34 Printable Journal Writing Prompts for Kids

Journal Writing Prompts for Kids

Personally, I love journal writing. I’m a sucker for a pretty, new journal with fresh pages full of possibility. And in my busy days, taking the time to write feels like a luxury. But mostly I love how things I didn’t even know about myself always seem to come rolling off the tip of my pen.

I want to give that gift to my kids, too. Self-reflection is a tool that will serve them for the rest of life! And it’s a key step to improved mental health!

But I’ve tried giving them blank paper, with vague instructions like, “Just write about your day, or whatever you want!” The writer’s block sets in almost immediately.

Making Journaling Fun

Kids thrive on structure. We all know this. So when I step back to think about it, I was setting them up for failure with such open-ended instructions! They needed guidance; parameters.

This is where journal writing prompts for kids come in. With a little structure, kids feel safe and can really open up their imagination and have some fun with this!

34 Free Printable Journal Writing Prompts for Kids:

How To Use The Printable Journal Writing Prompts For Kids

It’s pretty straight forward. You just print them out! I’ve given you two options. The first download is pretty and lovely, but the second is meant if you would like to cut the prompts into strips and glue them down into a composition journal. Or you could just use the first printable and tuck it in the front of the journal.

You can use these writing prompts to encourage kids to journal by themselves daily, or weekly. I think the weekly set-up is nice; it still fits into a routine, and is relatively frequent, but not so often that your kid feels like they’re getting bashed over the head with it. If your kid has never had a diary or journal before, I would highly recommend a weekly practice.

Using The Writing Prompts for A Parent-Child Journal

You could choose to do a parent-child journal with them. These writing prompts were designed to work beautifully in mommy & me type journals! As the parent, you can choose if you’d like to answer the prompt about yourself, or if you’d like to steer it back towards your kiddo.

Prompts like, “What are the 3 best things about you” lend themselves nicely to writing about your kid. While other writing prompts, such as, “If you had 1 superpower, what would it be?” are a nice opportunity for your child to get to know you better.

Make sure to grab a copy of these journal prompts for your kid! 

If you want to start journaling with your kid, but just handing them some journal writing prompts seems a little too free-wheeling, you may want to read this for a little more guidance!

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2 Simple Steps to Be A Better Mom

Being A Better Mom Can Be Simple!

Have you ever felt like you just don’t know what you’re doing as a parent? Like you’re just surviving-minute to minute?

Did you then go down a rabbit-hole trying to find answers? Checking out a bunch of books from the library, and listening to podcasts, and reading as many parenting articles you can handle?

You’re not alone.

First, I have so much respect for your dedication to your kids, and your quest to answer the question, “How can I be the best parent?”

Second, I have really good news for you. There’s no secret, complicated formula for being a better mom! There are really only 2 steps you need to take. And it’s even backed-up by science! It only takes being attentive and having healthy expectations of your kids. Essentially, Authoritative parenting is all you need. Everything else is just gravy!

What Does Authoritative Parenting Have To Do With Being A Better Mom?

To boil it down to the quickest definition, Authoritative parenting is when the parent has a balance of high levels of demandingness (i.e. healthy expectations) for their kid, AND a high level of responsiveness (attentive).

Are There Other Types of Parenting?

Of course! There are 3 other basic types (as proposed by family scientist Diana Baumrind). They are Authoritarian, Permissive and Neglectful. You can read more about them here in this article about the different parenting styles. But the chart below helps explain the different parenting styles based on the amounts of demandingness and responsiveness, too.

All of the major parenting styles (like positive parenting, gentle parenting, attachment parenting- you get the picture) rely on you becoming an Authoritative parent. So, by just focusing on the basics, you can skip the confusion, become an awesome mom, and actually parent according to your own gut-instincts and personality!

Authoritative Parenting Is How You Can Be A Better Mom

Of the 4 different parenting types, hands-down, Authoritative parenting has been shown to be the best parenting style for our kids. But don’t believe me; believe the research!

Kids who are raised with Authoritative parents have much better outcomes in life. They are more resilient, do better in school, are more socially at ease, have higher self-esteem, and they even tend to have fewer cavities!

“Adolescents who describe their parents as treating them warmly, democratically, and firmly are more likely than their peers to develop positive attitudes toward, and beliefs about, their achievement, and as a consequence, they are more likely to do better at school.” From Child Development.

Will This Work For Me?

It’s completely fair to ask, “But will this work to help me be a better mom to my son?” (Or my teen, or my toddler, or my daughter, or my challenging kid?)

Fortunately, the answer is yes. These 2 steps will help you with every kind of kid, of every age. Because this relies on your understanding of your own son or daughter. And who knows them better than you?!

As you go through the process and figure out how to become more attentive and implement expectations, think about it in developmentally appropriate ways. A toddler and a teenager need to be treated differently! You can also tailor this to different kids’ needs. Maybe one of your kids appreciates your one-on-one time, but another just needs a good hug. You can use their Love Languages to your advantage here!

How to Become a More Engaged Parent in 2 Steps

OK, you’re sold. You need to become a more Authoritative parent. After all, it is the simplest framework I’ve seen for being the best parent. My best advice is to observe yourself and your actual current style. It’d be awesome if you could observe yourself on a good day and a bad day, too. Because that’s when the truth really comes out.

Observing yourself can be hard, so I’ve included a quick parenting worksheet for you to fill out as you go. Once you know your own tendencies, you’ll know what you need to work on.

Step 1- Be More Responsive

(I want to give a quick note before we dive into the list. You don’t have to be physically present to be responsive. If you’re a parent who lives apart from your kid or travels a lot, you can anticipate events in their lives. Maybe you know a big test or event is coming up for them. You can send a note saying good luck, you can call when they get out of school, or you can send them a short video just to say you’re thinking of them. Please don’t believe that you can’t be responsive to your kid’s needs and emotions just because you’re not physically there with them.)

Here are some examples of ways to be attentive and responsive to your kid:

• Listen attentively

• Spend time connecting

• Respond with empathy

•  Have fun with them or just be silly

Authoritative Parenting Requires Balance

As with anything in life, I would recommend balance. Make sure to let your kid explore on their own, and have independence as well. Your job is to be that safe ‘home base.’ A question you can ask yourself is, “How can I make sure my kid feels heard today.”

Feeling heard is not synonymous with getting everything they want, though. For example, if your kids ask for ice cream after dinner, and that’s just not in the cards, you can let them feel heard by saying something like, “Man, that would be nice! I wish we could have dessert every night, too!” (Or whatever feels natural to you) But then cap it off by re-stating the healthy expectation that your family doesn’t have dessert every night, it’s just for Fridays/weekends/parties/when you eat all your vegetables/etc. Which is a nice segue to…

Step 2- How to Be More Demanding

The word ‘demanding’ can sound pretty harsh. And while it’s one of the two traits measured with the Baumrind Styles of Parenting, it’s not typically a word you’d associate with the quest to be a better mother.

But- if you rephrase ‘demanding’ with  ‘healthy expectations’ it helps us really get to the point of this parenting characteristic. It’s as simple as being clear about your expectations.

For example, you can have expectations about things like:

• Chores

•  Grades (or better yet, effort at school)

•  General helpfulness/attitude around the house

•  Earning privileges

•  Allowance

•  Family rules and consequences

•  Food/healthy habits

Expectations may show up in your home as established family rules, or even as part of your family values or family culture. Being a better mom to a teen may be as simple as stating, “In this house, we help each other because we love each other.”

Consistency is Key

If expectations are a car, being consistent is the engine. These expectations will just sit around, unable to do anything or go anywhere without your consistent attitude about them. Eventually, they’ll sit around rusting out, and going completely unused, and then you’re back where you started.

Being consistent may look like giving kind but firm reminders of rules. Or just re-stating your expectation that they try their best at school. It may look like a consequence for failing to follow-through (ie: you didn’t complete your chores, so you don’t get screen-time).

So set yourself up for success when you set your expectations. Be consistent with your core family values and reinforcing your expectations won’t feel like a burden. And try not to put too many expectations in place at once; let it grow slowly with your kid’s abilities.

After all, that’s the way it naturally happens; you would absolutely have more expectations from a teenager than from a baby. So if you’re starting this process with slightly older kids, give it time for each expectation to sink in and become habit.

Being A Better Mom Will Require Self-Care

It’s important to remember that having a day, or a moment when you slip into a different style doesn’t undo all your hard work.

Absolutely, we all have days when we’re burned out and exhausted, and hope that -somehow- if we just ignore the problem, it’ll go away.

We all have days when it’s “my way or the highway.” And I promise, there will be days when the temptation to bribe our way to good behavior is strong.

But we need to recognize that when we slip into these other behaviors, it’s usually because our own reserves and strength and good-reason have run low. It doesn’t mean we’re bad parents- or bad people. If you really want to learn how to be a better mom, it’s going to mean that you need to fill your own cup before you can pour out into anyone else.

[bctt tweet=”If you really want to learn how to be a better mom, it’s going to mean that you need to fill your own cup, before you can pour out into anyone else.”]

Action Steps

We’ve established that the Authoritative parenting style is the simplest path to becoming the best parent you can be. (Oh boy, that sounds hokey. Not any less true, though!)  My hope is that you as you finish reading this, you’re feeling like this is all completely do-able. I want you to be able to parent in a way that you’re being true to yourself, and still providing what your kid needs in a way that feels natural to you!

But if you feel like there are a few things you could tune-up, here are some steps you can take.

1. Do the worksheet.

This will help you lay out your plan. It’s always easier to follow-through if you actually have a plan!

2. Find one time of day you can incorporate more responsiveness or demandingness (as needed).

Make a note to yourself about how it went, and if/what you might want to change next time to improve your consistency.

It’s so important to remember that this isn’t all or nothing. Of course, we are all going to have good days and bad days. There will be times when you slip up and slide back into your more ‘natural’ parenting style. We’re just aiming for a balance of more good days than bad.

3. Schedule 10 minutes of self-care (at least!) per day.

An important thing to keep in mind is that the Authoritative style is the most demanding on us as parents. So if you find yourself having more bad days than good, it’s a clear indicator that you are in need of some serious self-care. Please, remember to take a break, and fuel and re-energize yourself so you can come back to your kids refreshed. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Just meaningful.

The Wrap-Up

If you really want to be the best parent, you need to honestly assess yourself first. Because in order to grow you need to identify your own strengths, and areas to improve. From there, you can figure out what steps you can take to move over to the Authoritative style.

If your goal is really to be an engaged mom, then you’ll need to increase your responsiveness/attentiveness. If you’re already a pretty engaged parent and need to round things out, then you can focus on the healthy expectations you have for your kid.

Download the parenting worksheet from the resource library and let me know- are you naturally stronger in having expectations, or being responsive? Improve your accountability and share what your specific plan is to be a better mom!

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Parenting 101: The 4 Types of Parenting Styles

Getting It Right

One of my favorite sayings about parenthood is, “There’s no one way to do it right. But there are definitely some ways to get it wrong.”

We all love our kids, and want to do what’s best for them. But to be honest? Parenting is so much harder than it looked before we actually had kids.

Hence the constant searching for better, easier ways. Looking for parenting hacks, and tricks and tips.

So, I have a good news-bad news situation for you.

First the good news. Parenting hacks are awesome! They’re completely awesome for little things like figuring out how to keep shampoo out of kid’s eyes when I’m washing their hair. (Dry handtowel over the face. Feel free to try it.)

The bad news? There’s no hacking your way to being a better parent.

But don’t despair! There’s more good news! The steps are straightforward. We just have to clear out some mental space, and get back to basics.

The best way to do that is to learn from those who have gone before us. People have been parenting for as long as we’ve existed. It’s kind of why we still exist as a species. So we have the amazing advantage of learning from millennia of parents!

But since we don’t have a ton in common with our cave people ancestors, or even most of the ancient empires, I’d prefer to bring things a little closer to home. With family research done in the past few decades!

Family Research on Parenting

Family research has shown us time and again that there is a way to optimize our parenting to help our kids achieve their full potential.

Full potential.

I love that. I’m pretty sure that’s the best we can do for our kids. Period.

The 4 Types of Parenting Styles

There are 4 different parenting styles that are supported by family research (full credit- these were originally created by Diana Baumrind). They are Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful.

They’re defined by the two characteristics of demandingness and responsiveness.

Demandingness

Demandingness is having healthy expectations of your kids. If you have high demandingness, your family probably has an established set of rules, chores, and general expectations for your kids. Your kids may feel that a lot is being asked of them.

If you have low demandingness in your house, your kids may not have a lot of responsibilities, or there’s an attitude of “whatever they can do will be fine.” It may be coupled with a sense of “I don’t care what they do. I can’t change it anyway.”

Responsiveness

Responsiveness is essentially whether or not you are emotionally available and present for your kid. If you’re a parent who frequently says things like, “I see that you’re frustrated. Let’s problem solve this,” chances are you’re pretty darn responsive.

Or you may pay attention to non-verbal cues, and be able to tell their needs, like hunger, sleep, or just the need for a break, by their actions. Those examples would both be of parents with very high levels of responsiveness.

Low responsiveness may sound like, “Well what do you want me to do about it?” (In a sort of snarky tone.) Or just not noticing when your kid comes home and is looking kinda forlorn; or noticing and doing nothing about it. It could also look like staring at your phone or computer, and not engaging with you kiddo, even if they’re in the same room.

The 4 types of parenting styles are just the different combinations of low and high demandingness and low and high responsiveness.

So, let’s dive into the different parenting styles in a little more detail.

What is the Authoritative parenting style?

Description: Authoritative parenting is defined as having high demandingness and high responsiveness. In this style, you have healthy expectations of your kid, which are balanced by your responsiveness to their needs. For example, you could have the expectation that they do the dishes after dinner. But you know they’re under the weather tonight, so you give them a pass.

Pros: Authoritative parenting is pretty much the gold standard of parenting. Hands down, kids have the best outcomes with this type of parenting. That means that in the long-run, kids who were raised with Authoritative parents are:

• Happier

• Have less mental health problems

• Perform better in school

• Are more independent

• Have overall good self-esteem

Cons: There really aren’t any. Unless, maybe, you consider that this isn’t your natural parenting style and it’s something you have to put energy into daily?

But that doesn’t really seem like a con to me- it just sounds like parenting. Parenting is hard, but it’s important. Why not do it well?

What is the Authoritarian parenting style?

Description:

This style of parenting has very high demandingness, with very low responsiveness. It’s a dictator-like style of parenting. Kids have to do what you say, and you don’t care how it makes them feel.

Pros:

You’re going to find a theme that there aren’t a lot of positives from parenting styles that aren’t Authoritative.

I could dive into a whole point/counterpoint thing about obedience being an outcome of Authoritarian parenting. And it can be. But my personal stance is that it can also be a result of Authoritative parenting, with the benefit of other positives. Yes, kids need to learn obedience to get through life. But there are better ways to accomplish this.

Cons:

Kids of Authoritarian parents don’t live in a nurturing world. Having high demands isn’t an intrinsically bad thing. After all, Authoritative parents also have high demandingness. The problem is that there’s no aspect of responsiveness, or warmth, to balance it. Kids with Authoritarian parents may have lower self-esteem, more mental health problems, challenges making connections with others, and do more poorly in school. (FYI- the comparison is always to kids who have Authoritative parents.)

What is the Permissive parenting style

Description:

Parents who have low demandingness and high responsiveness fall into this Permissive style. There are a million examples of this, but one of the best I can think of is from Harry Potter. I’m specifically thinking about the Dursley’s.

If you’re not familiar with the series, there’s an aunt and uncle who place absolutely no demands on their son, Dudley, and indulge his every whim. As you may expect, Dudley is a bully and the epitome of a spoiled brat.

This example is pretty extreme, and they would be pretty far out on the spectrum of parenting styles. But I figured it was best to stick with a fictional example.

Pros:

Sometimes, at least in western cultures, this can seem like the easy route to take. It’s the path of least resistance. Maybe our kids are whining in the store, so we cave and get whatever they were whining about. (No judgement- we’ve all been there. But it’s a bad habit to get into). When we do things like this, we’re not placing demands on them, like good behavior, but we are highly responsive to their wants (because we’re giving them whatever they’re whining about). It’s not a winning recipe.

So the pro is that it makes life easier for you as the parent. It’s not a pro for the kid. Weird pro. I was stretching for that one.

Cons:

The consequences for parenting with a permissive style is having kids who are entitled, who may have poor self-control, who are less independent, and who lack tenacity and resiliency. They haven’t been raised to be able to problem-solve on their own, and may continue running back to you to ‘fix things.’

Permissive parenting is such a sneaky style, because it lures us in. We can think that we’re doing the right thing because we’re responding to our kids needs. They’re happy, after all.

And even low demandingness can sneak up on us, appearing as an attitude of “It’s fine- it’s faster if I just do it myself.” We all know that we could do the tasks we give our kids better and faster. But that’s not the point.

The point is to place those demands on our kids to teach them critical life-skills. And while they’re learning and growing they get a chance to develop their self-esteem!

What is the Neglectful parenting style

Description:

Neglectful parenting is pretty straight-forward. Low demandingness and low responsiveness.

It’s pretty easy to think of examples of the extreme of this style.

So I’d challenge you to think about what it’s like more toward the center of the continuum.

What if we re-framed this as “Uninvolved” instead of “Neglectful”?

Neglectful parenting can come around in some benign ways. Maybe you’re crazy busy with work or other things during this season of your life, and you just don’t have time to spend with your kid. It’s possible that you don’t even share the same house as your kid. Or you could be fighting your own battle with mental health. For whatever reason, you are just unable to show up for your kid.

And because your time of being with your kid- physically or mentally- is limited, it’s easy not to engage. They may have their physical needs provided for, but you don’t have time to either respond to their needs or check that your expectations are being met. Everyone is just coasting. But not in a good way.

Pros:

I don’t think I can write a single positive about this one.

Cons:

Abundant. This is hands down the parenting style that produces the most negative outcomes for kids. These kids have the worst school and mental-health outcomes. Essentially, they feel unloved and unsupported, and will act out accordingly.

Examples of the 4 Types of Parenting Styles

Examples are always a nice way to really see a concept in action. So let’s explore how a parent from each of the 4 types of parenting styles might respond to a typical challenge.

Please, know there is no judgement here. We can’t run a race until we find the starting line. If you see yourself in any of these examples, just know that’s where your starting line is!

Let’s pretend that you’re getting ready to make dinner. You’ve just told your kids you need 20 minutes to put everything together, so you need them to play nicely together without you until you call them for dinner.

No less than 5 minutes later- while your hands are covered in chicken (of course!)- they start screaming. The older one is bossing the younger one, and the younger one is literally just shrieking. You think you hear that they’re fighting over a toy. Again. (I should also establish in this scenario that they are actually old enough that the expectation they play together for 20 minutes without your intervention is developmentally appropriate.)

Neglectful parent:

You feel completely irked that you’re trying to make dinner –for them– and they can’t even follow one simple request. You turn up your music or podcast louder, and figure they’ll just work it out between themselves. You are not getting involved in this one.

There was no follow-through on the demand that they get along, so that was low demandingness. And obviously the choice to turn up the speakers was a choice to not be responsive to their needs.

Permissive:

You sigh. It was nice hoping that they could entertain themselves, but you didn’t really think it work out. You wash your hands off right away, and go up and separate the kids. You listen to each kid attentively, give each one a hug, and ask if they would like to come over and watch tv instead while you get dinner ready. You’re pretty sure they’ll like that better, and it’ll still buy you time to make dinner.

You were responsive to their needs, but also lacked any follow-through on the request to get along for 20 minutes, so there was a low level of demandingness.

Authoritarian:

You walk over to your kids, yell at them for not being able to play together even for just a few minutes. You grab the toy, and take it with you, saying, “If you can’t share it, no one gets it.”

In this example, note that there was not a moment when you tried to understand the scenario and what was going on (low responsiveness). You were focused on the rule-breaking (high demandingness).

Authoritative:

You listen carefully for 2 more minutes. You know in the past they’ve worked things out before. It becomes apparent to you that the situation is escalating, and they are not going to do that this time.

You wash your hands off and go to your kids, calmly. You ask for each kid’s perspective, and essentially find out this is a sharing problem. The younger one grabbed the toy, the older one grabbed it back, and is now refusing to share (and is giving a diatribe about why s/he shouldn’t have to). You help them calm down and ask each of them how they could’ve handled the situation better. You give them the chance to apologize to each other, and then calmly- but firmly- enforce the consequence for screaming at their siblings/not sharing. You then return to making dinner.

Which parenting style is the most effective?

Hopefully, by now it’s obvious that the answer is, emphatically, Authoritative.

Kids with Authoritative parents have the best outcomes. There is a balance between having expectations placed on them, so they have the opportunity to grow and develop self-worth. And the knowledge that home is a safe place to land. A kid with these sort of advantages couldn’t help but grow to their full potential!

But it can also be the most challenging of the 4 types of parenting styles for the parent to master. In the examples, you may have noticed that there was no easy way out for the Authoritative parent. The other parents went to their kids (or not) and dealt with the problem quickly. In order to maintain the Authoritative parenting style, that mom will need some exceptional self-care skills.

The Wrap-Up

So now you know the basic parenting styles, and that there are really only two factors you need to measure your parenting with. Responsiveness and demandingness. It’s really as basic as that!

So take another look at the examples, and see if you can figure out which areas you might need to work on.

Let me know in the comments which of the 4 types of parenting styles you naturally gravitate towards! What steps do you take to move towards being a more Authoritative parent?

And make sure to sign-up for our weekly(ish) newsletter so you can be on the lookout for our upcoming articles about self-care, and raising your levels of demandingness and/or responsiveness.

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My Problem With Positive Parenting

I have a confession. In high school, I was not a cool kid.

Maybe you can relate?

I did NOT wear the ‘right’ kind of clothes, or have the right ‘look’. I didn’t wear brand names, I didn’t look like I effortlessly rolled out a catalog. (Not that clothes were going to help me! I played trombone and was in drama- not exactly a recipe for a cool kid. In retrospect, I wouldn’t change it. But, I digress.)

There was always this little voice in the back of my head, “If you just had a shirt from that store in the mall that doesn’t even carry your size, you’d look better.” “Why don’t you wake up a half hour early to do your hair? People would like you more!” And so on.

This voice made me feel like if I could look like everyone else, that would be my armor. I would have more friends. It would make me a better person. And maybe I would like myself more.

I know I wasn’t the only one.

The Branding of Parenting Advice Is Doing the Same Thing to Us

Now that we’re all grown up, there is a different type of peer pressure.

We’ve only traded one thing for another. Raising our kids was already a monumental task- but now there’s the peer pressure to look good doing it!

It’s human nature to look around and compare yourself to the people around you. For better or worse.

And a lot of what we see when we look around right now looks like parents who are caving to their kids. Moms are suddenly reluctant to say “no!” and have jumped on the Positive Parenting band-wagon.

So, naturally, because there’s always that little piece of the high schooler lingering in all of us, we start wondering if that’s what we should be doing, too! Nevermind that it’s completely opposite our personality. How quickly we forget that fit is everything.

What Does “Positive Parenting” Mean?

Just so we’re clear on what I’m talking about, Positive Parenting is a set of beliefs and tools about how to parent your kid. Instead of just choosing your own, it’s kind of like a gift set.

The focus is on developing a strong relationship between the parent and child, fostered by communication and mutual respect. The goal is to ultimately train kids to have self-discipline, through teaching them the ‘why’ (and not just “because I said so”).

3 of the main tenets of Positive Parenting are that 1. Rules and consequences are laid out, discussed often, and followed through. 2. Parents focus on helping children internalize discipline, rather than obey orders based on fear of punishment, in order to develop self-discipline. And 3. Parents use active listening to understand children’s thoughts. This allows parents to correct misunderstandings or mistaken links of logic. (This is all essentially quoted from this reference.)

So What Is My Problem With Positive Parenting?

Honestly, everything I just described is a good thing! So you might think I’m crazy to have any problem at all with it.

But accurately utilizing Positive Parenting is challenging. These tenets and goals are really really hard tasks to accomplish, and take a lot of training for the parent to get it right.

You need to question if you’re willing to train properly for this, otherwise you’ll be practicing some sort of off-brand of positive parenting, which is likely to do more harm than good.

And there’s also the question of whether or not these tenets actually align with our values. I’ll be straight with you. There’s a certain level of “it’s my way or the highway” in my house. I need my kids to practice obedience quickly and without a discussion. It’s not for everything, but it’s an example of a value that would bump up against the values that Positive Parenting assumes you have.

You know what happens when you put on jeans that are all wrong for your body type? Everything hangs out in the wrong place, and you end up doing that weird wiggly dance to make them sit right?

When you choose a parenting brand to follow because it pops up on your Pinterest feed, and everyone else is doing it- NOT because it aligns with your personality, goals and values- you’re doing the same thing.

The Dangers of Positive Parenting

It’s not just Positive Parenting. It’s all the different ‘brands’’ and labels for parenting that I have a problem with.

There’s not anything inherently wrong with them, but from my perspective, as a family therapist and a mom, I’m concerned they do more harm than good.

There are a lot of ‘should’s’ and pressures that parents put on themselves to become the ‘ideal’ parent.

And that’s even before we’re surrounded by a lot of well-meaning people who are saying, “Hey, this brand of parenting worked for me- everyone else should do it too!”

I’m concerned when I see articles like “What to do when positive parenting is just too draining” start popping up all over the place.

It breaks my heart to think of all these moms who are trying their best and BELIEVING that they’ve failed!

The Shaming

Although it is unintentional, these brands have contributed to the shaming of parents, and made them feel less-than. This can happen either because you’ve tried X Brand of parenting, and it didn’t work for you. Or you spent so much time trying to make yourself (a square peg) fit in the round hole that it made you feel like you’ve failed as a parent.

Or maybe you haven’t ‘officially’ tried any of these styles. But you’ve quietly asked yourself, “If I’m not doing Attachment Parenting, does that mean I’m not attached to your child?”

If you’re not a positive parent, are you automatically considered to be a negative parent? If you’re not doing all these things, does it mean you’re harsh, or disconnected, or unresponsive?

NO! There is danger in those labels.

THESE ARE YOUR PARENTING TOOLS

Attachment parenting, peaceful parenting, positive parenting, gentle, mindful, connected, etc. parenting. These are all just different sets of tools that you can use. They are not something to build your worth as a parent around. They don’t have to define you.

If you were going to build a deck, you’d need a different set of tools than if you’re going to fix a car. Each kid is a different ‘project’ and is going to require slightly different tools.

You, as the builder, will also have certain preferences for tools; maybe you prefer metal tools, or a plastic grip-y handle, or even a pink handle! Each parent is the same; you have individual preferences which need to be reflected in the tools you choose.

DO THE DIFFERENT BRANDS OF PARENTING EVER HELP?

In short, of course they can. BUT-these different brands of parenting are not a one-size fits all thing.

One of the greatest impacts on success (whether it is for a medication trial, or therapy, or pretty much anything else) is whether or not you believe it will work. Essentially, it’s the placebo effect.

So, if you head into any of these brands thinking they will change your life, it probably will. But if you head into it feeling skeptical or unsure, odds are that it will not work for you.

I’m not saying these styles don’t have worth. They do. And if you combined all of them, there’s no telling how many millions of kids and parents they have helped.

If you are part of the many, many people who find value in these parenting styles, as Amy Poehler would say, “Good for you. Not for me.”

But rest assured, it’s not for everyone. And there’s nothing wrong with you if you tried, and it just didn’t work.

If you are wondering if you could just naturally parent, without having to overthink it, read on.

The Good News

You don’t have to be a follower of any of the particular brand to be a good parent. It’s not the only way. (And, you don’t have to adhere to a particular ‘brand’ in full- you are allowed to borrow the tools that seem most useful for you!)

We get personalized make-up boxes, clothing, and dinners delivered to our doors. Why do we need to settle for a brand of parenting somebody else has created? Spoiler alert- we don’t!

YOU can create your own style of parenting, based on your personality, your tendencies, and your kids. Instead of trying to strictly adhere to the tenants of a certain type of parenting, focus on learning about yourself in depth, and then doing the same for each of your kids.

What are the 4 types of Parenting Styles

There are 4 types of parenting styles, according to research. They are categories your natural parenting tendencies can fall into. Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved.

They are easiest to see on a graph, with two continuums, demanding vs non-demanding, and responsive vs non-responsive.

Nearly all of today’s ‘brands’ are tools to help people stay in the Authoritative quadrant. In the graphic below, the vertical axis represents the responsive continuum, and the horizontal axis represents the demanding continuum.

Like I said, these 4 types of parenting have been heavily researched, and the evidence shows that Authoritative parenting produces the best outcomes. And what I really love about this is that research shows this is true even across cultures!

Authoritative parents produce kids with higher self-esteem, better self-control and the ability to regulate emotions, better academic outcomes, greater empathy and general social skills.

One of the things that drives me the most crazy is that all these different brands of parenting position themselves as being the only way to be an Authoritative parent.

But the reality is that there is still a spectrum of what being an Authoritative parent looks like.

Responsive And Demanding

You could be a fairly demanding parent, and have extremely high expectations for your kids. But as long as you’re balancing it with a very healthy dose of responsiveness, it works!

Or you could be an easier going parent, and balance a what-will-be-will-be sort of attitude with healthy expectations.

So then you’re closer the center of the chart. But you’re still an Authoritative parent. The point is- there are a lot of different ways to get this right.

Just like I wish I could yell at my high-school self and say, “You don’t have to look like everyone else! Just do you!” I want to scream from my roof, “Find the parenting practices that work for you, put your soul at ease, and bring joy to your family! Don’t worry what everyone else is doing!”

So What’s the Solution?

The goal is to parent in an authoritative way, with your own personal style. You actually already have your own style; you just need to figure out if it’s the style you want.

If you want to figure out what your natural style is, think about how you parent on your best days and on your worst days. Those are the two extremes of your natural style, and your typical behavior should fall in the middle. You could use the words listed in the graphic describing ‘responsive’ and ‘demanding’ to help

What style do you rely on when your other resources are depleted (worst day)? What style are you aspiring to raise your kids with (best day)?

If you’re struggling to think about this abstractly, try observing yourself for a bit. React naturally for a few days or a week, and watch your behaviors (don’t try to change them yet- just be observant). I’m a huge believer in data gathering- so write this information down! Sometimes we can only see the truth when it’s literally in front of us.

In short, you can find your current parenting style by:

1. Thinking about your best and worst days.

2. Observing your own parenting

3. Keep track of your behaviors

Wrap Up

You don’t have to be like everyone else. You are unique. You are exactly who your kids need you to be. Instead of chasing the next thing (or your Pinterest feed) lean in that.

You know that balancing demandingness and responsiveness is the gold standard of Authoritative Parenting. You can grab the tools you need, as you need them, taking the time to evaluate them as you go.

If you’re not feeling confident that you’re an authoritative parent, we even have a system for discovering what type of parenting style you use. Parenting with a Plan is a good place to start if you think you might want to tweak what you’re currently doing.

If you’re looking for some practical parenting ideas, sign up for my email list and get weekly ideas sent right to your inbox!

Introverts Are Great

I need to explain that I am not here to ‘fix’ kids from being introverts. It’s an enduring- and wonderful- personality trait! These kids are often deep thinkers, evaluaters and good listeners, which I think are all traits to be admired.

But because they are not as likely as their extroverted peers to seek out social interaction, it is common for introverted kids to have less developed social skills. And while it’s fine to prefer some solitude instead of a general ruckus, I want these kiddos to be on equal footing with the extroverts. Because human beings were designed to live in community; we need each other. So we all need solid social skills to be able to effectively interact with other people.

We all want our kids to be successful adults. And whether you measure that by your kid having a successful career, or stable and meaningful relationships, social skills are key. It has long been established that extroverts earn more money, most likely because those individuals are comfortable with communication in group settings, and are then perceived to be leaders. And it should go without saying that communication is essential to healthy relationships.

Social Skills Are A Learned Skill

Let me make this analogy. If there were a kid who doesn’t know how to stand on one foot, I would make sure he or she develops the skill. Not because I particularly care if this child stands around like a flamingo, but because I know there are additional skills built on top of the ability to balance and stand on one foot (like getting dressed while standing up, and going up the stairs with alternating feet, for example). Standing on one foot is a pre-requisite skill.

Basic social skills are the same way. If you don’t help kids develop these stepping-stone skills, big social skills (like interviewing or presenting) seem that much more out of reach.So let’s set these kids up for success!

Social Skills For Kids Who Are Introverts

1. Manners

Manners are critical to social skills. They are the oil that helps everything keep rolling smoothly. Parents are often quick to teach ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ but don’t forget about other phrases like, “May I…?” and if they were at a friend’s house “Thank you for having me over.”

2. Respond

One quality of introverts is that they tend to be critical thinkers, so if you ask a kid a question, he/she may not respond because they’re busy thinking! The good news is that we, as their parents, can teach them that they need to always respond to a question. And if they don’t have their final answer, they can use a response like, “Let me think about that” or “I need a minute.”

3. Respond with an ‘and’

This is one of those social skills that can really help draw out those introverted kids! If someone asks your kid, “Are you having a nice summer?” how likely is it that they just say “Yes” or some other one word answer? (I feel like I can see heads nodding!!) So, we can teach them to say “Yes, AND I like going to the beach” or “No, AND I’ve been sick this summer.” Especially if you’re going to a family reunion, or some other function where you know they’ll be asked these sorts of questions, you could think about coaching your kid to come up with a few canned answers.

4. Eye contact

Kids (introverts AND extroverts) can be notorious for speaking to us while looking the completely opposite way. I get that looking someone in the eye can be hard. And if there’s a power-differential, like when they’re addressing an adult, it can be especially challenging. But physically speaking towards the person you’re speaking to is a critical skill. If they’re especially intimidated by making eye-contact, there’s always the age old trick of looking at someone’s eyebrows!

5. Follow-up question

This is a skill that will have everyone raving about how charming and personable your child is. When was the last time a 9 year old asked you how you are? That sort of poise tends to knock some socks off!
It’s a hard concept for some kids to organically grasp, because they’re still developmentally in a very egocentric state. To put it bluntly, other people’s life experiences isn’t something many kids think about. This is another one of the social skills where you can coach kids, and prepare them with a few planned questions. Even just “How are you?” is wonderful questions for a kid to be asking. You can practice this skill at the dinner table, with everyone asking each other questions like, “How was your day?” (Having a few planned questions can also be a handy trick for many adults!)

Social Skills for Introverts Only?

This list of social skills is not exclusive to introverts. Extroverts certainly need to learn manners, too. But each personality- and each individual- has their own strengths and weaknesses. So this list of social skills is meant to help kids who are introverts with areas that tend to be challenges.

Extroverts still can have many challenges when it comes to social skills, but they are often slightly different than the ones mentioned above.
Use these tips to slowly coach your kiddo, and see if you notice a difference. The Free Social Skills PDF is right below, and will definitely help you in that process.

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What do you stand for?

Last week, literally everyone in my house was sick with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. There were 104 degree fevers, strep throat, and ear infections. If you’ve never had this plague sweep through your house, I pray it never does. It’s one of those horrendous bugs that lasts forever. It’s not some quick little 24-hour flu (although I’m not wishing that on anyone, either).

So, to cut to the chase, I spent a lot of time last week being stressed and then getting angry about the general situation, and then building on that with all those “and another thing!” thoughts, to create a truly delightful downward spiral. I’m sure I was a joy to be around.

BUT. Then I heard a sentence that literally turned everything around. “It’s easy to say what you’re against. But what are you for?”

“It’s easy to say what you’re against. But what are you for?”

I love the power of language.  What am I for? It was such a complete change of mindset! It stopped all the negativity in it’s tracks. I’ve been creating my list of all the parenting and family related things I’m for all week. I’ve been adding to it, and listening to what some of the other people in my life stand for, too. So, without further ado…

What do I stand for?

I’m for kids playing outside.

I’m for coffee.

I’m for sharing the opportunity to have a relationship with God with kids.

I’m for parents who know what they need to find balance in their families.

I’m for real-life parenting groups.

I’m for cloth diapers and laundry hanging outside.

I’m for getting outside your bubble, even- especially- if it makes you uncomfortable.

I’m for natural consequences.

I’m for small birthday parties.

I’m for finding educational moments in a kid’s daily life.

I’m for vaccinations and antibiotics.

I’m for organized sports, even if your kid isn’t athletic.

I’m for sweets in moderation.

I’m for kindness.

I’m for giving people the benefit of the doubt.

I’m for the truth.

I’m for writing in cursive.

I’m for letting each of your children be unique individuals, and only measuring them up to themselves.

I’m for doing your best, knowing it won’t be perfect.

I’m for giving yourself the grace to let some things go.

I’m for raising kids to become adults.

I’m for giving kids independence.

I’m for telling my kids “no.”

I’m for trusting my instinct.

I’m for finding a creative outlet.

I’m for teaching kids life skills, like cooking, cleaning and budgeting, before they move out.

I’m for parents who prioritize their spiritual, physical and mental health.

I’m for gardening and showing kids how food grows.

I’m for a messy, dirty, happy childhood.

I’m for giving kids everything they need, and only some of what they want.

I’m for visiting the in-laws.

I’m for kids learning how to swim

I’m for learning from each other.

I’m for teaching kids how to lose.

I’m for traveling the world with kids.

I’m for teamwork with your spouse.

I’m for working through the tough stuff with your spouse.

I’m for date night and leaving the kids with a sitter.

I’m for adoption.

I’m for diversity.

I’m for paying things forward.

I’m for celebrating that everyone is different, so everyone will find peace with a different type of parenting.

I’m for parents advocating for their kids because no one else knows them better, or will do a better job.

I’m for dads who are trying to continuously bring their A game.

I’m for naps.

I’m for hand-me-downs, consignment shops, and grabbing plastic toys with the ‘free’ sign on the tree lawn.

I’m for looking at the big-picture.

I’m for recognizing that this is a difficult and sometimes heartbreaking journey, and to pretend otherwise is a disservice.

I’m for letting go of the small things and enjoying the moment.

It’s been an amazing exercise.

If you’re struggling at all to find your values as a parent, then I’d challenge you to do this. Seriously. Write it out. Share it with your spouse. Sift through it and figure out which ones carry the most weight for you. How much of what you are for actually makes its way into your life? If you’re not sure what to do once you identify your values, you can always start with my article on Parenting With A Plan. 

So, what are you for? I’d love to hear what you stand for in the comments below!

News and Our Kids.

It’s pretty much a universal truth that parents don’t love to explain the news to their kids. I’m pretty confident that parents have been trying to shield their kids from the news since the beginning of time. In every era there has been terrible information that’s anything but child-friendly. But at the risk of sounding cliche, parents today have a special challenge. According to the Times, “today’s news is “increasingly visual and shocking,” and points to the inclusion of smartphone videos and audio clips as examples.”

And it doesn’t help that the news is everywhere. It used to be as easy as turning off the 6 o’clock news, or making sure the newspaper wasn’t lying around. But now it’s live-streaming on social networks, it’s scrolling on the bottom bar of the sports channels, it’s on the TVs at doctor’s offices. It can feel like everywhere our kids look, there is information we aren’t ready for them to have.

News aims to keep adults aware of the events of the world.

It was never meant to be consumed by children. Studies show that watching and reading the news increases anxiety in adults. So, it would make sense that news would have the same impact on childrens’ mental health. For kids, it may also lead to a perception that the world is a randomly dangerous place. It may reinforce a belief that adults are not trust-worthy, and are unable to keep people safe. That sounds like a pretty frightening place to live.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

When your son or daughter asks you the dreaded, “What does this mean?” what can the well-meaning parent do? You don’t have to lie, or pretend you didn’t hear. You CAN actually explain the news in a healthy way. All you have to do is explain what “should” happen. For example, if your son or daughter was innocently watching the college basketball tournament, they could have heard the announcers vaguely discussing Michigan State and a convicted child sexual predator. The information the commentators share is usually PG rated, but that leaves a lot to the imagination. (And we all know how vivid kids’ imagination can be!) To be clear, this happens in all sorts of news scenarios. I’m not specifically calling out this broadcast, rather, I’m using it as example.

So, when they say, “Mom, what are they talking about with Michigan State?” all you have to do is explain (briefly) what should have happened. You can say something like, “Well, a doctor’s job is to take care of people and keep them safe and healthy. That didn’t happen in this case.” There are obviously a lot of different correct answers. You could also say that adults are supposed to keep kids safe, or everyone is in charge of their own body, and so on. You get to spin this towards your values- it’s your parental privilege! The beauty of this system is that you are focusing on the positive. The vast majority of doctors do work incredibly hard to keep their patients safe and healthy. You are showing your kid what to expect from the world.

BUT MY CHILD HAS ALREADY SEEN THE NEWS STORY!

If your kid has already heard the full news story, or even witnessed it first hand- use Mr. [Fred] Roger’s advice. He famously said that his mother used to tell him, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” The point is, yes, terrible things happen. Unjust, unexplainable, incomprehensible things happen. But there are good people out there, and we can’t give in to despair, or start believing that all the goodness is gone from the world. Look for the helpers.

Explain the News in a Developmentally Appropriate Way

We want to create citizens of the world who are compassionate and knowledgeable. And cultivating a knowledge about the world, and justice is a great step towards that goal. It’s important to do it at an age appropriate level, though. Remember this: kids under the age of reason (about 7-8 depending on the child) still engage in magical thinking. They still believe in things like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, because they don’t have a well-developed sense of reality. As a parent, it is your right and privilege to teach your child. If you believe your son or daughter is ready to learn about the news in an age-appropriate way, then you have an amazing opportunity to share the world with them. When you are ready to take that step, I have 3 suggestions for making the news child-friendly:

1. Be proactive. If you know there is a large-scale event which could come up in conversation, (devastating hurricanes, school shootings, etc.) you can address it with your kid ahead of time. Let them know what’s happening, keeping in mind their developmental ability to understand.
2. Let them know they are safe, and that you are safe. If you are potentially in danger (i.e. in the path of a hurricane) this is an excellent time to lovingly remind them about your family’s safety plan.
3. Be the helpers. Many kids have a very deep sense of justice, and can be easily shaken by the cruelty of the world. Assist them in finding a way to help (donate to a charity, or organize a collection for disaster victims), which will in turn help restore a sense of balance to the situation.

It’s challenging to find that perfect balance- between sheltering your kid and helping them become aware of the world around them. But there are ways to help acclimate our kids, little by little, so we can introduce them to the world, instead of being terrified by it!  If you would like some continue encouragement, or more practical parenting tips, sign up for the weekly email! I promise to keep it brief- we’re all busy parents. But who couldn’t use a little more encouragement?!

The independent preschooler?

Preschoolers (kids aged 3-5ish) are always learning new skills and trying new things. A lot of the new skills they learn are helping them gain independence. For many kids, these are headstrong years. They are learning to assert themselves. And parents are learning to give their kids a bit more space.

Many parents greet this time in their child’s life with mixed emotions. Even those this signifies typical development, it’s easy to be a bit sad about your preschooler no longer needing your for everything.

But the upside is that they are growing and no longer need you for everything!! They are feeding themselves, possibly getting (some of) their own food, dressing themselves, and the list could go on!

Not every preschooler is so enthusiastic about independence. Or maybe your son or daughter is trying to assert their independence by ‘making’ you do tasks for them.

So, to encourage them in their typical development, (and to help you re-claim 3 minutes of your life!) I have 2 quick tips. Here we go!

2 Quick Tips for Encouraging Independence

1. Go Slow

My first tip is to respond s-l-o-w-l-y to all tasks you expect them to be able to do independently.

Let’s use pouring dry cereal as an example. “Mom, can you get some cereal for me?” “Sure sweetie, but my hands are a little busy at the moment. Remember, you can get a bowl and the cereal and pour it for yourself.”

Then take your sweet time with whatever you’re doing.

Your goal is to have your kid get so tired of waiting for you that it’s easier to just do it themselves. So, maybe this is a good time to start a load of laundry, or sweep the floor, or take care of a younger sibling. (Or even yourself!)

If they’re really digging their heels in, you could simply require that the bowl and box of cereal be on the counter before you pour the cereal out for them. Admittedly, this is not nearly as easy to do if you’re up against a time-crunch. But if you can, try and plan for extra time to be able to encourage an independent preschooler.

2. Let Them Be The Expert

Kids love knowing more than grown-ups!

So, next time your kid asks for help with putting on their shoes and socks (for example), act a little confused about the whole process. Try opening the sock at the toe, or putting it on an ear.

They’ll get a kick out of teaching you how to do it, and teaching a skill is the best way to make sure it’s ingrained.

Plus, the chances are good that you’ll both finish the task with smiles on your faces!

3. Bonus Tip for More Independent Preschoolers

Kids move faster with encouragement than with anger.

It may be repetitive, but do your best to be a very vocal cheerleader for them every step of the way. “Great job! You found the bowl and put it on the counter! You’re such a big kid, I knew you could do it!”

You don’t have to be creative with your praise- just sincere. No kid has ever said, “Mom, you already said I’m great. Why don’t you try a new word?”

Also, don’t reserve your praise for the completed task- pour it on, liberally, the whole way and your kid will be so much more motivated to keep going. We want to praise the effort, not just the result!

When it gets a little mind-numbing, just think about how wonderful it is that your kid will have that as the soundtrack of your voice in their head.

Let’s Hear It For Independent Preschoolers!

There you go! Two quick tips to help encourage you and your preschooler towards greater independence. Just go slow, and let them be the expert! 

So what’s your favorite quick tip? Have you tried any of these ‘tricks’ before? How would it impact your life if you had a more independent preschooler who could do things on their own? I’d love to hear in the comments if these worked for you, or if you think I left something out! 

Related Posts

• Social Skills for Kids Who Are Introverts
  
• No More Power Struggles
  
• Explaining The News To Your Kid
  

About Alexandria

Alexandria is a Marriage and Family Therapist with 10 years experience, who is passionate about happy families. She is adamant that happy families start with parents who have the knowledge and tools they need, and who aren’t stressed out to the max. And she wants to help your family thrive!