You Need A Stronger Marriage

Choosing A Strong Marriage

It’s been a hard day. You were up early with one of the kids, and the day didn’t let up after that. Between just getting the basics done, and kids throwing fits and not listening, you didn’t get a chance to brush your teeth until 1! The best word to describe it is ‘relentless.’  Then your husband is late getting home. When he walks through the door, what do you do?

There are so many choices! You could give him the cold shoulder for leaving you high and dry. You could just verbally dump your day. Yelling is always an option. What about just walking out door?

Or you could choose a more loving tactic; give him a hug, ask how he is, and tell him (kindly) what support you need.

Putting The Marriage First

It’s not always easy to put your marriage first. To do that, you need to choose to love over and over and over again. You need to develop love as an action, and not just a feeling. When you choose to the do the loving thing, even if it requires a little extra effort, THAT is putting your marriage first. Even if you’re tired, or don’t feel particularly in-love with your husband at that moment, it’s important to choose to love.

To have a strong marriage, you will need to be self-less. And choose to not show your irritation about the little things. You’ll have to choose not to indulge your own petty feelings, because the greater whole (ie: your family) is more important than one person (you). It’s not easy.

But there are so many days when blowing off a little steam would feel so much easier! After all, so much of the world is saying, “just do you.” And you are feeling exhausted from working all day and taking care of kids!.

So why make the effort?

Because marriage is the foundation of your family. If you want a peaceful, joyful family- start with your marriage.

The marriage determines the culture of the family. It sets the tone. If it the house’s foundation is strong, the structure will stand firm, even in the strongest storms. Water doesn’t leak into the basement. The floors aren’t slowly sinking. Sometimes it takes years for the foundations to crumble, and the damage occurs so slowly it’s hardly perceptible. Sometimes, an outside force (an earthquake, or a bulldozer) destroys it in minutes; and while it can be rebuilt, it’s not the same as before. A strong marriage is worth the effort.

“Good Marriages Don’t Need Work”

Now, please let me address the fallacy that a good marriage just happens. Hearing that makes me want to pull my hair out and scream from the rooftop. No marriage on Earth, throughout time, has benefited from neglect. Even a benignly neglected foundation will crumble.

There’s even a lie out there that takes this one step further. If you have to work on your marriage, it wasn’t good to begin with. Both of those ideas are fallacies. Believing either of them is a massive disservice to you.

I’m not sure exactly where the idea that you don’t have to work on your marriage came from, but I do understand that it’s hard work. Showing up for your marriage requires knowing yourself, being vulnerable, and trusting another person to be gentle with your truth. But you owe it to yourself … A strong marriage is just the beginning to a great life!

You really do need a strong marriage

It all sounds great in theory. And yes, having a great marriage is initially what you signed up for. (I’ve yet to meet a person who has said, “I only really ever expected our relationship to be mediocre.) But this goes beyond the desire to have that ‘in love’ feeling. It even goes beyond just the two of you.

1. You deserve a partner in life

A strong marriage means you have a partner to go through life with. It’s like having a president and vice president; you play to your strengths to balance each other. But no one ends up with all the work. There’s a sounding board. When there’s only one person at top, it’s easy to get burned out, or simply not be able to do everything that was on your agenda.

Better yet, your life is going to be immeasurably more enjoyable if you have your best friend always at your side. Imagine the joy and confidence you would have from knowing that your spouse always supported you (even if they disagreed with you).

2. Better for the kids

A strong marriage benefits the kids, because each adult feels fulfilled, and isn’t therefore seeking out emotional support or fulfillment in (one of) their children. In emotionally unfulfilling marriages, people are left needing love, support and friendship. Unfortunately, parents often (sometimes unknowingly) seek out their kids as a means to get this love, support and friendship. The parent ends up having a lopsided relationship with their kid, which undermines their ability to parent effectively. Imagine trying to tell someone you were just being best friends with to go to their room!

If the love, support and friendship that each of you needs is given within your marriage, you can maintain better boundaries with your kids. So, basically, a strong marriage means your kids are less likely to go to therapy when they’re older! Also, research has shown, time after time, how kids generally fare better in stable households. And one path to a stable household is a strong marriage.

3. Increased respect for each other and from your kids

If kids are seeing parents argue (not to be confused with fair debating) it gives the impression that they don’t have to respect what each parent is saying either. It’s not explicitly stated, but that’s the message you receive. But in a strong marriage, you will choose to be loving, so it (almost) goes without saying that you’ll be respectful to each other, too!

Side note- If you’re having a problem with your kids speaking disrespectfully to you, you might want to listen carefully to how they hear your husband speak to you.

4. A happier family for generations

People often fall into the pattern of marrying someone like their parents, and emulating their parent’s marriage. Not because it’s the best, but because it’s what they are intimately familiar with. If you want your children to have strong, healthy relationships, and your grandkids to grow up in loving, nurturing supportive homes, one of the best things you can do to support that is to strengthen your own marriage. The impact of a marriage, for better or worse, lasts generations.

5. Greater Financial Success

Divorce is expensive. The old adage of, “It’s cheaper to keep her,” is certainly true. But even if divorce wasn’t on your horizon, improving your marriage can still improve your finances. Better communication means that you are able to talk about the budget and purchases without hurt and ego. No more sneaking a bag into the house and opening it in a few weeks and hoping your husband or wife doesn’t notice!

And, when you’re happy with the life you have, you’ll notice your desire to buy the ‘extras’ might decrease. You wouldn’t have a need for retail therapy, or anything else that  artificially creates joy. And that will definitely help your financial bottom line!

It’s Hard to Make Time

In most seasons of life, it’s really hard to make time to dedicate to your marriage. It can be really hard not to fall into the trap where you’re saying to yourself, “We’re doing alright; we don’t fight so we must be good.” Even a good marriage needs consistent time and effort to stay strong.

One of the things that drives me nuts is when other people give the advice, “You just have to be intentional with making time.” It drives me absolutely crazy because I feel like a) that totally glosses over how incredibly challenging it is, and b) doesn’t give you one tiny bit of practical advice.

It also doesn’t address the fact that most dates seemingly cost money! And it’s no secret that families with young any kids don’t generally have wads of cash laying around. But really, those barriers can be overcome with a little planning.

Here are some actual tips for finding the time and/or money (even if you think you have none) so you can work on your marriage:

Schedule it:

If you have kids, spontaneity as a plan went out the door. You are going to need to schedule time for you and your husband. Be planful. If you know that you’re both dead on your feet on Friday nights, don’t choose that night for a date! If you long to drink a cup of coffee while it’s still hot, maybe a Saturday morning coffee date is best for you!

Utilize free babysitting:

If you have a friend who is looking to get out of the house, try swapping date nights. Choose two dates, and she’ll come over to your house and hang out while you go on a date! And then vice versa. (It’s nicest to do after the kids are in bed- you both have a had a full day of your own kids- you don’t need to be putting someone else’s kids to bed!) Voila! Free babysitting! (And- a free night of relaxing me-time at your friend’s house.)

Have a Date Night In:

There are so many options on this. But I still maintain, you have to plan it. Make sure you’re both on board, so the kids can go to bed early and you can maximize your night together! Options for a date-night-in include:

• Movie and popcorn
• Learn a language together (use an app that makes it into a game!)
• Order dinner in, and get dressed up for each other, just like you would if you were going out to eat
• Learn a new card/board game (bonus for swapping games with a friend so you can do this for free!)
• Make a romantic dinner together and eat by candlelight
• Watch your wedding video together
• Talk about the future and plan out giant dreams and goals for you to accomplish together.
• Take online quizzes together (if it’s your thing, personality quizzes are a fun way to get to know yourself- and your spouse- better!)
• And more!

Go to the gym together:

Often, gyms have childcare that is free (ie: included with your membership) for an hour or two. You could go work out together, get your endorphins going, and then enjoy that ‘high’ together with a soak in the hot tub or visit to the sauna afterwards!

Even the Best Marriages Need Continual Work

Imagine if you went to the gym consistently; maybe you were training for something. Let’s say you were training for a half-marathon. You went running, you worked out, and congratulations, you completed your half-marathon! You’re in shape, and you’re feeling great about it!

Now imagine that because you were really happy with your achievement, you stopped going to the gym and working out. Would you be able to run a half-marathon a month later? Maybe. How about 6 months later? Probably not.

It’s like that with relationships. Once you have them where you want them, you still have to put in maintenance effort. There will always be storms, but ideally most of the work will be fun and enjoyable. Enjoying a drink on the beach with your husband totally counts as working on your marriage! Just make sure to have a drink for me, too!

What Will You Do To Strengthen Your Marriage?

Making your marriage the priority of your family life isn’t easy. But it’s crucial. Choosing to love can be a challenging thing.

Take half a minute, be brave, and rate how strong your marriage currently is. What are it’s weak points? What are it’s strong points? Using a 1-10 scale, what was the best your marriage ever was? How do you stack up against that right now? Could you ever get to a point where it’s even better than when you were at your best?

If you’re really ready to work on strengthening your marriage, ask your spouse the same questions.

So, what steps would you be willing to take to work on your marriage? This isn’t a fluffy question. Don’t be tricked into thinking only people with time, or money, or younger/easier kids can get the chance to work on their marriage.  How can you choose to love your spouse today?

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Is There Another Way to “Do” Father’s Day?

Families come in so many shapes and sizes- there should never be judgment about what your family looks like!

Unfortunately, if you live in a non-traditional family, Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day) can leave you feeling ‘less than’ and that you’re missing something.

Not a great feeling.

Then, to add salt in the wound, kids love celebrations. So this time of year can make them feel self-conscious about dad’s absence AND they miss out on the fun barbeques festivities from Father’s Day. Rituals are an important part of family life. They serve as anchors for the year, and give us all something to look forward to. These rituals that we do over and over again are a huge part of what is cemented in our minds as the picture of our childhood.

So even if there’s no ‘official’ dad in your kid’s life, you can still celebrate Father’s Day. It’s a win-win. Win 1- giving your kid that ritual to anchor June. Win 2- you might even start looking forward to it, too!

Here Are Some Options to Help You Start Brainstorming Your New and Improved Father’s Day: 

Reclaim the holiday for your family

Rename it, and find a ritual to celebrate. Families come in many shapes and sizes; this is a day to embrace the family you have!

• You could do some volunteer work- maybe by visiting a nursing home where men may not be getting visits from their kids.
• You may want to consider avoiding places where Father’s Day will be in your face.

Celebrate a Father Figure in Your Kid’s Life

or other men who have been there. You could turn it into Grandfather’s Day, or generalize it to all fathers. You’ll be helping your kid(s) focus on the positive of who IS in their life, instead of who isn’t. You could even just write notes to coaches, teachers, neighbors, etc. Doesn’t have to be extravagent , but everyone likes to know they’re appreciated.

Ignore It and Carry On

This is still an option on the table. And it may be the best option for your family. I would make 2 recommendations with this option, though. First, I would be very upfront with this (with kids who are old enough to understand). You’re not celebrating Father’s Day because dad’s not around, and your family is great the way it is. My second recommendation would be to find another holiday to get behind in mid-June so you can have a ritual to anchor your month. Maybe your family just gets really into Flag Day now (June 14th). Or Juneteenth is on the 19th, and deserves way more universal celebrating.

Get Out There and Enjoy “Father’s Day!”

The bottom line here is this- do what’s right for your family this Father’s Day. I’m just here to support you and offer a few ideas to get you on your way!

Let’s Empower the Fathers in Our Lives

This generation of fathers, currently raising young children, deserves a ton of praise. As a whole, they have continued the trend of increasing both quality and quantity of the care of their kids. In general, they have found a way to be more present than their fathers, who were in turn more present than their fathers. According to the Pew Research Center,

“Dads are much more involved in child care than they were 50 years ago. In 2015, fathers reported spending, on average, seven hours a week on child care – almost triple the time they provided back in 1965. And fathers put in about nine hours a week on household chores in 2015, up from four hours in 1965. By comparison, mothers spent an average of about 15 hours a week on child care and 18 hours a week on housework in 2015.

While fathers are spending more time with their children, many feel they’re still not doing enough. Roughly half (48%) say they spend too little time with their kids… Dads are also less positive about their own parenting than are moms. Just 39% of fathers say that they are doing a “very good job” raising their children, compared with 51% of mothers.”

Kids Benefit From Engaged Fathers

Dads have absolutely become more engaged in fatherhood, and there have been many studies showing the positive effect this has on kids. Having a dad who is both involved in a kid’s hands-on care (think dressing, feeding, etc.) and spends time playing with them has been linked to:

1. Increased cognitive development
2. More positive peer interactions (Basically, more friendly kids)
3. Higher levels of school readiness
4. Better problem-solving skills

Those Are Some Amazing Results!

These dads are stepping up, but still, only 39% of fathers feel like they’re doing a “very good job.” Honestly, I think that’s pretty sad, and way more men than that are doing a “very good job.” These are men who are trying their hardest, and are WAY more engaged with their families than their own fathers and grandfathers. Interestingly, the studies have also shown that quality of parenting, and not the division of routine care between parents, was more strongly associated with positive child behavioral outcomes.

This generation of men has continued to redefine what an active father should be. And no one has benefitted more from this new vision of fatherhood than our kids. I think it goes without saying that we want the best for our kids, and for our spouses. To do that, when we think of the men in our kids’ lives, as wives, moms, sisters, or friends, we need to ask ourselves, “How do can I support him, as a father?”

6 Ideas to Empower Fathers:

6. Do not refer to time fathers spend alone with their children as babysitting

They are parenting. When you say he is babysitting, you’re implying that he is not capable to care for his children full-time.

5. Help to make sure Dad’s voice is heard

Anytime Dad is involved in a school meeting, doctor’s visit, etc., make sure that people are speaking to both of you directly. It’s common to see father’s communicated to via the mothers, so help out by stepping out of the way.

4. Work on your teamwork

Work on the co-parenting and couple relationship. Parenting will be easier for both of you if you are both on the same team! And it’s easier to be on his team if you have a strong marriage. (Or if you’re not romantically together, at least having a cordial relationship). Try to see his parenting ideas through from his perspective. What was life like for him as a kid? Is he trying to avoid or recreate it? What are his values/goals? (If you’re not sure where to get started, try this article or this course.) By working on your relationship(s!) you are supporting him by increasing your teamwork.

3. Encourage his style of parenting

He will parent differently than you- and that’s ok!! That’s the beauty of the two parent system. Find the value in what he does differently. Statistically, men tend to play rougher with their children, which then helps the kids learn physical limits, and cooperation. That’s just one example of how having the balancing styles of parenting benefits kids. When kids see more than one ‘right’ way to achieve something, it helps create more flexibility in their thinking!

2. Don’t correct him

If they dressed the kid in plaid shorts with a butterfly print shirt, let it be. No one will be harmed, and if you correct everything he does, he’ll eventually step back from the process because you’ve essentially told him he’s not good at being a dad. That’s not exactly what we’re going for. You’ll benefit from letting go, and Dad will appreciate not being micromanaged!

1. Tell the Fathers they’re doing a good job

Not in a pandering way, like the double-standard examples of when a stranger tells a father at the grocery store he’s such a good dad, because he’s grocery shopping with a kid. That’s just parenting basics.

But, when you come home, drained and exhausted from the days demands, and still find a way to wrestle with the kids, or help with homework, or get dinner on the table (or all 3!), I call that a “very good job.” Whether your a mom OR a dad. Do you best in those moments to tell him he’s a great dad! And don’t just save it for Father’s Day!

Do you have any other ways you support your kid’s father? I’d love to hear about them. Please share in the comments below!

Resources:

I had a few resources I couldn’t link to, so I want to make sure they’re given credit!

Buswell, L., Zabriskie, R., Lundberg., and Hawkins, A. (2012). The Relationship Between Father Involvement in Family Leisure and Family Functioning: The Importance of Daily Family Leisure. Leisure Sciences, 34.

Kline-Pruett, M., Pruett K., Pape-Cowan, C., and Cowan P.A. (2017) Enhancing Father Involvement in Low-Income Families: A Couples Group Approach to Preventive Intervention. Child Development, 88(2). ​