A notebook to jot down your questions for the teachers, and their comments
I know I’m not the only one bracing myself for the worst when it comes to parent-teacher conferences.
I love my kids, but there’s a certain amount of breath-holding and worrying about what the teacher is going to say about any one of my sons.
“Mrs. Cooper, he’s that kid.”
“He’s never quiet in class, and he’s a complete disruption.”
“He can’t keep up.”
It’s easy for us to worry that we’re going to be embarrassed or feel like a failure or maybe even cry in front of this teacher! After all, we generally see the worst of their behavior, while they save their best self for the rest of the world.
What’s a parent to do?
We can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. One of the things I like to do is think about the strengths of each of my kids, because it can be a big classroom and those unique, wonderful things can go unnoticed.
Step 1 for successful parent-teacher conferences
So, step one is starting with a new perspective.
Instead of assuming the worst, I’m going in thinking about the best parts of my kids. Whatever the teacher may bring up, I will remember the strengths of my kid. If she says he’s falling behind in reading, I will remember what a tender heart he has. No, this doesn’t fix the reading problem, but it does help me to not feel so gutted when I hear the bad news.
Step 2 for successful parent-teacher conferences
The second thing I do is remember that this is a two-way conversation.
I can ask the teacher questions as well. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to come off as combative. I’m very appreciative of the incredibly difficult job that these teachers have, but I take my role as my child’s advocate seriously.
So, if I have concerns, or just questions, II try to write those down in a cheap notebook. And I’ll have each kid or each teacher on a different page with a questions I specifically want to ask. These are questions like:
Have you seen *this behavior* show up in class?
How is he reading (or fill in your concern here) compared to the beginning of the school year?
What are some additional ways I can support him at home?
Have you noticed him getting along, or not, with the other students?
Those questions are more for elementary school age, but they should help get you started.
These are usually questions I will run past or brainstorm with my husband. And I might get one more friend or sister’s opinion on it as well.
Step 3 for successful parent-teacher conferences
Don’t forget to set aside time to speak with the specials teachers, and/or the person working on interventions with your kiddo. If your child has a passion for music, chances are the music teacher may have a different view of them than their general teacher. It can be refreshing, and exciting, to learn about your kid’s growing abilities in art, music or gym! Even if you don’t think they have a particular talent in any of the specials, these teachers deliver their curriculum in a different way, which might result in a different kind of student-teacher relationship- so it’s worth hearing their perspective.
Bonus step for success!
Lastly, if I’m concerned about a specific problem behavior, I try to be proactive. For example, if they’re coming home, telling me that they’re not finishing their classwork on time, I would probably reach out to the teacher at that time, rather than wait until conferences.
(Unless it’s a particularly egregious thing, my general rule of thumb is to let it go if it happens once, and watch and see. Twice is a pattern, and at that point I’ll get involved. It helps to keep me from jumping in on every. little. thing. And, it gives my kids a bit of self-efficacy.)
I have found that by being proactive and working with the teachers there are fewer surprises at the parent-teacher conference. And when I walk in, they don’t view me as that kid’s mom. They view me as an important part of my son’s team. It doesn’t change the potential issues, but it does change the perspective.
Do you have any dread leading up to parent-teacher conferences? I’d love to hear your experiences!
Getting our kid’s respect can feel like the Holy Grail. “If they just respected me, they’d listen to me!” Or they might be more willing to take your advice, or just generally more cooperative, or respectful.
You intuitively understand how important their respect is. If we don’t respect someone, it is very unlikely that we’ll give them our best effort. I mean, when was the last time you went above and beyond for a boss you didn’t respect? My guess is that if you did turn in your best work, it’s because you respect yourself, the client, or your co-workers. Kids are just like us. Everything is going to work better if they know they can respect us.
So the trick to getting your kid to respect you is to ask yourself, “How would I measure whether or not to give someone else respect?” It’s the same for them.
6 Steps to Get Your Kid’s Respect
1. Listen to them.
They want to be heard. They want to be known, especially by you, the most important person in their life. When you listen, don’t interrupt or jump ahead and assume you know what they will say. Really listen. Ask questions. Make eye contact.
2. Actions are worth 1000 words.
Kids are great BS detectors. If you are a person of integrity and walk the walk, especially when things are most difficult, that will mean much more than any lecture.
3. Follow-through.
Actually do what you say you’ll do; from the small stuff to the big. It’s pretty difficult to respect someone if you can’t trust them.
4. Fight fair.
When you need to offer correction or discipline, don’t put them down when you do it. No name-calling or screaming is necessary. Speak respectfully to them, clearly let them know the issue, any potential consequences, and what you expect next time. “I know you can do better” is way different than “you suck.”
5. Avoid talking behind backs.
If you’re throwing your neighbor’s kids under the bus in front of your family, I can almost guarantee your kids are wondering if you talk about them the same way. If you want to get your kid’s respect, a little restraint can go a long way.
6. Let your work be seen.
There’s no question that you’re pulling your weight for the family, but often the unseen is unknown. Basically, your kid may not know that you’ve been working hard all day while they’re at school, or that there’s no magic laundry fairy who transformed that pile of dirty laundry. This step requires walking a tightrope of saying just enough, without sounding like you have a martyr -complex. But it’s important because part of respecting someone is knowing that they’re contributing to the team, too.
Respect Can Strengthen Relationships
I know I use way too many analogies, but respect is a lot like the soil in a garden. Without healthy soil, flowers won’t grow; and without healthy amounts of your kid’s respect, your relationship with them may wither over time.
Have you ever noticed a change in your kid’s behavior related to respect? Leave a comment, or email me at alex@choosingyourbattles.com- I’d love to hear!
Parenting Could Be The Most Important Thing You Do With Your Life
Parenting is a big job, and a huge responsibility. Many of us view it as the most consequential thing they may ever do with their lives. So, it’s no wonder so many of us wonder, “Am I doing this right?”
It’s a hard question to answer, largely because there is no one right way. The ‘right way’ can even differ between kids in the same family!
So how do you get ahead of the proverbial 8-ball, instead of always playing catch up? Create a plan. Know where you’re going, and then make a path.
Just like GPS directions when you’re driving somewhere new. You start with where you are (your current location), enter your destination, and choose which route you’d like to take. You can even design your own route, based on your knowledge of the area. But typically, you don’t start just driving, and hope you’re going in the right direction. Parenting works the same way.
SO, WHAT IS PARENTING WITH A PLAN?
Parenting with a plan means that you have developed the framework of your parenting so you’re not just throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks.
Parenting with a plan is accepting that you won’t be able to do everything as a parent, and therefore have established priorities.
This allows you to have consistency, which is one of the most important parts of parenting. Think of how crazy it’ll drive you if you’re doing one behavior modification plan this week, and then something different next week!
Consistency is important because your kids need to know what to expect from you; and it’s exhausting for you to keep re-working the wheel. It’s best if you find something you believe in and stick with it.
The destination and path you choose aren’t as important as your conviction that this is the right fit for you. That’s why there are as many different ways of parenting as there are parents- this is all based on your values and personality and choices.
Benefits of Consistency
Once you are settled in your parenting methods, you’ll be able to reap the benefits of having established consistency. During the tumultuous times of life you’ll be able to turn to your plan, and rely on the strategies you’ve developed and the knowledge that you’re following your values.
There is a ton of research demonstrating that kids do best when they have some predictability and routine in their lives. This begins with you. It doesn’t mean that you have to be living through “Ground Hogs Day,” but in general, kids should know what your reaction to their behavior will be. Your behavior needs to be predictable.
By having a predictable personality and responding to your child in a predictable way, you are helping to create a safe space for them. They will gain independence through this; because they know that you can be relied on for consistency, they can handle other parts of their life being new, spontaneous, and different.
HOW to start Parenting your own way?
We can all agree that having some sort of plan sounds good- but how do you go about choosing and enacting one? There are a few steps, but it all starts with knowing yourself, and who you are as a parent. If you are parenting with anyone else (like a spouse or partner), it would be ideal to involve them in these steps, too.
1. Identify your parenting values
A good way to go about this is to make a list of all the things that are important to you as a parent. Another way to this about this is to ask yourself, who do you hope your child becomes as they grow up? Be honest with yourself- there are no right or wrong answers. Once you’ve taken some time- this could take a few days as you mull it around and come back to it now and then- try and prioritize your values so you can identify your top 5 or so.
2. Choose your top priority value, and a coordinating behavior to address first
It’s best to choose just one are to tighten-up at a time so you don’t stretch yourself too thin. For example, a common highly rated value is respectfulness. A behavior that you may want to address, based on that value, could be talking-back, eye-rolling, not listening, or general attitude. If you’re feeling like there are too many things to work on, make a list, but don’t be tempted to work on more than one behavior at a time.
3. Develop a plan to address this behavior
Discuss with your partner, or a trusted friend, what the new behavior should be. Also, plan what the reward and consequence will be. Make sure the reward and consequence are things that you can actually implement and are willing to be consistent with. (Remember, consistency doesn’t mean perfection- you just need to aim for 80% + of the time.) Then, once the adults are on the same page, announce the changes to your child. A family meeting can be a nice time to introduce this, but remember to keep the announcement brief. This is not a 2-way conversation, or a long-winded lecture.
4. Address this one behavior for 1-2 months
It actually takes 60 days to establish a habit- IF it’s being done consistently. So, that means it if took a few days or a week for your child to change their behavior, you need to ‘start the clock’ from that point if you want this new behavior to become habit.
While you’re introducing this new change, try to strike a balance with enforcing your other rules; don’t throw them out the door, but try to not become overly strict with the established rules, either. Your other rules should be a habit at this point, and not something that your kids spend a lot of time or energy trying to keep up with. If you’re having trouble seeing progress, think about keeping a weekly journal where you can track some of your insights and observations.
5. Rinse and Repeat
Once this new behavior is ingrained, repeat steps 2-4.
Self-Care Is Critical
Lastly, please make sure to take care of yourself. You’ve heard this before, but there’s a reason it’s discussed with regularity. Implementing a parenting plan will work best if you are at the top of your game. Make it a priority to get what you need to be at your best; it may go beyond making sure you have a healthy lifestyle. Some examples are: be connected with your spiritual life, have a social outlet, workout, use your brain, have the chance to express yourself artistically. Taking some time for yourself is not selfish- it’s necessary and beneficial for your family.
You Get What You Give
Parenting with a plan will require some work upfront, but it will pay off quickly. You may even be able to avoid some of the distractions on the journey by being focused on your destination! You’ll feel confident in the direction you’re heading.
So, what can you gain from some extra focus? Where does your plan begin? Share in the comment section below!
It’s no secret that kids are not on their best behavior in December. Despite (or because of) the lure of presents and treats, most kids are bouncing off the walls, becoming whinier than usual, and just generally driving their parents up a wall.
Sure, you’ve tried the, “Santa’s watching, so you better be good” standby. But it’s not great; it just doesn’t feel right. That’s because A) it’s actually kinda creepy when you stop to think about it, B) it does nothing to change kid’s behavior, C) it keeps the focus of Christmas on Santa/receiving gifts, and D) it doesn’t change your behavior.
A Better Way to Better Behavior
So this year, may I suggest a happier, more joyful, gentler way of getting your kids to behave? It’ll help you nag less, and change the way you interact with your kiddos, too. AND (huge bonus) it helps re-focus Christmas back on Jesus!
All you have to do is create a small manger, and fill it with straw for Jesus in time for Christmas! (It’s ok- I’m not crafty either, it can be as simple as a shoebox and yarn.) You could call it “Fill the Manger” or “Straw for Jesus.” If you come up with a clever name, let me know! (Credit to Kendra Tierney for introducing me to this twist on a token reward system.)
HOW to Start
First, the materials. You’ll need some yellow yarn, and a shoe box. That’s really it, but you can get fancier if you want from there.
Introduce it to kids by telling them their goal is to fill the manger with straw for Jesus by Christmas Eve so he has somewhere soft to lay down.
They can get this straw by doing good, kind, helpful, or generous things.
Remember to dole out the yarn/straw.
It’s super simple, but I love this system for so many reasons. And not just because token systems are a very effective tool for behavior management. And once you start seeing all the benefits, I know you’ll love it, too!
Why “Fill the Manger” Is Such A Great System
Better sibling relationships. If you have more than one kid, you’re creating a team that is working toward a shared goal. What a great way to build sibling relationships!
You make it work for you. I like leaving the rules of how you get yarn super vague by only saying, “Do good things.” That way you have as much discretion and wiggle room as you want! You can even give lengths of yarn that are bigger, based on what your kid actually did. I’ve given yarn/straw for things as simple as listening the first time, and doing chores without being asked. I’ve also had the chance to reward kids for going WAY above and beyond (and you should’ve seen his eyes when I produce a 3′ piece of yarn!)
Finding the good. One of the nicest things about this system is that it will change the way you relate to your kids. Yes, you will still have to redirect them, etc. But you’ll find yourself looking for the good in your son or daughter. Even them just doing what’s expected of them, without drama, is considered rewardable behavior!
Reward them as much as you want! Since you’re just giving out lengths of yarn, you can be as generous as you want. No worries about cost, or spoiling your kids, or their teeth rotting because of allllll the Christmas cookies!
There’s nothing to worry about. There’s no stuffed elf to move every night, or worrying that your kids will figure out how Santa really delivers all those toys. I’m not trying to be a Scrooge- that special Christmas ‘magic’ is what makes this time so wonderful in many of our memories! But it’s nice to have a few traditions that aren’t shrouded in mystery!
Enjoy Your Kids Again
Once you start this new tradition, you will absolutely notice better behavior in your kids. (Not to mention, your voice will be less hoarse since you’re not hollering at them about Santa, or that elf, watching them all the time!) Christmas-time will never be the same, again!
If you would like more fun ideas, that you can actually use in your real life , sign-up for the newsletter below! Hope to talk to you soon!
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
Solving Your Kid’s Sleep Problems
MY KID HATES TO GO TO SLEEP
Why don’t kids like to go to sleep? It’s a nearly universal truth that kids will try to avoid bedtime and naptime like a cat avoiding water. (I’m literally writing this as my 1 year old is yelling his protest about being put down for naptime!)
But even teenagers resist the chance to get more sleep by going to bed early. Although that phenomenon is largely explained by a developmental shift in their circadian rhythm, it still doesn’t compute with us as adults! Ugh! If only they knew what we knew…they’d sleep as much as they could!
But since that isn’t the reality that we’re facing, it’s probably best to look at the challenges head-on so we can find some solutions.
Types of Sleep Problems
There are a couple different sleep problems your kid could be facing. So to find an appropriate solution, you need to correctly identify the problem.
This is not an exhaustive list, just some common problems. Sleep problems can also be an indicator of a medical issue, so if it persists, please consult a doctor.
1. Fear of Sleep
For some kids, falling asleep can be frightening. It’s a dark unknown, and who knows if you’ll even wake back up! These kids might be suffering from nightmares and/or night-terrors, which could be causing the fear, and feeding into a vicious cycle. It would also be common for kids to struggle with fear of sleep if they recently suffered a loss.
2. Anxiety
Anxiety might take the form of making your kid’s mind race to the point where they have trouble falling asleep. If you knew you were doomed to lay in bed for 90 minutes every night before you could sleep, thinking about the things that went wrong or things left undone, you wouldn’t want to go to bed either!
3. They’re Not Tired
Your kid may physically not be ready for bed. They may have napped late in the day, or maybe they just weren’t physically active enough. Additionally, teenagers start to develop later circadian rhythms, which means even if you sent them to bed at 9pm and they complied, they may not be able to fall asleep until 11. Blame nature for that one.
4. They Don’t Want to Stop
Whatever they’re doing right before bed is so engaging that they don’t want to quit. Or maybe your kid believes that the night is a magical time when the rest of the world is having fun without them. (Proving you’re never too young for FOMO.) Whether that’s the middle of a video game (more on screen time later!) or a chapter of a particularly good book, they just can’t put it down. And even if they do physically put it down, it’ll be racing through their minds for a while.
These can all be found in the Freebie Library!
SOLVING THE SLEEP PROBLEMS
I always recommend starting with the basics. Everyone needs a bedtime routine, including a consistent bed time. And all screens should be off at least a half hour before bed, although an hour before would be best.
Additional Sleep Interventions
If the basic bedtime routine isn’t working. It’s time to try some new solutions, and soon. Because we can all agree- sleep is precious.
1. Remove the Screens
Make sure all screens are removed from the bedroom. You could try being the ‘nice guy’ by telling your kid it’s because you’re being helpful and want to make sure devices are charged for tomorrow. Or, use a family docking station, and get your kid into the habit of placing it there before bed themselves.
2. Check with The Pediatrician
If your child is on any medication, it could be worth checking if this is a side-effect, and if a change might be warranted. At minimum, you would want to bring this up at their next well-check.
3. Checking Into Supplements
Since you’re already talking to the pediatrician, you could discuss if melatonin, magnesium, or other supplements are a path you may want to pursue.
4. Make Sure They’re Active
It’s a well-know fact that kids aren’t as active as they once were. So make sure they’re getting plenty of physical activity. Maybe plan a family hike once a week, or encourage your kid to play outside or ride their bike when they tell you, “I’m bored.” Making sure kids get outside all year is important, too. One of my favorite sayings is, “There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.” Meaning, (generally) dress for the weather and you’ll be fine!
If your child is competitive, you could try using a fitness tracker watch, like the Fitbit for Kids or an off-brand version. You can have them challenge themselves, or a family member!
5. Watch out for caffeine
Caffeine seems like it’s sneaking into everywhere now! Obviously, make sure your kid isn’t drinking coffee at 6pm, but look for the more covert places it could be, like soft drinks, chocolate, chocolate or coffee flavored foods, and medications like Midol and Excedrin (PMS and migraine relief, respectively).
6. Cue the Transition with Music
When it’s time for ‘wind-down time’ (my favorite term I learned from our favorite daycare provider!) help create the mood by playing relaxing music. You simply set a timer on your phone or tell Alexa to play soothing music at a certain time.
The genius of this is that over time, you can actually condition your kids to this music! After using this routine for a while, your kids may hear this music and actually start to feel sleepy! I love how our brains work!
7. Weighted Blankets
Weighted blankets can be useful for people with anxiety, Autism, ADHD, sensory-processing disorder, and general sleep problems. They’re wonderfully comforting, and can help your kid feel secure in their bed for a full night’s sleep.
8. Darken the Room
Create the best sleep environment you can by making sure the room is cool (not cold), free of distraction, and dark. Blackout curtains can be your best friend if you’re battling with extra light coming in through the windows.
9. Use White Noise
White noise machines have been used for everything from helping kids sleep longer, to eliminating night-terrors. Personally, when my kids are struggling with sleep problems, my attitude is “I’ll try (almost) anything once.” We did have phenomenal success with using white noise to help my two older kids sleep better.
10. Guided Relaxation
Guided relaxation is a wonderful method for relaxing your body and your mind. And it can be used for kids and adults. You can choose to use one of a number of different apps or audio tracks, or you can read below and try your hand at the self-guided version. (Make sure to grab the PDF so you can reference it later, too.) For the first few times, your kid may prefer to have you guide them through it rather than an app with a voice they don’t know.
Guided relaxation is a great solution for kids who have a hard time physically or mentally calming down enough to go to sleep.
How to Combat Sleep Problems with Guided Relaxation
The point of Guided Relaxation is to focus on your body’s sensations, instead of what is going on in your mind. It involves controlled breathing, and small, controlled muscle movements.
Start by getting into a comfortable position, and take 3 to 5 deep belly breaths. Try to quiet you mind, and just focus on how your belly feels going up and down with the breaths. Then, starting with the toes, you’ll clench different muscle groups tightly for a few breaths, and then relax. Start with the toes, and go up through the leg muscles, then from your fingers to your shoulders. Then from your stomach, to your chest, to your back and up through the neck. Make sure to include the face muscles like the jaws and forehead.
This exercise can last for just a few minutes, or you can choose to draw it out for as long as you may need.
Optionally, you can even incorporate gratitude into Guided Relaxation. (I.e.: “As you tighten your toes, think of everything they did for you today, and thank them for their hard work.) Gratitude is a wonderful antidote to anxiety, sadness and depression, and a million other things.
Check for these in the Freebie Library
Is this normal? Or something bigger?
Sleep problems can be a common reaction to normal, yet stressful, life events. Stressful events like exams, relationship/friend problems, moving, death of a relative, or an unstable living situation can all be temporary causes of poor sleep.
Sleep problems can also be related to several mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar disorder.
Once you’ve crossed the threshold of about 2-4 weeks, it’s worth calling a doctor. Make sure to document what’s going on at night so you can give the pediatrician the full scoop. Because if your kid isn’t sleeping- you’re not sleeping. And we all know the havoc that wreaks on our brains.
So, here’s to a good night’s sleep for both of you!
If you have a single sarcastic bone in your body, you can use this tool to prevent power struggles. It’s also a fun way to help your preschooler or toddler listen, and change their behavior. And it’s easy, and doesn’t take much effort at all!
I’m talking about reverse psychology. This little beauty is nearly magical- and you don’t even need to know Freudian Psychology to use it!
Let’s say that you have a toddler who is a dawdler (aren’t they all?!) but you really need them to put their shoes on by themselves, quickly, while you multitask and get everything else ready.
Turn Power Struggles into Giggles
Youcouldchoose to of have a power struggle with someone less than half your size. OR you could have a happy, giggly, cooperating kid. (I know which, I’d choose, but hey, if you’re into masochism, you do you.)
So, instead of telling your kiddo, “Put your shoes on! And Mommy needs you to be quick today!” you’re going to actually tell them “Don’t put your shoes on.”
Turn Power Struggles into Giggles
You could choose to of have a power struggle with someone less than half your size. OR you could have a happy, giggly, cooperating kid. (I know which, I’d choose, but hey, if you’re into masochism, you do you.)
Instead of telling your kiddo, “Put your shoes on! And Mommy needs you to be quick today!” you’re going to actually tell them “Don’t put your shoes on.”
I know. Stay with me.
The Power of Marketing
Now, the trick to this is the same trick for anything toddler related. It’s ALL about the marketing. If you really want them to change their behavior, you’ve got to sell this.
Start by putting their shoes right in front of them. It’ll make it even more tempting, and less likely that they get distracted by something else. Then lay it on thick. “Sweetie, I’ll be right back to put your shoes on. I knooooow you don’t like to do it, so I don’t want you, under any circumstance, to put your shoes on. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even touch those shoes!”
Be Over the Top
If they’re not giggling before you leave the room, you need to lay it on thicker. “Oh! I see you’re being suuuuch a good listener!! You are soooo good to not put those shoes on! I don’t even know what I’d do if I came back and you had them on!”
If you’re one of those awesome people who can make their eyes twinkle, you should do that while you’re saying this. We need to make sure they understand to listen to our non-verbal cues, and not the words we’re saying.
Mixed Messages?
Obviously, we’re sending two different messages, but that’s the great part! Don’t worry too much about it. Kids are incredibly intuitive, and they are excellent at interpreting their parents.
We’ve turned this normal, every day task into a game. So you’re building relationship with your kid, and spending quality time with them, and getting them to put their darn shoes on! It’s a win-win-win.
We’re able to stop power struggles with this because we’ve created a Catch-22 where you have all the power! You’ve told them to put on their shoes, and to NOT put on their shoes.
So, regardless of the outcome, your kid ACTUALLY LISTENED TO YOU! No more power struggle. You are firmly back in charge.
Say that Jane didn’t put her shoes on. Well then, you actually have nothing to be angry about, because she listened to you. Plus, with all the joking and giggles and smiles, it’ll be hard to be angry.
And if she did put her shoes on, then she’s done what you wanted. We’re happy and can continue peacefully with the day!
Precautions
For older kids, it doesn’t work as well to be so over the top. So this is definitely a tool to use with the littler ones.
Also, you don’t want to use this as your only behavior modification tool. But it is great for a ‘quick fix’ or for small problem times, like getting out the door.
If you want to learn about other ways to help manage your kid’s behavior, and avoid power struggles, make sure to sign-up below for the weekly newsletter!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
