Self-Care Ideas for Moms with Challenging kids

“STOP SCREAMING AT YOUR BROTHER!!!!” Not one of my better moments. I yelled this at my 19-month-old. He was shrieking, and his brother was just screaming back at him, and they had been doing this since 7 am, and we were in the car, and had just gone to the millionth doctor appointment, and my kid’s school wasn’t working with me, and I had a million things on my to-do list, and dinner still needed to be made, and…and…and… It was one of the moments when you hear everything happening a millisecond too late, and you can’t quite stuff the words back in your mouth in time.

The Real Cost of Ignoring Self-Care

Have you ever noticed how we turn into these volcanoes where the more tense things are, the closer to the boiling point we get? Everything just seems so close to the surface. Maybe you cry easier. Or you’re quick to anger. Maybe everything just seems hopeless and you might as well not even try anymore. Me? I yell. It’s not great, but without another outlet, it’s how I end up dealing with the stress. Because when the stress is turned up to 11,  everything and everyone and everything seems to demand your time. You don’t have time to stop and deal with your emotions. Your kids need you, your husband wants your time, the laundry pile is threatening to bury you alive. Work is in its busy season. And on top of that, you need to deal with teacher conferences, IEP meetings, party planning, doctor appointments, and that’s not even including being the shuttle service for all the extra-curriculars. Aaaaaand, your kid’s behaviors have started getting worse. (It couldn’t be because they’re picking up on your stress?! No way!) The worst part is you may even recognize what’s going on, but you know for certain that you can’t stop for something as trivial as yourself right now. Wait. What?!

Self Care Is Not Optional

This is not a platitude, or just a pretty quote you see on Instagram. This is a reality of your life. You need to be doing more self-care. I’m sorry if that seems blunt, but this topic is too important to dance around. The harder things get, the more we need self-care. It’s a direct relationship. Unfortunately, the harder things get, the more people need us and the more tasks there are to complete. And it seems impossible to take a step back and just start with checking-in with ourselves to see how we’re handling it all. Which is why we need to be purposeful with our self-care.

The Dreaded Downward Spiral

I can make you a promise. You will downward spiral if you don’t do self-care. Say, for instance, you have a bad moment, and you scream at the kids, or burn dinner, or whatever. Your first thought is, “I’m a terrible mom, I can’t believe I did that.” If you have the peace and grace that comes from having taken care of yourself, you’ll be able to nip those negative thoughts in the bud. But if you don’t view yourself as someone worthy of love and treat yourself with care, it will never stop there. You’ll keep going down that slippery slope. It may start with, “I’m a terrible mom.” But it continues with, “I can’t believe I did that again.” And then, “I can never change. I’m just not a good person.” And it could even cap off with something like, “Maybe my family would be better off without me.” It might sound dramatic reading it, but it’s the reality of what the whispers in our mind are just waiting to say to us if we don’t have the power to shut them up.

The Truth About Self Care

At the beginning of your journey, those whispers in your mind will still try to tell you that you’re not worth it. That taking care of yourself is selfish, maybe even vain. “Look how you’re neglecting your kid because you took 10 minutes to read a book in the quiet of your room while they’re doing something else.” Those are lies. What is selfish is not giving the best version of yourself to your family. It’s selfish to hold yourself back. Your kids and your spouse? They need ALL of you. And they can only get that if you take care of yourself well enough to keep yourself whole. Practicing self-care impacts more than just how we feel, it impacts how we behave. It’s not just about us.

Self-care Doesn’t Have to be Hard

Self-care is not something that needs to demand a lot of your time or money. I’m not talking about the kind of self-care where you go away for a spa weekend with the girls. (Although that does sound great. So, invite me if you’re going?!)

Self-Care Idea for Mom #1 

To start, we need to schedule it and plan for it to work into our schedules. Write it in as an appointment with a friend. You wouldn’t cancel on a good friend. So don’t cancel on yourself! If you want to be able to get through difficult times in your life, you need time for self-care. The benefits are basically endless. When you practice exceptional self-care you can root yourself, like a tree. Identifying the things that make you feel rooted leads you back to remembering your why. With enough refueling from self-care, you’ll remember that you are strong enough to handle anything. Because you’ve already come this far! It’ll prevent burn-out, and exhaustion, and give you a nearly endless supply of patience.  And when your roots are deep, no storm can blow you down.

Self-Care Idea for Mom #2

Turn it into a habit. Sometimes, self-care ideas aren’t something that are necessarily scheduled. Things like changing out of sweatpants and drinking enough water should probably happen daily. At some point in your life, brushing your teeth became a habit. And now, under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t even consider leaving the house without brushing your teeth. It’s not something you write on your to-do list. (Unless you having one of those days where you’re desperate to check things off!) So, just like with teeth-brushing, when you create a habit, taking care of yourself will just be part of who you are. Not something you do.

Self-care Idea for Mom #3

Sometimes, you just need to find a time to get the ‘need-to-do’s’ crossed off your list. AKA, take care of the basics so you’re not drowning in the anxiety of un-done things. Also, nothing ruins some quiet-time like feeling guilty that there are several loads of dishes in the sink. It’s a pet peeve of mine when I hear people say, “Just lower your standards,” or “Learn to let go of some things.” Trust me. As a mom of challenging kids- I’ve let go of a TON! My laundry situation cannot handle a lower bar. Dirty undies are just unacceptable. No matter how overwhelming the rest of your life is. That may mean you have to get creative about when or where these chores can happen. For example, when my kids were very little, when I would fold laundry, I would just put my headphones on while I was in the same room and say “Mom’s out of service right now, I’ll be back in 5 minutes.” That way I could still supervise, but I at least appeared unavailable. The idea was for them to be set-up for success with some project or snack so I could fold laundry in peace. I also moved the location of my laundry folding from my room, to the kitchen table- the better to supervise them. Some days it worked better than others. Starting on April 22, 2019 (Monday) Hands On As We Grow is running an independent play challenge that may help you find those few precious minutes. If you’re interested in learning a few great activities (that don’t require a ton of set-up or materials) CLICK HERE to join the free challenge.

Self-Care Idea for Mom #4

Create a plan. If you get a chance to do 5 minutes of self-care, how are you going to accomplish this without a plan?! Self-care doesn’t just happen. You have to make it happen. Hope is not a strategy So, let’s start by asking what used to work for you? Is there a time in your life when you can think of when you were feeling great, or you know that you just kept yourself powered up? Use that! It’s your secret-sauce recipe! If you know that belting out some show tunes or dancing to some early 2000s hip-hop makes you feel incredible, then you already know an amazing secret about yourself. Because if it’s worked in the past, it will work again. Speaking of the past, you can also use your senses to bring you back to a time that was just full of joy, possibility, or just good memories. Find a candle that’s smell reminds you of that time. Or enjoy a glass of lemonade because it reminds you of sunny summer days, even if it’s a cloudy February afternoon. Make sure there are a few pictures of people/places/times that will bring back to happy memories in your house.

Self-Care Idea for Mom #5

It’s not always bubble baths and wine. Think out of the box! There are different areas to cover for self-care. It’s not only about having quiet time, or getting a spa (like) treatment. Make sure to address the physical, spiritual, intellectual, social and creative parts of you! Sometimes, it seems like self-care can only be a solo activity. But instead of focusing on just getting some alone time, think about what truly refuels you. For me, it’s laughing with my husband. I’m an extrovert, so alone-time things just tend to make me sleepy. (Or, that could just be motherhood…hard to tell!) The more important thing here is to know what your specific needs are. You are like no one else. So your self-care should be like no one else’s.

Self-Care Hack: Write Your Owner’s Manual!

So here’s where the rubber meets the road. I want you to write an owner’s manual for yourself. It’s mostly a tool for you, but you could also share it with your spouse and close friends. It’s up to you! The operating manual will put all these ideas for self-care into one place, and help you recognize what to do when you’re experiencing certain emotions. For example, when I get super sad and everything just seems terrible and like it’ll never change, it’s hard to get out of that funk. But usually it’s pretty easy things that will turn my attitude around. So in my owner’s manual, I write things like, “When I’m feeling down, have I slept enough? Have I eaten? Have I turned on music that pumps me up?” Once I do these things, if I’m not feeling completely better, I’m usually well on my way! If you’re serious about changing your approach to self-care, you owe it to yourself to do this. The process AND the product will both be worth your time.

Our Kids Deserve For Us To Be Better At Self-Care

You need to practice better self-care. Don’t become the volcano that explodes and burns everything in its path just because it was the easier thing to do. Trust me. It will take less time to just take care of yourself than it will to clean that mess up. Yes, if you’re raising a kid with challenging behaviors, your life is going to be extra stressful. But that only means you need more self-care. Those challenging behaviors? They’re your explanation of why your volcano runs hot. Not your excuse to be constantly blowing up. You have the tools to practice exceptional self-care.

• Schedule it.

• Turn it into a habit

• Take care of the basics

• Create a plan to address your physical, spiritual, intellectual, social and creative needs. A great way to get started with this is to create an Owner’s Manual for yourself!

• Think about what truly refuels you.

What are your favorite self-care practices? Please share in the comments section!

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