Over the last couple weeks, I’ve seen a theme developing with the parents I work with. They’re afraid to let their kids be uncomfortable after being disciplined, and are struggling with watching their kids experience difficult emotions. My message to them is simply this:
Your kids are stronger than you think. It’s OK for them to be uncomfortable.
I’ll repeat: it’s okay for them to be uncomfortable.
Comfort is the enemy of change
There’s no growth when you’re comfortable. So, if we want our kids to grow into resilient human beings, we have to stop saving them every time things don’t go their way.
We have to stop sugarcoating it and telling them it’s going to be okay. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But it’s okay to let them sit there in the ‘stew’ for 30 minutes. Maybe even longer.
Because what this does is teaches kids that emotions are not permanent.
As a therapist, I spend a large part of my day reminding people that our emotions are not a crisis. They are not permanent; they will pass. We have about a 20-minute window during which we’ll experience our intense feelings. And after that 20-minute window, the intensity will fade.
What’s At Stake
What if we can teach our kids, through experience, that they are strong enough to handle those emotions? Then we’re going to have an entire generation of kids who are stronger than we are.
We’re going to raise a generation of kids that stand right back up when life punches them in the mouth. They’re going to learn to roll with the (proverbial) punches. And we know there will be punches. They’re going to be so much more emotionally capable than we ever were.
But I don’t want them to suffer…
I’m a parent too. I get it. But being uncomfortable because you were disciplined or because something didn’t go your way is different than suffering. There certainly are times you should step in. If your kid has been fighting through a low mood for days, if you’re seeing signs they might want to harm themselves (or others), or if you suspect bullying- these would all be times that your child is experiencing problems beyond what they can handle and they need your help.
It’s hard to fight the urge to save them from discomfort. I want my kids to be able to be happy every minute of the day. But that’s not realistic or attainable.
And that’s actually toxic positivity. I want to give my kid permission to have feelings other than happiness. And I think this can be especially true if you have girls. So often the only feeling they’re allowed to exude is happiness. But that’s a talk for another day.
Don’t Fix. Listen
I want to clarify a few points here. I do not mean that we should ignore our kids, especially when they’re in a vulnerable, lonely place. We just have to stop trying to fix it for them. The middle ground here is listening and validating.
How many times have you gone to a friend or a spouse and told them about your problem and they responded with some version of “You should’ve done this…”
Was that helpful?
Probably not.
What you really needed was just someone to listen, and say, “Wow, that sounds like an awful day. I’m sorry to hear that.”
That’s validation. And it’s how to be there for them without fixing it.
Give them a chance- Kids are stronger than we think
Nothing fills my heart with pride like when my kids learn they are now big or strong enough to do something they couldn’t before. I want to give our kids a chance to show us what they can do. I’m sure you’ll be blown away at how capable they are when they’re given encouragement and space to figure things out on their own.
So, there is lots of good news here for you. You’re going to build stronger, more resilient and more emotionally capable kids.
And you get to take a few things off your plate at the same time. It’s a win-win to me.