Tag: child development

Raising Resilient Children

7 Simple Steps to Raising Resilient Children Who Don't Give Up #parenting101 #teachingfamilyvalues

Raising Kids with Resilience and Self-Control

I like to think of raising resilient children as the opposite of helicopter parenting. If we give kids space, we are showing our kids we have confidence in their ability to problem-solve and cope with tough situations.

By teaching resilience, and allowing our kids to struggle that just-right amount, we will build up their tolerance to dealing with stress, and help them develop stronger self-control and impulse-control.

Raising Resilient Children for Life

Resilience is important in so many aspects of our lives.

Whether it’s learning to ride a bike, try new foods, make new friends, taking a driver’s test, or standing up to peer pressure. Resiliency impacts all areas of life, at all ages. A resilient child is able to let life roll off their back a little easier, even when true adversity hits. They keep going even when things get hard. They are tenacious. And they are deeply admirable kids.

The amazing news is, this isn’t only an innate personality trait. It can be taught and strengthened! To help develop more resilient children, you can:

1. Teach your kid mantras

Give them that positive voice in their head! Teaching positive self-talk at an early age can help their self-esteem and confidence. The point of these mantras for kids isn’t that they’re particularly eloquent. In fact, they need to be short enough to memorize easily. They need to be powerful. And your child needs to believe them (or believe they could eventually be true).

Some kids will prefer first-person (I), and some speak to themselves as if they are addressing another person (you). Both of those are fine, and I’ve included both languages to help you and your kid find something that speaks to them. But these are just a jumping off point- feel free to play around and even create your own!

Some examples of these kinds of mantras are:

  1. I am (their name here) and I can do hard things.
  2. I can keep going a little further.
  3. When I try hard, I can do great things
  4. I will not quit (We changed this to a family mantra at our house, “Coopers don’t quit.)
  5. “The hard is what makes it great.” (Tom Hanks as Jimmy in A League of Their Own.)
  6. I know I can get through this.
  7. I like the challenge of trying new things.
  8. I get better every day

You can even pair these with deep breathing for a calming skill.

2. Praise the trying, not the result

If they truly tried their best, that is worthy of praise. On the flip-side, if the only time your kid hears praise from you is for a job that is (near) perfectly done, they can start to feel like your love may not be unconditional, and that their worth is determined by things out of their control (like bringing home a perfect score on a test, when that may not be their ability level, or being the fastest kid on the team). That is setting up a recipe for low self-esteem, which is definitely not what we’re going for. Especially since resilient children tend to have high self-esteem.

3. Teach problem-solving skills

I talk more about problem solving skills in this article about impulse control. If you know that problems are solveable, you’re much less likely to hide it and wallow with it, possibly even blaming yourself for the problem. You’re more likely to start chipping away at the problem, because you know that you’ll be able to solve it, or at least bring about some change. Basically, knowing you can solve problems gives a massive boost to a person’s self-efficacy.

4. Let Them Make Mistakes

Back-up and let your kids make mistakes.

Give them the chance to find themselves in a (mildly) stressful situation. Whenever I think about the problem of balancing the need and desire to protect our kids, and the need to let them grow and learn from life experience, it reminds me of Finding Nemo. Specifically, the part when Marlin (the dad) says to Nemo, “I’ll never let anything happen to you.” But if nothing ever happens to him, he’ll never grow.

In over-protecting our kids, we rob them of the chance to figure things out for themselves. Failure can be an excellent teacher. We don’t call kids resilient if they’re doing well, but nothing bad has happened. By definition, resilient children are the ones who bloom in the face of adversity.

5. Teach them to “fight the flight”

In the course of a big project or task, most people have the feeling of “isn’t this over yet?!” The desire, or impulse, to fly away from the situation is what I’m labeling the ‘flight’ here. And since your kids are human, they, too, will have the impulsive feeling of needing to give up, or just be done. They need to learn to ‘fight the flight. Resilient children are able to do this with coping skills like:

  1. Taking a breath and working on it for 1 more minute. (Repeat as needed to finish)
  2. Taking a timed break and coming back to it. Bonus points for using physical activity as the break while working on something cognitive.

6. Be a good role-model

You may already be a master of your impulses, but if it’s only in your mind, it’s time to start voicing some of your inner-process so kids can learn how we think internally. Talk through your mental process, especially as it relates to your resiliency and tenacity. Let them know when you’re successful in your fight against the impulse to take the easy way out, and what helped you to win that fight.

7. Love them Unconditionally

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child says, “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” So, the most important thing you can do is be there for them, no matter what.

Resilience in Your Family

Have you seen resilience in your child(ren)? Do you use any family mantras that I didn’t write above? I’d love to hear what your kids are using as their positive self-talk! Please, let me know in the comments below.

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Impulse Control Activities for Teens

This is Part 3 of a series about impulse control for kids and teens. Click on the links for Parts 1, 2 and 4.

Impulse Control is an Essential Skill to Develop

But I don’t need to convince you. MOST parents I talk to are already way on board with wanting to help their kid, tween or teen gain impulse-control (or self-control) skills. But actually helping our teens learn impulse control skills is a much different task. Talking about it, telling them they need more impulse control, and lectures won’t get us anywhere. The best way to teach is through specifically designed impulse control activities for teens, tweens and big kids.

Tips for Parents Before Teaching Impulse Control Activities For Teens

Before you dive in- whenever you’re working with a teenager, you need to know it’s a two way street. We still have to prepare ourselves as parents, even more than when they were younger. I have a couple of suggestions to help ensure that once you get to the point of actually implementing these impulse control activities for teens things will go more smoothly.

1. Have Realistic Expectations

Don’t set the bar too high, but don’t set it too low, either. If you know what they’re currently capable of, your expectation should be 1 or maybe 2 steps beyond that. Also, understand that there will always be some low-level impulsive ‘stuff’ to their personality. Yes, it may drive you crazy, but try not to get bogged down by the little things.

2. Use Routines to your advantage

You can initially reduce some of the need for impulse control by using routines. These are people who desperately need routines and structure. When your brain is acting like a pinball machine, structure is a safe place to rest; even if your teen seems resistant to it at first. If you’re on a diet, (which takes an immense amount of impulse control) you would set yourself up for success by removing the treats from your house, and planning out your meals. Give your teens the same benefit with routine in their life! Just because they’re impulsive, doesn’t mean they need- or even want- everything to be spontaneous.

3. Give Extra Support to the Extra Challenging Times

If you can, create extra structure around a particularly stressful time of day (or event- like exams) to help find more peace. Is getting to school on time a challenge? Implement a routine for night that includes making sure clothes are laid out, homework- and anything else they need- is already in the backpack, etc.

4. Get Their Buy-In

When you’re working with a teen, you need their buy-in to implement change. Find the common ground during a calm moment. For example, “Can we both agree that there’s too much fighting in the mornings before school?” Instead of “You’re always running late, and it’s not ok.” Maybe your teen has some ideas about what would help them be on time? If you give them the time and space to open up, you might be surprised how insightful they are!

5. Pick One Area to Work On at A Time

Have you ever had a big project going on at work, while you’re trying to stay on a very strict diet, and you’re also not spending money because you’re on a tight budget?  It’s completely overwhelming to focus on so many things, and share your attention span and impulse control over so many facets of your life. Classwork, peers, girl/boyfriends, jobs, parents, and extracurriculars are all vying for that limited amount of impulse control.  So, from where I’m standing, you have two choices for deciding which area to start with. Option 1– Where is impulse-control getting your kid into trouble the most? Are they interrupting, or wandering, or chronically late? Choose one topic, and if you can, break it down even smaller, like working on not interrupting your teachers (we’ll get to parents later). Think of it as ‘niching down.’ Option 2– Where will you be able to make the biggest impact the quickest? Will simply making sure the homework actually gets back to school be the biggest difference maker? You could choose to focus on that first.

6. Understand They Will Still Need Your Help

Teens are doing everything they can to gain more and more independence- which is completely developmentally appropriate! So I understand that it feels incongruent to say that they need even more help right now. But when we give them a new task to try, they’re going to need our support. If they have support, they’ll be more successful, which will give them more confidence, which will make them want to continue on their own. Once they’re confident in the task, you can peel back some of your support- layer by layer.

7. Practice, Practice, Practice

Impulse control is best compared to a muscle, and not a set of knowledge. You can’t go to the gym once a month, or even once a week, and really expect to grow stronger. This isn’t something that can be taught once, and then you expect them to know how to do it. It will take consistent work, for a lifetime, to grow and keep the impulse control ‘muscles’ strong.

8. Be A Good Role-Model

The need to continue practicing impulse control extends into our adult lives. So be the best role-model you can! If you can’t be perfect, (and no one expects you to be!) talk about it with your kid. You can even check out ideas for improving your own impulse control.

Life Skills to Improve Impulse Control

So, now that you have your teen’s buy-in, let’s talk about what skills actually make a difference in improving impulse control. Then we’ll get to translating those skills into actual impulse control activities for teens.

First, teenagers need to continue in their emotional, mental and social development. As they continue developing, the brain matures through experience and they can start to feel some of the regret, and see the social consequences of poor impulse control. And with greater mental development, they will gain the ability to think about different behaviors that would lead to different outcomes.

Second, we need to help them with their stress-reduction skills. Think about when you’re most likely to break your diet and have that dessert, or glass of wine, you told yourself you wouldn’t. It’s not when you’re calm and in control. It’s when you’re feeling stressed out, and out of control. Most teens experience a tremendous amounts of stress, so giving them better stress-reduction techniques can help improve impulse control in the same way it can help you stick to a diet, etc.

Third, we can help our teenagers develop mindfulness. This goes hand in hand with stress-reduction. But by learning mindfulness, too, they can start sensing their body’s physical cues about when stress and impulses are about to take over. Mindfulness is excellent for helping overall regulation. If you think of your teen as a car, that would be the care and maintenance part. It’s also great for quick stress-reduction, which addresses ’emergency repairs.’

Fourth, we need to give them concrete problem-solving skills. To a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If we haven’t taught our teens to respond in a different way when a problem arises, they will continue with the same problematic (impulsive) behavior from the past. We need to give them the tools to be able to step-back, analyze, and solve a problem.

Lastly, we need to provide them opportunities to practice delayed gratification. The need for instant gratification can get teens into a lot of trouble. Unprotected sex, verbal outbursts, physical aggression, and using drugs are all things people do because they ‘wanted to’ or because it felt like the right thing at the time. If you’re asking, “Why did you do that?” and getting responses like, “I don’t know,” “just because,” or “because I wanted to,” chances are you’re dealing with a teen with very little ability to tolerate delayed gratification.

Impulse Control Activities for Teens

I’ll break these activities down by life-skill. Many of these skills may seem basic to you as an adult, but your teen may need a reminder to use the new tools in their toolbox. Gentle, friendly reminders are going to help them create routines and new, positive habits. But they won’t be able to do it without you. New habits can take at least 28 days to build, but they can fall apart quicker than that through sporadic use.

1. Emotional, Mental and Social Development

  • Organized sports/activities/clubs
  • Keep a journal; reflect on when you were able to exhibit impulse control, and when you were not. What did you mean to happen?
  • Have a few pre-planned responses to help ward off peer pressure
  • For teens with trouble regulating time, use a planner with hour (or even half hour) time slots. Build in timers and routines for filling out the planner and referencing it. (Read about more time management tips for teens here.)

2. Stress-Reduction Techniques

  • Take a shower
  • Have a mantra or Bible passage memorized. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NRSV) is a personal favorite, but a quick Google or Pinterest search will help you find many more.
  • Write out the things you are, and are NOT in control of.
  • Practice deep breathing.
  • Dance
  • Physical activity
  • Blowing bubbles
  • Coloring
  • Journaling

3. Developing Mindfulness

  • Practice yoga, meditation, or even just controlled breathing
  • Identify  which situations are most likely to get you in trouble, then work backwards. What feelings do you have before it? What events precede it? Are you misreading situations? (Also applies to Continued Development and Problem-Solving Skills.)
  • Use the “Stop, think, go” technique when you start to have feelings that indicate impulsivity.

4. Problem-solving Skills

  • Understand problem areas, and develop a few planned responses
  • Practice breaking problems down into smaller chunks
  • Ask for help
  • Make a plan
  • Step back, and come back to the problem later with fresh eyes

5. Practicing Delayed Gratification

  • Plan and budget for a special purchase
  • Gardening
  • Long-term (start with 1-2 weeks, and build from there) crafts or projects.
  • Large puzzles

Bonus- Activities for Impulsive Interrupting/Verbal Outbursts

If these techniques are mainly going to be used in a classroom setting, your teen may want to talk to their teachers, or you could send a quick email to let them know what’s going on, so your kid doesn’t feel pressured or rushed. I would recommend practicing this at home to the point where your teen is comfortable before bring this to school, though.

  • Before talking, practice taking a deep breath, and taking that extra second to consider the response.
  • Practice literally talking slower.
  • ‘Parrot’ back the question. Try not to repeat word for word, but state your understanding. “So, you’re asking if…” This one take a lot of practice.
  • Use imagery to help. Imagine a zipper on your mouth. Or, imagine your mouth is stuffed full of marshmallows, and you can only respond with 1 or 2 words.

Removing the Layers of Support

Your support is critical to your teen. If they try to push you away, or act like the don’t want or need your help, just remember that they’re doing their developmental job. It also probably means you need some more buy-in from them.

Once they have developed the routine, you can slowly remove some of your supports. But think of it like Jenga- things don’t go well if you just take 10 pieces at once out of the base. But if you slowly and strategically remove blocks from the bottom, you can be left with something that stands stronger and taller than when you started.

If you’ve been left feeling drained, exhausted, and out of ideas, sign up for the newsletter! I will help build you back up, through encouragement, new tips, and by being someone to bounce ideas off of. I hope to hear from you soon!

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How To Teach Impulse Control To Children

How To Start Teaching Impulse Control In Children

(Note: This is Part 2 in a series on impulse control in children. Click on the link for Part 1, Impulse Control Activities: Teaching The Basics, or Part 3, Impulse Control Activities for Teens)

How many times do you find yourself saying “Whhhhy did you do that?!”

If it’s too many to count, you’re probably struggling with poor impulse control in children at your house.

And to top it off, is your kid’s response your questioning “Why,” just a shoulder shrug and “I dunno.” Or, “I just wanted to”?!

It’s frustrating on a good day, and it’s downright infuriating on the others! It’s like a brick wall that blocks all further conversation, and stops your from taking any steps forward.

But even if you can’t move forward, you still have options. You can take a step back.

If your son or daughter doesn’t recognize the cause of their action, we need to address that before we’re able to move on to the action itself. I really like the analogy of teaching impulse control in children to teaching potty-training. Because A) it’s something we’ve all done with our kids, B) it’s massively based on child development, and C) even though it can be hard to teach -and learn- the payoffs are enormous.

The First Steps of Impulse Control

The steps from ‘going’ in a diaper to using a potty need to include recognizing the urge, understanding what it means, and then choosing to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. There can be different feelings behind impulsive behavior for kids; anger, anxiety, or even joy. Cognitive differences, such as ADHD, autism or developmental delays also contribute to poor impulse control in children. Kid’s developmental stage has a huge impact on impulsive behavior. Strong emotions have the ability to block out rational thought, so we need to control our emotions before we’re able to control our thoughts and actions.

So the first step is recognizing the feeling.

Steps For Better Impulse Control In Children

Maybe I should clarify, and say that the first step is really for kids to recognize the feeling AND label it. It does us no good if you’re calling something yellow, and I’m calling it green. We’ll be mixed up and confused before we can even talk about what to DO with the emotions. We need to be on the same page, and that starts with the language we use. In light of that, here are some first steps to addressing impulse control in children.

1. Sensations in the Body are the first clue

This is huge. Kids often experience feelings in their bodies before they understand their emotions. Things like upset stomachs, a dizzy head, and clenched fists are all great clues for how a kid is feeling. You might even call anger the ‘tight fist feeling’ (if that’s the actual physical response your kid has- otherwise fill in the blank) before it starts to really click in your kid’s head that the emotion they’re having is anger.

2. Use the kid’s own language

If your son or daughter says, “I feel worried” or “my stomach gets sick about getting an answer wrong at school” that’s a goldmine! Use THEIR words! When you parrot it back, just say, “I’m so sorry to hear your stomach gets sick, let’s talk about that.” You don’t have to try and translate it to “you sound like you’re anxious.” They’ll feel more understood, and accepted for who they are, if you’re taking the effort to listen to exactly what they’re saying. Which, will make them more likely to talk about it with you in the future!

3. Use Lots of Books

So your kid’s not a talker? That doesn’t mean they get to shut down the whole conversation. Don’t underestimate the power of a good book, especially for topics like impulse control in children. They can be a great tool for starting conversations, normalizing feelings, and giving kids the language to talk about what’s going on with them! Some books to check out (These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon associate I earn from qualifying purchases):

Baxter Turns Down His Buzz: A Story for Little Kids about ADHD

Listening To My Body

What Were You Thinking?: Learning To Control Your Impulses

My Mouth Is A Volcano!

4. Tell A short story about a friend

If you can’t find a book about a specific topic, or don’t feel like running out to the library, you can always tell a short story. Keep it short and simple, and close to your kid’s situation without being an exact duplicate. *Hint hint* The story doesn’t actually have to be about a friend. It could be your younger self, or it could be a made-up person. Or if you’re not comfortable with your story-telling skills, you could flip the script and ask your kid to tell you a story (about someone in their position) instead.

5. Talk About Feelings In Everyday Life

Tell your kid(s) how you’re feeling -while still maintaining boundaries, please- to help normalize that humans feel all kinds of emotions. There’s no wrong emotion- it’s just about what you do with it. (I.e.: Your kid is allowed to feel mad, but they’re not allowed to hit.) I like to also drive the point home with reinforcing the physical aspects of emotions. So I might tell kids, “when I get nervous or scared, my chest feels tight, like there’s an elephant sitting on it.” When I can use descriptive language like that, I’m much more likely to get them to chime in with something like, “Oh yeah!! I felt like that when I couldn’t see my mom at school pick-up!”

Start Talking About Impulse Control In Children

We can help improve impulse control in children by giving them the language to talk about it. How are you currently talking about feelings, in general, with your kid? Are you helping them make the connections? Did you think of a specific word or phrase they use, especially about impulsive behaviors?

The free printable (that you can grab right above!) has some prompts and spaces where you can write down these answers for a quick reference.

Which of these steps do you think your kid, in particular, would relate to best? Let me know in the comments below!

GET MORE HELP!

A new course, Easier Impulse Control, designed specifically to help stressed-out parents with kids who have impulsive behaviors is here!

  • Learn the trick to finding the strengths in your kid’s behaviors
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Impulse Control Activities For Kids: Teaching The Basics

This is Part 1 in a series about impulse control for children and teens. Click on the links for Part 2: How to Teach Impulse Control in Children or for Part 3: Impulse Control Activities for Teens.

 

Impulse Control Is Critical

Kids without impulse control are hard to manage. They are reactors, and not thinkers, which can make parenting them feel like your parenting a hand-grenade. You never know when they’ll have a fit or meltdown, try to run away, throw something across the room, or act out aggressively.  Learning impulse control is imperative for kids, whether they are typically developing or they are experiencing a range of mental health or cognitive disorders. 

 

Impulse Control Is Part of Child Development

Impulse control isn’t about “bad kids” and “good kids.” It’s about whether their brain has had a chance to develop brakes. I know it’s not a scientific term, but it really is the best descriptor I’ve found. Just because your child is having fits, or throwing something across the room DOES NOT mean they are a “bad kid.” Their brain simply hasn’t had a chance to develop yet.

Everyone will eventually develop these brakes that stop us from impulsively making poor choices- like eating an entire bowl full of cookie dough, or running out into the street without looking to chase a ball. (Interestingly, a new way to conceptualize ADHD is as a developmental delay in impulse control.) Impulse control, or self-restraint, will vary in strength from person to person- like other personality traits. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give it a helping hand!

 

Teaching Impulse Control

I hear you! It’s REALLY hard to live with a kid who’s throwing things, hitting people, or running out into the street because they’re not thinking it through. The good news is, you can help them develop impulse control with practice. The bad news is, it’s also going to take patience because you literally have to wait for their brain to develop. But you can help their brain start making all the connections and create the right pathways through practice. You’ve helped your kid achieve a million other milestones, and you can help coach them to learn better impulse control, too! 

There are actually a lot of similarities to teaching impulse control, and potty training. In potty training, the kid has to recognize the feeling of needing to use the bathroom, understand what it means, and then choose to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. And in both cases, some kids will be a breeze to teach, and will seemingly pick this up by themselves. Others will be a hard-fought battle, whether due to temperament or developmental delays or cognitive differences. The silver-lining here is that the most difficult challenges are the sweetest to overcome!

 

Parent Or Coach?

As a sidebar before these awesome practice activities- I know coaching and teaching your kid to go further than they thought possible is an amazing part of being a parent. But being the person who loves them unconditionally, and thinks they’re perfect and wonderful and amazing just how they are? That’s something only you can do. You are their parent, and it’s an awesome and singular responsibility. Take some pressure off yourself; you’re not their therapist. So don’t push too hard, follow your child’s lead with these activities, build-up their tolerance gradually, and have fun!

 

Impulse Control Activities for Kids

 

1. Red Light, Green Light

It may not be a fancy, or glamorous game, but this has all the components of good activity for developing impulse control. The kid has to listen, has to choose to follow the rules, must have control of their body, and has to temporarily do something they don’t want to (i.e.: stop at the “red light”).

 

2. Simon Says 

Another low-tech, no-prep impulse control activity for children that focuses on listening, body control, and the ability to physically restrain yourself. 

 

3. Balloon Toss

This one takes 15 seconds of prep-work. Give your kid an inflated balloon, and ask them not to throw it up in the air for 30 sec. (or less depending on your kid- this isn’t a punishment.) You want them to have that feeling of “but I waaaaant to” before you let them toss it a few times. Then talk about that feeling, and how they were able to overcome it. Just for a few sentences; this shouldn’t be a lecture! They just exemplified impulse control!!

 

4. Board Games 

Turn taking is an excellent way to practice restraining impulsive behavior! Games like Chutes and Ladders, Sorry, Trouble, or Monopoly, where there are negatives like being sent back to the start (or jail!!), provide a second-layer of ‘fun discomfort’ to challenge your kid! Try these less common board games for impulse control for a great twist on game night 

 

5. Organized Sports

Many communities start offering organized sports around age 3. Don’t worry about whether or not your kid will be good! It’s not about that. Even super young organized sports require basic listening, sharing and self-restraint. And playing on a team can be a fun way to practice these skills, and maybe even make some friends!  

 

Transferring These Skills To Real-Life

You may be feeling anxious for these skills to start showing in real-life, instead of just games. But remember when your sweet little baby started walking? He or she didn’t start just walking down the street by themselves! And you didn’t berate them for holding onto the couch to get to you while you waved a stuffed animal at them so they’d walk to you. You played games, and cheered them on and maybe even caught those first steps on camera! And when they fell, even after they learned to walk, you helped them back up. Your kiddo will get there with impulse control, too. It may not be on your time-frame, but it’ll happen.

To help this transfer to real-life, you can work on recognizing any time that they exhibit self-restraint/impulse control, and commenting on it immediately. (This is not a group that responds well to delayed gratification.) In the meantime, I’d suggest practicing excellent self-care and getting a break when you can. 

Have patience, and have fun! 

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