Disclaimer- although I am an Independent Marriage and Family Therapist, please understand I am not your child’s therapist, and none of what I say below should be construed as a diagnosis. If you have concerns about your child after reading this, I encourage you to contact your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or local therapist as a first step to getting help.
Are you concerned that your child may be depressed? As a parent, you want nothing more than for your child to be happy and healthy. But sometimes it can be hard to tell if there is something deeper going on, or if they’re just having a bad day. Use this handy guide of the top 10 signs that your child might need extra help coping with depression, and where to go from here.
10 Signs Your Kid Might Be Depressed
1. They lost interest in activities they used to enjoy
One of the first and most noticeable signs that your child may be depressed is a change in their interests. If your child suddenly loses interest in activities they used to love, such as playing sports or hanging out with friends, it could be a sign that something is wrong. Additionally, if your child begins to withdraw from social activities and starts spending more time alone, this may also be a sign of depression.
2. Your child is having difficulty concentrating or completing tasks
Another sign that your child may be depressed is difficulty concentrating or completing tasks. If your child is struggling to focus at school or is beginning to get poor grades, it may be due to an underlying depressive disorder. Additionally, if your child seems forgetful or disorganized, this may also be a sign of depression.
I know these also overlap with some symptoms of ADHD and even Anxiety. They’re kind of like a fever- it’s an important symptoms that tells you something is wrong, but you can’t diagnose based on that alone.
3. Your child is experiencing changes in their eating habits
Changes in eating habits are another common sign of depression in children. If your child has lost their appetite or is skipping meals, this may be a cause for concern. Additionally, if your child is comfort-eating or overeating, this may also be a sign that they are depressed.
4. Their sleeping habits have changed
Changes in sleeping habits are another common sign of depression. If your child is having difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, this may be due to an underlying depressive disorder. Or, if your child is sleeping more than usual or experiences fatigue during the day, this may also be a sign of depression. Whether it’s sleeping more, less, or having interrupted sleep- all of those changes could indicate a bigger problem.
5. They’re feeling hopeless or helpless
If your child feels like there is no hope for the future or that they are powerless to change their situation, this may be a sign of depression. Children who are depressed often feel like things will never get better and that there is nothing they can do to change their circumstances.
6. Your child experiences low self-esteem or has a negative self-image
Children who are suffering from depression often have low self-esteem and a negative self-image. If your child seems down on themselves or talks negatively about themselves, this may be a sign that they are depressed. Additionally, if your child withdraws from social activities or avoids eye contact, this may also indicate low self-esteem caused by depression.
7. Fatigue or low energy
Fatigue and low energy are common symptoms of depression, so if your child seems unusually tired or sluggish, it may be a cause for concern. Depression can make it difficult for people to find the motivation to do anything, so if your child seems like they’re struggling just to get through the day, it’s worth talking to them about how they’re feeling.
8. Thoughts of death or suicide
One of the most serious signs that your child may be depressed is if they express thoughts of death or suicide. This can manifest itself in a number of ways, such as talking about wanting to die, making statements about being better off dead, expressing a desire to hurt themselves, or making plans for suicide. Giving away items they cherish, and/or a sudden positive mood change can also be clues. If your child expresses any of these thoughts, it is imperative that you seek professional help immediately (In the US, 9-8-8 is a National Suicide Prevention Hotline)
9. Withdrawing from friends and family
Withdrawing from friends and family is another common symptom of depression. If your child seems isolated and doesn’t want to spend time with others, it may be a sign that they are struggling emotionally.
10. Lack of motivation
Lack of motivation is another symptom of depression. If your child seems uninterested in activities that they used to enjoy, it may be a sign that they are depressed. Depression can make it hard to find pleasure in anything.
What To Do If You See Signs of Depression?
If it’s been just one day, or a couple bad days, take a breath. Also make sure totake into account if there’s some other natural grief your child is experiencing (Death of a grandparent? Moving? Loss of a pet?)
Beyond that, make sure that your kid knows you’re always there for them. Some distractions- that don’t take much energy, like a funny movie- are usually a welcome reprieve. You cannot tell a person who is depressed to “feel better,” or “cheer up,” any more than you can tell someone with asthma to “breathe better.” But you CAN continue to show your unconditional love for them.
As parents, we want the best for our children. We want them to be happy and successful, and most of all, we want them to feel secure in themselves and their place in the world. But what do you do if your child is struggling? While many people are quick to suggest therapy as a solution, (and I am somewhat biased!) there can be skepticism about whether or not it’s really necessary or helpful. Let’s take a look at some of the benefits of therapy for kids that may surprise you.
7 Benefits of Therapy for Kids
1. Emotional Regulation Skills
One of the most important skills that children can learn through therapy is emotional regulation. This is just therapy-speak for helping them develop the ability to manage their feelings in healthy ways rather than resorting to outbursts or lashing out when they feel overwhelmed or frustrated. Through cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), children can learn how to recognize their emotions and practice techniques like deep breathing, counting backward from 10, recognizing triggers for certain behaviors, and other calming strategies.
2. Improved Problem-Solving Skills
Once kids are better able to stay in control of their emotions, they are able to use the analytical and ‘rational ‘ side of their brain more often. Because of this, they will be better able to take in feedback, and look at angles of a problem they weren’t able to before. Being a problem-solver with a growth mindset will come much more naturally to them.
3. Increased Self-Esteem
When children are struggling with issues like anxiety or depression, it can have an impact on self-esteem. By engaging in CBT-style therapy sessions with a knowledgeable therapist who understands their individual needs, children can gain insight into why they may be feeling low self-worth and then work on solutions together. Therapy also helps kids build their self-advocacy skills so that they can better express themselves both verbally and nonverbally when faced with difficult situations.
4. Improved Relationships
In addition to emotional regulation skills, therapy can help kids develop better relationship skills by providing them with the tools they need to communicate effectively with others. Through role-playing exercises and other activities, children can learn how to navigate social interactions more confidently as well as how to handle disagreements without resorting to negative behavior patterns like name-calling or physical violence. They can also gain a better understanding of social cues, which will help them identify when someone is uncomfortable during conversations or when someone needs space during conflicts.
5. Avoiding Bullying
Another benefit of therapy for kids is that by improving their self-esteem, they will naturally become less of a target for bullying, and they’ll be better able to not take negative comments to heart. Kids can also learn how to set boundaries, which is essential for their mental well-being and overall success in life.
6. Not Feeling Alone
One of the most wonderful things therapy can do for people of all ages is to help them realize they’re not in this alone. But due to their brain development, kids often think they’re the only one who feels like this. A good therapist will help normalize these feelings, and reduce some of the loneliness and isolation kids might be feeling.
7. Having Someone to Talk To
This one might be more obvious, but it’s one of the underrated benefits of therapy for kids. Studies have show again and again that the therapeutic alliance (the relationship between the client and therapist) can be the most healing part of therapy. Kids will appreciate having a place to feel seen and heard, and not judged for what they say; they don’t have to worry about getting a lecture if they say they hate someone right now- and don’t risk hurting anyone’s feelings when they vent. Having a safe place and person to talk to allows your kid to be able to voice and let go of the emotional baggage they carry. AND they learn how to talk to themselves in a therapeutic way, so maybe they’re avoiding more therapy in the future!
All in all, therapy has many hidden benefits that may not be obvious at first glance but that are incredibly important for helping kids grow into emotionally healthy adults who are capable of managing stressors without resorting to harmful coping mechanisms such as substance abuse or outbursts of anger. If your child is struggling emotionally or socially—or even academically—consider giving therapy a try; you just might find that it’s the key your family needs for unlocking greater happiness and success.
According to the Mayo Clinic it’s been shown that expressing gratitude is associated with a host of mental and physical benefits. Studies have shown that feeling thankful can improve sleep, mood and immunity. Gratitude can also decrease depression, anxiety, difficulties with chronic pain and risk of disease.
It’s a simple practice, that is completely free. And best of all, when shared, it lifts others up as well. So whether you’re interested in gratitude as a New Year’s Resolution, or because it’s a buzzword around Thanksgiving, there’s no wrong time to start teaching gratitude to kids.
5 Ways to Teach Gratitude to Kids
1. Role Model Gratitude
The best way to develop an attitude of gratitude in our kids is to demonstrate it ourselves. When we can tell them about moments we’re grateful, like, “When I see the stars, I just like to take a breath and say a little thank you for them” it goes a long way. They’ll observe that this is a normal way to operate, and we all know monkey-see-monkey-do is the way most kids function.
2. Ask Questions
Asking the right questions helps give kids an understanding of the process of developing gratitude. If you ask kids, “What are you thankful for?” you’ll often get a room full of kids saying, “My mom” or “my dog” or “Madden 23.” You can also ask more pointed questions to help them find the small things to be grateful for. Questions like:
What is your favorite thing about yourself? (example reponse: You’re a good reader? Great! Be grateful!)
What do you like about your friends? (example response: They make you laugh? You’re so lucky to have friends like that! It’s something to be grateful for.)
Where’s your favorite place in our home? (example response: You’re bed is cozy? I’m so glad you have a place to be comforted. You can be grateful for that.)
Just be careful not to guilt your kids when you’re responding!
3. Include it in daily life
A natural place to include this in the day is in prayer or at the dinner table. A simple prayer would be, “Jesus, thank you for…” Or, go around the table at dinner sharing something that brightened their day, or just ask, “What are you thankful for?” Often, finding one thing to be thankful for leads to two, to three, and so on, until they have a whole list! If they’re saying they’re thankful for the same thing every day, encourage them to find a small detail. For example, if they are saying they’re thankful for their family, is there a specific person? Or is it the way mom packs the lunch, or dad’s hugs, that they’re particularly grateful for that day?
4. Turn it into volunteering
Is there something they are consistently grateful for? Their pet, their grandma, nature? Can you help them share what they’re grateful for with others? Maybe they can go to a nursing home to visit people without family, or they can make treats for pets at shelters, or they can join in a liter pick-up near you. We feel better when we can share what we’re grateful for with others.
5. Bring it into your environment
Have your kid do an art project about things they’re grateful for. It could be a collage, or they could paint, draw or take photos. Use your creativity! But create a piece of art, or something that reminds them of what they’re grateful for. For example, if they are most grateful for their dog, they could paint a portrait of them and hang it in their room, or the hall. Or maybe take a picture to place in their locker at school, so they can see the dog even if it’s not there!
Bonus- write thank you notes
This is becoming a dying art, and is often reserved only for gift-receiving occasions. But encourage your child to write a thank you note for when someone does something kind for them, or when they just express their appreciation for someone else. It’s going to make both parties involved feel great!
Developing Gratitude in Kids
Teaching gratitude to kids will benefit them over an entire lifetime. It’s a beautiful way to find the good, even in the small things. And it won’t hurt that by teaching your kids gratitude, you’ll probably get a chance to practice gratitude more often as well!
Let me know in the comments below which of the ways you’re going to try and teach gratitude to your kids- or if you have another way that has worked for your family!
This has been such an interesting generational shift! This was simply not a conversation our parents had, so it doesn’t come with the same sort of ability to look back and think, Oh, I’ll do it the way my parents did (or didn’t!).
But there’s a lot to consider when deciding if your kid is ready for a phone.
There are inherent risks to kids having a phone- screen addiction, falling prey to the social media comparison trap, online bullying, exploitation, sexting, and more.
But there are also benefits to phones, like communication, building friendships, and learning/growing interests and skills.
So instead of just giving you the answer about exactly when the right time is for a kid to have a phone, here are some questions, and possible workarounds you could use. Because what’s right for one family may not be the answer for another.
Questions to Ask When Considering a Phone for a Child:
Why does your kid need a phone?
To stay in touch with family? Are you a split-custody family, and need to be able to contact your kid when they’re at their mom/dad’s?
Does your kid spend time alone at home? Maybe you work outside the home, and would like to check-in with your child when they get home from school.
To call for a ride home from activities? (Gone are the days of using the collect phone at school and leaving a quick “It’s-Alex-need-a-ride” before your family declines the charges and hangs up on you. Just me? 🙂 )
They walk to school or ride to friend’s houses on their bike and you would like to know where they are
These circumstances may shift the emphasis you put on the next section, when you consider their maturity level. You can also use these questions to identify the features you would need in a phone or other smart device.
What’s my child’s general maturity level?
Instead of randomly choosing an age, let’s look at some maturity markers that tell you a kid might be ready for the responsibility of having a phone:
Can they take care of their own personal hygiene with minimal reminders?
Can they turn off the TV or video games without complaining?
Are you able to trust them to stay home alone?
Do they frequently lose small (or larger) items, like glasses, books, coats, etc?
Do they follow through with other responsibilities, like completing homework or chores?
Reasons your kid might want a phone
Hint, these may not be good reasons to get a kid a phone.
To be like their friends. Peer pressure never goes away
To play games
To be on social media
So they’re not bored all the time
For me, it comes down to a cost-benefit. Is the child (or family) going to experience a net positive from having a phone?
Growing up is a gradual process, and we naturally give our kids more responsibility and privileges over time. So it can be helpful to find a way to introduce them to phones, and then build the privileges up over time, instead of just throwing them in the deep end.
Things you can do instead of giving kids their own phone
You can have a family cell phone (one that all the kids share, and that stays in an agreed-upon place), or even install a landline, depending on the identified need for a phone. Hear me out, but a landline might be a nice option for younger kids in a split-custody arrangement; if you can screen your calls, you should barely have to speak to the other co-parent.
You can also use smartwatches, some of which come with minimal texting and calling abilities. So, if you need to know where your kid is, and want the ability to check-in with them, this could be a better solution than a full phone.
Teaching kids to use phones as tools
If you have come to the conclusion that your kid does, in fact, need a phone, this is a great learning opportunity.
We can teach our kids how to use phones responsibly, instead of them becoming dependent on them. Screen addiction is real, and so are the dangers of social media, online bullying, and being exploited.
We need to let them build up their knowledge and self-control about using phones properly instead of just throwing them in the deep end and hoping they figure it out. Whether that’s by putting limits or parental controls on the phone, or by monitoring with apps like Bark, you need something to help them with the structure. Especially at first.
What does a therapist do in her own house for kid phones?
Affiliate disclaimer- I am an affiliate for Pinwheel, and if you purchase a product from them, I will receive a small commission at no-cost to you. BUT, we have had this phone in our home for about 6 months, and had recommended it to several friends and family members, before I became an affiliate.
I’ve been a huge fan of using Pinwheelwith my oldest kid. It’s a smartphone operating system specifically for kids, preteens, and teenagers, and has been a great first phone.
I love that it gives him a phone he can talk to his friends and family on. And, it’s a smartphone (so he doesn’t look like the odd kid out), but it also has no access whatsoever to social media, or to a general search engine. The phone numbers are all safe-listed, so he’s not going to receive spam. Pinwheel’s app store is curated to give kids tools to support their growth, not mindless games or content.
For our family, it made sense that he got a phone around age 11; we had moved about an hour away, and he was missing the ability to talk to his old friends. He had also shown a lot of the maturity markers that I already mentioned.
But I think my favorite thing is that he is 100% not addicted to this phone. He gets on to text a friend or two, listen to a podcast, or learn Welsh (his choice!), but will then put it back down and forget about it. He’s the only 12-year-old I know, who has his own phone, who is not stuck on it constantly.
For more- visit Pinwheel.com to order a phone and Pinwheel monthly subscription at $15/mo
Your Plan for Getting Your Kid a Phone
Hopefully, now you have a plan about if and when you will get your child a phone of their own (or not!). There’s no magic age to get your kid a phone, but there are lots of signs that your kid will give you to show that they’re ready. And that little feeling of trepidation you have about giving your child more independence? That’s normal! It’s wonderful and hard- all at the same time- to watch them grow up!
Best of luck whenever you choose to move forward with this!
But you know what’s even harder? Re-adjusting to regular life once they’re healthy again.
There are a lot of things that we let slide when kids are sick. There’s more screen time. Popsicles for breakfast are totally ok. And we will drop everything to get whatever our kid wants. I mean, who could resist that sad little kid on the couch?! Not to mention, no school!
But these are absolutely not the behaviors and attitudes that are not going to fly during the rest of the time.
I have found that it’s often much more difficult to get my kids back into the swing of things than to take care of a sick, sleepy kiddo.
So How Do We Readjust from Caring for a Sick Kid?
1. Explain
Make sure to let your kid know the reason that things are a little topsy-turvy right now. And tie it to their illness.
This could sound like, “Sweetie, I want you to rest your body right now so you can get healthy, so I’m going to let you watch some extra TV.” Or, “I know your throat is really sore right now, so it’s ok to have popsicles for breakfast when we’re sick.”
The bonus to this is that if you have other, healthy, kids in the house, it should help them feel less jealous. They still have to eat healthy/go to school/do chores, but they also get to not feel like absolute garbage.
And, it’ll help with the transition because when you re-explain that they’re not sick so they don’t get to eat Jell-o all day you’ll have already built your case!
2. Changes to Routine Matter
If you are raising a kid who really relies on routine, give them lots of heads up about how things will change when they’re sick. And then when they’re back on the mend, do the same for when things go ‘back to normal.’
If your kid is in that middle ground of sickness, I would try to maintain what routine you have, as much as possible.
If it’s not possible, make it a point to let them know where routine is being ignored. Like, for example, that it’s ok to spend all day in pajamas when we’re sick. But also check in with these kids to make sure that’s their actual preference. They may be more comfortable if they can continue to follow their routine, like getting dressed in the morning. But some small tweaks, like wearing cozy clothes instead of school clothes, may still be appreciated!
Social stories about being sick, staying home from school/daycare, and going to the doctor are also wonderful tools. If you have to make a doctor appointment, and have the luxury of a few options, I may choose to have the doctor appointment later in the day to help kids adjust to the idea better.
3. Plant the Seed for ‘Going Back to Normal’
The afternoon before they go back to school, you can start saying things like, “What do you think your friends will say when you come back tomorrow?” or “What are you excited to do at recess?” or something else that lets them know this is inevitable.
DO NOT ask questions that make it sound like they have a choice, i.e. “Are you looking forward to being back in school?”
This gives them a chance to work on accepting change, which let’s be real, can be hard for lots of us!
4. It’s More Fun to be Healthy
You can gently remind them of all the fun things they can do when they’re healthy whenever they start whining about not getting to watch all the TV/eat all the pudding, etc. Then offer a distraction of getting to do one of those fun things!
5. Lay the Groundwork for Next You’re Caring for a Sick Kid
When my kids are sick enough to have to stay home, but not totally miserable, I try to make the first day of staying home as boring as possible. In a genuine effort to make sure the rest of the house doesn’t get sick, I try to keep them in their rooms. (I do go in to hang out with them, read or pIay board games. They’re not in solitary confinement, I’m just trying to reduce exposure.) I will also limit home much extra screen time there is, and the older ones aren’t allowed to play extra video games (because it’s more stimulating than just watching TV, so it doesn’t encourage kids to doze off and nap).
This helps remove my suspicions that a kid is faking because I haven’t set it up that staying home is necessarily a great reward.
Take it up a Notch to Thriving Household!
This could be a golden chance to go from good to great! If there is a routine you’ve wanted to work on, or a new habit you wanted to build in your family, implementing it now would make a lot of sense.
So if you’ve been wanting to streamline your morning routine, go for it! Just tell your kid, “Hey, when we get back to being healthy, we’re going to try moving toothbrushing to right after getting dressed, while you’re already by the bathroom.” (Or fill in whatever makes sense for your family!)
Recovering From Caring For A Sick Kid
You don’t have to finish the long days of caring for sick kidswith frazzled nerves and feeling like everything you’ve worked for has fallen apart. With a little planning, and just keeping the end in mind, you have the opportunity to come out the other side feeling confident and energized!
Nearly a million kids in the US, under the age of 10, suffer from childhood depression. That’s 2-3% of of that age group. And nearly 13% of adolescents (ages 12-17) struggle with depression. That’s over 3 million teens in the US alone. And half of all lifetime mental illness are present before age 14.
And while those numbers may be jarring to see, honestly, they kind of don’t matter right now. Because there’s really only 1 kid you’re worrying about. Yours.
So let’s take a breather for a second. (Seriously. Pause and take a deep breath.) This is going to be OK. Here’s the bottom line- I will get you the information you need, so you can get your kid the help they need.
So, you can stop searching through all the dizzying lists that leave you with more questions than answers. You don’t have to read lists of symptoms that jack up your adrenaline so that you’re not even able to think straight.
Just imagine that we’re good friends (because you have the good luck of having a family therapist for a friend!) and we’re just drinking coffee and talking on the couch together. Let’s go through this piece by piece, together, so you can make the best decision for your kid.
Symptoms of Childhood Depression
My caveat before giving you these symptoms is this: DO NOT TRY TO DIAGNOSE YOUR KID YOURSELF. I’m not just saying that because I need to legally cover my backside. I don’t want you to feel like you have to diagnose your child in order to get treatment. That’s the professional’s job.
Think of it this way, when you take your kid into the pediatrician because they’re not feeling well, no one is asking for you to already know their diagnosis. Your job is simply to know that something is wrong, and to bring them in.
I know, that doesn’t stop the worry, and the need for information. I’m a mom, too. And when I think there’s something up with one of my boys, I want to learn everything I can. So I’ll give you as much information as I can. Let’s dive in.
What Does Depression Look Like In Kids?
Kids with depression can look and act differently from adults with depression. For a diagnosis of depression, these symptoms need to be around for at least 2 weeks, for most of the day, each day. If it’s been less than 2 weeks, I’d still keep an eye on them, but your kid may ‘just’ be having a rough patch. If it’s been longer than 2 weeks, but you’re thinking, “She just laughed at her sister’s joke at dinner yesterday,” remember that mood can still have some fluctuation, even in depression.
Changes in sleep patterns, like trouble sleeping, (including trouble staying asleep all night and waking up too early in the morning) OR increased amounts of sleeping (beyond what you would typically expect for their age).
Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities
Changes in appetite, changes in weight, or failure to gain appropriate weight
They may be feeling restless, or they may feel slowed down, like they have literal weights tied to them
Feelings of worthlessness, self-blaming thoughts and behavior, include self-inflicted punishments
Having a hard time concentrating, focusing, or remembering
Frequent thoughts about death, including suicidal thoughts
If your child is having suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, please get them help immediately. Suicide in young kids is rare, but very real.
Depression Or Grief?
The other reason I gave you that caveat about not diagnosing your own kid, is that it can be hard to figure out if they have depression, if they’re just feeling down, or if there’s something else going on. One more thing to add to your consideration is whether or not your kid has experienced a loss recently (death of a loved one, divorce, a move, etc.). If so, they may be experiencing grief, instead of depression. You can help them by giving them space to process the loss in their own way. Some kids need to talk, others need to create, and still others just need your physical presence.
I know that this isn’t easy to read and think about. And the whole question of your child even having depression is overwhelming and a little numbing. You’re doing a great job being this on-top-of-it that you’re trying to figure out what’s going on and how to help them.
This is usually the point where we try to talk ourselves out of something seriously being the matter. But remember, you’re here for a reason. Take a breath, and let’s keep going.
“Kids don’t really get depression” and Other Myths About Childhood Depression
There is a lot of misinformation floating around out there that I feel compelled to clear up for you. Here are some of the most common myths people have about childhood depression.
Myth- “My daughter is only 7; she’s too young for depression. She’s just being dramatic.”
Answer- Depression does impact children as young as pre-schoolers. It’s rare to diagnose that young, but possible. Half of all lifetime mental illnesses show themselves before a child is even in high school.
Myth- He still seems like he’s happy sometimes. How could he have depression?
Answer- You want to look at the bigger picture here. People- including kids- with depression can have good days, where some of the weight seems to have been lifted, and they will appear happy. Just like the rest of the world, they will experience good and bad days. But if you can think back over the last 2 weeks and you son has been more sad, or angry, than he has been happy, it may be a symptom of depression. They may also have good social skills, know what sort of behavior is expected from them, and be putting on a brave face.
Myth- What could they be that sad about? Nothing bad has happened!
Answer- Depression is not simply a response to stressful life events. It is a disease impacting the brain. It changes how certain chemicals are transmitted, and impacts the circuitry and functioning of certain areas of the brain. Negative events in your kids life can act as a type of trigger for depression, but depression can rear it’s ugly head at any time. Depression is a sneaky, insidious disease, and doesn’t require any ‘help’ before it makes an appearance.
Myth- I don’t want my kid to be on medication for depression, so there’s no point in talking about this.
Answer- Medication is only one of the options for treatment. Only 2% of kids and teens with depression are treated with medication only. 19% are treated with talk therapy combined with medication, and 19% are treated with talk medication only. 60% receive no treatment at all. Please, don’t withhold all treatment just because you don’t like one of the options.
Different Kinds of Depression
There is some jargon you will probably run into while researching depression. So let’s break this down, like the index at the back of the book.
Depressive episode:
A brief(ish) period of time when someone had symptoms of depression. For example, they may have had a depressed mood for a few weeks, but then returned to a normal mood afterwards. An episode could last for weeks or months.
Major Depressive Disorder:
The official medical diagnosis for what is just generally called ‘Depression.’ You may also hear it called ‘clinical depression.’
Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia):
This is a type of depression that is long-lasting. For kids, they have to have a depressed mood (with other symptoms) for at least a year, with no more than 2 months of remission at any point during that year.
Remission:
A break or end to symptoms.
Other Depression-related words to know:
Assessment or screen:
A set of questions (aka a ‘test’) to determine the appropriate diagnosis for your kid.
Psychiatrist:
A doctor who specializes in medications for mental illnesses.
Psychologist:
A doctor who may prescribe medication, but may also provide talk therapy for their clients.
Therapist:
A person who is able to provide talk therapy for your child. They have gone through graduate school training, and are licensed by state boards. This can include Marriage and Family Therapists, Social workers, and Professional Counselors.
What does this mean for my kid’s future? The trajectory of childhood Depression
This is a good news, bad news section. So let’s take a look at what’s at stake for your kid, and then I’ll give you the good news!
BAD NEWS
The bad news is that if your child has depression, they are more than likely going to fight this on and off throughout their life, because there is no ‘cure’ for childhood depression in the traditional sense.
Simply put, kids with depression are more likely to become adults with depression.
And adults with untreated depression tend to have poorer health, worse job performance, and more stressful relationships than the general population. They are also more likely to use drugs or alcohol, typically because they’re trying to self-medicate.
GOOD NEWS
But your kid is not necessarily doomed to be depressed for their entire life. It is possible that they may only suffer from a few more bouts of depression, but otherwise have a typical mood throughout life.
More good news is that you caught this early! Your kid’s brain is still amazingly elastic, and can learn so many coping skills. This is the perfect time for talk therapy! So many changes to their way of thinking can be developed; and learning resiliency is so much easier in childhood. So your kid is about 800 steps ahead of the game, simply because you’re being alert and looking for help.
You are so on top of it that you’re going to help your kid beat the statistics. The average delay between onset of symptoms and intervention is 8-10 years. Basically, from the first symptom of depression, it typically takes 8-10 YEARS for someone to get help!!! But you are recognizing right now what you need to do. You are not going to let your child suffer silently for a decade.
Getting Help for Childhood Depression
So what do you need to do? Here are a couple steps to help you decide if your child needs further help, and then directions for how to get that help. Remember, when you’re trying to decide if your kid needs help, you’re not responsible for diagnosing them. You just need to cross the line where your gut response is, “Something isn’t right.”
In the Freebie Library, I have a guide to finding professional help for your kiddo.
Monitor Your Kid’s Mood
When they’re upset, sad or angry, does there seem to be a cause? How long does the bad mood last? Hours? Days? Weeks?
How is their sleep, and overall energy level? Are they still interested in playing with friends, or doing other activities that they generally like? Take a look back at the symptoms, and keep an eye on some of them.
Unless your kid is expressing suicidal thoughts, or showing warning signs, (in which case, GET THEM HELP IMMEDIATELY) it’s okay to take your time and gather information.
Talk to Other Adults in Their Life
You’ll also want to talk to your kid’s teacher, daycare provider, coach, or any other adult who’s around them when you’re not. The goal is to see what their mood and behavior is like in different places. Depression impacts kids across settings, not just one. So it’s important to see what else is going on. If you’re only seeing the bad mood in one location (like just at home, or just at home) you may not be looking at depression.
Choose Whether (or not) You Need To Get Additional Help
Now, here’s the bottom line. If you have any reason at all to believe your kid has depression, it’s crucial to seek out help from a professional. There is no need to be certain. Just like when you take a kid in to the pediatrician for a sore throat- it may be strep, it may be a virus, or it might be because they were screaming too much! No one is angry at you for bringing in a kid that you’re concerned about. It’s the same with mental health!
Even if they don’t have a diagnosable case of depression, there’s no arguing that your kid is having a hard time managing their feelings. And they may appreciate having someone (a therapist) to talk to and teach them some tools.
Getting an Appointment with a Professional
The goal here is to get your child assessed for depression. You may also hear the phrase “depression screening.” For a starting place, you can talk to your pediatrician, or your school psychologist, about your concerns. You’ll want to say something along the lines, “I’m worried about John. He’s been showing some symptoms of depression, and I would like for him to be assessed for depression.”
If those professional drag their feet, or say your kid is too young, you can ask for a referral or recommendation (based on what your insurance company requires) for a child therapist. You can also just look at who your insurance covers, and call them directly. You can still use the script from above requesting an assessment directly.
If the therapist’s office tells you there’s a waitlist, or a 6-8 week time frame before they’ll be able to be seen, know that this is- unfortunately- common. You can either take that appointment and wait, or you can ask if they know anyone else in the area who would be able to see your child sooner. (You could also take the appointment and then cancel it if you’re able to find one sooner.)
After the Assessment
After the assessment for depression, you’ll talk with the therapist about their recommendations for treatment. You can feel free to take notes if you need; it’s a great tactic for slowing the conversation down a bit and making they’ve explained everything well to you.
How to Cope as the Mom of a Child with Depression
The journey towards discovering if your child has depression is heartbreaking one. It is excruciatingly painful to watch someone you love hurt so much. And it can be a lonely process, especially as you ask yourself questions like, “Did I cause this?” Here are a few bits of advice to help your healing process.
Stop the guilt.
It does no one good to blame yourself. Let it go. (Easier said than done, but it still needs to happen.)
Focus on the positive.
You caught this sooooo early, and that will have an impact on the trajectory of this disease. You are actively making this better for them!
Understand that your child can still have a good quality of life.
They will still have good days, and years. There can even be months of remission of their depressive symptoms. In the best case scenarios, they will find a way to balance their life so that the depression no longer has control.
Acknowledge that it’s really hard to live with someone with depression.
It’s like living in a deflated balloon. You know what life was like when it was light, but now everything is just kinda limp, and you’re looking around at the wasted potential. And to complicate the matter, if your kid has depression, there’s a 40% or greater chance that you or their dad has depression, too. That is really tough! Just acknowledging that you’re doing something objectively difficult can help give you perspective.
You need to give yourself permission to be happy.
There is a saying, “You’re only ever as happy as your saddest child.” And if that’s true, sister, this is going to be a long journey. Although I generally agree with thought, I think it might not hold up for parents of kids on the far ends of the happiness bell-curve.
So, let me be clear. You are allowed – no, you are encouraged– to be happy while your child is sad. If you go down into that pit of despair and sadness with them, who is going to pull you out.
If you find that you’ve lost that spark of joy, you need to find it again, and quick. Find something that just puts a goofy smile on your face. I ran into an amazing quote as I was writing this that I think really sums it up:
“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”
You may need to do some soul-searching to find what sparks that little light.
Get your own therapist.
I know it’s really hard to find a time to schedule therapy, and then what will you do with the kids, and how many co-pays can you really afford? If you’re running into these stumbling blocks, you could try a babysitting swap, like with Komae. Or, you may want to explore some of the online therapy options, like TalkSpace or BetterHelp. Getting your own therapist can be completely life changing. And no, you don’t have to have a mental health diagnosis to benefit; it’s enough that you’re struggling with your current life circumstances. Remember, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!
Bonus- find a cheer leader.
When all the energy and joy is being sucked out of you, it’s important to have people who can build you back up. This is a season, and you will become more resilient to the effect of living with someone with depression over time. But for now, you need to arm yourself with all the emotional support you can find.
Conclusion
You have now had a quick- but immersive- introduction to childhood depression. You know the symptoms, and you’re aware of the myths. You’re prepared with the jargon that doctors may throw at you, and you even have a script for how to call and get help for your kid. You know the stats, and the importance of getting help in a timely manner. If knowledge is power, then girl, you’re armed.
So, what will you do with it? Take a quick moment to stop and choose one action-step that will benefit your kid, and commit to seeing it through. Let me know in the comments what activity you’re committing to!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
Over the last couple weeks, I’ve seen a theme developing with the parents I work with. They’re afraid to let their kids be uncomfortable after being disciplined, and are struggling with watching their kids experience difficult emotions. My message to them is simply this:
Your kids are stronger than you think. It’s OK for them to be uncomfortable.
I’ll repeat: it’s okay for them to be uncomfortable.
Comfort is the enemy of change
There’s no growth when you’re comfortable. So, if we want our kids to grow into resilient human beings, we have to stop saving them every time things don’t go their way.
We have to stop sugarcoating it and telling them it’s going to be okay. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But it’s okay to let them sit there in the ‘stew’ for 30 minutes. Maybe even longer.
Because what this does is teaches kids that emotions are not permanent.
As a therapist, I spend a large part of my day reminding people that our emotions are not a crisis. They are not permanent; they will pass. We have about a 20-minute window during which we’ll experience our intense feelings. And after that 20-minute window, the intensity will fade.
What’s At Stake
What if we can teach our kids, through experience, that they are strong enough to handle those emotions? Then we’re going to have an entire generation of kids who are stronger than we are.
We’re going to raise a generation of kids that stand right back up when life punches them in the mouth. They’re going to learn to roll with the (proverbial) punches. And we know there will be punches. They’re going to be so much more emotionally capable than we ever were.
But I don’t want them to suffer…
I’m a parent too. I get it. But being uncomfortable because you were disciplined or because something didn’t go your way is different than suffering. There certainly are times you should step in. If your kid has been fighting through a low mood for days, if you’re seeing signs they might want to harm themselves (or others), or if you suspect bullying- these would all be times that your child is experiencing problems beyond what they can handle and they need your help.
It’s hard to fight the urge to save them from discomfort. I want my kids to be able to be happy every minute of the day. But that’s not realistic or attainable.
And that’s actually toxic positivity. I want to give my kid permission to have feelings other than happiness. And I think this can be especially true if you have girls. So often the only feeling they’re allowed to exude is happiness. But that’s a talk for another day.
Don’t Fix. Listen
I want to clarify a few points here. I do not mean that we should ignore our kids, especially when they’re in a vulnerable, lonely place. We just have to stop trying to fix it for them. The middle ground here is listening and validating.
How many times have you gone to a friend or a spouse and told them about your problem and they responded with some version of “You should’ve done this…”
Was that helpful?
Probably not.
What you really needed was just someone to listen, and say, “Wow, that sounds like an awful day. I’m sorry to hear that.”
That’s validation. And it’s how to be there for them without fixing it.
Give them a chance- Kids are stronger than we think
Nothing fills my heart with pride like when my kids learn they are now big or strong enough to do something they couldn’t before. I want to give our kids a chance to show us what they can do. I’m sure you’ll be blown away at how capable they are when they’re given encouragement and space to figure things out on their own.
So, there is lots of good news here for you. You’re going to build stronger, more resilient and more emotionally capable kids.
And you get to take a few things off your plate at the same time. It’s a win-win to me.
I like to think of raising resilient children as the opposite of helicopter parenting. If we give kids space, we are showing our kids we have confidence in their ability to problem-solve and cope with tough situations.
By teaching resilience, and allowing our kids to struggle that just-right amount, we will build up their tolerance to dealing with stress, and help them develop stronger self-control and impulse-control.
Raising Resilient Children for Life
Resilience is important in so many aspects of our lives.
Whether it’s learning to ride a bike, try new foods, make new friends, taking a driver’s test, or standing up to peer pressure. Resiliency impacts all areas of life, at all ages. A resilient child is able to let life roll off their back a little easier, even when true adversity hits. They keep going even when things get hard. They are tenacious. And they are deeply admirable kids.
The amazing news is, this isn’t only an innate personality trait. It can be taught and strengthened! To help develop more resilient children, you can:
1. Teach your kid mantras
Give them that positive voice in their head! Teaching positive self-talk at an early age can help their self-esteem and confidence. The point of these mantras for kids isn’t that they’re particularly eloquent. In fact, they need to be short enough to memorize easily. They need to be powerful. And your child needs to believe them (or believe they could eventually be true).
Some kids will prefer first-person (I), and some speak to themselves as if they are addressing another person (you). Both of those are fine, and I’ve included both languages to help you and your kid find something that speaks to them. But these are just a jumping off point- feel free to play around and even create your own!
Some examples of these kinds of mantras are:
I am (their name here) and I can do hard things.
I can keep going a little further.
When I try hard, I can do great things
I will not quit (We changed this to a family mantra at our house, “Coopers don’t quit.)
“The hard is what makes it great.” (Tom Hanks as Jimmy in A League of Their Own.)
I know I can get through this.
I like the challenge of trying new things.
I get better every day
You can even pair these with deep breathing for a calming skill.
2. Praise the trying, not the result
If they truly tried their best, that is worthy of praise. On the flip-side, if the only time your kid hears praise from you is for a job that is (near) perfectly done, they can start to feel like your love may not be unconditional, and that their worth is determined by things out of their control (like bringing home a perfect score on a test, when that may not be their ability level, or being the fastest kid on the team). That is setting up a recipe for low self-esteem, which is definitely not what we’re going for. Especially since resilient children tend to have high self-esteem.
3. Teach problem-solving skills
I talk more about problem solving skills in this article about impulse control.If you know that problems are solveable, you’re much less likely to hide it and wallow with it, possibly even blaming yourself for the problem. You’re more likely to start chipping away at the problem, because you know that you’ll be able to solve it, or at least bring about some change. Basically, knowing you can solve problems gives a massive boost to a person’s self-efficacy.
4. Let Them Make Mistakes
Back-up and let your kids make mistakes.
Give them the chance to find themselves in a (mildly) stressful situation. Whenever I think about the problem of balancing the need and desire to protect our kids, and the need to let them grow and learn from life experience, it reminds me of Finding Nemo. Specifically, the part when Marlin (the dad) says to Nemo, “I’ll never let anything happen to you.” But if nothing ever happens to him, he’ll never grow.
In over-protecting our kids, we rob them of the chance to figure things out for themselves. Failure can be an excellent teacher. We don’t call kids resilient if they’re doing well, but nothing bad has happened. By definition, resilient children are the ones who bloom in the face of adversity.
5. Teach them to “fight the flight”
In the course of a big project or task, most people have the feeling of “isn’t this over yet?!” The desire, or impulse, to fly away from the situation is what I’m labeling the ‘flight’ here. And since your kids are human, they, too, will have the impulsive feeling of needing to give up, or just be done. They need to learn to ‘fight the flight. Resilient children are able to do this with coping skills like:
Taking a breath and working on it for 1 more minute. (Repeat as needed to finish)
Taking a timed break and coming back to it. Bonus points for using physical activity as the break while working on something cognitive.
6. Be a good role-model
You may already be a master of your impulses, but if it’s only in your mind, it’s time to start voicing some of your inner-process so kids can learn how we think internally. Talk through your mental process, especially as it relates to your resiliency and tenacity. Let them know when you’re successful in your fight against the impulse to take the easy way out, and what helped you to win that fight.
7. Love them Unconditionally
Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child says, “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” So, the most important thing you can do is be there for them, no matter what.
Resilience in Your Family
Have you seen resilience in your child(ren)? Do you use any family mantras that I didn’t write above? I’d love to hear what your kids are using as their positive self-talk! Please, let me know in the comments below.
How to Fight Mom Burnout, and Be A Happier Mom Again
Mom burnout is real, and painful. And the fact that you’re burned out by your kids is salt in the wound.
It can lead you down into continuous downward guilt spirals. It can steal your joy. Or worse, it’ll convince you that you were never meant to be a mom, and nothing that you do makes a difference, anyways.
*Some of my links are affiliate links; they are provided at no cost to you, although I may earn a small commission if you purchase something through them. Thanks for your support!*
Mom Burnout Is The Literal Worst
Whatever it looks like for you, mom burnout sucks. Maybe you’re a stay-at-home mom, or a working mom, a single-mom or an autism mom. It doesn’t matter. If you’re a mom, you’re susceptible to mom burnout. The things that got you here may be different, but the destination is the same.
I’ll go out on a limb and say that mom burnout is the most awful kind of burnout- because you get no break whatsoever. At least with work burnout, you get a chance to leave and find reprieve. You can take vacations, or a sabbatical.
Not with kids. You might get a small break while they’re sleeping, or if you get a sitter for an evening. Or maybe you have amazing parents or in-laws who will take the kids for a few days. But generally, if you need a break from your kids, especially if they have any special needs, you have to move Heaven and Earth.
And then there’s the pain of admitting that to yourself! Because you’re in a terrible mental space and not likely to be thinking rationally, you say things to yourself like, “What sort of awful mom needs a break from her kids?!”
To which I say, every single one of us needs a break from our kids. It’s ok. Recognizing your needs is a sign of strength- not weakness.
You Can Be A Happy Mom Again
One of the best pieces of truth to fight the downward spiral that is mom burnout is to understand, “The only way to burn out is to have been on fire first.”
[bctt tweet=”The only way to burn out is to have been on fire first.” prompt=”tell a friend”]
You love your child passionately. But having a kid with any sort of special needs or neurodiversity or other challenging behavior is a helluva ride. You started this journey trying to do everything (and more!) that you possibly could to ensure the best life for them. And as you traveled down this often thankless road, you started to get worn out. And instead of stopping for a breather, you pressed on, in the name of doing the best you could for your family.
There’s something unique about your passionate and unrestrained love for your kid that makes you willing to go to the ends of your limits. And that is a beautiful thing! That’s what we need to harness to end this horrendous mom burnout.
But the reality is that the end of your limits is exactly where you are right now.
The good news? It’s not a permanent stop on the journey.
How do you get out once you have mom burn out?
There are a few things that you can do to move on. And even better- none of them require too much energy from you, thankfully, because mom burnout is completely exhausting.
1. Mom Burnout doesn’t magically go away
The first step is to recognize that it’s not magically going to go away. As much as I wish I could tell you it will all be better in the morning, it’s not as easy as that. (Although a good night’s sleep will definitely help, but more on that later!)
I know it’s the last thing you want to do right now, but you have to put in the effort to keep moving forward. If you’re in a place where you’re having a pity party for yourself, or just wallowing in the sadness- I get it, but you need to stand back up. You DO have it harder than some other parents, but that just means you’re going to have to be stronger. Your options are to spend the next decade or two feeling bad for yourself; OR you can do something about it and make the most of the life you’ve been given.
The good news is you can build on very small efforts to start moving out of that wallowing stage. If you’re in the midst of mom burnout right now because you’re new to special needs, or just coming to terms with your child’s behaviors, allow yourself the space to grieve. But don’t forget to stand back up.
2. Stop Mom Burnout By Stopping Those Negative Thoughts
To stop sitting in the pit of despair, you’ll need to recognize which thoughts are bringing you down. Is it when you start thinking, “It seems so easy for everyone else… (I must be an awful parent).” Or, “I didn’t ask for this! Why is my life so out of control?! What am I doing wrong?”
Listen to your own internal monologue, and it won’t take long to figure out what brought you down into the despair of mom burnout in the first place.
The second part of this is to stop those thoughts. For example, when you start to think, “Why me?” you can say to yourself, “Nope, not today! The higher the mountain, the better the view!” Developing a mantra, or repeating a Bible verse is a simple way to start fighting these thoughts. Anytime you hear one in your mind, you can push it back out with an affirmation, a reality check, or one of your mantras or Bible verses.
3. What does success look like?
The third step to kicking mom burnout to the curb is to redefine success with your kids. (See?! The first two steps can be done on your couch- or even in bed!) As women, we have a tendency to be very hard on ourselves. Only perfect- or maybe ‘very good’- results tend to matter. And everything else is left by the wayside. So if your kid was meltdown free for 23 hours of the day? Well, it’s hard to remember that, over the hour when they were having an epic fit. When you get caught in this trap, it’s easy to feel like life has become stagnant, and despite your very best efforts, you’re not making an impact in your kid’s life.
But progress counts. We need to find the positive; the growth. Often it can help to look at the longer-term picture. If you feel like your child hasn’t progressed, or is getting worse, maybe look at the gains they’ve made over the last year, instead of the last month or week.
What are your goals for them? To make friends? To manage their anger? To go to college? To learn to live independently? Those are all worthwhile goals! But none of them is going to happen in a week, or maybe even a year. So, in light of these goals, what would a successful week with your kid look like? Find the few things that will move you both forward, and use THOSE as the yardstick to measure success with.
Some Quick Notes:
–When you’re figuring out what would make a successful week, make sure to not base it on things that are out of your control. If your kid has anxiety about the weather, and won’t happily walk outside when it’s raining or snowing, I wouldn’t make a goal about playing outside for an hour a day. Instead, I would make a goal about being active, or playing together for an hour a day, with bonus points if it can happily be done outside. That way you’re not relying on something like the weather, or someone else’s mood, to achieve a successful week.
–Also, try not to measure progress day-by-day because there’s so much flux. Looking at a week helps smooth out some of that ebb and flow, and gives a little better perspective.
–You may also want to consider writing the good parts down, so you can reflect accurately at the end of the week. You’re looking through the opposite of some rose-colored glasses right now, and your brain is not to be trusted to give you a factual report.
–Seeing the results of all your efforts is going to help you feel more powerful and efficacious; mom burnout doesn’t stand a chance!
4. Create a plan that’s achievable
One of the things that can put you at risk for burnout is being a person who enjoys being in control! Unfortunately, that butts up directly against our kids! This is amplified in mom’s of kids with special needs and challenging behaviors because their behaviors and needs can be wildly unpredictable. But working a plan may make you feel more in control again, and release you from some of the special needs mom burnout.
Use the goals you set in the last section, and your definitions of success to create a workable and achievable plan.
When you’re planning out your week, and you’re thinking through the different categories of what need done (housework, work outside the home, volunteering, etc) make sure to include your goals for your child as a category. That way you can make sure to schedule time to help them achieve these goals and make sure you’re planning for your week to be a success. Because, “If you fail to plan, you better plan to fail!”
5. Gather a team
I’m sure at this point you’re back to being overwhelmed. I can hear it now, “You want me to work on my goal every day? When I’m already drowning?!”
So let’s take a quick breath. Because I truly don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. There is no quick fix to climbing out of mom burnout. Rather, there are a few small, slow steps you can take to will eventually get you back on solid ground.
And a very critical step is to gather a team around you and your child for support. It’s up to you; it could just be friends and family. Or you can gather a supportive professional team who can help you develop a plan, which may even could include a child or family therapist, a developmental pediatrician, a pediatrician, or your own counselor.
6. Destroy Mom Burn Out By Delegating
Now comes the part where you have to utilize the team you just gathered. Make sure everyone knows their role.
It could be as straightforward as, “I take care of fill-in-your-child’s-name-here, and my mom comes over on Wednesday nights after he’s in bed so I can leave the house once a week. And my friend is in charge of texting me ridiculous memes on hard days so I have something to laugh about.”
Or you can break down the roles into more concrete areas of improvement. For example,
“I am in charge of directing the team, implementing ideas at home, and letting them know what’s working or not. The OT is in charge of helping with sensory integration. The family therapist is in charge of giving me ideas to manage behaviors at home, and coping skills for my own stress. Dad is in charge of making sure Kid spends time outdoors. Grandma is in charge of taking care of my other children so I can have one-on-one time to build connections with Kid.”
So lay out what you need help with, specifically. Then ask for the help. Let the professionals know exactly what area you hope they can help with, and what you need. I’ve had families come into therapy and ask for weekly homework assignments that were written out. That way they knew exactly what they should be working on at home. When you’re in the midst of mom burnout, every little thing can feel overwhelming, so asking for things to be written out in small, doable steps is a great coping tool! And no professional is going to bat an eye if you ask them to clarify exactly how you should be implementing their suggestions at home!
On the friends and family side, maybe grocery shopping is a huge burden and, if you just asked, your husband would be happy to take off your hands. Sometimes you just have to ask. Remember, delegating is a sign of power, not weakness.
If you’re thinking that no one is going to help you, and you’re going to have to do this alone, I want to challenge that thought. People LOVE to help each other. The problem is that they don’t usually know how to help, because we don’t let them in. Start kicking mom burnout out the door today by asking for help with one small thing; or even just accepting the help if someone offers it!
6. Remember When You Weren’t Burned Out?
Part of defeating those thoughts that make you feel like this mom burnout is permanent is to remember times when you weren’t burned out. There has been a time when you didn’t feel like this! What was going on then? Sit back, and try to recall a time when you had a good day since you’ve had your kids. If you can’t think of one, try going down memory lane and looking at pictures, or maybe a journal you’ve kept.
Now that you remember there have been good times, let’s ask ourselves a few questions. What was your self-care routine like at that time? Is there something missing now? What would you have to do to get back to that place? If you only do one thing to improve your self-care at this time, please, make sure to get enough sleep each night.
If you’d like to develop a more concrete plan, there’s a printable, along with an article about some different self-care ideas, especially for moms with challenging kids.
Mom Burnout Won’t Last Forever
Yes, mom burnout is painful. It’s exhausting, and it can even feel humiliating. But it doesn’t have to last forever.
Your battle with mom burnout begins when you can:
Start to redefine what success looks like for you as a mom, and making sure to
Only give weight to the things that are actually in your control.
Create a plan (so helpful to everyone, but especially us Type-A people!),
Gather your team, and
Delegate.
Make sure to take care of yourself!
If, despite all these steps, you are not experiencing any relief from the crippling sadness and apathy, or non-stop worry, please talk to a doctor or therapist. You may be suffering from Depression or Anxiety, and there are several effective treatments that may be available to you.
There IS a path out of mom burnout. This is temporary. With these steps, and some support, you will get back to enjoying life- AND your kids!
Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!
A notebook to jot down your questions for the teachers, and their comments
I know I’m not the only one bracing myself for the worst when it comes to parent-teacher conferences.
I love my kids, but there’s a certain amount of breath-holding and worrying about what the teacher is going to say about any one of my sons.
“Mrs. Cooper, he’s that kid.”
“He’s never quiet in class, and he’s a complete disruption.”
“He can’t keep up.”
It’s easy for us to worry that we’re going to be embarrassed or feel like a failure or maybe even cry in front of this teacher! After all, we generally see the worst of their behavior, while they save their best self for the rest of the world.
What’s a parent to do?
We can prepare for the worst and hope for the best. One of the things I like to do is think about the strengths of each of my kids, because it can be a big classroom and those unique, wonderful things can go unnoticed.
Step 1 for successful parent-teacher conferences
So, step one is starting with a new perspective.
Instead of assuming the worst, I’m going in thinking about the best parts of my kids. Whatever the teacher may bring up, I will remember the strengths of my kid. If she says he’s falling behind in reading, I will remember what a tender heart he has. No, this doesn’t fix the reading problem, but it does help me to not feel so gutted when I hear the bad news.
Step 2 for successful parent-teacher conferences
The second thing I do is remember that this is a two-way conversation.
I can ask the teacher questions as well. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to come off as combative. I’m very appreciative of the incredibly difficult job that these teachers have, but I take my role as my child’s advocate seriously.
So, if I have concerns, or just questions, II try to write those down in a cheap notebook. And I’ll have each kid or each teacher on a different page with a questions I specifically want to ask. These are questions like:
Have you seen *this behavior* show up in class?
How is he reading (or fill in your concern here) compared to the beginning of the school year?
What are some additional ways I can support him at home?
Have you noticed him getting along, or not, with the other students?
Those questions are more for elementary school age, but they should help get you started.
These are usually questions I will run past or brainstorm with my husband. And I might get one more friend or sister’s opinion on it as well.
Step 3 for successful parent-teacher conferences
Don’t forget to set aside time to speak with the specials teachers, and/or the person working on interventions with your kiddo. If your child has a passion for music, chances are the music teacher may have a different view of them than their general teacher. It can be refreshing, and exciting, to learn about your kid’s growing abilities in art, music or gym! Even if you don’t think they have a particular talent in any of the specials, these teachers deliver their curriculum in a different way, which might result in a different kind of student-teacher relationship- so it’s worth hearing their perspective.
Bonus step for success!
Lastly, if I’m concerned about a specific problem behavior, I try to be proactive. For example, if they’re coming home, telling me that they’re not finishing their classwork on time, I would probably reach out to the teacher at that time, rather than wait until conferences.
(Unless it’s a particularly egregious thing, my general rule of thumb is to let it go if it happens once, and watch and see. Twice is a pattern, and at that point I’ll get involved. It helps to keep me from jumping in on every. little. thing. And, it gives my kids a bit of self-efficacy.)
I have found that by being proactive and working with the teachers there are fewer surprises at the parent-teacher conference. And when I walk in, they don’t view me as that kid’s mom. They view me as an important part of my son’s team. It doesn’t change the potential issues, but it does change the perspective.
Do you have any dread leading up to parent-teacher conferences? I’d love to hear your experiences!
Getting our kid’s respect can feel like the Holy Grail. “If they just respected me, they’d listen to me!” Or they might be more willing to take your advice, or just generally more cooperative, or respectful.
You intuitively understand how important their respect is. If we don’t respect someone, it is very unlikely that we’ll give them our best effort. I mean, when was the last time you went above and beyond for a boss you didn’t respect? My guess is that if you did turn in your best work, it’s because you respect yourself, the client, or your co-workers. Kids are just like us. Everything is going to work better if they know they can respect us.
So the trick to getting your kid to respect you is to ask yourself, “How would I measure whether or not to give someone else respect?” It’s the same for them.
6 Steps to Get Your Kid’s Respect
1. Listen to them.
They want to be heard. They want to be known, especially by you, the most important person in their life. When you listen, don’t interrupt or jump ahead and assume you know what they will say. Really listen. Ask questions. Make eye contact.
2. Actions are worth 1000 words.
Kids are great BS detectors. If you are a person of integrity and walk the walk, especially when things are most difficult, that will mean much more than any lecture.
3. Follow-through.
Actually do what you say you’ll do; from the small stuff to the big. It’s pretty difficult to respect someone if you can’t trust them.
4. Fight fair.
When you need to offer correction or discipline, don’t put them down when you do it. No name-calling or screaming is necessary. Speak respectfully to them, clearly let them know the issue, any potential consequences, and what you expect next time. “I know you can do better” is way different than “you suck.”
5. Avoid talking behind backs.
If you’re throwing your neighbor’s kids under the bus in front of your family, I can almost guarantee your kids are wondering if you talk about them the same way. If you want to get your kid’s respect, a little restraint can go a long way.
6. Let your work be seen.
There’s no question that you’re pulling your weight for the family, but often the unseen is unknown. Basically, your kid may not know that you’ve been working hard all day while they’re at school, or that there’s no magic laundry fairy who transformed that pile of dirty laundry. This step requires walking a tightrope of saying just enough, without sounding like you have a martyr -complex. But it’s important because part of respecting someone is knowing that they’re contributing to the team, too.
Respect Can Strengthen Relationships
I know I use way too many analogies, but respect is a lot like the soil in a garden. Without healthy soil, flowers won’t grow; and without healthy amounts of your kid’s respect, your relationship with them may wither over time.
Have you ever noticed a change in your kid’s behavior related to respect? Leave a comment, or email me at alex@choosingyourbattles.com- I’d love to hear!
It’s no secret that kids are being diagnosed with ADHD in the US more and more frequently. Depending on which study you read, somewhere between 5-11% of children across the US are diagnosed with ADHD. And there’s been an increase of over 3% in just 8 years!
BUT- it’s entirely possible that many kids who are told they have ADHD are actually being misdiagnosed.
This is because the symptoms of ADHD are well known (hyperactivity, impulsiveness, lack of focus, disorganization), so it may be one of the first diagnoses doctors have in mind. And doctors and clinicians can observe these behaviors in a relatively short amount of time, which makes it easy to use for a diagnosis.
But there are many other reasons kids may be exhibiting these behaviors most often seen with ADHD.
Does My Child Have ADHD? Maybe Not…
ADHD is not always the answer. If you’ve been told your child has ADHD, but it doesn’t seem like the best explanation for your child’s behavior, there are other explanations.
Reasons to Question Whether or Not Your Child Has ADHD:
–There is no family history of ADHD. The hereditability rate of ADHD is around 76%. This means that if there’s someone in your (biological) family with ADHD, it’s very likely that another person will have ADHD, too. However, this also works in reverse. It’s unlikely, although possible, that one person in the gene pool will just pop up with ADHD.
–You don’t see any symptoms at home. If you’re only seeing symptoms like hyperactivity or impulsivity at school, and not at home, ADHD may not be an accurate diagnosis. For a true ADHD diagnosis, symptoms need to occur across different settings. (There’s a difference between seeing a symptom and it being a problem. It’s possible that you’re able to manage the high-energy level better at home than it can be at school. So the symptoms are still occurring across settings, but they may not be as problematic in different places.)
-If your child is receiving medication, but you don’t feel like it’s working well/correctly. It could be a sign that the brain chemistry is showing that the ADHD diagnosis is wrong. (It could also just be the wrong medication for your child; make sure to speak with your prescriber before stopping any medication as some medications can have adverse effects is suddenly stopped.)
What Else Could It Be? Other Explanations for ADHD-Like Behaviors
1. Anxiety
Anxiety makes it hard to focus, pay attention, and follow directions. Additional input is hard to process if your mind is already whirling with worries.
You may want to look into this if your child doesn’t have the typical hyperactive behaviors, but was diagnosed because of the attention-deficit part of ADHD.
It can be tricky to tell the difference between ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. When a kid has a Sensory Processing Disorder, particularly if they’re a sensory-seeking child, they are lacking enough input on their body to tell it that they’re grounded in place. This can make them (literally) look like they’re bouncing off the wall, and they can look pretty hyperactive.
You may want to rule this diagnosis out if you have a child who can focus, but is high-energy. At this moment in time, I would recommend seeking an opinion from an OT (Occupational Therapist) since they tend to be more familiar with sensory issues than many mental health clinicians.
3. Giftedness
When kids understand the concept in 5 minutes, but the teacher spends an hour teaching, you have a recipe for boredom and lack of focus. Which can make these kids look like they have ADHD. Additionally, gifted children tend to have high (although not quite hyper) levels of energy.
These kids absolutely get misdiagnosed with ADHD. And instead of being given the education they need, they get medicated.
I believe thisstudy from the American Educational Research Associationhits the nail on the head with the explanation, “What a teacher may attribute to precocity for one student may be considered disruptive behavior for another.” Of course, there are also many other variables, like access to quality education, socio-economic status, and adverse childhood events (more on that later) but don’t think the perceptions of those in charge should be discounted. For more, here’s a great article aboutnurturing gifted children of color.
4. Poor Diet/Lack of Exercise or Free Time Outside
Let me start by saying, in no way do I mean to sound blaming with this one. But kids have small bodies, and they can have bigger responses to smaller doses of sugar, etc. Before you put a kid on medication, it might be worth looking at how much excess sugar, pop and caffeine they’re consuming.
Free time, especially non-structured time outside, is also critical. Kids need a chance to move their bodies. If you’re noticing an increase in hyperactive behavior during the months you stay the most indoors, this is an explanation worth exploring.
5. Learning Disorders
Non-verbal learning disorders (like dyslexia/dysgraphia/dyscalculia/slow-processing disorder) can create challenges when asked to focus at school. If you’re struggling to read the words or numbers in front of you, or you just can’t make the words come out of your pencil, chances are you’re going to lose focus and not want to pay much attention.
This could be the case if you didn’t see any signs of ADHD at home, and school was the first place it was noticed. If you think your child might have a learning disability, here are some additional steps you can take.
5. Auditory Processing Disorder
Kids with Auditory Processing Disorder have a difficult time taking in verbal instructions. They may also have a delay in responding to questions, which can make it seem like they’re not paying attention. This leads to the appearance of being inattentive, or even actual inattentiveness because it’s a challenge to pay attention.
You may want to talk to the school psychologist about this if ADHD is being suggested as a diagnosis, but you’re not seeing much impulsivity (because all kids are a little impulsive) or hyperactivity.
6. PTSD/Stress Disorders
As much as we’d all like to think of childhood as this really idyllic, safe, wonderful time, it’s an unfortunate truth that many kids experience stressful- and even violent- events during their childhood.
If you’re constantly stressed and in fight-or-flight (or freeze) mode, it’s hard to focus. You may also have additional energy to burn off from all the adrenaline. You may have also developed coping skills that would distract others before conflict could arise (which may appear as some ‘class clown’ type of behavior).
My Child Has An ADHD Diagnosis. Why Should I Mess With It?
First, let me assume you’ve read this far because you’re truly wondering if your child has ADHD. We both know that pursuing a new/additional diagnosis can be time-consuming, expensive, exhausting and even heart-breaking.
But you know your child better than anyone. Trust yourself, and follow your parenting instincts. The worst case scenario is that you don’t find any other explanation, but you get to know that you are a great advocate for your child and you tried your best. At best, you find a more correct diagnosis for your kid.
The right diagnosis can open the door to the right treatment. Seeking the most complete information about your child is a form of advocacy. And it shows your kid that you won’t stop fighting for them.
It’s important to note that ADHD can occur in addition to many of the previously discussed disorders/explanations. It is possible that you could come away from investigating this more closely with two diagnoses; the ADHD + something else. But if you have the flu and a broken leg, you’re going to want treatment for both. Not just one, and hope the other resolves on it’s own.
Does My Child Have ADHD? Getting Second Opinions
You know your child better than anyone. After educating yourself about the symptoms and what it may look like in your kid, if you still don’t think ADHD is the answer, you may want to consider a second opinion.
If you have a therapist, doctor or counselor who balks at the idea that it’s anything but ADHD, try getting another assessment from someone else. At the very minimum, they should be willing to explore and rule other diagnoses out. A good clinician will always be open to exploring and improving their diagnosis to find the answer to whether or not your child has ADHD.
So if your child has an ADHD diagnosis that isn’t sitting right with you, do some self-reflection and figure out why.
Great Summer Activities for Kids = Great Summer Memories
Kids laughing together with neighborhood friends, running through sprinklers, glasses of lemonade. Those are the images of summer I hope for.
Needless to say, 2020 is going to be a little different.
But kids still deserve to have a great summer full of wonderful memories- and you deserve some simplicity with these easy summer activities for kids.
28 Easy Summer Activities for Kids
Even during typical summers, kids are saying, “I’m bored” a week after school ends. These ideas can make summer more fun for you and your kids, while staying safe and socially distant this summer. Bonus- not a single video game is included!
Each of these ideas is in it’s most basic, simplest form. For example, “water play.” That way it’s most easily tailored to what you have around the house- whether that’s a pool, sprinkler, squirt guns, water table or water balloons.
Outdoor Summer Activities for Kids
Water play (water tables, slip & slides, sprinklers, pools, squirt guns, water balloons, etc. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Water is just fun!)
Build a fort out of natural materials
Check out a field guide for birds from the library, and go bird-watching
Have your own family Olympics
Blow giant bubbles
Go on scavenger hunts. To make it simple for yourself, have the kids come up with the list of what they’re looking for!
Take plenty of nature walks
Go stargazing, maybe even bring a guide (book or app!) to identify constellations
Create an obstacle course
Have a family field day with games like 3-legged race, potato sack race, and water-balloon toss
Plant something and care for it all summer
Take indoor toys outside for an afternoon
Learn to fix a bike
Play outdoor yard games, like cornhole, ladder golf, badminton, and volleyball (I’ve heard of families who don’t use a net, and just try to volley the ball back and forth as many times as possible!)
Build a rain barrel
Go ‘creeking’ (walking in a shallow creek)
Indoor Summer Activities for Kids
And here are some indoor options, too. These are for those rainy/stormy/too hot days when you’re still stuck inside.
Try a new craft to learn together
Watch an old “classic” movie
Write letters to friends/find a pen pal
Have a family party, complete with Minute-to-win-it games and dessert
Re-arrange, or redecorate (with stuff you already own) a kids bedroom
Make your own puppets and put on a puppet show
Make a meal for a neighbor
Pick names and secretly do something nice for that person (kind of a twist on Secret Santa, but not necessarily gifts!)
Create a family flag or crest- great for Flag Day or Independence Day
Create a time capsule
Put shaving cream or whipped cream on a baking sheet and have fun playing in it!
Grab the Free Printable
These 28 fun summer activities for the family are also available as a pdf so you can print them and keep them around for those “I’m bored” moments.
You may also be interested in the summer activity bingo card. There are a handful of different games and ideas on there, and it’s in a fun format to challenge your kids to do an extra activity per week (or day!).
We’ve been hearing a LOT over the last few weeks about businesses opening back up, even if schools are remaining closed.
Many people I’ve talked to now have anxiety about the stay-at-home orders ending (in it’s current format). Which is interesting, because there was also a LOT of anxiety heading into the stay-at-home orders ending. So why the concern?
Why are we so anxious about re-opening?
There’s the obvious concern about health and safety. It makes complete sense to have some concerns about it from a health perspective! As parents, it’s literally in our DNA to worry about our kids. That’s how the human race has survived- we have to make sure our kids reach adulthood!!
But I think it goes deeper than that.
For decades now, parents have felt, “we’re too busy.” And there has quiet longing to stop this ever-churning waterwheel.
Well, it certainly stopped. And despite all the losses, many of us have found that we’ve gained something.
Maybe you’ve gained time to physically be with your kids. Or maybe you’ve gained a greater appreciation for your kid’s teachers! Maybe you’ve gained the perspective that all the stuff wasn’t really necessary. And it’s possible you’ve gained some boundaries with people who weren’t healthy for you or your family.
But part of that anxiety I’ve seen is because people found out they liked being home with their families.
And now re-opening, instead of shutting down, feels like a loss. A loss of leisure time. A loss of safety and sense of control. Even going back to familiar places, without the crowds, and with everyone in masks feels like a loss of normalcy. But most of all, a loss of time spent with people you love the most.
How do you hold on to the good parts from the shutdown?
As you head into the re-opening with your family, let’s focus on keeping what was good, and finding a way to balance that with a reintegration into physical society.
So the question becomes, what will you carry forward into the re-opening, and into your family culture, moving forward? Here are some questions to consider:
What have we learned from homeschooling? Do we want to (intentionally) have distance-learning as part of our future education plans?
How has our faith been changed; have we grown in faith together, or drifted? And how do we want our practice to look in the future?
If you’ve been lucky enough to work remotely, is that something you want to try and keep in place? What about on a flexible or part-time basis?
How has it been to have reduced extra-curriculars for kids? Are they thriving with the extra free-time to play? Or are they struggling and needing structure and contact with peers? How will you balance that going forward?
What did you enjoy (or not) about having more time with your spouse? How do things need to change in the future to find the best balance for you?
Did the quarantine change your family culture? Whether it’s puzzles, movies, board games, legos or just the kids being forced to play together more- what is it that you want to bring out of this with you?
Did your family participate in volunteering, or in encouraging others with signs and cards? How did your kids feel after they were given that opportunity?
When asked to remain apart from extended family, how did that impact you and your kids? Did having some breathing space feel good? Were you more connected than ever because video-calls actually let you have more contact than you normally would. Whatever your reaction is to that distance, what can you learn from it?
Plan for specifics of the re-opening with your family
If there are specific openings you are concerned about happening, take this chance to talk it out now. This is your moment to be proactive instead of reactive. Yes, things may open up, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be there. With your previous answers in mind, you may want to consider what your family’s plan is for:
Sending kids back to childcare
Going (back) to the gym
Kid’s sports/activities
Going back to worship services
That family reunion that’s still planned this summer
Vacation
Eating at restaurants/retail shopping
Playdates
You know your family best. And you are the one who is going to make the best choices for your family. Every family has different circumstances, which means that every family is going to do this a little bit differently.
I hope this helps you consider how to move toward that goal of a “new normal” one day, and gives you a chance to set some intentional family culture!
Write in the comments below, and let me know if you found any benefits from staying at home- I’d love to hear from you!
Focus has always been hard to come by for them, but now it feels more imperative than ever that you are able to help your kid focus at home.
The good news is that it IS possible to help them focus better at home (which can eventually transfer to school!). And while it may not ever look typical, that’s OK! They think differently, and their brain processes information differently, and there are so many benefits to that!
The ideas I have for you about helping kids focus from home range from strategies to help you game plan your day, to quick ‘hacks’ like changing their environment.
9 Tips to Help Kids Focus at Home
So, let’s jump in! Here are some quick tips to help kids focus at home:
1. Set a timer and give breaks
Find the maximum amount of time they’re able to focus, and then set a timer them to work that long. Then give them a small break (see tip 3 for ideas)
You can even create a chart or spreadsheet- if your child is motivated by that- to show how they’ve increased their max focus time!
2. Work towards something
Motivate your kid to focus by giving them something they want to work towards. For example, ‘buy’ a crayon to color with, or 5 minutes on the Xbox, or a lego to build with for each math problem complete. (Don’t buy new things, use what you already have. They just have to earn the use of it.)
Remember, rewards are given after, bribes are given before. Knowing the reward beforehand does not make it a bribe. Working for something is what adults do all the time- in the form of a paycheck!
Help kids focus at home by integrating heavy work or sensory breaks into your day. If your kid is a sensory-seeker, which can look a lot like ADHD, this kind of ‘work’ is important to help their body feel balanced. Heavy work lets kids use their large muscle groups, and provides lots of needed resistance and input to their body. Taking a sensory break can either mean increasing or decreasing sensory input. (Like putting on some noise cancelling headphones to get a break from all the sounds, or doing bear-crawls or hanging upside down from the couch to get more vestibular input.)
4. Give plenty of non-directed free-time.
And, if possible, encourage screen-free free-time. You can even continue using the routine from school, and tell them they can have recess (indoor, if necessary). But, since you’re home, what about double-recess? Knowing that a solid break is coming can motivate kids to power through just a little bit more.
5. Limit distractions
Is there a separate area they can work in, or can other kids work/play in different areas? Try to utilize a room where there aren’t a ton of distractions anyway. A dining room, with no tv, no food in sight, and no toys, can work well. Or get unconventional and let them do work in your office or even on your bed.
6. Embrace their movement
Encourage pacing and movement while they’re listening or talking something out. If you release them from feeling pinned down to a chair, and you just may see their creativity blossom!
7. Be creative and flexible with your schedule- then stick to it
You’re at home! Utilize the full day! There’s nothing saying they have to do school first thing in the morning, and stick to their school schedule! If they seem calmest at 4pm, then go for that! Or you can break school into an early morning chunk and an afternoon chunk. Using the times that work for your kid will definitely help improve focus.
After you find what works best for you and your kid (and best still may not be perfect) by all means, stick to that routine! Having external predictability is critical for kids who lack that internal predictability.
8. Go with the flow
Try not to interrupt their work, even for corrections. If they’re immersed in the task, then they’re focusing!
9. Teach the concept, not the worksheet
Give yourself (and your kid!) some breathing room. If they can demonstrate they understand the concept well, there’s no need for them to complete all 20 problems on the worksheet. Yes, repetition is good for learning, but in some cases it’s a recipe for burnout.
Bonus- don’t skip the medicine!
If you would give your kid medicine on a typical school day, make sure to continue this now. Use a timer to help remind yourself and to set a good routine. ADHD medicine is not like Tylenol- it shouldn’t be given on an as-needed basis, it needs to be given consistently. I get it, giving kids medicine doesn’t always feel great, but remind yourself that this is helping them slow down enough to learn the coping skills they need to handle this
It IS Possible To Help Your Kid Focus At Home
With a little flexibility, creativity, and knowledge, you can help your kid focus at home. We already know that growing their attention-span will be a marathon, not a sprint. But it can be done- one mile at a time!
How has homeschooling affected your kid with ADHD? Are they struggling even more to get school-work accomplished, or are you seeing them thrive in this unconventional setting? Let me know in the comments below!
Hear me out- I’ve always felt the role of “cruise director” is the most analogous to the lives of moms.
We orchestrate everything- from figuring out what everyone is eating, to the schedule of activities for the day, to monitoring the sickbay.
And now we’re going to have to step up our game even more as we look at the possibility of having our kids at home for an extended period of time, whether under quarantine, or because schools have closed.
It’s left a lot of parents wondering what on earth they’re going to do, and how they’re going to pass the time without losing their minds.
Step 1: Change Your Mindset
The first step is to change our mindsets.
Scenario 1- “I’m looking down the barrel at 3 weeks with my kids at home, and nowhere to go. I can practically hear them whining, “I’m bored,” right now. This is going to be a nightmare.”
Scenario 2- “I’m going to be home with my kids for 3 weeks, and I’m looking forward to getting to spend more relaxed quality time with them than we usually get. This is going to be a great opportunity to reconnect.”
It doesn’t take a degree in psychology to know which mom is going to have a more pleasant experience.
There’s nothing inherently different between the two moms in my example. (They could even be the same woman on different days of the week!)
The difference is all in how we approach the situations given to us.
Step 2: Planning out Your Activities for Kids at Home
A good cruise ship also needs a solid, yet flexible schedule. For everyone’s sanity, you’re going to want a schedule, too.
So, you’ve got a shiny new perspective on things, and a blank schedule ready to fill out! But you’re still left with the question, “What am I going to do with these kids all day?!”
Here are 55 free activities to do with kids at home!
Let them use a camera (with supervision) to create their own movie
If they’re old enough, you can even show them some free editing software they could tinker with online! (Again, recommended with supervision.)
Go on an alphabet scavenger hunt where they have to find something in the house that begins with each letter of the alphabet- pictures in books can count if they get stuck!
Create an obstacle course with pillow cushions, blankets and chairs
Collect twigs and leaves and whatever else they can find in the yard to build a fairy house or fort; let their imagination carry them away!
Play “the floor is made out of lava”
Sneak some math into your day by having the kids measure everything. Ev-er-y-thing. It’s weird, but they’ll love it.
Bake some cookies (and sneak more math in! Fractions, this time!)
Have read-aloud time; maybe start a big new series with the kids
Plant a garden, or at least start some seedlings in a cup.
Draw cards for nursing home residents who may be feeling lonely, because they aren’t allowed to have visitors right now.
Listen to music as a family, and try some genres that you may not typically turn on! And who knows? You may find that you have an opera fan on your hands!
Write a bunch of letters, shapes or numbers in chalk on the driveway or a fence, and have your kid use a water bottle to erase all the letter A’s, or all the squares.
Write letters to grandparents and great-grandparents (and ask for a reply!)
Listen to audiobooks as a family and color your own illustrations!
Take an inventory of all the living or moving things in your backyard, from bugs to clouds.
Trymaking your own caramel. It can be fascinating to watch how sugar goes through different stages.
Practice sports that have been canceled with your kids! Get out there and shoot a basketball, throw a baseball or kick around the soccer ball with them!
Learn to identify wildlife in your neighborhood or backyard. Use field guides to identify different plants and birds. They can even try and listen for the specific call of each animal!
Pack bagged lunches for soup kitchens to hand out, especially if the ones near you are not allowing people to congregate for meals.
Built an indoor fort
Take an indoor toy outside
Create a time capsule
If you’re missing events like Stations of the Cross or Fish Fry’s, create your own! Try letting the kids lead, they’ll have a ton of fun with it. (They can even create a sign for the family fish fry!)
Do ‘field day’ type races in the back yard
Play some card games, or learn new ones
Go through the house and find items to donate, sell or throw out
See if you can color in all the pages on old coloring books
Create the most massive tower you can with all the building supplies you have (legos + build blocks + k’nex = FUN!)
Cover the bottom of a muffin tin or cake pan with baking soda, and then do a ‘science experiment’ with medicine droppers full of vinegar and see what happens!
See how strong of a bridge they can build with pipe-cleaners
Use those instruments and have a parade around the house or backyard!
Enjoy The Time With Your Kids At Home!
If (when) things get hard, try to think about how you want to be able to look back on this time with your kids. Remember, this will pass.
If you have any other ideas for activities to do with your kids at home, please share them in the comments!
Stay calm. Stay healthy. Have fun 😁
(Thanks to the friends and family who shared ideas for this post!)
Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. If you purchase anything through these links, I will receive a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thanks!
Wandering. Eloping. Running. Whatever you call it- it’s a terrifying part of many kid’s lies. Most commonly, it can impact kids with Autism, but it can also affect kids with other special needs, and even ADHD.
Strategies to keep kids with ADHD, Special Needs, and Autism from Wandering
The strategies to address wandering are unique, because this behavior is such a huge safety risk. While you’re trying to work with your kid on resisting this urge, you’re also going to need to put every measure possible in place to ensure their safety.
Kid-Based Solutions for Wandering:
Develop a routine path for common trips, (like home to school) so if their body starts going on auto-pilot, they’ll know where they are when they start paying attention again.
Use visual stories about how dangerous wandering can be
Emphasize the need for the buddy system. Help them identify who can be a buddy, and how to ask.
Help identify why they may be wandering. This can help you know when the likelihood for wandering may increase, and may alert you to where they’re going.
The strong desire to pursue a special topic of interest (like trains, cars, etc.)
Trying to avoid an uncomfortable sensory stimuli
Parent & Community-Based Solutions for Wandering:
Consider a GPS bracelet, especially a water-proof one. It is possible that your insurance, or a local grant, may cover this, and you may want to ask your pediatrician, or even the local police department, about recommendations.
There are trackers, like AngelSense, which will allow you to locate your child and monitor their GPS location.
Consider that this is not a kid who can be out of your sight yet- create a plan for how you get a chance to shower, take care of yourself, make dinner, etc., while your kid is still monitored.
Install chime alerts on the doors and windows in your house to give you a heads up if a child is eloping.
Provide them with wearable ID.
Think about making the local police department aware of your child’s tendency toward this behavior. Provide them with up to date pictures, and your contact information.
Develop a plan to prevent wandering at school, and a recovery plan, in case the worst happens.
Alert neighbors to alert you if they see him/her walking alone.
Many kids who wander are drawn towards water, since it can be so calming. Identify bodies of water (drainage ponds, pools, wells, lakes, etc) near you as first places to check. If you are very tied into your community, you may even know people near those locations and can set-up a sort of alert system with them as a first step for where to check if your child is missing.
Autism Wandering Devices
One tracking device that consistently rises to the top is AngelSense. It’s a device that can be worn, and allow the parent to access from their phone- and you can even hear what’s going on from the ‘walkie talkie’ function!
The device can be worn in pockets, or even in special undershirts so it can’t be removed.
One of the best benefits of the AngelSense, when it comes to kids with autism wandering off, is the GPS locator, which is specific enough to find a kid in a certain area of a large school campus. There’s also an alarm that a parent can set-off remotely to alert adults or authorities in the area that your child may be in danger. (It’s also come in handy for kids who like to play ‘hide-and-seek’ with school staff- without letting anyone know.
Unfortunately, completely preventing elopement is unlikely. The real goals here are to a) prevent it when possible, and b) catching it as soon as possible to avoid/reduce the negative consequences.
Being prepared is the best way to handle any emergency.
There’s a lot you can do to get prepared, but a good place to start would be to find the easiest step to put into place, and start with one step per week (or day if you’re ambitious). Then choose the 2nd easiest, and so on, working up to the most challenging option for you.
If it seems like too much to think about right now, I would encourage you to save this article for later.
These journal prompts for teens are perfect for self-discovery!
Teenagers face so many challenges, and difficult choices, but developing self-awareness can be an antidote to the craziness. Some would even say it’s therapeutic!
Self-Discovery Through Journaling
Journaling is possibly the best tool there is for getting to know yourself better. It helps you slow down, and reflect on what’s been running through your mind. When you consolidate all those bits and pieces, it helps you discover the patterns and themes in your life.
Once you’ve made these self-discoveries, then you can take action on them. And because of that, journaling is a great first step towards personal growth!
Why Use Journal Prompts for Teens?
There is so much development happening in high school. Academic, physical, social and personal growth are all co-occurring. Journaling helps teens (and everyone) to be mindful of these changes, and purposeful about the direction your life is heading.
Using journal prompts can be helpful to avoid the fear of staring at a blank piece of paper. You can even use these journal prompts to keep an ‘audio journal’ where you make voice-recordings!
Journaling for teens is nice because it respects their privacy. You can be a lot more open about what’s happening to you when you’re not worried about the judgment of what someone else will think. After all, the whole point of journaling is that you’re still figuring it out!
Journal Prompts PDF and Ebook
Download your own copy of journal prompts for teens, and start on the path towards self-discovery today! There’s a PDF option that has all the prompts written in list form, and there’s an ebook that also has the prompts listed again, on individual pages with space to journal included!
The journey to self-awareness is never-ending- because we as people are always growing! Coming back to the same question from time to time (or even every year!) can give you amazing perspective on how you’ve grown. Make sure to save this so you can come back to it!
In short, because they anchor us. Family traditions give us a sense of place and time. They take us from just knowing that it’s Christmas, or the 4th of July, or Friday night, to experiencing it.
Have you ever had a holiday where you didn’t do what you normally do? Maybe you went on vacation instead of to Grandma’s house. I’ll bet anything that you (or someone next to you) said, “It just doesn’t feel like Christmas this year.”
That is the power of family traditions.
They create a sense of order within the year. And they help us continue to look forward to the next thing!
Are Family Traditions Only for Holidays?
No! Family traditions are usually associated with the big holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but you can have traditions for every day of the week if you wanted!
Some examples of how to build family traditions into your weekly life would be Friday-night-pizza-night, or having family game night on Sunday evenings. Even week-night dinners can turn into family traditions!
Of course, there are also birthdays, and smaller holidays, like Valentine’s Dayor Father’s Day, that lend themselves pretty naturally to family traditions, as well.
Family Traditions and Childhood Memories
Family traditions may be the easiest way to hardwire happy childhood memories into your kids.
Human memory is endlessly fascinating, but in general, we tend to remember the things that either happened all the time or the things that are so unique and important (for better or for worse) that they leave an indelible imprint on our minds.
Family traditions can actually hit both those categories. A simple tradition, like singing “Happy Birthday” can be something that happens all the time (like at every birthday) and something that is unique and important (think of how special you feel when everyone is singing to you on your birthday, especially as a kid!).
Memory and the 5 Senses
Our 5 senses are also very important in creating those memories. When something happens to heighten our senses, it tends to alert our minds that something important is going on. It also creates additional ‘points’ on our ‘memory maps’ (aka neural networks) that help strengthen the staying power of that memory.
So it would make sense that a childhood memory that goes beyond the base of making an emotional connection would become more likely to stick around for the long-term. Playing a game with your family can be a great memory. But if there’s some music in the background, laughter, or even the smell of homemade cookies in the oven? And if you do that weekly? That’s the recipe for a long-term memory- and your kid remembering their childhood as a happy one.
How to Start New Family Traditions
Using this free printable, and the examples of family traditions below can make it easy.
Create Your Own Family Traditions (In 15 Minutes or Less!)
Your creativity + this easy to follow guide = amazing childhood memories for your kids!
Savor every moment of their childhood by creating simple, repeatable, family traditions.
Rock On!
Your Family Traditions Guide will be sent to your email in just a few minutes! Way to go, you go-getter!
Who is this family tradition for? Is it everyone, or is it just one parent and one of the kids? Maybe it’s for the whole extended family. Deciding who will be involved will set the stage for the rest of the family tradition.
Example: This tradition is about the kids- either or both parents will be just fine.
Minutes 2:01-4:00- When and Where
Is this going to be a daily, weekly or holiday/event-based tradition? Or maybe it’s more on an as-needed basis? Then choose where this will occur. Knowing whether this is something that you want to occur in the kid’s bedroom, the car or the kitchen will determine a lot about how many other factors you can incorporate.
Example: This is going to be a tradition around coming home from school and transitioning to the evening. I’m not sure I’ll have enough bandwidth to do this every day, so I’m going to start with just Friday after-school. This will generally be at home, although it could vary on special occasions.
Minutes 4:01-6:00: Taste
Will there be a taste specifically associated with this tradition? This would definitely be the category to consider if your family tradition will include food (like birthday cake!).
Example: I’d love to have a ‘predictable’ treat, but balance it with something healthy. Cheese and crackers are an easy treat, and maybe even have a bowl of m&ms out, too!
Minutes 6:01-8:00: Touch
Touch can mean so many things! Touch can include anything from a sprinkler, to a hug to a sensory bin. Is there a specific blanket, or even a secret handshake involved in this family tradition?
Example: A big bear hug is going to be part of this tradition- and mandatory if they want candy! (I’m only sorta kidding!)
Minutes 8:01-10:00: Smell
Smells are the sense that is most closely associated with our memory, because the olfactory bulb (aka the smell center in the brain) is physically the closest to the hippocampus, where memory is processed and stored. Although it can be a weird thing to spend a minute thinking about, try not to overlook it just for that sake.
Example: I could make cookies every week, but honestly that sounds like it could be too much of a commitment for me. I’m more likely to buy a certain scent of a candle, and only have it lit on Friday afternoons.
Minutes 10:01-12:00: Sight
Sight is where you can include any decorations you might put up. You can also consider what the lighting might be like- dim for bedtimes, pitch-black for movie nights, and natural lighting for outdoor activities!
Example: For a weekly Friday-fun-day I’m not planning to have any decorations. Maybe eventually I’ll pick a certain bowl and or plate in my cupboard, or a fun one from a thrift store, and have it be the official snack-plate and/or candy bowl of Fun Fridays.
Minutes 12:01-14:00: Hear
I love using the senses as a way to guide your thoughts about starting new family traditions because it’s such a wide-open guideline! ‘Hearing’ is no different! Whether it’s a question (like “what are you thankful for?” during Thanksgiving dinner) or certain music (Christmas, anyone?), incorporating it into your family traditions can lead to even stronger memories.
Example: My kids aren’t natural ‘talkers’, so to help draw them out, I’d like to start with questions. We could either do the standard, “What was the best and worst part of your week?” or we could use our box of dinner questions. Maybe I’ll eventually get around to making a playlist of some upbeat oldies I know they won’t hear anywhere else.
Minute 14:01-15:00: Bring it all together
Take a (literal) minute to review everything you wrote down, and bring it all together. Pick one or two things to start with, and then build it up from there! Star those, and then you can even write dates (like 1 month from now, next year, whatever works for you) so that you know you’ll be back for it.
Example: I’m coming up with a Fun Friday for my kids to highlight the transition home from school for the weekend. We’ll have a simple snack of cheese and crackers, with a special treat (like bagged candy), and everyone will get a big bear hug when they come home. Everyone can share their highlights and low points from the week.
Once I get that going strong, I’ll get a candle and light it just on Fridays (like in the kitchen, not like I’m trying to set a mood or something). I’ll also keep my eyes open for a snack plate/candy bowl. And maybe make a fun playlist when I have some downtime!
Create Your Own Family Traditions (In 15 Minutes or Less!)
Your creativity + this easy to follow guide = amazing childhood memories for your kids!
Savor every moment of their childhood by creating simple, repeatable, family traditions.
Rock On!
Your Family Traditions Guide will be sent to your email in just a few minutes! Way to go, you go-getter!
Family traditions are one of the best tools you have to create that indescribable sense of family.
Traditions give a kid a sense of time within the year, and keep them looking forward to the small things. They also build a sense of place for them within the family, and help them feel like they are rooted and belong. And as a bonus- they keep that childhood energy alive for you, too!
In short, “The traditions we create today will be the memories our children cherish in the future.”
What family traditions do you have? Are there any you’re excited to start? Leave your comments below!
Usually, people think of St. Valentine’s Day as a romantic holiday, but if the focus is on love, then it makes complete sense that this can be a family holiday, too!
Bonding with your kidsis the best way to show your love for them. And traditions are an amazing way to build some of those bonds!
Using Valentine’s Day Family Traditions to Create Memories
Unfortunately, people can be intimidated by the word, ‘traditions.’ Maybe you think of some complicated ritual that takes lots of money and time to put together?
It doesn’t have to be that way! Traditions are just “long-established customs or beliefs that have been passed on from one generation to another.” Essentially, they’re something you do, that’s passed from one generation (you) to another (your kids). If you find a great one that sticks, then you’ve got a tradition! Ta-da!
One of the really cool parts about how our childhood memories work is that we tend to remember either what happened all the time, or the singular events that shaped us. Creating a Valentine’s Day tradition is an almost sure-fire way to make sure your kids remember the good things from their childhood.
Easy Valentine’s Day Family Traditions
The good news is that creating new traditions doesn’t have to be hard! In fact, I highly recommend keeping it simple and do-able.
Because, let’s be real. The simple and do-able activities are the ones you’ll repeat next year, and are the ones that get happy memories tied to them, and the ones that become traditions.
As a guide, just think of these 2 things:
Set the scene and….
Use your 5 senses
Set the Scene
Just like a good book, you’ll have to decide who the main characters are for your tradition. Will it just be your nuclear family? Are grandparents invited, too? Or is it a class event?
Make sure to do this step first, so that you can accommodate everyone as needed.
Choose the Setting
Where does this tradition occur? It could be at home, in the backyard, at the park, at church, in the car- you can have traditions anywhere! (I’m starting to feel like Mr. Fox in Green Eggs and Ham!) The point is to be purposeful about the choice, not to make it difficult. Or maybe you decide that it’s a rotating venue!
There’s no wrong answer to this, you just have to choose something.
Using Your Senses to Create New Valentine’s Day Traditions
It can be overwhelming when you’re trying to create traditions and memories for your family. How much is enough? How much is too much?
Using your senses can be a great way to create a tradition step-by-step, and solidify great childhood memories. Especially since so many of our memories center around a sensory experience.
Whether it’s a delicious cake that takes you back to your birthday’s growing up, or a sprinkler that reminds you of that great 4th of July, our memories are often tied to our senses.
1. Smell
Smell is especially associated with creating strong memories, so don’t skip this one just because it doesn’t seem obvious. (The olfactory center – i.e. smell- is the closest to the hippocampus, which is your memory area in your brain. This helps explain why smells are especially powerful at transporting us to different times and places.)
–>Valentine’s Day Family Traditions (that incorporate smell):
I love a good garland or banner. Once you find a space in your home where it’s natural to hang a banner, it’s so simple to swap out. And this super simple (and cheap!) garland is easy enough that young kids could even help make it!
3. Taste
This might be the easiest part of a new Valentine’s Day family tradition to take on. You have to eat anyway, right? So why not make a little something special? If you want even more help, just ask your family what they want on the Valentine’s Day menu!
–>Valentine’s Day Menu for Your Family
These are the sweetest heart-shaped pizzas from Jean over at the Sweet Happy Nest. And they should be able to please even your picky eaters!
Heart-shaped sugar cookies are the obvious choice, but I love how Mrs. N. shows us how much these simple traditions mean in the long-run.
Marshmallow Wands seem so easy to make, and you can definitely get the kids involved in this ‘menu’ item!
4. Touch
For Valentine’s Day family traditions that involve the sense of touch, you can do a sensory bin (or something similar) for younger kids. Or you can try hands-on crafts for slightly older kids.
And of course, for touch and Valentine’s day, I definitely recommend lots of physical affection!
Do a spin on the ‘birthday spankings’ and try ‘Valentine’s kisses’ instead. I imagine that would be a big, silly, showy kiss with the littles. Or butterfly kiss, or nose kisses. For older kids/tweens/teens you can even do a European-style kiss-on-the-cheek multiple times (14 times? Like the date?) Do what works for your family- but have fun with it!
–> Ways to Make Valentine’s Day Special for your Family
These cute “I love you to pieces” hearts are great for elementary age kids. Even the boys will love it since it involves shredding paper!
Little kids, and any kid who still likes to get hands-on will love this sensory Heart Puffy Paintactivity!
Heart Sensory Soupis a water-y (or, rather soup-y) version of a sensory bin. Which is awesome, because how many times are kids encouraged to do water play in the winter?! And if you’re afraid of the mess, you can do the activity in the tub!
5. Sound
Sound, along with smell, may not be the most obvious sense to consider when building new Valentine’s Day family traditions. Until you remember that music and stories fall in that group! Try making a family playlist for Valentine’s Day (or I’m sure Spotify has a bunch) or reading some Valentine’s day kid books with your little ones.
You can even make Valentine’s Day Bookmarks to go along with all the great books you’ll be reading! (Or turn them into Valentine’s to give to friends)Learning a song together is a fun way to incorporate sound into your Valentine’s Day family traditions. This list of preschool songs for Valentine’s Day should get you started!
Easy Valentine’s Day Family Traditions
Creating new family traditions doesn’t have to be hard! If you’re brand-new at this, I recommend starting with just one or two senses this year, and then build-up your Valentine’s Day from there!
And here’s my last tip- make sure to leave yourself a note on your phone with a reminder for Feb. 1 for next year. You can remind yourself of what you did this year and what your hopes & ideas are for next year’s Valentine’s Day family traditions!
If you need more ideas, check out my Valentine’s Day Pinterest board:
