How To Use Special Interests To Love A Challenging Child

Obsession. Preoccupation. Fanaticism. Fixation.

These are probably some of the words you’d use to describe your kid’s intense special interest. Maybe you’d even include words like ‘odd’ or ‘irritating.’

My guess is that words about love and communication most likely weren’t on the list. And most of us have felt that crazy desire to scrape our own ear drums out with a spork if we have to hear one. more. thing. about trains/dinosaurs/sports stats/Mickey/fill-in-your-own-version-of-Hades-here.

But, we can flip the script, here! If your kid has an intense special interest, instead of it being something that drives your crazy, you have a unique opportunity to speak love to them!

What Are Special Interests?

All kids (and adults!) have different topics of interest that appeal to them. But some kids, especially those with ADHD, Autism and/or giftedness, develop an intense focus on a special interest. They truly deep dive in those areas.

A ‘special interest’ is exactly that. It’s a topic that someone is deeply interested in, and is incredibly meaningful to them. They may appear to have ‘superpowers’ with this special interest. Like being able to focus on it for an incredible amount of time, (people use phrases like “getting lost in it”) even when their ability to focus is limited in general. They may remember seemingly trivial details, like a specific part number, or a score from a game that happened years ago.

Another way to differentiate a special interest from a general topic of interest is that there tends to only be one (maaaaybe 2) special interest at a time. Common special interests can be:

• Transportation- like cars, trains, planes, etc
• Pets or animals
• Sports facts
• Computer games
• Series (books or shows)
• And so many more!

Special Interests In Childhood

When one of my boys was younger, he became incredibly fixated on trains. He focused on trains for so long and in such detail that I began to worry he would never want to learn about anything else! I was concerned he wouldn’t want to interact about anything else. Basically, I was terrified he was limiting himself, and wouldn’t experience the full human range of experiences.

Then my husband showed me this YouTube video where a grown man absolutely loses his mind when a (very specific) train went by. And all I could think was how lucky I, or my son, would be to be that enthusiastic about anything. That was the moment when I decided to just let him and his trains be.

So I took a deep breath, and repeated to myself “Everything was going to be ok.”

Special Interests As Kids Grow

One great way to ease some of your fears about how life will turn out for your kids is to look at their older peers. Seeing other people’s experiences with their special interests is a really helpful way to see the trajectory for your kiddo. For example, this woman talks about her experience with her “specialized interests.” I love how she describes them as recharging and comforting. These areas of specialized interest are so important to some people, it’s like an extension of themselves.

Another thing to know about special interests is that this is going to be an enduring and life-long personality trait. Your child will always be a person who ‘deep dives’ into different areas, even though the topic may change throughout their life.

It may also help you to know that many kids who develop intense special interests are able to take one of the more pervasive or enduring ones and turn it into a career. A good example is a kid who’s always been interested in mechanics. Maybe they have taken apart and repaired more items in your house than you care to count. They may be able to turn that love and interest into a career as an engineer, or an inventor, or an electrician! The possibilities are endless!

Love Languages

Let’s segue to a completely new topic! Love languages!

The idea behind love languages is that everyone ‘hears’ and ‘speaks’ love differently. The best way to communicate with anyone is in their first language, and it’s the same with love.

Gary Chapman is the original author of the “Five Love Languages.” And he proposes that there are 5 languages of love. They are; words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. If you’ve ever had someone say to you, “Saying ‘I love you’ just isn’t enough for me to feel connected to you,” then you’ve experienced this idea first hand.

If you’re interested, you can use this fun online quiz to see what your child’s love language is. (I highly recommend it!) The quiz was designed for kids 9 and older, because younger kids tend to speak all the languages before narrowing down their focus to just one or two. But they will eventually develop one (or more!) language that speaks the loudest to them.

(These are affiliate links. There is no additional cost to you, but a small portion of your purchase goes towards running this site.)

Work Smarter Not Harder

To give your parental love the biggest bang for it’s buck, it will help if you speak your kid’s love language. You can save a lot of time and energy by doing this! If you know your kid doesn’t speak the language of acts of service, you can reduce the amount of time and energy you spend on doing things in that category, and instead focus your time on their primary language.

And this is where the special interest comes back in. Engaging with your child about their intense special interest is one of the most effective ways to show your love. If your kid feels their area of specialized interest is an extension of themselves, and then you show that you’re interested and engaged with it, you’re showing love to a very important part of your child. (If I had a dry erase board in front of me, I’d draw an awful illustration to help demonstrate this!)

Speaking Love Via Special Interests

You can speak all five love languages to your kid via their area of interest.  Let me show you. I’ll use trains as the example, since they’re such a common special interest.

• Gifts– You could give (parts of) train sets, or even just go to the library and pick up a new book or two about trains for them.
• Quality Time– You can go to a train show with them.
• Touch– Try sitting right next to them while they’re playing or reading about trains.
• Acts of Service- You could help them organize their train sets or books; you could assist with a chore so they’ll have more time to spend on trains.
• Words of Affirmation– Listen to them talk about trains, and genuinely respond with encouraging and positive words. Ask questions. Let them know you’re interested in them by engaging with their knowledge and love of trains.

Creating a Bond That Lasts

Connecting with your kid over their area of interest helps them know you are interested in them; they feel loved because you are involved. Sometimes, kids with ADHD, Autism, or giftedness can be hard to love. Their behaviors and personalities can be a bit…idiosyncratic. So, it’s critical they receive (and feel!) your unconditional love. The need for love is a massive human drive. Every person on Earth wants to be loved and know they are worthy of love.

The impact of kids knowing they are unconditionally loved cannot be understated. When a kid knows they are loved, unconditionally, their subconscious thought process will be able to say things like, “I know I am loved, so I am loveable.”

It gives your kid self-worth to know that you love them, and find them interesting. Your love for them, shown by your engagement with your kid’s special interest, may not be a magic bullet that prevents all harm from coming to your child. But it does give them a very strong shield to protect themselves with.

The Wrap Up

At first, it may not seem like your kid’s intense focus on their special interest has anything to do with them feeling loved. But if we start to see their special interest as almost an extension of themselves, it becomes clearer that we need to extend our love for them to include that part of themselves.

Their special interest is a part of them. It fulfills the need for comfort, exploration and order. It also presents an amazing opportunity for you to be able to speak your child’s love language in a way that they will hear the best.

I understand- I’ve been there. It can be SO draining to engage in those areas of interest, because it’s painfully repetitive to us as their parents. But every tiny detail is a new nuance to them that is fascinating and intriguing. You’ll find that if you can move past your own personal lack of enthusiasm for their special interest, you’ll be able to engage with your kid on a whole new level.

So how are you going to combine your kid’s love language and special interest? Let me know in the comments below!

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