Tag: Parenting Advice

Create New Family Traditions in 15 Minutes (Or Less!)

Why Are Family Traditions So Important?

In short, because they anchor us. Family traditions give us a sense of place and time. They take us from just knowing that it’s Christmas, or the 4th of July, or Friday night, to experiencing it. 

Have you ever had a holiday where you didn’t do what you normally do? Maybe you went on vacation instead of to Grandma’s house. I’ll bet anything that you (or someone next to you) said, “It just doesn’t feel like Christmas this year.” 

That is the power of family traditions.

They create a sense of order within the year. And they help us continue to look forward to the next thing! 

Are Family Traditions Only for Holidays?

No! Family traditions are usually associated with the big holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving, but you can have traditions for every day of the week if you wanted!

Some examples of how to build family traditions into your weekly life would be Friday-night-pizza-night, or having family game night on Sunday evenings. Even week-night dinners can turn into family traditions!

Of course, there are also birthdays, and smaller holidays, like Valentine’s Day or Father’s Day, that lend themselves pretty naturally to family traditions, as well.

Family Traditions and Childhood Memories

Family traditions may be the easiest way to hardwire happy childhood memories into your kids. 

Human memory is endlessly fascinating, but in general, we tend to remember the things that either happened all the time or the things that are so unique and important (for better or for worse) that they leave an indelible imprint on our minds.  

Family traditions can actually hit both those categories. A simple tradition, like singing “Happy Birthday” can be something that happens all the time (like at every birthday) and something that is unique and important (think of how special you feel when everyone is singing to you on your birthday, especially as a kid!).

Memory and the 5 Senses

Our 5 senses are also very important in creating those memories. When something happens to heighten our senses, it tends to alert our minds that something important is going on. It also creates additional ‘points’ on our ‘memory maps’ (aka neural networks) that help strengthen the staying power of that memory.

So it would make sense that a childhood memory that goes beyond the base of making an emotional connection would become more likely to stick around for the long-term. Playing a game with your family can be a great memory. But if there’s some music in the background, laughter, or even the smell of homemade cookies in the oven? And if you do that weekly? That’s the recipe for a long-term memory- and your kid remembering their childhood as a happy one.

How to Start New Family Traditions

Using this free printable, and the examples of family traditions below can make it easy.

Create a Family Tradition in Just 15 Minutes

Grab a timer and a notebook. Let’s go!

Minutes 0:00-2:00- Who 

Who is this family tradition for? Is it everyone, or is it just one parent and one of the kids? Maybe it’s for the whole extended family. Deciding who will be involved will set the stage for the rest of the family tradition.

Example: This tradition is about the kids- either or both parents will be just fine.

Minutes 2:01-4:00- When and Where

Is this going to be a daily, weekly or holiday/event-based tradition? Or maybe it’s more on an as-needed basis?  Then choose where this will occur. Knowing whether this is something that you want to occur in the kid’s bedroom, the car or the kitchen will determine a lot about how many other factors you can incorporate.

Example: This is going to be a tradition around coming home from school and transitioning to the evening. I’m not sure I’ll have enough bandwidth to do this every day, so I’m going to start with just Friday after-school. This will generally be at home, although it could vary on special occasions.

Minutes 4:01-6:00: Taste

Will there be a taste specifically associated with this tradition? This would definitely be the category to consider if your family tradition will include food (like birthday cake!).

Example: I’d love to have a ‘predictable’ treat, but balance it with something healthy. Cheese and crackers are an easy treat, and maybe even have a bowl of m&ms out, too! 

Minutes 6:01-8:00: Touch

Touch can mean so many things! Touch can include anything from a sprinkler, to a hug to a sensory bin. Is there a specific blanket, or even a secret handshake involved in this family tradition? 

Example: A big bear hug is going to be part of this tradition- and mandatory if they want candy! (I’m only sorta kidding!) 

Minutes 8:01-10:00: Smell

Smells are the sense that is most closely associated with our memory, because the olfactory bulb (aka the smell center in the brain) is physically the closest to the hippocampus, where memory is processed and stored. Although it can be a weird thing to spend a minute thinking about, try not to overlook it just for that sake.

Example: I could make cookies every week, but honestly that sounds like it could be too much of a commitment for me. I’m more likely to buy a certain scent of a candle, and only have it lit on Friday afternoons.

Minutes 10:01-12:00: Sight

Sight is where you can include any decorations you might put up. You can also consider what the lighting might be like- dim for bedtimes, pitch-black for movie nights, and natural lighting for outdoor activities!

Example: For a weekly Friday-fun-day I’m not planning to have any decorations. Maybe eventually I’ll pick a certain bowl and or plate in my cupboard, or a fun one from a thrift store, and have it be the official snack-plate and/or candy bowl of Fun Fridays.

Minutes 12:01-14:00: Hear

I love using the senses as a way to guide your thoughts about starting new family traditions because it’s such a wide-open guideline! ‘Hearing’ is no different! Whether it’s a question (like “what are you thankful for?” during Thanksgiving dinner) or certain music (Christmas, anyone?), incorporating it into your family traditions can lead to even stronger memories.

Example: My kids aren’t natural ‘talkers’, so to help draw them out, I’d like to start with questions. We could either do the standard, “What was the best and worst part of your week?” or we could use our box of dinner questions. Maybe I’ll eventually get around to making a playlist of some upbeat oldies I know they won’t hear anywhere else.

Minute 14:01-15:00: Bring it all together

Take a (literal) minute to review everything you wrote down, and bring it all together. Pick one or two things to start with, and then build it up from there! Star those, and then you can even write dates (like 1 month from now, next year, whatever works for you) so that you know you’ll be back for it. 

Example: I’m coming up with a Fun Friday for my kids to highlight the transition home from school for the weekend. We’ll have a simple snack of cheese and crackers, with a special treat (like bagged candy), and everyone will get a big bear hug when they come home. Everyone can share their highlights and low points from the week.

Once I get that going strong, I’ll get a candle and light it just on Fridays (like in the kitchen, not like I’m trying to set a mood or something). I’ll also keep my eyes open for a snack plate/candy bowl. And maybe make a fun playlist when I have some downtime! 

The Importance of Family Traditions

Family traditions are one of the best tools you have to create that indescribable sense of family.

Traditions give a kid a sense of time within the year, and keep them looking forward to the small things. They also build a sense of place for them within the family, and help them feel like they are rooted and belong. And as a bonus- they keep that childhood energy alive for you, too!

In short, “The traditions we create today will be the memories our children cherish in the future.”

What family traditions do you have? Are there any you’re excited to start? Leave your comments below!

How To Teach Impulse Control To Children

How To Start Teaching Impulse Control In Children

(Note: This is Part 2 in a series on impulse control in children. Click on the link for Part 1, Impulse Control Activities: Teaching The Basics, or Part 3, Impulse Control Activities for Teens)

How many times do you find yourself saying “Whhhhy did you do that?!”

If it’s too many to count, you’re probably struggling with poor impulse control in children at your house.

And to top it off, is your kid’s response your questioning “Why,” just a shoulder shrug and “I dunno.” Or, “I just wanted to”?!

It’s frustrating on a good day, and it’s downright infuriating on the others! It’s like a brick wall that blocks all further conversation, and stops your from taking any steps forward.

But even if you can’t move forward, you still have options. You can take a step back.

If your son or daughter doesn’t recognize the cause of their action, we need to address that before we’re able to move on to the action itself. I really like the analogy of teaching impulse control in children to teaching potty-training. Because A) it’s something we’ve all done with our kids, B) it’s massively based on child development, and C) even though it can be hard to teach -and learn- the payoffs are enormous.

The First Steps of Impulse Control

The steps from ‘going’ in a diaper to using a potty need to include recognizing the urge, understanding what it means, and then choosing to do something about it. In impulse control, a kid needs to recognize the feeling of wanting to do a behavior, understand that behavior is not appropriate, and then choose to not do it. There can be different feelings behind impulsive behavior for kids; anger, anxiety, or even joy. Cognitive differences, such as ADHD, autism or developmental delays also contribute to poor impulse control in children. Kid’s developmental stage has a huge impact on impulsive behavior. Strong emotions have the ability to block out rational thought, so we need to control our emotions before we’re able to control our thoughts and actions.

So the first step is recognizing the feeling.

Steps For Better Impulse Control In Children

Maybe I should clarify, and say that the first step is really for kids to recognize the feeling AND label it. It does us no good if you’re calling something yellow, and I’m calling it green. We’ll be mixed up and confused before we can even talk about what to DO with the emotions. We need to be on the same page, and that starts with the language we use. In light of that, here are some first steps to addressing impulse control in children.

1. Sensations in the Body are the first clue

This is huge. Kids often experience feelings in their bodies before they understand their emotions. Things like upset stomachs, a dizzy head, and clenched fists are all great clues for how a kid is feeling. You might even call anger the ‘tight fist feeling’ (if that’s the actual physical response your kid has- otherwise fill in the blank) before it starts to really click in your kid’s head that the emotion they’re having is anger.

2. Use the kid’s own language

If your son or daughter says, “I feel worried” or “my stomach gets sick about getting an answer wrong at school” that’s a goldmine! Use THEIR words! When you parrot it back, just say, “I’m so sorry to hear your stomach gets sick, let’s talk about that.” You don’t have to try and translate it to “you sound like you’re anxious.” They’ll feel more understood, and accepted for who they are, if you’re taking the effort to listen to exactly what they’re saying. Which, will make them more likely to talk about it with you in the future!

3. Use Lots of Books

So your kid’s not a talker? That doesn’t mean they get to shut down the whole conversation. Don’t underestimate the power of a good book, especially for topics like impulse control in children. They can be a great tool for starting conversations, normalizing feelings, and giving kids the language to talk about what’s going on with them! Some books to check out (These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon associate I earn from qualifying purchases):

Baxter Turns Down His Buzz: A Story for Little Kids about ADHD

Listening To My Body

What Were You Thinking?: Learning To Control Your Impulses

My Mouth Is A Volcano!

4. Tell A short story about a friend

If you can’t find a book about a specific topic, or don’t feel like running out to the library, you can always tell a short story. Keep it short and simple, and close to your kid’s situation without being an exact duplicate. *Hint hint* The story doesn’t actually have to be about a friend. It could be your younger self, or it could be a made-up person. Or if you’re not comfortable with your story-telling skills, you could flip the script and ask your kid to tell you a story (about someone in their position) instead.

5. Talk About Feelings In Everyday Life

Tell your kid(s) how you’re feeling -while still maintaining boundaries, please- to help normalize that humans feel all kinds of emotions. There’s no wrong emotion- it’s just about what you do with it. (I.e.: Your kid is allowed to feel mad, but they’re not allowed to hit.) I like to also drive the point home with reinforcing the physical aspects of emotions. So I might tell kids, “when I get nervous or scared, my chest feels tight, like there’s an elephant sitting on it.” When I can use descriptive language like that, I’m much more likely to get them to chime in with something like, “Oh yeah!! I felt like that when I couldn’t see my mom at school pick-up!”

Start Talking About Impulse Control In Children

We can help improve impulse control in children by giving them the language to talk about it. How are you currently talking about feelings, in general, with your kid? Are you helping them make the connections? Did you think of a specific word or phrase they use, especially about impulsive behaviors?

The free printable (that you can grab right above!) has some prompts and spaces where you can write down these answers for a quick reference.

Which of these steps do you think your kid, in particular, would relate to best? Let me know in the comments below!

GET MORE HELP!

A new course, Easier Impulse Control, designed specifically to help stressed-out parents with kids who have impulsive behaviors is here!

  • Learn the trick to finding the strengths in your kid’s behaviors
  • Find a way to focus and fight the overwhelm
  • Discover the secret of parents who stay ‘on top of it’ and positive

Sign up below to learn more! (And to snag a special offer!)







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How Much Quality Time Do Kids Need?

How Much Quality Time Do Kids Really Need?

Quality Time Can Come With A Lot Of Stress

There is immense pressure on us as parents to spend as much time as possible with our kids. AND to have that time filled with amazing activities and quality time.

The incredible thing is- we’re spending twice the amount of time with our kids than the parents of 1975. And it’s driving a lot of parents to the breaking point. Working parents feel stressed and guilty for not having as much time with their kids, and stay at home parents are exhausted by the endless attempt to engage with kids all day. No one is winning.

But how much quality time do we need to actually be spending with our kids per day? What if I told you that you could hack the quality time system to make it enjoyable for everyone? You can- just by zeroing in on what your kid needs, so you can drop all the extras, and ditch the stress. Wouldn’t that be the dream?! Happy kids AND happy parents!

Personally, the goal for me is to see quality time as something I want and get to do with my kid. If it’s something I’m measuring, or counting, or worrying about, I’ve missed the point.

Research on Quality Time Shows the Unexpected

This study from the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that the sheer amount of time we’re spending with our 3-11 year olds IS NOT making a difference in their outcomes. The researchers measured time moms spend with their kids- both time that moms are accessible to their kids, and times that they are engaged with them. They found no link between the amount of time (accessible OR engaged)  spent with kids and their behavioral health, emotional health, or academic performance.

Despite this research, I DO BELIEVE that quality time with our kids matters. My takeaway from all the research is that:

  • Quality is better than quantity.
  • It takes less quality time than we think to make a difference in our kids’ lives.
  • Time with dad, or both parents, is important, too.

So How Much Quality Time Do Kids Actually Need With Their Parents?

I know this is going to sound low to you, so prepare yourself. My recommendation is 30 minutes. And to do it in a low-pressure, stress-free way. It may not seem like much, especially if you’ve been pressuring yourself to put in hours a day. But releasing yourself from that stress will make this time more enjoyable, and even more beneficial to your kiddo! Here are some useful ideas to help you successfully incorporate quality time with your kid into your life.

1. Break the 30 minutes of quality time up into chunks

One way to do it would be to have 10 minutes in the morning, before work/daycare/school, 10 minutes after school/work, and 10 minutes at/after dinner.

2. Regular, daily family-life counts as quality time

IF you’re engaging with your kid, on their level, grocery shopping, family dinner, even folding the laundry can count! Quality time can absolutely be found in mundane moments of life.

3. Build Up To It

It can be hard to start any new routine, so if 30 minutes sounds like an immense amount of time that will put you over the edge, go ahead and start with 5 minutes!  Just make the minutes count!

4. You Can Give More Than 1 Kid Quality Time at Once!

If you’re engaging with everyone, it all counts. Family game night with all 4 kids? Congrats, you rockstar, you’ve just provided ALL the kids quality time at once! In the playroom with two kiddos, simultaneously playing princess tea party and trucks?! You are knocking this out of the park! Kids are watching Netflix, while you’re in the same room, but on your phone? NOT quality time. But hey, we all need some downtime, too.

Where Is This Pressure for More Quality Time Coming From, Anyway?

The truth is, we came by this stress honestly. It’s the bath-water we’ve been swimming in, and most of us don’t know any differently. But there are a few different factors that got us here. And if we know the causes of our stress and overwhelm, we can fight it more effectively.

1. Moms are viewing their children’s success differently.

In a survey asking Millennial moms what success would look like for their child, 71% responded with answers other than professional and/or academic success. “Strong, lasting, personal relationships” and “a healthy lifestyle” accounted for 23% of the responses, each. [Rounding out the answers for the 71% of moms who will measure their children’s success by something other than work or school are, “Lasting, meaningful service to others” (7%), “Artistic or creative achievement” (6%) and “A strong spiritual/religious life” (12%).]

More millennial moms are focusing on the long-term relationships and health of their kids. And it would seem logical that quality time should improve the chances that our kids have strong relationships and healthy lifestyles. So it’s an easy transition from that to the idea that “my kid’s healthy development- and later success in life- depends in large part on how much time they spend with me [their mom] and that I am unique and irreplaceable.” (Fun fact- in family research, this is called intensive mothering. I think the name says it all.) It might sound like a blessing and joy at first, but for many it can quickly end up feeling like a burden.

2. Quality time as a status symbol.

Don’t believe me? When I started research for this article, one of the first things I ran across was a CALCULATOR for measuring how much time you spend with your kids. Do you want to know the kicker? YOU COULD THEN LITERALLY COMPARE HOW YOU STACKED UP TO OTHER PARENTS!! People- we are better than that!!! Aren’t we?! When we are in contest with other parents, that’s a pretty clear indication to me that quality time is being used a measure of status. (Sorry for the rant- I’ll regain my composure soon!)

Still don’t believe me? Try this thought experiment. Think of a mom who has the ability to spend hours with her children, creating Pinterest worthy crafts, and going on Facebook perfect vacations. What does she look like in your mind? Does she look like a fairly privileged person to you?

3. The relationships with our kids may be the most enduring of our lives.

The systemic fragility and decline of marriage, and the changing landscape of romantic relationships, now means that our relationships with our kids is quite possibly going to be more long lasting than the relationships with have with our spouses/partners. The focal relationship used to be between spouses, but now it’s often moms hyper-focusing on their kids.

4. It’s literally being marketed to us!

Think of all the Disneyland commercials, and the ads for family getaways to a-city-near-you. Think of the car commercials with the children smiling and behaving in the backseat while the family goes somewhere for some wonderful quality time together. We are constantly being told that we NEED to have quality, one-on-one time with our kids.

I’m exhausted and overwhelmed just writing that. No wonder levels of parental stress seem like they’re at an all time high! But that’s exactly what we want to avoid. Because research has shown that kids have fewer negative behaviors at school, if dads enjoy parenting more.  And kids have better general outcomes when moms have lower stress levels.

In Conclusion 

There is so much pressure on parents to “perform.” But really, it would be so much better for us (and our kids) if we all just relaxed. The research shows that we’re putting in more than enough quality time. If we just focus on trying to enjoy our kids more, the rest will follow, I promise.

If you’re ready to reduce your parenting stress, sign-up for my newsletter, where you’ll get helpful, actionable parenting tips every other week.

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About Alexandria

Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!

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