How Much Quality Time Do Kids Really Need?
Quality Time Can Come With A Lot Of Stress
There is immense pressure on us as parents to spend as much time as possible with our kids. AND to have that time filled with amazing activities and quality time.
The incredible thing is- we’re spending twice the amount of time with our kids than the parents of 1975. And it’s driving a lot of parents to the breaking point. Working parents feel stressed and guilty for not having as much time with their kids, and stay at home parents are exhausted by the endless attempt to engage with kids all day. No one is winning.
But how much quality time do we need to actually be spending with our kids per day? What if I told you that you could hack the quality time system to make it enjoyable for everyone? You can- just by zeroing in on what your kid needs, so you can drop all the extras, and ditch the stress. Wouldn’t that be the dream?! Happy kids AND happy parents!
Personally, the goal for me is to see quality time as something I want and get to do with my kid. If it’s something I’m measuring, or counting, or worrying about, I’ve missed the point.
Research on Quality Time Shows the Unexpected
This study from the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that the sheer amount of time we’re spending with our 3-11 year olds IS NOT making a difference in their outcomes. The researchers measured time moms spend with their kids- both time that moms are accessible to their kids, and times that they are engaged with them. They found no link between the amount of time (accessible OR engaged) spent with kids and their behavioral health, emotional health, or academic performance.
Despite this research, I DO BELIEVE that quality time with our kids matters. My takeaway from all the research is that:
- Quality is better than quantity.
- It takes less quality time than we think to make a difference in our kids’ lives.
- Time with dad, or both parents, is important, too.
So How Much Quality Time Do Kids Actually Need With Their Parents?
I know this is going to sound low to you, so prepare yourself. My recommendation is 30 minutes. And to do it in a low-pressure, stress-free way. It may not seem like much, especially if you’ve been pressuring yourself to put in hours a day. But releasing yourself from that stress will make this time more enjoyable, and even more beneficial to your kiddo! Here are some useful ideas to help you successfully incorporate quality time with your kid into your life.
1. Break the 30 minutes of quality time up into chunks
One way to do it would be to have 10 minutes in the morning, before work/daycare/school, 10 minutes after school/work, and 10 minutes at/after dinner.
2. Regular, daily family-life counts as quality time
IF you’re engaging with your kid, on their level, grocery shopping, family dinner, even folding the laundry can count! Quality time can absolutely be found in mundane moments of life.
3. Build Up To It
It can be hard to start any new routine, so if 30 minutes sounds like an immense amount of time that will put you over the edge, go ahead and start with 5 minutes! Just make the minutes count!
4. You Can Give More Than 1 Kid Quality Time at Once!
If you’re engaging with everyone, it all counts. Family game night with all 4 kids? Congrats, you rockstar, you’ve just provided ALL the kids quality time at once! In the playroom with two kiddos, simultaneously playing princess tea party and trucks?! You are knocking this out of the park! Kids are watching Netflix, while you’re in the same room, but on your phone? NOT quality time. But hey, we all need some downtime, too.
Where Is This Pressure for More Quality Time Coming From, Anyway?
The truth is, we came by this stress honestly. It’s the bath-water we’ve been swimming in, and most of us don’t know any differently. But there are a few different factors that got us here. And if we know the causes of our stress and overwhelm, we can fight it more effectively.
1. Moms are viewing their children’s success differently.
In a survey asking Millennial moms what success would look like for their child, 71% responded with answers other than professional and/or academic success. “Strong, lasting, personal relationships” and “a healthy lifestyle” accounted for 23% of the responses, each. [Rounding out the answers for the 71% of moms who will measure their children’s success by something other than work or school are, “Lasting, meaningful service to others” (7%), “Artistic or creative achievement” (6%) and “A strong spiritual/religious life” (12%).]
More millennial moms are focusing on the long-term relationships and health of their kids. And it would seem logical that quality time should improve the chances that our kids have strong relationships and healthy lifestyles. So it’s an easy transition from that to the idea that “my kid’s healthy development- and later success in life- depends in large part on how much time they spend with me [their mom] and that I am unique and irreplaceable.” (Fun fact- in family research, this is called intensive mothering. I think the name says it all.) It might sound like a blessing and joy at first, but for many it can quickly end up feeling like a burden.
2. Quality time as a status symbol.
Don’t believe me? When I started research for this article, one of the first things I ran across was a CALCULATOR for measuring how much time you spend with your kids. Do you want to know the kicker? YOU COULD THEN LITERALLY COMPARE HOW YOU STACKED UP TO OTHER PARENTS!! People- we are better than that!!! Aren’t we?! When we are in contest with other parents, that’s a pretty clear indication to me that quality time is being used a measure of status. (Sorry for the rant- I’ll regain my composure soon!)
Still don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think of a mom who has the ability to spend hours with her children, creating Pinterest worthy crafts, and going on Facebook perfect vacations. What does she look like in your mind? Does she look like a fairly privileged person to you?
3. The relationships with our kids may be the most enduring of our lives.
The systemic fragility and decline of marriage, and the changing landscape of romantic relationships, now means that our relationships with our kids is quite possibly going to be more long lasting than the relationships with have with our spouses/partners. The focal relationship used to be between spouses, but now it’s often moms hyper-focusing on their kids.
4. It’s literally being marketed to us!
Think of all the Disneyland commercials, and the ads for family getaways to a-city-near-you. Think of the car commercials with the children smiling and behaving in the backseat while the family goes somewhere for some wonderful quality time together. We are constantly being told that we NEED to have quality, one-on-one time with our kids.
I’m exhausted and overwhelmed just writing that. No wonder levels of parental stress seem like they’re at an all time high! But that’s exactly what we want to avoid. Because research has shown that kids have fewer negative behaviors at school, if dads enjoy parenting more. And kids have better general outcomes when moms have lower stress levels.
In Conclusion
There is so much pressure on parents to “perform.” But really, it would be so much better for us (and our kids) if we all just relaxed. The research shows that we’re putting in more than enough quality time. If we just focus on trying to enjoy our kids more, the rest will follow, I promise.
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About Alexandria
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
