Author: Alex

24 Time Management Tools for Teens

Time management.

It may seem like a fuzzy, broad topic, but it’s one of the most critical life-skills we need to teach our teens.

It’s not something people are born with; it’s a skill developed and honed over time. 

So, if you’ve been thinking that your teenager- or kid, or pre-teen (or even you!) -needs better time management skills, there’s hope!

What Are Your Goals for Your Time?

The first step to working on time management is to figure out why you need to be working on it in the first place. If it’s just a vague fuzzy feeling that this is something they could be better at, your teen is going to have a hard time gaining the correct time management tools.

But if you know why time management matters to you, and them, it’s easier to have the motivation and drive to actually want to work on this. Because the reality is that you can have all the tools and tricks in the world, but it usually comes down to just doing the thing. AKA self-discipline. (Which is also a muscle that can be strengthened- so no fears!)

And self-discipline is much, much easier if you remember your WHY.

Common Challenges of Time Management for Teens

Typically when people look for time management skills, you get a list of things like, “wake up 15 minutes earlier” or “use a planner” and hope and cross your fingers that something will work. But there are actually a few different concrete challenges that people have with managing their time effectively.

Once you know where the problem is, it’ll be easier to find the correct solution!

Challenge #1: Knowing How Long It Takes To Do A Task

The first common problem is just knowing how long it takes to DO something. People with this challenge often over or underestimate the time they need to prep for activities, and then are constantly running late. 

Have you ever eaten dinner at 8:30 because you underestimated how long it would take dinner to cook? Imagine feeling that way all the time. Teens struggling with this typically want to be able to be on time, so they end up feeling chronically frustrated, or even paralyzed because it seems like there’s just not enough time to do everything.

Time Management Tools for Teens

  • Start a log of how long it takes to do things like get ready in the morning, get to school, do homework, eat a meal, get to work, etc. Any activity that comes immediately before something where they’re chronically late, or something they’re routinely not finishing is a good candidate to monitor. 
  • Keep the log for at least a week- you’ll want multiple times to be able to get an average.

Then use this information to plan better. Maybe they thought they could get ready for school in 25 minutes. But if it took anywhere between 20-45 minutes, you need to plan for 45 minutes because the consequences of arriving early are significantly less than arriving late!

Challenge #2: Getting Started

AKA task initiation. This may look like someone who’s just avoiding their work, or putting it off, or dawdling. The key to helping teens who struggle with getting started is understanding why it’s a challenge to them. Does the task seem too challenging, or too long? Maybe there is something more fun they want to be doing? Or does focus (and being easily distracted) seem to be the main problem?

Time Management Tools for Teens:

If the task is too long:

  • Break it into chunks and use a timer so there’s a clear, manageable time limit. You may have to start with shorter times, like 10 minutes and build from there. But this teaches your teen that they are completely capable of doing this, which will help build their confidence, self-esteem and potentially even re-wire their brain!

If the task is too challenging:

  • Break the task apart into smaller parts. So, the chore wouldn’t be, “Clean the bathroom” it would be “clean the toilet and sink,” “clean the tub,” “wipe down the mirror,” etc. 

Is there something more fun?

  • Use it as a reward to motivate your teen. You may want to gently remind them about responsibilities and privileges, and that responsibilities have to come first. Of course, do that at a different time than when they’re trying to get this task started. Because then it will come off as a lecture, and we all know lecturing teens is no good!
  • Game-ify whatever they’re working on! ‘Beat the clock’ is the easiest option (how many problems can you do in 5 minutes, how much can you clean during this song?, etc) but the options are endless, so let your creativity shine!

Are they easily distracted?

  • What is the maximum attention-span of your teen to challenging work? Use that as a guide to set timers for 5 minutes of work, etc. 
  • A healthy adult attention span (for challenging work) is shorter than you may have thought- college students average 3-5 minutes under lab conditions! The point is that you (and they!) shouldn’t feel badly about a short attention span- we’re built to constantly seek new information. 
  • Put away the phone. Like in a completely different room. And turn off notifications on a smartwatch if they wear one.
  • Use website blockers to prevent checking social media and other websites.
  • Try some white noise to drown out all the other distractions.

Challenge #3: Having enough time in the day to get it all done

Kids and teens with this challenge generally know what needs to be done, and are capable of starting and completing the task, but they always seem to end the day with the feeling of, “I just wasn’t able to get it all done!”

Time Management Tools for Teens

  • Manage expectations. Use a planner, or even just a sheet of paper and some sticky notes, write down all the tasks they think need to happen. Work on spreading things out, and…
  • PRIORITIZE. This is one of the main problems. Everything feels important, so it’s hard to cut things out, or even place them in order. A good question to have your teen ask themself is, “what would realistically happen if I didn’t do this?”
  • Monitor time wasters. Screens are the most obvious examples here. You can encourage them to experiment with keeping phones, etc in a different room when they’re studying or trying to get something done.
  • Re-claim the lost time. I was working with a gentleman who claimed he had no time to get anything done. But we did a time audit, and found that he had an additional 2 HOURS EVERY DAY spent waiting (for transportation, and for his classes or work to begin once he got there). Once we were able to plan for what he could realistically do with that time, he was able to stop feeling like he was falling behind.

Challenge #4: Finishing the Job (Task Completion)

It was that first gorgeous day of spring, the weather was warm, it was sunny,  I was a senior at college, and everyone else was outside having all the fun.

I, however, had to finish a finals paper. It was agony. The last paragraph must’ve taken an hour, and at one point I vividly remember laying at the top of my basement-bedroom stairs, half here and half there, longingly looking outside. 

Dramatic? Why, yes. 

But it paints the picture of someone who struggles with finishing tasks. And there are a dozen nearly finished projects around my house to prove that I start things with gusto and enthusiasm, and either get bored, frustrated, or distracted before I finish what I started.

If your teen (or you!) has a problem with just finishing the job, there are a few time management solutions for you.

Time Management Tools for Teens

  • Set aside extra time at the end; you know you’re going to slow down, like a car running out of gas, so plan for it.
  • If possible, start with the end. You can write your conclusion at the same time as your introduction! 
  • Reframe the ‘end’ as an entirely new task in it’s own right. This is especially effective if you’re good at task initiation.
  • Time yourself to see how quickly you can finish the job.
  • Give yourself a scheduled break if you’ve been at it awhile. Scheduling the break and planning to come back is very different then quitting, and is why I think the Pomodoro Technique (essentially, work for 25 min, break for 2-3 min, work for 25, break for 2-3, etc.) can be useful!

Challenge #5: Having a plan

People without a plan are flying by the seat of their pants. They’re subject to whims, and being overly driven by their emotions (ranging from “I feel great- let’s do all the things!” to “I don’t feel like it today). They also waste a lot of time figuring out what to do next.

  • Develop a routine; put yourself on autopilot to save on your mental load.
  • Try a brain-dump. Some people freeze when they’re overwhelmed. Seeing everything written out so that you can attack it one piece at a time may help. If the list is so long that it still seems unmanageable, try re-writing it with just the top 3 priorities, OR…
  • Use a planner, even for non-study related activities. For “every minute spent in planning saves as many as ten minutes in execution.” So, if you spent just 10 minutes planning your day, it’ll save you more than an hour and a half! You can even leave space or time to still be spontaneous if that’s important for you. Win!

Time Management Isn’t Something We’re Born With

Time management is such a critical life skill, but for many of us it may not come naturally. The good part is that it can be taught- at any age. So to recap, here’s a summary of all the time management tools for teens (or anyone)!

The Complete List of Time Management Tools for Teens

  1. Track how long it takes to do a task, and then use that info for planning 
  2. Break jobs into 10-minute chunks and use a timer so there’s a clear, manageable time limit.
  3. Use your maximum attention span for challenging tasks as a guide for how long to set the timer. Stretch it as you get better!
  4. Break a task apart into smaller parts. So, the chore wouldn’t be, “Clean the bathroom” it would be “clean the toilet and sink,” “clean the tub,” “wipe down the mirror,” etc. 
  5. Have something ‘fun’ planned as a small reward for completing the job (or doing it on-time, etc.)
  6. Game-ify it with games like ‘Beat the clock’ or ‘how much can you clean during this song?’ The options are endless, so let your creativity shine!
  7. Put the phone in a completely different room, with sound and notifications off. 
  8. Turn off notifications on the smartwatch, too.
  9. Use website blockers to prevent checking social media and other websites.
  10. Try using white-noise.
  11. Manage expectations of how much can realistically be done in a day. 
  12. PRIORITIZE. Ask yourself, “does this get me closer to where I want to be?” Or on the opposite side, “what would realistically happen if I didn’t do this?”
  13. Do a time-audit
  14. Reclaim your ‘lost’ time 
  15. Set aside extra time at the end of a task
  16. If possible, start with the end. 
  17. Reframe the ‘end’ as an entirely new task in it’s own right. 
  18. Use a mantra like, “I can do anything for 10 minutes.”
  19. Give yourself a scheduled break if you’ve been at it awhile. 
  20. Try the Pomodoro Technique (essentially, work for 25 min, break for 2 min, work for 25, break for 2, etc.) using whatever time frames would be most helpful to you
  21. Develop a routine for daily and weekly tasks.
  22. Try a brain-dump. 
  23. Use a planner, even for non-study related activities. 
  24. Identify your most productive time of day
What is a good daily routine for a teenager?

The priority for a good daily routine for teenagers is that it needs to include 8-10 hours of sleep, and time for physical activity. Everything else will become much easier after that. Maintaining a consistent routine is also important for the routine to become habit.

How do you manage time in high school?

The best way to manage time in high school is to identify your goal, and prioritize the activities/classes that move you towards that goal. Identifying where you struggle with time management is also a key step in managing time. Planners can be a concrete way to help you see where your time is going, and relieve some anxiety because you can see that you DO have time for everything (if you truly don’t- it’s time to make some hard decisions).

How can I help my teenager with time management?

The first step is always to get them on board- you cannot manage your teenager’s time for them. From there, you’ll want to help them figure out what their biggest problem with time management is, and provide tools that match the need.

What are the best time management tools?

The best time management tools are a) planners and b) timers. These tools are flexible enough to be used how individuals would benefit the most.

How I Use InstaCart To Choose My Battles

**This post contains affiliate links and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.

Happy 2020!

I love the New Year! It’s a beautiful time to start fresh, with enthusiasm, to make those changes we’ve been wanting to happen in our lives.

For me, remaining patient and present with my kids is an annual resolution (because there’s always room for improvement!). And one of the ways I try to accomplish this is by choosing my battles.

I try to let go of perfection, of housework, and of filling my schedule (and theirs!) to the brim- because I know nothing gets my anxiety going like a day filled with running from errand to errand. 

InstaCart has been a huge help for me with this.

In fact, it might be my favorite “mom hack” of all time.

The Right Tools to Accomplish Your Resolutions

I know, those are some pretty grand claims, but InstaCart has helped me get closer to my resolutions to remain present and patient by:

  • Being able to keep a running grocery list on the app. Out of vanilla? Just put it in the ‘cart’ and you don’t have to dedicate any more brain-space to it!
  • Being able to grocery shop when the kids are asleep. I make the list and place my order after everyone’s in bed! This gives me so much time back with my kids.
  • AVOIDING THE ENTIRE GROCERY STORE EXPERIENCE WITH TODDLERS (sorry for screaming- this can NOT be understated!)
    • No more getting sick because they’re licking the cart
    • They’re not begging for M&Ms
    • I don’t have to shush them in the store when they’re screaming about not getting M&Ms.
    • No more packing the diaper bag, bundling kids up, having them sweat and overheat in the store because we’ve been there so long, stopping the trip for an emergency potty break (even though everyone was told to go before we left), and hearing “are we done yet?” like we’re on a 10 hr drive, all while trying to follow a list and keep a rough tally of how much I’m spending in my head.
    • No more begging for Mac N Cheese because Olaf is on it
    • No more singing nursery rhymes in public the grocery store to keep my kids happy.

I’m very much in the camp that parenting is about our response to our kids, not their behavior. But geez, if I can avoid that potential quagmire of whiny behavior, and the deep breaths I’ll have to take to stay calm, why wouldn’t I?!

InstaCart to the Rescue

So instead of taking my kids out for a 2-hour excursion grocery shopping, I have the lovely people at InstaCart do that for us. My kids and I get to play, eat lunch, or even nap while our grocery shopping is being done.

And once the food has been delivered, there’s the added bonus that they haven’t been so burned out by shopping that they’ll actually help me unpack! (Or maybe it’s because I let them make forts out of the cereal boxes and canned food.)

InstaCart is an important parenting tool for me to remain patient and present with my kids.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s true. 

Choosing your battles isn’t just the name of the site- it’s truly a manifesto of my parenting style. And InstaCart has helped me choose one less battle each week!

Pin for later!

PS- I forgot to mention that InstaCart is a life-saver when you have sick kids! They’ll deliver all the Tylenol, soup and tea that you need! And you can try it risk-free with free delivery on your first order!

Free Delivery on Your First Order with Instacart!

Create An After School Routine For ADHD

Why Create An After School Routine For ADHD Kids?

Think of it this way: Your ADHD child is like a 2-liter bottle of soda-pop.

They’ve been shaken up all day at school and they’re ready to burst. You can see the plastic seams by the cap starting to expand pull apart because they want to just explode!

Everything they went through at school today- from playing with equally energetic friends to sitting still for teachers to trying their hardest to focus on a lesson- has shaken that little pop bottle more and more. And the pressure inside that plastic bottle is immense.

Without any plan in place to help them calm down, or release the pressure slowly and evenly, they will burst.

And it won’t be pretty.

Of course, some days they’ll burst before they even get home. And some days it’ll be the safety of your arms that lets them relax enough to feel safe ‘exploding’ with you.

It’s not fun for them, either. To be so out of control. To be feeling like they can’t contain themselves, and can’t put themselves back together.

So, back to the question, why would you create an after-school routine for a kid with ADHD? Because you both deserve better.

Benefits of an After School Routine for Kids With ADHD

There are so many benefits of having a strong routine or structure in your home. Especially for kids with ADHD, or lack of focus, or impulse control problems!

It can seem counter-intuitive, but kids continue to need structure when they come home from school (they seem like they need to just ‘be free’ after having structure all day). Having a predictable schedule when they come home from school can provide a smooth transition and a sense of security and safety. 

Second, structure helps limit the impact of distractions and helps by pre-setting priorities throughout the day. Which are two major problems kids with poor impulse control struggle with. 

So, having a before and after-school routine helps establish some guidelines for kids, and helps narrow their focus. They don’t lose time in the morning wondering if they should get dressed first, or eat breakfast first, or maybe just go ahead and turn on the TV because they’re overwhelmed and distracted by all the thoughts bumping around in their mind.

Questions & Myths About After School Routines for Kids with ADHD

Won’t it make home feel like school? Or a jail?
  • Structure isn’t restrictive. Think of no structure as a blank page, and structure as a coloring book. But, you’re not limited to just the picture with a coloring book; you can improvise, add things in the white space, or just color in the lines. The blank page can seem free-ing, but many kids freeze when given a blank page with zero instruction.
I’m already really busy, and this seems like an additional task I just can’t take on
  • It’s not hard to put a structure into place. And the nice thing is you can do it bit by bit! It’s one of those things in life where a little bit of work up-front makes your life so much easier in the long run.
I don’t want to nag my kid about one. more. thing.
  • If your teen or kid is struggling with impulse control, you’re already reminding them a million times a day to do (or not do) a bajillion different things. Giving your kid a routine will NOT increase what you’re reminding them about- it will give structure and predictability to what you’re telling them to do. For example, in the morning, instead of shouting, “Turn off the TV! Did you brush your hair? And your teeth? And change your underwear? Is your bed made? Did you eat breakfast?” you can use the morning routine to help trigger all those behaviors. AND, it’ll help your child learn some basic task management!
This seems like something that other families do. It wouldn’t work at my house.
  • First, your family CAN do this. Second- if your reasoning is that you’re too busy, you work outside the home, you have more kids than those other imaginary families, or your kid has worse ADHD, or whatever other reason makes it harder for your family to do have a schedule- I’d argue that you NEED this at your house even more. You are more than strong enough and smart enough to use a before-school and after-school routine in your home.

How to create a routine that works for your ADHD Child 

There are a couple ways to go about creating a routine. For example, it can be a daily, or a weekly, routine. IE, every day at 4 I do my homework, or every Saturday morning I do my chores. However, if you’re working with a kid who has a challenge focusing, you’re more likely to have success if you start with a daily schedule.

My best suggestion is to focus on one time of the day, and avoid starting with your most challenging time. So, if the mornings are your toughest time with your kid or teen, starting with the nightly routine would make the most sense, and get you the most traction. You want to make this easy for yourself and your child! 

Start with small successes and build from there!

Printable Daily & Weekly Chart for Bedtime, Before School, and After School Routines

I have a printable daily schedule template for you to use. It’s divided into three sections- morning (for before school routines), afternoon (for after-school schedules) and evening (for bedtime routines). 

There’s a page of this PDF that can be used for a whole week,  or you can take things day-by-day with the daily page. For kids who get overwhelmed easily, or who have a lot going on, the daily chart is a great option.

I have a few suggestions to help get your brain going for creating routines that work for your family.

Morning Ideas/Before-School Routines:

  • A set wake-up time
  • No TV or screens in the morning
  • A consistent order of responsibilities (have the same pattern every day: wake-up, brush teeth, get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast)
  • Include a healthy breakfast
  • Lay everything out the night before; clothes, shoes, backpacks, lunch boxes, coats/mittens, etc.
  • Use a certain playlist to cue the fact that it’s morning routine time.

Afternoon Ideas/After-School Routines:

  • Have a healthy snack prepped for when kids get home
  • Make outside play-time mandatory (There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing!) There’s a critical link between physical activity and a kid’s physical and mental health.
  • Use a scheduled/established homework time, when you can plan to stay close.
  • Work with your child’s teacher(s) to see if you can have a reasonable time-limit on homework. Some teachers go by a general guideline of 10 minutes per grade level. For example, a 3rd grader wouldn’t be expected to do more than 30 minutes of homework per night.
  • Have a reward (family time, playtime, a certain toy/activity becomes available) after homework.

Evening Ideas/Bedtime Routines:

Don’t forget about a solid nightly routine for your kid or teen! Set yourself up for success in the morning by making sure you have a well-rested kid.

  • Have some screen-free wind-down time. They can calm down by reading books, playing puzzles, or coloring.
  • Layout everything for the next morning
  • Have the same routine daily; it will start triggering their brain that it’s about time for sleep if you can help them be consistent.
  • Use scents or a warm shower/bath to your advantage.
  • Make bedtime rewarding by having it be a time you read a special book to them, or when you do snuggles, or a special ‘tuck-in’ routine.
  • Make sure phones/tablets/computers are charging in a different room overnight. Remove the temptation to get back out of bed!
  • Optional- Talk to your pediatrician about if melatonin is a good option for your kid.

Kids Thrive With Structure 

Give your kid the comfort of having a before and after school routine. It’s important for all kids, but possibly even more so for kids with ADHD.

Even a loose structure or routine can help you all have a sense of order, peace, and security. Kids need to know what to expect next, and you can play a critical role in that by providing routine. 

Please, share in the comments below, what’s been the best benefit for you in having a nightly, morning, or after school routine for ADHD?

A Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

Quick heads up- I am an affiliate for Amazon and others. You know the drill; I receive a small commission at no cost to you, that helps keep this website running. Thank you so much for any purchase!

A Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

It’s 6:45 am, and I can hear him screaming 2 floors away. I grumble, set down my coffee, and make a sarcastic remark about “another great day” as I head up the stairs to sort this out. 

Anxiety has destroyed the peace in my house.

OK, I have 3 boys. Maybe not the peace. But definitely the joy. 

What wouldn’t I give to start the day with happiness? With little smiling faces coming down the stairs? 

Instead, I see little faces who have already lost the battle with control and overwhelm, and can’t bear for me to even say good morning to them.

Managing Anxiety In Kids Under 10

In my experience, managing anxiety, especially childhood anxiety, is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm. When you have anxiety, you have the sense that you can’t control anything.

Which can be a big problem, because kids don’t naturally have a lot of control.

One easy way to give that control back to them is to give them specific times and tasks that they can assert their independence. Not only will this help them gain a bit of control- it’s completely developmentally appropriate! 

[bctt tweet=”Managing childhood anxiety is about creating a balance between control and overwhelm” prompt=”tell a friend”]

The Simple Idea to Help Children With Anxiety

Let them choose what to wear.

The specific solution I’m sharing today is letting your kid choose what to wear in the morning (or the evening for pjs) and then dress themselves. And the nice thing about this task is that, for as long as your kid is wearing those clothes, they are a reminder that they were able to make a choice for themselves. 

Even kids as young as 2 can choose their clothes! And it gives them such a sense of satisfaction. Has your kid even come to you, fully dressed in the morning, with that look of pride on their face? The look that says, “Hey, I’m awesome, Mom! Look what amazing thing I did!”

And while that look definitely wears off for slightly older kids, they still love the chance to start expressing themselves and their personal choices.

Yes, your kid may decide to wear plaid and stripes together, or may decide that a neon orange athletic shirt is a great look under a button-down. As long as they’re dressed appropriately for the weather,  just think of it as a chance to choose your battles. 😉

Clothes Can Cause More Anxiety

Unfortunately, sometimes the clothes can be more of a struggle than a solution. A kid with anxiety can easily get overwhelmed if there could be too many choices.

Or a child with perfectionist tendencies may get stuck, doubting their ability to match something. 

Maybe the clothes are uncomfortable for your kid, and there are weird seams or tags they need to avoid. (It’s not uncommon for kids with anxiety to also have sensory issues.) And some clothes have graphics that are just downright scary to kids. 

Whatever the reason, one of the ways to help children with anxiety is to create a personal uniform, using only the basics they reliably wear.

“Uniforms” Are An Easy Way to Help Children With Anxiety

A lot of people tend to think of uniforms as a restrictive thing, but since this is a personal uniform, created around your specific child that you have complete control over, I tend to think of it as hitting the sweet spot to fight childhood anxiety. It really is one of the simplest ideas to help children with anxiety.

First, the clothes are based on what your kid already likes, so they have control.

Second, the options are limited, so they’re not overwhelmed every time they open the dresser or closet.

“Uniform” examples

In my house, pocket t-shirts are a big hit. (I don’t personally get it, but they unquestionably make my son happy, so I roll with it!) So, in the summer, we can do solid pocket t-shirts, plus neutral shorts. 

Keeping it to the basics helps with the matching aspect so I don’t have to send kids back upstairs to change, creating frustration for everyone. In the winter, we really don’t mess around with too many layers. So, it’s jeans and plain long-sleeves to keep the choices, and the overwhelm to a minimum.

 

Where We Find the Basics

We stumbled into Primary a few years ago when we were creating a homemade “green ninja” costume for my then 6-year-old. And at that point, it felt close to a miracle to find plain, green pajamas in a size 7! 

I love Primary’s mission to create clothes that don’t say nonsense like, “I’m too pretty for math” or have a million graphics on them. Just because my kids tend to be on the big side, that doesn’t mean they should have to wear clothes with designs meant for boys 2-3 years older than they actually are. I just want my 4-year-old to look like a 4-year-old? You know? (OK, rant over!)

Primary’s quality of fabric is awesome, which means I can hand these bad boys down for yeeeaaaars. And they’re the basics, so they never go out of style. Which is good, because we’re part of an 8 boy hand-me-down chain. I’ve come to realize that investing a little more for the oldest one saves me a ton of money. 

Some of my favorites for the uniforms for boys are:

(sorry- mom of all boys here, not trying to be biased. It’s just what I know! There are tons of cute options for girls, too!) 

Managing Childhood Anxiety With A Uniform

Trust me, I am absolutely aware that this is not a complete solution. Still, anytime you can use a simple idea to help children with anxiety have control and reduce their overwhelm -it’s a win in my book!

That’s what easy wins are good for. Taking the edge off, and building momentum. And really, if you’re a parent of a kid with anxiety, what wouldn’t you do to start the day right with your child? 

 

Is this something you’ve already tried out? Share what sort of uniform works for your kid in the comments below!

About Alex

Alex is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

Impulse Control Workbook PDF

Help your teen or older kid learn the steps to developing better impulse control with this free workbook!

Living with Impulsive Kids?

So, you’ve been waiting for the day when your kid is in-tune enough with themselves to begin to take some real responsibility for their impulse control. And it’s finally here!

The only problem is that you have no idea where to get started.

Managing impulse control can look a bit like climbing a mountain when you’re getting started. It looks giant and imposing, and you might have no clue where to start.

But, just as with climbing a mountain, the path starts with putting one foot in front of the other. If you’re ready to start this journey with your kid, the Impulse Control Workbook is here to guide you!

I can’t promise it will be easy, but it will be sooooo worth it. Because the view from the top is amazing!

Who Is The Impulse Control Workbook For? 

The workbook was designed for parents with kids who are struggling with impulse control. In short, it’s for parents:

  • Who want to help their kid develop more control over their impulsive behavior
  • With children who may or may not have a diagnosis of ADHD
  • Who have a teen or older kid who is capable of recognizing their impulsiveness
  • With a kid who has an identifiable problem with impulse control (ie: there is a certain area(s) of their life where their lack of impulse control is causing a problem, like blurting out answers in class, or not listening to directions at home)
  • Who are dreaming of a more peaceful, cohesive home
  • Who want their teen or older kid to have the tools to succeed, in the classroom and at life
  • And, who are determined to make a difference in their kid’s life.

What’s In The “Impulse Control Workbook” PDF?

This 7-page workbook takes a 3 step process to help teens (and older kids) develop greater self-control. 

 

Section 1- Tips for Parents

The first section helps set the stage for you as the parent. In it, you’ll learn what it takes to become prepared to teach impulse control to your teen. The goal is to set you up for success, and reduce the amount of frustration and hopelessness you may feel on this journey.

Section 2- Life Skills 

Next, in the second section, impulse control is broken down by category. There are different life skills that every person needs to mature into an emotionally healthy adult, like delayed gratification and stress management. Looking at impulse control through this lens helps clearly identify your teen’s strengths and weaknesses. And once you identify the life skills they need to develop better impulse control, you can zero in on how to best help them.

 

Section 3- Impulse Control Activities for Teens (and Older Kids!)

Lastly, this leads us to section 3- activities for impulse control for teens. This section lists out simple activities that can lead to better self-control. It’s broken down by life-skill, so they can personalize what activities make the most sense for them to work on! 

Here are 2 “sneak peak” pages of the Impulse Control Workbook!

Further Reading

You might want to check out these other articles about impulse control, ADHD, and ways to make this challenging parenting journey a little more fun!

Grab Your Copy of the Impulse Control Workbook Now

Get your FREE download by using the sign-up form below.

There are no strings attached, and you have nothing to lose!

Best Toys For Gifted Children 2019

Some of the links on this page are affiliate links. As a member of Amazon affiliate and other affiliate programs, I earn a small commission if you purchase through these links, at no additional cost to you!

Finding the right present for a highly intelligent child, especially a birthday or a Christmas gift, can be difficult! They seem to plow through toys at an alarming rate, since gifted boys and girls tend to master things so quickly.

One of the best strategies I have seen, is to stick with the basics which can be re-created or re-built a million times. Things like Legos, Erector sets, or a set of pastels go a long way with gifted kids!

Also, with this group of kids, feel free to disregard the ‘manufacturers recommended age’ on the side of the box. If you’re looking for challenging toys, one of the easiest ways to do this is to forget about the age group, and just find a toy that fits the kid’s interest, and is slightly beyond the ability. 

The 7-year-old to 9-year-old range can be particularly tricky. Kids are growing-up, and they want to be treated more and more like adults. And with gifted kids, it can be hard to forget that they aren’t older than they are because of their verbal and logical skills. But they’re still kids! And they still certainly hope to receive toys for their birthdays and holidays!

Here are some of the best toys for gifted kids for 2019:

Best Puzzles for Gifted Kids

These puzzles all have a great price point- right around $10. Which makes them an awesome choice for birthday parties or even stocking stuffers!

PUZZLE BARON’S LOGIC PUZZLES

It will keep your kiddo busy for hours. There are over 200 of these brain teasers! And they can even play competitively (if they want) by keeping track of their completion time and challenging a friend! There’s also a 2nd volume of logic puzzles, if you need.

RIDDLECUBE THE GAME

Riddlecube the Game combines brain-teasers, fast-paced fun, and spatial reasoning. There are challenge cards and 4 “riddlecube shape shifters” that you use to solve the challenges in 60 seconds or less. If you have a highly intelligent child in your life that loves spatial reasoning challenges, they will have a blast with this game!

RUBIK’S CUBE

You can’t go wrong with the Rubik’s Cube. The original is a great place to start- but if they master it, there are pyramids, and many other shapes they can mess around with, too!

Best Games for Gifted Kids

Board games are a great choice to give as a present for a gifted child. They’re fun, make a kid develop strategy and foresight, and foster relational skills (since they have to at least play against someone else!) Here are some of the standouts:

SPYALLEY

Reviewers love SpyAlley, and it’s not hard to see why it’s won a bunch of awards, including Mensa Select. You’ll need your powers of observation and deduction- and it’s marketed as a family game (which is nice, especially if the kid you’re shopping for has siblings). It’s a mystery-solving game, so if they like Clue, chances are they’ll love SpyAlley.

PLANET

Another Mensa Select winner, Planet is a great family board game. There’s a 3D puzzle of a globe, and players get to enjoy the challenge of creating the perfect world and ecosystem for their wildlife. It’s ideal for the animal and nature loving kids in your life!

LABYRINTH

There are varying levels of difficulty, which makes it versatile enough for the whole family to enjoy- which is great, because playing board games by yourself is no fun! The goal of Labyrinth is to collect objects while going through a hidden maze. It’ll test their memory, logic and planning skills!

Best Activities for Gifted Kids

Building activities that allow for creativity and/or lots of creative thinking make excellent gifts for gifted kids. Especially if the building can be taken apart and put together again!

SNAP CIRCUITS

A great STEM toy- this is a awesome choice for any kid who likes building. Snap Circuits teaches the basic “complete the loop” concept with electricity, and includes rewarding components like fans, buzzers and switches that let you know right away if you’ve put the circuit together completely. Once your kid has mastered that, they’re free to create the most complicated electrical path they can- no permit required! (There’s also a Junior Snap Circuit version with a few less pieces and a slightly lower price point.)

DALTON LABS MOLECULAR MODEL KIT

If you did o-chem in college, you’ll recognize this set! It’s a molecular model kit that’s marketed for grades 7-university. But I have it here, because gifted kids are often ready to be introduced to complicated concepts much earlier than ‘recommended grade level.’ If you have a budding scientist, introducing the elements this way could be truly fascinating, and a concrete way to see some of the world’s smallest components. 

K’NEX

I’m super partial to K’Nex. They’re one of those ‘next-step-up-from-Lego’s’ toys (yes, I just created that category) that really stand the test of time. You can build as standard or complicated structures as you want, but these also give you the opportunity for more moving parts. So if your gifted kid is becoming bored with Lego’s because they just sit there, this would be a great gift option.

MY FIRST CODING AND COMPUTER KIT

No gift guide for gifted kids would be complete without recommending a coding option. My First Coding And Computer Kit is a great starter since it allows kids to learn about computer science while creating binary necklaces, ancient encryption devices, sorting races, mystery mazes, and even pixelated pictures. 

Gifts for Gifted Kids

If you’re getting stumped about what to get for a gifted kid, remember, there’s often something that they’re currently taking a ‘deep dive’ into. Use this specialized interest to your advantage!

Take whatever they’re interested in, and add a little twist. For example, maybe they’re very artistic. What mediums haven’t they experimented with yet? Could you get a canvas, or pastels, or even some fabric for them?

Art supplies,  and notebooks are almost always a safe bet for this group. They’re such open ended options, they’ll be able to find something to do with it!

Books are another awesome option, although gifted kids can tend to be pretty voracious readers so it might be tricky to find something age and level appropriate they haven’t read yet. I’ve found that a good librarian or teacher are worth their weight in gold for book recommendations!

And lastly, a magazine subscription that incorporates their specialized interest is the gift that keeps on giving!

Ways to Help Kids Cope With Climate Anxiety

The other day, my 8-year-old was a captive audience in the van. And I wanted to touch base with him about something that had been on my mind. So, I asked, “Honey, I’m curious, do you ever think about climate change? Is it something you have any feelings about?”

His immediate answer? An emphatic YES. “Oh really?” I said. “Yeah, I have tons of feelings about it.”

“Really? Which ones?”

“Well, just one type of feeling…Worry.”

That caught me off guard. I don’t know why it did; everything points to the fact that he should be worried. But as a mom, I wanted to brush this back under the rug. To tell him, “Oh, it’ll all be ok. The grown-ups will fix this. Don’t worry.”

But, therapeutically, this is unhelpful at best, and damaging at worst. He’s allowed to experience whatever feelings he has.

I also know too much to believe that any of what I wanted to say is actually true.

But most importantly, I know he’s not alone.

What Is Climate Anxiety?

It really is just what it sounds like. It’s anxiety, specifically based on concern or worry about the environment and/or climate. You may also hear it called eco-anxiety.

Excessive worry over weather patterns, melting glaciers, extinction, over-population, plastics (and the list goes on) are all examples of climate anxiety. It can become paralyzing for kids, and adults, alike. If your kid is experiencing climate anxiety, and it can spiral into hopelessness and a fairly existential crisis if left unaddressed.

Is Climate Change Actually Causing Anxiety?

The American Psychological Association did release a paper addressing the interplay between mental health and climate change. Essentially, they answered the question, “Is climate change causing anxiety” with a resounding YES.

Although it’s not currently in the DSM-5, which means you can’t get an actual diagnosis,  you can receive climate anxiety counseling.

The good news is that there’s a fine line between overwhelming and paralyzing anxiety about the climate, and a sense of urgency that pushes us into action. When addressing eco-anxiety with our kids, we’re ultimately going to focus on ways to take individual action.

How to Talk To Your Kids About Climate Change

Climate change is a HUGE topic, with lots of moving parts. But personally, teaching my kids about these giant topics and getting to emphasize the parts that I value the most, is one of my favorite parts of parenting!

So, just like with any other large, sometimes challenging concepts (think sex, or religious beliefs) it’s best to go slow, and start with the basics.

Start with a foundation of what nature is, and grow an appreciation for it! Spend time at parks, on walks, or visiting nearby National or State parks. This step cannot be understated. And it should be repeated as often as possible.

And then proceed based on the developmental level of your child. A 4-year-old and 10-year-old are going to be able to think- and process their feelings- about climate change very differently!

If you’re looking for a few books to help explain climate and the environment to kids, here are a (very) few recommendations:

  1. National Parks of the USA by Kate Siber
  2. The Honeybee by Kirsten Hall, illustrated by Isabelle Arsenault
  3. What Is Climate Change by Gail Herman (in the style of the Who/What Was? series)
  4. Not For Me, Please! I Choose To Act Green by Maria Godsey, illustrated by Christopher J Kellner
  5. Who Turned Up the Heat? Eco-Pigs Explain Global Warming by Lisa S. French, illustrated by Barry Gott
  6. A Kid’s Guide to the Green New Deal- How to Save the Planet, (Ebook) by Billy Goodman, illustrated by Paul Meisel

    Hope and Action are the Best Solutions for Climate Anxiety

    I know it can be tough, especially if you’re experiencing eco-anxiety yourself- but try to leave your kid with an actionable step (keep reading for a few ideas), and a little bit of hope. Try to leave the apocalyptic imagery and most of the doom and gloom out of your discussions.

    Finding a balance between urgency is terror is hard. But giving them hope is one of the best ways to avoid climate anxiety or depression, while still raising a kid who cares about the environment.

    RESOURCES TO GIVE YOUR CHILD HOPE ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT

      [bctt tweet=”Hope and action are the best solutions for climate anxiety.” prompt=”tell a friend”]

      How Kids Can Address Climate Change, by Age Group

      Climate change is a problem too large for any single person- or even country- to solve. Which is the paradox that has led to so much inaction over the decades. Psychology even has a term for this: the bystander effect.

      Effectively, the more bystanders are around, the less likely they are to assist a person (or in this case, an environment) in distress. The thought process is, “Oh, there are plenty of people here. Someone else MUST already be doing something about that. I don’t want to intervene, I’ll just get in the way.”

      And while those thoughts are pretty typical, they’re wildly unhelpful.

      To help combat the bystander effect, and get your kid engaged in protecting the environment, encourage your kid to think about their efforts multiplied by 7.7 billion.

      Action is the number one tool to help kids cope with climate anxiety.

      Actions to Help Kids Cope with Climate Anxiety & Save The Environment- Toddlers and Preschoolers

      For the youngest kids, (toddlers and preschoolers) these are easy introductions that will help to start build a habit. Most of these actions will focus on what they can do around the home, because in the toddler, preschool and even early elementary ages, their world isn’t that big.

      • Plant something. The larger the better. But even an herb will do. A tree is great, but the point at the younger ages is an appreciation of nature.
      • If they like pushing the kid-size carts at the store, have them be in charge of their own reusable bag at the store
      • Teach them to put clean or lightly-worn clothes back in their drawers (thus reducing the amount of laundry to-do)
      • Do a garbage pick-up at a local park
      • Have them be in charge of turning off lights when people leave a room
      • Let them help put winterizing caulk in drafty windows (the stuff that’s like a rope of putty)
      • Teach them to recycle
      • Creative Family Fun has a list of ideas of activities for kids who want to save the Earth

      Actions to Help Kids Cope With Climate Anxiety & Save the Environment- Elementary School

      As kids grow, their world view grows. A 4th grader is much more aware of the world around her, and more capable of interacting with it. While building on the ideas above, these ideas will start including other places in their life (school, etc.) and advocacy.

      CLIMATE ACTIONS FOR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KIDS:

      • Build a rain barrel. Here are 30 ideas for DIY rain barrels, so one is sure to fit your family’s needs!
      • Start identifying and trying to avoid single-use plastics
      • Build- and use- a compost bin (bringing the compost from the kitchen to the bin every night is a great chore!)
      • Have them help with meal-planning/grocery shopping by choosing a meatless meal (or two!) for dinner this week
      • Help them calculate your family’s carbon footprint with an online tool. Brainstorm ways to reduce it; write down your score or take a screenshot, and then compare it 6 months later to see if your efforts are working.
      • Let them walk, bike, or ride the bus to school at least one more day per week than they already are.
      • Ask their school (or church, etc.) to begin a compost program, or to increase their recycling program.
      • Work on delayed gratification. If we all- including adults- practiced more delayed gratification, we could reduce our impulse consumerism drastically.
      • Explore the idea of receiving experiences, like tickets for an event, as gifts, instead of toys or clothing.
      • Take them to thrift stores to purchase gifts for others. I typically take my kids (who’s budget is $1-$3) to the Dollar Store to buy presents for the brothers during Christmastime. We could go to the thrift store instead and achieve the same goal, AND avoid all the carbon emissions that come with making cheap plastic toys.

      Actions to Help Kids Cope With Climate Anxiety and Save the Environment- Middle and High Schoolers

      These steps are going to continue building on the work you’ve already done, and continue with the theme of expanding the size of the world.

      Honestly, for responsible and thoughtful teenagers, (and preteens!) there are no limits to what they can do, and how many people they can influence. See: Greta Thunberg.

      (Side note: if you don’t understand why your kid is up in arms about climate change and experiencing eco-anxiety, watch Greta Thunberg’s speech to the UN. It’s only 4ish minutes long, and is a powerful indictment against business as usual.)

      There are nearly limitless ideas for ways to get involved for this age-group. We’re only limited by our creativity here! So, I broke down the actions into individual steps they could take, and larger scale, or ‘big picture’ ideas.

      INDIVIDUAL CLIMATE ACTIONS FOR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS & HIGH SCHOOLERS

      • Teach kids to sew so they can mend small holes or rips in clothes
      • Give them permission to bug you to make changes. 
      • Get serious about biking and walking places; organize carpools when the distance is too far.
      • Find a way they can use their skills to fight climate change. How can they contribute with their unique skills? We’re going to need writers, leaders, engineers, teachers, farmers- and more- to solve this! So what angle would engage your kid the most?
      • Teach them to plan, purchase ingredients for, and cook a meatless or zero-waste meal (or two!)

      BIG PICTURE CLIMATE ACTIONS FOR MIDDLE SCHOOLERS & HIGH SCHOOLERS

      This is the list of actions for teens and pre-teens who want to get involved in protecting the environment on a larger scale. Here are some “big picture” ideas:

      • Encourage them to take political action. Individual changes, while important, aren’t going to be enough to keep us under 1.5 degrees Celsius to prevent irreversible global changes. So, we’re going to need sweeping changes that have to start at the political and/or business level. Some examples are:
        • Participating in climate marches
        • Writing to government representatives- and don’t forget the local and state reps! Big changes can happen on a city or state level!
        • Joining a movement like Sunrise Movement, or faith-based options like The Global Catholic Climate Movement.
        • Voting for candidates who are serious about taking steps to reduce our impact on the climate. (If they’re not 18, and you’re willing to vote on their behalf, teach them to do their research and ask who they’d like you to vote for.)
      • ENCOURAGE THEM TO SHARE NEW IDEAS! This one may be the most important. They are looking at this problem with a fresh set of eyes, and a new perspective. Encourage them to share what solutions they may see, listen, and help them put these ideas into action if possible.

        What Can We Do About Climate Anxiety and Kids?

        As adults, we understand there is a deep urgency to addressing climate change. But it’s absolutely overwhelming to our kids. When we present information in a way like, “Here are the Top 10 Environmental Issues That Should Make You Worry,” (not kidding, a real title of an article from some of the first research I was doing for this post) we aren’t giving our kids the tools they need to cope with climate anxiety.

        Instead, what they end up hearing is, “Things are so out of control that the adults can’t handle it, so yes, you as a 7-year-old should be worrying about this.”

        What we do, and the tone we set as parents deeply matters if we want our kids to be able to cope with climate anxiety, and ultimately be able to DO something about it.

        We can explain the basics, foster an appreciation of the natural world, find cause for hope, and find ways they can take action.

        Because actions always feels better than anxiety.

        Do you think your kid is suffering from climate anxiety? Have you asked? How has climate change affected your family?

               

        What To Do If You Think Your Child Has A Learning Disability

        School just started back up, and you’re realizing this year that homework is now a nightmare for your kid. There are nightly tears about homework, and you’re starting to just feel drained from it all.

        Or maybe your kid wouldn’t mind doing math sheets all night, if that just meant they didn’t have to do their nightly reading.

        It’s obvious that for whatever reason, your kid needs help learning. You think it might be a learning disability, or would at least like to rule that out. You may even have narrowed it down, and are able to voice a specific concern like, “I think my kid might be dyslexic.”

        Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out how to help your struggling student.

        So how do you get help if your child has a learning disability? 

        Where do you go from here? You’ve read all about the signs and symptoms of learning disorders like dyscalculia, and dysgraphia.

        But how do you get from reading all this information, to actually putting school interventions in place?

        Here are a few steps you can take to go from having this be a suspicion of yours, to getting your child some real help in school.

        1. Gather Your Evidence/Concerns

        The first step to figuring out if your child has a learning disability is to put it in writing.  Are you concerned about a learning problem, or a behavior problem? Both? Is one of the primary?

        (It’s very common for one to mask the other. For example, if I child has dyslexia and is struggling to read, they may act out in class- either out of frustration, shame, or as a distraction.)

        [bctt tweet=”It’s common for behavior problems in school to mask learning disabilities.” prompt=”tell a friend”]

        What exactly are you seeing that concerns you? Be specific. For example, don’t be vague like, “Eva spent way too long on her homework every single night this week.”

        Keeping notes like, “Eva cried for 20 minutes before starting her homework, saying things like, “I’m too dumb for this,” and then it took her 45 minutes to finish 10 math problems. She got 2 correct.”

        2. Talk To The Teacher 

        Let me be clear- you are speaking with the teacher to gather his or her observations- NOT to get their blessing about whether or not you’ll continue pursuing this. It’s especially important to remember this if you have a teacher who’s dismissive of the idea that your child needs additional support.

        But generally, the teachers are a wealth of information. They’ll tell you what reading or math group your kid is in, and how much extra help they’ve been needing.

        They might even surprise you and say, “Oh yeah, I was planning to bring that up at our next parent-teacher conference.”

        You’ll also want to ask if they’re using any interventions already.

        3. Schedule an evaluation with the school psych. 

        Using the information you’ve gathered, you need to call the school and schedule an eval. It’s a critical step in getting an answer to the question of, “Does my kid have a learning disability?”

        Just say something like, “I believe that my kid is having a problem with math, and would like her to be evaluated for a learning problem” and they’ll be able to take if from there.

        YOU don’t have to have to pre-diagnose your child, you just need to clearly state the concern.

        4. Wait for the eval/results. 

        This may be the hardest part. Try to just breathe, and remember that your kid is still the same person that you love and think is amazing, whether or not they have a diagnosis of dyscalculia or not.

        Once the results come back, decide if they make sense to you. Did they test the area you were concerned about? Did they treat your family with fairness and respect?

        In short, do you think the school psychologist got a clear and unbiased look at your child’s abilities?

        From here, you have two choices: One, accept the result and work towards a plan. Two, seek a second opinion.

        Also, even if the school said your kid doesn’t have a learning disability, that doesn’t mean you can’t create a plan to help your kid! You can develop one on your own; there are plenty of ways to address learning problems at home.

        5. (Optional) Seek a second opinion.

        If you don’t think the evaluation accurately represented your kid’s abilities, you can seek a second opinion.

        Be warned, in the US, this is likely to get expensive because now you’re going to be looking for a private psychologist or group to do the testing. Which means you’re more than likely going to have to pay out of pocket.

        It’s obviously up to you, but keep in mind that this should only be a one-time cost that you have to deal with, if that helps make this an easier pill to swallow..

        6. Create a plan. 

        If your child received a diagnosis of learning disability, ask the professional for a plan to address this before you walk out of the room/get off the phone. At the very least, schedule a meeting to follow-up on this.

        Additional tutoring, a 504 plan, an IEP, or behavioral counseling are all options for your kid that you may want to explore.

        If this is your first venture into the world of IEP, my friend Laurie has written a wonderful explanation of The IEP Process for Parents. Even if you’ve dealt with IEPs or 504s before, it’s worth a refresher!

        Keeping the Team Accountable

        I always like to keep a ‘paper’ trail, so even if you talk on the phone or in person, you can send a quick email as a follow-up. “Just to summarize, we talked about Johnny’s school performance, and potential learning disabilities, and your thoughts were… and my thoughts were…” That type of thing.

        If you’re like me, and your brain is colander on the best of days, this is also a nice way to make sure you have everything in one place when it’s time to re-evaluate.

        Make sure to re-evaluate the diagnosis and results from time to time. Every quarter, report card, or just at the end of the school year are all times that make sense to do this. IEP meetings are only required to be held annually, but as the parent it’s your right to request more, if needed.

        So, what do you do if you think your child has a learning disability? 

        It’s straight-forward- don’t ignore your gut feeling! You know your child better than anyone else. You’ve got the tools you need, now it’s time to be strong and advocate for them!

        Let me know if you’re running into any roadblocks- I’m always happy to brainstorm solutions with people! 

        Related Posts

        How To Motivate A Child or Teen

        How to Motivate a Child or Teen

        Ahhhhhhhhh. Internally motivated kids. That’s the dream, right?

        Because, wouldn’t it be great if your kid wanted to do their chores and clean their room? Or if they would do their homework without you ever reminding them? What if you never had to nag them to practice piano or free-throws ever again?!

        But it doesn’t have to remain a fantasy. You can help your child develop their internal motivation. Which will not only help you, but is an incredibly important part of excelling in adulthood! (So maybe they’ll actually move out one day!)

        But First, What is Internal Motivation? 

        (Ok, bear with me while I geek out for a minute 😋)

        Intrinsic motivation theory (the psychological study for all things related to internal motivation) suggests that people engage in some activities purely for the internal reward. There are things that we do, simply because they’re enjoyable to us. They fulfill our sense of competence, independence and/or connectedness.

        In contrast, external (or extrinsic) motivation would be doing something for a reward outside of ourselves; like praise, money, or fame.

        A kid who is internally motivated does something for the internal reward it brings; a sense of accomplishment, or the sense that volunteering brings them closer to their community, or even the peace that comes from ‘doing their part.’

        Steps for How to Motivate A Child

        1. Figure out what motivates them.

        Sure, you want them to do well in school, but clearly that’s not resonating with them. Look deeper into what’s driving them right now; what psychological need are they trying to fulfill? Are they a kid who loves to learn and will dive deep about topics that are interesting, even if it has nothing to do with school? (Competence) Or are they always trying to find a way to be different from the norm? (Independence) Use that knowledge to reframe why they would want to do well in school.

        2. Help your kid develop their identity.

        You can help motivate a child by assisting them in defining their identity. Use their behaviors that point towards what drives them (the ones you identified in step 1), to help them identify that as part of their identity. “I am a person who loves to learn” or “I am a person who values individualism.” Essentially, here you are helping them define some of their values. And a value-driven personal is functioning on internal motivation.

        3. Find Their “Why”

        We need to figure out why this would be a meaningful task for them to accomplish for themselves, rather than for someone else. Depending on the developmental age of your kid*, this would be an awesome conversation to have. (Usually, the most direct way to these answers is to just ask!)These examples of internal motivation would be a great place to dig in. For example, if your trying to motivate your child in sports, you can help them kid see the difference between practicing their free-throw because they simply enjoy basketball, (or the act of mastering a new skill) or because Coach said they had to practice.

        *Quick Note*

        If you have a kid who hasn’t hit the age of reason or meta-cognition yet (approximately 8ish, but it’ll vary pretty widely) then I would just sprinkle in little sentences throughout the day like, “You seem really proud of the Lego creation you built- I love that you enjoy the process of creating so much!” It may seem small, but after years of hearing how they’ve enjoyed being creative, it’s going to imprint on their brain, and one day that’ll come right back to them, “Oh yeah, I’m someone who loves to create!” That’s when you can help them explore if they like creating new recipes, stories, or even larger projects that are masquerading as homework.

        Once your kid hits tween years, I stop trying to be ‘sneaky’ with this sort of conversation, and just talk to them like their adults. They may not understand or process it all completely on an adult level, but it’s a great way to model conversation, and they’ll appreciate the respect.

        4. How do you motivate an unmotivated child? Find the hook.

        Use those psychological needs that they’re trying to meet, and use those to your advantage. Maybe they’re really working towards connectedness at this moment; some kids balk at homework and studying due to the isolation they feel while they’re doing it. In that case, maybe hosting a study group at your house with kids in their class would help your child do more of their homework during that time?

        5. Use personality quizzes!

        There’s no denying that personality quizzes are fun to take! Gretchen Rubin, of The Happiness Project, developed a whole personality quiz, called the 4 Tendancies , with the specific tagline, “One of the daily challenges of life is: “How do I get people- including myself- to do what I want?” It’s a great resource for learning how to motivate unmotivated kids, utilizing their personality (especially for older kids/teens who have developed a more stable personality).

        Essentially, you’re helping them understand and harness the power of their unique disposition towards why they will do something. According to Gretchen, there are 4 categories of people, Upholder, Obliger, Questioner or Rebel.

        So, for example, if my teenager took this quiz, and it told him that he’s a Questioner, we would understand that his drive to know why is very deep, and he will only tend to do things once he understands the purpose and it makes sense to him. That definitely gives us something to work with when we’re trying to internally motivate a child!

        6. Tie small facts into the process.

        Fun fact- learning small, new, novel facts hits your brain the same way that scrolling Facebook for new information does. It gives us a tiny hit of dopamine, and lights up the reward centers in our brains.

        So, learning tiny, interesting facts is a very rewarding process, (although understanding it as a reward is fairly subconscious). Essentially, it will complete the loop in the brain that says, “I just did something, where’s my reward” without offering an external reward.

        To use this tip, just keep it simple and tell your kid that after they complete whatever task you’re trying to get them to do, you will tell them a fun fact! (Or a weird fact, or a gross fact. You know your kid best. Use this to your advantage.)

        While technically this fact could be about anything, bonus points for making the topic relevant to what they’re working on. (Ie: you want your kid to make their bed every day? Arm yourself with weird bed facts, like that the spring mattress was invented in Germany in 1871)

        Avoid This Trap If You Want to Raise A Self-Motivated Child

        If you want to self-motivate your child, The one thing NOT to do: DO NOT GIVE AN EXTERNAL REWARD! It’s a trap. You think you can reward a task, create a positive association, and then remove the reward. It makes sense. It follows everything we’ve been taught in Psych 101 and that we know about Pavlov and his famous drooling dogs. But I repeat, it’s a trap! (And yes, as a mom of 3 boys, I really want to put a Star Wars joke here. But I digress…)

        What really happens when we reward the completed task is that our children are now working towards an external reward. Things like praise, ice cream, or even gold stars are all external rewards. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what we were going for. It seems like a great short-cut, even like common sense, but the result will be an externally motivated child, not an internally motivated one.

        Now You Know How to Motivate A Child

        These steps will work for whatever reason you have for needing to motivate a child. Whether they need motivated to work on school and learn, or to practice music or sports, these steps are universal. They’ll even help a kid who may seem unmotivated, stubborn, or even lazy.

        The trick is as simple and challenging as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.

        [bctt tweet=”The trick to motivating our kids is as simple- and challenging- as finding what makes our kids tick, and using that to their advantage.”]

        Becoming an adult means doing the hard and unfulfilling tasks, even if you don’t want to. So helping your kid find (and use) internal motivation is a key part to helping them become a successful, independent adult.

        What are you trying to motivate your child to do? Share in the comments below!

        Mom Hacks to Save Time and Make Life Easier

        Mom Hacks to Save Time and Make Life Easier

        Time is short, and one of our most precious resources as parents. The days somehow fly by, and simultaneously drag on forever. What I wouldn’t give for just a few bonus hours to myself per week!

        Which is why we’re lured into the world of ‘parenting hacks.’ We all need any little trick we can to help us find what little time, energy and/or money we have left! But despite that, parenting hacks get a bad rap! Maybe it’s because we all recognize that there’s no short-cut to being a good parent. Which is why I can’t get behind things like, “1 magical thing to say to your kid so they never misbehave again.” We all know there is no such thing as 1 size fits all when it comes to disciplining your kids.

        But when I have more mental energy, time, or money to spend on my kids- guiding them through life becomes so much easier! Being a mom (or dad!) is hard. Especially when you’re raising neurodiverse kids. So, I use any little trick I can to save me time, brain-power, or money, to make being a mom a little easier so I can focus on my kids more.

        Today, I want to share my 5 favorite parenting ‘hacks’ with you. These are small things in my life, that you could implement today, that either save me time, money, mental energy, or some combination of all three.

        Mom Hack #1: Using the Alarm Function on My Phone

        Saves: Mental Energy

        Use the alarm function on your cell phone. I use it mostly for medication reminders. Daily for vitamins and probiotics, but also for antibiotics when they get sick. I’ve used it for doctor appointments I thought I’d forget, and even picking up my kids, too!

        Mom Hack #2: Cladwell 

        Saves: Time (and maybe money)

        I believe very strongly in the “look good; feel good” philosophy. As moms, we deserve to treat ourselves better than to just throw on an old stained shirt and some sweats. You also never know if you’ll be running to the ER that day, so you might as well get dressed! My kids are always 6 inches or 6 seconds away from a disaster, and I learned the true importance of getting dressed everyday when I had to rush my oldest son to the hospital in a pajama shirt when he was 6 weeks old!

        Cladwell makes it super easy for me to look pulled together, using what I already own (there’s the saving money part!) because they put the outfits together for me. I just input the clothes that are in my closet while watching Netflix- I think it only took 1 or 2 nights. And then they help you identify your own style! Using Cladwell has helped me save a ton of time, too! No more staring at the closet thinking, “I have nothing to wear,” then followed by time-wasting window shopping online. And bonus- I usually plan my clothes for the whole week, so I always know that what I want to wear will be clean! (You know, until my kids put their jam-hands all over me!)

        I’m not someone who really dresses ‘up’, but something about a good jeans/tee/jacket combo can make me feel like I can conquer the world. And let’s face it, some days, you need every boost to your attitude you can get!

        Mom Hack #3: Getting up an hour before the little ones 

        Saves: Time and Mental Energy

        I am not a morning person. Anyone who has ever lived with me knows that. I need a solid half-hour after I wake-up to become a human other people want to be around. So, if I wake up at the same time as my kids, I am immediately playing defense. (I’m pretty sure it was Rachel Hollis who introduced that idea to me, but man does it resonate!)

        When I wake up at the same time as them, or worse, when they wake me up, I immediately feel like I’m behind. When you’re raising a neurodiverse kid, it can feel like very few things are in your control. So having one hour of my day when I get to drink hot coffee, and fuel my mind and body with positivity (scripture, light exercise, writing, setting my intention for the day, etc.) puts me WAY ahead of the proverbial 8 ball for the day.

        Mom Hack #4: Instacart

        Saves: Time, Money and Mental Energy

        This. Is. A. Game. Changer. Not to brag, but I have not taken my kids on a giant grocery run in over a year. And I cannot understate how big of a deal that is. You know how tight time is, and how grocery shopping never seems to fit into that schedule! And then how kids always manage to get sick on the day you were planning to grocery shop, or how they start having a meltdown in the store because the right brand of crackers isn’t in stock this week. I’ve completely avoided that for 6 months!

        I’ve even started scheduling groceries to come during nap time so that I can get food put away before the vultures dive in! I literally recommend Instacart to every mom, but if you have kids who have challenging behaviors, or are sick frequently, or who need to stay inside during RSV season, or extra things that make getting to the grocery store an extra hardship, you NEED to try Instacart. If you don’t live in an area with Instacart, I highly recommend trying grocery pick-up through your nearest store, or you can even try Amazon Fresh which will also do grocery delivery.

        Full disclosure- I work with a very tight grocery budget. Like, $4/day per person. For all meals and snacks. And I know some people hesitate with Instacart because it feels expensive. Personally, I’ve been able to keep the budget better under control with Instacart. When you see your list before you order, you can play around with things and really consider what you need and find swaps, etc. to get your grocery bill to the right amount for you. That way my budget is in check, every time.

        Mom Hack #5: Buckle Protector

        Saves: Time and Mental Energy

        This is one tool I keep in my car in case of an emergency. Some kids like to pull the whole, “I’m going to unbuckle myself while you’re driving” as a power move. Which is dangerous and infuriating.

        The first time my kid tried this move, I was caught off-guard, and super-unsuccessfully tried using a blanket to wrap him to his chair. Like I said- it didn’t work. We slowly and carefully drove the 1 mile home with an unbuckled and very out of control child in the backseat. It was nerve-wracking.

        The buckle protector is a small little device I just put over the stationary part of the buckle when I need, and it blocks kids from pressing the red release part down. (You can release it by using a popsicle stick that they provide, or a thin key.) We’ve tried it with the child-restraint engaged on the seat belt, and my kids couldn’t slip out from underneath, either. No more waiting for a half hour for your kid to stay buckled, and no more stress about them being unsafe! It’s a great tool to have around when kids can’t resist their impulses.

        Mom Hack #6: Freezer Meals

        Saves: Time and Money

        Freezer meals have saved me serving cereal for dinner every night during several stressful times! Like when I headed back to work after the birth of our 2nd kid, or when my husband was working 6 days a week, and going back to school. Time every evening is at a premium. And I didn’t want to spend it in a hot kitchen yelling at the boys to stop tormenting each other.

        Just having something in the freezer that could be ready to eat in an hour or so is amazing. And then you add in the time benefits from making your meal in bulk? I’m sold! There are a couple different options that I’ve tried- like Once a Month Meals, and mini-freezer meal plans from different websites (like this one from Pinch of Yum).

        Lastly, I’ve been loving Kelly’s recipes on the Family Freezer. I especially love her style because it’s ‘dump and go’ which means very quick meal prep. She uses a lot of frozen veggies and canned goods to make it much much quicker. They’re healthy, and she even makes the darn grocery list for you! And there are a bunch of options to get started for free, instead of paying a monthly membership. It doesn’t get much better than that!

        Since one of the challenging behaviors we deal with at our house is extreme picky-eating, I tend to choose meals based on how I can ‘deconstruct’ them. So, for example, spaghetti with meat balls and green beans is a win, because one kid can have plan spaghetti. The other can have spaghetti with marinara, and then the rest of us can have a nice balanced meal. Casseroles and soups are a great example of something that generally doesn’t work for this tactic.

        Using These Mom Hacks to Help Manage Kids with Challenging Behaviors

        The greater bandwidth you have, the easier it is to remain patient and use all the other tools at your disposal to help your kid. You can be more present when everything else is under control. One of the greatest struggles with challenging behaviors is that we don’t always know when they’ll strike. There’s always an ebb and flow, whether it’s measured in months or hours. Using parenting hacks is the alternative to letting everything fall apart when your kid demands your full attention.

        I’d love to hear what other parenting hacks help you save time, money or energy while helping your kid with challenging behaviors! Share in the comments below!

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        How to Make Bath Time Fun!

        How to Make Bath Time Fun!

        Are you in search of a few quick, easy ways to make bath time fun? And do you need those answers, like, yesterday?

        I get it! Some kids HATE bathtime. Maybe they struggle with Sensory Processing Disorder, maybe they have a phobia of the bath, or other anxiety about water, maybe they’d rather just keep their well-earned filth on them. Who knows! (Actually, you probably do!)

        But that doesn’t mean they don’t eventually neeeeeed a bath. And it is truly exhausting when it reaches that point. 30 minutes of screaming and crying, and you’re remembering some history book that said people 200 years ago got a bath once a year. Your kid would live, right?

        But it might not have to be this hard. I have some great ideas to make bath time more fun for even the toughest customer, so keep reading!

        Ideas To Make Bath Time Fun

        1. Bath Fizzes

        Whether it’s homemade bath bombs, or the little fizzes, these will definitely distract your kid long enough to get them washed

        2. Bath Crayons

        Because when else are they allowed to draw on the wall?!

        3. Water Toys

        There are a bajillion bath toys on the market. Find one that’ll peak their interest! Also, anything can be a bath toy as long as it’s not electric, or maybe wood. We’ve definitely taken favorite plastic super-hero toys in the bath under the pretense that the Avengers needed a good washdown, too.

        4. Glow sticks

        This is a really cool bath idea! Grab a pack of glow sticks, turn off the lights in the bathroom (maybe keep a nightlight on for safety) and watch your kid become mesmerized by the neon lights!

        5. Bath Foam

        Or you can just use shaving cream.

        6. Fun Bath Time Music

        Nothing turns it into a party faster than some good music!

        7. Rewards for getting clean without crying!

        If your kid knows they can earn a special show or book, or a small treat, or whatever, they might just start asking for bath time!

        Ideas to make bath time fun for kids with sensory processing disorder or anxiety

        8. Check your water

        This may require a bit of experimentation, but try the bath at different temperatures to see if that helps your kiddo adjust to bath time better.

        9. Change washcloths

        Maybe your kid needs more or less bumpy. Some kids can’t handle the soapy feeling, and others the roughness of a washcloth.

        10. Avoid unsupported head-tilting

        Head tilting may be hard-  because it involves the vestibular sense- so you could try washing hair in the sink. (And then rest their head on a propped-up collander if they would feel more secure that way.)

        11. Sponge bath

        Have them sit in a plastic kids chair and do a sponge bath if they can’t sit in water

        12. Gradual is key

        Let them sit in the water as you start the tub so they can gradually get used to the sensation of water. If they have a phobia of water, this may help them feel more confident that they can control how much water is going in.

        13. Wear a swim suit

        If you have a kid who’ll go swimming, but not take a bath, break out the swim suit!

        14. Try a suds-free shampoo

        That soapy sensation from most typical shampoos may be too much to handle, depending on the child. Some love it, some really don’t.

        15. Take less (or more) baths

        Reduce or increase the amount of bath times as needed! Some kids need repeated exposure to feel more comfortable, and others need less. Kids who have started edging towards puberty don’t need to bathe as often as we may think. It’s very unregimented, but try just washing when they’re dirty or smelly.

        How To Make Bath Time Fun For Kids Who Hate Getting Their Hair Washed

        16. Use A Focal Point

        Put stickers on the tub for kids to focus on and look at so you can get different angles of their hair washed/rinsed

        17. Swimming goggles/ear plugs

        For a lot of kids, getting water in their ears or eyes is a deal-breaker. Yes, the swimming goggles complicate hair washing. But just imagine having bath time with NO screaming!

        18. Hand-held shower attachment

        Using a hand-held shower attachment is another option for a more controlled way to wet and rinse the hair to try and avoid the eyes and ears.

        19. Empty shampoo bottle

        These also have a small opening for a more controlled pour

        20. Let kids be in control

        See if your kid wants to be in charge of at least wetting their hair. Being in control may be a great way to help make bath time for fun for a toddler, and make it less stressful for them. (and you!)

        21. Cover their face during hair washing

        I have to credit my husband for this tactic that works like a charm in my house. We start with 2 hand-towels, and let our son hold a dry towel over his face while I pour the water over his head, and I help check that his ears are ‘plugged’ with the towels, too. Then we use another dry, fresh hand-towel to hold over his face while we rinse.

        22. Focus on Play Time

        Just let them play in the bath every other time (unless your kid is super dirty) and save the washing for next time! Nothing will make bath time more fun than just being allowed to play! Also, this will help identify where you’re real problem is: the feeling of water, or of being washed.

        23. Avoid unsupported head tilting

        I know it’s already above, but in case you missed it, head tilting may be hard-  because it involves the vestibular sense- so you could try washing hair in the sink. (And then rest their head on a propped-up collander if they would feel more secure that way.)

        24. Inflatable bath pillow

        This is in the same vein as the last tip, but it might help your child feel more secure if they can lay down flat in an inch or two of water and have their head on a pillow while you wash their hair.

        Bonus tips to make bath time fun!

        25. Try a shower If bath time just isn’t working out, try giving your kid a shower!

        Turn it on low water pressure and let the water fall down. A little ‘verbal judo’ (because with kids, it’s ALL about the marketing), and your child could play in a “waterfall” instead of having to take a bath.

        26. Wear swim suits and make it a party!

        This is more of a temporary solution, but if you can get your kid into the shower or tub, and help them have a positive association with it, I’d call that a win!

        How to develop your own tactics to make bath time fun for your child

        Any time you need a solution, it’s always critical to pinpoint the problem. Honestly, the best way to do that is to be a scientist and run mini science experiments on your kids. It’s WAY more harmless than it sounds. Just change one thing at a time, and watch for any differences.

        Make notes as you go, and remember, even if you find that one change doesn’t work for your child, that’s still progress! Learning is always a step forward! And we all know that parenting isn’t easy. But through trial and error, you’ll find what works!

        If you’re in need of more practical parenting tips, encouragement and support, make sure to sign up for the newsletter below.

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        34 Printable Journal Writing Prompts for Kids

        34 Printable Journal Writing Prompts for Kids

         

        Journal Writing Prompts for Kids

        Personally, I love journal writing. I’m a sucker for a pretty, new journal with fresh pages full of possibility. And in my busy days, taking the time to write feels like a luxury. But mostly I love how things I didn’t even know about myself always seem to come rolling off the tip of my pen.

        I want to give that gift to my kids, too. Self-reflection is a tool that will serve them for the rest of life! And it’s a key step to improved mental health!

        But I’ve tried giving them blank paper, with vague instructions like, “Just write about your day, or whatever you want!” The writer’s block sets in almost immediately.

        Making Journaling Fun

        Kids thrive on structure. We all know this. So when I step back to think about it, I was setting them up for failure with such open-ended instructions! They needed guidance; parameters.

        This is where journal writing prompts for kids come in. With a little structure, kids feel safe and can really open up their imagination and have some fun with this!

        34 Free Printable Journal Writing Prompts for Kids:
        There’s more where that came from! A whole ‘nother page of great questions to get kids journaling!

         

        How To Use The Printable Journal Writing Prompts For Kids

        It’s pretty straight forward. You just print them out! I’ve given you two options. The first download is pretty and lovely, but the second is meant if you would like to cut the prompts into strips and glue them down into a composition journal. Or you could just use the first printable and tuck it in the front of the journal.

        You can use these writing prompts to encourage kids to journal by themselves daily, or weekly. I think the weekly set-up is nice; it still fits into a routine, and is relatively frequent, but not so often that your kid feels like they’re getting bashed over the head with it. If your kid has never had a diary or journal before, I would highly recommend a weekly practice.

        Using The Writing Prompts for A Parent-Child Journal

        You could choose to do a parent-child journal with them. These writing prompts were designed to work beautifully in mommy & me type journals! As the parent, you can choose if you’d like to answer the prompt about yourself, or if you’d like to steer it back towards your kiddo.

        Prompts like, “What are the 3 best things about you” lend themselves nicely to writing about your kid. While other writing prompts, such as, “If you had 1 superpower, what would it be?” are a nice opportunity for your child to get to know you better.

        Make sure to grab a copy of these journal prompts for your kid! 

        If you want to start journaling with your kid, but just handing them some journal writing prompts seems a little too free-wheeling, you may want to read this for a little more guidance!

         

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        6 Creative Punishments for Cursing

        6 Creative Punishments for Cursing

        Are there any alternatives to washing a kid’s mouth out with soap when they swear or use bad words?

        Well, gosh, thanks for asking! Of course there are! As  parents, we just need to get creative with the punishments we’re using when kids curse.

        So, let me underscore this. You are better at parenting than to resort to an ‘easy’ tactic like washing a kid’s mouth out. It’s easy because it’s the gut reaction for you. Your kid swore at you. You’re a human- of course you’re upset!

        But washing their mouth out with soap (or using hot sauce, or whatever spray) doesn’t teach the lesson not to swear. It teaches the lesson that you are still bigger and scarier and (for the time being) can physically overpower them.

        So let’s find some alternatives to washing kid’s mouth out with soap; it’s dangerous, and it’s a gray area of child abuse. At best, it’s ineffective. At worst, it’s traumatic.

        Keep reading after I give you some ideas about creative punishments for cursing because it’s also important to address swearing with prevention, and monitoring your reaction in the moment. But we’ll start with the consequences- because that’s what you’re here for!

         

        5 Creative Punishments for Cursing

        I want to give you a word of guidance about selecting a punishment for cursing for your child. The key to coming up with punishments or consequences is to find one that you can and will follow-through on. So, you need to find one that’s not a burden to you. If you find yourself reading through these thinking, “I’d never be able to get them to do that!” I would encourage you to keep looking and brainstorming until you can figure out what will work best for you.

         

        1. Write a letter/poem/creative writing piece about the positive aspects about whatever they were swearing at 

        So, if they saying, “I f***ng hate school” then they’d need to write something about the positive aspects of school. This exercise will help them learn to see that there’s  good in everything if you look hard enough.

         

        2. Do something kind for that person, or a good deed for the day if it was general swearing

        Why is using bad language such a problem in the first place? Partly, because it can be very hateful. This one is especially poignant for a kid who curses at you. If your son or daughter calls you a bitch, then they have to do something nice for you. It could be up to you to choose; if they’re old enough, they could make dinner that night. Or you could let them surprise you with something nice.

        3. Have them brainstorm more creative non-swear words they could use next time

        There’s a common belief that cussing indicates a person has a limited vocabularly, and limited intellect. This study put that to the test, and found reason to disagree with that long-held belief. But why use cuss words when there are excellent words like, “curmudgeon” “flibbertigibbet” and “abhor.”

        4. Ask your kid what they would do/what consequence they think they might deserve

        If you really want to watch your child squirm, this is the creative punishment for cursing you’ll want to use. Kids typically inflict a much stronger consequence on themselves than you would have. Which can leave you smelling like a rose if you impose a lesser punishment after their suggestion.

         

        5. “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

        You can lock down their email, social media, phone, etc. You may have to change the wifi password, or physically take their phone/tablet/computer for this. The point would be to remove the privilege of speaking to other people. Yes, this is pretty much like grounding, but the phrasing and reasoning sets the tone for the punishment to fit the crime a little better. Depending on the severity, you could choose for this to last for an afternoon, or a week. You’ve got the power!

         

        6. Have them create something pretty

        This ties in nicely with punishments 1 and 2. The other half of the problem with cussing is that it’s ugly and offensive (in addition to potentially being hateful.). We addressed the hate part by giving the consequence that your son or daughter practice kindness and learn to see the good in things. We’ll address the problem of swearing being ugly by requiring your kid to create something to beautify the space. Go with their strengths here- it could be a song, could be a craft, it could be cleaning or organizing. Use whatever particular skill set makes most sense.

         

        Prevention: How To Stop Cussing Before It Starts

        This, of course, is the gold standard- preventing the need to come up with creative consequences in the first place!! Here are a few quick tips.

        • Watch your own language.
        • Monitor your kid’s peers. Telling them they can’t be friends with Mason will probably backfire; but you can fill their time with other positive activities and people to limit the amount of time they can hang out with Mason.
        • Proactively discuss foul language with your kid. Giving them the time and space to ask questions about what words actually mean will take some of the mystique out of swearing. If they seem hesitant to start the conversation, dive in first and start with something on the tamer end. Like defining that the word ‘shit’ just means ‘poop.’ It might encourage them to open up if they see you discussing these words with a straight face.
        • Monitor their social/media intake. When your kid swears at you, your first reaction is usually anger. The second reaction is “I have NO idea where they learned that from!” And if you generally feel comfortable with friends and the people they’re around, you probably need to take a good look at what they’re watching. YouTube is a minefield, but so can anywhere your kid thinks they’re operating out of your view. Make sure you know what they’re up to online, and what they’re watching on TV.

         

        Reacting to Your Kid Swearing

         

        Stay calm

        Reacting in a big way reinforces that this is a way for your kid to get attention. Whether it’s blowing your top, or giggling, this isn’t helpful if your aim is to stop your kid from swearing. The best thing to do is remain as neutral as possible while you tell them this isn’t okay.

         

        Decide if cursing is something you want to punish

        For some families, swearing isn’t a huge deal. And there’s an interesting argument that cursing is the last step to mastering a language. You might feel that this is developmentally appropriate, and just needs to be reined in. Maybe some places or words are OK in your family (see considerations for kids kids with ADHD, ODD, IED etc.) Figure out where you and your partner stand on this, and if this is a battle you want to fight.

         

        Choose a punishment that fits the crime

        When your kid cussed, was it experimentation? Does your kid actually know what the word means? Or, was the foul language meant to be hateful? Those are 3 different behaviors, and they need 3 different types of consequences.

         

        (Everyone) calm down before enforcing any of the creative punishments for cursing.

        Once your kid has their anger under control, the punishment will be more effective. And (bonus!) enforcing the consequence will be easier for you. Also, you’ll feel better knowing that you didn’t end up parenting out of anger, so you don’t have to go to bed tonight with a knot in your stomach!

        This is probably the best thing you can do if you are trying to find alternatives to washing your kid’s mouth out with soap. Because, when you’re stressed and angry, cortisol floods your brain and you aren’t thinking clearly. But if you give yourself a chance to cool down you’ll be able to find a consequence for cussing that actually makes sense. The easiest way to accomplish this might be to send your kid to their room while everyone takes a beat.

         

        Considerations for kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), ADHD, Autism and more

        If your kid has ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, or any number of learning disabilities, mental illness or special needs you already know that the typical discipline ‘rules’ need a little tweaking to make sense in your family. So, here are some special considerations about implementing creative punishments for cursing

        • Avoid complicated rules about swearing. Generalization and learning social situations and impulse control is hard. Don’t over complicate it. You’re not being too strict of a parent if you tell a 12-year-old “no swearing, ever, anywhere.” You’re keeping the rules simple and easier to remember. You’re setting them up for success.
        • Monitoring their intake is even more important. If your kids don’t know bad words, then they can’t say them. But I know, that ship has already sailed if you’re here.
        • Teach kids to express anger in safe ways. Kids with ODD and IED are going to need a safe place to explode, so if you hear cussing while they’re in their room raging, it’s probably not worth the fight to address it.
        • Don’t give a consequence for something that happens during a rage if you can help it. Your kid was out of control when they were acting that way, so you’re better off dealing with the root cause of the meltdown than giving a punishment for swearing during it.

        You may already know from experience that ADHD and foul language often go hand in hand. If you’re finding that your child is having a hard time controlling themselves and their language, I would recommend some additional reading on impulse control and self-control:

        Impulse Control Strategies for Kids

        Impulse Control for Teens

        Impulse Activities for Kids: Teaching the Basics

        11 Impulse Control Games You’ll Actually Want To Play With Your Kids

         

        Which of the 6 Creative Punishments for Cursing Will You Use?

        It’s always best to be prepared, so make sure to tuck away one (or two!) of these consequences for swearing in your back pocket for when you need it!

        And make sure to sign up for the weekly newsletter so you don’t miss any of the useful and practical tips I share about parenting kids with challenging behaviors! 

         

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        Should You Be Starting A Journal For Your Child?

        Why You Should Be Starting A Journal For Your Child

        To answer the question of whether or not you should be starting a journal for your child, let me just bluntly ask you- are you as emotionally connected to your child as you want to be?

        My guess is that you answered ‘no.’ Which isn’t to say that your relationship with your child is horrible. But something good can always be better. Right?

        What parent doesn’t crave that connection with their kid- the real one where you can see the love and warmth in their eyes? It’s what the dreams of pregnant moms everywhere are made of!

        But the reality is usually different than the dream. Some kids just don’t talk to their moms and dads. At least not about the stuff that’s on their heart. So, even if you have a kid that won’t stop talking, you might still feel like you know nothing about them!

        Why Doesn’t My Kid Want To Talk To Me?

        Some kids don’t want to talk because they just don’t feel comfortable expressing themselves. Whether it’s introvertedness, the desire to be private, anxiety that somehow they’ll get the answer ‘wrong,’ or maybe a lack of self-awareness- these kids are what I’d call ‘reluctant talkers.’ They can talk to you; they just don’t want to.

        Other kids just don’t have the language to express it. Maybe your kid is struggling with a speech-delay, developmental delay, auditory-processing disorder, or other information-processing disorder. But whatever the case is, it’s really hard to have a conversation with a kid who physically or cognitively struggles to answer you.

        It makes it really difficult to keep up your enthusiasm to engage with your kids when all they give you is one-word answers- even to open-ended questions! The temptation to just turn back to your phone and give-up asking questions is so strong. But instead of giving up, you’re here! You’re awesome!

        You can start with trying out some of these games to help kids open up and talk to you,  and even add in some journaling to help connect with your kid.

        Journaling for A Better Relationship

        Starting a journal for your child addresses both those problems by a) taking the face to face interaction out of it, and b) helping the kid to feel more comfortable to express themselves without fear of judgment. It also helps them gain language because they have the time to consider what they’re ‘saying.’ This is a great method for kids who prefer to process information slowly.

        Journaling uses one of the less known options to communicate with these reluctant and late talkers- writing! But it can work wonders. There doesn’t need to be a great conversation about whether or not they would like to do this with you. It only takes 3 tiny steps!

        1. Simply pick out an intriguing journal (see the options below). It could even be decorated in some of their favorite colors or characters. Whatever helps!
        2. Then you write the initial entry. Maybe start with a compliment or something you really appreciate about them. Explain that you would love to share this journal, filled with their thoughts about the day, or even just silly stories! Whenever they’re done they can leave it on your bed (or desk, or dresser, etc.).
        3. Lastly, just mysteriously leave it on their pillow. Humans love intrigue, and chances are that your kid won’t be able to help themselves, and they’ll be compelled to open it!

        (New fun, fancy ‘grown-up’ pens never hurt, either!)

        Options for Starting A Journal For Your Child

        1. Journaling back and forth.

        These are things like Mother-Son, Mother-Daughter, or general Parent-Child journals. The ones below all have prompts, so if you’re a little unsure about this process and don’t want to do a ton of prep-work, they would be a great option for you!

        )

        But, you could even start with just a cheap composition journal; less pressure to make it happen.

        2. Letter writing

        If you want to start with a low cost-of-entry, you could try letter-writing back and forth. All you need is paper. And envelopes if you want to get really crazy! Letters might be a format that your kid is more comfortable with. And it not, letter-writing is a dying art that your kid would definitely benefit from learning!

        If you happen to be a crafty type of person, you could even set up a fun mailbox system that might just have everyone in your family writing letters to each other! A cereal box, cut in half and decorated would be a beautiful mailbox! And a fun way to involve your kid in getting the process started.

        3. Comic books

        If you have a kid who may not be a strong writer yet, or just really enjoys comics or drawing, this could be your ticket! You can share true-life stories, or make-up epic tales about brave heroes, or whatever silly stories your child may have in their head! The more you engage with them and follow their lead, the better this process will go. Although this isn’t technically a journal, I love this blank comic book because it gives structure but still leaves TONS of space for creativity.

        General Guidelines for Starting A Journal For Your Child

        1. What happens in the journal stays in the journal (Ie: Respect Their Privacy)

        Don’t talk about what you two have written, unless they bring it up first. So, as much as it might pain you, you can’t talk about the journal over breakfast. But this isn’t a secrecy thing. It’s about giving them a little reprieve from feeling like they’re being interrogated when you ask about their day.

        When you’re first starting a journal for your child, I wouldn’t make an overt confidentiality statement, in case they write something that you truly need to share. For example, as a therapist, times when I’ll break confidentiality include if someone has told me about thoughts of harm to themselves or others. Kids have an acute sense of justice, so if you tell them you’ll always keep everything private, they’ll hold you to that. The best bet here would be to demonstrate that you’ll keep their privacy through your actions, and not promise it with your words.

        2. Avoid Correction At All Costs

        This is not the time to correct their spelling, grammar, or hand-writing. Just let it be. When you cringe about the spelling, just remember the goal of you journaling together is better communication, with the ultimate goal of being better connected with your kid! From their perspective, it’s hard to feel connected when you’re being told you’re doing it wrong. And the purpose of language is communication- so even if the word is wrong or messy, as long as you understood the gist of what they’re saying, they communicated successfully!

        3. Write for your audience

        This refers to both the content, and your writing style. So first, be cautious of what you write. This is probably not the moment to go on a rant about how your boss is a jerk or to vent about your spouse. But personal stories can good- especially if there’s a lesson to be learned. But just be mindful that you’re writing to your kid.

        And depending on your kid’s reading level, you may need to keep the words and sentences short and simple. Lists are a great way to accomplish this if you’re not using prompts. Things like, “5 Reasons I love you” or “The funniest things you’ve ever done” can be good jumping off points.

        4. Have fun!

        This is meant to be a way to connect with your kiddo. So NEVER use it as a punishment or consequence. Try to set a weekly schedule (or figure out a routine – or lack thereof- that works for you!). That way neither of you are racing to get it back to the other overnight.

        Enjoy Your Parent-Child Journal!

        Starting a journal for your child can be a really rewarding journey. You’ll feel better connected, and you’ll be teaching your kid so many important things. (Things we didn’t even touch on in this post, like basic reading and writing skills, emotional intelligence and self-introspection!) So whether you use a simple back-and-forth journal- with or without prompts- or you write letters to each other, or you collaborate on a comic book, I know you’ll have a great time sharing this with your kid!

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        Impulse Control Techniques PDF

        Impulse Control Techniques PDF

        Use the Impulse Control Techniques PDF below to jump-start your kid’s self-control and impulse control skills!

        Although kids with ADHD are most associated with having a lack of impulse control, (and for good reason- it’s a defining factor of the diagnosis!) ALL kids need to develop their impulse control ‘muscles.’

        Impulse control isn’t something that comes naturally to many kids. And it’s something we are still working on as adults! (Think about the last time you walked past the candy jar. Or how many times you can go into Target and ONLY get the things on your list. I’m just saying, the struggle is real.)

        If you’ve noticed that your kid tends to interrupt, has trouble listening to directions, or generally seems to act without thinking, these are all signs of under-developed impulse control. But it’s never too late to help your kids strengthen those impulse control muscles!

        Try Out The Impulse Control Techniques PDF

        This free printable is a great place to begin. You’ll get new ideas for impulse control activities for kids- that you can do today! And you’ll have a place where both you and your kid can learn about how to recognize and label the feeling of impulsivity. That’s a critical step in learning to control impulses


        How to Use the “Impulse Control Techniques PDF”

        You’ll notice there are 2 sections to this printable. The technique we’re using here is stunningly simple, but so effective. First, identify the problem. Second, put actions in to place to improve the problem. So let’s briefly go over each step!

        1. Label and Recognize the Feelings

        The first step here is to call-out and label what impulse control looks like in your kid’s life. By recognizing times when they are good at resisting impulses, and times that they are not, you can help identify their strengths and then carry those throughout the rest of their day.

        2. Activities to Build Stronger Impulse Control Muscles

        Now that they know what that impulsive feeling is, you’ll need to help your kid strengthen their impulse control muscles. Your kid needs a chance to slowly build up these skills. It’s not a light switch; self-regulation and self-control takes time to improve. But you can have fun getting there with these impulse control activities for kids!

        Further Reading

        You might want to check out these other articles about impulse control, ADHD, and ways to make this challenging parenting journey a little more fun!

        11 Impulse Control Games You’ll Want to Play With Your Kids

        ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder

        Impulse Control Strategies for Kids

        Impulse Control Activities for Teens

        How to Teach Impulse Control To Kids

        Impulse Control Activities for Kids: Teaching The Basics

        Start Addressing Impulse Control Today

        If you’ve been concerned about your kid’s impulse control, try starting with the activities on this impulse control printable. Get your FREE download by using the sign-up form below.

        7 Games to Get Kids to Open Up and Talk to You

        7 Games and Activities to Get Kids to Open Up and Talk to You

        I’ve been using games to get kids to open up for over a decade now. And let me tell you- they work!

        It’s pretty much a guarantee that I will ask myself on a daily basis, “How can I communicate better with my son?” (I have 3 boys, so communication always needs to be tweaked with someone.)

        Exhibit A- I used to go in and pick my 4-year-old up from preschool. I’d hear all about his day from the teachers, and find out about what crafts they made or what books they read. Then we would get back in the car to go home.

        “How are you, sweetie? How was preschool? Did you have a good time?”

        “Mom that’s too many questions!”

        That’s literally what my 4-year-old said to me. “That’s too many questions.” 3 questions was too many.

        He’s never been what you might call a ‘talker.’ But I knew right then that this was truly going to be an uphill battle just to stay informed about what was going on in his life.

        And as a family therapist, this drives me particularly nuts. I talk to kids for a living! So I thought I’d have it all figured out with my own kids. HA! Luckily, as a therapist, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. There are LOTS of games to get kids to open up!

        Communication is Key

        True, some kids just don’t like to talk. But that doesn’t mean that we’re free as parents to not communicate with them. In fact, I believe it raises the stakes on the need for communication.

        As a parent, it’s my responsibility to know about the basics of what’s going on in his life. So when he’s four, that means knowing what he did at preschool. I need to know who he’s playing with at free-time, and how he’s getting along with his teachers, and generally what he’s learning so I can help supplement when (or if) necessary. The things I’ll need to know about him will change as he grows and becomes more independent, and as my role in his life slowly shifts.

        I also see it as my responsibility to be the best parent I can be for him. Which means being responsive to his needs and connecting with him. And it’s nearly impossible to connect with a kid (or anyone!) who won’t open up to you! Seriously, if you asked, “So tell me about your day,” and the guy answered, “It was ok,” how long would that date last?!

        Being responsive to our kids is one of the basic measures of being an Authoritative parent. It’s pretty much the gold standard of parenting, and backed-up with lots of research. You might want to check out this article if you want to learn more about Authoritative parenting.

        How Do I Get My Kid to Talk to Me?

        So how do you get your kids to actually talk to you? Fair question. Let’s start by setting ourselves up for success.

        1. Don’t Require Eye-Contact When Talking About Big Things

        Kids can often struggle with face to face conversation, especially if they’re more introverted, have a history of trauma, or have diagnoses like Depression, ADHD, Anxiety or Autism. But it can be tough for any kid to look a parent in the eye, especially when having conversations about ‘big’ things. (Their definition will vary from yours.) So don’t make it a requirement here if you can help it.

        2. Know Their Development

        It’s critical to know what your child is capable of understanding and discussing. Kids with various developmental delays may also have a delay in metacognition (thinking about thinking). So they may truly struggle to answer the question, “What were you thinking about when that happened?” Kids with ADHD will struggle to focus on the conversation for a long period of time.

        Know your kid, and what they’re capable of. If you’re unsure, you can do a quick Google search, or talk to your pediatrician about it. You can get a PhD in child cognitive development, so I can’t even begin to do it justice here.

        Games and Activities to Get Your Kid to Talk To You

        These games are so simple, it’s easy to overlook their power. Some of them are games in the typical sense of the word, and some of these are ways to turn the conversation (or your approach to it) itself into a game!

        1. Try Having a Conversation with Them While They’re in the Car

        This is a time-tested ‘game.’ Chances are that your parents may have even used it on you! Simply starting the conversation in the car takes away your kid’s concern about seeing your reaction when they tell you something. So it’s much easier for them to open up that way!

        2. Don’t Talk About Them

        Start by talking about someone else; take the roundabout path, don’t direct the conversation AT them. Try asking a question like, “I haven’t heard about your friend in a while- how are they doing?” If you let them steer the conversation, starting from a non-threatening place, it might just wind up back where you were hoping. Warning- this option is kind of a long-game.

        3. Talk Over Card Games and Easy Board Games

        Chances are, these are the ones already in your cupboard. You want to choose ones that don’t take a lot of mental bandwidth so that your kid can think about the game AND be able to talk to you still. Board games like Trouble or Chutes and Ladders are great for this. So are card games like Go Fish or War. (These card holders make it so much easier for little hands, or limited fine motors skills to play along!)

        4. Let Your Kid Fidget with Something

        Letting your child fuss with something in their hands while they talk is a great strategy to help kids open up. A fidget, clay, theraputty, or play-doh or can serve two functions. First, it’ll help draw the eye-contact away, which helps with potentially awkward conversations. Second, it helps occupy that impulsive or distractable part of the brain, which means your child might actually be able to attend to what you’re saying!

        5. 20 Questions

        An oldie, but a goodie, for a reason. If you’re really trying to get them to open up about a specific topic, like, how to get your child to talk about school, this is a great game to play. You can start with a broad question- something like, “What was your favorite part of school today?” And if you’re like most parents of reluctant talkers, you’ll get a response of anything from “I dunno” to complete silence. Then, just ask if you can turn it into a fun game of 20 Questions! (Or even 10 Questions depending on their attention and development level!) The best part is that you’ll get collateral information while you’re on your way to finding out the answer!

        6. Turn Dinner Into A Game

        To say that talking to our kids about school is like pulling teeth is an understatement. Our older son is extremely private, and all information is deemed to be either something we ‘should’ already know, or something we don’t need to know. Our other kids are both receiving speech therapy- so I completely understand what it’s like to sit at a table with people who won’t- or can’t- talk to you!

        Using “Dinner Questions” -at least that’s what we call them in our house- has been a really nice way to communicate with our boys. I think there’s something about the fact that the questions don’t technically come from mom and dad that they appreciate. My husband and I take turns answering the questions, too- which I think contributes to the draw of the dinner questions.   (Here’s a link to the ones we have in our home- they’ve been good for an age range of about 4 -5 and older.)

        We also instituted the “Roses and Thorns” (basically, what were the good or bad parts of your day) question at dinner time, which has gone surprisingly well. The four-year-old can’t quite answer such an open-ended question. But the 8-year-old has been really open with us! Even to the point of letting us know about friend troubles I’m confident we never would’ve learned about otherwise.

        7. Using a Mom and Me Journal

        I’m totally saving the best for last here. I absolutely LOVE journaling as a communication tool. And there are so many formats you could use that will help your child open up. It could be as simple as having a composition notebook that you pass back and forth. Or you could use a journal with prompts to get the creative juices flowing. You could choose to write about your days, or write fictional stories together. The options are truly endless!

        Thoughts on Using Games to Get Kids to Open Up

        A kid’s job is to play. The more we ‘gameify’ things, the more we are reaching down to their level to connect. Play and imagination are so real and so necessary to their development that it’s often the best place to find out about what’s really going on in their lives. It’s why there’s an entire branch of therapy dedicated to play! (ie: play therapy)

        So when you use one of the activities or games to help your kid open up and talk to you, you’re sending a signal of unconditional acceptance to your kiddo; that you’ll meet them where they are. Not to mention, you’re also doing some very smart parenting! And when they feel connected to you, and you feel good about your parenting, the communication is only going to keep flowing!

        If you’d like to receive weekly tips, resources and advice about parenting kids with challenging behaviors, please make sure to sign-up for my newsletter below! (And make sure to look out for some great freebies! Because I love a good printable as much as the next girl!)

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        2 Simple Steps To Be A Better Mom

        2 Simple Steps to Be A Better Mom

        Being A Better Mom Can Be Simple!

        Have you ever felt like you just don’t know what you’re doing as a parent? Like you’re just surviving-minute to minute?

        Did you then go down a rabbit-hole trying to find answers? Checking out a bunch of books from the library, and listening to podcasts, and reading as many parenting articles you can handle?

        You’re not alone.

        First, I have so much respect for your dedication to your kids, and your quest to answer the question, “How can I be the best parent?”

        Second, I have really good news for you. There’s no secret, complicated formula for being a better mom! There are really only 2 steps you need to take. And it’s even backed-up by science! It only takes being attentive and having healthy expectations of your kids. Essentially, Authoritative parenting is all you need. Everything else is just gravy!

        What Does Authoritative Parenting Have To Do With Being A Better Mom?

        To boil it down to the quickest definition, Authoritative parenting is when the parent has a balance of high levels of demandingness (i.e. healthy expectations) for their kid, AND a high level of responsiveness (attentive).

        Are There Other Types of Parenting?

        Of course! There are 3 other basic types (as proposed by family scientist Diana Baumrind). They are Authoritarian, Permissive and Neglectful. You can read more about them here in this article about the different parenting styles. But the chart below helps explain the different parenting styles based on the amounts of demandingness and responsiveness, too.

        All of the major parenting styles (like positive parenting, gentle parenting, attachment parenting- you get the picture) rely on you becoming an Authoritative parent. So, by just focusing on the basics, you can skip the confusion, become an awesome mom, and actually parent according to your own gut-instincts and personality!

        Authoritative Parenting Is How You Can Be A Better Mom

        Of the 4 different parenting types, hands-down, Authoritative parenting has been shown to be the best parenting style for our kids. But don’t believe me; believe the research!

        Kids who are raised with Authoritative parents have much better outcomes in life. They are more resilient, do better in school, are more socially at ease, have higher self-esteem, and they even tend to have fewer cavities!

        “Adolescents who describe their parents as treating them warmly, democratically, and firmly are more likely than their peers to develop positive attitudes toward, and beliefs about, their achievement, and as a consequence, they are more likely to do better at school.” From Child Development.

        Will This Work For Me?

        It’s completely fair to ask, “But will this work to help me be a better mom to my son?” (Or my teen, or my toddler, or my daughter, or my challenging kid?)

        Fortunately, the answer is yes. These 2 steps will help you with every kind of kid, of every age. Because this relies on your understanding of your own son or daughter. And who knows them better than you?!

        As you go through the process and figure out how to become more attentive and implement expectations, think about it in developmentally appropriate ways. A toddler and a teenager need to be treated differently! You can also tailor this to different kids’ needs. Maybe one of your kids appreciates your one-on-one time, but another just needs a good hug. You can use their Love Languages to your advantage here!

        How to Become a More Engaged Parent in 2 Steps

        OK, you’re sold. You need to become a more Authoritative parent. After all, it is the simplest framework I’ve seen for being the best parent. My best advice is to observe yourself and your actual current style. It’d be awesome if you could observe yourself on a good day and a bad day, too. Because that’s when the truth really comes out.

        Observing yourself can be hard, so I’ve included a quick parenting worksheet for you to fill out as you go. Once you know your own tendencies, you’ll know what you need to work on.

        Step 1- Be More Responsive

        (I want to give a quick note before we dive into the list. You don’t have to be physically present to be responsive. If you’re a parent who lives apart from your kid or travels a lot, you can anticipate events in their lives. Maybe you know a big test or event is coming up for them. You can send a note saying good luck, you can call when they get out of school, or you can send them a short video just to say you’re thinking of them. Please don’t believe that you can’t be responsive to your kid’s needs and emotions just because you’re not physically there with them.)

        Here are some examples of ways to be attentive and responsive to your kid:

        • Listen attentively

        • Spend time connecting

        • Respond with empathy

        •  Have fun with them or just be silly

        Authoritative Parenting Requires Balance

        As with anything in life, I would recommend balance. Make sure to let your kid explore on their own, and have independence as well. Your job is to be that safe ‘home base.’ A question you can ask yourself is, “How can I make sure my kid feels heard today.”

        Feeling heard is not synonymous with getting everything they want, though. For example, if your kids ask for ice cream after dinner, and that’s just not in the cards, you can let them feel heard by saying something like, “Man, that would be nice! I wish we could have dessert every night, too!” (Or whatever feels natural to you) But then cap it off by re-stating the healthy expectation that your family doesn’t have dessert every night, it’s just for Fridays/weekends/parties/when you eat all your vegetables/etc. Which is a nice segue to…

        Step 2- How to Be More Demanding

        The word ‘demanding’ can sound pretty harsh. And while it’s one of the two traits measured with the Baumrind Styles of Parenting, it’s not typically a word you’d associate with the quest to be a better mother.

        But- if you rephrase ‘demanding’ with  ‘healthy expectations’ it helps us really get to the point of this parenting characteristic. It’s as simple as being clear about your expectations.

        For example, you can have expectations about things like:

        • Chores

        •  Grades (or better yet, effort at school)

        •  General helpfulness/attitude around the house

        •  Earning privileges

        •  Allowance

        •  Family rules and consequences

        •  Food/healthy habits

        Expectations may show up in your home as established family rules, or even as part of your family values or family culture. Being a better mom to a teen may be as simple as stating, “In this house, we help each other because we love each other.”

        Consistency is Key

        If expectations are a car, being consistent is the engine. These expectations will just sit around, unable to do anything or go anywhere without your consistent attitude about them. Eventually, they’ll sit around rusting out, and going completely unused, and then you’re back where you started.

        Being consistent may look like giving kind but firm reminders of rules. Or just re-stating your expectation that they try their best at school. It may look like a consequence for failing to follow-through (ie: you didn’t complete your chores, so you don’t get screen-time).

        So set yourself up for success when you set your expectations. Be consistent with your core family values and reinforcing your expectations won’t feel like a burden. And try not to put too many expectations in place at once; let it grow slowly with your kid’s abilities.

        After all, that’s the way it naturally happens; you would absolutely have more expectations from a teenager than from a baby. So if you’re starting this process with slightly older kids, give it time for each expectation to sink in and become habit.

        Being A Better Mom Will Require Self-Care

        It’s important to remember that having a day, or a moment when you slip into a different style doesn’t undo all your hard work.

        Absolutely, we all have days when we’re burned out and exhausted, and hope that -somehow- if we just ignore the problem, it’ll go away.

        We all have days when it’s “my way or the highway.” And I promise, there will be days when the temptation to bribe our way to good behavior is strong.

        But we need to recognize that when we slip into these other behaviors, it’s usually because our own reserves and strength and good-reason have run low. It doesn’t mean we’re bad parents- or bad people. If you really want to learn how to be a better mom, it’s going to mean that you need to fill your own cup before you can pour out into anyone else.

        [bctt tweet=”If you really want to learn how to be a better mom, it’s going to mean that you need to fill your own cup, before you can pour out into anyone else.”]

        Action Steps

        We’ve established that the Authoritative parenting style is the simplest path to becoming the best parent you can be. (Oh boy, that sounds hokey. Not any less true, though!)  My hope is that you as you finish reading this, you’re feeling like this is all completely do-able. I want you to be able to parent in a way that you’re being true to yourself, and still providing what your kid needs in a way that feels natural to you!

        But if you feel like there are a few things you could tune-up, here are some steps you can take.

        1. Do the worksheet.

        This will help you lay out your plan. It’s always easier to follow-through if you actually have a plan!

        2. Find one time of day you can incorporate more responsiveness or demandingness (as needed).

        Make a note to yourself about how it went, and if/what you might want to change next time to improve your consistency.

        It’s so important to remember that this isn’t all or nothing. Of course, we are all going to have good days and bad days. There will be times when you slip up and slide back into your more ‘natural’ parenting style. We’re just aiming for a balance of more good days than bad.

        3. Schedule 10 minutes of self-care (at least!) per day.

        An important thing to keep in mind is that the Authoritative style is the most demanding on us as parents. So if you find yourself having more bad days than good, it’s a clear indicator that you are in need of some serious self-care. Please, remember to take a break, and fuel and re-energize yourself so you can come back to your kids refreshed. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Just meaningful.

        The Wrap-Up

        If you really want to be the best parent, you need to honestly assess yourself first. Because in order to grow you need to identify your own strengths, and areas to improve. From there, you can figure out what steps you can take to move over to the Authoritative style.

        If your goal is really to be an engaged mom, then you’ll need to increase your responsiveness/attentiveness. If you’re already a pretty engaged parent and need to round things out, then you can focus on the healthy expectations you have for your kid.

        Download the parenting worksheet from the resource library and let me know- are you naturally stronger in having expectations, or being responsive? Improve your accountability and share what your specific plan is to be a better mom!

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        Self-Care Ideas for Moms with Challenging Kids

        Self-Care Ideas for Moms with Challenging kids

        “STOP SCREAMING AT YOUR BROTHER!!!!” Not one of my better moments. I yelled this at my 19-month-old. He was shrieking, and his brother was just screaming back at him, and they had been doing this since 7 am, and we were in the car, and had just gone to the millionth doctor appointment, and my kid’s school wasn’t working with me, and I had a million things on my to-do list, and dinner still needed to be made, and…and…and… It was one of the moments when you hear everything happening a millisecond too late, and you can’t quite stuff the words back in your mouth in time.

        The Real Cost of Ignoring Self-Care

        Have you ever noticed how we turn into these volcanoes where the more tense things are, the closer to the boiling point we get? Everything just seems so close to the surface. Maybe you cry easier. Or you’re quick to anger. Maybe everything just seems hopeless and you might as well not even try anymore. Me? I yell. It’s not great, but without another outlet, it’s how I end up dealing with the stress. Because when the stress is turned up to 11,  everything and everyone and everything seems to demand your time. You don’t have time to stop and deal with your emotions. Your kids need you, your husband wants your time, the laundry pile is threatening to bury you alive. Work is in its busy season. And on top of that, you need to deal with teacher conferences, IEP meetings, party planning, doctor appointments, and that’s not even including being the shuttle service for all the extra-curriculars. Aaaaaand, your kid’s behaviors have started getting worse. (It couldn’t be because they’re picking up on your stress?! No way!) The worst part is you may even recognize what’s going on, but you know for certain that you can’t stop for something as trivial as yourself right now. Wait. What?!

        Self Care Is Not Optional

        This is not a platitude, or just a pretty quote you see on Instagram. This is a reality of your life. You need to be doing more self-care. I’m sorry if that seems blunt, but this topic is too important to dance around. The harder things get, the more we need self-care. It’s a direct relationship. Unfortunately, the harder things get, the more people need us and the more tasks there are to complete. And it seems impossible to take a step back and just start with checking-in with ourselves to see how we’re handling it all. Which is why we need to be purposeful with our self-care.

        The Dreaded Downward Spiral

        I can make you a promise. You will downward spiral if you don’t do self-care. Say, for instance, you have a bad moment, and you scream at the kids, or burn dinner, or whatever. Your first thought is, “I’m a terrible mom, I can’t believe I did that.” If you have the peace and grace that comes from having taken care of yourself, you’ll be able to nip those negative thoughts in the bud. But if you don’t view yourself as someone worthy of love and treat yourself with care, it will never stop there. You’ll keep going down that slippery slope. It may start with, “I’m a terrible mom.” But it continues with, “I can’t believe I did that again.” And then, “I can never change. I’m just not a good person.” And it could even cap off with something like, “Maybe my family would be better off without me.” It might sound dramatic reading it, but it’s the reality of what the whispers in our mind are just waiting to say to us if we don’t have the power to shut them up.

        The Truth About Self Care

        At the beginning of your journey, those whispers in your mind will still try to tell you that you’re not worth it. That taking care of yourself is selfish, maybe even vain. “Look how you’re neglecting your kid because you took 10 minutes to read a book in the quiet of your room while they’re doing something else.” Those are lies. What is selfish is not giving the best version of yourself to your family. It’s selfish to hold yourself back. Your kids and your spouse? They need ALL of you. And they can only get that if you take care of yourself well enough to keep yourself whole. Practicing self-care impacts more than just how we feel, it impacts how we behave. It’s not just about us.

        Self-care Doesn’t Have to be Hard

        Self-care is not something that needs to demand a lot of your time or money. I’m not talking about the kind of self-care where you go away for a spa weekend with the girls. (Although that does sound great. So, invite me if you’re going?!)

        Self-Care Idea for Mom #1 

        To start, we need to schedule it and plan for it to work into our schedules. Write it in as an appointment with a friend. You wouldn’t cancel on a good friend. So don’t cancel on yourself! If you want to be able to get through difficult times in your life, you need time for self-care. The benefits are basically endless. When you practice exceptional self-care you can root yourself, like a tree. Identifying the things that make you feel rooted leads you back to remembering your why. With enough refueling from self-care, you’ll remember that you are strong enough to handle anything. Because you’ve already come this far! It’ll prevent burn-out, and exhaustion, and give you a nearly endless supply of patience.  And when your roots are deep, no storm can blow you down.

        Self-Care Idea for Mom #2

        Turn it into a habit. Sometimes, self-care ideas aren’t something that are necessarily scheduled. Things like changing out of sweatpants and drinking enough water should probably happen daily. At some point in your life, brushing your teeth became a habit. And now, under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t even consider leaving the house without brushing your teeth. It’s not something you write on your to-do list. (Unless you having one of those days where you’re desperate to check things off!) So, just like with teeth-brushing, when you create a habit, taking care of yourself will just be part of who you are. Not something you do.

        Self-care Idea for Mom #3

        Sometimes, you just need to find a time to get the ‘need-to-do’s’ crossed off your list. AKA, take care of the basics so you’re not drowning in the anxiety of un-done things. Also, nothing ruins some quiet-time like feeling guilty that there are several loads of dishes in the sink. It’s a pet peeve of mine when I hear people say, “Just lower your standards,” or “Learn to let go of some things.” Trust me. As a mom of challenging kids- I’ve let go of a TON! My laundry situation cannot handle a lower bar. Dirty undies are just unacceptable. No matter how overwhelming the rest of your life is. That may mean you have to get creative about when or where these chores can happen. For example, when my kids were very little, when I would fold laundry, I would just put my headphones on while I was in the same room and say “Mom’s out of service right now, I’ll be back in 5 minutes.” That way I could still supervise, but I at least appeared unavailable. The idea was for them to be set-up for success with some project or snack so I could fold laundry in peace. I also moved the location of my laundry folding from my room, to the kitchen table- the better to supervise them. Some days it worked better than others. Starting on April 22, 2019 (Monday) Hands On As We Grow is running an independent play challenge that may help you find those few precious minutes. If you’re interested in learning a few great activities (that don’t require a ton of set-up or materials) CLICK HERE to join the free challenge.

        Self-Care Idea for Mom #4

        Create a plan. If you get a chance to do 5 minutes of self-care, how are you going to accomplish this without a plan?! Self-care doesn’t just happen. You have to make it happen. Hope is not a strategy So, let’s start by asking what used to work for you? Is there a time in your life when you can think of when you were feeling great, or you know that you just kept yourself powered up? Use that! It’s your secret-sauce recipe! If you know that belting out some show tunes or dancing to some early 2000s hip-hop makes you feel incredible, then you already know an amazing secret about yourself. Because if it’s worked in the past, it will work again. Speaking of the past, you can also use your senses to bring you back to a time that was just full of joy, possibility, or just good memories. Find a candle that’s smell reminds you of that time. Or enjoy a glass of lemonade because it reminds you of sunny summer days, even if it’s a cloudy February afternoon. Make sure there are a few pictures of people/places/times that will bring back to happy memories in your house.

        Self-Care Idea for Mom #5

        It’s not always bubble baths and wine. Think out of the box! There are different areas to cover for self-care. It’s not only about having quiet time, or getting a spa (like) treatment. Make sure to address the physical, spiritual, intellectual, social and creative parts of you! Sometimes, it seems like self-care can only be a solo activity. But instead of focusing on just getting some alone time, think about what truly refuels you. For me, it’s laughing with my husband. I’m an extrovert, so alone-time things just tend to make me sleepy. (Or, that could just be motherhood…hard to tell!) The more important thing here is to know what your specific needs are. You are like no one else. So your self-care should be like no one else’s.

        Self-Care Hack: Write Your Owner’s Manual!

        So here’s where the rubber meets the road. I want you to write an owner’s manual for yourself. It’s mostly a tool for you, but you could also share it with your spouse and close friends. It’s up to you! The operating manual will put all these ideas for self-care into one place, and help you recognize what to do when you’re experiencing certain emotions. For example, when I get super sad and everything just seems terrible and like it’ll never change, it’s hard to get out of that funk. But usually it’s pretty easy things that will turn my attitude around. So in my owner’s manual, I write things like, “When I’m feeling down, have I slept enough? Have I eaten? Have I turned on music that pumps me up?” Once I do these things, if I’m not feeling completely better, I’m usually well on my way! If you’re serious about changing your approach to self-care, you owe it to yourself to do this. The process AND the product will both be worth your time.

        Our Kids Deserve For Us To Be Better At Self-Care

        You need to practice better self-care. Don’t become the volcano that explodes and burns everything in its path just because it was the easier thing to do. Trust me. It will take less time to just take care of yourself than it will to clean that mess up. Yes, if you’re raising a kid with challenging behaviors, your life is going to be extra stressful. But that only means you need more self-care. Those challenging behaviors? They’re your explanation of why your volcano runs hot. Not your excuse to be constantly blowing up. You have the tools to practice exceptional self-care.

        • Schedule it.

        • Turn it into a habit

        • Take care of the basics

        • Create a plan to address your physical, spiritual, intellectual, social and creative needs. A great way to get started with this is to create an Owner’s Manual for yourself!

        • Think about what truly refuels you.

        What are your favorite self-care practices? Please share in the comments section!

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        Parenting 101: The 4 Types of Parenting Styles

        Parenting 101: The 4 Types of Parenting Styles

        Getting It Right

        One of my favorite sayings about parenthood is, “There’s no one way to do it right. But there are definitely some ways to get it wrong.”

        We all love our kids, and want to do what’s best for them. But to be honest? Parenting is so much harder than it looked before we actually had kids.

        Hence the constant searching for better, easier ways. Looking for parenting hacks, and tricks and tips.

        So, I have a good news-bad news situation for you.

        First the good news. Parenting hacks are awesome! They’re completely awesome for little things like figuring out how to keep shampoo out of kid’s eyes when I’m washing their hair. (Dry handtowel over the face. Feel free to try it.)

        The bad news? There’s no hacking your way to being a better parent.

        But don’t despair! There’s more good news! The steps are straightforward. We just have to clear out some mental space, and get back to basics.

        The best way to do that is to learn from those who have gone before us. People have been parenting for as long as we’ve existed. It’s kind of why we still exist as a species. So we have the amazing advantage of learning from millennia of parents!

        But since we don’t have a ton in common with our cave people ancestors, or even most of the ancient empires, I’d prefer to bring things a little closer to home. With family research done in the past few decades!

        Family Research on Parenting

        Family research has shown us time and again that there is a way to optimize our parenting to help our kids achieve their full potential.

        Full potential.

        I love that. I’m pretty sure that’s the best we can do for our kids. Period.

        The 4 Types of Parenting Styles

        There are 4 different parenting styles that are supported by family research (full credit- these were originally created by Diana Baumrind). They are Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful.

        They’re defined by the two characteristics of demandingness and responsiveness.

        Demandingness

        Demandingness is having healthy expectations of your kids. If you have high demandingness, your family probably has an established set of rules, chores, and general expectations for your kids. Your kids may feel that a lot is being asked of them.

        If you have low demandingness in your house, your kids may not have a lot of responsibilities, or there’s an attitude of “whatever they can do will be fine.” It may be coupled with a sense of “I don’t care what they do. I can’t change it anyway.”

        Responsiveness

        Responsiveness is essentially whether or not you are emotionally available and present for your kid. If you’re a parent who frequently says things like, “I see that you’re frustrated. Let’s problem solve this,” chances are you’re pretty darn responsive.

        Or you may pay attention to non-verbal cues, and be able to tell their needs, like hunger, sleep, or just the need for a break, by their actions. Those examples would both be of parents with very high levels of responsiveness.

        Low responsiveness may sound like, “Well what do you want me to do about it?” (In a sort of snarky tone.) Or just not noticing when your kid comes home and is looking kinda forlorn; or noticing and doing nothing about it. It could also look like staring at your phone or computer, and not engaging with you kiddo, even if they’re in the same room.

        The 4 types of parenting styles are just the different combinations of low and high demandingness and low and high responsiveness.

        So, let’s dive into the different parenting styles in a little more detail.

        What is the Authoritative parenting style?

        Description: Authoritative parenting is defined as having high demandingness and high responsiveness. In this style, you have healthy expectations of your kid, which are balanced by your responsiveness to their needs. For example, you could have the expectation that they do the dishes after dinner. But you know they’re under the weather tonight, so you give them a pass.

        Pros: Authoritative parenting is pretty much the gold standard of parenting. Hands down, kids have the best outcomes with this type of parenting. That means that in the long-run, kids who were raised with Authoritative parents are:

        • Happier

        • Have less mental health problems

        • Perform better in school

        • Are more independent

        • Have overall good self-esteem

        Cons: There really aren’t any. Unless, maybe, you consider that this isn’t your natural parenting style and it’s something you have to put energy into daily?

        But that doesn’t really seem like a con to me- it just sounds like parenting. Parenting is hard, but it’s important. Why not do it well?

        What is the Authoritarian parenting style?

        Description:

        This style of parenting has very high demandingness, with very low responsiveness. It’s a dictator-like style of parenting. Kids have to do what you say, and you don’t care how it makes them feel.

        Pros:

        You’re going to find a theme that there aren’t a lot of positives from parenting styles that aren’t Authoritative.

        I could dive into a whole point/counterpoint thing about obedience being an outcome of Authoritarian parenting. And it can be. But my personal stance is that it can also be a result of Authoritative parenting, with the benefit of other positives. Yes, kids need to learn obedience to get through life. But there are better ways to accomplish this.

        Cons:

        Kids of Authoritarian parents don’t live in a nurturing world. Having high demands isn’t an intrinsically bad thing. After all, Authoritative parents also have high demandingness. The problem is that there’s no aspect of responsiveness, or warmth, to balance it. Kids with Authoritarian parents may have lower self-esteem, more mental health problems, challenges making connections with others, and do more poorly in school. (FYI- the comparison is always to kids who have Authoritative parents.)

        What is the Permissive parenting style

        Description:

        Parents who have low demandingness and high responsiveness fall into this Permissive style. There are a million examples of this, but one of the best I can think of is from Harry Potter. I’m specifically thinking about the Dursley’s.

        If you’re not familiar with the series, there’s an aunt and uncle who place absolutely no demands on their son, Dudley, and indulge his every whim. As you may expect, Dudley is a bully and the epitome of a spoiled brat.

        This example is pretty extreme, and they would be pretty far out on the spectrum of parenting styles. But I figured it was best to stick with a fictional example.

        Pros:

        Sometimes, at least in western cultures, this can seem like the easy route to take. It’s the path of least resistance. Maybe our kids are whining in the store, so we cave and get whatever they were whining about. (No judgement- we’ve all been there. But it’s a bad habit to get into). When we do things like this, we’re not placing demands on them, like good behavior, but we are highly responsive to their wants (because we’re giving them whatever they’re whining about). It’s not a winning recipe.

        So the pro is that it makes life easier for you as the parent. It’s not a pro for the kid. Weird pro. I was stretching for that one.

        Cons:

        The consequences for parenting with a permissive style is having kids who are entitled, who may have poor self-control, who are less independent, and who lack tenacity and resiliency. They haven’t been raised to be able to problem-solve on their own, and may continue running back to you to ‘fix things.’

        Permissive parenting is such a sneaky style, because it lures us in. We can think that we’re doing the right thing because we’re responding to our kids needs. They’re happy, after all.

        And even low demandingness can sneak up on us, appearing as an attitude of “It’s fine- it’s faster if I just do it myself.” We all know that we could do the tasks we give our kids better and faster. But that’s not the point.

        The point is to place those demands on our kids to teach them critical life-skills. And while they’re learning and growing they get a chance to develop their self-esteem!

        What is the Neglectful parenting style

        Description:

        Neglectful parenting is pretty straight-forward. Low demandingness and low responsiveness.

        It’s pretty easy to think of examples of the extreme of this style.

        So I’d challenge you to think about what it’s like more toward the center of the continuum.

        What if we re-framed this as “Uninvolved” instead of “Neglectful”?

        Neglectful parenting can come around in some benign ways. Maybe you’re crazy busy with work or other things during this season of your life, and you just don’t have time to spend with your kid. It’s possible that you don’t even share the same house as your kid. Or you could be fighting your own battle with mental health. For whatever reason, you are just unable to show up for your kid.

        And because your time of being with your kid- physically or mentally- is limited, it’s easy not to engage. They may have their physical needs provided for, but you don’t have time to either respond to their needs or check that your expectations are being met. Everyone is just coasting. But not in a good way.

        Pros:

        I don’t think I can write a single positive about this one.

        Cons:

        Abundant. This is hands down the parenting style that produces the most negative outcomes for kids. These kids have the worst school and mental-health outcomes. Essentially, they feel unloved and unsupported, and will act out accordingly.

        Examples of the 4 Types of Parenting Styles

        Examples are always a nice way to really see a concept in action. So let’s explore how a parent from each of the 4 types of parenting styles might respond to a typical challenge.

        Please, know there is no judgement here. We can’t run a race until we find the starting line. If you see yourself in any of these examples, just know that’s where your starting line is!

        Let’s pretend that you’re getting ready to make dinner. You’ve just told your kids you need 20 minutes to put everything together, so you need them to play nicely together without you until you call them for dinner.

        No less than 5 minutes later- while your hands are covered in chicken (of course!)- they start screaming. The older one is bossing the younger one, and the younger one is literally just shrieking. You think you hear that they’re fighting over a toy. Again. (I should also establish in this scenario that they are actually old enough that the expectation they play together for 20 minutes without your intervention is developmentally appropriate.)

        Neglectful parent:

        You feel completely irked that you’re trying to make dinner –for them– and they can’t even follow one simple request. You turn up your music or podcast louder, and figure they’ll just work it out between themselves. You are not getting involved in this one.

        There was no follow-through on the demand that they get along, so that was low demandingness. And obviously the choice to turn up the speakers was a choice to not be responsive to their needs.

        Permissive:

        You sigh. It was nice hoping that they could entertain themselves, but you didn’t really think it work out. You wash your hands off right away, and go up and separate the kids. You listen to each kid attentively, give each one a hug, and ask if they would like to come over and watch tv instead while you get dinner ready. You’re pretty sure they’ll like that better, and it’ll still buy you time to make dinner.

        You were responsive to their needs, but also lacked any follow-through on the request to get along for 20 minutes, so there was a low level of demandingness.

        Authoritarian:

        You walk over to your kids, yell at them for not being able to play together even for just a few minutes. You grab the toy, and take it with you, saying, “If you can’t share it, no one gets it.”

        In this example, note that there was not a moment when you tried to understand the scenario and what was going on (low responsiveness). You were focused on the rule-breaking (high demandingness).

        Authoritative:

        You listen carefully for 2 more minutes. You know in the past they’ve worked things out before. It becomes apparent to you that the situation is escalating, and they are not going to do that this time.

        You wash your hands off and go to your kids, calmly. You ask for each kid’s perspective, and essentially find out this is a sharing problem. The younger one grabbed the toy, the older one grabbed it back, and is now refusing to share (and is giving a diatribe about why s/he shouldn’t have to). You help them calm down and ask each of them how they could’ve handled the situation better. You give them the chance to apologize to each other, and then calmly- but firmly- enforce the consequence for screaming at their siblings/not sharing. You then return to making dinner.

        Which parenting style is the most effective?

        Hopefully, by now it’s obvious that the answer is, emphatically, Authoritative.

        Kids with Authoritative parents have the best outcomes. There is a balance between having expectations placed on them, so they have the opportunity to grow and develop self-worth. And the knowledge that home is a safe place to land. A kid with these sort of advantages couldn’t help but grow to their full potential!

        But it can also be the most challenging of the 4 types of parenting styles for the parent to master. In the examples, you may have noticed that there was no easy way out for the Authoritative parent. The other parents went to their kids (or not) and dealt with the problem quickly. In order to maintain the Authoritative parenting style, that mom will need some exceptional self-care skills.

        The Wrap-Up

        So now you know the basic parenting styles, and that there are really only two factors you need to measure your parenting with. Responsiveness and demandingness. It’s really as basic as that!

        So take another look at the examples, and see if you can figure out which areas you might need to work on.

        Let me know in the comments which of the 4 types of parenting styles you naturally gravitate towards! What steps do you take to move towards being a more Authoritative parent?

        And make sure to sign-up for our weekly(ish) newsletter so you can be on the lookout for our upcoming articles about self-care, and raising your levels of demandingness and/or responsiveness.

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        My Problem with Positive Parenting

        My Problem With Positive Parenting

        I have a confession. In high school, I was not a cool kid.

        Maybe you can relate?

        I did NOT wear the ‘right’ kind of clothes, or have the right ‘look’. I didn’t wear brand names, I didn’t look like I effortlessly rolled out a catalog. (Not that clothes were going to help me! I played trombone and was in drama- not exactly a recipe for a cool kid. In retrospect, I wouldn’t change it. But, I digress.)

        There was always this little voice in the back of my head, “If you just had a shirt from that store in the mall that doesn’t even carry your size, you’d look better.” “Why don’t you wake up a half hour early to do your hair? People would like you more!” And so on.

        This voice made me feel like if I could look like everyone else, that would be my armor. I would have more friends. It would make me a better person. And maybe I would like myself more.

        I know I wasn’t the only one.

        The Branding of Parenting Advice Is Doing the Same Thing to Us

        Now that we’re all grown up, there is a different type of peer pressure.

        We’ve only traded one thing for another. Raising our kids was already a monumental task- but now there’s the peer pressure to look good doing it!

        It’s human nature to look around and compare yourself to the people around you. For better or worse.

        And a lot of what we see when we look around right now looks like parents who are caving to their kids. Moms are suddenly reluctant to say “no!” and have jumped on the Positive Parenting band-wagon.

        So, naturally, because there’s always that little piece of the high schooler lingering in all of us, we start wondering if that’s what we should be doing, too! Nevermind that it’s completely opposite our personality. How quickly we forget that fit is everything.

        What Does “Positive Parenting” Mean?

        Just so we’re clear on what I’m talking about, Positive Parenting is a set of beliefs and tools about how to parent your kid. Instead of just choosing your own, it’s kind of like a gift set.

        The focus is on developing a strong relationship between the parent and child, fostered by communication and mutual respect. The goal is to ultimately train kids to have self-discipline, through teaching them the ‘why’ (and not just “because I said so”).

        3 of the main tenets of Positive Parenting are that 1. Rules and consequences are laid out, discussed often, and followed through. 2. Parents focus on helping children internalize discipline, rather than obey orders based on fear of punishment, in order to develop self-discipline. And 3. Parents use active listening to understand children’s thoughts. This allows parents to correct misunderstandings or mistaken links of logic. (This is all essentially quoted from this reference.)

        So What Is My Problem With Positive Parenting?

        Honestly, everything I just described is a good thing! So you might think I’m crazy to have any problem at all with it.

        But accurately utilizing Positive Parenting is challenging. These tenets and goals are really really hard tasks to accomplish, and take a lot of training for the parent to get it right.

        You need to question if you’re willing to train properly for this, otherwise you’ll be practicing some sort of off-brand of positive parenting, which is likely to do more harm than good.

        And there’s also the question of whether or not these tenets actually align with our values. I’ll be straight with you. There’s a certain level of “it’s my way or the highway” in my house. I need my kids to practice obedience quickly and without a discussion. It’s not for everything, but it’s an example of a value that would bump up against the values that Positive Parenting assumes you have.

        You know what happens when you put on jeans that are all wrong for your body type? Everything hangs out in the wrong place, and you end up doing that weird wiggly dance to make them sit right?

        When you choose a parenting brand to follow because it pops up on your Pinterest feed, and everyone else is doing it- NOT because it aligns with your personality, goals and values- you’re doing the same thing.

        The Dangers of Positive Parenting

        It’s not just Positive Parenting. It’s all the different ‘brands’’ and labels for parenting that I have a problem with.

        There’s not anything inherently wrong with them, but from my perspective, as a family therapist and a mom, I’m concerned they do more harm than good.

        There are a lot of ‘should’s’ and pressures that parents put on themselves to become the ‘ideal’ parent.

        And that’s even before we’re surrounded by a lot of well-meaning people who are saying, “Hey, this brand of parenting worked for me- everyone else should do it too!”

        I’m concerned when I see articles like “What to do when positive parenting is just too draining” start popping up all over the place.

        It breaks my heart to think of all these moms who are trying their best and BELIEVING that they’ve failed!

        The Shaming

        Although it is unintentional, these brands have contributed to the shaming of parents, and made them feel less-than. This can happen either because you’ve tried X Brand of parenting, and it didn’t work for you. Or you spent so much time trying to make yourself (a square peg) fit in the round hole that it made you feel like you’ve failed as a parent.

        Or maybe you haven’t ‘officially’ tried any of these styles. But you’ve quietly asked yourself, “If I’m not doing Attachment Parenting, does that mean I’m not attached to your child?”

        If you’re not a positive parent, are you automatically considered to be a negative parent? If you’re not doing all these things, does it mean you’re harsh, or disconnected, or unresponsive?

        NO! There is danger in those labels.

        THESE ARE YOUR PARENTING TOOLS

        Attachment parenting, peaceful parenting, positive parenting, gentle, mindful, connected, etc. parenting. These are all just different sets of tools that you can use. They are not something to build your worth as a parent around. They don’t have to define you.

        If you were going to build a deck, you’d need a different set of tools than if you’re going to fix a car. Each kid is a different ‘project’ and is going to require slightly different tools.

        You, as the builder, will also have certain preferences for tools; maybe you prefer metal tools, or a plastic grip-y handle, or even a pink handle! Each parent is the same; you have individual preferences which need to be reflected in the tools you choose.

        DO THE DIFFERENT BRANDS OF PARENTING EVER HELP?

        In short, of course they can. BUT-these different brands of parenting are not a one-size fits all thing.

        One of the greatest impacts on success (whether it is for a medication trial, or therapy, or pretty much anything else) is whether or not you believe it will work. Essentially, it’s the placebo effect.

        So, if you head into any of these brands thinking they will change your life, it probably will. But if you head into it feeling skeptical or unsure, odds are that it will not work for you.

        I’m not saying these styles don’t have worth. They do. And if you combined all of them, there’s no telling how many millions of kids and parents they have helped.

        If you are part of the many, many people who find value in these parenting styles, as Amy Poehler would say, “Good for you. Not for me.”

        But rest assured, it’s not for everyone. And there’s nothing wrong with you if you tried, and it just didn’t work.

        If you are wondering if you could just naturally parent, without having to overthink it, read on.

        The Good News

        You don’t have to be a follower of any of the particular brand to be a good parent. It’s not the only way. (And, you don’t have to adhere to a particular ‘brand’ in full- you are allowed to borrow the tools that seem most useful for you!)

        We get personalized make-up boxes, clothing, and dinners delivered to our doors. Why do we need to settle for a brand of parenting somebody else has created? Spoiler alert- we don’t!

        YOU can create your own style of parenting, based on your personality, your tendencies, and your kids. Instead of trying to strictly adhere to the tenants of a certain type of parenting, focus on learning about yourself in depth, and then doing the same for each of your kids.

        What are the 4 types of Parenting Styles

        There are 4 types of parenting styles, according to research. They are categories your natural parenting tendencies can fall into. Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved.

        They are easiest to see on a graph, with two continuums, demanding vs non-demanding, and responsive vs non-responsive.

        Nearly all of today’s ‘brands’ are tools to help people stay in the Authoritative quadrant. In the graphic below, the vertical axis represents the responsive continuum, and the horizontal axis represents the demanding continuum.

        Like I said, these 4 types of parenting have been heavily researched, and the evidence shows that Authoritative parenting produces the best outcomes. And what I really love about this is that research shows this is true even across cultures!

        Authoritative parents produce kids with higher self-esteem, better self-control and the ability to regulate emotions, better academic outcomes, greater empathy and general social skills.

        One of the things that drives me the most crazy is that all these different brands of parenting position themselves as being the only way to be an Authoritative parent.

        But the reality is that there is still a spectrum of what being an Authoritative parent looks like.

        Responsive And Demanding

        You could be a fairly demanding parent, and have extremely high expectations for your kids. But as long as you’re balancing it with a very healthy dose of responsiveness, it works!

        Or you could be an easier going parent, and balance a what-will-be-will-be sort of attitude with healthy expectations.

        So then you’re closer the center of the chart. But you’re still an Authoritative parent. The point is- there are a lot of different ways to get this right.

        Just like I wish I could yell at my high-school self and say, “You don’t have to look like everyone else! Just do you!” I want to scream from my roof, “Find the parenting practices that work for you, put your soul at ease, and bring joy to your family! Don’t worry what everyone else is doing!”

        So What’s the Solution?

        The goal is to parent in an authoritative way, with your own personal style. You actually already have your own style; you just need to figure out if it’s the style you want.

        If you want to figure out what your natural style is, think about how you parent on your best days and on your worst days. Those are the two extremes of your natural style, and your typical behavior should fall in the middle. You could use the words listed in the graphic describing ‘responsive’ and ‘demanding’ to help

        What style do you rely on when your other resources are depleted (worst day)? What style are you aspiring to raise your kids with (best day)?

        If you’re struggling to think about this abstractly, try observing yourself for a bit. React naturally for a few days or a week, and watch your behaviors (don’t try to change them yet- just be observant). I’m a huge believer in data gathering- so write this information down! Sometimes we can only see the truth when it’s literally in front of us.

        In short, you can find your current parenting style by:

        1. Thinking about your best and worst days.

        2. Observing your own parenting

        3. Keep track of your behaviors

        Wrap Up

        You don’t have to be like everyone else. You are unique. You are exactly who your kids need you to be. Instead of chasing the next thing (or your Pinterest feed) lean in that.

        You know that balancing demandingness and responsiveness is the gold standard of Authoritative Parenting. You can grab the tools you need, as you need them, taking the time to evaluate them as you go.

        If you’re not feeling confident that you’re an authoritative parent, we even have a system for discovering what type of parenting style you use. Parenting with a Plan is a good place to start if you think you might want to tweak what you’re currently doing.

        If you’re looking for some practical parenting ideas, sign up for my email list and get weekly ideas sent right to your inbox!

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