What is the hardest thing to do?
Ask for help.
I fell down the stairs last week. For real. I was just walking, like normal, and I totally wiped out. In front of my two little guys. It was everything I could do to not just burst into tears because of the pain. So I kind of pulled myself together, and the very next thing I did was…
Change a diaper. I was in such pain that I was directing my toddler exactly where to lay and to bring the diaper and wipes. But I didn’t ask for help immediately. In fact, it took me 2 hours to ask for help so I could go to the ER for an X-ray.
So why is it so hard to ask for help?
Would you rather be the helper or the helped? Most of us are much more comfortable being the helper. But why is it that way? It’s probably a combination of things. And if we can figure out what’s stopping us, we’re one step closer to addressing it!
Reasons it’s hard to ask for help
Pride
We don’t want to believe we need the help of others. Or maybe we feel like we’re better than that.
It’s admitting to failure
Depending on how it manifests, this can actually be a subset of pride, but I think so many parents are worried about failing that I want to list it separately. If we’re fairly independent people, then the idea that you have to ask for help may signal feelings of failure. Personally, asking for help felt tantamount to admitting that I couldn’t take care of my kids, which meant I had failed at my primary job. If you can’t do it yourself, you’ve failed.
We’re afraid of being judged for needing help
We all have a perception of our status in a group, and you may also be aware of power dynamics. You may be reluctant to ask for help because you’re afraid it will confirm your status as the low-rung-on-the-ladder. Or maybe you’re ‘top dog’ and feel like asking for help would be calling your position into question, and even jeopardize your ability to remain on top.
We don’t know who to ask for help
If you’re lucky enough to have other parent friends, chances are they’re in the same boat. We don’t want to be an imposition or burden, or we’re afraid of straining our friendships by asking too much. Or maybe you are on a proverbial island, and don’t feel like you know anyone well enough to ask.
We don’t actually know WHAT help we need
If you’re drowning, you don’t care if a raft, a circle floatation device, a helicopter or a dolphin saves you. And you certainly haven’t done an analysis on which one will be best for your situation, so you can then place your request. You’re busy splashing around, thinking, “Gee, I wish someone would help me, I’m getting really tired over here.” When you’re in over your head in real life, it’s the same.
We assume the answer would be no
How many times have you ever thought that you just know someone won’t be able to help because they’re too ___ (fill in the blank here). But how many times have you told a person who needs you that you can’t help? If you truly can’t, you usually offer another suggestion. Let’s let those people be the judge of whether they can actually help or not.
Get to the top, with a little help!
Overcoming the challenge
My thoughts on overcoming the challenge of asking for help all revolve around making a plan ahead of time, and reducing what’s overwhelming you. I know. I’m sorry- this does not help you in a crisis.
Step 1
First, find your personal blocks. What’s stopping you from asking for help? Was there anything that struck a chord? Make a plan to slowly address that. Take an honest look at yourself, and take some time to work through it.
Step 2
Simplify your life. Figure out what the things are that you’re most likely to feel like you need help with? Is it laundry? Running an errand? Doing dishes- again? Those are great examples of things we don’t usually feel like we can ask other people to do for us. Personally, I hate strongly dislike the suggestion of “lower the bar.” Trust me, if I’m worrying about laundry, that means someone doesn’t have socks to wear for tomorrow. I can’t lower that bar anymore! But if you can make a plan to simplify your life, do it! Maybe this is the week where everyone has spaghetti and marinara (from a jar) for 4 days straight, and no one dies of malnutrition. That would simplify dinner prep, AND grocery shopping! Maybe this is the month where your kids buy lunch from school so you don’t have to make it in the morning. Maybe this is the time for streamlining that bedtime routine that has somehow grown to an hour long?
Step 3
A lot of getting out of a crisis is just having the strength left to keep moving forward. So even if you don’t have someone who would do your laundry, you hopefully have someone who is a cheerleader in your life. Talk to that person and get a pep-talk, and then crank whatever music gets you psyched up -even if it has to be on your headphones- and go get something done.
Step 4
Switch your mindset to instantly reduce your overwhelm. Parenting is a 24 hour job, and many of us are up after the kids go to bed still cleaning up the house or finishing up work on the computer. But what if we weren’t completing the jobs left over from today? What if we’re simply getting ahead for tomorrow? What if, maybe around the time your kids go to bed, your to-do list magically resets. You no longer have to-dos for today; anything left undone just moves to tomorrow. So, if you’re loading the washer at 8:30pm, it’s not because you’re so far behind. You’re simply crushing it for tomorrow! And if you’re actually done with your to-do list (is that a thing?!) then choose something to do tonight that will set you up for success in the morning.
Now get out there, and do your thing! And don’t forget to ask for help!
If you’re looking for more help, “The Stress-Free Guide to a Happier Family: Improve Your Parenting Skills” is now available! You can also get more help delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the newsletter!