Empowering Fathers

Let’s Empower the Fathers in Our Lives

This generation of fathers, currently raising young children, deserves a ton of praise. As a whole, they have continued the trend of increasing both quality and quantity of the care of their kids. In general, they have found a way to be more present than their fathers, who were in turn more present than their fathers. According to the Pew Research Center,

“Dads are much more involved in child care than they were 50 years ago. In 2015, fathers reported spending, on average, seven hours a week on child care – almost triple the time they provided back in 1965. And fathers put in about nine hours a week on household chores in 2015, up from four hours in 1965. By comparison, mothers spent an average of about 15 hours a week on child care and 18 hours a week on housework in 2015.

While fathers are spending more time with their children, many feel they’re still not doing enough. Roughly half (48%) say they spend too little time with their kids… Dads are also less positive about their own parenting than are moms. Just 39% of fathers say that they are doing a “very good job” raising their children, compared with 51% of mothers.”

Kids Benefit From Engaged Fathers

Dads have absolutely become more engaged in fatherhood, and there have been many studies showing the positive effect this has on kids. Having a dad who is both involved in a kid’s hands-on care (think dressing, feeding, etc.) and spends time playing with them has been linked to:

Increased cognitive development
More positive peer interactions (Basically, more friendly kids)
Higher levels of school readiness
Better problem-solving skills

Those Are Some Amazing Results!

These dads are stepping up, but still, only 39% of fathers feel like they’re doing a “very good job.” Honestly, I think that’s pretty sad, and way more men than that are doing a “very good job.” These are men who are trying their hardest, and are WAY more engaged with their families than their own fathers and grandfathers. Interestingly, the studies have also shown that quality of parenting, and not the division of routine care between parents, was more strongly associated with positive child behavioral outcomes.

This generation of men has continued to redefine what an active father should be. And no one has benefitted more from this new vision of fatherhood than our kids. I think it goes without saying that we want the best for our kids, and for our spouses. To do that, when we think of the men in our kids’ lives, as wives, moms, sisters, or friends, we need to ask ourselves, “How do can I support him, as a father?”

6 Ideas to Empower Fathers:

6. Do not refer to time fathers spend alone with their children as babysitting

They are parenting. When you say he is babysitting, you’re implying that he is not capable to care for his children full-time.

5. Help to make sure Dad’s voice is heard

Anytime Dad is involved in a school meeting, doctor’s visit, etc., make sure that people are speaking to both of you directly. It’s common to see father’s communicated to via the mothers, so help out by stepping out of the way.

4. Work on your teamwork

Work on the co-parenting and couple relationship. Parenting will be easier for both of you if you are both on the same team! And it’s easier to be on his team if you have a strong marriage. (Or if you’re not romantically together, at least having a cordial relationship). Try to see his parenting ideas through from his perspective. What was life like for him as a kid? Is he trying to avoid or recreate it? What are his values/goals? (If you’re not sure where to get started, try this article or this course.) By working on your relationship(s!) you are supporting him by increasing your teamwork.

3. Encourage his style of parenting

He will parent differently than you- and that’s ok!! That’s the beauty of the two parent system. Find the value in what he does differently. Statistically, men tend to play rougher with their children, which then helps the kids learn physical limits, and cooperation. That’s just one example of how having the balancing styles of parenting benefits kids. When kids see more than one ‘right’ way to achieve something, it helps create more flexibility in their thinking!

2. Don’t correct him

If they dressed the kid in plaid shorts with a butterfly print shirt, let it be. No one will be harmed, and if you correct everything he does, he’ll eventually step back from the process because you’ve essentially told him he’s not good at being a dad. That’s not exactly what we’re going for. You’ll benefit from letting go, and Dad will appreciate not being micromanaged!

1. Tell the Fathers they’re doing a good job

Not in a pandering way, like the double-standard examples of when a stranger tells a father at the grocery store he’s such a good dad, because he’s grocery shopping with a kid. That’s just parenting basics.

But, when you come home, drained and exhausted from the days demands, and still find a way to wrestle with the kids, or help with homework, or get dinner on the table (or all 3!), I call that a “very good job.” Whether your a mom OR a dad. Do you best in those moments to tell him he’s a great dad! And don’t just save it for Father’s Day!

Do you have any other ways you support your kid’s father? I’d love to hear about them. Please share in the comments below!

Resources:

I had a few resources I couldn’t link to, so I want to make sure they’re given credit!

Buswell, L., Zabriskie, R., Lundberg., and Hawkins, A. (2012). The Relationship Between Father Involvement in Family Leisure and Family Functioning: The Importance of Daily Family Leisure. Leisure Sciences, 34.

Kline-Pruett, M., Pruett K., Pape-Cowan, C., and Cowan P.A. (2017) Enhancing Father Involvement in Low-Income Families: A Couples Group Approach to Preventive Intervention. Child Development, 88(2).

The Hardest Thing About Parenting

What is the hardest thing to do?

Ask for help.

The stairs weren’t quite as creepy as these!

I fell down the stairs last week. For real. I was just walking, like normal, and I totally wiped out. In front of my two little guys. It was everything I could do to not just burst into tears because of the pain. So I kind of pulled myself together, and the very next thing I did was…

Change a diaper. I was in such pain that I was directing my toddler exactly where to lay and to bring the diaper and wipes. But I didn’t ask for help immediately. In fact, it took me 2 hours to ask for help so I could go to the ER for an X-ray.

So why is it so hard to ask for help?

Would you rather be the helper or the helped? Most of us are much more comfortable being the helper. But why is it that way? It’s probably a combination of things. And if we can figure out what’s stopping us, we’re one step closer to addressing it!

Reasons it’s hard to ask for help

Pride

We don’t want to believe we need the help of others. Or maybe we feel like we’re better than that.

It’s admitting to failure

Depending on how it manifests, this can actually be a subset of pride, but I think so many parents are worried about failing that I want to list it separately. If we’re fairly independent people, then the idea that you have to ask for help may signal feelings of failure. Personally, asking for help felt tantamount to admitting that I couldn’t take care of my kids, which meant I had failed at my primary job. If you can’t do it yourself, you’ve failed.

We’re afraid of being judged for needing help

We all have a perception of our status in a group, and you may also be aware of power dynamics. You may be reluctant to ask for help because you’re afraid it will confirm your status as the low-rung-on-the-ladder. Or maybe you’re ‘top dog’ and feel like asking for help would be calling your position into question, and even jeopardize your ability to remain on top.

We don’t know who to ask for help

If you’re lucky enough to have other parent friends, chances are they’re in the same boat. We don’t want to be an imposition or burden, or we’re afraid of straining our friendships by asking too much. Or maybe you are on a proverbial island, and don’t feel like you know anyone well enough to ask.

We don’t actually know WHAT help we need

If you’re drowning, you don’t care if a raft, a circle floatation device, a helicopter or a dolphin saves you. And you certainly haven’t done an analysis on which one will be best for your situation, so you can then place your request. You’re busy splashing around, thinking, “Gee, I wish someone would help me, I’m getting really tired over here.” When you’re in over your head in real life, it’s the same.

We assume the answer would be no

How many times have you ever thought that you just know someone won’t be able to help because they’re too ___ (fill in the blank here). But how many times have you told a person who needs you that you can’t help? If you truly can’t, you usually offer another suggestion. Let’s let those people be the judge of whether they can actually help or not.

Get to the top, with a little help!

Overcoming the challenge

My thoughts on overcoming the challenge of asking for help all revolve around making a plan ahead of time, and reducing what’s overwhelming you. I know. I’m sorry- this does not help you in a crisis.

Step 1

First, find your personal blocks. What’s stopping you from asking for help? Was there anything that struck a chord? Make a plan to slowly address that. Take an honest look at yourself, and take some time to work through it.

Step 2

Simplify your life. Figure out what the things are that you’re most likely to feel like you need help with? Is it laundry? Running an errand? Doing dishes- again? Those are great examples of things we don’t usually feel like we can ask other people to do for us. Personally, I ~~hate~~ strongly dislike the suggestion of “lower the bar.” Trust me, if I’m worrying about laundry, that means someone doesn’t have socks to wear for tomorrow. I can’t lower that bar anymore! But if you can make a plan to simplify your life, do it! Maybe this is the week where everyone has spaghetti and marinara (from a jar) for 4 days straight, and no one dies of malnutrition. That would simplify dinner prep, AND grocery shopping! Maybe this is the month where your kids buy lunch from school so you don’t have to make it in the morning. Maybe this is the time for streamlining that bedtime routine that has somehow grown to an hour long?

Step 3

A lot of getting out of a crisis is just having the strength left to keep moving forward. So even if you don’t have someone who would do your laundry, you hopefully have someone who is a cheerleader in your life. Talk to that person and get a pep-talk, and then crank whatever music gets you psyched up -even if it has to be on your headphones- and go get something done.

Step 4

Switch your mindset to instantly reduce your overwhelm. Parenting is a 24 hour job, and many of us are up after the kids go to bed still cleaning up the house or finishing up work on the computer. But what if we weren’t completing the jobs left over from today? What if we’re simply getting ahead for tomorrow? What if, maybe around the time your kids go to bed, your to-do list magically resets. You no longer have to-dos for today; anything left undone just moves to tomorrow. So, if you’re loading the washer at 8:30pm, it’s not because you’re so far behind. You’re simply crushing it for tomorrow! And if you’re actually done with your to-do list (is that a thing?!) then choose something to do tonight that will set you up for success in the morning.

Now get out there, and do your thing! And don’t forget to ask for help!

If you’re looking for more help, “The Stress-Free Guide to a Happier Family: Improve Your Parenting Skills” is now available! You can also get more help delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the newsletter!

Explaining the News to Your Kids

News and Our Kids.

It’s pretty much a universal truth that parents don’t love to explain the news to their kids. I’m pretty confident that parents have been trying to shield their kids from the news since the beginning of time. In every era there has been terrible information that’s anything but child-friendly. But at the risk of sounding cliche, parents today have a special challenge. According to the Times, “today’s news is “increasingly visual and shocking,” and points to the inclusion of smartphone videos and audio clips as examples.”

And it doesn’t help that the news is everywhere. It used to be as easy as turning off the 6 o’clock news, or making sure the newspaper wasn’t lying around. But now it’s live-streaming on social networks, it’s scrolling on the bottom bar of the sports channels, it’s on the TVs at doctor’s offices. It can feel like everywhere our kids look, there is information we aren’t ready for them to have.

News aims to keep adults aware of the events of the world.

It was never meant to be consumed by children. Studies show that watching and reading the news increases anxiety in adults. So, it would make sense that news would have the same impact on childrens’ mental health. For kids, it may also lead to a perception that the world is a randomly dangerous place. It may reinforce a belief that adults are not trust-worthy, and are unable to keep people safe. That sounds like a pretty frightening place to live.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

When your son or daughter asks you the dreaded, “What does this mean?” what can the well-meaning parent do? You don’t have to lie, or pretend you didn’t hear. You CAN actually explain the news in a healthy way. All you have to do is explain what “should” happen. For example, if your son or daughter was innocently watching the college basketball tournament, they could have heard the announcers vaguely discussing Michigan State and a convicted child sexual predator. The information the commentators share is usually PG rated, but that leaves a lot to the imagination. (And we all know how vivid kids’ imagination can be!) To be clear, this happens in all sorts of news scenarios. I’m not specifically calling out this broadcast, rather, I’m using it as example.

So, when they say, “Mom, what are they talking about with Michigan State?” all you have to do is explain (briefly) what should have happened. You can say something like, “Well, a doctor’s job is to take care of people and keep them safe and healthy. That didn’t happen in this case.” There are obviously a lot of different correct answers. You could also say that adults are supposed to keep kids safe, or everyone is in charge of their own body, and so on. You get to spin this towards your values- it’s your parental privilege! The beauty of this system is that you are focusing on the positive. The vast majority of doctors do work incredibly hard to keep their patients safe and healthy. You are showing your kid what to expect from the world.

BUT MY CHILD HAS ALREADY SEEN THE NEWS STORY!

If your kid has already heard the full news story, or even witnessed it first hand- use Mr. [Fred] Roger’s advice. He famously said that his mother used to tell him, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” The point is, yes, terrible things happen. Unjust, unexplainable, incomprehensible things happen. But there are good people out there, and we can’t give in to despair, or start believing that all the goodness is gone from the world. Look for the helpers.

Explain the News in a Developmentally Appropriate Way

We want to create citizens of the world who are compassionate and knowledgeable. And cultivating a knowledge about the world, and justice is a great step towards that goal. It’s important to do it at an age appropriate level, though. Remember this: kids under the age of reason (about 7-8 depending on the child) still engage in magical thinking. They still believe in things like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, because they don’t have a well-developed sense of reality. As a parent, it is your right and privilege to teach your child. If you believe your son or daughter is ready to learn about the news in an age-appropriate way, then you have an amazing opportunity to share the world with them. When you are ready to take that step, I have 3 suggestions for making the news child-friendly:

Be proactive. If you know there is a large-scale event which could come up in conversation, (devastating hurricanes, school shootings, etc.) you can address it with your kid ahead of time. Let them know what’s happening, keeping in mind their developmental ability to understand.
Let them know they are safe, and that you are safe. If you are potentially in danger (i.e. in the path of a hurricane) this is an excellent time to lovingly remind them about your family’s safety plan.
Be the helpers. Many kids have a very deep sense of justice, and can be easily shaken by the cruelty of the world. Assist them in finding a way to help (donate to a charity, or organize a collection for disaster victims), which will in turn help restore a sense of balance to the situation.

It’s challenging to find that perfect balance- between sheltering your kid and helping them become aware of the world around them. But there are ways to help acclimate our kids, little by little, so we can introduce them to the world, instead of being terrified by it! If you would like some continue encouragement, or more practical parenting tips, sign up for the weekly email! I promise to keep it brief- we’re all busy parents. But who couldn’t use a little more encouragement?!

How to Become a More Patient Parent

If I Just Had More Patience…

Patience is one of the most elusive things for parents. We know- without a doubt- when our patience is gone, and it never seems to be in abundant supply! We’ve been told “patience is a virtue” and heard many parents say they’re praying for more patience. And this definition of patience really says it all:

“Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”

It seems like patience is this holy grail of parenthood. Have you ever thought, “If I could just be more patient, I’d be a better mom/dad?” Or have you seen a mom at the playground and thought, “Wow. She has so much patience with her daughter. If I could do that, it would be a game changer.”

9 Steps To Becoming a More Patient Parent

The good news is that there are immediate, actionable steps you can take to grow your own patience. TODAY! (Just in case you’re feeling impatient to become more patient! Ha!)

So without further ado, here is your 2-part plan.

Part 1: Prepare Yourself

1. Know Your Own Buttons

Know your own buttons, and try to limit your kids ‘access’ to them. For example, if constant questions drive you up a wall, you can work on teaching them to look up answers themselves. If the idea of tolerating delay causes anxiety for you, plan for an extra 10, 20 or however many minutes you’ll need to allow for the inevitable.

2. Practice Good Self Care

Practice good self care. I am far from the first person to say it, but this goes back to the airplane analogy of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping the others around you. You are no good to anyone else if you have passed out because you neglected your own mask! If you are completely exhausted I can just about guarantee you are going to have a hard time being patient with your kids. The same goes if you’re hungry, or too cold or too hot, or stressed, and the list could go on. When your resources are depleted, you have nothing left to give.

Part 2: Prepare for your specific kid

3. Know Your Kid’s Actual Development Level

Understanding what you can reasonably expect, and knowing what is beyond your child, can set you up for success. If you are constantly over demanding, you are going to get frustrated and your kid is going to overwhelmed. You’ll also want to keep in mind how any development or cognitive delays may affect their developmental level. Sure, you kid looks like they’re 7 (or even BE 7, chronologically), but they may only be functioning at a 5 year-old level. And, I promise, nothing will drive you crazier than expecting him or her to act like a 7 year old!

• If you want to brush up on developmental milestones for ages 3-11, here are a couple trusted and easy to read sites. There’s the Ages and Stages of Development from California’s Department of Education. And Stanford Children’s has a good page about The Growing Child for ages 6-12.

4. Lay Out Your Expectations and Limits

Clearly stating your expectations, and the limits, is critical. If your kid doesn’t truly understand what they’re supposed to be doing, they won’t be able to complete the task, which will try your patience.

Stating the limits beforehand helps because it takes the emotional aspect out of it. It’s just the facts!

5. Make A Plan Before You’re In Crisis Mode

If you know your kid struggles with transition, or it makes your eye start twitching when they’ve asked you the 32nd question in a row, make a plan for yourself.

Like, leave your family a ridiculous amount of time before you leave, or develop a mantra for yourself (“curiosity is good” or whatever helps you!) You can also put a limit on things like asking 32 questions. It’s great modeling to show that you need a few minutes to re-center. Or better yet, teach your kid how to use an ‘old-fashioned’ encyclopedia!

6. Give Choices

But only give choices you truly mean. Once you start practicing choices you’ll start seeing that you have so many more options than you realized.

For example, with young kids, it’s not a choice that they have to run errands with you. But you could give them the choice of which grocery cart to ride in, or they could help choose what fruit you buy (like apples vs. grapes). For older kids, it’s not a choice that they have to do their homework, but they could choose the rewarding activity they get to do afterwards in their free time (like art, music, video game, playing outside, spending special one on one time with you, etc.)

7. Be A Cheer Leader

Know that relentlessly cheering your kid on is faster than yelling. Saying, “Great job, keep going!” is going to get a much better, and often quicker result than, “Come on, why are you going so slow?!”

8. Keep Smiling

Sometimes the simplest things are best; so keep smiling. Study after study has shown that simply smiling -even if you don’t feel happy- can trick your body into releasing chemicals in your brain which in turn actually DO make you happy. And isn’t it so much easier to be patient when you’re feeling happy?

9. Pray

Step back and pray (or meditate if that’s not your thing). Just taking a quick break, and connecting with something beyond yourself is a time-tested way to calm down and regain your patience.

The Wrap Up

I know it’s tough out there, but you can do this. Patience isn’t something you’re born with. (Think of all those crying toddlers!) It’s something we cultivate and grow. So yes, even you will be able to grow more patient over time!

Start by recognizing your own triggers, and practicing excellent self-care. Then you can work on understanding your kid, and being clear about your expectations. Make a plan! And you can use techniques like giving choices, remaining positive, and prayer to help you along the way.

I’d love to hear how any of these steps worked out for you- let me know in the comments below!

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Warning Signs for Suicide in Elementary School Children

KNOW THE SIGNS: SAVE A LIFE

Everyone should be aware of the warning signs for suicide, especially for younger children. Being aware of these could literally save your child’s life!

A common misconception is that a person (including your kid) has to have a known mental health diagnosis in order to be truly suicidal. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Although according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) 90% percent of 10-24 year olds who complete suicide did have an underlying mental illness, this means that 1 in 10 did NOT. So, your child does not have to have a diagnosed mental illness to be suicidal. Please don’t let that cloud your judgement if you think you’re seeing any of these following warning signs.

WARNING SIGNS:

Having a preoccupation with death (it could be through talking, writing/journaling, or drawing)
Writing good bye notes
Giving possessions away
A sudden change in behavior
Talking about a plan for suicide

At-Risk Factors for Suicide, in Children:

These are parts of your child’s life circumstances which put him/her at greater risk or completing suicide.

Having just had a big fight with a close family member or friend
Diagnosis of ADD, ADHD, Depression and/or Bipolar Disorder
Access to firearms
Family history of suicide
Previous attempts
Being male (Females often make more attempts at suicide than males, but males tend to use more lethal means so there’s less chance for a rescue.)

Privacy and Suicidal Children

I know many parents have strong views about letting their kids maintain their own space. But, this is not the moment to be squeamish about privacy. You may want to consider checking their room for drawings or a journal entry that may shed more light on the inner workings of their mind. I understand this is a sensitive area. But, if you are truly suspicious that your kid is having suicidal thoughts the risk is too high to not do everything in your power to help your kid. Better for them to be alive and mad at you for an invasion of privacy than the alternative.

Next Steps if You Suspect Your Child is Thinking of Suicide

If you have noticed any of these signs, you may want to have a discussion with your child about how they’re feeling. What To Do When Your Young Child Talks About Suicide is a great resource to help you figure out the next steps to take if you’re concerned about your son or daughter.

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Creating Independent Preschoolers

The independent preschooler?

Preschoolers (kids aged 3-5ish) are always learning new skills and trying new things. A lot of the new skills they learn are helping them gain independence. For many kids, these are headstrong years. They are learning to assert themselves. And parents are learning to give their kids a bit more space.

Many parents greet this time in their child’s life with mixed emotions. Even those this signifies typical development, it’s easy to be a bit sad about your preschooler no longer needing your for everything.

But the upside is that they are growing and no longer need you for everything!! They are feeding themselves, possibly getting (some of) their own food, dressing themselves, and the list could go on!

Not every preschooler is so enthusiastic about independence. Or maybe your son or daughter is trying to assert their independence by ‘making’ you do tasks for them.

So, to encourage them in their typical development, (and to help you re-claim 3 minutes of your life!) I have 2 quick tips. Here we go!

2 Quick Tips for Encouraging Independence

1. Go Slow

My first tip is to respond s-l-o-w-l-y to all tasks you expect them to be able to do independently.

Let’s use pouring dry cereal as an example. “Mom, can you get some cereal for me?” “Sure sweetie, but my hands are a little busy at the moment. Remember, you can get a bowl and the cereal and pour it for yourself.”

Then take your sweet time with whatever you’re doing.

Your goal is to have your kid get so tired of waiting for you that it’s easier to just do it themselves. So, maybe this is a good time to start a load of laundry, or sweep the floor, or take care of a younger sibling. (Or even yourself!)

If they’re really digging their heels in, you could simply require that the bowl and box of cereal be on the counter before you pour the cereal out for them. Admittedly, this is not nearly as easy to do if you’re up against a time-crunch. But if you can, try and plan for extra time to be able to encourage an independent preschooler.

2. Let Them Be The Expert

Kids love knowing more than grown-ups!

So, next time your kid asks for help with putting on their shoes and socks (for example), act a little confused about the whole process. Try opening the sock at the toe, or putting it on an ear.

They’ll get a kick out of teaching you how to do it, and teaching a skill is the best way to make sure it’s ingrained.

Plus, the chances are good that you’ll both finish the task with smiles on your faces!

3. Bonus Tip for More Independent Preschoolers

Kids move faster with encouragement than with anger.

It may be repetitive, but do your best to be a very vocal cheerleader for them every step of the way. “Great job! You found the bowl and put it on the counter! You’re such a big kid, I knew you could do it!”

You don’t have to be creative with your praise- just sincere. No kid has ever said, “Mom, you already said I’m great. Why don’t you try a new word?”

Also, don’t reserve your praise for the completed task- pour it on, liberally, the whole way and your kid will be so much more motivated to keep going. We want to praise the effort, not just the result!

When it gets a little mind-numbing, just think about how wonderful it is that your kid will have that as the soundtrack of your voice in their head.

Let’s Hear It For Independent Preschoolers!

There you go! Two quick tips to help encourage you and your preschooler towards greater independence. Just go slow, and let them be the expert!

So what’s your favorite quick tip? Have you tried any of these ‘tricks’ before? How would it impact your life if you had a more independent preschooler who could do things on their own? I’d love to hear in the comments if these worked for you, or if you think I left something out!

About Alexandria

Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

What To Do When Your Young Child Talks About Suicide

If your child is actively suicidal, call 911 or take them to the emergency room immediately.
The suicide prevention line is 800-273-talk (8255)

Suicide In Young Children Is NOT A Myth

According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for kids 10-14.

“From 1999 through 2015, 1,309 children ages 5 to 12 took their own lives in the United States, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says. That means one child under 13 died of suicide nearly every five days, on average, over those 17 years.” (From this CNN article.)

Additionally, 5 is as young as suicide is coded, because given developmental considerations of very young children, suicide is never coded as a cause of death for children 4 years old or younger.

The American Academy of Pediatrics researched suicide in elementary school-age children and adolescents, and found that only 29% of children who complete suicide disclose these thoughts to their parents/loved ones. So recognizing the potential warning signs is incredibly important.

The Warning Signs Look Different for Kids

They also found that the predominant mental health diagnosis of children (ages 5-11) who completed suicide was Attention Deficit Disorder, and not Depression like in other age groups.

Terrifyingly, this suggests that a kid’s impulsivity is related to potentially suicidal behavior.

The silver-lining, at least, is that safety planning is a very effective tool for prevention. And if you can talk to your kid, you can find out their potential plans, and remove the temptation from their impulsive reach.

Preparation Is Key

If you find yourself in the position where your young child is talking about suicide, there are a few things listed below you can do. If you have never experienced a child expressing suicidal thoughts, I still encourage you to continue reading so you can be prepared (think of it as emergency preparedness planning). The steps are listed semi-sequentially , but I should emphasize that it’s critically important to contact the child’s doctor, especially if they’re on any medication.

Safety planning by removing the temptation for impulsive behaviors can be an effective suicide prevention tool.

What to do if your young child says “I want to kill myself”

1. Listen.

Your first job is to keep them talking to gather as much information as possible. IF there is a plan, you NEED to know it. Don’t be afraid to ask about their plan- you WILL NOT be putting ideas into their head if you just parrot back the question to them. For example, if your child says, “I hope I never wake up” or “I want to die” you could say, “Do you have any ideas about how that would happen?” Or if your child says, “I want to kill myself” you can reply, “Do you have a plan for how you would kill yourself?”

If you just can’t bring yourself to say that you can ask how they may plan to harm/hurt themselves, or just generally if they have a plan. Your child will not be shocked by this question- they may actually be relieved to have a chance to discuss this terrifying thing that’s been going on in their mind.

Your kid is not going to start developing a plan to complete suicide because you asked that question. But you will be able to start a safety plan because you asked.

2. Identify The Plan

You need to find out their plan, because “I pray that I never wake up” is completely different than, “I’m going to drink the mouth wash to poison myself,” which is different still from, “I’m going to use the gun that I know is in the nightstand drawer.”

Each of those circumstances deserves it’s own attention, but you won’t know unless you ask about it.

3. Talk to their doctor

Especially if they’re on any medication. If this is happening after office hours, this is worth leaving a message for your on-call doctor. If they have a mental health professional, call them immediately.

If you feel that a suicide or self-harm attempt is likely/imminent, take your child to the emergency room or call 911.

4. Empathize

Empathize with them that they must feel awful, and let them know you love them unconditionally. Acknowledge that to them, these feelings and problems seem like they will last forever.

5. Safety Plan

Create a brief version of a safety plan to create a safe environment, or use your safety plan if you’ve already developed one with a mental health professional. A brief safety plan can include:

1. Identifying coping strategies. (I.e.: possibly watching a funny movie, looking at pictures of good memories, physical activity, an artistic endeavor, and more.)

2. Remove any means for your child to hurt themselves. Remove/secure the obvious things (firearms, rope, medication, etc.).

3. Help them find the things/people/pets that they live for.

6. Take It Seriously

Please, take these threats seriously. Generally, this is not just as a way to seek attention. And it’s always better to be safe than sorry in these cases.

7. Find A Therapist

Finding a therapist for your child to talk to is going to be critical. Here are some general links that may assist you, but you can also reach out to your insurance company. If it feels overwhelming, see my steps to getting therapy set-up for your kid.

• American Psychological Association

• Find A Therapist

• Good Therapy

•And here’s an article about How to Find a Good Child Therapist

8. Include The School

You’ll want to make sure to include your kid’s school in this solution. Your child spends a large amount of their time at school, and they take their responsibility to keep your child safe seriously. You can call the school and ask to speak to the school psychology or counselor. Work with the school on a plan to ensure your child is safe and thoroughly supervised at all times.

You Are Not Alone

This is a challenging and terrifying thing to go through as a parent, but you can get through this.

You know the drill now. Pay attention, listen, find their plan, empathize. Make a safety plan. Work with other professionals, like their doctor, a therapist and their school.

You are not alone. There is help for you and your child. You can both come out of this stronger, and possibly with an even closer relationship.

Additional resources

http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org/

http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911

https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers/Preventing-Suicide