School Archives - Choosing Your Battles

A notebook to jot down your questions for the teachers, and their comments

I know I’m not the only one bracing myself for the worst when it comes to parent-teacher conferences.

I love my kids, but there’s a certain amount of breath-holding and worrying about what the teacher is going to say about any one of my sons.

“Mrs. Cooper, he’s that kid.”

“He’s never quiet in class, and he’s a complete disruption.”

“He can’t keep up.”

It’s easy for us to worry that we’re going to be embarrassed or feel like a failure or maybe even cry in front of this teacher! After all, we generally see the worst of their behavior, while they save their best self for the rest of the world.

What’s a parent to do?

We can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. One of the things I like to do is think about the strengths of each of my kids, because it can be a big classroom and those unique, wonderful things can go unnoticed.

Step 1 for successful parent-teacher conferences

So, step one is starting with a new perspective.

Instead of assuming the worst, I’m going in thinking about the best parts of my kids. Whatever the teacher may bring up, I will remember the strengths of my kid. If she says he’s falling behind in reading, I will remember what a tender heart he has. No, this doesn’t fix the reading problem, but it does help me to not feel so gutted when I hear the bad news.

Step 2 for successful parent-teacher conferences

The second thing I do is remember that this is a two-way conversation.

I can ask the teacher questions as well. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to come off as combative. I’m very appreciative of the incredibly difficult job that these teachers have, but I take my role as my child’s advocate seriously.

So, if I have concerns, or just questions, II try to write those down in a cheap notebook. And I’ll have each kid or each teacher on a different page with a questions I specifically want to ask. These are questions like:

Have you seen *this behavior* show up in class?
How is he reading (or fill in your concern here) compared to the beginning of the school year?
What are some additional ways I can support him at home?
Have you noticed him getting along, or not, with the other students?

Those questions are more for elementary school age, but they should help get you started.

These are usually questions I will run past or brainstorm with my husband. And I might get one more friend or sister’s opinion on it as well.

Step 3 for successful parent-teacher conferences

Don’t forget to set aside time to speak with the specials teachers, and/or the person working on interventions with your kiddo. If your child has a passion for music, chances are the music teacher may have a different view of them than their general teacher. It can be refreshing, and exciting, to learn about your kid’s growing abilities in art, music or gym! Even if you don’t think they have a particular talent in any of the specials, these teachers deliver their curriculum in a different way, which might result in a different kind of student-teacher relationship- so it’s worth hearing their perspective.

Bonus step for success!

Lastly, if I’m concerned about a specific problem behavior, I try to be proactive. For example, if they’re coming home, telling me that they’re not finishing their classwork on time, I would probably reach out to the teacher at that time, rather than wait until conferences.

(Unless it’s a particularly egregious thing, my general rule of thumb is to let it go if it happens once, and watch and see. Twice is a pattern, and at that point I’ll get involved. It helps to keep me from jumping in on every. little. thing. And, it gives my kids a bit of self-efficacy.)

I have found that by being proactive and working with the teachers there are fewer surprises at the parent-teacher conference. And when I walk in, they don’t view me as that kid’s mom. They view me as an important part of my son’s team. It doesn’t change the potential issues, but it does change the perspective.

Do you have any dread leading up to parent-teacher conferences? I’d love to hear your experiences!

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School just started back up, and you’re realizing this year that homework is now a nightmare for your kid. There are nightly tears about homework, and you’re starting to just feel drained from it all.

Or maybe your kid wouldn’t mind doing math sheets all night, if that just meant they didn’t have to do their nightly reading.

It’s obvious that for whatever reason, your kid needs help learning. You think it might be a learning disability, or would at least like to rule that out. You may even have narrowed it down, and are able to voice a specific concern like, “I think my kid might be dyslexic.”

Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out how to help your struggling student.

So how do you get help if your child has a learning disability?

Where do you go from here? You’ve read all about the signs and symptoms of learning disorders like dyscalculia, and dysgraphia.

But how do you get from reading all this information, to actually putting school interventions in place?

Here are a few steps you can take to go from having this be a suspicion of yours, to getting your child some real help in school.

1. Gather Your Evidence/Concerns

The first step to figuring out if your child has a learning disability is to put it in writing. Are you concerned about a learning problem, or a behavior problem? Both? Is one of the primary?

(It’s very common for one to mask the other. For example, if I child has dyslexia and is struggling to read, they may act out in class- either out of frustration, shame, or as a distraction.)

[bctt tweet=”It’s common for behavior problems in school to mask learning disabilities.” prompt=”tell a friend”]

What exactly are you seeing that concerns you? Be specific. For example, don’t be vague like, “Eva spent way too long on her homework every single night this week.”

Keeping notes like, “Eva cried for 20 minutes before starting her homework, saying things like, “I’m too dumb for this,” and then it took her 45 minutes to finish 10 math problems. She got 2 correct.”

2. Talk To The Teacher

Let me be clear- you are speaking with the teacher to gather his or her observations- NOT to get their blessing about whether or not you’ll continue pursuing this. It’s especially important to remember this if you have a teacher who’s dismissive of the idea that your child needs additional support.

But generally, the teachers are a wealth of information. They’ll tell you what reading or math group your kid is in, and how much extra help they’ve been needing.

They might even surprise you and say, “Oh yeah, I was planning to bring that up at our next parent-teacher conference.”

You’ll also want to ask if they’re using any interventions already.

3. Schedule an evaluation with the school psych.

Using the information you’ve gathered, you need to call the school and schedule an eval. It’s a critical step in getting an answer to the question of, “Does my kid have a learning disability?”

Just say something like, “I believe that my kid is having a problem with math, and would like her to be evaluated for a learning problem” and they’ll be able to take if from there.

YOU don’t have to have to pre-diagnose your child, you just need to clearly state the concern.

4. Wait for the eval/results.

This may be the hardest part. Try to just breathe, and remember that your kid is still the same person that you love and think is amazing, whether or not they have a diagnosis of dyscalculia or not.

Once the results come back, decide if they make sense to you. Did they test the area you were concerned about? Did they treat your family with fairness and respect?

In short, do you think the school psychologist got a clear and unbiased look at your child’s abilities?

From here, you have two choices: One, accept the result and work towards a plan. Two, seek a second opinion.

Also, even if the school said your kid doesn’t have a learning disability, that doesn’t mean you can’t create a plan to help your kid! You can develop one on your own; there are plenty of ways to address learning problems at home.

5. (Optional) Seek a second opinion.

If you don’t think the evaluation accurately represented your kid’s abilities, you can seek a second opinion.

Be warned, in the US, this is likely to get expensive because now you’re going to be looking for a private psychologist or group to do the testing. Which means you’re more than likely going to have to pay out of pocket.

It’s obviously up to you, but keep in mind that this should only be a one-time cost that you have to deal with, if that helps make this an easier pill to swallow..

6. Create a plan.

If your child received a diagnosis of learning disability, ask the professional for a plan to address this before you walk out of the room/get off the phone. At the very least, schedule a meeting to follow-up on this.

Additional tutoring, a 504 plan, an IEP, or behavioral counseling are all options for your kid that you may want to explore.

If this is your first venture into the world of IEP, my friend Laurie has written a wonderful explanation of The IEP Process for Parents. Even if you’ve dealt with IEPs or 504s before, it’s worth a refresher!

Keeping the Team Accountable

I always like to keep a ‘paper’ trail, so even if you talk on the phone or in person, you can send a quick email as a follow-up. “Just to summarize, we talked about Johnny’s school performance, and potential learning disabilities, and your thoughts were… and my thoughts were…” That type of thing.

If you’re like me, and your brain is colander on the best of days, this is also a nice way to make sure you have everything in one place when it’s time to re-evaluate.

Make sure to re-evaluate the diagnosis and results from time to time. Every quarter, report card, or just at the end of the school year are all times that make sense to do this. IEP meetings are only required to be held annually, but as the parent it’s your right to request more, if needed.

So, what do you do if you think your child has a learning disability?

It’s straight-forward- don’t ignore your gut feeling! You know your child better than anyone else. You’ve got the tools you need, now it’s time to be strong and advocate for them!

Let me know if you’re running into any roadblocks- I’m always happy to brainstorm solutions with people!

Tag: School

Preparing for Parent-Teacher Conferences