How to Fight Mom Burnout, and Be A Happier Mom Again
Mom burnout is real, and painful. And the fact that you’re burned out by your kids is salt in the wound.
It can lead you down into continuous downward guilt spirals. It can steal your joy. Or worse, it’ll convince you that you were never meant to be a mom, and nothing that you do makes a difference, anyways.
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Mom Burnout Is The Literal Worst
Whatever it looks like for you, mom burnout sucks. Maybe you’re a stay-at-home mom, or a working mom, a single-mom or an autism mom. It doesn’t matter. If you’re a mom, you’re susceptible to mom burnout. The things that got you here may be different, but the destination is the same.
I’ll go out on a limb and say that mom burnout is the most awful kind of burnout- because you get no break whatsoever. At least with work burnout, you get a chance to leave and find reprieve. You can take vacations, or a sabbatical.
Not with kids. You might get a small break while they’re sleeping, or if you get a sitter for an evening. Or maybe you have amazing parents or in-laws who will take the kids for a few days. But generally, if you need a break from your kids, especially if they have any special needs, you have to move Heaven and Earth.
And then there’s the pain of admitting that to yourself! Because you’re in a terrible mental space and not likely to be thinking rationally, you say things to yourself like, “What sort of awful mom needs a break from her kids?!”
To which I say, every single one of us needs a break from our kids. It’s ok. Recognizing your needs is a sign of strength- not weakness.
You Can Be A Happy Mom Again
One of the best pieces of truth to fight the downward spiral that is mom burnout is to understand, “The only way to burn out is to have been on fire first.”
[bctt tweet=”The only way to burn out is to have been on fire first.” prompt=”tell a friend”]
You love your child passionately. But having a kid with any sort of special needs or neurodiversity or other challenging behavior is a helluva ride. You started this journey trying to do everything (and more!) that you possibly could to ensure the best life for them. And as you traveled down this often thankless road, you started to get worn out. And instead of stopping for a breather, you pressed on, in the name of doing the best you could for your family.
There’s something unique about your passionate and unrestrained love for your kid that makes you willing to go to the ends of your limits. And that is a beautiful thing! That’s what we need to harness to end this horrendous mom burnout.
But the reality is that the end of your limits is exactly where you are right now.
The good news? It’s not a permanent stop on the journey.
How do you get out once you have mom burn out?
There are a few things that you can do to move on. And even better- none of them require too much energy from you, thankfully, because mom burnout is completely exhausting.
1. Mom Burnout doesn’t magically go away
The first step is to recognize that it’s not magically going to go away. As much as I wish I could tell you it will all be better in the morning, it’s not as easy as that. (Although a good night’s sleep will definitely help, but more on that later!)
I know it’s the last thing you want to do right now, but you have to put in the effort to keep moving forward. If you’re in a place where you’re having a pity party for yourself, or just wallowing in the sadness- I get it, but you need to stand back up. You DO have it harder than some other parents, but that just means you’re going to have to be stronger. Your options are to spend the next decade or two feeling bad for yourself; OR you can do something about it and make the most of the life you’ve been given.
The good news is you can build on very small efforts to start moving out of that wallowing stage. If you’re in the midst of mom burnout right now because you’re new to special needs, or just coming to terms with your child’s behaviors, allow yourself the space to grieve. But don’t forget to stand back up.
2. Stop Mom Burnout By Stopping Those Negative Thoughts
To stop sitting in the pit of despair, you’ll need to recognize which thoughts are bringing you down. Is it when you start thinking, “It seems so easy for everyone else… (I must be an awful parent).” Or, “I didn’t ask for this! Why is my life so out of control?! What am I doing wrong?”
Listen to your own internal monologue, and it won’t take long to figure out what brought you down into the despair of mom burnout in the first place.
The second part of this is to stop those thoughts. For example, when you start to think, “Why me?” you can say to yourself, “Nope, not today! The higher the mountain, the better the view!” Developing a mantra, or repeating a Bible verse is a simple way to start fighting these thoughts. Anytime you hear one in your mind, you can push it back out with an affirmation, a reality check, or one of your mantras or Bible verses.
3. What does success look like?
The third step to kicking mom burnout to the curb is to redefine success with your kids. (See?! The first two steps can be done on your couch- or even in bed!) As women, we have a tendency to be very hard on ourselves. Only perfect- or maybe ‘very good’- results tend to matter. And everything else is left by the wayside. So if your kid was meltdown free for 23 hours of the day? Well, it’s hard to remember that, over the hour when they were having an epic fit. When you get caught in this trap, it’s easy to feel like life has become stagnant, and despite your very best efforts, you’re not making an impact in your kid’s life.
But progress counts. We need to find the positive; the growth. Often it can help to look at the longer-term picture. If you feel like your child hasn’t progressed, or is getting worse, maybe look at the gains they’ve made over the last year, instead of the last month or week.
What are your goals for them? To make friends? To manage their anger? To go to college? To learn to live independently? Those are all worthwhile goals! But none of them is going to happen in a week, or maybe even a year. So, in light of these goals, what would a successful week with your kid look like? Find the few things that will move you both forward, and use THOSE as the yardstick to measure success with.
Some Quick Notes:
–When you’re figuring out what would make a successful week, make sure to not base it on things that are out of your control. If your kid has anxiety about the weather, and won’t happily walk outside when it’s raining or snowing, I wouldn’t make a goal about playing outside for an hour a day. Instead, I would make a goal about being active, or playing together for an hour a day, with bonus points if it can happily be done outside. That way you’re not relying on something like the weather, or someone else’s mood, to achieve a successful week.
–Also, try not to measure progress day-by-day because there’s so much flux. Looking at a week helps smooth out some of that ebb and flow, and gives a little better perspective.
–You may also want to consider writing the good parts down, so you can reflect accurately at the end of the week. You’re looking through the opposite of some rose-colored glasses right now, and your brain is not to be trusted to give you a factual report.
–Seeing the results of all your efforts is going to help you feel more powerful and efficacious; mom burnout doesn’t stand a chance!
4. Create a plan that’s achievable
One of the things that can put you at risk for burnout is being a person who enjoys being in control! Unfortunately, that butts up directly against our kids! This is amplified in mom’s of kids with special needs and challenging behaviors because their behaviors and needs can be wildly unpredictable. But working a plan may make you feel more in control again, and release you from some of the special needs mom burnout.
Use the goals you set in the last section, and your definitions of success to create a workable and achievable plan.
When you’re planning out your week, and you’re thinking through the different categories of what need done (housework, work outside the home, volunteering, etc) make sure to include your goals for your child as a category. That way you can make sure to schedule time to help them achieve these goals and make sure you’re planning for your week to be a success. Because, “If you fail to plan, you better plan to fail!”
5. Gather a team
I’m sure at this point you’re back to being overwhelmed. I can hear it now, “You want me to work on my goal every day? When I’m already drowning?!”
So let’s take a quick breath. Because I truly don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. There is no quick fix to climbing out of mom burnout. Rather, there are a few small, slow steps you can take to will eventually get you back on solid ground.
And a very critical step is to gather a team around you and your child for support. It’s up to you; it could just be friends and family. Or you can gather a supportive professional team who can help you develop a plan, which may even could include a child or family therapist, a developmental pediatrician, a pediatrician, or your own counselor.
6. Destroy Mom Burn Out By Delegating
Now comes the part where you have to utilize the team you just gathered. Make sure everyone knows their role.
It could be as straightforward as, “I take care of fill-in-your-child’s-name-here, and my mom comes over on Wednesday nights after he’s in bed so I can leave the house once a week. And my friend is in charge of texting me ridiculous memes on hard days so I have something to laugh about.”
Or you can break down the roles into more concrete areas of improvement. For example,
“I am in charge of directing the team, implementing ideas at home, and letting them know what’s working or not. The OT is in charge of helping with sensory integration. The family therapist is in charge of giving me ideas to manage behaviors at home, and coping skills for my own stress. Dad is in charge of making sure Kid spends time outdoors. Grandma is in charge of taking care of my other children so I can have one-on-one time to build connections with Kid.”
So lay out what you need help with, specifically. Then ask for the help. Let the professionals know exactly what area you hope they can help with, and what you need. I’ve had families come into therapy and ask for weekly homework assignments that were written out. That way they knew exactly what they should be working on at home. When you’re in the midst of mom burnout, every little thing can feel overwhelming, so asking for things to be written out in small, doable steps is a great coping tool! And no professional is going to bat an eye if you ask them to clarify exactly how you should be implementing their suggestions at home!
On the friends and family side, maybe grocery shopping is a huge burden and, if you just asked, your husband would be happy to take off your hands. Sometimes you just have to ask. Remember, delegating is a sign of power, not weakness.
If you’re thinking that no one is going to help you, and you’re going to have to do this alone, I want to challenge that thought. People LOVE to help each other. The problem is that they don’t usually know how to help, because we don’t let them in. Start kicking mom burnout out the door today by asking for help with one small thing; or even just accepting the help if someone offers it!
6. Remember When You Weren’t Burned Out?
Part of defeating those thoughts that make you feel like this mom burnout is permanent is to remember times when you weren’t burned out. There has been a time when you didn’t feel like this! What was going on then? Sit back, and try to recall a time when you had a good day since you’ve had your kids. If you can’t think of one, try going down memory lane and looking at pictures, or maybe a journal you’ve kept.
Now that you remember there have been good times, let’s ask ourselves a few questions. What was your self-care routine like at that time? Is there something missing now? What would you have to do to get back to that place? If you only do one thing to improve your self-care at this time, please, make sure to get enough sleep each night.
If you’d like to develop a more concrete plan, there’s a printable, along with an article about some different self-care ideas, especially for moms with challenging kids.
Mom Burnout Won’t Last Forever
Yes, mom burnout is painful. It’s exhausting, and it can even feel humiliating. But it doesn’t have to last forever.
Your battle with mom burnout begins when you can:
-
- Start to redefine what success looks like for you as a mom, and making sure to
- Only give weight to the things that are actually in your control.
- Create a plan (so helpful to everyone, but especially us Type-A people!),
- Gather your team, and
- Delegate.
- Make sure to take care of yourself!
If, despite all these steps, you are not experiencing any relief from the crippling sadness and apathy, or non-stop worry, please talk to a doctor or therapist. You may be suffering from Depression or Anxiety, and there are several effective treatments that may be available to you.
There IS a path out of mom burnout. This is temporary. With these steps, and some support, you will get back to enjoying life- AND your kids!
- Parenting Hacks to Make Life Easier
- 2 Simple Steps To Be A Better Mom
- 5 Self-Care Ideas for Moms with Challenging Kids
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About Alexandria
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
