their brain simply hasn’t had a chance to develop yet.
Everyone will eventually develop these brakes that stop us from impulsively making poor choices- like eating an entire bowl full of cookie dough, or running out into the street without looking to chase a ball. (Interestingly, a new way to conceptualize ADHD is as a developmental delay in impulse control.) Impulse control, or self-restraint, will vary in strength from person to person- like other personality traits. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give it a helping hand!
Teaching Impulse Control
I hear you! It’s REALLY hard to live with a kid who’s throwing things, hitting people, or running out into the street because they’re not thinking it through. The good news is, you can help them develop impulse control with practice. The bad news is, it’s also going to take patience because you literally have to wait for their brain to develop. But you can help their brain start making all the connections and create the right pathways through practice. You’ve helped your kid achieve a million other milestones, and you can help coach them to learn better impulse control, too!
There are actually a lot of similarities to teaching impulse control, and potty training. In potty training, the kid has to recognize the feeling of needing to use the bathroom, understand what it means, and then choose to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. And in both cases, some kids will be a breeze to teach, and will seemingly pick this up by themselves. Others will be a hard-fought battle, whether due to temperament or developmental delays or cognitive differences. The silver-lining here is that the most difficult challenges are the sweetest to overcome!
Parent Or Coach?
As a sidebar before these awesome practice activities- I know coaching and teaching your kid to go further than they thought possible is an amazing part of being a parent. But being the person who loves them unconditionally, and thinks they’re perfect and wonderful and amazing just how they are? That’s something only you can do. You are their parent, and it’s an awesome and singular responsibility. Take some pressure off yourself; you’re not their therapist. So don’t push too hard, follow your child’s lead with these activities, build-up their tolerance gradually, and have fun!
Impulse Control Activities for Kids
1. Red Light, Green Light
It may not be a fancy, or glamorous game, but this has all the components of good activity for developing impulse control. The kid has to listen, has to choose to follow the rules, must have control of their body, and has to temporarily do something they don’t want to (i.e.: stop at the “red light”).
2. Simon Says
Another low-tech, no-prep impulse control activity for children that focuses on listening, body control, and the ability to physically restrain yourself.
3. Balloon Toss
This one takes 15 seconds of prep-work. Give your kid an inflated balloon, and ask them not to throw it up in the air for 30 sec. (or less depending on your kid- this isn’t a punishment.) You want them to have that feeling of “but I waaaaant to” before you let them toss it a few times. Then talk about that feeling, and how they were able to overcome it. Just for a few sentences; this shouldn’t be a lecture! They just exemplified impulse control!!
4. Board Games
Turn taking is an excellent way to practice restraining impulsive behavior! Games like Chutes and Ladders, Sorry, Trouble, or Monopoly, where there are negatives like being sent back to the start (or jail!!), provide a second-layer of ‘fun discomfort’ to challenge your kid! Try these less common board games for impulse control for a great twist on game night
5. Organized Sports
Many communities start offering organized sports around age 3. Don’t worry about whether or not your kid will be good! It’s not about that. Even super young organized sports require basic listening, sharing and self-restraint. And playing on a team can be a fun way to practice these skills, and maybe even make some friends!
Transferring These Skills To Real-Life
You may be feeling anxious for these skills to start showing in real-life, instead of just games. But remember when your sweet little baby started walking? He or she didn’t start just walking down the street by themselves! And you didn’t berate them for holding onto the couch to get to you while you waved a stuffed animal at them so they’d walk to you. You played games, and cheered them on and maybe even caught those first steps on camera! And when they fell, even after they learned to walk, you helped them back up. Your kiddo will get there with impulse control, too. It may not be on your time-frame, but it’ll happen.
To help this transfer to real-life, you can work on recognizing any time that they exhibit self-restraint/impulse control, and commenting on it immediately. (This is not a group that responds well to delayed gratification.) In the meantime, I’d suggest practicing excellent self-care and getting a break when you can.
Everyone should be aware of the warning signs for suicide, especially for younger children. Being aware of these could literally save your child’s life!
A common misconception is that a person (including your kid) has to have a known mental health diagnosis in order to be truly suicidal. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Although according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) 90% percent of 10-24 year olds who complete suicide did have an underlying mental illness, this means that 1 in 10 did NOT. So, your child does not have to have a diagnosed mental illness to be suicidal. Please don’t let that cloud your judgement if you think you’re seeing any of these following warning signs.
WARNING SIGNS:
Having a preoccupation with death (it could be through talking, writing/journaling, or drawing)
Writing good bye notes
Giving possessions away
A sudden change in behavior
Talking about a plan for suicide
At-Risk Factors for Suicide, in Children:
These are parts of your child’s life circumstances which put him/her at greater risk or completing suicide.
Having just had a big fight with a close family member or friend
Diagnosis of ADD, ADHD, Depression and/or Bipolar Disorder
Access to firearms
Family history of suicide
Previous attempts
Being male (Females often make more attempts at suicide than males, but males tend to use more lethal means so there’s less chance for a rescue.)
Privacy and Suicidal Children
I know many parents have strong views about letting their kids maintain their own space. But, this is not the moment to be squeamish about privacy. You may want to consider checking their room for drawings or a journal entry that may shed more light on the inner workings of their mind. I understand this is a sensitive area. But, if you are truly suspicious that your kid is having suicidal thoughts the risk is too high to not do everything in your power to help your kid. Better for them to be alive and mad at you for an invasion of privacy than the alternative.
Next Steps if You Suspect Your Child is Thinking of Suicide
If you have noticed any of these signs, you may want to have a discussion with your child about how they’re feeling. What To Do When Your Young Child Talks About Suicide is a great resource to help you figure out the next steps to take if you’re concerned about your son or daughter.
If your child is actively suicidal, call 911 or take them to the emergency room immediately. The suicide prevention line is 800-273-talk (8255)
Suicide In Young Children Is NOT A Myth
According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for kids 10-14.
“From 1999 through 2015, 1,309 children ages 5 to 12 took their own lives in the United States, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says. That means one child under 13 died of suicide nearly every five days, on average, over those 17 years.” (From this CNN article.)
Additionally, 5 is as young as suicide is coded, because given developmental considerations of very young children, suicide is never coded as a cause of death for children 4 years old or younger.
The American Academy of Pediatrics researched suicide in elementary school-age children and adolescents, and found that only 29% of children who complete suicide disclose these thoughts to their parents/loved ones. So recognizing the potential warning signs is incredibly important.
The Warning Signs Look Different for Kids
They also found that the predominant mental health diagnosis of children (ages 5-11) who completed suicide was Attention Deficit Disorder, and not Depression like in other age groups.
Terrifyingly, this suggests that a kid’s impulsivity is related to potentially suicidal behavior.
The silver-lining, at least, is that safety planning is a very effective tool for prevention. And if you can talk to your kid, you can find out their potential plans, and remove the temptation from their impulsive reach.
Preparation Is Key
If you find yourself in the position where your young child is talking about suicide, there are a few things listed below you can do. If you have never experienced a child expressing suicidal thoughts, I still encourage you to continue reading so you can be prepared (think of it as emergency preparedness planning). The steps are listed semi-sequentially , but I should emphasize that it’s critically important to contact the child’s doctor, especially if they’re on any medication.
Safety planning by removing the temptation for impulsive behaviors can be an effective suicide prevention tool.
What to do if your young child says “I want to kill myself”
1. Listen.
Your first job is to keep them talking to gather as much information as possible. IF there is a plan, you NEED to know it. Don’t be afraid to ask about their plan- you WILL NOT be putting ideas into their head if you just parrot back the question to them. For example, if your child says, “I hope I never wake up” or “I want to die” you could say, “Do you have any ideas about how that would happen?” Or if your child says, “I want to kill myself” you can reply, “Do you have a plan for how you would kill yourself?”
If you just can’t bring yourself to say that you can ask how they may plan to harm/hurt themselves, or just generally if they have a plan. Your child will not be shocked by this question- they may actually be relieved to have a chance to discuss this terrifying thing that’s been going on in their mind.
Your kid is not going to start developing a plan to complete suicide because you asked that question. But you will be able to start a safety plan because you asked.
2. Identify The Plan
You need to find out their plan, because “I pray that I never wake up” is completely different than, “I’m going to drink the mouth wash to poison myself,” which is different still from, “I’m going to use the gun that I know is in the nightstand drawer.”
Each of those circumstances deserves it’s own attention, but you won’t know unless you ask about it.
3. Talk to their doctor
Especially if they’re on any medication. If this is happening after office hours, this is worth leaving a message for your on-call doctor. If they have a mental health professional, call them immediately.
If you feel that a suicide or self-harm attempt is likely/imminent, take your child to the emergency room or call 911.
4. Empathize
Empathize with them that they must feel awful, and let them know you love them unconditionally. Acknowledge that to them, these feelings and problems seem like they will last forever.
5. Safety Plan
Create a brief version of a safety plan to create a safe environment, or use your safety plan if you’ve already developed one with a mental health professional. A brief safety plan can include:
1. Identifying coping strategies. (I.e.: possibly watching a funny movie, looking at pictures of good memories, physical activity, an artistic endeavor, and more.)
2. Remove any means for your child to hurt themselves. Remove/secure the obvious things (firearms, rope, medication, etc.).
3. Help them find the things/people/pets that they live for.
6. Take It Seriously
Please, take these threats seriously. Generally, this is not just as a way to seek attention. And it’s always better to be safe than sorry in these cases.
7. Find A Therapist
Finding a therapist for your child to talk to is going to be critical. Here are some general links that may assist you, but you can also reach out to your insurance company. If it feels overwhelming, see my steps to getting therapy set-up for your kid.
You’ll want to make sure to include your kid’s school in this solution. Your child spends a large amount of their time at school, and they take their responsibility to keep your child safe seriously. You can call the school and ask to speak to the school psychology or counselor. Work with the school on a plan to ensure your child is safe and thoroughly supervised at all times.
You Are Not Alone
This is a challenging and terrifying thing to go through as a parent, but you can get through this.
You know the drill now. Pay attention, listen, find their plan, empathize. Make a safety plan. Work with other professionals, like their doctor, a therapist and their school.
You are not alone. There is help for you and your child. You can both come out of this stronger, and possibly with an even closer relationship.
Additional resources
http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org/
http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911
