Disclaimer- although I am an Independent Marriage and Family Therapist, please understand I am not your child’s therapist, and none of what I say below should be construed as a diagnosis. If you have concerns about your child after reading this, I encourage you to contact your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or local therapist as a first step to getting help.
Are you concerned that your child may be depressed? As a parent, you want nothing more than for your child to be happy and healthy. But sometimes it can be hard to tell if there is something deeper going on, or if they’re just having a bad day. Use this handy guide of the top 10 signs that your child might need extra help coping with depression, and where to go from here.
10 Signs Your Kid Might Be Depressed
1. They lost interest in activities they used to enjoy
One of the first and most noticeable signs that your child may be depressed is a change in their interests. If your child suddenly loses interest in activities they used to love, such as playing sports or hanging out with friends, it could be a sign that something is wrong. Additionally, if your child begins to withdraw from social activities and starts spending more time alone, this may also be a sign of depression.
2. Your child is having difficulty concentrating or completing tasks
Another sign that your child may be depressed is difficulty concentrating or completing tasks. If your child is struggling to focus at school or is beginning to get poor grades, it may be due to an underlying depressive disorder. Additionally, if your child seems forgetful or disorganized, this may also be a sign of depression.
I know these also overlap with some symptoms of ADHD and even Anxiety. They’re kind of like a fever- it’s an important symptoms that tells you something is wrong, but you can’t diagnose based on that alone.
3. Your child is experiencing changes in their eating habits
Changes in eating habits are another common sign of depression in children. If your child has lost their appetite or is skipping meals, this may be a cause for concern. Additionally, if your child is comfort-eating or overeating, this may also be a sign that they are depressed.
4. Their sleeping habits have changed
Changes in sleeping habits are another common sign of depression. If your child is having difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, this may be due to an underlying depressive disorder. Or, if your child is sleeping more than usual or experiences fatigue during the day, this may also be a sign of depression. Whether it’s sleeping more, less, or having interrupted sleep- all of those changes could indicate a bigger problem.
5. They’re feeling hopeless or helpless
If your child feels like there is no hope for the future or that they are powerless to change their situation, this may be a sign of depression. Children who are depressed often feel like things will never get better and that there is nothing they can do to change their circumstances.
6. Your child experiences low self-esteem or has a negative self-image
Children who are suffering from depression often have low self-esteem and a negative self-image. If your child seems down on themselves or talks negatively about themselves, this may be a sign that they are depressed. Additionally, if your child withdraws from social activities or avoids eye contact, this may also indicate low self-esteem caused by depression.
7. Fatigue or low energy
Fatigue and low energy are common symptoms of depression, so if your child seems unusually tired or sluggish, it may be a cause for concern. Depression can make it difficult for people to find the motivation to do anything, so if your child seems like they’re struggling just to get through the day, it’s worth talking to them about how they’re feeling.
8. Thoughts of death or suicide
One of the most serious signs that your child may be depressed is if they express thoughts of death or suicide. This can manifest itself in a number of ways, such as talking about wanting to die, making statements about being better off dead, expressing a desire to hurt themselves, or making plans for suicide. Giving away items they cherish, and/or a sudden positive mood change can also be clues. If your child expresses any of these thoughts, it is imperative that you seek professional help immediately (In the US, 9-8-8 is a National Suicide Prevention Hotline)
9. Withdrawing from friends and family
Withdrawing from friends and family is another common symptom of depression. If your child seems isolated and doesn’t want to spend time with others, it may be a sign that they are struggling emotionally.
10. Lack of motivation
Lack of motivation is another symptom of depression. If your child seems uninterested in activities that they used to enjoy, it may be a sign that they are depressed. Depression can make it hard to find pleasure in anything.
What To Do If You See Signs of Depression?
If it’s been just one day, or a couple bad days, take a breath. Also make sure totake into account if there’s some other natural grief your child is experiencing (Death of a grandparent? Moving? Loss of a pet?)
Beyond that, make sure that your kid knows you’re always there for them. Some distractions- that don’t take much energy, like a funny movie- are usually a welcome reprieve. You cannot tell a person who is depressed to “feel better,” or “cheer up,” any more than you can tell someone with asthma to “breathe better.” But you CAN continue to show your unconditional love for them.
Nearly a million kids in the US, under the age of 10, suffer from childhood depression. That’s 2-3% of of that age group. And nearly 13% of adolescents (ages 12-17) struggle with depression. That’s over 3 million teens in the US alone. And half of all lifetime mental illness are present before age 14.
And while those numbers may be jarring to see, honestly, they kind of don’t matter right now. Because there’s really only 1 kid you’re worrying about. Yours.
So let’s take a breather for a second. (Seriously. Pause and take a deep breath.) This is going to be OK. Here’s the bottom line- I will get you the information you need, so you can get your kid the help they need.
So, you can stop searching through all the dizzying lists that leave you with more questions than answers. You don’t have to read lists of symptoms that jack up your adrenaline so that you’re not even able to think straight.
Just imagine that we’re good friends (because you have the good luck of having a family therapist for a friend!) and we’re just drinking coffee and talking on the couch together. Let’s go through this piece by piece, together, so you can make the best decision for your kid.
Symptoms of Childhood Depression
My caveat before giving you these symptoms is this: DO NOT TRY TO DIAGNOSE YOUR KID YOURSELF. I’m not just saying that because I need to legally cover my backside. I don’t want you to feel like you have to diagnose your child in order to get treatment. That’s the professional’s job.
Think of it this way, when you take your kid into the pediatrician because they’re not feeling well, no one is asking for you to already know their diagnosis. Your job is simply to know that something is wrong, and to bring them in.
I know, that doesn’t stop the worry, and the need for information. I’m a mom, too. And when I think there’s something up with one of my boys, I want to learn everything I can. So I’ll give you as much information as I can. Let’s dive in.
What Does Depression Look Like In Kids?
Kids with depression can look and act differently from adults with depression. For a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms need to be around for at least 2 weeks, for most of the day, each day. If it’s been less than 2 weeks, I’d still keep an eye on them, but your kid may ‘just’ be having a rough patch. If it’s been longer than 2 weeks, but you’re thinking, “She just laughed at her sister’s joke at dinner yesterday,” remember that mood can still have some fluctuation, even in depression.
Changes in sleep patterns, like trouble sleeping, (including trouble staying asleep all night and waking up too early in the morning) OR increased amounts of sleeping (beyond what you would typically expect for their age).
Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities
Changes in appetite, changes in weight, or failure to gain appropriate weight
They may be feeling restless, or they may feel slowed down, like they have literal weights tied to them
Feelings of worthlessness, self-blaming thoughts and behavior, include self-inflicted punishments
Having a hard time concentrating, focusing, or remembering
Frequent thoughts about death, including suicidal thoughts
If your child is having suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, please get them help immediately. Suicide in young kids is rare, but very real.
Depression Or Grief?
The other reason I gave you that caveat about not diagnosing your own kid, is that it can be hard to figure out if they have depression, if they’re just feeling down, or if there’s something else going on. One more thing to add to your consideration is whether or not your kid has experienced a loss recently (death of a loved one, divorce, a move, etc.). If so, they may be experiencing grief, instead of depression. You can help them by giving them space to process the loss in their own way. Some kids need to talk, others need to create, and still others just need your physical presence.
I know that this isn’t easy to read and think about. And the whole question of your child even having depression is overwhelming and a little numbing. You’re doing a great job being this on-top-of-it that you’re trying to figure out what’s going on and how to help them.
This is usually the point where we try to talk ourselves out of something seriously being the matter. But remember, you’re here for a reason. Take a breath, and let’s keep going.
“Kids don’t really get depression” and Other Myths About Childhood Depression
There is a lot of misinformation floating around out there that I feel compelled to clear up for you. Here are some of the most common myths people have about childhood depression.
Myth- “My daughter is only 7; she’s too young for depression. She’s just being dramatic.”
Answer- Depression does impact children as young as pre-schoolers. It’s rare to diagnose that young, but possible. Half of all lifetime mental illnesses show themselves before a child is even in high school.
Myth- He still seems like he’s happy sometimes. How could he have depression?
Answer- You want to look at the bigger picture here. People- including kids- with depression can have good days, where some of the weight seems to have been lifted, and they will appear happy. Just like the rest of the world, they will experience good and bad days. But if you can think back over the last 2 weeks and you son has been more sad, or angry, than he has been happy, it may be a symptom of depression. They may also have good social skills, know what sort of behavior is expected from them, and be putting on a brave face.
Myth- What could they be that sad about? Nothing bad has happened!
Answer- Depression is not simply a response to stressful life events. It is a disease impacting the brain. It changes how certain chemicals are transmitted, and impacts the circuitry and functioning of certain areas of the brain. Negative events in your kids life can act as a type of trigger for depression, but depression can rear it’s ugly head at any time. Depression is a sneaky, insidious disease, and doesn’t require any ‘help’ before it makes an appearance.
Myth- I don’t want my kid to be on medication for depression, so there’s no point in talking about this.
Answer- Medication is only one of the options for treatment. Only 2% of kids and teens with depression are treated with medication only. 19% are treated with talk therapy combined with medication, and 19% are treated with talk medication only. 60% receive no treatment at all. Please, don’t withhold all treatment just because you don’t like one of the options.
Different Kinds of Depression
There is some jargon you will probably run into while researching depression. So let’s break this down, like the index at the back of the book.
Depressive episode:
A brief(ish) period of time when someone had symptoms of depression. For example, they may have had a depressed mood for a few weeks, but then returned to a normal mood afterwards. An episode could last for weeks or months.
Major Depressive Disorder:
The official medical diagnosis for what is just generally called ‘Depression.’ You may also hear it called ‘clinical depression.’
Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia):
This is a type of depression that is long-lasting. For kids, they have to have a depressed mood (with other symptoms) for at least a year, with no more than 2 months of remission at any point during that year.
Remission:
A break or end to symptoms.
Other Depression-related words to know:
Assessment or screen:
A set of questions (aka a ‘test’) to determine the appropriate diagnosis for your kid.
Psychiatrist:
A doctor who specializes in medications for mental illnesses.
Psychologist:
A doctor who may prescribe medication, but may also provide talk therapy for their clients.
Therapist:
A person who is able to provide talk therapy for your child. They have gone through graduate school training, and are licensed by state boards. This can include Marriage and Family Therapists, Social workers, and Professional Counselors.
What does this mean for my kid’s future? The trajectory of childhood Depression
This is a good news, bad news section. So let’s take a look at what’s at stake for your kid, and then I’ll give you the good news!
BAD NEWS
The bad news is that if your child has depression, they are more than likely going to fight this on and off throughout their life, because there is no ‘cure’ for childhood depression in the traditional sense.
Simply put, kids with depression are more likely to become adults with depression.
And adults with untreated depression tend to have poorer health, worse job performance, and more stressful relationships than the general population. They are also more likely to use drugs or alcohol, typically because they’re trying to self-medicate.
GOOD NEWS
But your kid is not necessarily doomed to be depressed for their entire life. It is possible that they may only suffer from a few more bouts of depression, but otherwise have a typical mood throughout life.
More good news is that you caught this early! Your kid’s brain is still amazingly elastic, and can learn so many coping skills. This is the perfect time for talk therapy! So many changes to their way of thinking can be developed; and learning resiliency is so much easier in childhood. So your kid is about 800 steps ahead of the game, simply because you’re being alert and looking for help.
You are so on top of it that you’re going to help your kid beat the statistics. The average delay between onset of symptoms and intervention is 8-10 years. Basically, from the first symptom of depression, it typically takes 8-10 YEARS for someone to get help!!! But you are recognizing right now what you need to do. You are not going to let your child suffer silently for a decade.
Getting Help for Childhood Depression
So what do you need to do? Here are a couple steps to help you decide if your child needs further help, and then directions for how to get that help. Remember, when you’re trying to decide if your kid needs help, you’re not responsible for diagnosing them. You just need to cross the line where your gut response is, “Something isn’t right.”
In the Freebie Library, I have a guide to finding professional help for your kiddo.
Monitor Your Kid’s Mood
When they’re upset, sad or angry, does there seem to be a cause? How long does the bad mood last? Hours? Days? Weeks?
How is their sleep, and overall energy level? Are they still interested in playing with friends, or doing other activities that they generally like? Take a look back at the symptoms, and keep an eye on some of them.
Unless your kid is expressing suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, (in which case, GET THEM HELP IMMEDIATELY) it’s okay to take your time and gather information.
Talk to Other Adults in Their Life
You’ll also want to talk to your kid’s teacher, daycare provider, coach, or any other adult who’s around them when you’re not. The goal is to see what their mood and behavior is like in different places. Depression impacts kids across settings, not just one. So it’s important to see what else is going on. If you’re only seeing the bad mood in one location (like just at home, or just at home) you may not be looking at depression.
Choose Whether (or not) You Need To Get Additional Help
Now, here’s the bottom line. If you have any reason at all to believe your kid has depression, it’s crucial to seek out help from a professional. There is no need to be certain. Just like when you take a kid in to the pediatrician for a sore throat- it may be strep, it may be a virus, or it might be because they were screaming too much! No one is angry at you for bringing in a kid that you’re concerned about. It’s the same with mental health!
Even if they don’t have a diagnosable case of depression, there’s no arguing that your kid is having a hard time managing their feelings. And they may appreciate having someone (a therapist) to talk to and teach them some tools.
Getting an Appointment with a Professional
The goal here is to get your child assessed for depression. You may also hear the phrase “depression screening.” For a starting place, you can talk to your pediatrician, or your school psychologist, about your concerns. You’ll want to say something along the lines, “I’m worried about John. He’s been showing some symptoms of depression, and I would like for him to be assessed for depression.”
If those professional drag their feet, or say your kid is too young, you can ask for a referral or recommendation (based on what your insurance company requires) for a child therapist. You can also just look at who your insurance covers, and call them directly. You can still use the script from above requesting an assessment directly.
If the therapist’s office tells you there’s a waitlist, or a 6-8 week time frame before they’ll be able to be seen, know that this is- unfortunately- common. You can either take that appointment and wait, or you can ask if they know anyone else in the area who would be able to see your child sooner. (You could also take the appointment and then cancel it if you’re able to find one sooner.)
After the Assessment
After the assessment for depression, you’ll talk with the therapist about their recommendations for treatment. You can feel free to take notes if you need; it’s a great tactic for slowing the conversation down a bit and making they’ve explained everything well to you.
How to Cope as the Mom of a Child with Depression
The journey towards discovering if your child has depression is heartbreaking one. It is excruciatingly painful to watch someone you love hurt so much. And it can be a lonely process, especially as you ask yourself questions like, “Did I cause this?” Here are a few bits of advice to help your healing process.
Stop the guilt.
It does no one good to blame yourself. Let it go. (Easier said than done, but it still needs to happen.)
Focus on the positive.
You caught this sooooo early, and that will have an impact on the trajectory of this disease. You are actively making this better for them!
Understand that your child can still have a good quality of life.
They will still have good days, and years. There can even be months of remission of their depressive symptoms. In the best case scenarios, they will find a way to balance their life so that the depression no longer has control.
Acknowledge that it’s really hard to live with someone with depression.
It’s like living in a deflated balloon. You know what life was like when it was light, but now everything is just kinda limp, and you’re looking around at the wasted potential. And to complicate the matter, if your kid has depression, there’s a 40% or greater chance that you or their dad has depression, too. That is really tough! Just acknowledging that you’re doing something objectively difficult can help give you perspective.
You need to give yourself permission to be happy.
There is a saying, “You’re only ever as happy as your saddest child.” And if that’s true, sister, this is going to be a long journey. Although I generally agree with thought, I think it might not hold up for parents of kids on the far ends of the happiness bell-curve.
So, let me be clear. You are allowed – no, you are encouraged– to be happy while your child is sad. If you go down into that pit of despair and sadness with them, who is going to pull you out.
If you find that you’ve lost that spark of joy, you need to find it again, and quick. Find something that just puts a goofy smile on your face. I ran into an amazing quote as I was writing this that I think really sums it up:
“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”
You may need to do some soul-searching to find what sparks that little light.
Get your own therapist.
I know it’s really hard to find a time to schedule therapy, and then what will you do with the kids, and how many co-pays can you really afford? If you’re running into these stumbling blocks, you could try a babysitting swap, like with Komae. Or, you may want to explore some of the online therapy options, like TalkSpace or BetterHelp. Getting your own therapist can be completely life changing. And no, you don’t have to have a mental health diagnosis to benefit; it’s enough that you’re struggling with your current life circumstances. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!
Bonus- find a cheer leader.
When all the energy and joy is being sucked out of you, it’s important to have people who can build you back up. This is a season, and you will become more resilient to the effect of living with someone with depression over time. But for now, you need to arm yourself with all the emotional support you can find.
Conclusion
You have now had a quick- but immersive- introduction to childhood depression. You know the symptoms, and you’re aware of the myths. You’re prepared with the jargon that doctors may throw at you, and you even have a script for how to call and get help for your kid. You know the stats, and the importance of getting help in a timely manner. If knowledge is power, then girl, you’re armed.
So, what will you do with it? Take a quick moment to stop and choose one action-step that will benefit your kid, and commit to seeing it through. Let me know in the comments what activity you’re committing to!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
