Impulse Control Strategies for Kids

“Impulse Control Strategies” is Part 4 of a series about impulse control for kids and teens. Click on the links for Parts 1, 2, and 3.

Impulse Control Strategies

Kids acting impulsively- whatever that looks like for your family- is often some of the most challenging behavior for us to deal with as parents. Impulsive behaviors are, by nature, spontaneous. So your home can feel unpredictable and chaotic; like you can never get ahead of your kid’s behaviors. Every day there are battles to be on time, verbal outbursts, and even bigger worries like lying, stealing, and wandering/running away. It’s overwhelming when you feel like you can’t impact your child’s behaviors.

It’s Exhausting and Heartbreaking

Every single parent I’ve met who has a kid with poor impulse control and/or ADHD has felt like a failure at some point. You’re not alone. I’ve been there, too. But my message for you is this: you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for.

You are parenting an objectively difficult to raise child. You are trying every single day. There is no such thing as an ‘easy day’ for you; even if your kid’s away at someone else’s house, you’re worrying about how they’re behaving there. Self-care is often an after-thought, or just something that parents with ‘normal’ kids do.

Your emotional stores are depleted, but your kid still needs you to show up for them. The solution is not about giving them another half hour outside to ‘run it off.’ These kids have brains that are wired differently, and no amount of physical activity will change their brain composition. So, how do you start making changes when you feel stuck?

Impulse Control Strategies for Better Behavior

Whenever you start to implement impulse control strategies, it is critical to consider a kid’s developmental level. For example, if we identify the major behavior that needs addressed is temper-tantrums because a kid didn’t get their way, we need to consider the age of the child. If that kid is 2, the realistic answer is that they’re not ready for full-blown interventions, and we need to take a look at safety planning and/or making a plan to respond to the behavior when it does happen. But, if that kid has a developmental age of 6 (even if they’re 8 years old), they’re ready to start talking about the emotions and how they connect with the physical feelings in their body to start and prevent some of this behavior.

There is no quick fix. I wish I could sugar-coat that, but I know you already know that in your heart, so there’s no point in hiding it. Don’t let it stop you, though! Just think of where you could be in 6 months if you start working on this with your kid now!

Possible Pre-Step: Safety Plan

If your kid is exhibiting any behaviors that are dangerous to themselves or others, you absolutely need to safety plan first. Some examples of dangerous behavior could be throwing things, hitting, biting, wandering or even self-harm. Kids with poor impulse control don’t stop to think about the consequences of their actions, so we need to build a safety-net around them.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has found that the predominant mental health diagnosis of children (ages 5-11) who completed suicide was ADHD, and not Depression like in other age groups. This suggests that a child’s impulsivity is related to the suicide, and that safety planning by removing the temptation for impulsive behaviors can be an effective prevention tool. Once you have a plan to keep everyone safe, you can move on to the next impulse control strategies.

1. Choose ONE behavior to zero in on.

It may not be the biggest problem, but choose something that will either be impactful for you or your kid to deal with, OR something you’re pretty sure you can get traction on. Choosing just one behavior helps your kid get focused in on improving it, too.

The thought behind choosing something small that you think you could realistically change is that it will build confidence; both in you, and your kid. Every day, kids with poor impulse control are receiving the message that they’re bad, disobedient, out-of-control, or plain-old not-good-enough. If you help them make a change in their behavior, no matter how small it is, you’ll be giving them the confidence that they are capable of doing anything. That’s a powerful lesson!

2. Be a super sleuth.

Notice everything related to the ONE behavior you’ve chosen. Now you need to notice everything from how much sleep they’re getting, to foods they’ve eaten, to the environment(s) they’re in. Don’t limit yourself to looking at certain times of day, we’ll look for patterns later. Also- don’t forget to notice when they’re doing well! THAT’s really important data, too! Enlist teachers, baby-sitters, grandparents, or whoever else is involved in your kid’s life, to help you out by sharing observations. Try to keep it non-judgmental and objective. For example: “Jackson ran out of the room and screamed about not wanting to do homework.” Not, “Jackson was terrible and behaved like a wild animal.”

3. Document.

Pick a method that everyone involved will use. Make a google spreadsheet, use a spare notebook from back-to-school sales, use a shared app on your phone. Just pick the easiest thing for you!

I know you’re crazy busy and already overwhelmed, so I made a free, printable, fillable worksheet for you to help you keep your thoughts and observations organized. Check it out!

4. Go back and look for patterns and make connections.

Does Jackson scream more after he comes home from school? Maybe school is draining for him, and he needs a different after-school routine? Whatever your kid is doing, it’ll be much easier to tackle if you have a sense of why (or at least when) it’s happening. We’re not excusing it; we’re trying to understand it.

5. Implement Impulse Control Strategies Based on Your Findings

You’re not just going to throw something at the wall and see what sticks. Nope! Not you. You’re way smarter than that! You are going to choose some impulse control strategies based on what your child actually needs. There are 4 groups of skills, beyond continuing emotional, social and cognitive development that kids need to build stronger impulse control. There are stress-reduction skills, mindfulness, problem-solving skills, and tolerating delayed gratification.

Here is a list of ideas and activities for toddlers and young kids. Slightly more advanced ideas and activities for older kids and teens can be found here; these are also broken down by the skills mentioned above. If you need to start at the beginning with teaching your kids the language to talk about their feelings, this article has some ideas.

Implementing Impulse Control Strategies is a Long-Game

This isn’t an over night fix. But you’re on the right path. Just a few closing tips:

It’s best to use these strategies when your kid is calm, and not during the middle of impulsive behavior.
It may be time to re-evaluate your kid’s medication (if they’re on any) and possibly even their diagnosis.
If your child is taking any psych meds, you want to make sure they’re seeing a child psychiatrist or psychologist. The pediatrician is a good stop-gap person, but you need a specialist.

Getting momentum is the hardest part. So take a deep breath, and dive in. There’s really no better way.

Impulse Control Strategies for Kids