You Need A Stronger Marriage
Choosing A Strong Marriage
It’s been a hard day. You were up early with one of the kids, and the day didn’t let up after that. Between just getting the basics done, and kids throwing fits and not listening, you didn’t get a chance to brush your teeth until 1! The best word to describe it is ‘relentless.’ Then your husband is late getting home. When he walks through the door, what do you do?
There are so many choices! You could give him the cold shoulder for leaving you high and dry. You could just verbally dump your day. Yelling is always an option. What about just walking out door?
Or you could choose a more loving tactic; give him a hug, ask how he is, and tell him (kindly) what support you need.
Putting The Marriage First
It’s not always easy to put your marriage first. To do that, you need to choose to love over and over and over again. You need to develop love as an action, and not just a feeling. When you choose to the do the loving thing, even if it requires a little extra effort, THAT is putting your marriage first. Even if you’re tired, or don’t feel particularly in-love with your husband at that moment, it’s important to choose to love.
To have a strong marriage, you will need to be self-less. And choose to not show your irritation about the little things. You’ll have to choose not to indulge your own petty feelings, because the greater whole (ie: your family) is more important than one person (you). It’s not easy.
But there are so many days when blowing off a little steam would feel so much easier! After all, so much of the world is saying, “just do you.” And you are feeling exhausted from working all day and taking care of kids!.
So why make the effort?
Because marriage is the foundation of your family. If you want a peaceful, joyful family- start with your marriage.
The marriage determines the culture of the family. It sets the tone. If it the house’s foundation is strong, the structure will stand firm, even in the strongest storms. Water doesn’t leak into the basement. The floors aren’t slowly sinking. Sometimes it takes years for the foundations to crumble, and the damage occurs so slowly it’s hardly perceptible. Sometimes, an outside force (an earthquake, or a bulldozer) destroys it in minutes; and while it can be rebuilt, it’s not the same as before. A strong marriage is worth the effort.
“Good Marriages Don’t Need Work”
Now, please let me address the fallacy that a good marriage just happens. Hearing that makes me want to pull my hair out and scream from the rooftop. No marriage on Earth, throughout time, has benefited from neglect. Even a benignly neglected foundation will crumble.
There’s even a lie out there that takes this one step further. If you have to work on your marriage, it wasn’t good to begin with. Both of those ideas are fallacies. Believing either of them is a massive disservice to you.
I’m not sure exactly where the idea that you don’t have to work on your marriage came from, but I do understand that it’s hard work. Showing up for your marriage requires knowing yourself, being vulnerable, and trusting another person to be gentle with your truth. But you owe it to yourself … A strong marriage is just the beginning to a great life!
You really do need a strong marriage
It all sounds great in theory. And yes, having a great marriage is initially what you signed up for. (I’ve yet to meet a person who has said, “I only really ever expected our relationship to be mediocre.) But this goes beyond the desire to have that ‘in love’ feeling. It even goes beyond just the two of you.
1. You deserve a partner in life
A strong marriage means you have a partner to go through life with. It’s like having a president and vice president; you play to your strengths to balance each other. But no one ends up with all the work. There’s a sounding board. When there’s only one person at top, it’s easy to get burned out, or simply not be able to do everything that was on your agenda.
Better yet, your life is going to be immeasurably more enjoyable if you have your best friend always at your side. Imagine the joy and confidence you would have from knowing that your spouse always supported you (even if they disagreed with you).
2. Better for the kids
A strong marriage benefits the kids, because each adult feels fulfilled, and isn’t therefore seeking out emotional support or fulfillment in (one of) their children. In emotionally unfulfilling marriages, people are left needing love, support and friendship. Unfortunately, parents often (sometimes unknowingly) seek out their kids as a means to get this love, support and friendship. The parent ends up having a lopsided relationship with their kid, which undermines their ability to parent effectively. Imagine trying to tell someone you were just being best friends with to go to their room!
If the love, support and friendship that each of you needs is given within your marriage, you can maintain better boundaries with your kids. So, basically, a strong marriage means your kids are less likely to go to therapy when they’re older! Also, research has shown, time after time, how kids generally fare better in stable households. And one path to a stable household is a strong marriage.
3. Increased respect for each other and from your kids
If kids are seeing parents argue (not to be confused with fair debating) it gives the impression that they don’t have to respect what each parent is saying either. It’s not explicitly stated, but that’s the message you receive. But in a strong marriage, you will choose to be loving, so it (almost) goes without saying that you’ll be respectful to each other, too!
Side note- If you’re having a problem with your kids speaking disrespectfully to you, you might want to listen carefully to how they hear your husband speak to you.
4. A happier family for generations
People often fall into the pattern of marrying someone like their parents, and emulating their parent’s marriage. Not because it’s the best, but because it’s what they are intimately familiar with. If you want your children to have strong, healthy relationships, and your grandkids to grow up in loving, nurturing supportive homes, one of the best things you can do to support that is to strengthen your own marriage. The impact of a marriage, for better or worse, lasts generations.
5. Greater Financial Success
Divorce is expensive. The old adage of, “It’s cheaper to keep her,” is certainly true. But even if divorce wasn’t on your horizon, improving your marriage can still improve your finances. Better communication means that you are able to talk about the budget and purchases without hurt and ego. No more sneaking a bag into the house and opening it in a few weeks and hoping your husband or wife doesn’t notice!
And, when you’re happy with the life you have, you’ll notice your desire to buy the ‘extras’ might decrease. You wouldn’t have a need for retail therapy, or anything else that artificially creates joy. And that will definitely help your financial bottom line!
It’s Hard to Make Time
In most seasons of life, it’s really hard to make time to dedicate to your marriage. It can be really hard not to fall into the trap where you’re saying to yourself, “We’re doing alright; we don’t fight so we must be good.” Even a good marriage needs consistent time and effort to stay strong.
One of the things that drives me nuts is when other people give the advice, “You just have to be intentional with making time.” It drives me absolutely crazy because I feel like a) that totally glosses over how incredibly challenging it is, and b) doesn’t give you one tiny bit of practical advice.
It also doesn’t address the fact that most dates seemingly cost money! And it’s no secret that families with young any kids don’t generally have wads of cash laying around. But really, those barriers can be overcome with a little planning.
Here are some actual tips for finding the time and/or money (even if you think you have none) so you can work on your marriage:
Schedule it:
If you have kids, spontaneity as a plan went out the door. You are going to need to schedule time for you and your husband. Be planful. If you know that you’re both dead on your feet on Friday nights, don’t choose that night for a date! If you long to drink a cup of coffee while it’s still hot, maybe a Saturday morning coffee date is best for you!
Utilize free babysitting:
If you have a friend who is looking to get out of the house, try swapping date nights. Choose two dates, and she’ll come over to your house and hang out while you go on a date! And then vice versa. (It’s nicest to do after the kids are in bed- you both have a had a full day of your own kids- you don’t need to be putting someone else’s kids to bed!) Voila! Free babysitting! (And- a free night of relaxing me-time at your friend’s house.)
Have a Date Night In:
There are so many options on this. But I still maintain, you have to plan it. Make sure you’re both on board, so the kids can go to bed early and you can maximize your night together! Options for a date-night-in include:
- Movie and popcorn
- Learn a language together (use an app that makes it into a game!)
- Order dinner in, and get dressed up for each other, just like you would if you were going out to eat
- Learn a new card/board game (bonus for swapping games with a friend so you can do this for free!)
- Make a romantic dinner together and eat by candlelight
- Watch your wedding video together
- Talk about the future and plan out giant dreams and goals for you to accomplish together.
- Take online quizzes together (if it’s your thing, personality quizzes are a fun way to get to know yourself- and your spouse- better!)
- And more!
Go to the gym together:
Often, gyms have childcare that is free (ie: included with your membership) for an hour or two. You could go work out together, get your endorphins going, and then enjoy that ‘high’ together with a soak in the hot tub or visit to the sauna afterwards!
Even the Best Marriages Need Continual Work
Imagine if you went to the gym consistently; maybe you were training for something. Let’s say you were training for a half-marathon. You went running, you worked out, and congratulations, you completed your half-marathon! You’re in shape, and you’re feeling great about it!
Now imagine that because you were really happy with your achievement, you stopped going to the gym and working out. Would you be able to run a half-marathon a month later? Maybe. How about 6 months later? Probably not.
It’s like that with relationships. Once you have them where you want them, you still have to put in maintenance effort. There will always be storms, but ideally most of the work will be fun and enjoyable. Enjoying a drink on the beach with your husband totally counts as working on your marriage! Just make sure to have a drink for me, too!
What Will You Do To Strengthen Your Marriage?
Making your marriage the priority of your family life isn’t easy. But it’s crucial. Choosing to love can be a challenging thing.
Take half a minute, be brave, and rate how strong your marriage currently is. What are it’s weak points? What are it’s strong points? Using a 1-10 scale, what was the best your marriage ever was? How do you stack up against that right now? Could you ever get to a point where it’s even better than when you were at your best?
If you’re really ready to work on strengthening your marriage, ask your spouse the same questions.
So, what steps would you be willing to take to work on your marriage? This isn’t a fluffy question. Don’t be tricked into thinking only people with time, or money, or younger/easier kids can get the chance to work on their marriage. How can you choose to love your spouse today?
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