My Problem With Positive Parenting

I have a confession. In high school, I was not a cool kid.

Maybe you can relate?

I did NOT wear the ‘right’ kind of clothes, or have the right ‘look’. I didn’t wear brand names, I didn’t look like I effortlessly rolled out a catalog. (Not that clothes were going to help me! I played trombone and was in drama- not exactly a recipe for a cool kid. In retrospect, I wouldn’t change it. But, I digress.)

There was always this little voice in the back of my head, “If you just had a shirt from that store in the mall that doesn’t even carry your size, you’d look better.” “Why don’t you wake up a half hour early to do your hair? People would like you more!” And so on.

This voice made me feel like if I could look like everyone else, that would be my armor. I would have more friends. It would make me a better person. And maybe I would like myself more.

I know I wasn’t the only one.

The Branding of Parenting Advice Is Doing the Same Thing to Us

Now that we’re all grown up, there is a different type of peer pressure.

We’ve only traded one thing for another. Raising our kids was already a monumental task- but now there’s the peer pressure to look good doing it!

It’s human nature to look around and compare yourself to the people around you. For better or worse.

And a lot of what we see when we look around right now looks like parents who are caving to their kids. Moms are suddenly reluctant to say “no!” and have jumped on the Positive Parenting band-wagon.

So, naturally, because there’s always that little piece of the high schooler lingering in all of us, we start wondering if that’s what we should be doing, too! Nevermind that it’s completely opposite our personality. How quickly we forget that fit is everything.

What Does “Positive Parenting” Mean?

Just so we’re clear on what I’m talking about, Positive Parenting is a set of beliefs and tools about how to parent your kid. Instead of just choosing your own, it’s kind of like a gift set.

The focus is on developing a strong relationship between the parent and child, fostered by communication and mutual respect. The goal is to ultimately train kids to have self-discipline, through teaching them the ‘why’ (and not just “because I said so”).

3 of the main tenets of Positive Parenting are that 1. Rules and consequences are laid out, discussed often, and followed through. 2. Parents focus on helping children internalize discipline, rather than obey orders based on fear of punishment, in order to develop self-discipline. And 3. Parents use active listening to understand children’s thoughts. This allows parents to correct misunderstandings or mistaken links of logic. (This is all essentially quoted from this reference.)

So What Is My Problem With Positive Parenting?

Honestly, everything I just described is a good thing! So you might think I’m crazy to have any problem at all with it.

But accurately utilizing Positive Parenting is challenging. These tenets and goals are really really hard tasks to accomplish, and take a lot of training for the parent to get it right.

You need to question if you’re willing to train properly for this, otherwise you’ll be practicing some sort of off-brand of positive parenting, which is likely to do more harm than good.

And there’s also the question of whether or not these tenets actually align with our values. I’ll be straight with you. There’s a certain level of “it’s my way or the highway” in my house. I need my kids to practice obedience quickly and without a discussion. It’s not for everything, but it’s an example of a value that would bump up against the values that Positive Parenting assumes you have.

You know what happens when you put on jeans that are all wrong for your body type? Everything hangs out in the wrong place, and you end up doing that weird wiggly dance to make them sit right?

When you choose a parenting brand to follow because it pops up on your Pinterest feed, and everyone else is doing it- NOT because it aligns with your personality, goals and values- you’re doing the same thing.

The Dangers of Positive Parenting

It’s not just Positive Parenting. It’s all the different ‘brands’’ and labels for parenting that I have a problem with.

There’s not anything inherently wrong with them, but from my perspective, as a family therapist and a mom, I’m concerned they do more harm than good.

There are a lot of ‘should’s’ and pressures that parents put on themselves to become the ‘ideal’ parent.

And that’s even before we’re surrounded by a lot of well-meaning people who are saying, “Hey, this brand of parenting worked for me- everyone else should do it too!”

I’m concerned when I see articles like “What to do when positive parenting is just too draining” start popping up all over the place.

It breaks my heart to think of all these moms who are trying their best and BELIEVING that they’ve failed!

The Shaming

Although it is unintentional, these brands have contributed to the shaming of parents, and made them feel less-than. This can happen either because you’ve tried X Brand of parenting, and it didn’t work for you. Or you spent so much time trying to make yourself (a square peg) fit in the round hole that it made you feel like you’ve failed as a parent.

Or maybe you haven’t ‘officially’ tried any of these styles. But you’ve quietly asked yourself, “If I’m not doing Attachment Parenting, does that mean I’m not attached to your child?”

If you’re not a positive parent, are you automatically considered to be a negative parent? If you’re not doing all these things, does it mean you’re harsh, or disconnected, or unresponsive?

NO! There is danger in those labels.

THESE ARE YOUR PARENTING TOOLS

Attachment parenting, peaceful parenting, positive parenting, gentle, mindful, connected, etc. parenting. These are all just different sets of tools that you can use. They are not something to build your worth as a parent around. They don’t have to define you.

If you were going to build a deck, you’d need a different set of tools than if you’re going to fix a car. Each kid is a different ‘project’ and is going to require slightly different tools.

You, as the builder, will also have certain preferences for tools; maybe you prefer metal tools, or a plastic grip-y handle, or even a pink handle! Each parent is the same; you have individual preferences which need to be reflected in the tools you choose.

DO THE DIFFERENT BRANDS OF PARENTING EVER HELP?

In short, of course they can. BUT-these different brands of parenting are not a one-size fits all thing.

One of the greatest impacts on success (whether it is for a medication trial, or therapy, or pretty much anything else) is whether or not you believe it will work. Essentially, it’s the placebo effect.

So, if you head into any of these brands thinking they will change your life, it probably will. But if you head into it feeling skeptical or unsure, odds are that it will not work for you.

I’m not saying these styles don’t have worth. They do. And if you combined all of them, there’s no telling how many millions of kids and parents they have helped.

If you are part of the many, many people who find value in these parenting styles, as Amy Poehler would say, “Good for you. Not for me.”

But rest assured, it’s not for everyone. And there’s nothing wrong with you if you tried, and it just didn’t work.

If you are wondering if you could just naturally parent, without having to overthink it, read on.

The Good News

You don’t have to be a follower of any of the particular brand to be a good parent. It’s not the only way. (And, you don’t have to adhere to a particular ‘brand’ in full- you are allowed to borrow the tools that seem most useful for you!)

We get personalized make-up boxes, clothing, and dinners delivered to our doors. Why do we need to settle for a brand of parenting somebody else has created? Spoiler alert- we don’t!

YOU can create your own style of parenting, based on your personality, your tendencies, and your kids. Instead of trying to strictly adhere to the tenants of a certain type of parenting, focus on learning about yourself in depth, and then doing the same for each of your kids.

What are the 4 types of Parenting Styles

There are 4 types of parenting styles, according to research. They are categories your natural parenting tendencies can fall into. Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Uninvolved.

They are easiest to see on a graph, with two continuums, demanding vs non-demanding, and responsive vs non-responsive.

Nearly all of today’s ‘brands’ are tools to help people stay in the Authoritative quadrant. In the graphic below, the vertical axis represents the responsive continuum, and the horizontal axis represents the demanding continuum.

Like I said, these 4 types of parenting have been heavily researched, and the evidence shows that Authoritative parenting produces the best outcomes. And what I really love about this is that research shows this is true even across cultures!

Authoritative parents produce kids with higher self-esteem, better self-control and the ability to regulate emotions, better academic outcomes, greater empathy and general social skills.

One of the things that drives me the most crazy is that all these different brands of parenting position themselves as being the only way to be an Authoritative parent.

But the reality is that there is still a spectrum of what being an Authoritative parent looks like.

Responsive And Demanding

You could be a fairly demanding parent, and have extremely high expectations for your kids. But as long as you’re balancing it with a very healthy dose of responsiveness, it works!

Or you could be an easier going parent, and balance a what-will-be-will-be sort of attitude with healthy expectations.

So then you’re closer the center of the chart. But you’re still an Authoritative parent. The point is- there are a lot of different ways to get this right.

Just like I wish I could yell at my high-school self and say, “You don’t have to look like everyone else! Just do you!” I want to scream from my roof, “Find the parenting practices that work for you, put your soul at ease, and bring joy to your family! Don’t worry what everyone else is doing!”

So What’s the Solution?

The goal is to parent in an authoritative way, with your own personal style. You actually already have your own style; you just need to figure out if it’s the style you want.

If you want to figure out what your natural style is, think about how you parent on your best days and on your worst days. Those are the two extremes of your natural style, and your typical behavior should fall in the middle. You could use the words listed in the graphic describing ‘responsive’ and ‘demanding’ to help

What style do you rely on when your other resources are depleted (worst day)? What style are you aspiring to raise your kids with (best day)?

If you’re struggling to think about this abstractly, try observing yourself for a bit. React naturally for a few days or a week, and watch your behaviors (don’t try to change them yet- just be observant). I’m a huge believer in data gathering- so write this information down! Sometimes we can only see the truth when it’s literally in front of us.

In short, you can find your current parenting style by:

1. Thinking about your best and worst days.

2. Observing your own parenting

3. Keep track of your behaviors

Wrap Up

You don’t have to be like everyone else. You are unique. You are exactly who your kids need you to be. Instead of chasing the next thing (or your Pinterest feed) lean in that.

You know that balancing demandingness and responsiveness is the gold standard of Authoritative Parenting. You can grab the tools you need, as you need them, taking the time to evaluate them as you go.

If you’re not feeling confident that you’re an authoritative parent, we even have a system for discovering what type of parenting style you use. Parenting with a Plan is a good place to start if you think you might want to tweak what you’re currently doing.

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