When Is My Kid Ready for a Phone?

What’s the right age to get your kid a phone?

How do you know if your kid is ready for a phone?

This has been such an interesting generational shift! This was simply not a conversation our parents had, so it doesn’t come with the same sort of ability to look back and think, Oh, I’ll do it the way my parents did (or didn’t!).

But there’s a lot to consider when deciding if your kid is ready for a phone.

There are inherent risks to kids having a phone- screen addiction, falling prey to the social media comparison trap, online bullying, exploitation, sexting, and more.

But there are also benefits to phones, like communication, building friendships, and learning/growing interests and skills.

So instead of just giving you the answer about exactly when the right time is for a kid to have a phone, here are some questions, and possible workarounds you could use. Because what’s right for one family may not be the answer for another.

Questions to Ask When Considering a Phone for a Child:

Why does your kid need a phone?

To stay in touch with family? Are you a split-custody family, and need to be able to contact your kid when they’re at their mom/dad’s?
Does your kid spend time alone at home? Maybe you work outside the home, and would like to check-in with your child when they get home from school.
To call for a ride home from activities? (Gone are the days of using the collect phone at school and leaving a quick “It’s-Alex-need-a-ride” before your family declines the charges and hangs up on you. Just me? 🙂 )
They walk to school or ride to friend’s houses on their bike and you would like to know where they are

These circumstances may shift the emphasis you put on the next section, when you consider their maturity level. You can also use these questions to identify the features you would need in a phone or other smart device.

What’s my child’s general maturity level?

Instead of randomly choosing an age, let’s look at some maturity markers that tell you a kid might be ready for the responsibility of having a phone:

Can they take care of their own personal hygiene with minimal reminders?
Can they turn off the TV or video games without complaining?
Are you able to trust them to stay home alone?
Do they frequently lose small (or larger) items, like glasses, books, coats, etc?
Do they follow through with other responsibilities, like completing homework or chores?

Reasons your kid might want a phone

Hint, these may not be good reasons to get a kid a phone.

To be like their friends. Peer pressure never goes away
To play games
To be on social media
So they’re not bored all the time

For me, it comes down to a cost-benefit. Is the child (or family) going to experience a net positive from having a phone?

Growing up is a gradual process, and we naturally give our kids more responsibility and privileges over time. So it can be helpful to find a way to introduce them to phones, and then build the privileges up over time, instead of just throwing them in the deep end.

Things you can do instead of giving kids their own phone

You can have a family cell phone (one that all the kids share, and that stays in an agreed-upon place), or even install a landline, depending on the identified need for a phone. Hear me out, but a landline might be a nice option for younger kids in a split-custody arrangement; if you can screen your calls, you should barely have to speak to the other co-parent.

You can also use smartwatches, some of which come with minimal texting and calling abilities. So, if you need to know where your kid is, and want the ability to check-in with them, this could be a better solution than a full phone.

Teaching kids to use phones as tools

If you have come to the conclusion that your kid does, in fact, need a phone, this is a great learning opportunity.

We can teach our kids how to use phones responsibly, instead of them becoming dependent on them. Screen addiction is real, and so are the dangers of social media, online bullying, and being exploited.

We need to let them build up their knowledge and self-control about using phones properly instead of just throwing them in the deep end and hoping they figure it out. Whether that’s by putting limits or parental controls on the phone, or by monitoring with apps like Bark, you need something to help them with the structure. Especially at first.

What does a therapist do in her own house for kid phones?

Affiliate disclaimer- I am an affiliate for Pinwheel, and if you purchase a product from them, I will receive a small commission at no-cost to you. BUT, we have had this phone in our home for about 6 months, and had recommended it to several friends and family members, before I became an affiliate.

I’ve been a huge fan of using Pinwheel with my oldest kid. It’s a smartphone operating system specifically for kids, preteens, and teenagers, and has been a great first phone.

I love that it gives him a phone he can talk to his friends and family on. And, it’s a smartphone (so he doesn’t look like the odd kid out), but it also has no access whatsoever to social media, or to a general search engine. The phone numbers are all safe-listed, so he’s not going to receive spam. Pinwheel’s app store is curated to give kids tools to support their growth, not mindless games or content.

For our family, it made sense that he got a phone around age 11; we had moved about an hour away, and he was missing the ability to talk to his old friends. He had also shown a lot of the maturity markers that I already mentioned.

But I think my favorite thing is that he is 100% not addicted to this phone. He gets on to text a friend or two, listen to a podcast, or learn Welsh (his choice!), but will then put it back down and forget about it. He’s the only 12-year-old I know, who has his own phone, who is not stuck on it constantly.

For more- visit Pinwheel.com to order a phone and Pinwheel monthly subscription at $15/mo

Your Plan for Getting Your Kid a Phone

Hopefully, now you have a plan about if and when you will get your child a phone of their own (or not!). There’s no magic age to get your kid a phone, but there are lots of signs that your kid will give you to show that they’re ready. And that little feeling of trepidation you have about giving your child more independence? That’s normal! It’s wonderful and hard- all at the same time- to watch them grow up!

Best of luck whenever you choose to move forward with this!

Recovering From Caring For A Sick Kid

Caring for a sick kid is hard.

But you know what’s even harder? Re-adjusting to regular life once they’re healthy again.

There are a lot of things that we let slide when kids are sick. There’s more screen time. Popsicles for breakfast are totally ok. And we will drop everything to get whatever our kid wants. I mean, who could resist that sad little kid on the couch?! Not to mention, no school!

But these are absolutely not the behaviors and attitudes that are not going to fly during the rest of the time.

I have found that it’s often much more difficult to get my kids back into the swing of things than to take care of a sick, sleepy kiddo.

So How Do We Readjust from Caring for a Sick Kid?

1. Explain

Make sure to let your kid know the reason that things are a little topsy-turvy right now. And tie it to their illness.

This could sound like, “Sweetie, I want you to rest your body right now so you can get healthy, so I’m going to let you watch some extra TV.” Or, “I know your throat is really sore right now, so it’s ok to have popsicles for breakfast when we’re sick.”

The bonus to this is that if you have other, healthy, kids in the house, it should help them feel less jealous. They still have to eat healthy/go to school/do chores, but they also get to not feel like absolute garbage.

And, it’ll help with the transition because when you re-explain that they’re not sick so they don’t get to eat Jell-o all day you’ll have already built your case!

2. Changes to Routine Matter

If you are raising a kid who really relies on routine, give them lots of heads up about how things will change when they’re sick. And then when they’re back on the mend, do the same for when things go ‘back to normal.’

If your kid is in that middle ground of sickness, I would try to maintain what routine you have, as much as possible.

If it’s not possible, make it a point to let them know where routine is being ignored. Like, for example, that it’s ok to spend all day in pajamas when we’re sick. But also check in with these kids to make sure that’s their actual preference. They may be more comfortable if they can continue to follow their routine, like getting dressed in the morning. But some small tweaks, like wearing cozy clothes instead of school clothes, may still be appreciated!

Social stories about being sick, staying home from school/daycare, and going to the doctor are also wonderful tools. If you have to make a doctor appointment, and have the luxury of a few options, I may choose to have the doctor appointment later in the day to help kids adjust to the idea better.

3. Plant the Seed for ‘Going Back to Normal’

The afternoon before they go back to school, you can start saying things like, “What do you think your friends will say when you come back tomorrow?” or “What are you excited to do at recess?” or something else that lets them know this is inevitable.

DO NOT ask questions that make it sound like they have a choice, i.e. “Are you looking forward to being back in school?”

This gives them a chance to work on accepting change, which let’s be real, can be hard for lots of us!

4. It’s More Fun to be Healthy

You can gently remind them of all the fun things they can do when they’re healthy whenever they start whining about not getting to watch all the TV/eat all the pudding, etc. Then offer a distraction of getting to do one of those fun things!

5. Lay the Groundwork for Next You’re Caring for a Sick Kid

When my kids are sick enough to have to stay home, but not totally miserable, I try to make the first day of staying home as boring as possible. In a genuine effort to make sure the rest of the house doesn’t get sick, I try to keep them in their rooms. (I do go in to hang out with them, read or pIay board games. They’re not in solitary confinement, I’m just trying to reduce exposure.) I will also limit home much extra screen time there is, and the older ones aren’t allowed to play extra video games (because it’s more stimulating than just watching TV, so it doesn’t encourage kids to doze off and nap).

This helps remove my suspicions that a kid is faking because I haven’t set it up that staying home is necessarily a great reward.

Take it up a Notch to Thriving Household!

This could be a golden chance to go from good to great! If there is a routine you’ve wanted to work on, or a new habit you wanted to build in your family, implementing it now would make a lot of sense.

So if you’ve been wanting to streamline your morning routine, go for it! Just tell your kid, “Hey, when we get back to being healthy, we’re going to try moving toothbrushing to right after getting dressed, while you’re already by the bathroom.” (Or fill in whatever makes sense for your family!)

Recovering From Caring For A Sick Kid

You don’t have to finish the long days of caring for sick kidswith frazzled nerves and feeling like everything you’ve worked for has fallen apart. With a little planning, and just keeping the end in mind, you have the opportunity to come out the other side feeling confident and energized!

Raising Resilient Children

**Raising Kids with Resilience and Self-Control**

I like to think of raising resilient children as the opposite of helicopter parenting. If we give kids space, we are showing our kids we have confidence in their ability to problem-solve and cope with tough situations.

By teaching resilience, and allowing our kids to struggle that just-right amount, we will build up their tolerance to dealing with stress, and help them develop stronger self-control and impulse-control.

Raising Resilient Children for Life

Resilience is important in so many aspects of our lives.

Whether it’s learning to ride a bike, try new foods, make new friends, taking a driver’s test, or standing up to peer pressure. Resiliency impacts all areas of life, at all ages. A resilient child is able to let life roll off their back a little easier, even when true adversity hits. They keep going even when things get hard. They are tenacious. And they are deeply admirable kids.

The amazing news is, this isn’t only an innate personality trait. It can be taught and strengthened! To help develop more resilient children, you can:

1. Teach your kid mantras

Give them that positive voice in their head! Teaching positive self-talk at an early age can help their self-esteem and confidence. The point of these mantras for kids isn’t that they’re particularly eloquent. In fact, they need to be short enough to memorize easily. They need to be powerful. And your child needs to believe them (or believe they could eventually be true).

Some kids will prefer first-person (I), and some speak to themselves as if they are addressing another person (you). Both of those are fine, and I’ve included both languages to help you and your kid find something that speaks to them. But these are just a jumping off point- feel free to play around and even create your own!

Some examples of these kinds of mantras are:

I am (their name here) and I can do hard things.
I can keep going a little further.
When I try hard, I can do great things
I will not quit (We changed this to a family mantra at our house, “Coopers don’t quit.)
“The hard is what makes it great.” (Tom Hanks as Jimmy in A League of Their Own.)
I know I can get through this.
I like the challenge of trying new things.
I get better every day

You can even pair these with deep breathing for a calming skill.

2. Praise the trying, not the result

If they truly tried their best, that is worthy of praise. On the flip-side, if the only time your kid hears praise from you is for a job that is (near) perfectly done, they can start to feel like your love may not be unconditional, and that their worth is determined by things out of their control (like bringing home a perfect score on a test, when that may not be their ability level, or being the fastest kid on the team). That is setting up a recipe for low self-esteem, which is definitely not what we’re going for. Especially since resilient children tend to have high self-esteem.

3. Teach problem-solving skills

I talk more about problem solving skills in this article about impulse control. If you know that problems are solveable, you’re much less likely to hide it and wallow with it, possibly even blaming yourself for the problem. You’re more likely to start chipping away at the problem, because you know that you’ll be able to solve it, or at least bring about some change. Basically, knowing you can solve problems gives a massive boost to a person’s self-efficacy.

4. Let Them Make Mistakes

Back-up and let your kids make mistakes.

Give them the chance to find themselves in a (mildly) stressful situation. Whenever I think about the problem of balancing the need and desire to protect our kids, and the need to let them grow and learn from life experience, it reminds me of Finding Nemo. Specifically, the part when Marlin (the dad) says to Nemo, “I’ll never let anything happen to you.” But if nothing ever happens to him, he’ll never grow.

In over-protecting our kids, we rob them of the chance to figure things out for themselves. Failure can be an excellent teacher. We don’t call kids resilient if they’re doing well, but nothing bad has happened. By definition, resilient children are the ones who bloom in the face of adversity.

5. Teach them to “fight the flight”

In the course of a big project or task, most people have the feeling of “isn’t this over yet?!” The desire, or impulse, to fly away from the situation is what I’m labeling the ‘flight’ here. And since your kids are human, they, too, will have the impulsive feeling of needing to give up, or just be done. They need to learn to ‘fight the flight. Resilient children are able to do this with coping skills like:

Taking a breath and working on it for 1 more minute. (Repeat as needed to finish)
Taking a timed break and coming back to it. Bonus points for using physical activity as the break while working on something cognitive.

6. Be a good role-model

You may already be a master of your impulses, but if it’s only in your mind, it’s time to start voicing some of your inner-process so kids can learn how we think internally. Talk through your mental process, especially as it relates to your resiliency and tenacity. Let them know when you’re successful in your fight against the impulse to take the easy way out, and what helped you to win that fight.

7. Love them Unconditionally

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child says, “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” So, the most important thing you can do is be there for them, no matter what.

Resilience in Your Family

Have you seen resilience in your child(ren)? Do you use any family mantras that I didn’t write above? I’d love to hear what your kids are using as their positive self-talk! Please, let me know in the comments below.

Pin It!

How to Gain Your Kid’s Respect in 6 Easy Steps

Respect is Critical

Getting our kid’s respect can feel like the Holy Grail. “If they just respected me, they’d listen to me!” Or they might be more willing to take your advice, or just generally more cooperative, or respectful.

You intuitively understand how important their respect is. If we don’t respect someone, it is very unlikely that we’ll give them our best effort. I mean, when was the last time you went above and beyond for a boss you didn’t respect? My guess is that if you did turn in your best work, it’s because you respect yourself, the client, or your co-workers. Kids are just like us. Everything is going to work better if they know they can respect us.

So the trick to getting your kid to respect you is to ask yourself, “How would I measure whether or not to give someone else respect?” It’s the same for them.

6 Steps to Get Your Kid’s Respect

1. Listen to them.

They want to be heard. They want to be known, especially by you, the most important person in their life. When you listen, don’t interrupt or jump ahead and assume you know what they will say. Really listen. Ask questions. Make eye contact.

2. Actions are worth 1000 words.

Kids are great BS detectors. If you are a person of integrity and walk the walk, especially when things are most difficult, that will mean much more than any lecture.

3. Follow-through.

Actually do what you say you’ll do; from the small stuff to the big. It’s pretty difficult to respect someone if you can’t trust them.

4. Fight fair.

When you need to offer correction or discipline, don’t put them down when you do it. No name-calling or screaming is necessary. Speak respectfully to them, clearly let them know the issue, any potential consequences, and what you expect next time. “I know you can do better” is way different than “you suck.”

5. Avoid talking behind backs.

If you’re throwing your neighbor’s kids under the bus in front of your family, I can almost guarantee your kids are wondering if you talk about them the same way. If you want to get your kid’s respect, a little restraint can go a long way.

6. Let your work be seen.

There’s no question that you’re pulling your weight for the family, but often the unseen is unknown. Basically, your kid may not know that you’ve been working hard all day while they’re at school, or that there’s no magic laundry fairy who transformed that pile of dirty laundry. This step requires walking a tightrope of saying just enough, without sounding like you have a martyr -complex. But it’s important because part of respecting someone is knowing that they’re contributing to the team, too.

Respect Can Strengthen Relationships

I know I use way too many analogies, but respect is a lot like the soil in a garden. Without healthy soil, flowers won’t grow; and without healthy amounts of your kid’s respect, your relationship with them may wither over time.

Have you ever noticed a change in your kid’s behavior related to respect? Leave a comment, or email me at alex@choosingyourbattles.com- I’d love to hear!

Does My Kid Have ADHD? (What Else Could It Be?)

Does my child have ADHD or not?

It’s no secret that kids are being diagnosed with ADHD in the US more and more frequently. Depending on which study you read, somewhere between 5-11% of children across the US are diagnosed with ADHD. And there’s been an increase of over 3% in just 8 years!

BUT- it’s entirely possible that many kids who are told they have ADHD are actually being misdiagnosed.

This is because the symptoms of ADHD are well known (hyperactivity, impulsiveness, lack of focus, disorganization), so it may be one of the first diagnoses doctors have in mind. And doctors and clinicians can observe these behaviors in a relatively short amount of time, which makes it easy to use for a diagnosis.

But there are many other reasons kids may be exhibiting these behaviors most often seen with ADHD.

Does My Child Have ADHD? Maybe Not…

ADHD is not always the answer. If you’ve been told your child has ADHD, but it doesn’t seem like the best explanation for your child’s behavior, there are other explanations.

Reasons to Question Whether or Not Your Child Has ADHD:

–There is no family history of ADHD. The hereditability rate of ADHD is around 76%. This means that if there’s someone in your (biological) family with ADHD, it’s very likely that another person will have ADHD, too. However, this also works in reverse. It’s unlikely, although possible, that one person in the gene pool will just pop up with ADHD.

–You don’t see any symptoms at home. If you’re only seeing symptoms like hyperactivity or impulsivity at school, and not at home, ADHD may not be an accurate diagnosis. For a true ADHD diagnosis, symptoms need to occur across different settings. (There’s a difference between seeing a symptom and it being a problem. It’s possible that you’re able to manage the high-energy level better at home than it can be at school. So the symptoms are still occurring across settings, but they may not be as problematic in different places.)

-If your child is receiving medication, but you don’t feel like it’s working well/correctly. It could be a sign that the brain chemistry is showing that the ADHD diagnosis is wrong. (It could also just be the wrong medication for your child; make sure to speak with your prescriber before stopping any medication as some medications can have adverse effects is suddenly stopped.)

What Else Could It Be? Other Explanations for ADHD-Like Behaviors

1. Anxiety

Anxiety makes it hard to focus, pay attention, and follow directions. Additional input is hard to process if your mind is already whirling with worries.

You may want to look into this if your child doesn’t have the typical hyperactive behaviors, but was diagnosed because of the attention-deficit part of ADHD.

2. Sensory Processing Disorder (Specifically Sensory-Seeking)

It can be tricky to tell the difference between ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. When a kid has a Sensory Processing Disorder, particularly if they’re a sensory-seeking child, they are lacking enough input on their body to tell it that they’re grounded in place. This can make them (literally) look like they’re bouncing off the wall, and they can look pretty hyperactive.

You may want to rule this diagnosis out if you have a child who can focus, but is high-energy. At this moment in time, I would recommend seeking an opinion from an OT (Occupational Therapist) since they tend to be more familiar with sensory issues than many mental health clinicians.

3. Giftedness

When kids understand the concept in 5 minutes, but the teacher spends an hour teaching, you have a recipe for boredom and lack of focus. Which can make these kids look like they have ADHD. Additionally, gifted children tend to have high (although not quite hyper) levels of energy.

These kids absolutely get misdiagnosed with ADHD. And instead of being given the education they need, they get medicated.

Black and Hispanic children are severely underrepresented in gifted programs in schools. And yet Black children are diagnosed with ADHD more often than white children, which should be a red flag.

I believe this study from the American Educational Research Association hits the nail on the head with the explanation, “What a teacher may attribute to precocity for one student may be considered disruptive behavior for another.” Of course, there are also many other variables, like access to quality education, socio-economic status, and adverse childhood events (more on that later) but don’t think the perceptions of those in charge should be discounted. For more, here’s a great article about nurturing gifted children of color.

4. Poor Diet/Lack of Exercise or Free Time Outside

Let me start by saying, in no way do I mean to sound blaming with this one. But kids have small bodies, and they can have bigger responses to smaller doses of sugar, etc. Before you put a kid on medication, it might be worth looking at how much excess sugar, pop and caffeine they’re consuming.

Free time, especially non-structured time outside, is also critical. Kids need a chance to move their bodies. If you’re noticing an increase in hyperactive behavior during the months you stay the most indoors, this is an explanation worth exploring.

5. Learning Disorders

Non-verbal learning disorders (like dyslexia/dysgraphia/dyscalculia/slow-processing disorder) can create challenges when asked to focus at school. If you’re struggling to read the words or numbers in front of you, or you just can’t make the words come out of your pencil, chances are you’re going to lose focus and not want to pay much attention.

This could be the case if you didn’t see any signs of ADHD at home, and school was the first place it was noticed. If you think your child might have a learning disability, here are some additional steps you can take.

5. Auditory Processing Disorder

Kids with Auditory Processing Disorder have a difficult time taking in verbal instructions. They may also have a delay in responding to questions, which can make it seem like they’re not paying attention. This leads to the appearance of being inattentive, or even actual inattentiveness because it’s a challenge to pay attention.

You may want to talk to the school psychologist about this if ADHD is being suggested as a diagnosis, but you’re not seeing much impulsivity (because all kids are a little impulsive) or hyperactivity.

6. PTSD/Stress Disorders

As much as we’d all like to think of childhood as this really idyllic, safe, wonderful time, it’s an unfortunate truth that many kids experience stressful- and even violent- events during their childhood.

If you’re constantly stressed and in fight-or-flight (or freeze) mode, it’s hard to focus. You may also have additional energy to burn off from all the adrenaline. You may have also developed coping skills that would distract others before conflict could arise (which may appear as some ‘class clown’ type of behavior).

Additionally, kids who live in poverty have higher incidents of adverse childhood events– most of which could be considered trigger events for PTSD. This mimics the impact of poverty on the rate of ADHD diagnosis.

My Child Has An ADHD Diagnosis. Why Should I Mess With It?

First, let me assume you’ve read this far because you’re truly wondering if your child has ADHD. We both know that pursuing a new/additional diagnosis can be time-consuming, expensive, exhausting and even heart-breaking.

But you know your child better than anyone. Trust yourself, and follow your parenting instincts. The worst case scenario is that you don’t find any other explanation, but you get to know that you are a great advocate for your child and you tried your best. At best, you find a more correct diagnosis for your kid.

The right diagnosis can open the door to the right treatment. Seeking the most complete information about your child is a form of advocacy. And it shows your kid that you won’t stop fighting for them.

It’s important to note that ADHD can occur in addition to many of the previously discussed disorders/explanations. It is possible that you could come away from investigating this more closely with two diagnoses; the ADHD + something else. But if you have the flu and a broken leg, you’re going to want treatment for both. Not just one, and hope the other resolves on it’s own.

Does My Child Have ADHD? Getting Second Opinions

You know your child better than anyone. After educating yourself about the symptoms and what it may look like in your kid, if you still don’t think ADHD is the answer, you may want to consider a second opinion.

If you have a therapist, doctor or counselor who balks at the idea that it’s anything but ADHD, try getting another assessment from someone else. At the very minimum, they should be willing to explore and rule other diagnoses out. A good clinician will always be open to exploring and improving their diagnosis to find the answer to whether or not your child has ADHD.

So if your child has an ADHD diagnosis that isn’t sitting right with you, do some self-reflection and figure out why.

55 Activities To Do at Home with Kids (With Almost No Screens!)

Suddenly stuck at home with kids?

Hear me out- I’ve always felt the role of “cruise director” is the most analogous to the lives of moms.

We orchestrate everything- from figuring out what everyone is eating, to the schedule of activities for the day, to monitoring the sickbay.

And now we’re going to have to step up our game even more as we look at the possibility of having our kids at home for an extended period of time, whether under quarantine, or because schools have closed.

It’s left a lot of parents wondering what on earth they’re going to do, and how they’re going to pass the time without losing their minds.

Step 1: Change Your Mindset

The first step is to change our mindsets.

Scenario 1- “I’m looking down the barrel at 3 weeks with my kids at home, and nowhere to go. I can practically hear them whining, “I’m bored,” right now. This is going to be a nightmare.”

Scenario 2- “I’m going to be home with my kids for 3 weeks, and I’m looking forward to getting to spend more relaxed quality time with them than we usually get. This is going to be a great opportunity to reconnect.”

It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to know which mom is going to have a more pleasant experience.

There’s nothing inherently different between the two moms in my example. (They could even be the same woman on different days of the week!)

The difference is all in how we approach the situations given to us.

Step 2: Planning out Your Activities for Kids at Home

A good cruise ship also needs a solid, yet flexible schedule. For everyone’s sanity, you’re going to want a schedule, too.

I can go into depth about how schedules are incredibly helpful for kids, but the best way to sum it up is: When things aren’t normal, do normal things.

Click here or on the image to download a FREE copy!

So, you’ve got a shiny new perspective on things, and a blank schedule ready to fill out! But you’re still left with the question, “What am I going to do with these kids all day?!”

Here are 55 free activities to do with kids at home!

Free Activities to do with Kids at Home

Play board games
Create your own board game
Create paper bag puppets and put on a show
Have the kids write and star in their own play
Let them use a camera (with supervision) to create their own movie
- If they’re old enough, you can even show them some free editing software they could tinker with online! (Again, recommended with supervision.)
Go on an alphabet scavenger hunt where they have to find something in the house that begins with each letter of the alphabet- pictures in books can count if they get stuck!
Create an obstacle course with pillow cushions, blankets and chairs
Collect twigs and leaves and whatever else they can find in the yard to build a fairy house or fort; let their imagination carry them away!
Play “the floor is made out of lava”
Sneak some math into your day by having the kids measure everything. Ev-er-y-thing. It’s weird, but they’ll love it.
Bake some cookies (and sneak more math in! Fractions, this time!)
Have read-aloud time; maybe start a big new series with the kids
Plant a garden, or at least start some seedlings in a cup.
Draw cards for nursing home residents who may be feeling lonely, because they aren’t allowed to have visitors right now.
Find a penpal and write to them.
Have a dance party
Play hopscotch outside
Listen to music as a family, and try some genres that you may not typically turn on! And who knows? You may find that you have an opera fan on your hands!
Have a sleepover or campout in your living room.
Let them stay up late to look at the stars. See if they can spot any constellations!
Read a book to a cousin or friend via Marco Polo or Facetime (or another favorite app)
Go on a virtual visit of a museum
Write a bunch of letters, shapes or numbers in chalk on the driveway or a fence, and have your kid use a water bottle to erase all the letter A’s, or all the squares.
Write letters to grandparents and great-grandparents (and ask for a reply!)
Listen to audiobooks as a family and color your own illustrations!
Take an inventory of all the living or moving things in your backyard, from bugs to clouds.
Teach them old-fashioned skills, like knitting, baking a loaf of bread, or making your own cleaning products
Try making your own caramel. It can be fascinating to watch how sugar goes through different stages.
Practice sports that have been canceled with your kids! Get out there and shoot a basketball, throw a baseball or kick around the soccer ball with them!
Learn to identify wildlife in your neighborhood or backyard. Use field guides to identify different plants and birds. They can even try and listen for the specific call of each animal!
Pack bagged lunches for soup kitchens to hand out, especially if the ones near you are not allowing people to congregate for meals.
Built an indoor fort
Take an indoor toy outside
Create a time capsule
If you’re missing events like Stations of the Cross or Fish Fry’s, create your own! Try letting the kids lead, they’ll have a ton of fun with it. (They can even create a sign for the family fish fry!)
Do ‘field day’ type races in the back yard
Play some card games, or learn new ones
Go through the house and find items to donate, sell or throw out
Make your own bread and butter
Play with legos
See if you can color in all the pages on old coloring books
Create the most massive tower you can with all the building supplies you have (legos + build blocks + k’nex = FUN!)
Cover the bottom of a muffin tin or cake pan with baking soda, and then do a ‘science experiment’ with medicine droppers full of vinegar and see what happens!
See how strong of a bridge they can build with pipe-cleaners
Puzzles
Yoga for kids
If there’s warm enough weather, wash the car!
Create a mason-jar terrarium
Learn origami
Have a family movie night, with actual home-movies of your family!
There are a bunch of educational sites offering free memberships or discounts at this time, too. (I have to give full credit to Amazing Educational Resources for this!)
Learn how to make shadow puppets.
“Paint” the garage door/side of the house/fence/whatever with water and a big paintbrush.
Create instruments
Use those instruments and have a parade around the house or backyard!

Enjoy The Time With Your Kids At Home!

If (when) things get hard, try to think about how you want to be able to look back on this time with your kids. Remember, this will pass.

If you have any other ideas for activities to do with your kids at home, please share them in the comments!

Stay calm. Stay healthy. Have fun 😁

(Thanks to the friends and family who shared ideas for this post!)

Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. If you purchase anything through these links, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thanks!

How I Use InstaCart To Choose My Battles

**This post contains affiliate links and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.

Happy 2020!

I love the New Year! It’s a beautiful time to start fresh, with enthusiasm, to make those changes we’ve been wanting to happen in our lives.

For me, remaining patient and present with my kids is an annual resolution (because there’s always room for improvement!). And one of the ways I try to accomplish this is by choosing my battles.

I try to let go of perfection, of housework, and of filling my schedule (and theirs!) to the brim- because I know nothing gets my anxiety going like a day filled with running from errand to errand.

InstaCart has been a huge help for me with this.

In fact, it might be my favorite “mom hack” of all time.

The Right Tools to Accomplish Your Resolutions

I know, those are some pretty grand claims, but InstaCart has helped me get closer to my resolutions to remain present and patient by:

Being able to keep a running grocery list on the app. Out of vanilla? Just put it in the ‘cart’ and you don’t have to dedicate any more brain-space to it!
Being able to grocery shop when the kids are asleep. I make the list and place my order after everyone’s in bed! This gives me so much time back with my kids.
AVOIDING THE ENTIRE GROCERY STORE EXPERIENCE WITH TODDLERS (sorry for screaming- this can NOT be understated!)
- No more getting sick because they’re licking the cart
- They’re not begging for M&Ms
- I don’t have to shush them in the store when they’re screaming about not getting M&Ms.
- No more packing the diaper bag, bundling kids up, having them sweat and overheat in the store because we’ve been there so long, stopping the trip for an emergency potty break (even though everyone was told to go before we left), and hearing “are we done yet?” like we’re on a 10 hr drive, all while trying to follow a list and keep a rough tally of how much I’m spending in my head.
- No more begging for Mac N Cheese because Olaf is on it
- No more singing nursery rhymes in ~~public~~ the grocery store to keep my kids happy.

I’m very much in the camp that parenting is about our response to our kids, not their behavior. But geez, if I can avoid that potential quagmire of whiny behavior, and the deep breaths I’ll have to take to stay calm, why wouldn’t I?!

InstaCart to the Rescue

So instead of taking my kids out for a 2-hour excursion grocery shopping, I have the lovely people at InstaCart do that for us. My kids and I get to play, eat lunch, or even nap while our grocery shopping is being done.

And once the food has been delivered, there’s the added bonus that they haven’t been so burned out by shopping that they’ll actually help me unpack! (Or maybe it’s because I let them make forts out of the cereal boxes and canned food.)

InstaCart is an important parenting tool for me to remain patient and present with my kids.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s true.

Choosing your battles isn’t just the name of the site- it’s truly a manifesto of my parenting style. And InstaCart has helped me choose one less battle each week!

PS- I forgot to mention that InstaCart is a life-saver when you have sick kids! They’ll deliver all the Tylenol, soup and tea that you need! And you can try it risk-free with free delivery on your first order!

Free Delivery on Your First Order with Instacart!

What To Do If You Think Your Child Has A Learning Disability

School just started back up, and you’re realizing this year that homework is now a nightmare for your kid. There are nightly tears about homework, and you’re starting to just feel drained from it all.

Or maybe your kid wouldn’t mind doing math sheets all night, if that just meant they didn’t have to do their nightly reading.

It’s obvious that for whatever reason, your kid needs help learning. You think it might be a learning disability, or would at least like to rule that out. You may even have narrowed it down, and are able to voice a specific concern like, “I think my kid might be dyslexic.”

Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out how to help your struggling student.

So how do you get help if your child has a learning disability?

Where do you go from here? You’ve read all about the signs and symptoms of learning disorders like dyscalculia, and dysgraphia.

But how do you get from reading all this information, to actually putting school interventions in place?

Here are a few steps you can take to go from having this be a suspicion of yours, to getting your child some real help in school.

1. Gather Your Evidence/Concerns

The first step to figuring out if your child has a learning disability is to put it in writing. Are you concerned about a learning problem, or a behavior problem? Both? Is one of the primary?

(It’s very common for one to mask the other. For example, if I child has dyslexia and is struggling to read, they may act out in class- either out of frustration, shame, or as a distraction.)

[bctt tweet=”It’s common for behavior problems in school to mask learning disabilities.” prompt=”tell a friend”]

What exactly are you seeing that concerns you? Be specific. For example, don’t be vague like, “Eva spent way too long on her homework every single night this week.”

Keeping notes like, “Eva cried for 20 minutes before starting her homework, saying things like, “I’m too dumb for this,” and then it took her 45 minutes to finish 10 math problems. She got 2 correct.”

2. Talk To The Teacher

Let me be clear- you are speaking with the teacher to gather his or her observations- NOT to get their blessing about whether or not you’ll continue pursuing this. It’s especially important to remember this if you have a teacher who’s dismissive of the idea that your child needs additional support.

But generally, the teachers are a wealth of information. They’ll tell you what reading or math group your kid is in, and how much extra help they’ve been needing.

They might even surprise you and say, “Oh yeah, I was planning to bring that up at our next parent-teacher conference.”

You’ll also want to ask if they’re using any interventions already.

3. Schedule an evaluation with the school psych.

Using the information you’ve gathered, you need to call the school and schedule an eval. It’s a critical step in getting an answer to the question of, “Does my kid have a learning disability?”

Just say something like, “I believe that my kid is having a problem with math, and would like her to be evaluated for a learning problem” and they’ll be able to take if from there.

YOU don’t have to have to pre-diagnose your child, you just need to clearly state the concern.

4. Wait for the eval/results.

This may be the hardest part. Try to just breathe, and remember that your kid is still the same person that you love and think is amazing, whether or not they have a diagnosis of dyscalculia or not.

Once the results come back, decide if they make sense to you. Did they test the area you were concerned about? Did they treat your family with fairness and respect?

In short, do you think the school psychologist got a clear and unbiased look at your child’s abilities?

From here, you have two choices: One, accept the result and work towards a plan. Two, seek a second opinion.

Also, even if the school said your kid doesn’t have a learning disability, that doesn’t mean you can’t create a plan to help your kid! You can develop one on your own; there are plenty of ways to address learning problems at home.

5. (Optional) Seek a second opinion.

If you don’t think the evaluation accurately represented your kid’s abilities, you can seek a second opinion.

Be warned, in the US, this is likely to get expensive because now you’re going to be looking for a private psychologist or group to do the testing. Which means you’re more than likely going to have to pay out of pocket.

It’s obviously up to you, but keep in mind that this should only be a one-time cost that you have to deal with, if that helps make this an easier pill to swallow..

6. Create a plan.

If your child received a diagnosis of learning disability, ask the professional for a plan to address this before you walk out of the room/get off the phone. At the very least, schedule a meeting to follow-up on this.

Additional tutoring, a 504 plan, an IEP, or behavioral counseling are all options for your kid that you may want to explore.

If this is your first venture into the world of IEP, my friend Laurie has written a wonderful explanation of The IEP Process for Parents. Even if you’ve dealt with IEPs or 504s before, it’s worth a refresher!

Keeping the Team Accountable

I always like to keep a ‘paper’ trail, so even if you talk on the phone or in person, you can send a quick email as a follow-up. “Just to summarize, we talked about Johnny’s school performance, and potential learning disabilities, and your thoughts were… and my thoughts were…” That type of thing.

If you’re like me, and your brain is colander on the best of days, this is also a nice way to make sure you have everything in one place when it’s time to re-evaluate.

Make sure to re-evaluate the diagnosis and results from time to time. Every quarter, report card, or just at the end of the school year are all times that make sense to do this. IEP meetings are only required to be held annually, but as the parent it’s your right to request more, if needed.

So, what do you do if you think your child has a learning disability?

It’s straight-forward- don’t ignore your gut feeling! You know your child better than anyone else. You’ve got the tools you need, now it’s time to be strong and advocate for them!

Let me know if you’re running into any roadblocks- I’m always happy to brainstorm solutions with people!

How To Motivate A Child or Teen

How to Motivate a Child or Teen

Ahhhhhhhhh. Internally motivated kids. That’s the dream, right?

Because, wouldn’t it be great if your kid wanted to do their chores and clean their room? Or if they would do their homework without you ever reminding them? What if you never had to nag them to practice piano or free-throws ever again?!

But it doesn’t have to remain a fantasy. You can help your child develop their internal motivation. Which will not only help you, but is an incredibly important part of excelling in adulthood! (So maybe they’ll actually move out one day!)

But First, What is Internal Motivation?

(Ok, bear with me while I geek out for a minute 😋)

Intrinsic motivation theory (the psychological study for all things related to internal motivation) suggests that people engage in some activities purely for the internal reward. There are things that we do, simply because they’re enjoyable to us. They fulfill our sense of competence, independence and/or connectedness.

In contrast, external (or extrinsic) motivation would be doing something for a reward outside of ourselves; like praise, money, or fame.

A kid who is internally motivated does something for the internal reward it brings; a sense of accomplishment, or the sense that volunteering brings them closer to their community, or even the peace that comes from ‘doing their part.’

Steps for How to Motivate A Child

1. Figure out what motivates them.

Sure, you want them to do well in school, but clearly that’s not resonating with them. Look deeper into what’s driving them right now; what psychological need are they trying to fulfill? Are they a kid who loves to learn and will dive deep about topics that are interesting, even if it has nothing to do with school? (Competence) Or are they always trying to find a way to be different from the norm? (Independence) Use that knowledge to reframe why they would want to do well in school.

2. Help your kid develop their identity.

You can help motivate a child by assisting them in defining their identity. Use their behaviors that point towards what drives them (the ones you identified in step 1), to help them identify that as part of their identity. “I am a person who loves to learn” or “I am a person who values individualism.” Essentially, here you are helping them define some of their values. And a value-driven personal is functioning on internal motivation.

3. Find Their “Why”

We need to figure out why this would be a meaningful task for them to accomplish for themselves, rather than for someone else. Depending on the developmental age of your kid*, this would be an awesome conversation to have. (Usually, the most direct way to these answers is to just ask!)These examples of internal motivation would be a great place to dig in. For example, if your trying to motivate your child in sports, you can help them kid see the difference between practicing their free-throw because they simply enjoy basketball, (or the act of mastering a new skill) or because Coach said they had to practice.

Quick Note

If you have a kid who hasn’t hit the age of reason or meta-cognition yet (approximately 8ish, but it’ll vary pretty widely) then I would just sprinkle in little sentences throughout the day like, “You seem really proud of the Lego creation you built- I love that you enjoy the process of creating so much!” It may seem small, but after years of hearing how they’ve enjoyed being creative, it’s going to imprint on their brain, and one day that’ll come right back to them, “Oh yeah, I’m someone who loves to create!” That’s when you can help them explore if they like creating new recipes, stories, or even larger projects that are masquerading as homework.

Once your kid hits tween years, I stop trying to be ‘sneaky’ with this sort of conversation, and just talk to them like their adults. They may not understand or process it all completely on an adult level, but it’s a great way to model conversation, and they’ll appreciate the respect.

4. How do you motivate an unmotivated child? Find the hook.

Use those psychological needs that they’re trying to meet, and use those to your advantage. Maybe they’re really working towards connectedness at this moment; some kids balk at homework and studying due to the isolation they feel while they’re doing it. In that case, maybe hosting a study group at your house with kids in their class would help your child do more of their homework during that time?

5. Use personality quizzes!

There’s no denying that personality quizzes are fun to take! Gretchen Rubin, of The Happiness Project, developed a whole personality quiz, called the 4 Tendancies , with the specific tagline, “One of the daily challenges of life is: “How do I get people- including myself- to do what I want?” It’s a great resource for learning how to motivate unmotivated kids, utilizing their personality (especially for older kids/teens who have developed a more stable personality).

Essentially, you’re helping them understand and harness the power of their unique disposition towards why they will do something. According to Gretchen, there are 4 categories of people, Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel.

So, for example, if my teenager took this quiz, and it told him that he’s a Questioner, we would understand that his drive to know why is very deep, and he will only tend to do things once he understands the purpose and it makes sense to him. That definitely gives us something to work with when we’re trying to internally motivate a child!

6. Tie small facts into the process.

Fun fact- learning small, new, novel facts hits your brain the same way that scrolling Facebook for new information does. It gives us a tiny hit of dopamine, and lights up the reward centers in our brains.

So, learning tiny, interesting facts is a very rewarding process, (although understanding it as a reward is fairly subconscious). Essentially, it will complete the loop in the brain that says, “I just did something, where’s my reward” without offering an external reward.

To use this tip, just keep it simple and tell your kid that after they complete whatever task you’re trying to get them to do, you will tell them a fun fact! (Or a weird fact, or a gross fact. You know your kid best. Use this to your advantage.)

While technically this fact could be about anything, bonus points for making the topic relevant to what they’re working on. (Ie: you want your kid to make their bed every day? Arm yourself with weird bed facts, like that the spring mattress was invented in Germany in 1871)

Avoid This Trap If You Want to Raise A Self-Motivated Child

If you want to self-motivate your child, The one thing NOT to do: DO NOT GIVE AN EXTERNAL REWARD! It’s a trap. You think you can reward a task, create a positive association, and then remove the reward. It makes sense. It follows everything we’ve been taught in Psych 101 and that we know about Pavlov and his famous drooling dogs. But I repeat, it’s a trap! (And yes, as a mom of 3 boys, I really want to put a Star Wars joke here. But I digress…)

What really happens when we reward the completed task is that our children are now working towards an external reward. Things like praise, ice cream, or even gold stars are all external rewards. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what we were going for. It seems like a great short-cut, even like common sense, but the result will be an externally motivated child, not an internally motivated one.

Now You Know How to Motivate A Child

These steps will work for whatever reason you have for needing to motivate a child. Whether they need motivated to work on school and learn, or to practice music or sports, these steps are universal. They’ll even help a kid who may seem unmotivated, stubborn, or even lazy.

The trick is as simple and challenging as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.

[bctt tweet=”The trick to motivating our kids is as simple- and challenging- as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.”]

Becoming an adult means doing the hard and unfulfilling tasks, even if you don’t want to. So helping your kid find (and use) internal motivation is a key part to helping them become a successful, independent adult.

What are you trying to motivate your child to do? Share in the comments below!

Mom Hacks to Save Time and Make Life Easier

Time is short, and one of our most precious resources as parents. The days somehow fly by, and simultaneously drag on forever. What I wouldn’t give for just a few bonus hours to myself per week!

Which is why we’re lured into the world of ‘parenting hacks.’ We all need any little trick we can to help us find what little time, energy and/or money we have left! But despite that, parenting hacks get a bad rap! Maybe it’s because we all recognize that there’s no short-cut to being a good parent. Which is why I can’t get behind things like, “1 magical thing to say to your kid so they never misbehave again.” We all know there is no such thing as 1 size fits all when it comes to disciplining your kids.

But when I have more mental energy, time, or money to spend on my kids- guiding them through life becomes so much easier! Being a mom (or dad!) is hard. Especially when you’re raising neurodiverse kids. So, I use any little trick I can to save me time, brain-power, or money, to make being a mom a little easier so I can focus on my kids more.

Today, I want to share my 5 favorite parenting ‘hacks’ with you. These are small things in my life, that you could implement today, that either save me time, money, mental energy, or some combination of all three.

Mom Hack #1: Using the Alarm Function on My Phone

Saves: Mental Energy

Use the alarm function on your cell phone. I use it mostly for medication reminders. Daily for vitamins and probiotics, but also for antibiotics when they get sick. I’ve used it for doctor appointments I thought I’d forget, and even picking up my kids, too!

Mom Hack #2: Cladwell

Saves: Time (and maybe money)

I believe very strongly in the “look good; feel good” philosophy. As moms, we deserve to treat ourselves better than to just throw on an old stained shirt and some sweats. You also never know if you’ll be running to the ER that day, so you might as well get dressed! My kids are always 6 inches or 6 seconds away from a disaster, and I learned the true importance of getting dressed everyday when I had to rush my oldest son to the hospital in a pajama shirt when he was 6 weeks old!

Cladwell makes it super easy for me to look pulled together, using what I already own (there’s the saving money part!) because they put the outfits together for me. I just input the clothes that are in my closet while watching Netflix- I think it only took 1 or 2 nights. And then they help you identify your own style! Using Cladwell has helped me save a ton of time, too! No more staring at the closet thinking, “I have nothing to wear,” then followed by time-wasting window shopping online. And bonus- I usually plan my clothes for the whole week, so I always know that what I want to wear will be clean! (You know, until my kids put their jam-hands all over me!)

I’m not someone who really dresses ‘up’, but something about a good jeans/tee/jacket combo can make me feel like I can conquer the world. And let’s face it, some days, you need every boost to your attitude you can get!

Mom Hack #3: Getting up an hour before the little ones

Saves: Time and Mental Energy

I am not a morning person. Anyone who has ever lived with me knows that. I need a solid half-hour after I wake-up to become a human other people want to be around. So, if I wake up at the same time as my kids, I am immediately playing defense. (I’m pretty sure it was Rachel Hollis who introduced that idea to me, but man does it resonate!)

When I wake up at the same time as them, or worse, when they wake me up, I immediately feel like I’m behind. When you’re raising a neurodiverse kid, it can feel like very few things are in your control. So having one hour of my day when I get to drink hot coffee, and fuel my mind and body with positivity (scripture, light exercise, writing, setting my intention for the day, etc.) puts me WAY ahead of the proverbial 8 ball for the day.

Mom Hack #4: Instacart

Saves: Time, Money and Mental Energy

This. Is. A. Game. Changer. Not to brag, but I have not taken my kids on a giant grocery run in over a year. And I cannot understate how big of a deal that is. You know how tight time is, and how grocery shopping never seems to fit into that schedule! And then how kids always manage to get sick on the day you were planning to grocery shop, or how they start having a meltdown in the store because the right brand of crackers isn’t in stock this week. I’ve completely avoided that for 6 months!

I’ve even started scheduling groceries to come during nap time so that I can get food put away before the vultures dive in! I literally recommend Instacart to every mom, but if you have kids who have challenging behaviors, or are sick frequently, or who need to stay inside during RSV season, or extra things that make getting to the grocery store an extra hardship, you NEED to try Instacart. If you don’t live in an area with Instacart, I highly recommend trying grocery pick-up through your nearest store, or you can even try Amazon Fresh which will also do grocery delivery.

Full disclosure- I work with a very tight grocery budget. Like, $4/day per person. For all meals and snacks. And I know some people hesitate with Instacart because it feels expensive. Personally, I’ve been able to keep the budget better under control with Instacart. When you see your list before you order, you can play around with things and really consider what you need and find swaps, etc. to get your grocery bill to the right amount for you. That way my budget is in check, every time.

Mom Hack #5: Buckle Protector

Saves: Time and Mental Energy

This is one tool I keep in my car in case of an emergency. Some kids like to pull the whole, “I’m going to unbuckle myself while you’re driving” as a power move. Which is dangerous and infuriating.

The first time my kid tried this move, I was caught off-guard, and super-unsuccessfully tried using a blanket to wrap him to his chair. Like I said- it didn’t work. We slowly and carefully drove the 1 mile home with an unbuckled and very out of control child in the backseat. It was nerve-wracking.

The buckle protector is a small little device I just put over the stationary part of the buckle when I need, and it blocks kids from pressing the red release part down. (You can release it by using a popsicle stick that they provide, or a thin key.) We’ve tried it with the child-restraint engaged on the seat belt, and my kids couldn’t slip out from underneath, either. No more waiting for a half hour for your kid to stay buckled, and no more stress about them being unsafe! It’s a great tool to have around when kids can’t resist their impulses.

Mom Hack #6: Freezer Meals

Saves: Time and Money

Freezer meals have saved me serving cereal for dinner every night during several stressful times! Like when I headed back to work after the birth of our 2nd kid, or when my husband was working 6 days a week, and going back to school. Time every evening is at a premium. And I didn’t want to spend it in a hot kitchen yelling at the boys to stop tormenting each other.

Just having something in the freezer that could be ready to eat in an hour or so is amazing. And then you add in the time benefits from making your meal in bulk? I’m sold! There are a couple different options that I’ve tried- like Once a Month Meals, and mini-freezer meal plans from different websites (like this one from Pinch of Yum).

Lastly, I’ve been loving Kelly’s recipes on the Family Freezer. I especially love her style because it’s ‘dump and go’ which means very quick meal prep. She uses a lot of frozen veggies and canned goods to make it much much quicker. They’re healthy, and she even makes the darn grocery list for you! And there are a bunch of options to get started for free, instead of paying a monthly membership. It doesn’t get much better than that!

Since one of the challenging behaviors we deal with at our house is extreme picky-eating, I tend to choose meals based on how I can ‘deconstruct’ them. So, for example, spaghetti with meat balls and green beans is a win, because one kid can have plan spaghetti. The other can have spaghetti with marinara, and then the rest of us can have a nice balanced meal. Casseroles and soups are a great example of something that generally doesn’t work for this tactic.

Using These Mom Hacks to Help Manage Kids with Challenging Behaviors

The greater bandwidth you have, the easier it is to remain patient and use all the other tools at your disposal to help your kid. You can be more present when everything else is under control. One of the greatest struggles with challenging behaviors is that we don’t always know when they’ll strike. There’s always an ebb and flow, whether it’s measured in months or hours. Using parenting hacks is the alternative to letting everything fall apart when your kid demands your full attention.

I’d love to hear what other parenting hacks help you save time, money or energy while helping your kid with challenging behaviors! Share in the comments below!

Pin It for Later

Avoiding Holiday Stress for Parents

Happy Holidays?

Or Holiday Stress?

We all want to preserve the holidays as a happy time for our kids, so they can look back and have fond memories. So every year we spend an incalculable amount of time dreaming, planning and putting together these magical moments.

But what about your happy memories? When you look back on the last couple year’s holidays, are they happy? Or just a blur of things-to-do and exhaustion. How often do you get to Christmas, and just wish it would be over already.

That is not a recipe for a Happy Holiday. Christmas and Thanksgiving are a time to celebrate, enjoy some family togetherness, and maybe, even some peace.

Avoiding Stress In The Chaos

For many families, the holidays are anything but peaceful. The Christmas chaos seems like it’s a given. There are a million holiday parties to schedule around, recitals and school productions, gifts to find, make and wrap, and special meals to plan and prepare.

And, there are tricky family situations to navigate.

So often, when we’re talking about family, it feels like the choices are out of our control. How many times have you said something like, “I can’t NOT go to dinner at my mom’s! She’ll hold it against me for the whole year!”

This is a big problem, because when we feel we don’t have a choice, we often end up resenting our situation (or the person). Believing you don’t have a choice also steals your joy! And I promise, there’s always a choice. Even if it’s just between the lesser of two evils.

Take back your choices

We need to understand that it’s our choice to build this season up, or to enjoy it simply. It’s a choice to listen to the commercialization of the season, and believe that we need buy into allllll the trimmings that go with it.

Stress sneaks into our lives in a bunch of different ways in November and December. Often the first step is to realize the vision we have in mind of a ‘perfect Thanksgiving’ or a ‘perfect Christmas.’

Now, seriously assess how attainable that is. Is that even what you want? Do you want multiple social engagements every weekend, and to eat dozens of extra cookies, and to fill our house to the bursting point with extra decorations?

What is the cost of striving for this? I’m talking about the literal financial cost, of course, as well as the emotional and physical toll.

Set your goals for the holiday season. Pick a few meaningful things, and do them well. (Make sure you collaborate with your spouse about this, too. I guarantee they have their own thoughts about meaningful activities for Christmas and Thanksgiving.)

Often, we feel obligated to repeat traditions from our past. But this is a chance to re-evaluate them. There is nothing wrong with saying, “That was a beautiful time and memory for me from when I was little. But it just doesn’t make sense for what our family needs now.” Curating your family traditions is NOT disrespectful to your past.

Tips For Avoiding Types of Holiday Stress

Holiday Stress from Over-Scheduling:

Keep at least one day of the week clear from work and obligations. (Sundays are an obvious choice, but if you work a non Monday-Friday, find a different day, and keep it as clear as possible.)
Say NO to invitations that will cause you stress.
Multi-purpose your gatherings with friends. Use the time together to wrap presents, make gifts, or bake treats that will be needed for other upcoming functions.
Re-schedule things for January if possible.
Start some tasks early (like making and freezing cookie dough in large batches in November).

Holiday Stress from Extended Family:

Set boundaries, and let family know as far in advance as possible about when you will be and where.
- When setting these boundaries, it’s important to think not only about what you’ve done in the past, but what your own family currently needs.
- If you have to explain new boundaries to family, try to phrase it so they can give you a ‘yes.’ For example, “Will you help me make this Christmas as magical and non-hurried for the kids as possible?”
Know your triggers, and have a plan. (I know, I just summed up years of therapy in one sentence. Talk about easier said than done!)
Skip the alcohol at family parties. It always sounds like it’ll help ‘take the edge off’ but usually it prevents us from being in complete control of ourselves. Bonus- you’ll feel better in the morning!
Prepare! Is there something you’re afraid of happening? Or being asked? Are you nervous about your kids being judged?
- Have some pre-planned responses
- Prepare your kids; if you’re going to dinner at your in-laws, and are worried about your kid’s behavior you could have a ‘fancy’ practice dinner at your house first! It’s a chance to practice all those manners, and maybe earn some dessert. (You don’t have to serve anything fancy- it can be mac & cheese with a piece of fruit for dessert!)
- If food refusal is something you’re worried about, you could try preparing a response from yourself, or giving your kid polite ways to say no thank you.

Holiday Stress from Finances:

Go back to your big picture; what and why are you celebrating in the first place.
Establish a budget, and don’t stray from it
Make gifts when possible; trim the gift giving list
Be honest with people you might not be able to give gifts to this year. You may be surprised by people’s responses! No one wants to be a burden!

Enjoy a Peaceful Holiday Season!

You CAN reclaim the peace in your life this holiday season. Remember, you don’t have to do everything; just choose a few meaningful activities and do them well. Attack the holiday stress by addressing the family obligations, the over-scheduling, and the finances. And don’t forget to choose peace over stress this holiday season! After all, as the carol goes, “Let there be peace on Earth. And let it begin with me.”

If you want more parenting tips and strategies for a happier, more peaceful home all year, make sure to sign-up for the newsletter below!

Get Access To It ALL

Sign-up to receive exclusive parenting tips, strategies, support, and ALL the free downloads

All of it- straight to your inbox!

Thank you!

You have successfully joined our subscriber list. Keep your eyes open for your welcome newsletter.

There will be a second email specifically for your password and access to the Easier Parenting Resource Library where you’ll find all your free downloads! So watch out for that, too!

If you have any problems or questions, you can email me directly at alex@alexandria-cooper.com!

See you soon!

Pin It!

About Alexandria

Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

Differently Wired Book Review

Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.

Book Review for “Differently Wired”

Differently Wired, (affiliate link), explores the challenges of parents and caregivers raising kids who are developing outside the norm. Differently Wired is a very inclusive term, which can mean everything from learning disabilities, developmental delays, and Down’s Syndrome, to autism and/or giftedness. It’s basically any diagnosis that would result in kids thinking, learning, or behaving differently. It’s a book about changing our mindsets, for the better. To proudly stand beside our kids, to grow with them, to advocate for them.

Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. By Deborah Reber

The author, Deborah Reber, spends the first section of the book laying out why we can no longer accept the status quo- both as parents and as a society- for our kids. She then goes into how we can shift our mindset, with “TiLTS” in thinking.

The TiLTS can mainly be grouped into the categories of: 1) letting your child be the wonderful person they are; 2) finding personal growth as a parent, and; 3) advocacy and how to deal with the world/school systems. Each of the 18 TiLTS is an easily digestible chapter, complete with pro-tips and actionable advice.

Differently Wired Is Beautifully Strengths Based

It’s (sadly) not often we hear the up-side of diagnoses like dyslexia (an amazing ability to rotate shapes and figures in your mind!) or any of the many other causes of being differently wired addressed in the book. But she insists on you- and others- seeing your child with their strengths first. She somehow also balances this with our need to sometimes grieve about the loss of the “typical” dream. But she doesn’t let you stay down for long! In fact, one of my favorite quotes from the book,

“Maybe, just maybe, a bad day is actually a good day in disguise.” (Page 131)

Differently Wired is written from the author’s perspective as the parent of a son with autism, giftedness and ADHD, and she leans heavily on her own experiences. But she does bring in plenty of other experts, and anecdotes from people in her community to help balance it. I do believe any parent of a differently wired child would be able to take something positive away from this book.

**Who Should Read Differently Wired?**

This book is primarily for parents and caregivers of differently wired children. It would also be a very worthwhile read for anyone spending a lot of time around these kids- like grandparents, teachers, or coaches. If you’re a parent of a typically developing child, it’s an interesting read to broaden your horizons, but it may not be “required” reading.

Do I Recommend Differently Wired: Raising Exceptional Children In A Conventional World?

Yes! I emphatically recommend it! To be honest, I had meant to quickly skim this book so I could get this review to you almost a month ago. But once I started, I couldn’t put it down quickly. It deserved to be read. Every. Single. Word. As a parent of 2 differently wired kids, this spoke to me personally, and to the balancing act between the ‘normal’ and differently wired worlds I occupy as their mom. Reber scoops you up, and lets you know you are not in this alone. And that’s the real power of this book.

Are there any parenting books you’re on the fence about reading, or would like me to review? Let me know in the comments below, and I promise to add them to the list!

Pin It!

Impulse Control Activities for Teens

This is Part 3 of a series about impulse control for kids and teens. Click on the links for Parts 1, 2 and 4.

Impulse Control is an Essential Skill to Develop

But I don’t need to convince you. MOST parents I talk to are already way on board with wanting to help their kid, tween or teen gain impulse-control (or self-control) skills. But actually helping our teens learn impulse control skills is a much different task. Talking about it, telling them they need more impulse control, and lectures won’t get us anywhere. The best way to teach is through specifically designed impulse control activities for teens, tweens and big kids.

Tips for Parents Before Teaching Impulse Control Activities For Teens

Before you dive in- whenever you’re working with a teenager, you need to know it’s a two way street. We still have to prepare ourselves as parents, even more than when they were younger. I have a couple of suggestions to help ensure that once you get to the point of actually implementing these impulse control activities for teens things will go more smoothly.

1. Have Realistic Expectations

Don’t set the bar too high, but don’t set it too low, either. If you know what they’re currently capable of, your expectation should be 1 or maybe 2 steps beyond that. Also, understand that there will always be some low-level impulsive ‘stuff’ to their personality. Yes, it may drive you crazy, but try not to get bogged down by the little things.

2. Use Routines to your advantage

You can initially reduce some of the need for impulse control by using routines. These are people who desperately need routines and structure. When your brain is acting like a pinball machine, structure is a safe place to rest; even if your teen seems resistant to it at first. If you’re on a diet, (which takes an immense amount of impulse control) you would set yourself up for success by removing the treats from your house, and planning out your meals. Give your teens the same benefit with routine in their life! Just because they’re impulsive, doesn’t mean they need- or even want- everything to be spontaneous.

3. Give Extra Support to the Extra Challenging Times

If you can, create extra structure around a particularly stressful time of day (or event- like exams) to help find more peace. Is getting to school on time a challenge? Implement a routine for night that includes making sure clothes are laid out, homework- and anything else they need- is already in the backpack, etc.

4. Get Their Buy-In

When you’re working with a teen, you need their buy-in to implement change. Find the common ground during a calm moment. For example, “Can we both agree that there’s too much fighting in the mornings before school?” Instead of “You’re always running late, and it’s not ok.” Maybe your teen has some ideas about what would help them be on time? If you give them the time and space to open up, you might be surprised how insightful they are!

5. Pick One Area to Work On at A Time

Have you ever had a big project going on at work, while you’re trying to stay on a very strict diet, and you’re also not spending money because you’re on a tight budget? It’s completely overwhelming to focus on so many things, and share your attention span and impulse control over so many facets of your life. Classwork, peers, girl/boyfriends, jobs, parents, and extracurriculars are all vying for that limited amount of impulse control. So, from where I’m standing, you have two choices for deciding which area to start with. Option 1– Where is impulse-control getting your kid into trouble the most? Are they interrupting, or wandering, or chronically late? Choose one topic, and if you can, break it down even smaller, like working on not interrupting your teachers (we’ll get to parents later). Think of it as ‘niching down.’ Option 2– Where will you be able to make the biggest impact the quickest? Will simply making sure the homework actually gets back to school be the biggest difference maker? You could choose to focus on that first.

6. Understand They Will Still Need Your Help

Teens are doing everything they can to gain more and more independence- which is completely developmentally appropriate! So I understand that it feels incongruent to say that they need even more help right now. But when we give them a new task to try, they’re going to need our support. If they have support, they’ll be more successful, which will give them more confidence, which will make them want to continue on their own. Once they’re confident in the task, you can peel back some of your support- layer by layer.

7. Practice, Practice, Practice

Impulse control is best compared to a muscle, and not a set of knowledge. You can’t go to the gym once a month, or even once a week, and really expect to grow stronger. This isn’t something that can be taught once, and then you expect them to know how to do it. It will take consistent work, for a lifetime, to grow and keep the impulse control ‘muscles’ strong.

8. Be A Good Role-Model

The need to continue practicing impulse control extends into our adult lives. So be the best role-model you can! If you can’t be perfect, (and no one expects you to be!) talk about it with your kid. You can even check out ideas for improving your own impulse control.

Life Skills to Improve Impulse Control

So, now that you have your teen’s buy-in, let’s talk about what skills actually make a difference in improving impulse control. Then we’ll get to translating those skills into actual impulse control activities for teens.

First, teenagers need to continue in their emotional, mental and social development. As they continue developing, the brain matures through experience and they can start to feel some of the regret, and see the social consequences of poor impulse control. And with greater mental development, they will gain the ability to think about different behaviors that would lead to different outcomes.

Second, we need to help them with their stress-reduction skills. Think about when you’re most likely to break your diet and have that dessert, or glass of wine, you told yourself you wouldn’t. It’s not when you’re calm and in control. It’s when you’re feeling stressed out, and out of control. Most teens experience a tremendous amounts of stress, so giving them better stress-reduction techniques can help improve impulse control in the same way it can help you stick to a diet, etc.

Third, we can help our teenagers develop mindfulness. This goes hand in hand with stress-reduction. But by learning mindfulness, too, they can start sensing their body’s physical cues about when stress and impulses are about to take over. Mindfulness is excellent for helping overall regulation. If you think of your teen as a car, that would be the care and maintenance part. It’s also great for quick stress-reduction, which addresses ’emergency repairs.’

Fourth, we need to give them concrete problem-solving skills. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If we haven’t taught our teens to respond in a different way when a problem arises, they will continue with the same problematic (impulsive) behavior from the past. We need to give them the tools to be able to step-back, analyze, and solve a problem.

Lastly, we need to provide them opportunities to practice delayed gratification. The need for instant gratification can get teens into a lot of trouble. Unprotected sex, verbal outbursts, physical aggression, and using drugs are all things people do because they ‘wanted to’ or because it felt like the right thing at the time. If you’re asking, “Why did you do that?” and getting responses like, “I don’t know,” “just because,” or “because I wanted to,” chances are you’re dealing with a teen with very little ability to tolerate delayed gratification.

Impulse Control Activities for Teens

I’ll break these activities down by life-skill. Many of these skills may seem basic to you as an adult, but your teen may need a reminder to use the new tools in their toolbox. Gentle, friendly reminders are going to help them create routines and new, positive habits. But they won’t be able to do it without you. New habits can take at least 28 days to build, but they can fall apart quicker than that through sporadic use.

1. Emotional, Mental and Social Development

Organized sports/activities/clubs
Keep a journal; reflect on when you were able to exhibit impulse control, and when you were not. What did you mean to happen?
Have a few pre-planned responses to help ward off peer pressure
For teens with trouble regulating time, use a planner with hour (or even half hour) time slots. Build in timers and routines for filling out the planner and referencing it. (Read about more time management tips for teens here.)

2. Stress-Reduction Techniques

Take a shower
Have a mantra or Bible passage memorized. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NRSV) is a personal favorite, but a quick Google or Pinterest search will help you find many more.
Write out the things you are, and are NOT in control of.
Practice deep breathing.
Dance
Physical activity
Blowing bubbles
Coloring
Journaling

3. Developing Mindfulness

Practice yoga, meditation, or even just controlled breathing
Identify which situations are most likely to get you in trouble, then work backwards. What feelings do you have before it? What events precede it? Are you misreading situations? (Also applies to Continued Development and Problem-Solving Skills.)
Use the “Stop, think, go” technique when you start to have feelings that indicate impulsivity.

4. Problem-solving Skills

Understand problem areas, and develop a few planned responses
Practice breaking problems down into smaller chunks
Ask for help
Make a plan
Step back, and come back to the problem later with fresh eyes

5. Practicing Delayed Gratification

Plan and budget for a special purchase
Gardening
Long-term (start with 1-2 weeks, and build from there) crafts or projects.
Large puzzles

Bonus- Activities for Impulsive Interrupting/Verbal Outbursts

If these techniques are mainly going to be used in a classroom setting, your teen may want to talk to their teachers, or you could send a quick email to let them know what’s going on, so your kid doesn’t feel pressured or rushed. I would recommend practicing this at home to the point where your teen is comfortable before bring this to school, though.

Before talking, practice taking a deep breath, and taking that extra second to consider the response.
Practice literally talking slower.
‘Parrot’ back the question. Try not to repeat word for word, but state your understanding. “So, you’re asking if…” This one take a lot of practice.
Use imagery to help. Imagine a zipper on your mouth. Or, imagine your mouth is stuffed full of marshmallows, and you can only respond with 1 or 2 words.

Removing the Layers of Support

Your support is critical to your teen. If they try to push you away, or act like the don’t want or need your help, just remember that they’re doing their developmental job. It also probably means you need some more buy-in from them.

Once they have developed the routine, you can slowly remove some of your supports. But think of it like Jenga- things don’t go well if you just take 10 pieces at once out of the base. But if you slowly and strategically remove blocks from the bottom, you can be left with something that stands stronger and taller than when you started.

If you’ve been left feeling drained, exhausted, and out of ideas, sign up for the newsletter! I will help build you back up, through encouragement, new tips, and by being someone to bounce ideas off of. I hope to hear from you soon!

Pin It!

How Much Quality Time Do Kids Need?

How Much Quality Time Do Kids Really Need?

Quality Time Can Come With A Lot Of Stress

There is immense pressure on us as parents to spend as much time as possible with our kids. AND to have that time filled with amazing activities and quality time.

The incredible thing is- we’re spending twice the amount of time with our kids than the parents of 1975. And it’s driving a lot of parents to the breaking point. Working parents feel stressed and guilty for not having as much time with their kids, and stay at home parents are exhausted by the endless attempt to engage with kids all day. No one is winning.

But how much quality time do we need to actually be spending with our kids per day? What if I told you that you could hack the quality time system to make it enjoyable for everyone? You can- just by zeroing in on what your kid needs, so you can drop all the extras, and ditch the stress. Wouldn’t that be the dream?! Happy kids AND happy parents!

Personally, the goal for me is to see quality time as something I want and get to do with my kid. If it’s something I’m measuring, or counting, or worrying about, I’ve missed the point.

Research on Quality Time Shows the Unexpected

This study from the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that the sheer amount of time we’re spending with our 3-11 year olds IS NOT making a difference in their outcomes. The researchers measured time moms spend with their kids- both time that moms are accessible to their kids, and times that they are engaged with them. They found no link between the amount of time (accessible OR engaged) spent with kids and their behavioral health, emotional health, or academic performance.

Despite this research, I DO BELIEVE that quality time with our kids matters. My takeaway from all the research is that:

Quality is better than quantity.
It takes less quality time than we think to make a difference in our kids’ lives.
Time with dad, or both parents, is important, too.

So How Much Quality Time Do Kids Actually Need With Their Parents?

I know this is going to sound low to you, so prepare yourself. My recommendation is 30 minutes. And to do it in a low-pressure, stress-free way. It may not seem like much, especially if you’ve been pressuring yourself to put in hours a day. But releasing yourself from that stress will make this time more enjoyable, and even more beneficial to your kiddo! Here are some useful ideas to help you successfully incorporate quality time with your kid into your life.

1. Break the 30 minutes of quality time up into chunks

One way to do it would be to have 10 minutes in the morning, before work/daycare/school, 10 minutes after school/work, and 10 minutes at/after dinner.

2. Regular, daily family-life counts as quality time

IF you’re engaging with your kid, on their level, grocery shopping, family dinner, even folding the laundry can count! Quality time can absolutely be found in mundane moments of life.

3. Build Up To It

It can be hard to start any new routine, so if 30 minutes sounds like an immense amount of time that will put you over the edge, go ahead and start with 5 minutes! Just make the minutes count!

4. You Can Give More Than 1 Kid Quality Time at Once!

If you’re engaging with everyone, it all counts. Family game night with all 4 kids? Congrats, you rockstar, you’ve just provided ALL the kids quality time at once! In the playroom with two kiddos, simultaneously playing princess tea party and trucks?! You are knocking this out of the park! Kids are watching Netflix, while you’re in the same room, but on your phone? NOT quality time. But hey, we all need some downtime, too.

Where Is This Pressure for More Quality Time Coming From, Anyway?

The truth is, we came by this stress honestly. It’s the bath-water we’ve been swimming in, and most of us don’t know any differently. But there are a few different factors that got us here. And if we know the causes of our stress and overwhelm, we can fight it more effectively.

1. Moms are viewing their children’s success differently.

In a survey asking Millennial moms what success would look like for their child, 71% responded with answers other than professional and/or academic success. “Strong, lasting, personal relationships” and “a healthy lifestyle” accounted for 23% of the responses, each. [Rounding out the answers for the 71% of moms who will measure their children’s success by something other than work or school are, “Lasting, meaningful service to others” (7%), “Artistic or creative achievement” (6%) and “A strong spiritual/religious life” (12%).]

More millennial moms are focusing on the long-term relationships and health of their kids. And it would seem logical that quality time should improve the chances that our kids have strong relationships and healthy lifestyles. So it’s an easy transition from that to the idea that “my kid’s healthy development- and later success in life- depends in large part on how much time they spend with me [their mom] and that I am unique and irreplaceable.” (Fun fact- in family research, this is called intensive mothering. I think the name says it all.) It might sound like a blessing and joy at first, but for many it can quickly end up feeling like a burden.

2. Quality time as a status symbol.

Don’t believe me? When I started research for this article, one of the first things I ran across was a CALCULATOR for measuring how much time you spend with your kids. Do you want to know the kicker? YOU COULD THEN LITERALLY COMPARE HOW YOU STACKED UP TO OTHER PARENTS!! People- we are better than that!!! Aren’t we?! When we are in contest with other parents, that’s a pretty clear indication to me that quality time is being used a measure of status. (Sorry for the rant- I’ll regain my composure soon!)

Still don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think of a mom who has the ability to spend hours with her children, creating Pinterest worthy crafts, and going on Facebook perfect vacations. What does she look like in your mind? Does she look like a fairly privileged person to you?

3. The relationships with our kids may be the most enduring of our lives.

The systemic fragility and decline of marriage, and the changing landscape of romantic relationships, now means that our relationships with our kids is quite possibly going to be more long lasting than the relationships with have with our spouses/partners. The focal relationship used to be between spouses, but now it’s often moms hyper-focusing on their kids.

4. It’s literally being marketed to us!

Think of all the Disneyland commercials, and the ads for family getaways to a-city-near-you. Think of the car commercials with the children smiling and behaving in the backseat while the family goes somewhere for some wonderful quality time together. We are constantly being told that we NEED to have quality, one-on-one time with our kids.

I’m exhausted and overwhelmed just writing that. No wonder levels of parental stress seem like they’re at an all time high! But that’s exactly what we want to avoid. Because research has shown that kids have fewer negative behaviors at school, if dads enjoy parenting more. And kids have better general outcomes when moms have lower stress levels.

In Conclusion

There is so much pressure on parents to “perform.” But really, it would be so much better for us (and our kids) if we all just relaxed. The research shows that we’re putting in more than enough quality time. If we just focus on trying to enjoy our kids more, the rest will follow, I promise.

If you’re ready to reduce your parenting stress, sign-up for my newsletter, where you’ll get helpful, actionable parenting tips every other week.

Pin It!

About Alexandria

The Hardest Thing About Parenting

What is the hardest thing to do?

Ask for help.

The stairs weren’t quite as creepy as these!

I fell down the stairs last week. For real. I was just walking, like normal, and I totally wiped out. In front of my two little guys. It was everything I could do to not just burst into tears because of the pain. So I kind of pulled myself together, and the very next thing I did was…

Change a diaper. I was in such pain that I was directing my toddler exactly where to lay and to bring the diaper and wipes. But I didn’t ask for help immediately. In fact, it took me 2 hours to ask for help so I could go to the ER for an X-ray.

So why is it so hard to ask for help?

Would you rather be the helper or the helped? Most of us are much more comfortable being the helper. But why is it that way? It’s probably a combination of things. And if we can figure out what’s stopping us, we’re one step closer to addressing it!

Reasons it’s hard to ask for help

Pride

We don’t want to believe we need the help of others. Or maybe we feel like we’re better than that.

It’s admitting to failure

Depending on how it manifests, this can actually be a subset of pride, but I think so many parents are worried about failing that I want to list it separately. If we’re fairly independent people, then the idea that you have to ask for help may signal feelings of failure. Personally, asking for help felt tantamount to admitting that I couldn’t take care of my kids, which meant I had failed at my primary job. If you can’t do it yourself, you’ve failed.

We’re afraid of being judged for needing help

We all have a perception of our status in a group, and you may also be aware of power dynamics. You may be reluctant to ask for help because you’re afraid it will confirm your status as the low-rung-on-the-ladder. Or maybe you’re ‘top dog’ and feel like asking for help would be calling your position into question, and even jeopardize your ability to remain on top.

We don’t know who to ask for help

If you’re lucky enough to have other parent friends, chances are they’re in the same boat. We don’t want to be an imposition or burden, or we’re afraid of straining our friendships by asking too much. Or maybe you are on a proverbial island, and don’t feel like you know anyone well enough to ask.

We don’t actually know WHAT help we need

If you’re drowning, you don’t care if a raft, a circle floatation device, a helicopter or a dolphin saves you. And you certainly haven’t done an analysis on which one will be best for your situation, so you can then place your request. You’re busy splashing around, thinking, “Gee, I wish someone would help me, I’m getting really tired over here.” When you’re in over your head in real life, it’s the same.

We assume the answer would be no

How many times have you ever thought that you just know someone won’t be able to help because they’re too ___ (fill in the blank here). But how many times have you told a person who needs you that you can’t help? If you truly can’t, you usually offer another suggestion. Let’s let those people be the judge of whether they can actually help or not.

Get to the top, with a little help!

Overcoming the challenge

My thoughts on overcoming the challenge of asking for help all revolve around making a plan ahead of time, and reducing what’s overwhelming you. I know. I’m sorry- this does not help you in a crisis.

Step 1

First, find your personal blocks. What’s stopping you from asking for help? Was there anything that struck a chord? Make a plan to slowly address that. Take an honest look at yourself, and take some time to work through it.

Step 2

Simplify your life. Figure out what the things are that you’re most likely to feel like you need help with? Is it laundry? Running an errand? Doing dishes- again? Those are great examples of things we don’t usually feel like we can ask other people to do for us. Personally, I ~~hate~~ strongly dislike the suggestion of “lower the bar.” Trust me, if I’m worrying about laundry, that means someone doesn’t have socks to wear for tomorrow. I can’t lower that bar anymore! But if you can make a plan to simplify your life, do it! Maybe this is the week where everyone has spaghetti and marinara (from a jar) for 4 days straight, and no one dies of malnutrition. That would simplify dinner prep, AND grocery shopping! Maybe this is the month where your kids buy lunch from school so you don’t have to make it in the morning. Maybe this is the time for streamlining that bedtime routine that has somehow grown to an hour long?

Step 3

A lot of getting out of a crisis is just having the strength left to keep moving forward. So even if you don’t have someone who would do your laundry, you hopefully have someone who is a cheerleader in your life. Talk to that person and get a pep-talk, and then crank whatever music gets you psyched up -even if it has to be on your headphones- and go get something done.

Step 4

Switch your mindset to instantly reduce your overwhelm. Parenting is a 24 hour job, and many of us are up after the kids go to bed still cleaning up the house or finishing up work on the computer. But what if we weren’t completing the jobs left over from today? What if we’re simply getting ahead for tomorrow? What if, maybe around the time your kids go to bed, your to-do list magically resets. You no longer have to-dos for today; anything left undone just moves to tomorrow. So, if you’re loading the washer at 8:30pm, it’s not because you’re so far behind. You’re simply crushing it for tomorrow! And if you’re actually done with your to-do list (is that a thing?!) then choose something to do tonight that will set you up for success in the morning.

Now get out there, and do your thing! And don’t forget to ask for help!

If you’re looking for more help, “The Stress-Free Guide to a Happier Family: Improve Your Parenting Skills” is now available! You can also get more help delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the newsletter!

How to Become a More Patient Parent

If I Just Had More Patience…

Patience is one of the most elusive things for parents. We know- without a doubt- when our patience is gone, and it never seems to be in abundant supply! We’ve been told “patience is a virtue” and heard many parents say they’re praying for more patience. And this definition of patience really says it all:

“Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”

It seems like patience is this holy grail of parenthood. Have you ever thought, “If I could just be more patient, I’d be a better mom/dad?” Or have you seen a mom at the playground and thought, “Wow. She has so much patience with her daughter. If I could do that, it would be a game changer.”

9 Steps To Becoming a More Patient Parent

The good news is that there are immediate, actionable steps you can take to grow your own patience. TODAY! (Just in case you’re feeling impatient to become more patient! Ha!)

So without further ado, here is your 2-part plan.

Part 1: Prepare Yourself

1. Know Your Own Buttons

Know your own buttons, and try to limit your kids ‘access’ to them. For example, if constant questions drive you up a wall, you can work on teaching them to look up answers themselves. If the idea of tolerating delay causes anxiety for you, plan for an extra 10, 20 or however many minutes you’ll need to allow for the inevitable.

2. Practice Good Self Care

Practice good self care. I am far from the first person to say it, but this goes back to the airplane analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping the others around you. You are no good to anyone else if you have passed out because you neglected your own mask! If you are completely exhausted I can just about guarantee you are going to have a hard time being patient with your kids. The same goes if you’re hungry, or too cold or too hot, or stressed, and the list could go on. When your resources are depleted, you have nothing left to give.

Part 2: Prepare for your specific kid

3. Know Your Kid’s Actual Development Level

Understanding what you can reasonably expect, and knowing what is beyond your child, can set you up for success. If you are constantly over demanding, you are going to get frustrated and your kid is going to overwhelmed. You’ll also want to keep in mind how any development or cognitive delays may affect their developmental level. Sure, you kid looks like they’re 7 (or even BE 7, chronologically), but they may only be functioning at a 5 year-old level. And, I promise, nothing will drive you crazier than expecting him or her to act like a 7 year old!

• If you want to brush up on developmental milestones for ages 3-11, here are a couple trusted and easy to read sites. There’s the Ages and Stages of Development from California’s Department of Education. And Stanford Children’s has a good page about The Growing Child for ages 6-12.

4. Lay Out Your Expectations and Limits

Clearly stating your expectations, and the limits, is critical. If your kid doesn’t truly understand what they’re supposed to be doing, they won’t be able to complete the task, which will try your patience.

Stating the limits beforehand helps because it takes the emotional aspect out of it. It’s just the facts!

5. Make A Plan Before You’re In Crisis Mode

If you know your kid struggles with transition, or it makes your eye start twitching when they’ve asked you the 32nd question in a row, make a plan for yourself.

Like, leave your family a ridiculous amount of time before you leave, or develop a mantra for yourself (“curiosity is good” or whatever helps you!) You can also put a limit on things like asking 32 questions. It’s great modeling to show that you need a few minutes to re-center. Or better yet, teach your kid how to use an ‘old-fashioned’ encyclopedia!

6. Give Choices

But only give choices you truly mean. Once you start practicing choices you’ll start seeing that you have so many more options than you realized.

For example, with young kids, it’s not a choice that they have to run errands with you. But you could give them the choice of which grocery cart to ride in, or they could help choose what fruit you buy (like apples vs. grapes). For older kids, it’s not a choice that they have to do their homework, but they could choose the rewarding activity they get to do afterwards in their free time (like art, music, video game, playing outside, spending special one on one time with you, etc.)

7. Be A Cheer Leader

Know that relentlessly cheering your kid on is faster than yelling. Saying, “Great job, keep going!” is going to get a much better, and often quicker result than, “Come on, why are you going so slow?!”

8. Keep Smiling

Sometimes the simplest things are best; so keep smiling. Study after study has shown that simply smiling -even if you don’t feel happy- can trick your body into releasing chemicals in your brain which in turn actually DO make you happy. And isn’t it so much easier to be patient when you’re feeling happy?

9. Pray

Step back and pray (or meditate if that’s not your thing). Just taking a quick break, and connecting with something beyond yourself is a time-tested way to calm down and regain your patience.

The Wrap Up

I know it’s tough out there, but you can do this. Patience isn’t something you’re born with. (Think of all those crying toddlers!) It’s something we cultivate and grow. So yes, even you will be able to grow more patient over time!

Start by recognizing your own triggers, and practicing excellent self-care. Then you can work on understanding your kid, and being clear about your expectations. Make a plan! And you can use techniques like giving choices, remaining positive, and prayer to help you along the way.

I’d love to hear how any of these steps worked out for you- let me know in the comments below!

How do you know if your kid is ready for a phone?

Questions to Ask When Considering a Phone for a Child:

Why does your kid need a phone?

What’s my child’s general maturity level?

Reasons your kid might want a phone

Things you can do instead of giving kids their own phone

Teaching kids to use phones as tools

What does a therapist do in her own house for kid phones?

Your Plan for Getting Your Kid a Phone

So How Do We Readjust from Caring for a Sick Kid?

1. Explain

2. Changes to Routine Matter

3. Plant the Seed for ‘Going Back to Normal’

4. It’s More Fun to be Healthy

5. Lay the Groundwork for Next You’re Caring for a Sick Kid

Take it up a Notch to Thriving Household!

Recovering From Caring For A Sick Kid

Raising Kids with Resilience and Self-Control

Raising Resilient Children for Life

1. Teach your kid mantras

2. Praise the trying, not the result

3. Teach problem-solving skills

4. Let Them Make Mistakes

5. Teach them to “fight the flight”

6. Be a good role-model

7. Love them Unconditionally

Resilience in Your Family

Related Posts

Pin It!

Respect is Critical

6 Steps to Get Your Kid’s Respect

1. Listen to them.

2. Actions are worth 1000 words.

3. Follow-through.

4. Fight fair.

5. Avoid talking behind backs.

6. Let your work be seen.

Respect Can Strengthen Relationships

Does My Child Have ADHD? Maybe Not…

Reasons to Question Whether or Not Your Child Has ADHD:

What Else Could It Be? Other Explanations for ADHD-Like Behaviors

1. Anxiety

2. Sensory Processing Disorder (Specifically Sensory-Seeking)

3. Giftedness

4. Poor Diet/Lack of Exercise or Free Time Outside

5. Learning Disorders

5. Auditory Processing Disorder

6. PTSD/Stress Disorders

My Child Has An ADHD Diagnosis. Why Should I Mess With It?

Does My Child Have ADHD? Getting Second Opinions

You May Also Be Interested In…

Step 1: Change Your Mindset

Step 2: Planning out Your Activities for Kids at Home

Free Activities to do with Kids at Home

Enjoy The Time With Your Kids At Home!

Happy 2020!

The Right Tools to Accomplish Your Resolutions

InstaCart to the Rescue

So how do you get help if your child has a learning disability?

1. Gather Your Evidence/Concerns

2. Talk To The Teacher

3. Schedule an evaluation with the school psych.

4. Wait for the eval/results.

5. (Optional) Seek a second opinion.

6. Create a plan.

Keeping the Team Accountable

So, what do you do if you think your child has a learning disability?

Related Posts

How to Motivate a Child or Teen

But First, What is Internal Motivation?

Steps for How to Motivate A Child

1. Figure out what motivates them.

2. Help your kid develop their identity.

3. Find Their “Why”

*Quick Note*

4. How do you motivate an unmotivated child? Find the hook.

5. Use personality quizzes!

6. Tie small facts into the process.

Avoid This Trap If You Want to Raise A Self-Motivated Child

Now You Know How to Motivate A Child

**Raising Kids with Resilience and Self-Control**

Quick Note