2 Simple Steps to Be A Better Mom

Being A Better Mom Can Be Simple!

Have you ever felt like you just don’t know what you’re doing as a parent? Like you’re just surviving-minute to minute?

Did you then go down a rabbit-hole trying to find answers? Checking out a bunch of books from the library, and listening to podcasts, and reading as many parenting articles you can handle?

You’re not alone.

First, I have so much respect for your dedication to your kids, and your quest to answer the question, “How can I be the best parent?”

Second, I have really good news for you. There’s no secret, complicated formula for being a better mom! There are really only 2 steps you need to take. And it’s even backed-up by science! It only takes being attentive and having healthy expectations of your kids. Essentially, Authoritative parenting is all you need. Everything else is just gravy!

What Does Authoritative Parenting Have To Do With Being A Better Mom?

To boil it down to the quickest definition, Authoritative parenting is when the parent has a balance of high levels of demandingness (i.e. healthy expectations) for their kid, AND a high level of responsiveness (attentive).

Are There Other Types of Parenting?

Of course! There are 3 other basic types (as proposed by family scientist Diana Baumrind). They are Authoritarian, Permissive and Neglectful. You can read more about them here in this article about the different parenting styles. But the chart below helps explain the different parenting styles based on the amounts of demandingness and responsiveness, too.

All of the major parenting styles (like positive parenting, gentle parenting, attachment parenting- you get the picture) rely on you becoming an Authoritative parent. So, by just focusing on the basics, you can skip the confusion, become an awesome mom, and actually parent according to your own gut-instincts and personality!

Authoritative Parenting Is How You Can Be A Better Mom

Of the 4 different parenting types, hands-down, Authoritative parenting has been shown to be the best parenting style for our kids. But don’t believe me; believe the research!

Kids who are raised with Authoritative parents have much better outcomes in life. They are more resilient, do better in school, are more socially at ease, have higher self-esteem, and they even tend to have fewer cavities!

“Adolescents who describe their parents as treating them warmly, democratically, and firmly are more likely than their peers to develop positive attitudes toward, and beliefs about, their achievement, and as a consequence, they are more likely to do better at school.” From Child Development.

Will This Work For Me?

It’s completely fair to ask, “But will this work to help me be a better mom to my son?” (Or my teen, or my toddler, or my daughter, or my challenging kid?)

Fortunately, the answer is yes. These 2 steps will help you with every kind of kid, of every age. Because this relies on your understanding of your own son or daughter. And who knows them better than you?!

As you go through the process and figure out how to become more attentive and implement expectations, think about it in developmentally appropriate ways. A toddler and a teenager need to be treated differently! You can also tailor this to different kids’ needs. Maybe one of your kids appreciates your one-on-one time, but another just needs a good hug. You can use their Love Languages to your advantage here!

How to Become a More Engaged Parent in 2 Steps

OK, you’re sold. You need to become a more Authoritative parent. After all, it is the simplest framework I’ve seen for being the best parent. My best advice is to observe yourself and your actual current style. It’d be awesome if you could observe yourself on a good day and a bad day, too. Because that’s when the truth really comes out.

Observing yourself can be hard, so I’ve included a quick parenting worksheet for you to fill out as you go. Once you know your own tendencies, you’ll know what you need to work on.

Step 1- Be More Responsive

(I want to give a quick note before we dive into the list. You don’t have to be physically present to be responsive. If you’re a parent who lives apart from your kid or travels a lot, you can anticipate events in their lives. Maybe you know a big test or event is coming up for them. You can send a note saying good luck, you can call when they get out of school, or you can send them a short video just to say you’re thinking of them. Please don’t believe that you can’t be responsive to your kid’s needs and emotions just because you’re not physically there with them.)

Here are some examples of ways to be attentive and responsive to your kid:

• Listen attentively

• Spend time connecting

• Respond with empathy

• Have fun with them or just be silly

Authoritative Parenting Requires Balance

As with anything in life, I would recommend balance. Make sure to let your kid explore on their own, and have independence as well. Your job is to be that safe ‘home base.’ A question you can ask yourself is, “How can I make sure my kid feels heard today.”

Feeling heard is not synonymous with getting everything they want, though. For example, if your kids ask for ice cream after dinner, and that’s just not in the cards, you can let them feel heard by saying something like, “Man, that would be nice! I wish we could have dessert every night, too!” (Or whatever feels natural to you) But then cap it off by re-stating the healthy expectation that your family doesn’t have dessert every night, it’s just for Fridays/weekends/parties/when you eat all your vegetables/etc. Which is a nice segue to…

Step 2- How to Be More Demanding

The word ‘demanding’ can sound pretty harsh. And while it’s one of the two traits measured with the Baumrind Styles of Parenting, it’s not typically a word you’d associate with the quest to be a better mother.

But- if you rephrase ‘demanding’ with ‘healthy expectations’ it helps us really get to the point of this parenting characteristic. It’s as simple as being clear about your expectations.

For example, you can have expectations about things like:

• Chores

• Grades (or better yet, effort at school)

• General helpfulness/attitude around the house

• Earning privileges

• Allowance

• Family rules and consequences

• Food/healthy habits

Expectations may show up in your home as established family rules, or even as part of your family values or family culture. Being a better mom to a teen may be as simple as stating, “In this house, we help each other because we love each other.”

Consistency is Key

If expectations are a car, being consistent is the engine. These expectations will just sit around, unable to do anything or go anywhere without your consistent attitude about them. Eventually, they’ll sit around rusting out, and going completely unused, and then you’re back where you started.

Being consistent may look like giving kind but firm reminders of rules. Or just re-stating your expectation that they try their best at school. It may look like a consequence for failing to follow-through (ie: you didn’t complete your chores, so you don’t get screen-time).

So set yourself up for success when you set your expectations. Be consistent with your core family values and reinforcing your expectations won’t feel like a burden. And try not to put too many expectations in place at once; let it grow slowly with your kid’s abilities.

After all, that’s the way it naturally happens; you would absolutely have more expectations from a teenager than from a baby. So if you’re starting this process with slightly older kids, give it time for each expectation to sink in and become habit.

Being A Better Mom Will Require Self-Care

It’s important to remember that having a day, or a moment when you slip into a different style doesn’t undo all your hard work.

Absolutely, we all have days when we’re burned out and exhausted, and hope that -somehow- if we just ignore the problem, it’ll go away.

We all have days when it’s “my way or the highway.” And I promise, there will be days when the temptation to bribe our way to good behavior is strong.

But we need to recognize that when we slip into these other behaviors, it’s usually because our own reserves and strength and good-reason have run low. It doesn’t mean we’re bad parents- or bad people. If you really want to learn how to be a better mom, it’s going to mean that you need to fill your own cup before you can pour out into anyone else.

[bctt tweet=”If you really want to learn how to be a better mom, it’s going to mean that you need to fill your own cup, before you can pour out into anyone else.”]

Action Steps

We’ve established that the Authoritative parenting style is the simplest path to becoming the best parent you can be. (Oh boy, that sounds hokey. Not any less true, though!) My hope is that you as you finish reading this, you’re feeling like this is all completely do-able. I want you to be able to parent in a way that you’re being true to yourself, and still providing what your kid needs in a way that feels natural to you!

But if you feel like there are a few things you could tune-up, here are some steps you can take.

1. Do the worksheet.

This will help you lay out your plan. It’s always easier to follow-through if you actually have a plan!

2. Find one time of day you can incorporate more responsiveness or demandingness (as needed).

Make a note to yourself about how it went, and if/what you might want to change next time to improve your consistency.

It’s so important to remember that this isn’t all or nothing. Of course, we are all going to have good days and bad days. There will be times when you slip up and slide back into your more ‘natural’ parenting style. We’re just aiming for a balance of more good days than bad.

3. Schedule 10 minutes of self-care (at least!) per day.

An important thing to keep in mind is that the Authoritative style is the most demanding on us as parents. So if you find yourself having more bad days than good, it’s a clear indicator that you are in need of some serious self-care. Please, remember to take a break, and fuel and re-energize yourself so you can come back to your kids refreshed. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Just meaningful.

The Wrap-Up

If you really want to be the best parent, you need to honestly assess yourself first. Because in order to grow you need to identify your own strengths, and areas to improve. From there, you can figure out what steps you can take to move over to the Authoritative style.

If your goal is really to be an engaged mom, then you’ll need to increase your responsiveness/attentiveness. If you’re already a pretty engaged parent and need to round things out, then you can focus on the healthy expectations you have for your kid.

Download the parenting worksheet from the resource library and let me know- are you naturally stronger in having expectations, or being responsive? Improve your accountability and share what your specific plan is to be a better mom!

2 Simple Steps To Be A Better Mom

2 Simple Steps to Be A Better Mom

Being A Better Mom Can Be Simple!