Parenting Could Be The Most Important Thing You Do With Your Life
Parenting is a big job, and a huge responsibility. Many of us view it as the most consequential thing they may ever do with their lives. So, it’s no wonder so many of us wonder, “Am I doing this right?”
It’s a hard question to answer, largely because there is no one right way. The ‘right way’ can even differ between kids in the same family!
So how do you get ahead of the proverbial 8-ball, instead of always playing catch up? Create a plan. Know where you’re going, and then make a path.
Just like GPS directions when you’re driving somewhere new. You start with where you are (your current location), enter your destination, and choose which route you’d like to take. You can even design your own route, based on your knowledge of the area. But typically, you don’t start just driving, and hope you’re going in the right direction. Parenting works the same way.
SO, WHAT IS PARENTING WITH A PLAN?
Parenting with a plan means that you have developed the framework of your parenting so you’re not just throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks.
Parenting with a plan is accepting that you won’t be able to do everything as a parent, and therefore have established priorities.
This allows you to have consistency, which is one of the most important parts of parenting. Think of how crazy it’ll drive you if you’re doing one behavior modification plan this week, and then something different next week!
Consistency is important because your kids need to know what to expect from you; and it’s exhausting for you to keep re-working the wheel. It’s best if you find something you believe in and stick with it.
The destination and path you choose aren’t as important as your conviction that this is the right fit for you. That’s why there are as many different ways of parenting as there are parents- this is all based on your values and personality and choices.
Benefits of Consistency
Once you are settled in your parenting methods, you’ll be able to reap the benefits of having established consistency. During the tumultuous times of life you’ll be able to turn to your plan, and rely on the strategies you’ve developed and the knowledge that you’re following your values.
There is a ton of research demonstrating that kids do best when they have some predictability and routine in their lives. This begins with you. It doesn’t mean that you have to be living through “Ground Hogs Day,” but in general, kids should know what your reaction to their behavior will be. Your behavior needs to be predictable.
By having a predictable personality and responding to your child in a predictable way, you are helping to create a safe space for them. They will gain independence through this; because they know that you can be relied on for consistency, they can handle other parts of their life being new, spontaneous, and different.
HOW to start Parenting your own way?
We can all agree that having some sort of plan sounds good- but how do you go about choosing and enacting one? There are a few steps, but it all starts with knowing yourself, and who you are as a parent. If you are parenting with anyone else (like a spouse or partner), it would be ideal to involve them in these steps, too.
1. Identify your parenting values
A good way to go about this is to make a list of all the things that are important to you as a parent. Another way to this about this is to ask yourself, who do you hope your child becomes as they grow up? Be honest with yourself- there are no right or wrong answers. Once you’ve taken some time- this could take a few days as you mull it around and come back to it now and then- try and prioritize your values so you can identify your top 5 or so.
2. Choose your top priority value, and a coordinating behavior to address first
It’s best to choose just one are to tighten-up at a time so you don’t stretch yourself too thin. For example, a common highly rated value is respectfulness. A behavior that you may want to address, based on that value, could be talking-back, eye-rolling, not listening, or general attitude. If you’re feeling like there are too many things to work on, make a list, but don’t be tempted to work on more than one behavior at a time.
3. Develop a plan to address this behavior
Discuss with your partner, or a trusted friend, what the new behavior should be. Also, plan what the reward and consequence will be. Make sure the reward and consequence are things that you can actually implement and are willing to be consistent with. (Remember, consistency doesn’t mean perfection- you just need to aim for 80% + of the time.) Then, once the adults are on the same page, announce the changes to your child. A family meeting can be a nice time to introduce this, but remember to keep the announcement brief. This is not a 2-way conversation, or a long-winded lecture.
4. Address this one behavior for 1-2 months
It actually takes 60 days to establish a habit- IF it’s being done consistently. So, that means it if took a few days or a week for your child to change their behavior, you need to ‘start the clock’ from that point if you want this new behavior to become habit.
While you’re introducing this new change, try to strike a balance with enforcing your other rules; don’t throw them out the door, but try to not become overly strict with the established rules, either. Your other rules should be a habit at this point, and not something that your kids spend a lot of time or energy trying to keep up with. If you’re having trouble seeing progress, think about keeping a weekly journal where you can track some of your insights and observations.
5. Rinse and Repeat
Once this new behavior is ingrained, repeat steps 2-4.
Self-Care Is Critical
Lastly, please make sure to take care of yourself. You’ve heard this before, but there’s a reason it’s discussed with regularity. Implementing a parenting plan will work best if you are at the top of your game. Make it a priority to get what you need to be at your best; it may go beyond making sure you have a healthy lifestyle. Some examples are: be connected with your spiritual life, have a social outlet, workout, use your brain, have the chance to express yourself artistically. Taking some time for yourself is not selfish- it’s necessary and beneficial for your family.
You Get What You Give
Parenting with a plan will require some work upfront, but it will pay off quickly. You may even be able to avoid some of the distractions on the journey by being focused on your destination! You’ll feel confident in the direction you’re heading.
So, what can you gain from some extra focus? Where does your plan begin? Share in the comment section below!
Impulse Control Games You’ll Want To Play With Your Kid
Disclaimer- I am a member of the Amazon affiliates program. Should you make a purchase, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you.
HOW DO YOU HELP A CHILD WITH IMPULSE CONTROL?
If you really want to make a dramatic impact on your kid’s ability for impulse control, it’s something you’re going to need to work on every day.
But, a kid’s job is to play. Working on their ‘stuff’ should never feel like work. If it does, you’re doing it wrong.
So to help with that, I’ve compiled a list of board games to help keep it fun. There are some classics, but there are also some I promise you haven’t heard of before!
Incorporating Impulse Control Games Into Your Life
Here are some great ways to seamlessly incorporate these games into your life. After all, if won’t do you any good if your kids are suspicious about why you’re suddenly shoving board games in their face.
1. Add It to Your Game Rotation
If you’re already a board game type family, this should come easily! Just swap out a few games you’re already playing. Or add a few of these to your rotation of favorites.
2. Family Game Night
If you’re not big on board games in your house, try implementing a family game night. You could have Friday Family Funday! Not only is the alliteration great, it’s helpful to already have a plan for Friday night since you’ll probably be exhausted from the week. (I know I am!) Throw in a frozen pizza or two, and bam! A new family ritual is born!
3. Alternative to Screen-Time
You can also use these games an alternative to screens. Many of these games won’t require parental involvement after the first round or two (although that probably won’t stop your kids from asking you to play non-stop!). That makes it the perfect alternative to suggest when your kid’s ask if they can turn on the tv or tablet. Some of these would make a good quiet-time activity, too, if you still have little ones who nap during the day.
4. Get Kids Moving On A Rainy Day
Lastly, some of these impulse control games will get your kid up and moving- in a controlled way. It’s ideal for rainy days, days when you’re stuck inside, or maybe the entire winter season!
What Makes It An Impulse Control Game?
In order to call it an “impulse control game” (a category I might have just invented!), I’m looking for something that will give your kid that tiny moment of frustration. But the game needs to balance that with being so much fun that your kid actually wants to take that deep breath and continue.
Alternatively, it could be something that strengthens their endurance for attention (here’s looking at you, puzzles and Taco, Cat, Goat, Cheese, Pizza). Or something that makes them maintain control of their bodies (like Bounce-off and Twister). I’m not necessarily looking for it to be a learning game full of strategy and decision-making.
Games that can help kids improve their impulse control and self-control
Operation is one of those classic games that hits that sweet spot of being fun and exciting, but will force your kid to take a deep breath to steady their body if they want to avoid setting off the buzzer! If you really want to kick this up a notch, to your kids, pick-up a version that speaks to their special interest. There are options, like a Chewbacca/Star Wars, Trolls, and even Despicable Me!
This is another great classic game that requires full-body control! It’s also a great winter/rainy day game because it’ll help their need for movement! Kids under the age of 6 could probably play the game if you were flexible about their ability to actually reach their body across the board.
Jenga is the last impulse control game in the classics category. Don’t let the simplicity of the game fool you into thinking it can’t teach impulse control! Part of it’s beauty is how easy the rules are to follow, so your kid can focus on trying to not knock the tower over. For a bonus, you need to perform two controlled movements- one to remove the block and one to replace the block- per turn. Perfect for teaching self-regulation!
Silly Street is for ages 4 and up. It’s a blast to play, with lots of silly shenanigans for even the youngest player. I think you could definitely have fun with this one, even with younger siblings, though. On vacation, we even had a 2-year-old join in (on a kid-parent team; but still!).
It’s positives are that it’s a straightforward game to play, it doesn’t last forever! It’s a great game for impulse control because kids have to wait for their turn to come back around, and they may get cards they don’t like, etc. It also helps develop focus because you need to pay attention- but it’s so fun your kid’s won’t even notice their gaining some awesome skills!
This game is a blast for the family. It’s essentially a building game, where you use cards to build up a tower so that the very brave and heroic rhinos can climb up! It’s great for kids with ADHD (and even kids who struggle with their sense of proprioception) because it requires body control, dexterity and spatial awareness. It’s also the winner of the Major Fun! Award, the Mr. Dad Seal of Approval, and the PTPA (Parent Tested – Parent Approved)!
Magic Labyrinth is a magical board game that elementary AND middle schoolers will love. There are varying levels of difficulty, which makes it versatile enough for the whole family to enjoy. The goal is to collect objects while going through a hidden maze. It’s the perfect game for impulse control because kids have to slow down since their memory will be tested in this game. Dealing with (literal) obstacles in their way is a nice challenge, too!
Qwirkle is an awesome game for developing impulse control! Even though it’s playable for younger kids, the strategy and skill make it (in my opinion) more fun to play for older kids. It promotes flexible thinking, future planning, and adjusting on the fly (like if someone ‘steals’ the move they planned). A great skill set for ANYONE to learn!
Bounce-Off is a combo of ping pong and Connect 4. It’s lots of fun, and they won’t even notice the effort they’re putting in to control their bodies to give the ball a controlled bounce. This game is about skill instead of strategy, so it puts parents and kids on a fairly even playing field. Bounce-Off gets everyone up and moving, so it might be a good game for the kid who doesn’t like board games. It’s also a great party game that even your older middle schoolers and high schoolers will enjoy playing with their friends!
Suspend requires LOTS of body control. The rules are simple, but the technique is tricky! You have to keep placing the bent (rubber-tipped) wires on the structure, without knocking it all over! Perfect for kids with ADHD since it’ll help develop their strategic thinking, hand-eye coordination, and logic. There’s even a Junior version for ages 4+ if your younger kids are intrigued by it!
Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza, by DolphinHat Games. Ages 8+
Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza isn’t a new, weird flavor of pizza; it’s a hilarious and fast-paced card game! There’s so much movement and action that your kid won’t even notice that they’re mastering their impulses on every turn. (Seriously, it’s harder than you think to identify a taco when someone tells you with conviction that it’s a goat! I dare you not to flinch!) Bonus: It’s a quick game, so you won’t be stuck playing it forever. And it’s tons of fun for adults, too!
Puzzles deserve to be their own category. There are so many different levels of puzzles, so it’s a good option for all ages. And they offer so many benefits!
They promote visual motor planning, concentration, attention to detail, and can even help with centering yourself and calming down!
Then the sky’s the limit! 500 piece puzzles (or larger) are great for families to work on together and come back to. Or even if you want to set it up as an ongoing project- I know several families that love to have a puzzle going during the winter months, especially. Just grab a puzzle mat or card table and you’re good to go!
Bonus: Make Up Your Own Game
You can even encourage your kids to create their own board game for family game night! Give them some poster board and art supplies and watch their creativity flow!
Impulse Control Games for the Win!
There are so many board games that will help develop better impulse control in your kid! From the classics, to ones for preschoolers, all the way to high schoolers. Board games don’t have to be tedious anymore!
Commit to helping your kid, and commit to making it fun! How will you- routinely- incorporate games to help impulse control into your life? Which one sounded like the most fun? If you have other suggestions for games that have worked for your family, share your ideas in the comment section!
It’s been getting worse. Every day is a ‘bad day’ now. And it’s exhausting.
You monitor behaviors. You follow the direction of all the therapists and doctors. Meds are never missed. But something is still off.
You love your kid. But they’re a puzzle to figure out. A solution can work one day, and cause a fit the next. Your head is swimming trying to remember everything you’ve done before to see if it was successful, or if you could tweak it somehow.
And it’s all coming at you so fast right now. You can hardly deal with one crisis before the next one comes banging down your door. You’re not even getting a chance to take a breather. Let alone time to think!
What if it’s not getting better because you’re treating the wrong thing?
ADHD And Sensory Processing Disorder
If you’ve been treating your kid for ADHD, but not getting much traction, you owe it to yourself to learn more about Sensory Processing Disorder. Specifically, sensory seeking behavior.
ADHD and Sensory seeking can look very similar. They share some of the same behaviors. And there is even a huge amount of overlap of people who have both ADHD and sensory issues.
Is ADHD a sensory disorder?
The short answer is no. But there’s a lot of overlap between the two, so it’s easy to see why you may think that. They are two separate entities, though. So, let’s start by clarifying the two things.
ADHD is a mental health disorder. It’s caused by imbalances in the brain. It is recognized by most psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists as a mental illness, and can be treated by both medication and talk therapy.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is a neurological disorder. It is not in the current diagnostic manual (DSM 5) for mental health professionals, and therefore they generally would not be able to accurately identify or diagnose SPD.
Research has not determined the exact cause of SPD. The current understanding is that the brain has trouble processing sensory input from a person’s environment. It can be either over, or under, responsive. And this is how you end up with people who are either sensory-avoiding or sensory-seeking.
Although these are distinct diagnosis, and each has unique defining characteristics, there IS a large percentage of people with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder.
Common Symptoms of ADHD
Since people tend to be more familiar with ADHD, they tend to think they’re also familiar with what it looks like and the associated behaviors.
But that can be dangerous! You can see the danger when teachers, other parents, and even just people on the street may try to diagnose your kid based on one or two classic symptoms.
So here is a list of some of the classic behaviors you would see in a kid with ADHD. For a complete list, grab the printable.
Symptoms of ADHD in Kids
• Rushes through work and make careless mistakes
• Will not pay attention to detail, or only listens to the first half of the directions
• Will start ‘fun’ tasks but has trouble finishing them
• Doesn’t want to do tasks that require lots of trying, or ‘sustained mental effort’
• Has poor time management skills; over or underestimates how much time it takes to do something or get somewhere, or doesn’t have a good sense of what time it actually is.
• Has challenges with sequential activities, or knowing what to do next, even with daily routines
• Doesn’t appear to be listening, even if you’re talking directly to them
• Mind wanders freely and easily
*Make sure to grab this printable checklist for Sensory Processing Disorder! That way you can take your time to think it over and observe your child in a new context!
What does it mean to have sensory issues?
It just means that a person has trouble processing one or more of their senses. They’re either under-stimulated by their senses, and seeking more input. (Another, less discussed option is that they’re oversensitive to certain senses and feeling overwhelmed by the input.)
One of the easiest ways to think of SPD is on a spectrum. Sensory avoiding would be on one far end, and sensory seeking would be on the other end. Sensory balance would be the center point.
Note- I’m not an OT, so this is a super-simplified explanation
Everyone in the world needs to process sensory information, so everyone is somewhere on this continuum. When someone struggles to process all their sensory input, that means they have “sensory issues.” You’ll often hear people say they (or their kid) have sensory problems or sensory issues. Usually, this is because A) it’s easier to discuss without sounding medical, or B) because their child hasn’t received the full diagnosis of SPD.
What are the types of sensory disorders?
While there aren’t different types of sensory disorders, people may have challenges with any of their seven senses. WHAT?! 7?! Yup- I typed that correctly!
Most people are already very familiar with the first 5 senses- sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. But there are 2 MORE!
• Vestibular– This sense deals with movement and balance.
• Proprioceptive– This is about where your body awareness and where you are in space.
And then you throw into the mix whether your kid is sensory seeking or sensory avoiding.
• Sensory Seeking– These kids are under-stimulated by the senses. They appear to always crave MORE. More movement, more noise, more things to chew on, more spinning, more touching (or just plain old crashing).
• Sensory Avoiding– They are over-stimulated by the senses around them. These are kids who appear to try and block things out. They may put their hands over their ears, or complain about brightness, or avoid swings and slides.
• Sensory Disregarder– There is also the possibility that your kid is under-responsive to sensations. It sounds similar to sensory seeking, but is a separate category although it’s not talked about nearly as much. These are kids who don’t seem to respond to their sensory environment. They may look “clumsy” or “slumpy” or withdrawn.
So, there is only one Sensory Processing Disorder, but it could appear in many, many ways. You could have any combination of seeking, avoiding, or disregarding with any of the 7 senses.
Can a child be sensory seeking and avoiding?
Yes! Of course! Is anything with your kid straight-forward?! Sorry to let you know, but that trend isn’t going to change now!
Kids can process each of their senses in different ways, so it’s completely possible for them to be a Seeker and Avoider.
For example, a kid might be easily overstimulated by light but under-stimulated by their vestibular system. It is possible for a kid to have different responses to different senses. AND, fun fact, it’s totally possible for a kid to be averse to sounds, but still be the loudest kid you know.
Sensory Seeking vs. ADHD
I have a comprehensive printable Sensory Processing Disorder checklist that you can use to check out which senses your kid may need more- or less- of! And, bonus, I’ve included the checklist of ADHD symptoms so you can compare!
Remember, you can’t fix what you don’t understand.
You’ll get a good idea of different signs of sensory issues, and if your kid is showing sensory seeking behaviors and/or ADHD. I’ve included different ideas for both seeking and avoiding behaviors for the 7 senses.
Personally, I didn’t see the sensory issues in my kids until I saw them listed out in front of my face. Maybe you don’t need to be hit over the head with things (like me!) but I would definitely encourage you to take a look! In any case, it’s nice to rule something out.
Can Sensory Processing Disorder Be Outgrown?
No. But I totally get why this is an enduring myth. I mean, you don’t see many adults walking around having sensory melt-downs because their tag is itchy or the sun is too bright or the music in the car is too loud. But that’s because- over the decades- we’ve learned our triggers and have developed coping mechanisms.
For example, most adults buy their own clothes. If you go into a store and try on a shirt, and you can’t stop the weird shimmying because it feels itchy and wrong to you, then you just don’t buy it. No one asks you to wear that shirt every Tuesday.
And there are a million tiny coping mechanisms like that that adults do every day. People put earbuds in at work to drown out the buzzing of the lights or the printer. They stash sunglasses in every purse, diaper bag and nook of their car. They simply don’t eat foods they don’t like. Remember, everyone is somewhere on that sensory continuum.
So with treatment and time, it IS possible to learn to cope with sensory problems.
What is the Treatment for Sensory Processing Disorder?
The most common treatment for toddlers and kids with SPD is to work with an Occupational Therapist (OT). They will do an assessment to develop a sensory profile of your child. Then they can work with them to address their sensory needs and develop coping skills.
The OT may do Sensory Integration Therapy with your kid to help organize their brain with the sensory input they receive. Or they may work on desensitization. Desensitization can be a great tool for sensory, and help kids build up tolerance, especially for their ‘smaller’ challenges. A good OT will also work with you to develop coping skills your kid can use in their daily life. They’ll work with you so you can help your kid implement those coping skills into their actual lives. (Because real life is waaay different than the nice controlled therapy setting.)
They may also recommend a “sensory diet.”
What Is a Sensory Diet?
Very generally, a sensory diet is the plan you develop, possibly in conjunction with your OT, to help address your child’s sensory needs each day. It may involve providing chances for your child to explore new sensations in a sensory bin, to help desensitize their sense of touch. Or it may involve satisfying their vestibular needs with activities like swinging and spinning. The plans can range from simple to fairly complicated.
Can Sensory and ADHD Affect Each Other?
A recent study from the University of Colorado suggests that up to 40% of kids with ADHD also have sensory issues. This is a very high level of co-occurence, but so far researchers have not been able to definitively explain why these 2 disorders go hand in hand so often.
Can ADHD Cause Sensory Issues?
Technically, no. But they can definitely exacerbate each other. The lack of impulse control can become even more apparent, and it’s possible to see kids respond to their sensory needs at an even lower threshold than they otherwise might have.
To complicate the issue, many of the symptoms of sensory processing can masquerade as ADHD. When a kid hits their sensory threshold and ventures into sensory overload, they can often become impulsive, or even aggressive, because of this innate, deep desire to find balance in their world.
Sensory Overload and ADHD
What Is Sensory Overload? Is Sensory Overload A Symptom of ADHD?
Sensory overload is when a person reaches the point when they are overstimulated by their surroundings. When I was trying to explain this to my son I used the analogy of a jar of pebbles or rocks. (We were -unsuccessfully- trying to force a flower bulb at that time, and conveniently had a mason jar of pebbles on our table.)
So, imagine that everyone has a mason jar for their sensory needs. When they wake up, it tends to be pretty well balanced. But (in our case, I was talking about an avoider) throughout the day, each little sensory challenge adds up and causes more rocks to be put in. Each little tag being weird, or the sun’s brightness, or kids being too loud at school adds rocks to their jar. And different events can add different amounts of rocks.
If they’re given a chance to find some balance afterwards, then it’s also possible for the rocks to be removed from the jar. (This is why you would want to consider putting a sensory solution into your child’s behavior plan or IEP at school.)
Most often though, kids end up accumulating these rocks, and filling up waaaaaaay faster than they can respond. And when they’re full, it’s called sensory overload.
What’s a Sensory Threshold?
Now imagine that most kids walk around with a generic sized 1-quart mason jar. They have a typical sensory threshold. Kids with sensory processing issues tend to have jars that are sized differently. A sensory avoider may have a little tiny jam jar. It may only take a small handful of rocks for them to reach their sensory threshold and venture into sensory overload- and sensory meltdown- territory.
A kid who is sensory seeking may have a giant 2-quart jar. With a lonely little pebble rattling around inside of it. And that kid is desperately seeking to fill his jar at least half-way.
Everyone one of us has a different sensory threshold.
The nice thing about kids is that, if you pay attention to their behavior, they’ll tell you when they’ve reached their limit!
So How Can I Help My Child With Sensory Issues?
The best way to help your kid is to get them into therapy, work with their school, and provide opportunities at home to support them. Explain what’s going on to them if they’re old/mature enough to understand. Personally, I’ve found that just understanding these behaviors through the lens of sensory -and not because they’re trying to deliberately be bad- is incredibly helpful.
If you’d like to take things into your own hands, I have to recommend Sensory Solutions free online workshop. (*Affiliate link- although I would never recommend something I don’t personally believe in!) Thousands of parents have gained amazing insight into their kid’s behavior, which is so valuable for supporting and then helping them.
Does My child Have Sensory Issues or ADHD?
Start with downloading the “Sensory or ADHD Behaviors” handout. If you have any concerns after reading through that, you may want to schedule an appointment with a mental health therapist and/or an OT. Even if you’re not sure, I always recommend getting the input from professionals. Even just ruling things out can be great.
Dealing With People Who Don’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real
The Excruciating Pain of someone Else’s Denial
“Autism isn’t real; it’s just a made-up diagnosis by the anti-vaxxers.”
“Kids don’t get depression; your kid is just being a brat.”
“Why don’t you actually discipline your kid? Then they wouldn’t be so hyper.”
“Sensory Processing Disorder is just an excuse for your bad parenting.”
I feel physically sick just reading that; do you? Has one of those lines, or something like it every been thrown carelessly at you? One of the most emotionally painful things someone can do to us is to discredit our journey. Having someone sweep your child’s condition under the rug, or even worse, lay the blame at your feet is hurtful.
And if the person discrediting your kid’s condition is someone you love? It’s downright excruciating.
Why Don’t People Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?!
Unfortunately, not everyone will agree that your child’s condition is a ‘real thing.’ There is still such stigma that there are some people who believe mental health problems are just someone being weak or undisciplined. Same with autism, sensory processing disorder, and more!
Maybe they don’t believe the research, or have seen the research and think it’s funded by biased parties. It’s possible that this person thinks ADHD, for example, can be a real condition, but your kid doesn’t have it.
When someone doesn’t believe our kid’s diagnosis is real, it’s painful. Because it means they don’t support us. And when you’re raising a challenging kid, you need all the support you can get!
To add to that, when our kids’ behaviors aren’t being explained by a diagnosis, it means that the person is viewing their problem behaviors through the lens of discipline, or parenting, or brattiness. And that usually means that it’s the parent’s ‘fault.’ Ouch.
If you’ve had someone say these things to you, it can leave you shaking with a mother’s fury for a week. Or it can cause knee-jerk reactions where you say one of those things you immediately wish you could stuff back into your mouth.
So How Do You Deal With It?
First, you need to establish, “Is it worth it to engage with this person?” Ask yourself, does it affect my child that this person doesn’t buy-in to their diagnosis. If it’s your co-worker, probably not. If it’s their dad, definitely.
If you’re not sure, let me ask this another way. Is this about you? Or is it about your kid? Are you personally hurt by this person’s views, or is it preventing your kid from getting the treatment they need? Why does this person’s buy-in matter?
I’m not saying that in a ‘no one else’s opinion should matter’ sort of way. I’m asking you a real question. There are plenty of reasons that this person’s opinion DOES matter.
How To Figure Out If Their Opinion Matters
For example, if your sister-in-law thinks ADHD is fake, then she is going to have a lot less tolerance for your son’s behavior- and your parenting. She may even try and take it upon herself to discipline your son in a way that’s counter-productive to what you’re trying to do. And (not so) eventually, you’re probably not going to feel very welcome in her house. Family gatherings just got a lot more awkward. In this case, it might be a good idea to engage at least enough to keep the peace.
Continuing with that example, there are also plenty of reasons your sister-in-law’s opinion DOESN’T matter. As long as she behaves civilly and kindly towards you, your kid, and family, then it may not be worth it to engage. Unless you have one of those best-friend/sister-in-law combo packs, it doesn’t matter if she disagrees with the course of treatment, or the IEP goals, or what steps you’re taking to manage behavior in your house. You and your partner get to make those decisions. No one else. You two are the ones who have to sleep at night with the decisions you’ve made.
Advocacy
Now, lest (that word doesn’t get used often enough!) you think I live in a world that’s black and white, there can be valid reasons to engage with someone whose opinion doesn’t matter. The main reason would be for advocacy’s sake. If advocacy is an important value to you, you’re probably sitting there reading this thinking, “But I want to give them the information and open their mind so this isn’t so hurtful to the next person!” If so, YOU are an advocate.
If you’re an advocate, I still want you to be cautious of a few things, in the interest of self-preservation. Where are you on this journey? Are you to a place where you can handle rejection, even after presenting well-planned information, and not take it personally? Consider what level you can engage in with this person that doesn’t burn you out? Your most important job is to leave enough in your reserves that you’re still able to go back and care for your kid in the best way you are able.
At this point, you should have been able to make a decision about whether it’s worth it to engage this person, or not.
Choosing Your Approach to Informing Why This Diagnosis Is Real
So you’ve decided that it’s worth it to engage with this person. Just for the sake of using an example, let’s say this person is your mother-in-law who also watches your kids after school once a week.
Now you have to choose your approach.
1. Agree to disagree
You can agree to disagree about the technicalities of the diagnosis or condition. But you cannot deny the symptoms. Find some common ground. Point out the symptoms that concern you; your mother-in-law is probably seeing the same things. If your son has depression, he may have stopped coming home from school and shooting hoops for a half hour before he comes in for a snack. He may be going straight to his room and sleeping. And, he may be extra difficult to engage.
It’s possible that your mother-in-law saw all those symptoms, but attributed them to other things. “Oh, he’s just going through a growth spurt,” or “The weather’s been bad so he can’t play outside.” But you could still present to her the way you would like to address those symptoms. Maybe you’re taking walks after school, without talking so there’s no pressure, just to make sure that your son is getting some physical movement (which can be very helpful for people with depression). Hopefully, your mother-in-law would be able to get on board with taking walks. Sure, you may have different reasons, but your responses are the same.
2. Present the facts
NOTE– I did NOT say convince them. Changing their mind is their own journey, and is out of your control. You can only present the facts in an unbiased way. This is CRUCIAL to remember!
If you choose to engage your mother-in-law, for example, you can opt to present just the facts to her. See if you can figure out from your previous conversations where her knowledge gap is missing, or what types of facts will have the most effect on her.
• Lean on the Doctors
If you know your mother-in-law respects medical professionals, this would also be an optimal way to start. For instance, if she’s never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder, you could give her a summation of the condition by starting with, “My doctor explained it to me like this.”
• Work with The Obvious Symptoms
But maybe she’s skeptical of doctors. If that’s the case, you might want to focus on the obvious cluster of symptoms your kid displays. You could say something like, “Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder often are super sensitive to how clothing feels, louder noises, how food feels in their mouth, and sensations like swinging and spinning. There is just a disconnect between their brain being able to process what their body is feeling, and so everything ends up feeling and seeming exaggerated.” Give her the symptoms that she can’t help but think, “Oh yeeaah, Ethan totally did that last week!” The goal is to connect the dots for her in a way she just can’t miss.
• Start with the end in mind
To borrow a phrase from Stephen Covey, you could start with the end in mind. Work with your mother-in-law and explain that you’re seeking this diagnosis, or these interventions, because you want the best for your kid in adulthood. You recognize the power in early intervention! As they say, “early diagnosis leads to timely intervention and timely intervention leads to better outcomes.”
On average, it takes 8-10 years from the time symptoms first appear to the time kid’s get mental health treatment. There are a million reasons for this, but mainly, this happens because a) finding appropriate treatment can be hard; b) actually taking your kid for treatment requires lots of coordination with schedules, etc.; and c) parents don’t have the support they need to be able to pull it off. Help your mother-in-law see that she could help your kid beat the statistics, and set them up for future success, by being supportive.
• Provide The Facts About Why The Diagnosis Is Real In Writing
The last option to explore would be printing off information from a trusted source (to your mother-in-law). I know a lot of people are tempted to just slip it in a purse, or ‘sneakily’ leave it laying out somewhere she’ll definitely see it. But I don’t like those methods for a few reasons.
First, because there’s nothing sneaky about it! She is abundantly aware this is you. Who else is going to leave reading material about Sensory Processing Disorder or ADHD or Autism just laying around?!
Second, because it comes off as passive-aggressive. Which could have the opposite affect on her that you’re trying for. So, when she sees the paper, instead of being receptive to the information, she’ll be put off by your behavior and potentially become more blocked to even reading it.
The more helpful approach to printing off the facts is to just be up-front about it. Maybe next time she’s at your house, and she’s on her way out the door, you can just casually say, “Oh, I almost forgot. I found some new information about Sensory Processing Disorder. I would mean a lot to me, and Ethan, if you could read this when you get a chance.” Be careful NOT to phrase this as a question. Like, “Would you mind reading it?” That way she’s less likely to shoot you down right then and there.
3. Address the fears
If it’s someone who loves your child who is dismissing their condition, they may be resisting the condition or diagnosis out of denial.
The good news is that this denial could be based in love and fear. It’s because they have an inkling (or maybe even full knowledge!) of what it would mean for their child to have this disease. And because they love your kid, they want to do everything they can to protect them. Including, making sure they don’t carry around that sort of life-long diagnosis.
Hey, no one ever said love was logical.
This would be a great opportunity to step in to their shoes. Treat them with love, and share your own story of how hard it is for you. And help this other person see that you are accepting the diagnosis because you love your child, and want them to be able to get help.
• What If Dad Doesn’t Believe Your Kid’s Diagnosis Is Real?
Let’s switch trains of thought, and say the person you’re working to persuade is your kid’s dad. Just like you, Dad has to work through that grieving process.
So, ask what his fears are. If possible, find examples of adults who have lived with Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Depression, and so on, and show him how successful these people can be in different areas of life. Or maybe there’s a support group in your area he would want to join? You know this is a painful process; you’ve been here. So meet him where he’s at.
4. Cultural Barriers
It could be that there are cultural barriers. Cultural barriers are often related to myths and stigmas of the diagnosis, which are usually based in fear. I find that the best way to combat fear is with knowledge, presented in a loving way. Showing people all the ways they’ve been wrong their whole life isn’t a winning strategy. So no matter how much it pains you, go slow if you’re working with someone in this category.
Convincing People The Diagnosis is Real
No one has ever had their mind changed by someone screaming at them. By creating a plan, you won’t have to respond reactively anymore! And, you’ll know that you have done what you can, for the greatest benefit of your kid.
Either you have chosen not to engage, and saved your energy and resources for yourself, your family and your kid. Or you have chosen to try and present the facts. You could appeal to them logically, using authorities like doctors to support you. If you’re not a fan of conflict, sharing the facts in writing for that person to read at a later time might be the best option for you.
Meeting someone where they’re at, in all their pain, is incredibly challenging. But maybe that’s what’s being asked of you. You may have to really put in some wok for both you, and your kid, to get the support you need.
Whatever the outcome, by creating a plan you will know you have done the best you can. Your job is over, and now it’s on that person to expand their mind.
Have you personally dealt with people who don’t believe your kid’s diagnosis is real? How did you respond? Share your story in the comments below!
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
How To Use Special Interests To Love A Challenging Child
Obsession. Preoccupation. Fanaticism. Fixation.
These are probably some of the words you’d use to describe your kid’s intense special interest. Maybe you’d even include words like ‘odd’ or ‘irritating.’
My guess is that words about love and communication most likely weren’t on the list. And most of us have felt that crazy desire to scrape our own ear drums out with a spork if we have to hear one. more. thing. about trains/dinosaurs/sports stats/Mickey/fill-in-your-own-version-of-Hades-here.
But, we can flip the script, here! If your kid has an intense special interest, instead of it being something that drives your crazy, you have a unique opportunity to speak love to them!
What Are Special Interests?
All kids (and adults!) have different topics of interest that appeal to them. But some kids, especially those with ADHD, Autism and/or giftedness, develop an intense focus on a special interest. They truly deep dive in those areas.
A ‘special interest’ is exactly that. It’s a topic that someone is deeply interested in, and is incredibly meaningful to them. They may appear to have ‘superpowers’ with this special interest. Like being able to focus on it for an incredible amount of time, (people use phrases like “getting lost in it”) even when their ability to focus is limited in general. They may remember seemingly trivial details, like a specific part number, or a score from a game that happened years ago.
Another way to differentiate a special interest from a general topic of interest is that there tends to only be one (maaaaybe 2) special interest at a time. Common special interests can be:
Transportation- like cars, trains, planes, etc
Pets or animals
Sports facts
Computer games
Series (books or shows)
And so many more!
Special Interests In Childhood
When one of my boys was younger, he became incredibly fixated on trains. He focused on trains for so long and in such detail that I began to worry he would never want to learn about anything else! I was concerned he wouldn’t want to interact about anything else. Basically, I was terrified he was limiting himself, and wouldn’t experience the full human range of experiences.
Then my husband showed me this YouTube video where a grown man absolutely loses his mind when a (very specific) train went by. And all I could think was how lucky I, or my son, would be to be that enthusiastic about anything. That was the moment when I decided to just let him and his trains be.
So I took a deep breath, and repeated to myself “Everything was going to be ok.”
Special Interests As Kids Grow
One great way to ease some of your fears about how life will turn out for your kids is to look at their older peers. Seeing other people’s experiences with their special interests is a really helpful way to see the trajectory for your kiddo. For example, this woman talks about her experience with her “specialized interests.” I love how she describes them as recharging and comforting. These areas of specialized interest are so important to some people, it’s like an extension of themselves.
Another thing to know about special interests is that this is going to be an enduring and life-long personality trait. Your child will always be a person who ‘deep dives’ into different areas, even though the topic may change throughout their life.
It may also help you to know that many kids who develop intense special interests are able to take one of the more pervasive or enduring ones and turn it into a career. A good example is a kid who’s always been interested in mechanics. Maybe they have taken apart and repaired more items in your house than you care to count. They may be able to turn that love and interest into a career as an engineer, or an inventor, or an electrician! The possibilities are endless!
Love Languages
Let’s segue to a completely new topic! Love languages!
The idea behind love languages is that everyone ‘hears’ and ‘speaks’ love differently. The best way to communicate with anyone is in their first language, and it’s the same with love.
Gary Chapman is the original author of the “Five Love Languages.” And he proposes that there are 5 languages of love. They are; words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. If you’ve ever had someone say to you, “Saying ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough for me to feel connected to you,” then you’ve experienced this idea first hand.
If you’re interested, you can use this fun online quiz to see what your child’s love language is. (I highly recommend it!) The quiz was designed for kids 9 and older, because younger kids tend to speak all the languages before narrowing down their focus to just one or two. But they will eventually develop one (or more!) language that speaks the loudest to them.
(These are affiliate links. There is no additional cost to you, but a small portion of your purchase goes towards running this site.)
Work Smarter Not Harder
To give your parental love the biggest bang for it’s buck, it will help if you speak your kid’s love language. You can save a lot of time and energy by doing this! If you know your kid doesn’t speak the language of acts of service, you can reduce the amount of time and energy you spend on doing things in that category, and instead focus your time on their primary language.
And this is where the special interest comes back in. Engaging with your child about their intense special interest is one of the most effective ways to show your love. If your kid feels their area of specialized interest is an extension of themselves, and then you show that you’re interested and engaged with it, you’re showing love to a very important part of your child. (If I had a dry erase board in front of me, I’d draw an awful illustration to help demonstrate this!)
Speaking Love Via Special Interests
You can speak all five love languages to your kid via their area of interest. Let me show you. I’ll use trains as the example, since they’re such a common special interest.
Gifts– You could give (parts of) train sets, or even just go to the library and pick up a new book or two about trains for them.
Quality Time– You can go to a train show with them.
Touch– Try sitting right next to them while they’re playing or reading about trains.
Acts of Service- You could help them organize their train sets or books; you could assist with a chore so they’ll have more time to spend on trains.
Words of Affirmation– Listen to them talk about trains, and genuinely respond with encouraging and positive words. Ask questions. Let them know you’re interested in them by engaging with their knowledge and love of trains.
Creating a Bond That Lasts
Connecting with your kid over their area of interest helps them know you are interested in them; they feel loved because you are involved. Sometimes, kids with ADHD, Autism, or giftedness can be hard to love. Their behaviors and personalities can be a bit…idiosyncratic. So, it’s critical they receive (and feel!) your unconditional love. The need for love is a massive human drive. Every person on Earth wants to be loved and know they are worthy of love.
The impact of kids knowing they are unconditionally loved cannot be understated. When a kid knows they are loved, unconditionally, their subconscious thought process will be able to say things like, “I know I am loved, so I am loveable.”
It gives your kid self-worth to know that you love them, and find them interesting. Your love for them, shown by your engagement with your kid’s special interest, may not be a magic bullet that prevents all harm from coming to your child. But it does give them a very strong shield to protect themselves with.
The Wrap Up
At first, it may not seem like your kid’s intense focus on their special interest has anything to do with them feeling loved. But if we start to see their special interest as almost an extension of themselves, it becomes clearer that we need to extend our love for them to include that part of themselves.
Their special interest is a part of them. It fulfills the need for comfort, exploration and order. It also presents an amazing opportunity for you to be able to speak your child’s love language in a way that they will hear the best.
I understand- I’ve been there. It can be SO draining to engage in those areas of interest, because it’s painfully repetitive to us as their parents. But every tiny detail is a new nuance to them that is fascinating and intriguing. You’ll find that if you can move past your own personal lack of enthusiasm for their special interest, you’ll be able to engage with your kid on a whole new level.
So how are you going to combine your kid’s love language and special interest? Let me know in the comments below!
It’s been a hard day. You were up early with one of the kids, and the day didn’t let up after that. Between just getting the basics done, and kids throwing fits and not listening, you didn’t get a chance to brush your teeth until 1! The best word to describe it is ‘relentless.’ Then your husband is late getting home. When he walks through the door, what do you do?
There are so many choices! You could give him the cold shoulder for leaving you high and dry. You could just verbally dump your day. Yelling is always an option. What about just walking out door?
Or you could choose a more loving tactic; give him a hug, ask how he is, and tell him (kindly) what support you need.
Putting The Marriage First
It’s not always easy to put your marriage first. To do that, you need to choose to love over and over and over again. You need to develop love as an action, and not just a feeling. When you choose to the do the loving thing, even if it requires a little extra effort, THAT is putting your marriage first. Even if you’re tired, or don’t feel particularly in-love with your husband at that moment, it’s important to choose to love.
To have a strong marriage, you will need to be self-less. And choose to not show your irritation about the little things. You’ll have to choose not to indulge your own petty feelings, because the greater whole (ie: your family) is more important than one person (you). It’s not easy.
But there are so many days when blowing off a little steam would feel so much easier! After all, so much of the world is saying, “just do you.” And you are feeling exhausted from working all day and taking care of kids!.
So why make the effort?
Because marriage is the foundation of your family. If you want a peaceful, joyful family- start with your marriage.
The marriage determines the culture of the family. It sets the tone. If it the house’s foundation is strong, the structure will stand firm, even in the strongest storms. Water doesn’t leak into the basement. The floors aren’t slowly sinking. Sometimes it takes years for the foundations to crumble, and the damage occurs so slowly it’s hardly perceptible. Sometimes, an outside force (an earthquake, or a bulldozer) destroys it in minutes; and while it can be rebuilt, it’s not the same as before. A strong marriage is worth the effort.
“Good Marriages Don’t Need Work”
Now, please let me address the fallacy that a good marriage just happens. Hearing that makes me want to pull my hair out and scream from the rooftop. No marriage on Earth, throughout time, has benefited from neglect. Even a benignly neglected foundation will crumble.
There’s even a lie out there that takes this one step further. If you have to work on your marriage, it wasn’t good to begin with. Both of those ideas are fallacies. Believing either of them is a massive disservice to you.
I’m not sure exactly where the idea that you don’t have to work on your marriage came from, but I do understand that it’s hard work. Showing up for your marriage requires knowing yourself, being vulnerable, and trusting another person to be gentle with your truth. But you owe it to yourself … A strong marriage is just the beginning to a great life!
You really do need a strong marriage
It all sounds great in theory. And yes, having a great marriage is initially what you signed up for. (I’ve yet to meet a person who has said, “I only really ever expected our relationship to be mediocre.) But this goes beyond the desire to have that ‘in love’ feeling. It even goes beyond just the two of you.
1. You deserve a partner in life
A strong marriage means you have a partner to go through life with. It’s like having a president and vice president; you play to your strengths to balance each other. But no one ends up with all the work. There’s a sounding board. When there’s only one person at top, it’s easy to get burned out, or simply not be able to do everything that was on your agenda.
Better yet, your life is going to be immeasurably more enjoyable if you have your best friend always at your side. Imagine the joy and confidence you would have from knowing that your spouse always supported you (even if they disagreed with you).
2. Better for the kids
A strong marriage benefits the kids, because each adult feels fulfilled, and isn’t therefore seeking out emotional support or fulfillment in (one of) their children. In emotionally unfulfilling marriages, people are left needing love, support and friendship. Unfortunately, parents often (sometimes unknowingly) seek out their kids as a means to get this love, support and friendship. The parent ends up having a lopsided relationship with their kid, which undermines their ability to parent effectively. Imagine trying to tell someone you were just being best friends with to go to their room!
If the love, support and friendship that each of you needs is given within your marriage, you can maintain better boundaries with your kids. So, basically, a strong marriage means your kids are less likely to go to therapy when they’re older! Also, research has shown, time after time, how kids generally fare better in stable households. And one path to a stable household is a strong marriage.
3. Increased respect for each other and from your kids
If kids are seeing parents argue (not to be confused with fair debating) it gives the impression that they don’t have to respect what each parent is saying either. It’s not explicitly stated, but that’s the message you receive. But in a strong marriage, you will choose to be loving, so it (almost) goes without saying that you’ll be respectful to each other, too!
Side note- If you’re having a problem with your kids speaking disrespectfully to you, you might want to listen carefully to how they hear your husband speak to you.
4. A happier family for generations
People often fall into the pattern of marrying someone like their parents, and emulating their parent’s marriage. Not because it’s the best, but because it’s what they are intimately familiar with. If you want your children to have strong, healthy relationships, and your grandkids to grow up in loving, nurturing supportive homes, one of the best things you can do to support that is to strengthen your own marriage. The impact of a marriage, for better or worse, lasts generations.
5. Greater Financial Success
Divorce is expensive. The old adage of, “It’s cheaper to keep her,” is certainly true. But even if divorce wasn’t on your horizon, improving your marriage can still improve your finances. Better communication means that you are able to talk about the budget and purchases without hurt and ego. No more sneaking a bag into the house and opening it in a few weeks and hoping your husband or wife doesn’t notice!
And, when you’re happy with the life you have, you’ll notice your desire to buy the ‘extras’ might decrease. You wouldn’t have a need for retail therapy, or anything else that artificially creates joy. And that will definitely help your financial bottom line!
It’s Hard to Make Time
In most seasons of life, it’s really hard to make time to dedicate to your marriage. It can be really hard not to fall into the trap where you’re saying to yourself, “We’re doing alright; we don’t fight so we must be good.” Even a good marriage needs consistent time and effort to stay strong.
One of the things that drives me nuts is when other people give the advice, “You just have to be intentional with making time.” It drives me absolutely crazy because I feel like a) that totally glosses over how incredibly challenging it is, and b) doesn’t give you one tiny bit of practical advice.
It also doesn’t address the fact that most dates seemingly cost money! And it’s no secret that families with youngany kids don’t generally have wads of cash laying around. But really, those barriers can be overcome with a little planning.
Here are some actual tips for finding the time and/or money (even if you think you have none) so you can work on your marriage:
Schedule it:
If you have kids, spontaneity as a plan went out the door. You are going to need to schedule time for you and your husband. Be planful. If you know that you’re both dead on your feet on Friday nights, don’t choose that night for a date! If you long to drink a cup of coffee while it’s still hot, maybe a Saturday morning coffee date is best for you!
Utilize free babysitting:
If you have a friend who is looking to get out of the house, try swapping date nights. Choose two dates, and she’ll come over to your house and hang out while you go on a date! And then vice versa. (It’s nicest to do after the kids are in bed- you both have a had a full day of your own kids- you don’t need to be putting someone else’s kids to bed!) Voila! Free babysitting! (And- a free night of relaxing me-time at your friend’s house.)
Have a Date Night In:
There are so many options on this. But I still maintain, you have to plan it. Make sure you’re both on board, so the kids can go to bed early and you can maximize your night together! Options for a date-night-in include:
Movie and popcorn
Learn a language together (use an app that makes it into a game!)
Order dinner in, and get dressed up for each other, just like you would if you were going out to eat
Learn a new card/board game (bonus for swapping games with a friend so you can do this for free!)
Make a romantic dinner together and eat by candlelight
Watch your wedding video together
Talk about the future and plan out giant dreams and goals for you to accomplish together.
Take online quizzes together (if it’s your thing, personality quizzes are a fun way to get to know yourself- and your spouse- better!)
And more!
Go to the gym together:
Often, gyms have childcare that is free (ie: included with your membership) for an hour or two. You could go work out together, get your endorphins going, and then enjoy that ‘high’ together with a soak in the hot tub or visit to the sauna afterwards!
Even the Best Marriages Need Continual Work
Imagine if you went to the gym consistently; maybe you were training for something. Let’s say you were training for a half-marathon. You went running, you worked out, and congratulations, you completed your half-marathon! You’re in shape, and you’re feeling great about it!
Now imagine that because you were really happy with your achievement, you stopped going to the gym and working out. Would you be able to run a half-marathon a month later? Maybe. How about 6 months later? Probably not.
It’s like that with relationships. Once you have them where you want them, you still have to put in maintenance effort. There will always be storms, but ideally most of the work will be fun and enjoyable. Enjoying a drink on the beach with your husband totally counts as working on your marriage! Just make sure to have a drink for me, too!
What Will You Do To Strengthen Your Marriage?
Making your marriage the priority of your family life isn’t easy. But it’s crucial. Choosing to love can be a challenging thing.
Take half a minute, be brave, and rate how strong your marriage currently is. What are it’s weak points? What are it’s strong points? Using a 1-10 scale, what was the best your marriage ever was? How do you stack up against that right now? Could you ever get to a point where it’s even better than when you were at your best?
If you’re really ready to work on strengthening your marriage, ask your spouse the same questions.
So, what steps would you be willing to take to work on your marriage? This isn’t a fluffy question. Don’t be tricked into thinking only people with time, or money, or younger/easier kids can get the chance to work on their marriage. How can you choose to love your spouse today?
It’s no secret that kids are not on their best behavior in December. Despite (or because of) the lure of presents and treats, most kids are bouncing off the walls, becoming whinier than usual, and just generally driving their parents up a wall.
Sure, you’ve tried the, “Santa’s watching, so you better be good” standby. But it’s not great; it just doesn’t feel right. That’s because A) it’s actually kinda creepy when you stop to think about it, B) it does nothing to change kid’s behavior, C) it keeps the focus of Christmas on Santa/receiving gifts, and D) it doesn’t change your behavior.
A Better Way to Better Behavior
So this year, may I suggest a happier, more joyful, gentler way of getting your kids to behave? It’ll help you nag less, and change the way you interact with your kiddos, too. AND (huge bonus) it helps re-focus Christmas back on Jesus!
All you have to do is create a small manger, and fill it with straw for Jesus in time for Christmas! (It’s ok- I’m not crafty either, it can be as simple as a shoebox and yarn.) You could call it “Fill the Manger” or “Straw for Jesus.” If you come up with a clever name, let me know! (Credit to Kendra Tierney for introducing me to this twist on a token reward system.)
HOW to Start
First, the materials. You’ll need some yellow yarn, and a shoe box. That’s really it, but you can get fancier if you want from there.
Introduce it to kids by telling them their goal is to fill the manger with straw for Jesus by Christmas Eve so he has somewhere soft to lay down.
They can get this straw by doing good, kind, helpful, or generous things.
Remember to dole out the yarn/straw.
It’s super simple, but I love this system for so many reasons. And not just because token systems are a very effective tool for behavior management. And once you start seeing all the benefits, I know you’ll love it, too!
Why “Fill the Manger” Is Such A Great System
Better sibling relationships. If you have more than one kid, you’re creating a team that is working toward a shared goal. What a great way to build sibling relationships!
You make it work for you. I like leaving the rules of how you get yarn super vague by only saying, “Do good things.” That way you have as much discretion and wiggle room as you want! You can even give lengths of yarn that are bigger, based on what your kid actually did. I’ve given yarn/straw for things as simple as listening the first time, and doing chores without being asked. I’ve also had the chance to reward kids for going WAY above and beyond (and you should’ve seen his eyes when I produce a 3′ piece of yarn!)
Finding the good. One of the nicest things about this system is that it will change the way you relate to your kids. Yes, you will still have to redirect them, etc. But you’ll find yourself looking for the good in your son or daughter. Even them just doing what’s expected of them, without drama, is considered rewardable behavior!
Reward them as much as you want! Since you’re just giving out lengths of yarn, you can be as generous as you want. No worries about cost, or spoiling your kids, or their teeth rotting because of allllll the Christmas cookies!
There’s nothing to worry about. There’s no stuffed elf to move every night, or worrying that your kids will figure out how Santa really delivers all those toys. I’m not trying to be a Scrooge- that special Christmas ‘magic’ is what makes this time so wonderful in many of our memories! But it’s nice to have a few traditions that aren’t shrouded in mystery!
Enjoy Your Kids Again
Once you start this new tradition, you will absolutely notice better behavior in your kids. (Not to mention, your voice will be less hoarse since you’re not hollering at them about Santa, or that elf, watching them all the time!) Christmas-time will never be the same, again!
If you would like more fun ideas, that you can actually use in your real life , sign-up for the newsletter below! Hope to talk to you soon!
It took me 2 years to say the words, “I have a kid with special needs.*”
2 years with surgeries, and consults, and waiting, and filling out every developmental checklist people would send me. 2 years filled with OT, PT, speech therapy; with in-home therapy, with IEP meetings, with requests for re-evaluation, with special needs transportation to school.
Avoiding the ‘Special Needs’ Label
You’d think with all that staring me in the face on a daily basis, it would be hard to dance around the phrase, “special needs.” And you’d be right.
I did consider it frequently. (What can I say? Denial is powerful.) But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about other kids I would see at the therapy office. There were kids who were non-verbal, or were using walkers; kids with more significant challenges than my son. Surely, no one would argue that they had special needs. But I was always left searching myself for the answer to the question, “Does my son belong in the same category?” He doesn’t have the most severe ‘issues’ you’ve ever seen. But he’s also not typical.
Somehow, in my mind, giving him the distinction of special needs took away from the kids with more severe disabilities than his. I had a taste of the extra challenges he faced because of his differences, and understood that bigger differences meant bigger challenges. And I felt like labeling him ‘special needs’ would minimize the work and effort of kids (and their parents!) with more significant disabilities.
Living In A Gray Area of Special Needs
Because my son doesn’t look different, it felt like we were living in the shadow world of disabilities. It was like we didn’t fit in anywhere. There were times when I felt embarrassed to be asking for services for him, because I assumed people thought I was just some hypochondriac parent. It’s not easy to advocate for your kid when you are your own biggest obstacle.
But I also experienced the challenges of trying to help him fit in with kids his age who were typically developing. I felt that I had to be extra vigilant during play groups. Things like story time at the library or swim lessons were hard to take him to, because they were categorized by age. Which meant they expected him to behave in a way he wasn’t capable of, yet. And finding someone I was willing to let watch him was incredibly stressful. Who could I find who would understand he wasn’t being bad? Who could I trust to handle his behavior and not judge me or my family?
If I had accepted the label ‘special needs’ earlier, I could’ve had access to different resources for him. I could’ve brought him to story times specifically for kids who were atypical, and felt free of judgement. I could’ve had the words to share my story with close family earlier, and experienced their amazing support.
Coming to Terms
Before I could get to the point where I could acknowledge that my son has disabilities, a number of things had to happen. First, we received a diagnosis of a long-term condition for him. The therapists were great, and gave me language to explain this new diagnosis to close family. But even though I cognitively understood this condition would be with him for the rest of his life, I found myself continuing to think that he could outgrow it. (Again, denial is powerful. And sneaky.)
Secondly, he got a pair of ‘super-hero boots.’ It became much more difficult to deny that he had special needs when I’m strapping up his ankle braces every day, and staring at the physical manifestation of his diagnosis. And reaching out to other moms of kids with ankle braces was the most efficient way to deal with the shoe ‘drama’ that comes with the territory.
Third, was my experience at his school’s field day. He was the most severely, (at least physically) delayed kid in his class. It was an acutely painful experience watching my kid struggle just to run and keep up with his peers. It forced me to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t just ‘not quite typically developing,’ he really does have some special needs that deserve attention and treatment.
I Should’ve Known He Had Special Needs
Somehow, (in the irrational, mama-bear part of my brain) I felt by being a Family Therapist, I should’ve been able to see this happening. Possibly even to prevent this. I should be able to see the behaviors, and flawlessly implement a strategy that would help him calm down. That would fix him. If I were a good mom, I should be able to help him catch up to his typical peers.
But those ‘should’s’ are a lie. Don’t believe them for a minute.
They weighed me down for too long. They still like to sneak around, and knock on the door from time to time. I’m getting quicker at catching them, so they don’t do as much damage as they used to.
We’re still in a place where we’re looking for answers. I (lovingly) compare him to an onion, and I’m slowly getting used to the idea that we may always be peeling back layers. But it is so amazing every time he takes a step forward, and I get to know him a little better.
You’re not Alone
So why am I sharing my** story now? Because I don’t want you to have to spend years wondering if you’re doing too little, or too much. I want you to be an empowered advocate for your kid, because you know them better than anyone else on this Earth. I don’t want you to be lonely, and isolated, and feel like you have to do this alone. You do belong.
Does your life story include living in this gray area between special needs and typical? How has it impacted you? I would love to hear your story!
Notes:
*I have chosen this phrase because I like how broad it is. During the stage when we didn’t have a formal diagnosis, it still fit. In it’s definition, it includes kids with learning difficulties, physical disabilities, and emotional and behavioral difficulties which are significant enough to impact their learning at school. And if it’s significant enough to impact school, it’s absolutely impacting their home life, as well.
**I do want to respect that this is his (my son’s) life. But, being his mom is a defining role in my life. I’ve tried to keep focused on my experience, and not his. In the future, it will be his decision to decide if he wants to talk about how having special needs has (or has not) impacted his life. However, I know there are other moms out there going through the same thing. If that’s you, I sincerely hope that my experience can bring you comfort, and a quicker learning curve!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
Solving Your Kid’s Sleep Problems
MY KID HATES TO GO TO SLEEP
Why don’t kids like to go to sleep? It’s a nearly universal truth that kids will try to avoid bedtime and naptime like a cat avoiding water. (I’m literally writing this as my 1 year old is yelling his protest about being put down for naptime!)
But even teenagers resist the chance to get more sleep by going to bed early. Although that phenomenon is largely explained by a developmental shift in their circadian rhythm, it still doesn’t compute with us as adults! Ugh! If only they knew what we knew…they’d sleep as much as they could!
But since that isn’t the reality that we’re facing, it’s probably best to look at the challenges head-on so we can find some solutions.
Types of Sleep Problems
There are a couple different sleep problems your kid could be facing. So to find an appropriate solution, you need to correctly identify the problem.
This is not an exhaustive list, just some common problems. Sleep problems can also be an indicator of a medical issue, so if it persists, please consult a doctor.
1. Fear of Sleep
For some kids, falling asleep can be frightening. It’s a dark unknown, and who knows if you’ll even wake back up! These kids might be suffering from nightmares and/or night-terrors, which could be causing the fear, and feeding into a vicious cycle. It would also be common for kids to struggle with fear of sleep if they recently suffered a loss.
2. Anxiety
Anxiety might take the form of making your kid’s mind race to the point where they have trouble falling asleep. If you knew you were doomed to lay in bed for 90 minutes every night before you could sleep, thinking about the things that went wrong or things left undone, you wouldn’t want to go to bed either!
3. They’re Not Tired
Your kid may physically not be ready for bed. They may have napped late in the day, or maybe they just weren’t physically active enough. Additionally, teenagers start to develop later circadian rhythms, which means even if you sent them to bed at 9pm and they complied, they may not be able to fall asleep until 11. Blame nature for that one.
4. They Don’t Want to Stop
Whatever they’re doing right before bed is so engaging that they don’t want to quit. Or maybe your kid believes that the night is a magical time when the rest of the world is having fun without them. (Proving you’re never too young for FOMO.) Whether that’s the middle of a video game (more on screen time later!) or a chapter of a particularly good book, they just can’t put it down. And even if they do physically put it down, it’ll be racing through their minds for a while.
These can all be found in the Freebie Library!
SOLVING THE SLEEP PROBLEMS
I always recommend starting with the basics. Everyone needs a bedtime routine, including a consistent bed time. And all screens should be off at least a half hour before bed, although an hour before would be best.
Additional Sleep Interventions
If the basic bedtime routine isn’t working. It’s time to try some new solutions, and soon. Because we can all agree- sleep is precious.
1. Remove the Screens
Make sure all screens are removed from the bedroom. You could try being the ‘nice guy’ by telling your kid it’s because you’re being helpful and want to make sure devices are charged for tomorrow. Or, use a family docking station, and get your kid into the habit of placing it there before bed themselves.
2. Check with The Pediatrician
If your child is on any medication, it could be worth checking if this is a side-effect, and if a change might be warranted. At minimum, you would want to bring this up at their next well-check.
3. Checking Into Supplements
Since you’re already talking to the pediatrician, you could discuss if melatonin, magnesium, or other supplements are a path you may want to pursue.
4. Make Sure They’re Active
It’s a well-know fact that kids aren’t as active as they once were. So make sure they’re getting plenty of physical activity. Maybe plan a family hike once a week, or encourage your kid to play outside or ride their bike when they tell you, “I’m bored.” Making sure kids get outside all year is important, too. One of my favorite sayings is, “There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing.” Meaning, (generally) dress for the weather and you’ll be fine!
If your child is competitive, you could try using a fitness tracker watch, like the Fitbit for Kids or an off-brand version. You can have them challenge themselves, or a family member!
5. Watch out for caffeine
Caffeine seems like it’s sneaking into everywhere now! Obviously, make sure your kid isn’t drinking coffee at 6pm, but look for the more covert places it could be, like soft drinks, chocolate, chocolate or coffee flavored foods, and medications like Midol and Excedrin (PMS and migraine relief, respectively).
6. Cue the Transition with Music
When it’s time for ‘wind-down time’ (my favorite term I learned from our favorite daycare provider!) help create the mood by playing relaxing music. You simply set a timer on your phone or tell Alexa to play soothing music at a certain time.
The genius of this is that over time, you can actually condition your kids to this music! After using this routine for a while, your kids may hear this music and actually start to feel sleepy! I love how our brains work!
7. Weighted Blankets
Weighted blankets can be useful for people with anxiety, Autism, ADHD, sensory-processing disorder, and general sleep problems. They’re wonderfully comforting, and can help your kid feel secure in their bed for a full night’s sleep.
8. Darken the Room
Create the best sleep environment you can by making sure the room is cool (not cold), free of distraction, and dark. Blackout curtains can be your best friend if you’re battling with extra light coming in through the windows.
9. Use White Noise
White noise machines have been used for everything from helping kids sleep longer, to eliminating night-terrors. Personally, when my kids are struggling with sleep problems, my attitude is “I’ll try (almost) anything once.” We did have phenomenal success with using white noise to help my two older kids sleep better.
10. Guided Relaxation
Guided relaxation is a wonderful method for relaxing your body and your mind. And it can be used for kids and adults. You can choose to use one of a number of different apps or audio tracks, or you can read below and try your hand at the self-guided version. (Make sure to grab the PDF so you can reference it later, too.) For the first few times, your kid may prefer to have you guide them through it rather than an app with a voice they don’t know.
Guided relaxation is a great solution for kids who have a hard time physically or mentally calming down enough to go to sleep.
How to Combat Sleep Problems with Guided Relaxation
The point of Guided Relaxation is to focus on your body’s sensations, instead of what is going on in your mind. It involves controlled breathing, and small, controlled muscle movements.
Start by getting into a comfortable position, and take 3 to 5 deep belly breaths. Try to quiet you mind, and just focus on how your belly feels going up and down with the breaths. Then, starting with the toes, you’ll clench different muscle groups tightly for a few breaths, and then relax. Start with the toes, and go up through the leg muscles, then from your fingers to your shoulders. Then from your stomach, to your chest, to your back and up through the neck. Make sure to include the face muscles like the jaws and forehead.
This exercise can last for just a few minutes, or you can choose to draw it out for as long as you may need.
Optionally, you can even incorporate gratitude into Guided Relaxation. (I.e.: “As you tighten your toes, think of everything they did for you today, and thank them for their hard work.) Gratitude is a wonderful antidote to anxiety, sadness and depression, and a million other things.
Check for these in the Freebie Library
Is this normal? Or something bigger?
Sleep problems can be a common reaction to normal, yet stressful, life events. Stressful events like exams, relationship/friend problems, moving, death of a relative, or an unstable living situation can all be temporary causes of poor sleep.
Sleep problems can also be related to several mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar disorder.
Once you’ve crossed the threshold of about 2-4 weeks, it’s worth calling a doctor. Make sure to document what’s going on at night so you can give the pediatrician the full scoop. Because if your kid isn’t sleeping- you’re not sleeping. And we all know the havoc that wreaks on our brains.
So, here’s to a good night’s sleep for both of you!
We all want to preserve the holidays as a happy time for our kids, so they can look back and have fond memories. So every year we spend an incalculable amount of time dreaming, planning and putting together these magical moments.
But what about your happy memories? When you look back on the last couple year’s holidays, are they happy? Or just a blur of things-to-do and exhaustion. How often do you get to Christmas, and just wish it would be over already.
That is not a recipe for a Happy Holiday. Christmas and Thanksgiving are a time to celebrate, enjoy some family togetherness, and maybe, even some peace.
Avoiding Stress In The Chaos
For many families, the holidays are anything but peaceful. The Christmas chaos seems like it’s a given. There are a million holiday parties to schedule around, recitals and school productions, gifts to find, make and wrap, and special meals to plan and prepare.
And, there are tricky family situations to navigate.
So often, when we’re talking about family, it feels like the choices are out of our control. How many times have you said something like, “I can’t NOT go to dinner at my mom’s! She’ll hold it against me for the whole year!”
This is a big problem, because when we feel we don’t have a choice, we often end up resenting our situation (or the person). Believing you don’t have a choice also steals your joy! And I promise, there’s always a choice. Even if it’s just between the lesser of two evils.
Take back your choices
We need to understand that it’s our choice to build this season up, or to enjoy it simply. It’s a choice to listen to the commercialization of the season, and believe that we need buy into allllll the trimmings that go with it.
Stress sneaks into our lives in a bunch of different ways in November and December. Often the first step is to realize the vision we have in mind of a ‘perfect Thanksgiving’ or a ‘perfect Christmas.’
Now, seriously assess how attainable that is. Is that even what you want? Do you want multiple social engagements every weekend, and to eat dozens of extra cookies, and to fill our house to the bursting point with extra decorations?
What is the cost of striving for this? I’m talking about the literal financial cost, of course, as well as the emotional and physical toll.
Set your goals for the holiday season. Pick a few meaningful things, and do them well. (Make sure you collaborate with your spouse about this, too. I guarantee they have their own thoughts about meaningful activities for Christmas and Thanksgiving.)
Often, we feel obligated to repeat traditions from our past. But this is a chance to re-evaluate them. There is nothing wrong with saying, “That was a beautiful time and memory for me from when I was little. But it just doesn’t make sense for what our family needs now.” Curating your family traditions is NOT disrespectful to your past.
Tips For Avoiding Types of Holiday Stress
Holiday Stress from Over-Scheduling:
Keep at least one day of the week clear from work and obligations. (Sundays are an obvious choice, but if you work a non Monday-Friday, find a different day, and keep it as clear as possible.)
Say NO to invitations that will cause you stress.
Multi-purpose your gatherings with friends. Use the time together to wrap presents, make gifts, or bake treats that will be needed for other upcoming functions.
Re-schedule things for January if possible.
Start some tasks early (like making and freezing cookie dough in large batches in November).
Holiday Stress from Extended Family:
Set boundaries, and let family know as far in advance as possible about when you will be and where.
When setting these boundaries, it’s important to think not only about what you’ve done in the past, but what your own family currently needs.
If you have to explain new boundaries to family, try to phrase it so they can give you a ‘yes.’ For example, “Will you help me make this Christmas as magical and non-hurried for the kids as possible?”
Know your triggers, and have a plan. (I know, I just summed up years of therapy in one sentence. Talk about easier said than done!)
Skip the alcohol at family parties. It always sounds like it’ll help ‘take the edge off’ but usually it prevents us from being in complete control of ourselves. Bonus- you’ll feel better in the morning!
Prepare! Is there something you’re afraid of happening? Or being asked? Are you nervous about your kids being judged?
Have some pre-planned responses
Prepare your kids; if you’re going to dinner at your in-laws, and are worried about your kid’s behavior you could have a ‘fancy’ practice dinner at your house first! It’s a chance to practice all those manners, and maybe earn some dessert. (You don’t have to serve anything fancy- it can be mac & cheese with a piece of fruit for dessert!)
If food refusal is something you’re worried about, you could try preparing a response from yourself, or giving your kid polite ways to say no thank you.
Holiday Stress from Finances:
Go back to your big picture; what and why are you celebrating in the first place.
Establish a budget, and don’t stray from it
Make gifts when possible; trim the gift giving list
Be honest with people you might not be able to give gifts to this year. You may be surprised by people’s responses! No one wants to be a burden!
Enjoy a Peaceful Holiday Season!
You CAN reclaim the peace in your life this holiday season. Remember, you don’t have to do everything; just choose a few meaningful activities and do them well. Attack the holiday stress by addressing the family obligations, the over-scheduling, and the finances. And don’t forget to choose peace over stress this holiday season! After all, as the carol goes, “Let there be peace on Earth. And let it begin with me.”
If you want more parenting tips and strategies for a happier, more peaceful home all year, make sure to sign-up for the newsletter below!
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Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
If you have a single sarcastic bone in your body, you can use this tool to prevent power struggles. It’s also a fun way to help your preschooler or toddler listen, and change their behavior. And it’s easy, and doesn’t take much effort at all!
I’m talking about reverse psychology. This little beauty is nearly magical- and you don’t even need to know Freudian Psychology to use it!
Let’s say that you have a toddler who is a dawdler (aren’t they all?!) but you really need them to put their shoes on by themselves, quickly, while you multitask and get everything else ready.
Turn Power Struggles into Giggles
Youcouldchoose to of have a power struggle with someone less than half your size. OR you could have a happy, giggly, cooperating kid. (I know which, I’d choose, but hey, if you’re into masochism, you do you.)
So, instead of telling your kiddo, “Put your shoes on! And Mommy needs you to be quick today!” you’re going to actually tell them “Don’t put your shoes on.”
Turn Power Struggles into Giggles
You could choose to of have a power struggle with someone less than half your size. OR you could have a happy, giggly, cooperating kid. (I know which, I’d choose, but hey, if you’re into masochism, you do you.)
Instead of telling your kiddo, “Put your shoes on! And Mommy needs you to be quick today!” you’re going to actually tell them “Don’t put your shoes on.”
I know. Stay with me.
The Power of Marketing
Now, the trick to this is the same trick for anything toddler related. It’s ALL about the marketing. If you really want them to change their behavior, you’ve got to sell this.
Start by putting their shoes right in front of them. It’ll make it even more tempting, and less likely that they get distracted by something else. Then lay it on thick. “Sweetie, I’ll be right back to put your shoes on. I knooooow you don’t like to do it, so I don’t want you, under any circumstance, to put your shoes on. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even touch those shoes!”
Be Over the Top
If they’re not giggling before you leave the room, you need to lay it on thicker. “Oh! I see you’re being suuuuch a good listener!! You are soooo good to not put those shoes on! I don’t even know what I’d do if I came back and you had them on!”
If you’re one of those awesome people who can make their eyes twinkle, you should do that while you’re saying this. We need to make sure they understand to listen to our non-verbal cues, and not the words we’re saying.
Mixed Messages?
Obviously, we’re sending two different messages, but that’s the great part! Don’t worry too much about it. Kids are incredibly intuitive, and they are excellent at interpreting their parents.
We’ve turned this normal, every day task into a game. So you’re building relationship with your kid, and spending quality time with them, and getting them to put their darn shoes on! It’s a win-win-win.
We’re able to stop power struggles with this because we’ve created a Catch-22 where you have all the power! You’ve told them to put on their shoes, and to NOT put on their shoes.
So, regardless of the outcome, your kid ACTUALLY LISTENED TO YOU! No more power struggle. You are firmly back in charge.
Say that Jane didn’t put her shoes on. Well then, you actually have nothing to be angry about, because she listened to you. Plus, with all the joking and giggles and smiles, it’ll be hard to be angry.
And if she did put her shoes on, then she’s done what you wanted. We’re happy and can continue peacefully with the day!
Precautions
For older kids, it doesn’t work as well to be so over the top. So this is definitely a tool to use with the littler ones.
Also, you don’t want to use this as your only behavior modification tool. But it is great for a ‘quick fix’ or for small problem times, like getting out the door.
If you want to learn about other ways to help manage your kid’s behavior, and avoid power struggles, make sure to sign-up below for the weekly newsletter!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
Kids acting impulsively- whatever that looks like for your family- is often some of the most challenging behavior for us to deal with as parents. Impulsive behaviors are, by nature, spontaneous. So your home can feel unpredictable and chaotic; like you can never get ahead of your kid’s behaviors. Every day there are battles to be on time, verbal outbursts, and even bigger worries like lying, stealing, and wandering/running away. It’s overwhelming when you feel like you can’t impact your child’s behaviors.
It’s Exhausting and Heartbreaking
Every single parent I’ve met who has a kid with poor impulse control and/or ADHD has felt like a failure at some point. You’re not alone. I’ve been there, too. But my message for you is this: you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for.
You are parenting an objectively difficult to raise child. You are trying every single day. There is no such thing as an ‘easy day’ for you; even if your kid’s away at someone else’s house, you’re worrying about how they’re behaving there. Self-care is often an after-thought, or just something that parents with ‘normal’ kids do.
Your emotional stores are depleted, but your kid still needs you to show up for them. The solution is not about giving them another half hour outside to ‘run it off.’ These kids have brains that are wired differently, and no amount of physical activity will change their brain composition. So, how do you start making changes when you feel stuck?
Impulse Control Strategies for Better Behavior
Whenever you start to implement impulse control strategies, it is critical to consider a kid’s developmental level. For example, if we identify the major behavior that needs addressed is temper-tantrums because a kid didn’t get their way, we need to consider the age of the child. If that kid is 2, the realistic answer is that they’re not ready for full-blown interventions, and we need to take a look at safety planning and/or making a plan to respond to the behavior when it does happen. But, if that kid has a developmental age of 6 (even if they’re 8 years old), they’re ready to start talking about the emotions and how they connect with the physical feelings in their body to start and prevent some of this behavior.
There is no quick fix. I wish I could sugar-coat that, but I know you already know that in your heart, so there’s no point in hiding it. Don’t let it stop you, though! Just think of where you could be in 6 months if you start working on this with your kid now!
Possible Pre-Step: Safety Plan
If your kid is exhibiting any behaviors that are dangerous to themselves or others, you absolutely need to safety plan first. Some examples of dangerous behavior could be throwing things, hitting, biting, wandering or even self-harm. Kids with poor impulse control don’t stop to think about the consequences of their actions, so we need to build a safety-net around them.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has found that the predominant mental health diagnosis of children (ages 5-11) who completed suicide was ADHD, and not Depression like in other age groups. This suggests that a child’s impulsivity is related to the suicide, and that safety planning by removing the temptation for impulsive behaviors can be an effective prevention tool. Once you have a plan to keep everyone safe, you can move on to the next impulse control strategies.
1. Choose ONE behavior to zero in on.
It may not be the biggest problem, but choose something that will either be impactful for you or your kid to deal with, OR something you’re pretty sure you can get traction on. Choosing just one behavior helps your kid get focused in on improving it, too.
The thought behind choosing something small that you think you could realistically change is that it will build confidence; both in you, and your kid. Every day, kids with poor impulse control are receiving the message that they’re bad, disobedient, out-of-control, or plain-old not-good-enough. If you help them make a change in their behavior, no matter how small it is, you’ll be giving them the confidence that they are capable of doing anything. That’s a powerful lesson!
2. Be a super sleuth.
Notice everything related to the ONE behavior you’ve chosen. Now you need to notice everything from how much sleep they’re getting, to foods they’ve eaten, to the environment(s) they’re in. Don’t limit yourself to looking at certain times of day, we’ll look for patterns later. Also- don’t forget to notice when they’re doing well! THAT’s really important data, too! Enlist teachers, baby-sitters, grandparents, or whoever else is involved in your kid’s life, to help you out by sharing observations. Try to keep it non-judgmental and objective. For example: “Jackson ran out of the room and screamed about not wanting to do homework.” Not, “Jackson was terrible and behaved like a wild animal.”
3. Document.
Pick a method that everyone involved will use. Make a google spreadsheet, use a spare notebook from back-to-school sales, use a shared app on your phone. Just pick the easiest thing for you!
I know you’re crazy busy and already overwhelmed, so I made a free, printable, fillable worksheet for you to help you keep your thoughts and observations organized. Check it out!
4. Go back and look for patterns and make connections.
Does Jackson scream more after he comes home from school? Maybe school is draining for him, and he needs a different after-school routine? Whatever your kid is doing, it’ll be much easier to tackle if you have a sense of why (or at least when) it’s happening. We’re not excusing it; we’re trying to understand it.
5. Implement Impulse Control Strategies Based on Your Findings
You’re not just going to throw something at the wall and see what sticks. Nope! Not you. You’re way smarter than that! You are going to choose some impulse control strategies based on what your child actually needs. There are 4 groups of skills, beyond continuing emotional, social and cognitive development that kids need to build stronger impulse control. There are stress-reduction skills, mindfulness, problem-solving skills, and tolerating delayed gratification.
Implementing Impulse Control Strategies is a Long-Game
This isn’t an over night fix. But you’re on the right path. Just a few closing tips:
It’s best to use these strategies when your kid is calm, and not during the middle of impulsive behavior.
It may be time to re-evaluate your kid’s medication (if they’re on any) and possibly even their diagnosis.
If your child is taking any psych meds, you want to make sure they’re seeing a child psychiatrist or psychologist. The pediatrician is a good stop-gap person, but you need a specialist.
Getting momentum is the hardest part. So take a deep breath, and dive in. There’s really no better way.
Affiliate disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Should you choose to buy from these links, I will receive a small commission, at no extra cost to you. Learn more here.
Book Review for “Differently Wired”
Differently Wired, (affiliate link), explores the challenges of parents and caregivers raising kids who are developing outside the norm. Differently Wired is a very inclusive term, which can mean everything from learning disabilities, developmental delays, and Down’s Syndrome, to autism and/or giftedness. It’s basically any diagnosis that would result in kids thinking, learning, or behaving differently. It’s a book about changing our mindsets, for the better. To proudly stand beside our kids, to grow with them, to advocate for them.
Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World. By Deborah Reber
The author, Deborah Reber, spends the first section of the book laying out why we can no longer accept the status quo- both as parents and as a society- for our kids. She then goes into how we can shift our mindset, with “TiLTS” in thinking.
The TiLTS can mainly be grouped into the categories of: 1) letting your child be the wonderful person they are; 2) finding personal growth as a parent, and; 3) advocacy and how to deal with the world/school systems. Each of the 18 TiLTS is an easily digestible chapter, complete with pro-tips and actionable advice.
It’s (sadly) not often we hear the up-side of diagnoses like dyslexia (an amazing ability to rotate shapes and figures in your mind!) or any of the many other causes of being differently wired addressed in the book. But she insists on you- and others- seeing your child with their strengths first. She somehow also balances this with our need to sometimes grieve about the loss of the “typical” dream. But she doesn’t let you stay down for long! In fact, one of my favorite quotes from the book,
“Maybe, just maybe, a bad day is actually a good day in disguise.” (Page 131)
Differently Wired is written from the author’s perspective as the parent of a son with autism, giftedness and ADHD, and she leans heavily on her own experiences. But she does bring in plenty of other experts, and anecdotes from people in her community to help balance it. I do believe any parent of a differently wired child would be able to take something positive away from this book.
Who Should Read Differently Wired?
This book is primarily for parents and caregivers of differently wired children. It would also be a very worthwhile read for anyone spending a lot of time around these kids- like grandparents, teachers, or coaches. If you’re a parent of a typically developing child, it’s an interesting read to broaden your horizons, but it may not be “required” reading.
Yes! I emphatically recommend it! To be honest, I had meant to quickly skim this book so I could get this review to you almost a month ago. But once I started, I couldn’t put it down quickly. It deserved to be read. Every. Single. Word. As a parent of 2 differently wired kids, this spoke to me personally, and to the balancing act between the ‘normal’ and differently wired worlds I occupy as their mom. Reber scoops you up, and lets you know you are not in this alone. And that’s the real power of this book.
Are there any parenting books you’re on the fence about reading, or would like me to review? Let me know in the comments below, and I promise to add them to the list!
But I don’t need to convince you. MOST parents I talk to are already way on board with wanting to help their kid, tween or teen gain impulse-control (or self-control) skills. But actually helping our teens learn impulse control skills is a much different task. Talking about it, telling them they need more impulse control, and lectures won’t get us anywhere. The best way to teach is through specifically designed impulse control activities for teens, tweens and big kids.
Tips for Parents Before Teaching Impulse Control Activities For Teens
Before you dive in- whenever you’re working with a teenager, you need to know it’s a two way street. We still have to prepare ourselves as parents, even more than when they were younger. I have a couple of suggestions to help ensure that once you get to the point of actually implementing these impulse control activities for teens things will go more smoothly.
1. Have Realistic Expectations
Don’t set the bar too high, but don’t set it too low, either. If you know what they’re currently capable of, your expectation should be 1 or maybe 2 steps beyond that. Also, understand that there will always be some low-level impulsive ‘stuff’ to their personality. Yes, it may drive you crazy, but try not to get bogged down by the little things.
2. Use Routines to your advantage
You can initially reduce some of the need for impulse control by using routines. These are people who desperately need routines and structure. When your brain is acting like a pinball machine, structure is a safe place to rest; even if your teen seems resistant to it at first. If you’re on a diet, (which takes an immense amount of impulse control) you would set yourself up for success by removing the treats from your house, and planning out your meals. Give your teens the same benefit with routine in their life! Just because they’re impulsive, doesn’t mean they need- or even want- everything to be spontaneous.
3. Give Extra Support to the Extra Challenging Times
If you can, create extra structure around a particularly stressful time of day (or event- like exams) to help find more peace. Is getting to school on time a challenge? Implement a routine for night that includes making sure clothes are laid out, homework- and anything else they need- is already in the backpack, etc.
4. Get Their Buy-In
When you’re working with a teen, you need their buy-in to implement change. Find the common ground during a calm moment. For example, “Can we both agree that there’s too much fighting in the mornings before school?” Instead of “You’re always running late, and it’s not ok.” Maybe your teen has some ideas about what would help them be on time? If you give them the time and space to open up, you might be surprised how insightful they are!
5. Pick One Area to Work On at A Time
Have you ever had a big project going on at work, while you’re trying to stay on a very strict diet, and you’re also not spending money because you’re on a tight budget? It’s completely overwhelming to focus on so many things, and share your attention span and impulse control over so many facets of your life. Classwork, peers, girl/boyfriends, jobs, parents, and extracurriculars are all vying for that limited amount of impulse control. So, from where I’m standing, you have two choices for deciding which area to start with. Option 1– Where is impulse-control getting your kid into trouble the most? Are they interrupting, or wandering, or chronically late? Choose one topic, and if you can, break it down even smaller, like working on not interrupting your teachers (we’ll get to parents later). Think of it as ‘niching down.’ Option 2– Where will you be able to make the biggest impact the quickest? Will simply making sure the homework actually gets back to school be the biggest difference maker? You could choose to focus on that first.
6. Understand They Will Still Need Your Help
Teens are doing everything they can to gain more and more independence- which is completely developmentally appropriate! So I understand that it feels incongruent to say that they need even more help right now. But when we give them a new task to try, they’re going to need our support. If they have support, they’ll be more successful, which will give them more confidence, which will make them want to continue on their own. Once they’re confident in the task, you can peel back some of your support- layer by layer.
7. Practice, Practice, Practice
Impulse control is best compared to a muscle, and not a set of knowledge. You can’t go to the gym once a month, or even once a week, and really expect to grow stronger. This isn’t something that can be taught once, and then you expect them to know how to do it. It will take consistent work, for a lifetime, to grow and keep the impulse control ‘muscles’ strong.
8. Be A Good Role-Model
The need to continue practicing impulse control extends into our adult lives. So be the best role-model you can! If you can’t be perfect, (and no one expects you to be!) talk about it with your kid. You can even check out ideas for improving your own impulse control.
Life Skills to Improve Impulse Control
So, now that you have your teen’s buy-in, let’s talk about what skills actually make a difference in improving impulse control. Then we’ll get to translating those skills into actual impulse control activities for teens.
First, teenagers need to continue in their emotional, mental and social development. As they continue developing, the brain matures through experience and they can start to feel some of the regret, and see the social consequences of poor impulse control. And with greater mental development, they will gain the ability to think about different behaviors that would lead to different outcomes.
Second, we need to help them with their stress-reduction skills. Think about when you’re most likely to break your diet and have that dessert, or glass of wine, you told yourself you wouldn’t. It’s not when you’re calm and in control. It’s when you’re feeling stressed out, and out of control. Most teens experience a tremendous amounts of stress, so giving them better stress-reduction techniques can help improve impulse control in the same way it can help you stick to a diet, etc.
Third, we can help our teenagers develop mindfulness. This goes hand in hand with stress-reduction. But by learning mindfulness, too, they can start sensing their body’s physical cues about when stress and impulses are about to take over. Mindfulness is excellent for helping overall regulation. If you think of your teen as a car, that would be the care and maintenance part. It’s also great for quick stress-reduction, which addresses ’emergency repairs.’
Fourth, we need to give them concrete problem-solving skills. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If we haven’t taught our teens to respond in a different way when a problem arises, they will continue with the same problematic (impulsive) behavior from the past. We need to give them the tools to be able to step-back, analyze, and solve a problem.
Lastly, we need to provide them opportunities to practice delayed gratification. The need for instant gratification can get teens into a lot of trouble. Unprotected sex, verbal outbursts, physical aggression, and using drugs are all things people do because they ‘wanted to’ or because it felt like the right thing at the time. If you’re asking, “Why did you do that?” and getting responses like, “I don’t know,” “just because,” or “because I wanted to,” chances are you’re dealing with a teen with very little ability to tolerate delayed gratification.
Impulse Control Activities for Teens
I’ll break these activities down by life-skill. Many of these skills may seem basic to you as an adult, but your teen may need a reminder to use the new tools in their toolbox. Gentle, friendly reminders are going to help them create routines and new, positive habits. But they won’t be able to do it without you. New habits can take at least 28 days to build, but they can fall apart quicker than that through sporadic use.
1. Emotional, Mental and Social Development
Organized sports/activities/clubs
Keep a journal; reflect on when you were able to exhibit impulse control, and when you were not. What did you mean to happen?
Have a few pre-planned responses to help ward off peer pressure
For teens with trouble regulating time, use a planner with hour (or even half hour) time slots. Build in timers and routines for filling out the planner and referencing it. (Read about more time management tips for teens here.)
2. Stress-Reduction Techniques
Take a shower
Have a mantra or Bible passage memorized. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NRSV) is a personal favorite, but a quick Google or Pinterest search will help you find many more.
Write out the things you are, and are NOT in control of.
Practice deep breathing.
Dance
Physical activity
Blowing bubbles
Coloring
Journaling
3. Developing Mindfulness
Practice yoga, meditation, or even just controlled breathing
Identify which situations are most likely to get you in trouble, then work backwards. What feelings do you have before it? What events precede it? Are you misreading situations? (Also applies to Continued Development and Problem-Solving Skills.)
Use the “Stop, think, go” technique when you start to have feelings that indicate impulsivity.
4. Problem-solving Skills
Understand problem areas, and develop a few planned responses
Practice breaking problems down into smaller chunks
Ask for help
Make a plan
Step back, and come back to the problem later with fresh eyes
5. Practicing Delayed Gratification
Plan and budget for a special purchase
Gardening
Long-term (start with 1-2 weeks, and build from there) crafts or projects.
Large puzzles
Bonus- Activities for Impulsive Interrupting/Verbal Outbursts
If these techniques are mainly going to be used in a classroom setting, your teen may want to talk to their teachers, or you could send a quick email to let them know what’s going on, so your kid doesn’t feel pressured or rushed. I would recommend practicing this at home to the point where your teen is comfortable before bring this to school, though.
Before talking, practice taking a deep breath, and taking that extra second to consider the response.
Practice literally talking slower.
‘Parrot’ back the question. Try not to repeat word for word, but state your understanding. “So, you’re asking if…” This one take a lot of practice.
Use imagery to help. Imagine a zipper on your mouth. Or, imagine your mouth is stuffed full of marshmallows, and you can only respond with 1 or 2 words.
Removing the Layers of Support
Your support is critical to your teen. If they try to push you away, or act like the don’t want or need your help, just remember that they’re doing their developmental job. It also probably means you need some more buy-in from them.
Once they have developed the routine, you can slowly remove some of your supports. But think of it like Jenga- things don’t go well if you just take 10 pieces at once out of the base. But if you slowly and strategically remove blocks from the bottom, you can be left with something that stands stronger and taller than when you started.
If you’ve been left feeling drained, exhausted, and out of ideas, sign up for the newsletter! I will help build you back up, through encouragement, new tips, and by being someone to bounce ideas off of. I hope to hear from you soon!
How many times do you find yourself saying “Whhhhy did you do that?!”
If it’s too many to count, you’re probably struggling with poor impulse control in children at your house.
And to top it off, is your kid’s response your questioning “Why,” just a shoulder shrug and “I dunno.” Or, “I just wanted to”?!
It’s frustrating on a good day, and it’s downright infuriating on the others! It’s like a brick wall that blocks all further conversation, and stops your from taking any steps forward.
But even if you can’t move forward, you still have options. You can take a step back.
If your son or daughter doesn’t recognize the cause of their action, we need to address that before we’re able to move on to the action itself. I really like the analogy of teaching impulse control in children to teaching potty-training. Because A) it’s something we’ve all done with our kids, B) it’s massively based on child development, and C) even though it can be hard to teach -and learn- the payoffs are enormous.
The First Steps of Impulse Control
The steps from ‘going’ in a diaper to using a potty need to include recognizing the urge, understanding what it means, and then choosing to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. There can be different feelings behind impulsive behavior for kids; anger, anxiety, or even joy. Cognitive differences, such as ADHD, autism or developmental delays also contribute to poor impulse control in children. Kid’s developmental stage has a huge impact on impulsive behavior. Strong emotions have the ability to block out rational thought, so we need to control our emotions before we’re able to control our thoughts and actions.
So the first step is recognizing the feeling.
Steps For Better Impulse Control In Children
Maybe I should clarify, and say that the first step is really for kids to recognize the feeling AND label it. It does us no good if you’re calling something yellow, and I’m calling it green. We’ll be mixed up and confused before we can even talk about what to DO with the emotions. We need to be on the same page, and that starts with the language we use. In light of that, here are some first steps to addressing impulse control in children.
1. Sensations in the Body are the first clue
This is huge. Kids often experience feelings in their bodies before they understand their emotions. Things like upset stomachs, a dizzy head, and clenched fists are all great clues for how a kid is feeling. You might even call anger the ‘tight fist feeling’ (if that’s the actual physical response your kid has- otherwise fill in the blank) before it starts to really click in your kid’s head that the emotion they’re having is anger.
2. Use the kid’s own language
If your son or daughter says, “I feel worried” or “my stomach gets sick about getting an answer wrong at school” that’s a goldmine! Use THEIR words! When you parrot it back, just say, “I’m so sorry to hear your stomach gets sick, let’s talk about that.” You don’t have to try and translate it to “you sound like you’re anxious.” They’ll feel more understood, and accepted for who they are, if you’re taking the effort to listen to exactly what they’re saying. Which, will make them more likely to talk about it with you in the future!
3. Use Lots of Books
So your kid’s not a talker? That doesn’t mean they get to shut down the whole conversation. Don’t underestimate the power of a good book, especially for topics like impulse control in children. They can be a great tool for starting conversations, normalizing feelings, and giving kids the language to talk about what’s going on with them! Some books to check out (These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon associate I earn from qualifying purchases):
If you can’t find a book about a specific topic, or don’t feel like running out to the library, you can always tell a short story. Keep it short and simple, and close to your kid’s situation without being an exact duplicate. *Hint hint* The story doesn’t actually have to be about a friend. It could be your younger self, or it could be a made-up person. Or if you’re not comfortable with your story-telling skills, you could flip the script and ask your kid to tell you a story (about someone in their position) instead.
5. Talk About Feelings In Everyday Life
Tell your kid(s) how you’re feeling -while still maintaining boundaries, please- to help normalize that humans feel all kinds of emotions. There’s no wrong emotion- it’s just about what you do with it. (I.e.: Your kid is allowed to feel mad, but they’re not allowed to hit.) I like to also drive the point home with reinforcing the physical aspects of emotions. So I might tell kids, “when I get nervous or scared, my chest feels tight, like there’s an elephant sitting on it.” When I can use descriptive language like that, I’m much more likely to get them to chime in with something like, “Oh yeah!! I felt like that when I couldn’t see my mom at school pick-up!”
Start Talking About Impulse Control In Children
We can help improve impulse control in children by giving them the language to talk about it. How are you currently talking about feelings, in general, with your kid? Are you helping them make the connections? Did you think of a specific word or phrase they use, especially about impulsive behaviors?
The free printable (that you can grab right above!) has some prompts and spaces where you can write down these answers for a quick reference.
Which of these steps do you think your kid, in particular, would relate to best? Let me know in the comments below!
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Kids without impulse control are hard to manage. They are reactors, and not thinkers, which can make parenting them feel like your parenting a hand-grenade. You never know when they’ll have a fit or meltdown, try to run away, throw something across the room, or act out aggressively. Learning impulse control is imperative for kids, whether they are typically developing or they are experiencing a range of mental health or cognitive disorders.
Impulse Control Is Part of Child Development
Impulse control isn’t about “bad kids” and “good kids.” It’s about whether their brain has had a chance to develop brakes. I know it’s not a scientific term, but it really is the best descriptor I’ve found. Just because your child is having fits, or throwing something across the room DOES NOT mean they are a “bad kid.” Their brain simply hasn’t had a chance to develop yet.
Everyone will eventually develop these brakes that stop us from impulsively making poor choices- like eating an entire bowl full of cookie dough, or running out into the street without looking to chase a ball. (Interestingly, a new way to conceptualize ADHD is as a developmental delay in impulse control.) Impulse control, or self-restraint, will vary in strength from person to person- like other personality traits. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give it a helping hand!
Teaching Impulse Control
I hear you! It’s REALLY hard to live with a kid who’s throwing things, hitting people, or running out into the street because they’re not thinking it through. The good news is, you can help them develop impulse control with practice. The bad news is, it’s also going to take patience because you literally have to wait for their brain to develop. But you can help their brain start making all the connections and create the right pathways through practice. You’ve helped your kid achieve a million other milestones, and you can help coach them to learn better impulse control, too!
There are actually a lot of similarities to teaching impulse control, and potty training. In potty training, the kid has to recognize the feeling of needing to use the bathroom, understand what it means, and then choose to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. And in both cases, some kids will be a breeze to teach, and will seemingly pick this up by themselves. Others will be a hard-fought battle, whether due to temperament or developmental delays or cognitive differences. The silver-lining here is that the most difficult challenges are the sweetest to overcome!
Parent Or Coach?
As a sidebar before these awesome practice activities- I know coaching and teaching your kid to go further than they thought possible is an amazing part of being a parent. But being the person who loves them unconditionally, and thinks they’re perfect and wonderful and amazing just how they are? That’s something only you can do. You are their parent, and it’s an awesome and singular responsibility. Take some pressure off yourself; you’re not their therapist. So don’t push too hard, follow your child’s lead with these activities, build-up their tolerance gradually, and have fun!
Impulse Control Activities for Kids
1. Red Light, Green Light
It may not be a fancy, or glamorous game, but this has all the components of good activity for developing impulse control. The kid has to listen, has to choose to follow the rules, must have control of their body, and has to temporarily do something they don’t want to (i.e.: stop at the “red light”).
2. Simon Says
Another low-tech, no-prep impulse control activity for children that focuses on listening, body control, and the ability to physically restrain yourself.
3. Balloon Toss
This one takes 15 seconds of prep-work. Give your kid an inflated balloon, and ask them not to throw it up in the air for 30 sec. (or less depending on your kid- this isn’t a punishment.) You want them to have that feeling of “but I waaaaant to” before you let them toss it a few times. Then talk about that feeling, and how they were able to overcome it. Just for a few sentences; this shouldn’t be a lecture! They just exemplified impulse control!!
4. Board Games
Turn taking is an excellent way to practice restraining impulsive behavior! Games like Chutes and Ladders, Sorry, Trouble, or Monopoly, where there are negatives like being sent back to the start (or jail!!), provide a second-layer of ‘fun discomfort’ to challenge your kid! Try these less common board games for impulse control for a great twist on game night
5. Organized Sports
Many communities start offering organized sports around age 3. Don’t worry about whether or not your kid will be good! It’s not about that. Even super young organized sports require basic listening, sharing and self-restraint. And playing on a team can be a fun way to practice these skills, and maybe even make some friends!
Transferring These Skills To Real-Life
You may be feeling anxious for these skills to start showing in real-life, instead of just games. But remember when your sweet little baby started walking? He or she didn’t start just walking down the street by themselves! And you didn’t berate them for holding onto the couch to get to you while you waved a stuffed animal at them so they’d walk to you. You played games, and cheered them on and maybe even caught those first steps on camera! And when they fell, even after they learned to walk, you helped them back up. Your kiddo will get there with impulse control, too. It may not be on your time-frame, but it’ll happen.
To help this transfer to real-life, you can work on recognizing any time that they exhibit self-restraint/impulse control, and commenting on it immediately. (This is not a group that responds well to delayed gratification.) In the meantime, I’d suggest practicing excellent self-care and getting a break when you can.
I need to explain that I am not here to ‘fix’ kids from being introverts. It’s an enduring- and wonderful- personality trait! These kids are often deep thinkers, evaluaters and good listeners, which I think are all traits to be admired.
But because they are not as likely as their extroverted peers to seek out social interaction, it is common for introverted kids to have less developed social skills. And while it’s fine to prefer some solitude instead of a general ruckus, I want these kiddos to be on equal footing with the extroverts. Because human beings were designed to live in community; we need each other. So we all need solid social skills to be able to effectively interact with other people.
We all want our kids to be successful adults. And whether you measure that by your kid having a successful career, or stable and meaningful relationships, social skills are key. It has long been established that extroverts earn more money, most likely because those individuals are comfortable with communication in group settings, and are then perceived to be leaders. And it should go without saying that communication is essential to healthy relationships.
Social Skills Are A Learned Skill
Let me make this analogy. If there were a kid who doesn’t know how to stand on one foot, I would make sure he or she develops the skill. Not because I particularly care if this child stands around like a flamingo, but because I know there are additional skills built on top of the ability to balance and stand on one foot (like getting dressed while standing up, and going up the stairs with alternating feet, for example). Standing on one foot is a pre-requisite skill.
Basic social skills are the same way. If you don’t help kids develop these stepping-stone skills, big social skills (like interviewing or presenting) seem that much more out of reach.So let’s set these kids up for success!
Social Skills For Kids Who Are Introverts
1. Manners
Manners are critical to social skills. They are the oil that helps everything keep rolling smoothly. Parents are often quick to teach ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ but don’t forget about other phrases like, “May I…?” and if they were at a friend’s house “Thank you for having me over.”
2. Respond
One quality of introverts is that they tend to be critical thinkers, so if you ask a kid a question, he/she may not respond because they’re busy thinking! The good news is that we, as their parents, can teach them that they need to always respond to a question. And if they don’t have their final answer, they can use a response like, “Let me think about that” or “I need a minute.”
3. Respond with an ‘and’
This is one of those social skills that can really help draw out those introverted kids! If someone asks your kid, “Are you having a nice summer?” how likely is it that they just say “Yes” or some other one word answer? (I feel like I can see heads nodding!!) So, we can teach them to say “Yes, AND I like going to the beach” or “No, AND I’ve been sick this summer.” Especially if you’re going to a family reunion, or some other function where you know they’ll be asked these sorts of questions, you could think about coaching your kid to come up with a few canned answers.
4. Eye contact
Kids (introverts AND extroverts) can be notorious for speaking to us while looking the completely opposite way. I get that looking someone in the eye can be hard. And if there’s a power-differential, like when they’re addressing an adult, it can be especially challenging. But physically speaking towards the person you’re speaking to is a critical skill. If they’re especially intimidated by making eye-contact, there’s always the age old trick of looking at someone’s eyebrows!
5. Follow-up question
This is a skill that will have everyone raving about how charming and personable your child is. When was the last time a 9 year old asked you how you are? That sort of poise tends to knock some socks off!
It’s a hard concept for some kids to organically grasp, because they’re still developmentally in a very egocentric state. To put it bluntly, other people’s life experiences isn’t something many kids think about. This is another one of the social skills where you can coach kids, and prepare them with a few planned questions. Even just “How are you?” is wonderful questions for a kid to be asking. You can practice this skill at the dinner table, with everyone asking each other questions like, “How was your day?” (Having a few planned questions can also be a handy trick for many adults!)
Social Skills for Introverts Only?
This list of social skills is not exclusive to introverts. Extroverts certainly need to learn manners, too. But each personality- and each individual- has their own strengths and weaknesses. So this list of social skills is meant to help kids who are introverts with areas that tend to be challenges.
Extroverts still can have many challenges when it comes to social skills, but they are often slightly different than the ones mentioned above.
Use these tips to slowly coach your kiddo, and see if you notice a difference. The Free Social Skills PDF is right below, and will definitely help you in that process.
There is immense pressure on us as parents to spend as much time as possible with our kids. AND to have that time filled with amazing activities and quality time.
The incredible thing is- we’re spending twice the amount of time with our kids than the parents of 1975. And it’s driving a lot of parents to the breaking point. Working parents feel stressed and guilty for not having as much time with their kids, and stay at home parents are exhausted by the endless attempt to engage with kids all day. No one is winning.
But how much quality time do we need to actually be spending with our kids per day? What if I told you that you could hack the quality time system to make it enjoyable for everyone? You can- just by zeroing in on what your kid needs, so you can drop all the extras, and ditch the stress. Wouldn’t that be the dream?! Happy kids AND happy parents!
Personally, the goal for me is to see quality time as something I want and get to do with my kid. If it’s something I’m measuring, or counting, or worrying about, I’ve missed the point.
Research on Quality Time Shows the Unexpected
This study from the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that the sheer amount of time we’re spending with our 3-11 year olds IS NOT making a difference in their outcomes. The researchers measured time moms spend with their kids- both time that moms are accessible to their kids, and times that they are engaged with them. They found no link between the amount of time (accessible OR engaged) spent with kids and their behavioral health, emotional health, or academic performance.
Despite this research, I DO BELIEVE that quality time with our kids matters. My takeaway from all the research is that:
Quality is better than quantity.
It takes less quality time than we think to make a difference in our kids’ lives.
Time with dad, or both parents, is important, too.
So How Much Quality Time Do Kids Actually Need With Their Parents?
I know this is going to sound low to you, so prepare yourself. My recommendation is 30 minutes. And to do it in a low-pressure, stress-free way. It may not seem like much, especially if you’ve been pressuring yourself to put in hours a day. But releasing yourself from that stress will make this time more enjoyable, and even more beneficial to your kiddo! Here are some useful ideas to help you successfully incorporate quality time with your kid into your life.
1. Break the 30 minutes of quality time up into chunks
One way to do it would be to have 10 minutes in the morning, before work/daycare/school, 10 minutes after school/work, and 10 minutes at/after dinner.
2. Regular, daily family-life counts as quality time
IF you’re engaging with your kid, on their level, grocery shopping, family dinner, even folding the laundry can count! Quality time can absolutely be found in mundane moments of life.
3. Build Up To It
It can be hard to start any new routine, so if 30 minutes sounds like an immense amount of time that will put you over the edge, go ahead and start with 5 minutes! Just make the minutes count!
4. You Can Give More Than 1 Kid Quality Time at Once!
If you’re engaging with everyone, it all counts. Family game night with all 4 kids? Congrats, you rockstar, you’ve just provided ALL the kids quality time at once! In the playroom with two kiddos, simultaneously playing princess tea party and trucks?! You are knocking this out of the park! Kids are watching Netflix, while you’re in the same room, but on your phone? NOT quality time. But hey, we all need some downtime, too.
Where Is This Pressure for More Quality Time Coming From, Anyway?
The truth is, we came by this stress honestly. It’s the bath-water we’ve been swimming in, and most of us don’t know any differently. But there are a few different factors that got us here. And if we know the causes of our stress and overwhelm, we can fight it more effectively.
1. Moms are viewing their children’s success differently.
In a survey asking Millennial moms what success would look like for their child, 71% responded with answers other than professional and/or academic success. “Strong, lasting, personal relationships” and “a healthy lifestyle” accounted for 23% of the responses, each. [Rounding out the answers for the 71% of moms who will measure their children’s success by something other than work or school are, “Lasting, meaningful service to others” (7%), “Artistic or creative achievement” (6%) and “A strong spiritual/religious life” (12%).]
More millennial moms are focusing on the long-term relationships and health of their kids. And it would seem logical that quality time should improve the chances that our kids have strong relationships and healthy lifestyles. So it’s an easy transition from that to the idea that “my kid’s healthy development- and later success in life- depends in large part on how much time they spend with me [their mom] and that I am unique and irreplaceable.” (Fun fact- in family research, this is called intensive mothering. I think the name says it all.) It might sound like a blessing and joy at first, but for many it can quickly end up feeling like a burden.
2. Quality time as a status symbol.
Don’t believe me? When I started research for this article, one of the first things I ran across was a CALCULATOR for measuring how much time you spend with your kids. Do you want to know the kicker? YOU COULD THEN LITERALLY COMPARE HOW YOU STACKED UP TO OTHER PARENTS!! People- we are better than that!!! Aren’t we?! When we are in contest with other parents, that’s a pretty clear indication to me that quality time is being used a measure of status. (Sorry for the rant- I’ll regain my composure soon!)
Still don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think of a mom who has the ability to spend hours with her children, creating Pinterest worthy crafts, and going on Facebook perfect vacations. What does she look like in your mind? Does she look like a fairly privileged person to you?
3. The relationships with our kids may be the most enduring of our lives.
The systemic fragility and decline of marriage, and the changing landscape of romantic relationships, now means that our relationships with our kids is quite possibly going to be more long lasting than the relationships with have with our spouses/partners. The focal relationship used to be between spouses, but now it’s often moms hyper-focusing on their kids.
4. It’s literally being marketed to us!
Think of all the Disneyland commercials, and the ads for family getaways to a-city-near-you. Think of the car commercials with the children smiling and behaving in the backseat while the family goes somewhere for some wonderful quality time together. We are constantly being told that we NEED to have quality, one-on-one time with our kids.
I’m exhausted and overwhelmed just writing that. No wonder levels of parental stress seem like they’re at an all time high! But that’s exactly what we want to avoid. Because research has shown that kids have fewer negative behaviors at school, if dads enjoy parenting more. And kids have better general outcomes when moms have lower stress levels.
In Conclusion
There is so much pressure on parents to “perform.” But really, it would be so much better for us (and our kids) if we all just relaxed. The research shows that we’re putting in more than enough quality time. If we just focus on trying to enjoy our kids more, the rest will follow, I promise.
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Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
Last week, literally everyone in my house was sick with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. There were 104 degree fevers, strep throat, and ear infections. If you’ve never had this plague sweep through your house, I pray it never does. It’s one of those horrendous bugs that lasts forever. It’s not some quick little 24-hour flu (although I’m not wishing that on anyone, either).
So, to cut to the chase, I spent a lot of time last week being stressed and then getting angry about the general situation, and then building on that with all those “and another thing!” thoughts, to create a truly delightful downward spiral. I’m sure I was a joy to be around.
BUT. Then I heard a sentence that literally turned everything around. “It’s easy to say what you’re against. But what are you for?”
“It’s easy to say what you’re against. But what are you for?”
I love the power of language. What am I for? It was such a complete change of mindset! It stopped all the negativity in it’s tracks. I’ve been creating my list of all the parenting and family related things I’m for all week. I’ve been adding to it, and listening to what some of the other people in my life stand for, too. So, without further ado…
What do I stand for?
I’m for kids playing outside.
I’m for coffee.
I’m for sharing the opportunity to have a relationship with God with kids.
I’m for parents who know what they need to find balance in their families.
I’m for real-life parenting groups.
I’m for cloth diapers and laundry hanging outside.
I’m for getting outside your bubble, even- especially- if it makes you uncomfortable.
I’m for natural consequences.
I’m for small birthday parties.
I’m for finding educational moments in a kid’s daily life.
I’m for vaccinations and antibiotics.
I’m for organized sports, even if your kid isn’t athletic.
I’m for sweets in moderation.
I’m for kindness.
I’m for giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I’m for the truth.
I’m for writing in cursive.
I’m for letting each of your children be unique individuals, and only measuring them up to themselves.
I’m for doing your best, knowing it won’t be perfect.
I’m for giving yourself the grace to let some things go.
I’m for raising kids to become adults.
I’m for giving kids independence.
I’m for telling my kids “no.”
I’m for trusting my instinct.
I’m for finding a creative outlet.
I’m for teaching kids life skills, like cooking, cleaning and budgeting, before they move out.
I’m for parents who prioritize their spiritual, physical and mental health.
I’m for gardening and showing kids how food grows.
I’m for a messy, dirty, happy childhood.
I’m for giving kids everything they need, and only some of what they want.
I’m for visiting the in-laws.
I’m for kids learning how to swim
I’m for learning from each other.
I’m for teaching kids how to lose.
I’m for traveling the world with kids.
I’m for teamwork with your spouse.
I’m for working through the tough stuff with your spouse.
I’m for date night and leaving the kids with a sitter.
I’m for adoption.
I’m for diversity.
I’m for paying things forward.
I’m for celebrating that everyone is different, so everyone will find peace with a different type of parenting.
I’m for parents advocating for their kids because no one else knows them better, or will do a better job.
I’m for dads who are trying to continuously bring their A game.
I’m for naps.
I’m for hand-me-downs, consignment shops, and grabbing plastic toys with the ‘free’ sign on the tree lawn.
I’m for looking at the big-picture.
I’m for recognizing that this is a difficult and sometimes heartbreaking journey, and to pretend otherwise is a disservice.
I’m for letting go of the small things and enjoying the moment.
It’s been an amazing exercise.
If you’re struggling at all to find your values as a parent, then I’d challenge you to do this. Seriously. Write it out. Share it with your spouse. Sift through it and figure out which ones carry the most weight for you. How much of what you are for actually makes its way into your life? If you’re not sure what to do once you identify your values, you can always start with my article on Parenting With A Plan.
So, what are you for? I’d love to hear what you stand for in the comments below!
Families come in so many shapes and sizes- there should never be judgment about what your family looks like!
Unfortunately, if you live in a non-traditional family, Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day) can leave you feeling ‘less than’ and that you’re missing something.
Not a great feeling.
Then, to add salt in the wound, kids love celebrations. So this time of year can make them feel self-conscious about dad’s absence AND they miss out on the fun barbeques festivities from Father’s Day. Rituals are an important part of family life. They serve as anchors for the year, and give us all something to look forward to. These rituals that we do over and over again are a huge part of what is cemented in our minds as the picture of our childhood.
So even if there’s no ‘official’ dad in your kid’s life, you can still celebrate Father’s Day. It’s a win-win. Win 1- giving your kid that ritual to anchor June. Win 2- you might even start looking forward to it, too!
Here Are Some Options to Help You Start Brainstorming Your New and Improved Father’s Day:
Reclaim the holiday for your family
Rename it, and find a ritual to celebrate. Families come in many shapes and sizes; this is a day to embrace the family you have!
You could do some volunteer work- maybe by visiting a nursing home where men may not be getting visits from their kids.
You may want to consider avoiding places where Father’s Day will be in your face.
Celebrate a Father Figure in Your Kid’s Life
or other men who have been there. You could turn it into Grandfather’s Day, or generalize it to all fathers. You’ll be helping your kid(s) focus on the positive of who IS in their life, instead of who isn’t. You could even just write notes to coaches, teachers, neighbors, etc. Doesn’t have to be extravagent , but everyone likes to know they’re appreciated.
Ignore It and Carry On
This is still an option on the table. And it may be the best option for your family. I would make 2 recommendations with this option, though. First, I would be very upfront with this (with kids who are old enough to understand). You’re not celebrating Father’s Day because dad’s not around, and your family is great the way it is. My second recommendation would be to find another holiday to get behind in mid-June so you can have a ritual to anchor your month. Maybe your family just gets really into Flag Day now (June 14th). Or Juneteenth is on the 19th, and deserves way more universal celebrating.
Get Out There and Enjoy “Father’s Day!”
The bottom line here is this- do what’s right for your family this Father’s Day. I’m just here to support you and offer a few ideas to get you on your way!
