Dealing With People Who Don’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real
The Excruciating Pain of someone Else’s Denial
“Autism isn’t real; it’s just a made-up diagnosis by the anti-vaxxers.”
“Kids don’t get depression; your kid is just being a brat.”
“Why don’t you actually discipline your kid? Then they wouldn’t be so hyper.”
“Sensory Processing Disorder is just an excuse for your bad parenting.”
I feel physically sick just reading that; do you? Has one of those lines, or something like it every been thrown carelessly at you? One of the most emotionally painful things someone can do to us is to discredit our journey. Having someone sweep your child’s condition under the rug, or even worse, lay the blame at your feet is hurtful.
And if the person discrediting your kid’s condition is someone you love? It’s downright excruciating.
Why Don’t People Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?!
Unfortunately, not everyone will agree that your child’s condition is a ‘real thing.’ There is still such stigma that there are some people who believe mental health problems are just someone being weak or undisciplined. Same with autism, sensory processing disorder, and more!
Maybe they don’t believe the research, or have seen the research and think it’s funded by biased parties. It’s possible that this person thinks ADHD, for example, can be a real condition, but your kid doesn’t have it.
When someone doesn’t believe our kid’s diagnosis is real, it’s painful. Because it means they don’t support us. And when you’re raising a challenging kid, you need all the support you can get!
To add to that, when our kids’ behaviors aren’t being explained by a diagnosis, it means that the person is viewing their problem behaviors through the lens of discipline, or parenting, or brattiness. And that usually means that it’s the parent’s ‘fault.’ Ouch.
If you’ve had someone say these things to you, it can leave you shaking with a mother’s fury for a week. Or it can cause knee-jerk reactions where you say one of those things you immediately wish you could stuff back into your mouth.
So How Do You Deal With It?
First, you need to establish, “Is it worth it to engage with this person?” Ask yourself, does it affect my child that this person doesn’t buy-in to their diagnosis. If it’s your co-worker, probably not. If it’s their dad, definitely.
If you’re not sure, let me ask this another way. Is this about you? Or is it about your kid? Are you personally hurt by this person’s views, or is it preventing your kid from getting the treatment they need? Why does this person’s buy-in matter?
I’m not saying that in a ‘no one else’s opinion should matter’ sort of way. I’m asking you a real question. There are plenty of reasons that this person’s opinion DOES matter.
How To Figure Out If Their Opinion Matters
For example, if your sister-in-law thinks ADHD is fake, then she is going to have a lot less tolerance for your son’s behavior- and your parenting. She may even try and take it upon herself to discipline your son in a way that’s counter-productive to what you’re trying to do. And (not so) eventually, you’re probably not going to feel very welcome in her house. Family gatherings just got a lot more awkward. In this case, it might be a good idea to engage at least enough to keep the peace.
Continuing with that example, there are also plenty of reasons your sister-in-law’s opinion DOESN’T matter. As long as she behaves civilly and kindly towards you, your kid, and family, then it may not be worth it to engage. Unless you have one of those best-friend/sister-in-law combo packs, it doesn’t matter if she disagrees with the course of treatment, or the IEP goals, or what steps you’re taking to manage behavior in your house. You and your partner get to make those decisions. No one else. You two are the ones who have to sleep at night with the decisions you’ve made.
Advocacy
Now, lest (that word doesn’t get used often enough!) you think I live in a world that’s black and white, there can be valid reasons to engage with someone whose opinion doesn’t matter. The main reason would be for advocacy’s sake. If advocacy is an important value to you, you’re probably sitting there reading this thinking, “But I want to give them the information and open their mind so this isn’t so hurtful to the next person!” If so, YOU are an advocate.
If you’re an advocate, I still want you to be cautious of a few things, in the interest of self-preservation. Where are you on this journey? Are you to a place where you can handle rejection, even after presenting well-planned information, and not take it personally? Consider what level you can engage in with this person that doesn’t burn you out? Your most important job is to leave enough in your reserves that you’re still able to go back and care for your kid in the best way you are able.
At this point, you should have been able to make a decision about whether it’s worth it to engage this person, or not.
Choosing Your Approach to Informing Why This Diagnosis Is Real
So you’ve decided that it’s worth it to engage with this person. Just for the sake of using an example, let’s say this person is your mother-in-law who also watches your kids after school once a week.
Now you have to choose your approach.
1. Agree to disagree
You can agree to disagree about the technicalities of the diagnosis or condition. But you cannot deny the symptoms. Find some common ground. Point out the symptoms that concern you; your mother-in-law is probably seeing the same things. If your son has depression, he may have stopped coming home from school and shooting hoops for a half hour before he comes in for a snack. He may be going straight to his room and sleeping. And, he may be extra difficult to engage.
It’s possible that your mother-in-law saw all those symptoms, but attributed them to other things. “Oh, he’s just going through a growth spurt,” or “The weather’s been bad so he can’t play outside.” But you could still present to her the way you would like to address those symptoms. Maybe you’re taking walks after school, without talking so there’s no pressure, just to make sure that your son is getting some physical movement (which can be very helpful for people with depression). Hopefully, your mother-in-law would be able to get on board with taking walks. Sure, you may have different reasons, but your responses are the same.
2. Present the facts
NOTE– I did NOT say convince them. Changing their mind is their own journey, and is out of your control. You can only present the facts in an unbiased way. This is CRUCIAL to remember!
If you choose to engage your mother-in-law, for example, you can opt to present just the facts to her. See if you can figure out from your previous conversations where her knowledge gap is missing, or what types of facts will have the most effect on her.
• Lean on the Doctors
If you know your mother-in-law respects medical professionals, this would also be an optimal way to start. For instance, if she’s never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder, you could give her a summation of the condition by starting with, “My doctor explained it to me like this.”
• Work with The Obvious Symptoms
But maybe she’s skeptical of doctors. If that’s the case, you might want to focus on the obvious cluster of symptoms your kid displays. You could say something like, “Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder often are super sensitive to how clothing feels, louder noises, how food feels in their mouth, and sensations like swinging and spinning. There is just a disconnect between their brain being able to process what their body is feeling, and so everything ends up feeling and seeming exaggerated.” Give her the symptoms that she can’t help but think, “Oh yeeaah, Ethan totally did that last week!” The goal is to connect the dots for her in a way she just can’t miss.
• Start with the end in mind
To borrow a phrase from Stephen Covey, you could start with the end in mind. Work with your mother-in-law and explain that you’re seeking this diagnosis, or these interventions, because you want the best for your kid in adulthood. You recognize the power in early intervention! As they say, “early diagnosis leads to timely intervention and timely intervention leads to better outcomes.”
On average, it takes 8-10 years from the time symptoms first appear to the time kid’s get mental health treatment. There are a million reasons for this, but mainly, this happens because a) finding appropriate treatment can be hard; b) actually taking your kid for treatment requires lots of coordination with schedules, etc.; and c) parents don’t have the support they need to be able to pull it off. Help your mother-in-law see that she could help your kid beat the statistics, and set them up for future success, by being supportive.
• Provide The Facts About Why The Diagnosis Is Real In Writing
The last option to explore would be printing off information from a trusted source (to your mother-in-law). I know a lot of people are tempted to just slip it in a purse, or ‘sneakily’ leave it laying out somewhere she’ll definitely see it. But I don’t like those methods for a few reasons.
First, because there’s nothing sneaky about it! She is abundantly aware this is you. Who else is going to leave reading material about Sensory Processing Disorder or ADHD or Autism just laying around?!
Second, because it comes off as passive-aggressive. Which could have the opposite affect on her that you’re trying for. So, when she sees the paper, instead of being receptive to the information, she’ll be put off by your behavior and potentially become more blocked to even reading it.
The more helpful approach to printing off the facts is to just be up-front about it. Maybe next time she’s at your house, and she’s on her way out the door, you can just casually say, “Oh, I almost forgot. I found some new information about Sensory Processing Disorder. I would mean a lot to me, and Ethan, if you could read this when you get a chance.” Be careful NOT to phrase this as a question. Like, “Would you mind reading it?” That way she’s less likely to shoot you down right then and there.
3. Address the fears
If it’s someone who loves your child who is dismissing their condition, they may be resisting the condition or diagnosis out of denial.
The good news is that this denial could be based in love and fear. It’s because they have an inkling (or maybe even full knowledge!) of what it would mean for their child to have this disease. And because they love your kid, they want to do everything they can to protect them. Including, making sure they don’t carry around that sort of life-long diagnosis.
Hey, no one ever said love was logical.
This would be a great opportunity to step in to their shoes. Treat them with love, and share your own story of how hard it is for you. And help this other person see that you are accepting the diagnosis because you love your child, and want them to be able to get help.
• What If Dad Doesn’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?
Let’s switch trains of thought, and say the person you’re working to persuade is your kid’s dad. Just like you, Dad has to work through that grieving process.
So, ask what his fears are. If possible, find examples of adults who have lived with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Depression, and so on, and show him how successful these people can be in different areas of life. Or maybe there’s a support group in your area he would want to join? You know this is a painful process; you’ve been here. So meet him where he’s at.
4. Cultural Barriers
It could be that there are cultural barriers. Cultural barriers are often related to myths and stigmas of the diagnosis, which are usually based in fear. I find that the best way to combat fear is with knowledge, presented in a loving way. Showing people all the ways they’ve been wrong their whole life isn’t a winning strategy. So no matter how much it pains you, go slow if you’re working with someone in this category.
Convincing People The Diagnosis is Real
No one has ever had their mind changed by someone screaming at them. By creating a plan, you won’t have to respond reactively anymore! And, you’ll know that you have done what you can, for the greatest benefit of your kid.
Either you have chosen not to engage, and saved your energy and resources for yourself, your family and your kid. Or you have chosen to try and present the facts. You could appeal to them logically, using authorities like doctors to support you. If you’re not a fan of conflict, sharing the facts in writing for that person to read at a later time might be the best option for you.
Meeting someone where they’re at, in all their pain, is incredibly challenging. But maybe that’s what’s being asked of you. You may have to really put in some wok for both you, and your kid, to get the support you need.
Whatever the outcome, by creating a plan you will know you have done the best you can. Your job is over, and now it’s on that person to expand their mind.
Have you personally dealt with people who don’t believe your kid’s diagnosis is real? How did you respond? Share your story in the comments below!
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